-Silent Hill...? :o

Disclaimer: I do now own Final Fantasy IX (and I might as well add Kingdom Hearts and the boss in Trauma Center), if I did, then Final Fantasy IX would so make a great anime OVA thing...Probably an OVA on Kuja? (And if I owned KH, well, I'd be stinkin' rich and Stiles wouldn't exactly end up with Angie...yet.)

I could hear Kuja cough dryly as I stood outside the room, listening to him. It pained me to hear him everyday like this. I don't know how many times I'm going to make such petty reasons to convince myself that I wasn't sensitive myself. I sighed softly. I thought I changed Kuja, but apparently, Kuja was the one who changed himself, and not just him.

I put my head next to the door, almost fading into my own world where Kuja was accepted by everyone in Gaia and he was lively like always, with not just Dagger, but everyone else. Oh gods, Dagger. I shut my eyes like the world around me was too painful to look at. What was I going to do? Kuja's already in a stage wherein he could slip away from the world at any minute. No, second. I didn't want to not be here when he needs me most. I don't want to abandon him. And I had a feeling Dagger was getting the wrong thoughts. Both those things troubled me.

"Zi...dane...?" I heard Kuja's weak and dry voice. I reopened my eyes and stared at the wood. Something was keeping me silent. I didn't know what, but something was. I sighed softly again, shifting to my other foot and balancing the glass of water he had on his tray. "Zid...ane...?" He called again.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you just—standing outside...?" He said, in between dry coughs. I didn't want to listen to him because his voice kept shoving the other upbeat voice he had not too long ago out of my head. I didn't want the last thing I have to remember of his voice was this, I admit, very ugly one that sounded dry. I snapped back from my thoughts; I couldn't just stand around. I opened the door slowly and managed a smile when my head—or half—was visible to him.

"It's nothing."

He gave the brightest smile of appreciation he could give me, which wasn't so bright. I set down the tray on the bedside table and sat on the floor. Lately, I've been sitting on the floor more than the chairs, beds or even tables. My backside always found it more comfortable there, and I had no idea why.

Kuja tapped my head, like I was staring at the floor way too long. I looked up and managed a sheepish smile. I couldn't stay happy around him, so all my smiles seemed...forceful. He could only give a frown and a soft sigh. "There is much...I have to tell you."

I tilted my head slightly and thought it better I sat on the floor. I rested my head on Kuja's bed and stared up at him, like a little puppy asking for a treat. Only I'm asking for what he's been keeping from me. Yes, I haven't forgotten because I always tried to get it out of him, but it never worked. I waited patiently, not showing any sign of me about to snap at how he took so long.

"Garland...when he manufactured me and found out that I...was a failure..." Ha paused, looking for a better way to explain things, perhaps. Either way, I never liked it when he said he was considered a failure. I didn't shoot back, I just kept silent because I knew that if I did, Kuja wouldn't tell me anything more. He continued. "...how to say...he implanted a virus in me that...does something, but I'm not sure in particular. It...kills me slowly, but faster than humans." He said, looking away. I only froze.

"Kuja...seriously?"

He nodded. "But that's not all. You were built to..." He trailed, looking as if he didn't want to continue, but he forced himself. "...you were built to last forever. You were meant to be by Garland's side forever. Or at least for as long as the Terrans live. You have an immortal life, and you won't age. That's why your heart has a virus as well. But, it doesn't kill you, of course. It keeps you"—He coughed—"it keeps you looking the same. Forever." He had a bit of a grim look on his face.

I stayed silent.

"I'm sorry, Zidane." He said, like he was guilty for putting the virus in me and building me to last forever. I found myself standing by then. "I wanted to keep it from you, but I knew better." Kuja sighed

"I...it's okay." I managed, like everything else I did. "It's not your fault..." I said, sitting down on my bed. Kuja looked at me with a worried gaze, making me shake my head insisting it was fine, and me going on forever wasn't going to make me have a different view of life...a negative view of life.

"Can I die in battle?"

