Dark Temptation

Massive apologies for the delay in posting, but life got in the way. Also, I have not been super satisfied with this chapter and was struggling with how to fix it. In the end, I decided to run it by the Merry to my Christmas, the illustrious Leelan Oleander who said that I was getting worked up over nothing and that the chapter was ok. So if you don't like it, it's all her fault.

A little recap will remind you that we last left Bella in the grocery store with Seth picking up breakfast ingredients, and we left Jasper and Peter on their way to a Canadian jail cell after the Midget-Ewok fiasco.

This story is rated M for language, adult themes, and some smexin'.

Disclaimer: I wanted to say something witty about how I don't own twilight… but then I realised, who reads this shit anyway?

Dark Temptation

Chapter 9

BPOV

I clicked my phone shut and slid it back into my pocket as I stood beside the meat counter in Forks' only grocery store, staring off into space. I knew that I looked more than a little bit crazy, my mouth flapping open and closed like a fish as I struggled to make sense of the clusterfuck that was just dropped on my head.

"I… he… oh, motherfuck me," I muttered under my breath.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is all just way too fucking screwed up. I looked over at Seth with an expression of abject horror painted across my face. Traitorous little shit that my brother was, he was too busy cracking up at the thought of the big, bad vampire freaking out about a midget stripper dressed as an Ewok to offer me any sympathy.

"Prick!" I hissed at him.

He turned to look at me and started laughing even harder at the expression on my face.

"C'mon, B, you gotta admit that's pretty fuckin' funny!"

I struggled to keep a stern expression on my face, but I finally broke and joined in the laughter.

"I mean, a fucking Ewok? Why the fuck would anyone dress up like that and think it's sexy? I mean, maybe it would appeal to those people who like to have sex while wearing giant animal costumes, but at a strip club? Canadians are fuckin' weird," Seth continued, but then we both stopped laughing as our faces screwed up in disgust at the mental image.

"Ewwww, Seth, now I'm picturing Deputy Mark dressed up like a giant kangaroo with a suspiciously placed marsupial pouch." I shuddered at the idea and wondered why I had thought of Deputy Mark for that disturbing scenario.

"Hur, hur, wanna be my joey?" Seth responded and then we looked at each other and resumed our hysterical laughing.

"Fuck, I hate being a visual person sometimes. The details, oh god, I can picture the details." I cringed and we both shuddered again. I knew that Seth was a very visual person as well, which could serve as both a blessing and a curse. Especially the latter in light of our vivid mental imagery of Deputy Mark and… oh ew.

"Bella? Bella Swan? Oh my god is that you?" A shrill nasally voice rang out from behind us, completely deflating our little bubble of levity and bringing us crashing back to reality.

I met Seth's eyes and he shrugged apologetically as he backed away from me, turning around and pretending to be absorbed in the display of oranges. I wasn't fooled though, I knew he would be listening to the whole encounter, he just didn't want to get sucked into what was sure to be a vapid and painful conversation.

"Ohmigod! Laura, was it? Hi!" I chirped at her as I plastered on an overly cheerful and fake grin. Turning to face her, I nearly snorted aloud as I caught sight of the worst boob job I've ever seen. Her nipples, which could be seen through her barely there halter top, were not merely pointing away from each other, it was as if they were trying to escape each other. One was pointing up and to the left, while the other was clearly at least three inches lower, and pointing down. It was hideous, but I couldn't stop looking at them. It was like she put balloons under her shirt; it was a train wreck and I just couldn't look away.

"Lauren actually, Lauren Skizowskii, née Mallory," she sneered at me.

She was clearly trying her hardest to impress me, but really who introduces themselves that way? I didn't think people actually said née, I've only ever seen it used in obituaries, hmm there's a thought. I smiled at Lauren, trying to convey with my facial expression that I was genuinely interested in her life, while internally I was wondering how they stretched her skin to go from her barely-a-B-cup in high school to covering what could only be described as a double M for mammoth mammaries, or mutilated monsters.

Do they do skin grafts when they do a breast augmentation that large? I got sucked into a WTF-hole pondering the physics of tits that large and perky. Was helium involved?

An impatient huff from Lauren snapped me back to reality and I smiled at her with that same sickeningly fake cheer.

"Sorry, I just noticed that you've had some work done; they're, er, wow!" I cleared my throat and continued, "So you got married, congratulations!"

