Chapter 12 "Dear Sara" Falling Down by Duran Duran

Once was a man who consumed his place and time. He thought nothing could touch him. But here and now it's a different storyline. Like the straw he is clutching. Why has the sky turned grey? Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder. And why has my life gone astray? Scarred by disgrace, I know that its over.

Because I'm falling down. With people standing round. But before I hit the ground. Is there time? Could I find someone out there to help me?

Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head. Caught inside its own motion. How I wish it was somebody else instead. Howling at all this corrosion. Why did the luck run dry?
Laugh in my face, so pleased to desert me. Why do the cruel barbs fly? Now when disgrace can no longer hurt me. Could I find someone out there to help me? I don't know.... Why...

Grissom sat in his car. He didn't know how long he'd been there but he didn't care. After the incident in the parking lot everyone had just stood there; unsure of what to do next.

Sitting there in the deafening silence, he felt ashamed. Not only had he lost the one thing he held so closely to his heart, but he had changed her life. When he'd gone into that house, when he'd closed the door, he wasn't thinking of the consequences. He wasn't thinking about how it would affect his life after the fact. The thought never even crossed his mind on how it would impact Sara's life.

Now, looking back, he couldn't even believe that he was the one that had done everything. That he was the one that had slept with another woman and had cheated on Sara, the only one he'd ever truly loved. While remembering everything that happened it was like he was watching a movie. Watching someone else's actions, someone else's unforgivable choice.

Warrick was right. What was going to happen with their jobs? Surely after tonight they couldn't work together. But he couldn't ask Sara to leave. It was his mistake. His screw up. He knew that. And he surely wasn't going to make her take the fall for it.

It one single night he'd lost so much. The love of his life. His friends. His job. All because of one spur of the moment, monumental mistake.

The sun was now shining high above the mountains. The evidence of the storm only hours ago was gone. It would be nice if life was like that. A storm would swoop in suddenly but then in a few hours the sun would be shining and everything would be fine. If only it were that easy.

"You ready to head back?" Greg asked.

His voice sounded odd and out of place as he broke the silence they'd been sitting in for quite some time now. After Greg's so called speech, Sara's mood had brightened a bit but she still looked tired and distressed.

"Yeah, sure. I'm sure that Catherine and guys are wondering where we are." Sara said, looking out the window as Greg started the car.

"We don't have to go if you don't want too." He said.

"No...We should get back. I need to figure out where I'll be staying and what's going on with..." Sara trailed off.

"I know." Greg said quickly.

He was treading in uncharted waters here and he didn't want to end up drowning, and he surely didn't want to bring Sara with him. Trying to be as careful as possible without seeming too nice. Knowing Sara and who she was as a person, if she found out he was going easy on her, he'd be in for it. One thing Sara hated with a passion, was pity. At least when the person being pitied, was her.

"I uh, I don't mean to put you on the spot but what are you going to do?"

"Find a taser gun and then go get Grissom." Sara said with a straight face.

Greg's mouth hung open and he had to swerve on the road to keep from running into a tree.

Sara laughed. "Greg, you are tooeasy."

The four close friends sat around the table in a stunned silence. Had they suddenly been thrust into some sick reality show, where they were the only ones not in on the joke? Were Grissom and Sara off together somewhere laughing at how they'd played their friends just right? Deep down, they all wished that were true. But it wasn't.

"Grissom have an evil twin we didn't know about or something?" Brass said, trying to lighten the mood but insufficiently.

"It'd be nice, wouldn't it?" Nick said.

Warrick sighed, shaking his head. "Hmm, yeah."

The silence fell heavily around them again. What were they supposed to do? It's not like the lab had some secret time machine hidden in the basement, where they could just go flip a switch and stop Grissom from ruining both his and Sara's lives. But alas, there was no time machine and there was not possible way to fix this. What's been done, had been done. There was no taking it back. The only thing they could do was deal with the aftermath.

"What are you thinkin, Cath?" Nick asked, wondering why she'd be so quiet.

She ran her fingers through her hair. "Wondering what she's going to do."

"Yeah." Nick said softly, staring at the table.

That was something that was on all of their minds. Warrick's question of what would happen with Sara and Grissom's job's had gotten them all thinking. Trying to come up with ways to make it work; but each scenario ended the same way. Grissom and Sara couldn't possibly still work together without having to deal with each other in some capacity. But after this disaster, they were sure neither would be willing to be in the same room together, let alone work ten hour cases side by side.

