Hey everyone. Chapter 16 is finally here! Yay! Thanks so much to my beta and best friend Addy =) Life is still crazy as hell and I haven't even started chap. 17 yet so with Christmas in a few days and well just life it may be a while before I can get the next chapter up and running. But please stick with the story. I promise I won't quit on you...Hope you all have a good holiday!

Enjoy

Chapter 16 "Love, Rain and Trust" Beauty From Pain by Superchick

Sara felt like she was watching a movie of herself. She couldn't feel anything as she stood up and walked over to the letter that could possibly change her life forever. Not that her life hadn't been changed drastically already.

Her hands shook with anticipation and fear as she picked it up. Grissom's hand writing always seemed so elegant. But now the words etched on paper looked so daunting. Like they were mocking her. She felt sick to her stomach as she sat down on the bed. Her head throbbed with every beat of her heart. She slowly unfolded the paper and read.

Her eyes sped over every word. Every sentence. Every detail.

'What I did has never happened before. I want you to know that.... But I want you to understand that this had nothing to do with you. My actions were my own and mine alone....

Amy...That's her name...

When I saw her I suddenly had a feeling of connection... To make everything okay. To fix things that are broken... That feeling came over me like I've never felt before. Suddenly, I needed to be there for her...

I was overcome with guilt. I'd lied to you...

As you know, one thing led to another. And another... I'm not asking you for forgiveness, but I am asking you for understanding... I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to degrade what you're going through. Honestly right now I don't know who I am. What I've become...

Sara. No matter what happens or doesn't happen between us...

I love you.'

If her loved her like he said he did, how could he have possibly hurt her in such a terrible way? She angrily wiped tears away as she picked up another piece of paper that had fallen out of the envelope. She wasn't sure if her heart could take what was written on it, but it would hurt much more if she didn't know.

"Sara if you are reading this then that means that I am gone. I can honestly say that I don't know were I'm going. But I have to go. I'm not running away from you, or the situation at hand, although I'm sure it seems like I am. I'm only trying to make things slightly easier for you. Not that my leaving is the least bit easy.

You can continue working without my interference. And you don't have to worry about the housing situation. I'm sure that this is not a good way to be dealing with things, but then again is there a right way?

I will send a forwarding address to the lab once I know where I'm headed. I won't be gone long, but if I do come back I'm sure that it won't be for good. Just so we can get things sorted out.

I am sure you've read the letter by now. I truly mean every word of it. I still love you. With every beat of my heart. Surely, you hate me right now and want nothing to do with me, so I will end here. I never knew that I was capable of hurting someone in the way that I have hurt you. 1,000 sorry's will not begin to express a small fraction of how horrible I feel.

I will never stop loving you, Sara. You will always hold my heart.

Sincerely yours,

Gilbert Grissom"

She couldn't breathe. Couldn't think. She just kept staring at the letter in her hand. It couldn't be real. It was fake. It just had too be. He wouldn't just leave. Would he? She was still mad as hell with him, but now it was like something had been ripped out of her. There were so many emotions running through her body she couldn't tell one from the other.

Sara heard a soft knock at the door but she couldn't turn to face it. Tears streamed down her face for what felt like the thousandth time. She hated it when she cried. When she was young she used to fear that they wouldn't stop. That they would just keep streaming down her face forever. Crying was a sign of weakness. It was looked upon with pity. That's what she hated most.

"Sara?" Catherine watched as Sara sat unmoving on the edge of the bed. "Are you okay?"

The letter felt like it was burning in her hand. She wanted so desperately to let it go but she couldn't. She knew that Catherine deserved and answer, but how could she tell her? Saying it aloud could only make it more real. And right now she was sure she couldn't handle that.

"I-I can't do this...I'm sorry."

She stood up, the letter falling from her hands. Sara couldn't look Catherine in the eye as she walked swiftly past her. Taking the stairs two at a time, it was like she couldn't get out of there fast enough. Everywhere she turned she saw him. She grabbed her jacket and keys, not even bothering to close the door as she left.

As soon as her feet hit the pavement she ran. She ran hard and fast. Nothing was chasing her, and yet she had so many things to be running from.

Catherine stood in the empty bedroom for a moment before she walked over and picked up the piece of paper that had fallen from Sara's lap. She looked at it and instantly recognized Grissom's hand writing. Her eyes skimmed over the page quickly. She couldn't believe the words she read. He left? Without so much as a goodbye, he was just gone?

She couldn't even begin to imagine what Sara must be going through right now. What thoughts were surely going through her head.