I nearly choked trying to contain my laughter when she grabbed her tits and made as if she was jiggling them. I found myself simultaneously amused and disturbed by the fact that they moved barely a quarter of an inch. Definitely made of stone, not helium.

"Yes, aren't they nice? My husband got them for me as a wedding gift. He's a plastic surgeon, you've probably heard of him, Dr. Skizowskii?" she bragged at me, apparently proud of her monstrosities. Forget sweater puppies, those things were like sweater Dobermans on steroids!

Dr. Skizowskii, the name rang a bell. Oh! Dr. Skeez, he's one of the most infamous plastic surgeons on the west coast, and considering that included California, that was really saying something. He was currently under investigation for a number of things including allegedly videotaping himself titty-fucking a number of his patients while they were still under anaesthetic during post-op. Allegedly, one of his patients had contracted gonorrhea from him when he ejaculated all over her incision site post-vaginaplasty. There were also numerous complains of him 'enhancing' his patients far beyond their requests. Apparently he has a thing for freakishly large titties, which clearly explains Lauren's 'situation'.

"Oh yes, well congratulations! It seems as if you're doing very well for yourself. He has quite the reputation," I deadpanned, assuming correctly, that she would completely ignore the backhandedness of the compliment. She was too busy flashing her ring right in front of my face. It looked like her hand was having a seizure.

Her ring was a monstrosity, and the fact that it was genuinely hideous was the only genuine thing about it. It had a very large and very obviously fake diamond. The face of the stone was nearly a third of an inch in diameter, and I was wondering how much it damage I would inflict if I grabbed her hand out of my face and used it to make her bitch slap herself.

"So, what have you been doing with yourself? You disappeared so suddenly after you had been hospitalized. Rumour was that you had been institutionalised, but of course, I told everyone that was bullshit because there was no way your father could have afforded to have you sent to a mental institution. I mean, police officers don't really make much money, do they?" Lauren was simpering at me, I think she was trying to be sympathetic, but she just sort of came across as 'bitch'.

I gritted my teeth and smiled at her. I have never, ever, had to struggle so hard in my life not to punch a bitch in the face. At the same time, I was struggling not to get sucked into the memories of the months I spent in the hospital. It was a time in my life I would just as soon forget, but everywhere in Forks I turned there were reminders of one of the worst things that ever happened to me.

When Jacob and the boys had rushed me to the hospital, I was delirious. My body had endured so much trauma and I had lost so much blood that apparently I had been babbling on about red-headed bitches, stupid sparkly eunuchs and hairy wolf balls, much to the Pack's amusement. Amidst the chaos of my arrival, the emergency staff had written off my rambling as a side-effect of the closed-head trauma I had sustained, but when I had 'recovered my faculties' (their words, not mine) I was questioned in detail and was forced to feign ignorance and memory loss. I knew that my ranting had fuelled at least some of the rumours circulating around town about the cause of my injuries.

When I had arrived in hospital, they had initially transported me to Seattle, but after a week they had me moved back to Forks General Hospital, amidst unwelcome mutterings of "Dr. Cullen would know how to treat this" from the staff. I spent three months in a hospital bed, rendered practically immobile from a combination of heavy casts and a fear of ripping out all my stitches, not to mention the excruciating pain I was in.

There was never really an official story circulated to explain why I had been found on the shore of First Beach, nearly dead, but I'm sure the small-town gossip mill had drawn its own conclusions, none of which I had stuck around to hear. The hospital records suggested an ill-advised and unsupervised swim during inclement weather had been the root source of my injuries, but that didn't explain the claw marks that stretched down one side of my body, or the giant wounds on my side and back that could only be described as giant bite marks. Of course, there was nothing in Clallam County that could leave marks like that, so it was written off as the impact of a peculiar arrangement of rocks.

I forced myself to focus back on the matter at hand; this was one of the fun parts about running into bitches from high school like Lauren. I wracked my brain for a good story, knowing that anything I told Lauren would be known by the whole town in a matter of hours. I amped up my smile until I thought my face would split in two as I fabricated a story for her, thinking it was a good thing I've learned how to lie better in the last few years.

