I'm so sorry for this chapter taking so long. Life just sucks right now. There's really no other way to say. My dad's stable right now but he is declining, so I'm honestly not sure when the next update will be. I have some of the next chapter writtenso. I'll have two weeks off from school so hopefully I can get a bit of writing in then. My best friend Addy, beta read this chapter for me and she said that while she was reading it was like she was reading about me. Like I was speaking through Sara. And I am. It's odd because my life and what Sara's going through are just so different and yet, some feelings are the same. There are just things in life that you cannot prepare yourself for. Be it being cheated on by someone you love dearly or by knowing that this is the last Christmas you'll have with your dad and you're only 17. And what's worse is knowing that you will never get over it. Life will just keep going on. It'll keep moving no matter how much you beg for it to stop...Well i'm shutting up now so you all can get on with the reading. Again I apologize for taking so long to update. Please let me know what you think.

Enjoy

Chapter 15 "Gone" Lonely Girl by Pink

When Sara had finally agreed to talk to her, Catherine decided to take her out for a dink. That was one good thing about Vegas, no mater what time of day it was, there were always a few bars open.

"How do you get over something like this, Cath?" Sara asked as she took another sip of her beer.

Catherine shook her head. "You don't. It's always going to be a part of you. You can't run from it. You can't from hide it. It's just there. If you can get past the fact that it's gonna stay there for good, then you're on the right track."

"And what if you don't get past it?"

Catherine shrugged sympathetically, "Then you're screwed."

Sara sighed. "Great."

"You'll get through it Sara. You're strong and independent. You've got three guys that love and care about you, and that are watching out for you. Plus me and Brass. And you know we all carry guns so..." Catherine said smiling.

Sara couldn't help but laugh a little at that. "Very true."

The two sat in silence for a little while just enjoying their drinks.

"I'm just so tired you know? Emotionally andphysically. I think I've come to the point were I just don't care. I'm just talking about Grissom and tonight. I mean in general; Words, actions, and incidents still affect me but not nearly as much as they should.

On this job you see death everyday, like it's nothing. I know that it's a part of life, everyone has to die sometime. But some of them are just kids. And Gil, he was just the cherry on top. I know that I should hurt, feel pain, anger, anything. Yet, I just have this feeling of nothingness. Everything is just blank. The things I see and hear should make me want to cry. But no, I sit here solemnly. Not saying a word.

Then it's like I suddenly notice that I want to feel pain. Something so that I know it's real. So I know I'm still living, breathing, that I have a heart that is beating inside my chest. And then I have to ask myself, what kind of person have I become; someone who needs to feel pain in order for feel real?

Talking to friends and stuff you know, I laugh and smile, and I really do have a good time. But under that smile there's just nothing. It's just...empty. Then the thought occurs to me; how can I be really and truly happy at times and yet still feel so lifeless? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder if I'm still alive, ya know? Because there's just nothing there.

As each day passes, even if it was a fairly good day, I feel drained. Then I wake up the next morning and go through the motions all over again, like I'm on auto pilot or something. Some days affect me more then most. I feel worse then I really should.

I end up crying myself to sleep at night. And for me to cry then it's gotta be pretty bad. My mind racing from one thing to the next, until finally the tears come. And I cry and cry until there is nothing left. I fall asleep and wake up as if nothing ever happened.

Every once in a while I get a glimpse of how life used to be, you know when I was actually happy. Just thinking about it feels like a dream. Like a memory that isn't really there. But then I close my eyes and the moment is gone. And I'm thrust back into the black hole that is now known as life.

It seems as if every good thing I have to look forward to begins to fade away. Either it ends up never happening or if it does something will happen after that is far from good. Look at me now! Here I am, drinking because the man I loved with my whole heart and soul, cheated on me. What a way to go right?

Somehow in my life the bad things always seem to overshadow the good. I try to look on the bright side of things, to look for the light in the heavy darkness, but after a while I get tired of looking. Because for every good thing that happens there is something much, much worse that follows. If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm beginning to learn how very true that statement is.

And so every day is just a big question mark, right? If today will be good what darkness will follow? If today will be bad will tomorrow be worse? If this week was horrible, what will the next bring?

I'm just sitting here and my mind won't stop racing. Where does life go from here? What am I gonna do about my job, cause I sure as hell will not be working side by side with him. You know, do I move? Do I quit my job? We have a place together...I can't go back to that but then again I can't just leave everything. What happens when-"

"Sara." Catherine said gently. Her heart breaking as she saw the young woman falling to peices in front of her.

"What?" Sara said as she fought back tears.

"I know this sounds like an impossible thing to do right now, but you need to relax. You're going to make yourself sick if you keep thinking of the "what if's". And I know you'll think this is a complete lie too, but things will get better. You just take it a day at a time and if that's to much then you just take it hour by hour.

