Brain Pain

It was getting late by the time the crew boarded the Normandy from Therum. After the briefing the squad and day crew headed for their sleep pods. I cast a wistful glance at their backs as they left the comm. room and prepared to give my report to the council. I felt like I was a kid again, back with a new set of foster parents. In the scheme of things they were trying to do good, but their lack of trust in me meant they were ultimately failing. Although, once I became a teenager the lack of trust was warranted, I mused. And here I was worried about impressing them, and afraid of being kicked out if I messed up.

I walked wearily towards my cabin, thinking of interesting Turian anatomy in which I could place my boot. To the right of my cabin door Kaidan was at his station. He was crouched down on the balls of his feet and hunched over. I felt a pang of empathy for him – the explosion as we left the dig site must have triggered a migraine. Making no attempt to quieten my footsteps I walked over to him but he still didn't show any signs of noticing me approach. His head was in his hands and he appeared to be applying an unhealthy amount of force to his temples. I reached out to him and quickly pulled my hand back. I wasn't good at comforting people and I didn't want to make him feel worse.

Since taking over command of the Normandy and becoming a Spectre I have changed my leadership style, for the better, I believe. Previously I relied on my reputation and confidence in my military abilities and soldiers have followed me. My new crew is lucky enough to have four aliens in it. They have never heard of me and have no knowledge of alliance military standards – I wouldn't expect them to follow me simply because we have the same goal. They need to respect me so I am beginning to get to know my crew – alien and human and letting them get to know me. I find it refreshing to feel surrounded by friends, rather than subordinates. More to the point I find it refreshing to have friends.

Ok Shepard, what would a friend do? I reached out, tentatively, but with purpose this time and rested my hand on the base of his neck. Kaidan jumped at my touch but continued applying pressure.

"Just...a...minute, Ma'am" He ground out through clenched teeth.

"Eyes in the back of your head Lieutenant?" I squatted down next to him and started to rub the base of his neck. The pattern I was tracing was familiar but something I hadn't used in a long time. After a minute or so I could see he was using less pressure on his temples. With my free hand I gently pulled his left then right hand away. They fell to his lap and he used them to grip his knees. Continuing with my right hand on the back of his neck I bought my left hand up to his forehead and began a different pattern.

"Where did you learn this Commander? I was sure I would end up in the Med Bay with this one"

I shrugged my shoulders, but kept up the massage. "Gang life and red sand often go hand in hand. It was the only way I could get some of the guys to shut up when they were coming down".

"Looking out for people even back then"

"Actually, I just didn't want them drawing attention to us" I admitted.

Kaidan reached up and grabbed the wrist of my hand that was on his forehead. He looked me directly in the eye.

"Thank you" He said after a pause.

He leant forward, breaking contact and sat on the floor, facing me. I followed his lead and manoeuvred myself so I was sitting on my bottom but unlike him, I crossed my legs.

Moving his head around to stretch his neck Kaidan gave a small sigh of relief.

"That's fantastic. You should sell that technique Shepard".

I noted the informal use of my name – a first for him, but didn't mention it. A lot of the crew called me Shepard now. The only reason I hadn't insisted Kaidan call me that too is because I was struggling to keep it professional as it was. Yeh, right, I can imagine him naked multiple times a day but as long as he doesn't call me 'Shepard'. Who was I kidding? Not myself, clearly.

"Would you do that for the rest of the crew?" he asked softly.

And not Kaidan either, apparently. Getting close to someone is no longer an issue. That door had been firmly flung open and I intended to keep it that way. The issue was my feelings were a distraction. But I have tried to ignore them and that doesn't work. Perhaps I should put it out in the open. Once it's out and all is said and done it can be promptly shelved away for later, like pickled food. When all this has calmed down and I have time. Okay, when the mission is over and we get some leave. Screw that, the minute this mission is over I WILL see this man naked.

To his credit he hadn't begun checking my vital signs and was still waiting patiently for my answer. I took a deep breath. Here goes...

"No... No I don't" I said coyly.

Kaidans eyes widened slightly and he performed an exaggerated swallow. "What about the regs?"

I gave myself a mental pat on the back for pulling off 'coy'. "Regs or no regs this mission requires full attention but right now, for this conversation, I am putting it out there so I can do just that".

"This is a mutual thing then?"

"Oh yes"

He leaned forward and I picked up a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. My heart started beating at an embarrassing volume and frequency.

"In that case, for the purpose of this conversation..." he murmured, now on his knees, his face inches from mine "...and in an attempt to free up some of my attention..." I bit my lip as he moved past it and barely touched his lips to my ear "let me tell you what I intend to do to you on shore leave..."