"Oh, well after everything, I ended up in Los Angeles for a change of scenery, you know, small town life can be so dull. Anyway, that's where I met Crystal, she's a yoga instructor for Hollywood celebrities. We've been married for two years now, and we just adopted a little Chinese girl, Ling-Ling. Asian babies are so stylish these days, you know. We considered adopting an African or Indian girl, but their hair is just so unmanageable you know." I grinned at her before I continued in a conspiratorial whisper, "Plus, African babies are SO Madonna, how last year, right?" I looked at Lauren expectantly, as if she absolutely should have an opinion about the ridiculous crap I was spouting. I smiled sweetly as I tried to pretend that I would cherish any wisdom she could impart on me.

Lauren sputtered for a moment, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. "I, yes, well, isn't that just lovely?" she recovered with a slight sneer. I had definitely knocked her off balance and I could tell she was frustrated by it. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she tried to figure out a way to save face and come out feeling superior about our encounter.

She chanced a glance down at my hand and grinned in triumph, seeing the understated but elegant setting of ruby and diamonds nested in a white gold band

"Oh, what an adorable little ring you have there. I considered asking Larry, that's my husband, to put some sapphires on my ring, but really I think simplicity and class are the best way to go."

I glanced down at her hand where her garishly huge fake diamond was caught in the polyester of her skirt and was slowly tearing at the fabric. Wow, she sure has a fucked up idea of what constitutes class.

"Oh absolutely, Lauren, I wouldn't have wanted some big monstrosity of a ring, so when Crystal proposed to me, I told her we absolutely HAD to have Whitlock diamonds. My wife and I are very close with the owner, you know." I giggled internally as I thought of just how close to the owner I was. Lauren gasped at began to turn a disconcerting shade of green with envy.

Whitlock diamonds were extremely rare and extremely expensive, well, unless your husband owns the company. Peter and Charlotte had learned a few decades back about the struggles that occurred around the world that were fuelled by the diamond industry and were simply appalled at the concept of blood diamonds. They decided to start their own diamond extraction and distribution empire, which sourced diamonds using ethically and politically neutral or beneficial policies as well as making strides towards curtailing the environmental impacts of the mining process. As a result of their focus on quality and socially responsible production over higher yielding processes, Whitlock diamonds have a reputation for extremely high quality and consequently an extremely high price tag. Of course, due to the meticulous standards their products had to meet for commercial resale, production levels were low and Whitlock diamonds had become somewhat of an elusive luxury.

I doubted that Lauren had ever seen a Whitlock diamond in person before, and I could see that she was simply sick with jealousy that 'poor little Bella Swan' had something she never would. Aside from class and dignity, that is. It's not that I cared about the status symbol that my ring would represent to people like Lauren, but I must admit it was nice to put her in her place for once.

"So, do you keep in touch with Edward Cullen? I heard that he and his sister, the one with the weird spiky hair, were in town recently and asking after you. I can't imagine why he even dated you in the first place." Lauren flicked her hair haughtily, as if my former relationship with Doucheward was some sort of personal insult to her, which I suppose it was considering how many times she had thrown herself at him.

Suddenly inspired, I giggled and leaned over to conspiratorially whisper in Lauren's ear, just loud enough that Seth could pick it up as well.

"You know, when his family moved away, he told me that I wasn't what he wanted, that he was tired of pretending to be something he was not." Lauren began to smile as I weaved my tale and she seemed to expect that the next words out of my mouth would be a confession of his undying love for her. She was in for quite a shock and I found myself even more eager to continue my story for her.

"It turns out that I was just his beard, you know, his cover so that no one found out he was gay? I, of course, was devastated, as you'll remember. Rumour has it that he tried to make a career in gay porn when his family moved to L.A., but a friend of mine told me that they told him that his dick was too small for porn, poor guy." I mock sympathised, inwardly laughing and wishing I could see Edward's face when he next returned to Forks and heard the fuckery that I was spreading.

Lauren gasped in horror as Seth burst out into laughter.

"Well, Whoren, I must be going, do take care of yourself. Oh! If you do see Edward again, tell him that he should try auditioning for tranny porn. I've heard they have less strict standards on size, and he always ways pretty enough to be a girl." I grinned widely and waved regally as I hooked my other arm through Seth's and dragged him away while he practically convulsed with his fits of laughter.

"Thanks for saving me back there you little piece of turd," I hissed at Seth as I whirled around the store picking up eggs, cheese, milk, bacon and some fresh fruits for breakfast.

