Sorry this took forever. But I moved, I'm still getting settled &etc. I live in fucking Alaska now. ALASKA.
Chapter 8
"Is there any way to stop it? Reverse it?" I asked the Doc. I didn't want to be like Spooky. Anything, but being like Spooky. He just looked into my eyes. Of course not. Because then that would mean things would go smoothly. And nothing goes smoothly with me around.
"Then I want you to finish it. I don't care how much it hurts, it's better than just sitting around and waiting." I told him. He nodded slowly. I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands. So this is how my life will go. It'll just go, and go, and go. I'll live forever. I never wanted that. I was content knowing I was going to die someday and just cease to live. Maybe spend a millennia or so up in heaven, but now I don't even get the chance. It would have been nice to die. I hear it's like going to sleep. Or like a horribly painful thing and then, nothing. Maybe someday, I'll get that chance.
"So, when?" he said. I lifted up my head to look at him."And you need to understand that after you do this, there is no going back. No final chance to be human. After this is done you cannot be around humans anymore. It'll be too dangerous, for them. And we can't have them getting suspicious about why you suddenly act and look very differently." He explained.
I rested my chin on my chest and closed my eyes. I was trying to not be angry with Paul. He had left. Right when I need him the most, when I needed someone to hug me and lie and say everything will be okay, he wasn't there. Stupid tears. Go the fuck away tears; you're not helping the situation right now. But maybe I'm being selfish. I'm expecting too much of him. Aren't I? I don't know. Oh, god. It physically hurts to be away from him now. Isn't that just god damn peachy? I've turned into one of those saps. But he must be hurting to, right? Didn't he say that when I'm hurting, it hurts him? So confused.
It's now or never. I just kept telling myself. Now or never. Better to do today than sit around waiting. Waiting is the worst. Not knowing if and when something is going to happen is torture. Doc had a syringe in his hand and did that thing you always see doctors do on tv. The whole flick the syringe while looking at it up close. He had about five of them lined up. I took a deep breath.
"Ready?" he asked. He held my arm lightly. I paused for a moment, angling my head to try and hear Paul coming. I made a face when all was silent then I nodded. Now or never. He held my arm lightly in his near freezing grip. The needle was coming closer and closer to the skin on my wrist and I turned my head to look away. That's one of the reason I never shot heroin, the needles, they freak me out. I felt a sharp poke then I started feeling numb, I'd missed this feeling. The feeling that only drugs can give you. And after this I'd probably never feel it again. Soon after I felt four more pokes and a burning sensation followed quickly after them. They traveled and finally met together in my chest where it then increased, sending the pain in waves to every point of my body.
Fuck me this kills.
000
I felt something warm. Not in the 'holy fucking shit I'm on fire kind of warm' that the rest of my body was feeling, but a more familiar warmth. It held me, an arm around my shoulders and the other on my legs. If I had to guess I would say it was cradling me.
A few words traveled into my brain, like a whisper, it was there but not. I'm so sorry. It made me angry. What gave him the right to hold me, touch me, let along be anywhere near me right now.
Like my friend Tortuga always used to say 'No matter how much you want it, no matter how much you try, the wrongs can never be righted. The damage is done'. I put all of my energy into what I did next.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" I could tell if I had actually even said it, I might have yelled it, maybe even whispered it, or maybe nothing at all came out.
000
I remember one time, when it was all of us kids hanging out in the parque, Tortuga kind of disappeared for a while inside her own head. When she came to again we all asked where the hell is it that she goes when she leaves us in mind, but not body. She kinda just smiled sadly and pointed her index and middle finger to her temple. Up here, I just sit back and roll with it. I tried it once, just escaping into my own mind, it worked. Whenever Spooky would get in one of his moods I would do what Tortuga did. Just sit back and roll with it.
000
"I don't know why you think you're the boss of everybody just because you're older!" Lady Joker yelled. But we were just kids, with ages ranging from 8 to 12. Back when Lady Joker was yet to be Lady Joker, When she was just Concepcion, I was yet to be School Girl, Giggles was Claudia, Tortuga was just Alicia, and Loki…Loki was always Loki, but when we were kids she was Loki our friend, not Loki our home girl.
"Callate, you're just jealous because Israel said she was prettier than you!" I yelled at her. Loki just sat back and watched everything closely, like life was just a big science experiment. Alicia wasn't even all there right now. And Claudia didn't even look like Concepcion was insulting her.
Concepcion groaned loudly. She turned and ran off yelling back at us how what I said wasn't true. Claudia stood up.
"Wanna go get some food from McDonalds?" she asked us all. We shrugged in agreement; we had nothing better to do. We started walking on our way. All but Alicia who was still off in her own little world.
"Alicia, you coming?" Claudia called. Alicia shook her head, and dropped the clouds in her eyes. She smiled, nodded and jogged to catch up with us.
000
I was so excited. Today was the day of my gang initiation. Right after school I would go to the old jewelry store that burnt down where I would get my name. I had missed Claudia these past couple months. Her and Loki we already in the Gang. And they were just waiting for me, Alicia, and Concepcion. I was 13. My mom was dead, my dad to busy with his operation. I had no one telling me that this was a bad idea, it was more like…the family business.
When the time came Claudia, pulled me over and gave me a little piece of advice.
