It's April Fool's Day, Emmett's expertise! I'm trying to make it fit his personality, so there will be very many proud boastings. :) But after all, its Emmett guys!

Twilight Down the Toilet - Part One: The Beginning

Emmett's POV:

Yesterday, before the stroke of midnight, I placed notes all over the house, warning everyone of this day. April Fool's Day.

Hello there!

If you're reading this, beware! Tomorrow, pranks will be everywhere! Face the great Emmett, do you dare?

Take care,

Your Worst Nightmare

I know, I know. It is a total work of art. It is pure genius. After all, I, Emmett the Magnificent, composed it. And no, I'm not a magician. I'm a vampire.

BOO!!!

Hahahaha! I have scared the little human!

Mwahahahaha...

....One hour after......

...ha...ha...ha...

Okay, enough of my brilliant evil laughter. Laughing evilly is very hard wo-

"EMMETT!!!" Alice roared.

I grinned. This year, I have gone overboard. Instead of the harmless pranks, I went to big annoying ones. Like what I just did to Alice's shoes. I tore away their soles and glued them to the floor, and arranged the remains of the shoes to spell EMMETT. After all, that is my name. She never saw it coming, since it was a snap decision, a flash of inspiration, a sudden action-

Well, you get the picture.

I darted to Edward's room, where Renesmee was writing something.

"Hey Nessie!" I piped up. She jumped. "Do not scare me like that! Do you have a death wish or something?"

"Or something." I shrugged. "Hey, do you want to do a dare?" I asked her eagerly.

She shut up. "Depends on what it is." She eyed me warily.

"Go to the bathroom, close the door, and turn off all the lights. Look at the mirror. Chant 'Bloody Mary' over and over again while turning around with your eyes closed. Ten times after, stop, look at the mirror, and you will see her," I said.

"Yeah, right!" she snorted. "I know about that. That isn't real."

"Hey we're vampires, and we exist. How do you know ghosts don't?" I pointed out. Actually, they aren't actually real. I researched this a week ago. The 'Bloody Mary' Nessie will see is actually just her own reflection, but since it's dark and she's dizzy, it will seem disfigured. It doesn't help that her imagination will play tricks on her. Plus, I had a few tricks up my sleeve.

She considered it. "Hmm... Okay." She went to the bathroom and closed the door.

I soon heard chanting. "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary... I feel stupid... Bloody Mary..." I quickly made preparations while she chanted. I inserted a disc in Edward's stereo. I went back to the door.

'Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. See? I don't see anythi- AAH! SHE'S HERE!" She started pounding on the door. I grinned as I held the door firmly. "LET ME OUT!!!" I heard her try to switch the lights on, but I already shorted the circuit. She wouldn't be seeing light in there anytime soon. "UNCLE EMMETT!!!"

I pressed play. The stereos came to life. Evil high pitched laughter came out. The diabolical laughter continued while Nessie shrieked. "UNCLE EMMETT!" I started laughing.

I pressed fast forward.

"Your Uncle Emmett is gone... And you, Nessie, are MINE! Mwahahaha!"

She shrieked again and pounded on the door. "She knows my name! She's- she's going to eat me!"

I was laughing so hard, tears were forming a puddle already. I clutched my stomach while I doubled over with laughter. Her screams continued.

"Emmett? What's going on?" I turned around to see Bella, looking at me curiously. Uh-oh. Busted! It was very clear I was up to something, since I was holding the door back while screams and laughter continued. It had a Halloween haunted house effect.

"Mommy? Is that you? SAVE ME!"

"Emmett... What did you do?" Bella growled.

I tried to bluff my way out of it. "Well," I began pleasantly. "You see here-"

"HELP ME!!!"

Bella snarled, and attacked me. Luckily, I was able to slide away in time. Bella, however, was not so lucky. The door swung open instantly, and hit her, smack in the face.

"EMMETT!!! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

Hello, Bella? I am dead.

As I ran away (I know, real brave of the Great Emmett. But I had to save myself do I can do my other pranks!), I heard Nessie sobbing.

"She was about to eat me!" she babbled. "See? Wait- where is she?"

I giggled. VICTORY IS MINE!

Emmett - 1, Nessie and Bella - 0.

I got a bottle of lice powder and tiptoed quietly down the stairs. I saw Jasper reading a book. I snorted quietly. Today is April Fool's Day, one of the most legendary days ever, and he spends it by reading a BOOK? He really needs a life...

