Hey so here's another chapter! I really enjoyed writing this one so I hope you all like it. Thanks to my friend Tammy for beta reading it for me! Plus she kept buggin me to UD so I figured I'd put her to work while she read! ;) Haha Anyway, got the next chapter written, just need it beta-ed and it'll be good to go. Probably UD next week sometime. Enjoy
Chapter 20 - "Dreams. Memories. And Lost Love." The Littlest Things by Lily Allen
Grissom sat in the darkness of his hotel room. He was miserable. He'd gone out and walked around the town, trying to actually enjoy some of the beautiful sights around him. But his thoughts were never far from her. He'd seen two people kissing and remembered their fist kiss. How he'd been so nervous the whole night, how he couldn't focus on anything.
He did have to admit it was an odd first date since they had known each other for so long, but at the end of the night, he'd been able to work up the courage to do it. She'd looked at him with her chocolate brown eyes, as if asking him to kiss her. A silent understanding. He loved how she had blushed ever so lightly as he leaned down to kiss her.
As he pulled away he noticed her eyes were still closed, as if wanting to hold on to that moment for a little while longer. When she'd opened them and realized he had been watching her, she quickly looked away and smiled.
He'd said good night to her, smiled and turned to walk away. He hadn't taken more then two steps before her voice stopped him. She'd said good night, Gilbert. Not once in all the years they'd known each other had she called him Gilbert. No one the team did for that matter. Now it was his turn to blush as he turned to take one last look at her.
It had been four days since 'the kiss'. That's how she thought of it, 'thekiss'. Not 'our kiss' or anything else. It was just 'the kiss'. The first day at work had been interesting. Both of them had no idea what to do or how to act around each other.
They had talked a little about whether or not they should be open with the team about their new found relationship, or if they should keep it hidden. Sara didn't want anyone to know just yet, in case the word somehow got back to Grissom. That was one thing she didn't want to have to worry about.
But on the other hand, Nick somewhat wanted everyone to know, especially Grissom. But they came to the agreement that it would be kept between the two of them for a week and after they would discuss it more.
Sara sat yet again alone in her apartment. Cold beer in hand. She'd just gotten off of work. It had been a tough case. Bringing back many unwanted memories of her childhood. Nick and Catherine, who'd worked the case with her, had noticed her sudden change in behavior. Although when they asked about it, she shrugged them off saying she was just tired.
And it wasn't a lie. She was tired. Just not so much physically as mentally. She didn't feel like herself anymore. This whole 'thing' with Nick had her way off base. She went along with it, and she honestly did have a good time hanging out with him. Smiling and laughing felt natural. It was nice. But it just wasn't her. She felt bad for leading him on, but then again she wasn't leading him on. She really did have feelings for him.
But she was still somewhat unsure of what exactly those feelings were. She hated herself for that. For not being able to speak her mind. How she really felt. Instead she went on acting like everything was a-okay. She liked being dark and moody because it was how she felt on the inside, but whenever she went out she'd plaster on a smile and act fine.
She would cry herself to sleep at night, just to feel real. So she could hold onto that small part of herself that was left. When Grissom left those first couple of weeks she'd been numb. Oblivious to the world around her. But now that life was back in full swing she was stuck on auto pilot. Going through the motions without thinking.
Laughing when there was a joke, even if she didn't find it funny. Saying she was okay when she felt like breaking down. Smiling when people looked at her just so they wouldn't ask too many questions.
She took another sip of beer as silent tears fell down her cheeks. All the curtains were closed, blocking out the day light. Her mind flashed back to the time when Grissom had come over to check up on her after she'd blown up at Catherine and had been suspended by Ecklie. She remembered that day almost to well.
Grissom had been pressing her, wanting to know the reason behind her anger. To this day she still didn't know why she gave in so easily. How she'd trusted him so quickly. Her whole life and still somewhat to this day, she had a hard time trusting people. With Grissom though, she just knew that she could.
The end credits began to roll on the movie. Grissom sighed and looked over at his clock. 3AM. He wasn't even tired. He'd watched one of his favorite movies, The Big Chill. Yet somehow it had lost something. This time he didn't enjoy it as much as he had in the past. But he knew in reality it was him that had lost something. Sara.
And unlike in the movies, he couldn't just show up on her doorstep with flowers and an apology and he'd sweep her off her feet to live happily ever after. Life didn't work like that. And now getting back together with Sara could only be a dream.
Grissom sat up and turned off the TV. He walked over to the window. Looking out at the lights of the city. It wasn't as bright as Vegas. Actually it seemed quite dull in comparison. He had to admit he missed Vegas. He even missed his job. A job were he was paid to solve puzzles. To him that was pure perfection. He loved a good puzzle. But when it came to love and solving that, he wasn't any good.
He remembered the way it felt. To love without realizing it. The way his heart would skip a beat any time she walked into a room. The way his knees would weaken any time she smiled at him. But that feeling was only a memory now. And it was fading fast.
Dreams. That's what his life had become. The memories he had of when they were together were like dreams, he could picture it in his mind but the feeling was slipping away. And he could only dream of being with her again.
God, how he missed the sound of her voice. The touch of her skin. Her laugh. The way she blushed when she was embarrassed. That knowing look and smile, like she knew exactly what he was thinking. Now they were merely dreams of something that had been. Not something that was to come. He wondered if she thought of him the same way.
Did she miss him? His laugh, his smile? His touch? He shook his head. If he kept thinking that like he would drive himself crazy. But the smallest things made him think of Sara in some way. If he could have just one day with her. One single day when things could be like they were. He'd give anything for that.
One thing he came to realize was that no one could ever replace Sara. She was one in a million. She was his night and day. His sun and moon. She was his life. And he'd lost her. Or rather, he'd let her go.
He had let go of his one and only love.
The phone rang, but she made no move to answer it. Finally the machine kicked in. 'Hey Sara, it's me. Sorry, guess you might be sleeping. Didn't really think of that. Anyway, I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab a late dinner before shift? Let me know. I can swing by and pick you up if you like. See you later.'
Greg was worried about her. She could tell by the sound of his voice. She had a feeling that he knew of her relationship with Nick or at the very least knew that something was going on. Greg always had an uncanny way of being able to tell when something was going on with Sara. Even when she did her best to hide it from him.
When she and Grissom had first started dating, Greg kept asking Sara these hinting questions. Like 'if you could have the perfect guy, what would his hair color be?'. Stupid things like that and also somewhat more serious ones. Finally she'd broken down and told him. Even though she and Grissom had agreed to keep it secret she figured that Griss had told Brass, so she could tell Greg.
And surprisingly, he hadn't been that surprised. He told Sara that he'd noticed how happy she'd been lately and how Grissom blushed every time he looked at her. He willingly agreed to keep their secret for however long they needed. And he kept his word.
Sara couldn't help but smile as she thought about it. She closed her eyes. She'd thought about Grissom so much today. More so then any other day. She remembered how happy she was. She missed the way he'd hold her close to him as she cried after a hard case. How she missed that feeling. And how she hated memories.
For her, they always brought back unwanted feelings. Things she tried so desperately to forget. But here she was; empty beer bottle in hand and a tear streaked face.
Remembering her lost love.
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