"Unless your body works slow enough, no..." He said quietly. It would be inaudible if the room wasn't dead silent, and the only thing I could hear was our breathing and Kuja's coughs he tried to muffle on his own. "If I could live forever like you, maybe things wouldn't be so..." he trailed. I only nodded. He was right, in a way. If we both had lifespans that would last forever, at least it would be easier; seeing the ones you love slowly die, knowing you might not be with them is quite painful, I'm pretty sure.

I smiled a little. "Kuja? I think your soup's getting cold..." I said as a little, feeble attempt to change the subject, the smile on my face threatening to fade. It really was hard to smile when you wanted to kill yourself so badly.

"Zidane, deary?"

My eyes snapped open, looking at the doorway. I was on my bed, lying down and facing the ceiling, or at least I thought I was until I realized my eyes were shut. I sat up, to acknowledge Ruby's presence in the room. I gave a blank stare.

"Huh?" Was all I managed, the blood rushing from my head, my eyes not seeing much and my head feeling heavy. I continued. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing deary. Baku just—uh...I mean, Baku just wanted me to tell you to, uh, stay...safe...!" She gave a grin any member of Tantalus knew was fake. I gave her a bit of a skeptical look and stood up, walking closer. I arched a brow, giving a questioning look in my eyes. I didn't ask a question though.

"You're hiding something." I said, stopping a few feet away. She gave another fake look; a clueless one. The frown I had only became deeper.

"I sure darn ain't hidin' anythin' darlin'!" She said. Whatever she's hiding, Baku must have told her to keep it from me. I got a bit ticked off. Why would Baku hide something from me, right? But my birthday was near. Then again, in the past sixteen years of my life, I haven't gotten a birthday present or anything. I was 'born' on September something, I guess it's pretty much the same day Baku found me. Baku says it was September three, but I'm not so sure.

I just sighed, Baku would probably not want me to know anyway, and if he finds out that I know it, if ever, he might beat me up. Knowing this too well, I decided to not make such a fuss about it. I sighed and looked at Kuja, who was sleeping soundly, then back at Ruby, then back at Kuja. Ruby looked at him the same way I did.

"He doesn't have much longer, does he?" I muttered, just loud enough for her to hear.

"I don't think so." Ruby sighed. "I wish he could live longer. You look like you really need him, Zidane..." she said, her voice trailing. She suddenly lost her accent. Last time she did that, she was worried sick for someone we all didn't know, but knew she was close with him or her. She kept losing her accent. It was like her accent was there just for kicks.

She looked at me with a worried expression before she left in a hurry. It was like she was more worried about me than Kuja. I only watched her leave the room, my mind wondering why. But I shook my head and went back to my own bed.

Her look seemed to bother me a little, but I decided to just shrug it off.

"Brother..."

My eyes snapped open. It was Kuja again. I was still half asleep, but I got up anyway, walking towards his bed. I put a hand to his shoulder and called to him softly. "Yes, Kuja? Is there something you need?" I said, a fake smile on my face, but he knew was fake.

"I...I'm sorry." He coughed dryly. "I still feel like I haven't been a good brother to you...I...haven't." He said, his voice threatening to be silenced. I shook my head and put both my hands on his shoulders as he faced me, looking extremely tired.

"No. You've been the best big brother I could have. Or at least, have never experienced having. Until now." I smiled, remembering those times. "Don't say that. We both know that's not true. Everything I think you're thinking isn't true; that you haven't been a good brother and that you haven't repented enough...Kuja, it's enough." I shook him a little, hoping somehow, it helped to get my words through his thick head. He only shook it, like I was missing a crucial fact.

"What...did Garland tell you?"

The moment he said his name, I hesitated. Garland hasn't spoken to me in a long time, thank the gods, but why does Kuja want to know? I skipped that question and told him anyway. "Like I said. He told me believing a lie isn't gonna get me anywhere and...oh yeah. He thinks of me as his son." I shook my head. "I don't believe that last part."