And if the job is to much right now or if you don't think you can work with him then you don't quit. Do not let him take that away from you. You take a vacation because God knows you haven't taken one in years." Catherine said smiling a little. "And you just get away for a while. It might not feel like the right thing to do right now but ya know what, there is no right thing to do right now."

She looked at Sara, hoping her words had made some impact on her. But she just kept staring at the bottom of the empty glass.

"Life sucks right now, and it may get worse, but then again it may get better. Things will be different though. You'll look back at this someday and say "I never needed him in my life and I'm better off without him." And because of this you will be stronger. Did you know that you are the strongest woman I know? I'm serious too.

You are damn good at your job, Sara. You stand up for what you believe in. You fight for the truth. And you don't back down. You know if I was in your shoes right now I wouldn't even be sitting here. I'd be out burning every picture of him. But-"

"I still love him."

Sara's words caught her off guard.

"I-I still love him." Sara spoke the words again, this time with more meaning and passion behind them.

Catherine took a moment to gather her thoughts before responding. "Then you love him...Maybe over time that will go away or maybe it'll stay there. But it's not wrong to love him, Sara. He was a big part of your life and I'm not going to lie to you, but there's going to be a hole missing and you're not going to be able to fill it for a long time."

"I think that's what scares me."

"Why does it scare you?"

"Because I can love a man who cheated on me. I'm-I'm not really scared because I love him, but I'm scared of what it makes me."

"It makes you human. We screw up. We make mistakes. We fall in love with the wrong guy. We judge people. We do things we shouldn't. It's life. And you know, sometimes you just gotta live it. You have to suck it up and bear the load. I'm not saying you have to act like everything's peaches and cream but you just have to keep going."

"Does the pain ever go away?" Sara asked, her voice almost childlike.

"No...No, it doesn't."

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while. Nothing else needed to be said. Catherine felt better knowing that Sara was on the right track to getting better, because the first step was being honest with yourself and what you feel. She was happy because it felt like she might have made some small difference in Sara's life. Even though nothing had really changed yet.

"I think I'm ready to get out of here." Sara said after a while.

"Sure thing." Catherine said as she got up to pay for their drinks. "Where do you want to go now?"

Sara didn't answer for a while. She'd been at the lab too much already and she didn't feel like having more people stare at her with pity. That only left home. But it was their home together. It was a step they had taken together. And was she really ready to risk the chance that he might be there. Although she highly doubted that he would have the courage to be there after all of this.

"I wanna go home." Sara blurted out. If she didn't do it now then she might not ever be able too.

"Are you sure?"

"Yep."

"Alright then." Cath said as she pulled out of the parking lot.

They pulled up in front of house about 20 minutes later, Sara's heart beating fast with anticipation. But luckily Grissom's car was no where in sight. Her heart rate slowed down but the anxiety she felt inside grew immensely.

"You want me to go in with you?"

"I wouldn't dream of doing it alone." Sara said, her eyes fixated on the front door.

Walking up the pathway seemed like miles to Sara. Once they reached the door she pulled her keys out of her pocket. Sara pushed the key in but didn't turn it. Catherine stood patiently at her side.

Sara took a few deep breathes and closed her eyes as she unlocked the door. She didn't know why she was so nervous. She already knew he wasn't inside. But the memories were. Memories of candle lit dinners, of laughter, talking about secrets, about love. "I can do this." Sara whispered to herself as she pushed open the door.

The house was silent and calm. Light was shining through the windows. Sara heard Hank barking at the back door, waiting to come in. She bit her bottom lip as she walked inside. It was like she was seeing things for the first time. Pictures of the two of them together were scattered about the house. They looked so happy. So in love.

"I'm uh, gonna go let Hank in okay?" Catherine said.

But Sara wasn't even paying attention to her anymore. Something was...off. The house just felt different. Sara walked towards the bedroom. There just seemed to be something about the room that was calling to her.

The sight before her eyes hit her like a brick in the chest. Everything of his was gone. G. O. N. E. Gone. There was no trace of him. His clothes. His books. All his belongings. It was like he was never even there.

Sara felt like she'd been hit by a train. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She couldn't even start to process everything. She felt her legs go weak. Exhaustion taking it's effect on her. She backed up against the wall. Needing something to support her. She slowly slid down to the floor.

Her eyes were staring wide at an envelope on her night stand. It seemed as if it had a flashing sign on it saying "Read me". But she didn't know if she could. She could see his handwriting on the front. Her heart beat faster. Could she really stand reading it? Could she face the words that seemed to be taunting her from behind that piece of paper?

Could she put her heart through more pain?

Please review! They bring a little sunshine to my stormy day! :)