"I swear to Gord, Seth, you are such a little piece of shit and if you don't stop laughing I'm not making you breakfast." We soon found ourselves standing in the checkout line while I tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for Seth to calm down. Normally, I would find this whole situation a lot more amusing, and oh, it was fucking hilarious, but right now it was all too much at once, and I had only had one cup of coffee this morning.

~O-o~

I pulled into Charlie and Sue's driveway and was mildly surprised to see Charlie standing on the front patio, arms crossed over his chest and moustache twitching away angrily. Oh shit.

"Where have you been, young missy?" Charlie growled out at me, I really hope he's upset about me drinking so much last night. Please be upset about me drinking, please don't let the rumour mill be THAT efficient.

"Grocery store?" I squeaked out as Seth and I started pulling bags out of the back seat.

"Run into anyone there?" Charlie's eyes narrowed at me as his moustache began twitching even more furiously. I knew that he wasn't fond of my crazy stories, but what the fuck was I supposed to tell people. I suppose it was unfair that he had to deal with the backlash, but if I told people the truth I would be committed, or worse.

"Umm…. No?" I looked to Seth for some help, but once again the traitorous bastard was making a retreat. His shoulders were shaking with barely suppress laughter as he made his way into the house with his arms full of groceries. "Seth, you traitor! Help me out here!"

"No, no, little girl. I believe this is between, you, me and my new grand-daughter, Ling-Ling?"

I gulped nervously and shuffled my feet in the dirt, suddenly very interested in the evenness of the gravel on the driveway.

"Ummm… I can explain, really, Charlie." I took a deep breath to steady myself and opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say anything, Charlie was doubled over on the porch with his hands on his knees, tears streaming down his face.

"Charlie?"

His twitching moustache finally resolved itself into a broad grin as his laughter rang out across the yard. "Seriously, Bella, I don't know where you come up with this shit, but you could warn a guy first. Deputy Mark called to congratulate me on my new granddaughter, and to ask why I wasn't shouting the news from the rooftops. I was completely blind-sided and almost blew your story before explaining that we wanted to keep things quiet until the adoption was finalised."

Charlie was shaking his head as he reached out and wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me into the house.

"Speaking of unexpected surprises, there is a message on the answering machine, from the police, in Canada. It seems your husband just can't keep himself out of trouble." Charlie laughed as he hit play on the machine and we listened to the bewildered cop explaining that there had been an incident with a midget, and could I please come get my husband and his brother. Great.

At least Charlie has a sense of humour about these things, though I'm not sure he would be so forgiving if he and Peter hadn't become such good buddies, or if he knew that Peter's supposed brother was a Cullen.

For the record, this is not what I meant to write for this chapter, but I was working on it on an airplane and there was this Imam or something sitting next to me who kept telling me how good it was for women to practice the creative arts. So, yeah maybe I found that super condescending and decided to make this a bit more ridiculous than it had to be, much like Lauren Mallory's tits. The whole weird thing about the diamonds was sparked by a conversation I had with a good friend recently. Her ex-boyfriend refused to buy diamonds because he was really upset by the thought of conflict diamonds, and I can't blame him (even if she did... can't blame a girl for liking her sparkly), so I thought it would be interesting if the Whitlocks had an opinion on it as well. Lame? Let me know.

No google list for this chapter, because I freestyled it, but I will give you some insight into my musical inspiration for this chapter: Lily Allen - It's Not You It's Me; Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More; and some kickass cover songs including U2 performing Beat On The Brat (with a baseball bat) - best U2 song ever and they didn't write it. Why doesn't that surprise me. Also, Highway 61 Revisted performed by Cat Power and a LOT of Bob Marley.

And now for some recs for this chapter is The Quiet Room by gimmesomevamp, it's an epically twisted, dark and hilarious Bella/Jasper fic that is almost completed - she only has the epi left to post. So check it out, you will laugh, you will cry, you will go "Peter, what the fuck?"

And, have you ever wanted to read Elvisward? I didn't know that I did, but there's an Elvisward fic out there and it's kinda awesome and kinda well written. It's called Hunk O' Burnin' Love and it's by AS Presley, a collab effort between Robicorn and my ficsis MzBionic.

This story is also available on twiwrite (dot) net and Fresh Squeezed Lemons