"He does, if he wanted to tell you that..." Kuja said softly. The ever so silent room made it audible, like everything else he told me.

"What are you talking about? If that was Garland, he isn't doing such a good job on being a father. Why would he want his own son to make his friends suffer, knowing I'm going to suffer as well? That's not being fatherly Kuja."

"He wasn't...talking about that..."

I fell silent. "Kuja...what do you mean?" And just then, his image started to flicker, like a light. My eyes widened in surprise. Was this some last magic trick Kuja cooked up just to scare me? Because it was one sick and twisted joke. He had a peaceful look on his face, but it also held a grim expression. That made me have second thoughts about him pulling off some prank.

"Kuja...why are you...?" I paused, staring at him with a slight look of horror—or surprise—and a look that showed I was clueless. I really was. "Why are you...flickering? Hell, why are you fading? People don't fade when they die...they..." I trailed. "If this is some joke, stop it, Kuja."

"It's not." He sighed, his normal voice returning, leaving me quite baffled. "I'm...not real." He looked away from me without turning his head. I just gave a small hint of laughter, like he was being silly.

"What? Kuja, that's the worst joke you ever pulled off. And it's sick because you actually made me fall for it." I said, a smile creeping up my face. He had to be joking. How can someone right in front of you say 'I'm not real' and expect you to believe it, right? "Of course you're real, see? I can touch you. Isn't that...real?"

He smiled sadly. "I wish it was..."

"Kuja..."

"What's he tellin' you, boy?" I jumped a little, turning around. It was Baku. He came in silently. I didn't know how, but he did. His words confused me. How could he not hear Kuja? His voice wasn't soft and dry, it was normal. Baku even said it himself—Kuja's voice was really loud.

"What are you saying? Can't you hear him?!" I walked closer. "He's saying...he's saying he isn't real and believes it. Boss, come on, help me?"

"Confabulation."

"...wha...what?" I asked, feeling tired. I seemed breathless. Baku merely stared at me and shifted his gaze to the bed and pointed, a real serious look on his face. I was kind of scared to look back, but being me, I didn't show that I was and slowly turned. Lo and behold. Kuja was gone.

"It's a state of mind wherein one confabulates. In other words, he cannot tell true memory from imagination. Originally, Confabulation only happens when the person is provoked, but in some cases, it happens as a chain reaction. Confabulation can also be caused by brain damage. There are two possibilities for you, Zidane. When you went in the Iifa Tree, you fell and hit your head too hard or you're suffering from 'complicated grief'. But in this case, it might be guilt, instead of grief." Baku finished. I was turned around so I couldn't see his face, but I felt that everyone else was there, to see how I was doing, maybe?

"Zidane, ya better now, darlin'?" Ruby asked, a little worried.

"Why didn't you tell me...sooner?" I asked, my voice shaky.

"Oh dear...don't cry..." Ruby said, which would have made Cinna, Marcus and Blank laugh their butts off, but they weren't laughing. They weren't.

"Ha...I'm not crying. I'll never cry...haha..." I said, feeling a grin crawl up my face. I lowered my head and reached for my daggers. I could only hear myself laugh softly, then it became louder, and louder, and louder. Until I was laughing like crazy and I had to throw my head back. I managed to say something I didn't want to say, but said anyway. "Nobody's crying Ruby...haha...nobody is..."

I turned around, giving them the most psychotic smile I could muster in that moment. And, I have to tell you, they looked terrified.

Almost pleased with myself—only I wasn't—I raised my dagger to my throat, it's blade pushing at my skin, threatening to cut my neck open. I only closed my eyes tight and stepped back, almost stumbling as I did, like I was tired from a week's worth of work in one day. I started feeling my cheeks going wet. I doubt I was crying from Kuja's death—but then again, I couldn't decipher myself now—I was crying from all the time I wasted in two places—namely the Prima Vista and the hideout, fantasizing about something that wasn't there.

