Hunter awoke on day three to the click of their archaic answering machine, a relic from the 80's that happened to be the only one that Shawn was able to use with any competency. He expected it would be another well wisher from Shawn's church, the number of those calls promising enthusiastically said prayers had not decreased since the first day the news broke. If Hunter could say one good thing about the people who believed it was that they were certainly determined.
It was when he heard the gruff voice echoing in the hall that he leapt out of bed and propped himself up on the balustrade at the top of the landing, too sleep-drunk to run down the stairs at any kind of sprint lest his knees should decide to have one of their regular episodes. The words echoed clearly in the silent house, their housekeeper presumably out running errands and the dogs out on the yard idling in the sun.
"Hunt, it's me. Well, you know who it is. But anyway, its me. Dammit you know I hate these things. Anyway, I was wondering if...well...yeah... wondering if you wanna come down to the hospital today sometime. I think we need to talk and I don't want to do it over the phone. Can you bring me some new books to read too, I'm bored to heck and back. Well, see you later. Or if not just ring the nurse station, don't wanna be expecting visitors and not... you'll probably come though... but anyway. Just let me know if you're busy. See ya."
The ramble was just that, barely coherent and confirming just how much Shawn hated using the phone, even at the best of times. Hunter smiled until he realised that the phrase "need to talk" had been used and his history had taught him well that such clichés hardly ever led to a happy ending.
~~x~~
It hadn't taken Hunter long to wash and dress, stopping only briefly for breakfast before making one of his speediest trips to the hospital. He was well in advance of the authorised visiting hours but he knew that some sweet talk and another box of cookies would grease the usually stuck wheels of authority. A quick trip to the market on the way there would soon see to that.
The elevator made its usual rumbling journey up the many floors and when the doors pinged open he took a deep breath and made his way into the corridor. His feet felt like lead the closer he got to the nurse station, the realisation of what he might hear finally forcing its way through the barrier of denial he'd been building since Shawn had sent him away a few days before.
Once the exchange of pleasantries and bribery of the nurses had been dealt with he made his way to Shawn's room and even knocked to announce himself. He didn't feel that just entering was the right thing to do; he wasn't really sure what the right thing to do about most things was any more. The call came from Shawn for him to go in and he slipped into the otherwise silent room.
Sitting in what he'd come to consider as 'his' chair Hunter looked at Shawn who was sitting more upright in bed than he'd seen him before and found it to be a welcome sight. Surely that meant that Shawn was well enough to come home and maybe he'd have a chance to make some kind of amends for his doubts? He didn't have much of an opportunity to turn that thought over in his mind before the first low words were spoken.
"You really hurt me Hunter. Really hurt me."
Hunter would've settled for a hello, even for shouting and bawling rather than such a stark statement as Shawn's opening gambit. It threw him totally, not knowing what to say in his defence, if indeed it was worth defending himself at all.
"I'm sorry, I just... I didn't know what to think."
"I suppose now I've thought about it a little more I can see why."
Shawn's voice wasn't getting through the haze, the mild background panic that was making Hunter's heart beat loudly in his ears. Hunter paused and then said something that sounded truer and more sincere in his mind than any words that left his mouth could manage to convey.
"I don't know what I was thinking, how I coulda believed it, even for a minute."
"I can see why you'd think what you did."
"You can?"
The conversation called itself to a halt with those two words, Shawn's firmer tone of voice making his words clearer. Hunter felt his disbelief conceding to his tentative belief in those words, despite still not being entirely sure he'd heard them correctly. It seemed almost too good to be true that Shawn would be as understanding but he decided not to question or challenge further, accepting the gift the sentiment appeared to be.
"I called Vince. Now I know he's no moral barometer but he's got a level head. He told me to think it through, put myself in your shoes and see what conclusions I'd get out of it all. Turns out he was right to make me do that. I won't tell him that though, even if he does make a lot of sense sometimes."
"I do love you Shawn and-"
"Don't you think I know that already? It was the fact you didn't trust me that bothered me the most. Hunter, we went through so much just to be together, how could you think I'd throw that all away?"
"I don't know. You know when something just comes at a bad time? I was so worried about you that when Paul rocked up with those photos I just – they gave me a 'why' at a time when I had nothing else to go on. I needed to make sense in my head of why he did something like that to you. I just believed what I saw, camera never lies, right? I know now I should have believed what I knew instead."
