A/n: the newest addition to "Short Stories with the Akatsuki"! Really, it literally just came out like, a month or something ago. XD I had this idea when I was in Arizona with my cousin and aunt, my "twin" and i were texting each other and some how the idea of a "mangekyo sharingan repellent" came to mind. XD also, she brought up the fact that Sasori looks underage, and thought that he would be unable to get anywhere. Then came the idea of a bar. and somehow it worke its way up from there... XD enjoy~ ^_^
The Akatsuki Vs. The Bar
"Sorry kiddos, but you are all too young to enter here." said the guard monotonously, as the Akatsuki members tried to get in to the bar. It was a nice Friday night out, summer and it wasn't too hot and not too cold. Perfect weather for a little drinking, some gambling, and of course a visit to a strip mall or... Better yet. A strip club. Before reaching their destination, they wandered around aimlessly for several minutes, finally coming to a large building with a large and sparkly sign. Tobi had been a pain in the ass to Pein (no pun intended), saying that the place seemed trustworthy because of all the lights that sparkeled nicely in the night.
"Excuse me? But we're all over the age eighteen, other than Deidara who is eighteen. But he should still be qualified to get in!" Pein argued.
"No can do. The required age to get in is 20." the guard replied.
"Well, okay then. Later Deidara." Pain began walking when he smashed his face into the guard's chest.
"Dude? What is your problem?" Pein cried as he rubbed his face. The man's chest was like a boulder, and smashing your face into something that hard with several piercings in your face is not a good experience.
"My problem is that you all look underage." was the gruff reply.
"What? But I-"
"Security!"
Several ninja all clad in black appeared out of nowhere and grabbed each group member, as they began to rush or, more like skip away from the scene.
"Wait." the guard held up a hand and the ninjas stopped. He pointed at Kisame and Zetsu. "Take those two in. The tuna is our main course tonight, and the plant was ordered as decor a while ago."
Kisame's eyes grew wide as he yelled, "What? Wait, sirs, I'm a shark I'm not tuna!"
The men began to drag the two around the corner, most likely taking them through the back door, and into the kitchen. The rest of the group was then punted painfully twenty feet away from the club.
"Damn... We're gonna have to think up a plan as to how to save Kisame and Zetsu. Anyone got any bright ideas?" Pein asked annoyed.
"I think I do, wait here," piped up Sasori. He walked back towards the guard at the entrance.
"Sorry kid, you're too young to get in," The guard said, shoving Sasori back at first sight.
"Kid? Dude, I'm 35-years-old."
"Oh really?" The guard stretched out the word 'really' long and sarcastically. Doubt noticeably etched in his tone of voice. "You still look sixteen. Eighteen at the oldest, and you are too young to get in."
"But-"
"Okay old man. Show me some identification."
"Oh.. Um... Well... Uh... Heh... Just give me a sec to um... Look... For.. That..." Sasori began to search through his robes nervously when suddenly Itachi jumped from behind him and shouted, "Mangekyou Sharingan!"
The guard gasped as he shouted, "Secret ancient long forgotten anti-Mangekyou Sharingan repellent jutsu!" The man quickly pulled out a hand mirror and held it in front of Itachi.
"Ack! My eyes! My eyes! It burns! It burns!"
10 minutes later~~~~
"Okay... That ended... Quite sadly frankly..." Pein commented shaking his head and rubbing his temples.
"Sorry..." Itachi and Sasori muttered in unison. Tobi began taping band aids onto Itachi's eyes, and Itachi waved him away.
"So what now?"
"Perhaps we could try and buy him off?" Konan asked.
"NO! I'd rather Zetsu and Kisame SUFFER than PAY him!" Kakuzu piped up.
"Aww, now that wasn't very nice! Say you're sorry!" Pein ordered. Kakuzu was silent, and Pein then matched his silence knowing full well Kakuzu wouldn't apologize.