"Any one talked to Ecklie about this?" Warrick asked, not wanting to even think about bring Ecklie into the mix but knowing that it had to be done at some point or another.

"Yeah...Yeah, I told him what was going on." Brass said.

"What did he say?" Nick asked.

"That he'd have to hear it from Gil before he did anything."

"What's he gonna do about it?" Warrick said.

Catherine cut in. "Let's not worry about him right now. We have a bigger problem at hand. Where Sara will be staying and all that. I can go to Grissom and Sara's place and pick up a few things for her so she doesn't have to deal with the possibility of seeing him there. Once Greg and Sara get back we can ask her who she wants to stay with. I don't know about all of you, but I want Sara to be a comfortable as possible. Dealing with something like this is not only emotionally draining but also physically."

"Yeah. When she was in the parking lot she didn't look good at all." Nick said.

"I uh, I gotta go get some fresh air or something. I just need to get out of here." Warrick said getting up.

"I'll go with you. Cath, call us when she gets back okay?"

"Sure thing, Nick."

Brass looked across the table at Catherine. "I should have know, Catherine. I should have seen it and stopped him. I saw the way he looked at her. Damn it."

"Jim, there is no way you could have known. I mean it's Gil we're talking about! The guy who loves bugs, who would rather spend time with is pet tarantula then be around people. Who in a million years would have thought this would happen. Don't blame yourself for his own stupidity."

"You didn't see the look in his eye."

"You're right, I didn't. But if I'd asked you last week if you thought Gil was capable of cheating, on Sara no less, the woman he's loved for years, what would you have said to me?"

He sighed. "I'd tell you that you're out of your mind."

"Exactly. None of us could have known. There's just no way."

Brass looked over his shoulder, making sure no one was in ear shot of them. "You know Ecklie is gonna try and make Sara leave right?"

She shook her head. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"There's no way he'd make Gil transfer, so that means it'll be Sara."

"God, Jim. How did it come to this?"

"That is a hell of a good question."

'Dear Sara,

You know expressing my emotion is not my strongest point. But please, bare with me as I try. You've known me for many years, so by now you know that my actions regarding the events earlier were-'

Grissom tore the paper of and threw it at his feet. He twirled the pen between his fingers, trying to think of the right words to express the tangle of emotions inside.

'Dear Sara,

Emotion is clearly not my strong point. By now you surely know it is my weakest. So please, as you read this, keep that in mind. I cannot explain the reason for my actions, but I will do my best to explain them to you.

What I did has never happened before. I want you to know that. This was the first time that I've done something like this. Never before have I ever looked at another woman that way when I was with you.

Until now. I am sure you don't want to hear any of this, and I can not blame you. But I want you to understand that this had nothing to do with you. My actions were my own and mine alone.

Amy. That's her name. I was on the case with Jim. A man was hit and killed by a drunk driver. I went with Jim to make the notification. The man that was killed was Amy's brother. When I saw her I suddenly had a feeling of connection. Of understanding.

You know what it's like, Sara. Out of anyone on the team, you, out of all of them, understand empathy. The sudden urge to comfort. To make everything okay. To fix things that are broken.

That feeling came over me like I've never felt before. Suddenly, I needed to be there for her.

When you came and asked me out for lunch you could tell something was wrong. I tried to hide it but you know me to well. Luckily, you did as I had hoped. Your dropped it and left. Once the words, the lies, had left my mouth I was overcome with guilt. I'd lied to you.

I found her address and made my way there. She invited me inside and we talked. We talked for hours. About everything. It was like I wasn't in my own body. As if I couldn't control my own actions. The words fell from my mouth without second thought. My body moved on it's own accord.

As you know, one thing led to another. And another.

Sorry does not suffice. I know that it never will. I have no reason for my actions. No real explanation. I'm not asking you for forgiveness, but I am asking you for understanding. I know even that is a lot because even I don't fully understand my behavior.

I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to degrade what you're going through. Honestly right now I don't know who I am. What I've become. I'm sure you've been asking yourself those same questions.

Please know that this is in no way your fault. I don't want you to be burdened with guilt. Although I'm not saying that you are feeling guilt...This is what I mean, Sara. I have something I want to say but the words come out with two meanings. And that's not what I want.

Sara. No matter what happens or doesn't happen between us.

I love you.

Gil'