Eyes shut and shaking his head Hunter listened to what he'd just said as it echoed in his mind. It all seemed so simple; Shawn loved him, always had and always would. If only he'd had the strength to believe that no matter what was shown to him, what cruel tricks his mind had played on him in the depths of so many dark and lonely nights. He'd never doubted Shawn before, not even the playful and flirty Shawn that never strayed, never did more than gently suggest things that would never happen. His Shawn, the one he fell in love with a long, long time ago and had had to wait what felt like half his life to be with. That one. In the cold light of day with a hit of Vince's reality check it seemed so easy, so straightforward.
"And d'you still know that stuff now?"
"Yeah, yeah I do. Never more so."
"But you do know Hunt that this ain't fixed with just a sorry..."
"What do you mean?"
"I can understand but I'm still pretty damn cut up about it," Shawn sighed and looked down at his hands; the digits tangled together and twisting nervously in the sheet covered lap. "That's why I've decided I don't wanna come home just yet."
Hunter looked up at Shawn, the blue eyes flashing sage green as the light caught them. He knew that look, it was a warning shot across the bows. It said "Don't argue with me, don't challenge me..." but he felt his grand plans of caring for Shawn as part of his apology were slowly fading away. If he wasn't going to be allowed to make amends in the early days then what was the chance of him being able to do so as time marched on? He had no idea where it left them, no hope that the understanding could turn back into the solid love they'd once shared. In nothing more than a mutter he still felt compelled to ask, however misguided a notion he knew it was in his heart.
"Why not?"
"Hunt its for the best. Just for a few weeks to start with. I need intensive rehab, we both know that. I gotta hit this early and hard and to do that I need to give it all I've got. No distractions."
"But you can do that at home... that was the plan a few days ago..."
"Sure it was but, well, I don't want to be distracted while I'm getting back on track. It won't be for long."
With that Hunter saw a hand extending towards him across the stark white sheets. He looked up and Shawn smiled at him, a soft smile that saw the thin lips curl upwards at the corners fondly. Tentatively he offered his own hand halfway towards meeting it, not daring to assume that it was affection rather than a simple hand gesture.
When the warm fingers interlocked with his own Hunter felt his heart inflate and the giddy rush of love that had never faded in the years they'd been together. One moment of tenderness, of love had sent him spiralling like a junkie, wanting more but knowing he'd have to make do with the hit he'd been given.
"You are gonna come back though?"
"Well, I think so."
A moment of quiet saw their eyes lock and hold, no words or movement, barely even so much as a blink to indicate that they were more than two statues, frozen in time.
"What?"
"Lets just see how it goes. I don't want to be a burden to you Hunter, it wouldn't be fair."
"You'd never be a burden to me."
"Tell me that after you've washed me head to toe and wiped my ass every day for the first month!"
Shawn's laughter was stilted and sounded forced. To Hunter it sounded like Shawn's worst nightmare would be being at home with him, wondering what favours and assistance were being offered out of nothing more than duty or obligation. In his heart he knew he wanted to make amends by offering nothing but the most attentive care he could but in reality he had a feeling that that was the last thing Shawn wanted from him.
It worried Hunter that all the promises they'd made to one another over time of care in times of injury and if either of them got seriously hurt were dissolving. Long forgotten in both minds were the hours of patient waiting that had taken place in that very room; sleepless days followed by sleepless nights that seemed almost innumerate. What had started out as a labour of love had ended as a laboured love for one of them at least.
Drawing a deep breath Hunter readied himself for one last ditch attempt at changing the mind of the resolute man looking at him with kind yet dully glazed eyes.
"I'd do anything for you Shawn."
"I believe that. I do. Just let me do this my way, get me back on my feet and then we'll see, ok?"
"Why not let me at least try?"
"I just need to concentrate of fixing me up for now, hitting the ground running in the right way. I need to get strong enough just to be at home, that's not gonna make much sense to you but to me, its all I can think about. "
"How long for?"
A pause followed where Shawn tilted his head from one side to another, his eyes rolled to the ceiling as if he were counting something or figuring the answer out in his mind.
"Well, see, from what Dr Lee told me it'll only be for a few weeks at first. See how I get on. After that maybe I come home, maybe I go on somewhere more specialist. At the moment Hunt, I really don't know."
With a nod that in itself passed as a heavy-hearted acknowledgement Hunter realised that Shawn was absolutely and totally serious. The statement about him going away had been just that, there would be no discussion or options, only what Shawn wanted and most likely had already booked and got their insurance to pay for.
"So, when do you go?"