"What if we all turned into ducks, and then security take us to the kitchen and we save Kisame-san? Then we go save Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked innocently.
The group was silent.
"hm... That might work... MIGHT... Why don't we try it?" Pein asked thoughtfully.
"That's stupid 'un! Why can't I just blow the guy up, hm?" Deidara asked.
"Or we could torture himmm PAIN!" Hidan giggled mischievously.
"We could just steal his money and then kill him..." Kakuzu said aloud.
"... Let's just stick to Tobi- chan's idea..." Pein said, defeated.
"Fine... Henge no Jutsu!" the group yelled in unison.
"I feel Stupid..." Sasori said as the smoke disappeared. He began to preen his pink feathers.
"Idiotic." Itachi muttered, ruffling his feathers.
"Dumber than Tobi, yeah. If that's even possible I mean... Un."
"Hilarious!" Hidan cackled.
"Well, it's too late now, so let's go and save the team!" Pein asked hopefully.
The group waddled to the entrance, and began to quack as loud as they could. This caught the guard's attention as he called, "Security! We've got 8 ducks and a red thing that looks like a duck! "
Each group member thought, "Success!" as they were all carried away and into the kitchen. They were thrown into a large wooden crate together and began to wonder where their friend Kisame was when they looked to the center of the large white kitchen. They looked around until they saw their blue friend stripped of his cloak and rotating over a fire like a shishkabob.
"We must save Kisame as soon as possible!" Pein quacked to his feathered comrads.
"Ehrm... Well... I WOULD, if I didn't have to see his battery flashing around every so often." Konan said, looking away a dark red tinting her feathered cheeks. Hidan began cackling and the rest of the group snickered.
"Ehrm.. Well, yeah but... We must save him!" Pein said sternly, stamping a webbed foot.
"Yes sir!" Everyone called. "We'll try our best!" Deidara and Hidan began to gnaw at the wooden crate when Itachi just muttered, "you fools." he shouldered the two out of the way, opened his beak and spat out fire. Everyone began to "ooh" and 'aah" until they noticed that the flame was the size of a penny.
"Well that was lame un." Deidara snickered. Itachi hissed at him. "whoa whoa, 'un! I thought we were ducks! Not geese, yeah!" Pein sighed as he tried to face palm but failed when his wing couldn't reach his head. So instead he then nudged Tobi towards the bar, and kicked him in the rear. Tobi yelped, but his pitch was so high it cracked the wood, and the members were able to pry it open.
The group then began to sneak around behind the giant counter, and jumped off, landing on the polished marble floor when a strange half-squeak half-quack erupted from Hidan's beak.
"What's wrong?" Pein asked panicked, as Itachi and Sasori quickly clamped Hidan's beak shut, using their wings. They let go and Hidan hissed, "This fat ass is standing on my tail!"
Pein glanced behind him and small duck eyes widened whe they say a giant dog, a Great Pyreene to be precise, sitting on top of Hidan. It's body was white, however his ears were a light brown and so were his lips.
"Oh my-" Konan whispered hoarsely. "That's..."
"One big dog." Itachi finished. "It's practically the size of a dinosaur! I bet someone could ride that thing easily!"
Pein whispered, "Tobi! You and Deidara, start running for your lives!"
"Why?" Tobi asked innocently. "Are we playing tag?"
Deidara rolled his eyes and shouted, "You'll find out soon, yeah!" he kicked Tobi and started waddling as fast as he could. As soon as he saw movement the dog leaped of his feet and began chasing them.
"Waah! Tobi don't like this game any more!" Tobi cried.
"Thanks," Hidan muttered. "I thought I was a goner."
"You're wel-" Pein stopped in mid sentence as he caught a whiff of a strange smell. He leaned in closer to Hidan and gagged as he jumped back.
"What is it?" Hidan cried.
"Um... You... Smell, a lot." Pein replied, pressing his wings into his beak.