"What the hell are you thinking, Gil?"

The sky above her had grown dark with rain clouds. The storm was back. Much like it was in her life. Her body screamed at her to stop and rest, but she kept running. The lack of food, sleep and the emotional hell she'd been through was starting to take it's tole. She wanted so badly to just curl up, go to sleep and never wake up again. But her feet wouldn't stop.

She pulled the jacket tighter around her and finally began to slow down. The coldness beginning to creep into her skin. She breathed in and the cold, stormy air filled her lungs. The first few rain drops began to fall. She knew the smart thing to do would be to turn around now and head back. But she couldn't. She could not face the truth now. She needed time to process everything that had just happened.

She needed to analyze her life. Figure out where she was, how she'd gotten there and where to go next. And she could not do that at home. Not with so many reminders of him surrounding her.

The rain began fall harder and quicker. She stopped and closed her eyes, letting the rain fall over her. She wanted so badly to be washed away in it. To let everything just drift off into the abyss. All the things that she was holding inside. She wanted to let go of everything that she was to afraid to admit to herself.

She that thought that it must look so strange, her just standing there. But she didn't care. She'd always loved the rain. The smell. The way it felt as rain drops hit her skin. Just the thought that the water was so pure and fresh.

It felt so odd knowing that only moments ago she'd been overwhelmed by different emotions but now an eerie calm seemed to have settled over her. She was thinking clearly and logically. As if she was looking at her life through the eyes of someone else. Someone who could look at the situation at hand and come up with a rational decision on what to do.

Grissom was gone. There was no changing that. She had to move and get past that. Their relationship was over. He still loved her, at least he'd said he did. And somewhere in her heart she knew she loved him too. The love had stayed but the trust had been shattered. Years of trust had fallen apart in a single second. Their relationship had been complicated before but now it was just beyond reason.

That was the only way she could explain it. Their love for each other was just as strong as it had been before, but now the assurance of trust was gone. And Sara wasn't sure if they could ever get that back.

On the job it was easy, you learn to trust your partner with your life and they trust you with theirs. But with love you trust one single person with your whole heart. And one mistake can send your world spinning out of control. It's something you don't simply recover from. You're scared forever. There's no changing that.

You go through life always thinking that it won't happen to you. You watch as it happens to other people and you can believe it. You can take, you can cope. But when it happens to you...It's different.

There are things you should say, but you can't. Emotions you think you should be feeling, but you aren't. And then you wonder what kind of horrible person you are because you don't feel anything now. Everything feels so redundant. You think the same things over and over again. You say the same thing so many times. But to you, it never gets old. So then you just stop talking, because who wants to listen to a broken record?

Words don't seem to be enough. They don't come close. The things you feel are not the least bit expressible. You feel how you feel and you can't change it, even when you think you should. Life will go on without you. You can't stop it. No matter how much you beg, you pray. Time continues. And you have to go with it. If you feel like it or not. One thing after another, you just keep getting shot down. Again and again. You want nothing more then to have a break from it all. Just a break from life.

But it's not exactly like you can just stop living. Well, you can, but that's not who you are. You've seen the life fade from people before your eyes so how could you possibly ever take your own? Life is a gift. Even when it sucks. Even when you're past your breaking point and on the edge of sanity. You live. You love. You cry. You laugh. You smile. You scream.

And yet through it all, you keep going. You're not even sure what's at the end, but something in you makes you put one foot in front of the other. That thing that makes you get out of bed in the morning. It's something that's unexplainable. Something deep down in your soul, in your core. That feeling of knowing that the tears will stop. That the pain will end.

Even when it seems like life can't get any worse, that thing inside that tells you it will pass. And you believe it. Not only because you are desperate for just one little ounce of hope, but because you just know that it is true.

When darkness closes in and all you have is one small candle of light. You can hear your heart beat in the deadly silence, but you feel nothing. You're cold. Lifeless. You try and try to keep things together but you can feel yourself slip away. After a while all you can feel is the pain. You smile but it feels fake. You laugh but it sounds different.

Happiness is only a memory now. All you can hope for is to make it through the day. You wonder how God could do this to you. How He could put you through so much sorrow and agony. You don't understand why it's happened. You just know that is has. But there's something in the back of your mind telling you it's happened for a reason. A reason you can't understand.

There are times when you feel like you've forgotten how to have hope. How to believe that there will be light. That the next day will dawn. But you know in your heart that after everything has passed, you will stand strong. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or next year. But someday, happiness will fall upon you again. And you can smile and really mean it.

And from the pain, there will be beauty.

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