I tiptoed quietly down the stairs until I was just able to reach his head. I opened the bottled and sprinkled it in his hair. He didn't even bat an eye. Laughing silently, I crept back upstairs. I left in the bathroom sink with its cover open, so that when Esme sees this, she'll have a heart attack! But I don't want her to die...

I went to my room and got out my brand new cell phone. It's very pretty actually...

I dialled a number.

"Hello?" Jasper said politely. "May I know who this is?"

"Yeah," I said, making my voice really deep. "I would like to speak to Alice and Edward."

"I'm sorry, but they're both busy... May I take a message?" What was he, an answering machine? He also sounded so... formal. He's a weird guy... kinda like me, actually.

"Actually, I need to talk to you also," I said.

'Okay," he replied. "Ugh... my head is so itchy..."

I covered the receiver while I laughed. It worked!

Emmett - 2, Jasper - 0

"This is the zoo," I said after I stopped laughing. "You still haven't attended your meeting with Jay Raffe and Bab Heun."

"Huh?"

"Tell Alice that Ty Gere is mad at her for stealing his stripes. They are not supposed to be used for fashion and they will never be in style. And tell Edward that Ellie Font wants his tusk back. Also tell Rosalie that Anna Conda is waiting to eat her!" I paused. "This is Mr. Bear, signing off!"

"Bu-" I hung up.

Smiling in satisfaction, I prepared for my next prank. Suddenly, my phone rang.

"FYI, Emmett," I heard Jasper's cool voice. "The next prank is on you." Then he hung up.

What? Did he just do that? No! That means my plan failed!

So that means:

Emmett - 2, Jasper - 1.

Hmph.

I looked for Edward. Finally, I found him by his piano, writing another composition. In my head, I tried to keep it quiet. No use.

"What do you want, Emmett?" he asked in his velvet voice. I immediately blocked my thoughts by singing... Itsy Bitsy Spider!

The itsy bitsy spider

Climbed up the water spout

Down came the rain

And washed the spider out

Up came the sun-

"Emmett, if you're planning on scaring me with a spider, don't bother," he interrupted my mental singing.

I walked to him and slapped his back in a friendly way. What he didn't know was that there was a note in my palm, which was now stuck to his back. I giggled.

"Emmett..." he growled, staring at me.

Edward Cullen is staring at me... WOW. What an honor.

He snorted, hearing my thoughts.

"Hey, bro," I said casually.

"Hey to you too." His eyes narrowed in suspicion, knowing I was up to something.

"Later, Eddie," I snickered, walking out.

And dried up all the rain

And the itsy bitsy spider

Came out the spout again...

"Don't call me Eddie!" he yelled.

I sneaked one last look at his back. I looked at the note with big bold red letters, saying:

I'M SEXY. EVEN BELLA SAID SO. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, GO ASK HER. YOU CAN KICK ME TOO, IF YOU WANT. ~EDDIE

I am so dead when he finds out. At least it's worth dying for... I think.

Emmett - 3, Edward - a big fat zero!

Once again, all the victory goes to the GREAT EMMETT!

The story isn't over yet, not by a long shot! I will post part two sometime soon, then that will be the end. :( I have a question for you guys:

A rooster laid an egg. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew. Where did the egg go: North, South, East or West?

That is really easy. :)

-0-

Emmett: Review guys, okay? Don't you want to read the continuation of my pranks?

Jen: Yeah, guys, please review!

Emmett: *glares at her* I'm not yet done talking!

Jen: *rolls eyes* Sorry.

Emmett: Thank you. Now, everyone, in part two, you will learn why this story was given this title. And you get to laugh at Rosalie and Carlisle! Plus, you get to meet the mysterious Sugarloaf! I know, I know. You don't have to say it, I already know it. I'm awesome.

Jen: *mumble* vain *mumble*

Emmett: Press the pretty white button and make me smile!

-Backstage-

Jen: (faces Emmett) Now you're stealing my lines? You're fired!

Emmett: *bursts into tears* NOOO!!! I'M SO SORRY! I promise to behave better and.... blah... blah... blah....

Jen: *tunes him out*

-0-

Hehehe... I had fun typing that. Emmett is... very full of himself, don't you think? Now, does anybody know who Sugarloaf is? Hint: It has something to do with Kellan, the guy who plays Emmett. Now listen to what Emmett said and press the button! :D Wow, the longest author's note ever! I'm shutting up now.

Jen

P.S. - Do you want me to do another conversation like the one above in the next chapter? Just tell me if you do, and I will do it. :D