"Eh?" Hidan sniffed himself. "Ah shit! That damned dog!"
"Go wash off the smell somehow." Pein cringed.
"Yes sir!" Hidan mumbled. He waddled off.
"Kakuzu, you go with and make sure he stays safe."
Kakuzu sighed as he whined, "Do I have to?"
"Yes you do."
"Fine, but I expect a bonus this month in my paycheck!" he followed his homicidal partner.
Pein turned back to his remaining three partners, "Alright, men, let's-"
"Ahem." Konan cleared her throat.
Pein sighed, "and woman, let's go!"
They began to waddle off together and Pein muttered, "Stupid woman."
Together, they finally reached their blue friend and looked up at him. Konan turned her head again and Sasori and Itachi couldn't help but snicker.
"Stop laughing!" Pein yelled at them.
"Yes... Sir..." the two said in between bursts of laughter.
Pein shook his head in disapproval as he looked to the side and studied the stands holding his friend up. "Hey you!" he pointed to Sasori, "Come here and push me up."
Sasori waddled to him and grabbed Pein's webbed foot, then tried to push him up. "Oi, Itachi!" he grunted. Itachi joined them and pushed Pein's other foot up. Konan then began to heave Pein up from behind, using her back and pushing herself up. Pein then began to grabbed pole and little by little he inched his way up the metal pole. While he was climbing Sasori had wandered off a few feet away to check Pein's progress when a voice said gruffly, "Huh? A red duck? Must've gotten out somehow, ah well, I need a duck to cook right now anyways." Sasori squawked as a hand grabbed him by the feet and lifted him upside down.
"Guys! Help!" he squawked.
"I'm coming Sasori!" Itachi called back, but he tripped five feet away from his spot. Sasori was soon carried away and out of sight. "Uh-oh." Itachi muttered. "He's going to kill me when we get him back. Uh... I'll be right back Konan-Chan." Itachi got up and began to follow the cook that had dragged Sasori out.
"Hey. Konan! A little help here please." Pein whispered when he had reached the top. He looked down and saw that everyone else was gone. "Eh? where'd everyone go?" he squawked to himself. "Ah, damn them all!" he crawled to the ropes that bound Kisame's hands and began gnawing them off. Finally, Kisame dropped into the pot. He jumped out quickly, blue skin turning a light red. He grabbed his cloak, grabbed Pein the duck and then ran out of the kitchen door. He was finally free.
"Thanks leader-sama!" he cried. He tucked Pein under his arm and Pein heaved a huge sigh.
"Don't mention it." he muttered.
Back with Deidara and Tobi
"Waah! Tobi don't like this game anymore!" Tobi cried as he ran with his partner.
"Shut up and run, 'un!" Deidara yelled back. They ran past the swinging doors and entered the bar. They turned a corner, and finally ducked (also, no pun intended) under a table. They huffed and squawked quietly under the table cloth. They looked through it and saw the huge shadow of a dog, approaching closer and closer to their hiding spot.
"Uh-oh, we're done for 'un." Deidara the duck muttered. They could hear the snuffling noises as the dog tried to find their scents again. The dog stopped directly before the table where the pair were hiding. It grinned it's canine grin, nudged it's nose under the cloth, and began to lift it up.
Suddenly a male voice called, "Akamaru! Akamaru! Where are ya boy?" The dog flipped its head back, ears flicking as he heard his master call his name. He whimpered when a pair of feet joined him and said happily, "There you are boy. I've been looking all over for ya. What have you been doing here at Asuma-Sensei's bar?"
The dog whimpered again and Kiba laughed. "Well, oh well. Let's just go home boy." He patted the dog's head and lead him away. Deidara heaved a huge sigh and glanced at the other duck. "We're never coming back to this bar again, yeah." he said darkly.
Tobi giggled.
"Eh?" Deidara grabbed Tobi as he began to strangle him. "Giggle? WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING 'UN?"