"When it happens, you do like Alicia. Go into a private spot in your mind where nothing hurts. Throw punches. Show them how much cajones you got. Wait until it's over, and when it is you hold your head up high, and receive your name. Entiendes?" she whispered. I nodded.
The whole gang surrounded me. Except for the higher ups, who stood on a ledge looking down at us. I smiled, and closed my eyes. When I opened them I raised my fists. This is it. They swallowed me up, and I just went with it.
000
The funeral was big. Her family was there. And so was the Gang. Along with members of a rival Gangs. It was an unwritten code. Funerals were for grieving, they were off limits in a sense, for all gang related activity. They must have known her to. Everyone wore similar sad faces. Tears slipped silently for some, sobs racked the body of others. We were all here for the same reason. To honor the memory of Concepcion Bernice Colon Delgado, Lady Joker. Dead by her own hand.
This was my third funeral so far this month. More than other fifteen year olds have gone to their whole lives. And this wouldn't be the last, no where near the last. This one was a bit different than those though, this one felt of sadness. Actual sadness. Not that fake shit for a regular homeboy.
All the other home boys and home girls were nearer to the back. A gang members family, if they had a family, would always sit in the front, would always be the first to say good bye. The rest of us formed a line behind them.
Giggles was the first of us, with Sleepy trailing not too far behind. They were engaged, but whatever, that's her trip. They were gunna get married right when she turned legal. Which was only a month away.
Loki went after her, laid a rose on her coffin, and walked to join Giggles. I wonder why they didn't let us see her. She was gone a whole three days before her body was discovered, something probably happened to her that the family didn't want to be reminded of.
I went next. I looked at the coffin, it was a good one. One of the finest I've seen. I laid down a rose, a red one. She always was the romantic. I said a quick prayer, then went off to join the others.
Concepcion's mother came up to me. I stopped and smiled sadly at her, a tear slipping down my check. She blew her nose into a handkerchief and stared at me. I felt kind of awkward. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.
"You!" she screeched. My eyes widened. Me? "This is all your fault! This never would have happened if she never would have started hanging around with you filth! Now look what happened to my baby!" my eyes widened at this sudden outburst. I started to stutter, trying to say something, anything to tell her that wasn't true. It wasn't! It just wasn't true!
Her husband put an arm around her, and held her sobbing into his chest.
"Filth! You did this! YOU did this!" she continued to scream as he carried her off. I was left frozen in place staring after her. I was almost hyperventilating. I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I looked and saw Giggles.
"I didn't do this! You believe me, right?" I started to cry harder than the odd tear.
"I know sweetheart. Yo se." she said. She hugged me, followed soon after by Loki, Tortuga, and even Sleepy. I looked out, over her shoulder and saw something. A man, standing tall and staring in this direction. I didn't see him at the funeral. Did I? That was the Kings new leader, Spooky or something. He's been around since a little while after I first got my name.
We stayed close our little group, and walked the now all too familiar path down and out of the cemetery. I looked back from the gates, to see if that creeper was still staring our way from up on the hill. He was. What a fucking weirdo.
So many people are dying. Not that the fucking cops care. Even if it was a suicide it hurt. And knowing she did it to herself just hurts more. Everyone feels it, the guilt. They think if they would have talk to her. if they would have helped her. Saved her. Or even gotten her out of here. Would she still be alive? Every funeral is like that. This one was no different.
Everyone is feeling the guilt. They think: why wasn't it me? I told him not to hang around with those kids. It should have been me.
We walked away from the funeral, the sadness still hanging heavy. Out of all of us…who was next?
000
Today was a very busy day for those of us in ELA.
I got shot today.
Giggles is pregnant.
Sleepy is in the war.
Lady Joker is dead.
Concepcion is too.
Spooky keeps popping up.
Loki was arrested for stealing books. Goddamned books!
Her older brother Rascal is dying right next to me.
Her younger brother, Daniel, doesn't have a gang name.
He's taking care of their father.
Their dad is in a wheel chair, he got shot, he's one of the older homeboys.
Tortuga is off trying to steal her dinner.
Rascal stopped breathing.
Mosca got kicked out of her parents place.
Guera killed a boy in a drive-by, he was eight.
Her intended target was the guy her blasted her brother.
The target was Spooky.
Her brother was Bandino.
Loki was bailed out.
Tortuga is going to bed hungry.
Rascal's not answering me when I yell for him.
Mosca slept on a park bench
I actually like Rascal. A lot.
I thought we'd be like Giggles and Sleepy one day.
It's just a normal day in East LA.
I'm bleeding on the alley floor.
It burns.
I'm scared.
000
I'm an angry indivudial. Whether it's because of genetics, my enviroment, or if that's just the way I was made, I don't know. I'm full of hate, anger, bitterness. And the few times I let my gaurd down and actually get foolish enough to think I'll get my happy ending something comes in a messes it up. But its not like I deserve any better. With all of done. I deserve whatever shit I get, and when I get one little sparkling moment of peace and happiness I know someone upstairs screwed up. I don't deserve the happiness, maybe the fact that I've come to terms with that is why I'm so angry.
But, hey. Maybe I just need to stop complaining so much and deal with it, happiness and all.
000
It's cold and raining. In July. I miss you Southern California. And I realized something. Alaska and Southern California are a lot alike. There are a lot of drugs, crazy people, and hippies in both places. It's just hella fucking colder here.