"Tomorrow, maybe the day after. I think they said they'd have a space coming up this next few days. Won't be long anyways. Someone got better enough to leave so there's hope for a wretch like me, huh?"
A ripple of laughter between them covered both the joke and the impending awkwardness of their parting. Hunter knew he'd be walking out of the hospital and left to play another waiting game, one that seemed a hell of a lot worse than even the one he'd undergone while they both got the courage up to actually be together. Rubbing his damp palms on his jeans he readied himself for the handshake that he expected to be their parting gesture and covered his throat clearing with a cough. The cough failed to shift the lump that was swelling at the back of his throat or calm the slow-burning fire that was heading up his spine.
"Well, I guess you'll need some time to get ready so I'll, erm, I'll make tracks and give you some time to get your things ready." Rising to his feet Hunter could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest, his breathing struggling to stay regular as the tension in the room seemed to escalate. "I love you Shawn. No matter what I did or didn't do, or what I didn't ought to've believed, I love you." Extending his arm and hand he waited until he saw Shawn's lift up off the bedsheets and go to shake it.
"You don't get off that lightly Hunt, you never did."
With one strong tug Hunter found himself leaning uncomfortably over the high sides of the bed, his left foot struggling to stay in contact with the ground. All thoughts of that though went out of his mind as he found his face pressed into the nape of Shawn's neck, the familiar scent of the fading body wash flooding his senses every bit as much as the arm that wrapped itself around his body and gripped tightly.
The tears that had already threatened to fall pooled in his closed eyes and for those few seconds it was as if nothing had ever happened. Shawn had just had another back op and would be home and ordering him around any day soon. There was no Chris, no Paul, no pictures; nothing other than just them.
Slowly the grip around his hand and ribcage loosened and he stood with his hands propped on the bed side, head hung low between his shoulder blades. It was hard for him not to see it as a foot in the door or a sign that things were already on the mend. He knew that it was just Shawn's way of telling him to be strong, to believe. No words would be found or needed, not yet.
Wearing a weak smile he turned away and walked towards the door, not sure whether or not it was the right time to leave but wanting to keep the watery eyes he'd developed to himself. With a silent sigh he grabbed the handle and pushed it down, the door clicking open and the cool air of the corridor making his eyes feel even more like clenching shut.
"Love ya Hunt."
The three quietly spoken words drove straight into his heart, the nausea rising in his body as the confusion settled itself into his mind. He stopped dead and tried to find the words or the ability to say them back. All that sat at the back of his tongue was the lump he'd felt before, the one he knew would be not assuaged by any amount of sweet words. He daren't turn around now, the warm tears trickling down over his cheeks and flooding into the strips of hair that still framed his chin.
"It's okay Hunter, I know you love me too. This... it's for the best, just trust me on this one."
It wouldn't be until hours later when sleep refused to come that Hunter would turn the last sentence over in his mind, wishing that he could go back in time and have the balls to ask Shawn if it was a dig or what he really meant. There could be no answers as he'd never find the courage to ask what the real intention was. Trust. The word that had been his crutch and his crown of thorns every day for months. Instead he settled for drifting off to sleep believing that it was an innocent comment. Every hour in the night he'd be woken by a recurring dream that Shawn became more lucid in each time it restarted and every time he'd go back to sleep chastising himself for further misunderstandings.
~~x~~
Across town Shawn was struggling to sleep too, his bags packed by the nurses and ready to go in the morning, his latest failed attempt at standing still stinging what was left of his pride. His prayers had been silent and sincere as always but featuring a request for strength he didn't think he had any more. The footprints story had always been on of his favourites, one that seemed relevant to the way he'd been saved and in the dead of that night it was the one he wished would come true.
Reaching for his bible from the cabinet he flicked through a few pages but found nothing much that was reassuring him that faith alone would be enough to get him through. The closest he got was an often visited verse about trials and perseverance. It seemed more relevant and closer to his situation. Shawn put the bible back down and closed his eyes at one last futile attempt at sleeping. All he wanted was to go to sleep and wake up feeling better. One wry smile crossed his lips as his abiding thought was that he'd need to show the patience his mother had always said he lacked. It was just a shame that it'd turned out it wasn't just her he'd have to prove wrong.
A/N: So, yet again this was much tougher to write emotionally than I gave it credit for. I hope it was worth the write and worth the wait to read it. And just to mention that I'm doing Nanowrimo in November, I really want to get this story finished but I might have to leave it till early December before I do. Thank you all so very much for sticking with me through this, it's been a rollercoaster and I'll be super glad for a number of reasons when it's done.