With Itachi and Sasori
"Let me go!" Sasori quaked as the fat cook placed him on a cooking board. Earlier he had bound the duck with rope, and then sharpened his cutting knife. The cook began to hum to himself cheerfully. He obviously didn't understand duck. Sasori sighed painfully. Well, I guess this is good bye world. It was nice knowing you in my 35 years of existence.
"Sasori!" Itachi yelled.
"Itachi?"
Itachi pecked at the cook's ankles, forcing the cook to jump back in surprise and drop his knife. Itachi was just barely able to dodge the dropped knife, it's edge gently shaving off his tail feathers. Itachi payed no heed to it, flapped his wings furiously and flew up upon the counter. The cook regained his sanity and saw Itachi. "Oh!" he said cheerfully. "Another one!" he grabbed his knife and swung down onto the board. Itachi jumped to the side and the knife just barely missed Sasori.
"Watch where you swing that!" Sasori squawked, his life force waving above him.
as soon as Itachi jumped to the side he jumped upon the cooks arm, ran up it as quick as he could, flipped, and kicked the man straight in the face. The claws on his webbed feet lightly grazing the man's skin. "Aah!" the cook yelled in pain. He backed off and ran out of the kitchen, and straight into the men's room. Sasori cheered as Itachi floated back down and took a bow. Itachi nibbled the robe and set Sasori free. Then the two flew out of the kitchen window.
Back at Akatsuki HQ
"finally. We're done." Pein said warily. The group headed towards the main area where the group spent time together, when they walked in they spotted Konan sitting comfortably with a magazine in her hands and tea cooling beside her.
"Eh? Konan, when did you get here?"
"Oh, awhile ago. I got bored of running around as a duck, so I came back home."
"Wait, so you were here to whole rest of the time?"
"Yep."
Pein popped a vein as he said, "No. Friggin'. Way."
"Yes way."
"Then where the heck is hidan and Kakuzu?"
"I dunno." Konan replied, sipping her tea delicately.
He looked for guidance to the other members. Tobi danced around singing, "I dunno, I dunno", Deidara shook his head and said, "I don't know 'un, yeah." Itachi looked up pensively and Sasori shrugged carelessly. Kisame was up in his room bawling his eyes out for his embarrassment, so Pein didn't dare ask him. He looked at the flower pot in the corner of the room and said aloud, "Um... Has anyone seen Zetsu-san?"
Back at the Bar
""Ah, this is one swell hot tub." Hidan sighed contentedly, raising his wings and placing them behind his head comfortably. Kakuzu swam beside him and said,
"True, but... What's a jacuzzi doing in a kitchen?" he was even more confused when he saw a carrot and a few pieces of beef float around them.
They turned when they saw a cook wander in, red marks lining his face. He looked tired, but his face brightened considerably when he saw the ducks. "Ah! Good, some ducks!" suddenly realization dawned upon Kakuzu and Hidan.
"SHIIIIIIIIT!" Hidan screeched, as he and Kakuzu tried to make a run for it.
"Ah, ah, ah." said the cook, he grabbed them by their feet. "I've had enough runaway ducks for the night, you two aren't going anywhere.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
One week later
"So um... Guys?" Pein asked the group. It was another Friday night and Kakuzu, Hidan, and Kisame were still recovering from their traumatic experiences. "I was wondering whether... for Friday nights... Well, I know this sound weird but... Maybe we could just sick with board games and sake?"
"Aye." replied the group warily.
And from then on, no one in the Akatsuki ever wanted to go to the bar again. But... Wait... what happened to Zetsu?
Somewhere out there
Although Zetsu was a little pissed that his group had forgotten him, he did enjoy the bright lights, loud music, and beautiful plants that were added to the flower section in the bar. "So uh... How long have you two known each other?" he asked two other pots of female flowers. They giggled and Zetsu blushed.
Yes, life was good for our potted friend.