Chapter Forty- One

Max didn't want this. He thought he did. He thought that he wanted this no matter what he had to do to get it but looking at Amber reading a magazine on the beach lounger, he knew that he was wrong. It had been seven weeks since the accident. Sure, her bones were healed and she had sworn up and down the wall to everyone who asked her that she was fine but he could tell, every time he looked into her eyes, that a piece of her was dead without him.

"You wanna go snorkling?" Amber asked, putting her magazine down.

Max shrugged. "We could."

Him and Amber had come to the Barbados after the Pens got kicked out in the first round of the playoffs. Max hadn't really been surprised after all the team had been through that they weren't able to concentrate on hockey but the first round? That was a slap in the face after the season they had had. Now he knew how the Caps felt last year. Sid hadn't even gotten one goal in the six games they played. The coach even tried to help by making him a healthy scratch for game three, thinking that he could get Sid's mind focused but it didn't help. At least, the media and fans knew the reasons for Sid's lack of production and for the most part were respectful... for the most part. There were some pretty nasty things said about him in some of the papers and hockey blogs. At least they didn't know the truth about how the situation had unfolded, then the media would have torn him apart.

Amber had gone back to Montreal as soon as she was medically cleared to and Max joined her as soon as he could. Amber had been instructed to take it easy and try not to think about it too much but her parents hadn't exactly given her an easy time when she got home, with the 'I told you so's' and 'you should have known better's'. By the time Max got home, she looked like she was about to hang herself. Just to make things worse, the Canadiens had made it to the second round of the playoffs again, so there was too much hockey talk in his community for him to handle. The Barbados seemed like the only viable solution, so they packed their bags and took off.

"I could probably go for a nap…" Amber admitted.

"Whatever you want," Max reached out and squeezed her hand.

Amber got up and headed inside their private villa. Max watched her walk inside and then leaned back in his chair, looking out across the ocean. He should have known when he brought her here that things weren't going to work out the way he wanted them to. In his perfect world, Amber would have fallen back into his arms and forgotten that any of this had even happened. She would forget the name Sidney Crosby and forget her time in Pittsburgh. Everything would be the way it was supposed to be. She would be his and he would be hers and everyone would live happily ever after. But it became all to clear to him that that would never happen. Every time she looked in the mirror, she would have to think about him. Although the bruises and wounds had healed, she had a nasty scar under her left eye. Max had promised that he would hire the best plastic surgeon to get rid of it but she had refused to talk to any more doctors for the time being. The psychologist at the hospital had told him that she was clinging to the physical pain, so she didn't have to deal with the emotional pain. He was told that he would have to be supportive and give her time to deal with her loss. He was told not to put any pressure on her to move forward but don't let her dwell too long – whatever the fuck that meant.

He had made a commitment to her parents to take care of her, to make their daughter whole again. They trusted him. 'They probably wouldn't be so trusting if they knew it was actually my fault,' Max thought to himself. No matter how much he loved her, the guilt was becoming too much for him. It was painfully obvious that she was still in love with him and from the looks of it probably always would be. Max worked desperately to push those thoughts aside, convincing himself that Sid had actually determined the outcome of this situation. He was the one that had left, not Max. Sid could have salvaged the situation if he wanted to. He chose to leave Amber with Max. He clearly didn't love her as much as he told her… or at least that was what Max was telling himself.

He looked over at the window to his left, directly into Amber's room. He watched as she pulled a pair of sweat pants up over her bathing suit and then climbed in between the sheets of her bed. His heart ached as he watched a single tear roll down her cheek, like it had done so many times since they had gotten to the island.

Max stood up and walked inside, opening the door to her room. He crossed the room in a couple steps and climbed into bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling himself closer. It was like his touch set off another round of sobs, as she let out the emotions that she had been bottling up. It didn't seem to take long for the bottle to get full these days, as every time Max seemed to look over at her she was crying again. She would try and hide it from him but it was painfully obvious.

"Shhh… it's okay. It will all be alright…" Max whispered into her ear.

"I just want to feel good again…" She sobbed.

Max gently brushed the hair off of her neck and smoothed it down the side of her head. He gazed down at her and had to choke back tears of his own. He wanted to comfort her, to make her feel good. He lowered his head to hers and gently kissed the side of her head. "You will… soon… it will take time…" He stated softly.

Amber rolled to face him, staring up at him with sad Bambi eyes. "When Max?"

He stared down into her eyes and shrugged. He watched as another tear slid out of the corner of her eye and down her head into her hair. He reached up to softly brush away the trail. He lowered his lips to his her head again, softly brushing the surface of her smooth skin along her temple. He lingered against her skin, brushing his lips lightly across the surface, then kissed her face again. And again. And again. He continued kissing down the side of her face, past her ear to her jaw bone. He felt her tip her head back slightly, as he made a path of soft kisses up her jaw to her chin until he came to her lips. He took them with his mouth, slowly at first but the taste of her and the warmth of her breath was too much and the urgency grew within him. He shifted his leg over top of hers and pulled her in closer to him, while parting her lips with his tongue. She felt so good beneath him, as the memories of their relationship came flooding back to him. All the nights, that he had spent with her in his arms, planning their future, planning their life. Maybe his plan was working after all and he was pretty sure he wasn't imagining it - she was kissing him back. He could feel her hands on his chest, moving up over his shoulders and over the back of his neck till they tangled in his hair. He could feel her pulling him down towards her, grasping at him like she needed him to survive. He had waited so long for this moment and worked so hard to have her here…so hard... if she knew what he had done...

A wave of guilt rushed over his body, making him feel sick to his stomach. He pushed away from Amber, trying to get the nauseous feeling to go away.

"What's the matter?" she asked him breathlessly.

Max shook his head violently, trying to clear the bad thoughts away. He could do this. He wanted this more then anything. He turned his head back to her, leaning back in to kiss her and another wave hit him, causing him to jump up from the bed and run for the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before throwing up his lunch.

"Max? Are you okay?" Amber called from the bedroom.

Max just stared at the ceiling. "Yeah, I'm fine… I just… I'll be right there…" He called back. He stood up and moved to the sink, throwing some water on his face and rinsing his mouth out. He looked at himself in the mirror. 'You know she doesn't want you,' the image of himself looking back at him seemed to say. 'She is only here because you ruined her life. You need to fix this.'

Max walked back into the bedroom and leaned against the door frame. Amber was sitting on the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She looked up at him and bit her bottom lip.

"God you're beautiful and … and I will always love you… but we can't do this…you don't want me and I can't keep trying to convince myself that you do," Max stated. Amber nodded her head slowly in agreement. "You should pack your bags, there is somewhere you need to be…"

"He doesn't want me…" Amber reminded him, looking down at her feet, as if she could read his mind.

"He does… He just thought he was protecting you…" Max shook his head. "But he should be protecting you from me…"

"What does that mean?" Amber asked him.

"Nothing… never mind," Max said not able to tell her the whole truth. That was going to be something between him and the confessional. "You and Sid… that's the real deal Amber…"

Amber just shook her head.

"You need to trust me here. I can tell that you still love him… and that kills me but I need to make it right. I know I haven't exactly made it easy for you but the universe won't be right until you two are back together… so let's go…"

Max walked over to the closet and pulled out her suitcase. Amber watched as he began pulling stuff out of her drawers and dumping them into the suitcase haphazardly.

"I guess this means our vacation is over?"