And the two worst parts saved for last: I kept Dagger waiting too long and I learned to love, in a brotherly way, a figment of my imagination.

Just when I was about to suicide—there, I said it—my dagger was knocked out of my hand and Baku gripped my wrists, holding them tightly. I snapped my eyes open and glared at him. I struggled but his grip only tightened. I couldn't even feel the blood circulating in my hands anymore.

"Some of the things that happened were real, Zidane. It's just that everything Kuja told you have not. Everything Kuja did, everything Kuja said, everything Kuja gave you, everything you saw Kuja do, everything you saw interacting with Kuja; none of those things were real." Baku said, almost as if it would help.

"Just let me die. At least I'd be happier." I said, voice shaky. I continued to struggle but Baku kept his grip firm, if not tightened it.

"Zidane, you have to stop and rest, okay? You continuously woke yourself up to tend to 'Kuja'." Baku said, his eyes staring, almost into my soul. I stopped struggling and just stared back at him, not bothering to fix my position. I was leaning back, but Baku was strong enough to hold me up with ease. "Everyone else, get out." he told them, and of course, they went out. They just gave me what looked like a few concerned and apologetic looks.

After a moment of silence, I looked away and let everything sink in. Just like that, he let go of my wrists, making me fall on the floor. I didn't complain, and Baku didn't say anything either. He only stepped back and watched me.

After a moment. He spoke up, but I didn't bother looking at him, which normally gets on his nerves but he didn't say anything about it. "Feeling a bit better?"

"Somewhat."

"What's your plan, then?" I saw him cross his arms, then did I look at him

"You're right, I should rest...I don't want Dagger to see me so...wasted" I said softly, slowly looking down while the words rolled off my tongue. The idea of Dagger seeing me like this sent a shudder down my spine. I didn't like seeing her cry, and I was pretty sure she would if she saw me, like, right now.

Baku sighed. "Zidane..." he didn't know what to say because he just stopped himself. I understood why he doesn't know because I didn't know what to tell myself. All I could do was just stand up and show Baku that's I'd be fine. But as always, I wasn't really fine.

"I'll be okay." I said while standing up, still staring at the floor. My actions before Baku sort of calmed me down were true; I did want to kill myself. I mean, you can't blame me, because you don't know how you would react when the time arises, right? I kept staring at the floor. I felt Baku's gaze; a worried gaze. All I could describe people's looks towards me with was worry and pity. It made me sick.

I looked up at him. "Really, I'll be okay."

"Try to stay that way." He said, turning around and looking at me over the shoulder. "Don't let this get to you too much. You have things to do while you rest from everything. Set your mind straight an' everything. You know what I mean. One more thing," He gave a dramatic pause. "we didn't tell you to snap out of it because...we thought what you've been though"—he looked away from me and towards the door—"was too much, so we wanted to give you a break. Even if it was wrong. We figured, would you really have lived peacefully if we did tell you? We assumed telling you would be the same as you finding out for yourself, you know what I mean?"

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. There was just this little thing between me and Baku; it was like we knew each others movements without even looking. He nodded himself.

"Boss," I said, lowering my head to stare at the floor. I caught his attention. "'Kuja' told me that when he dropped me off from Terra, he was really happy that you were the one who found me. When he said that, I realized that I was happy too." I looked back up ta him. He wasn't facing me, but he was listening.

"Thanks...dad."

There was a heavy silence, but I could feel Baku smile a little to himself. I swear I could hear him sniffle a little. A smile of my own tugged at the corner of my mouth. I could feel we both knew we were smiling. Baku started walking away; out the door. I felt a warm draft against my back; something I hadn't noticed. I turned around and saw the window open, which I don't remember being open. It must be the confabulation-whatever thing Baku was saying. I must have missed the fact I—or someone—opened the window. My eyes lowered to the bed, and they widened as I recognized the shape of a couple of feathers tinted lavender on the bed.

I picked them up and stared at them, my skin crawling. It could have been a bird, but it didn't seem like it. I looked out the window.

"Kuja...?"