I started on this chapter right after I finished the last one, and I was kind of on a roll with it. lol But I must give out a warning for this particular chapter, it is very intense, and starts in on some very serious issues. It's just how it goes, so don't say I didn't warn you. Anyways, read on and please review.

Chapter 10

Nearly two weeks had passed since her mother had died, and Mitchie still felt a gaping hole in her chest. She wasn't sure if it was just because of the fact that she lost her mother, or because she now had no real family left. It was probably a little bit of both, she assumed. Either way, it wasn't easy, and it wasn't getting any easier for her as time went on. She still felt on the verge of being depressed. Unfortunately she was good at hiding it. When Shane got suspicious, she was always very good at distracting him. She wasn't sure if she wanted him to know that she was still having a tough time with her mom's death or not. He would be there for her, she knew, but she didn't want to be forced back into a therapists office or any shit like that. That only made it worse.

She had her moments, but she hadn't felt truly happy since her mom died, and she wished she could. She wanted to be happy with Shane, and the Gray's and just forget about her past. But nothing worked. Everything came back to haunt her no matter how hard she tried to force it away. The pain was torturous. But she couldn't tell anybody. Who knows what they would want her to do. Part of her brain knew that the Gray's would be able to come up with something that actually helped, but she didn't want to risk it becoming any worse. Her heart was in so much pain that anything else would just make her topple over the edge. She couldn't let that happen. She had to maintain some sort of control that she had been clinging to ever since she got to the Gray's.

But she was losing it fast. She was spiraling back into things that she used to do that she had promised herself she would never do again. It was too hard to hold onto herself though. Everything in her past was hitting her, and it would never stop. She was going to be stuck with it for the rest of her life no matter how much she tried to move past it. She wanted to tell somebody what she was feeling, what was going through her head. She wanted to tell Shane who had been worried about her. She could tell, it wasn't hard to notice. She could see it whenever she looked into his eyes. He never brought it up, and she knew it wasn't because he felt awkward about it. It was because he didn't want to push her. He wanted her to be able to open up to him like she had before. But she just couldn't get herself to do it. She felt so bad about it, but her pain and her grief were too much to put on his shoulders.

She had started cutting again. She didn't know when she decided to do that. It was when they Gray's had gone out to eat, and she had said that she didn't feel good and decided to stay home and rest. She had felt fine, and somehow she knew that they knew that, but they didn't push her. Part of her wished they had, then maybe now her wrists wouldn't have several new and fresh marks on them. But she couldn't blame that on them. Obviously she would have found another time to do it.

Now she had just been trying to hide the marks. Wearing bracelets and long sleeved shirts had always worked before, and thankfully she had an excuse to wear long sleeves seeing as it was early December and freezing outside. But she had to make sure that Shane didn't see them when they were alone and it was too warm in the house to wear a sweatshirt or sleeves. He hadn't caught on yet, but he knew something was wrong. He always did. She just had to make sure that he didn't find out. She had promised him she would never cut again, and the guilt made her already tortured heart ache even more at the thought of breaking a promise to him. The thought of hurting him in any way killed her. But it was the only thing that worked.

It was getting worse, too. She was starting to depend on it. She had never felt that way before. Even back in Baltimore when she did it, it was just to try and distract her from everything else in her life. Now it was almost like a lifeline, if she didn't hold onto it and keep doing it she was gonna lose everything. She knew that was a bad sign, that it was just going to get worse. But she couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop.

It was another night that the Gray's were going out to eat, and Mitchie once again made up an excuse as to why she didn't want to go. She was losing track of all the times she was doing that, and she knew it was going to start to make them even more suspicious. She had only been out with them a couple of times to try and keep up appearances, but now all her lies were feeling like they were piling up. Shane had given her an odd look that she couldn't decipher when she had fed them another excuse. He had leaned in to kiss her and then told her that he'd see her later, like he usually did, but he still had the strange look on his face. She didn't know what to make of it. But she didn't think too much of it, she had other things she had needed to do at the time. As long as he left she didn't have to worry about it. She'd make up something later, she knew. She had been able to talk herself out of worrying about it, that it would be pointless.

After she was sure their car had driven off, she dashed upstairs and holed herself up in her bathroom like she usually did and found the razor blade that she kept well hidden. She knew she had to make it a good hiding place, knowing she couldn't risk anybody else finding it. Good thing they had plenty of good hiding places, and the fact that most of the guys didn't like wandering into the girls bathroom, especially since it was just Mitchie's and she didn't have to share it with anybody. That made it a whole lot easier on her.

She made sure to shut and lock the bathroom door behind her, just in case. She could never be too sure. The last thing she wanted was to get caught, though she was fairly certain that it would at least be three hours before the Gray's came back. Plenty of time. Too much time. She pulled the blade out from her hiding place as she leaned against the counter, her back facing towards the mirror as she twiddled the object in her fingers. It always took her awhile to get started, the guilt of what she was doing eating away at her. But then everything would hit her full force to the point that she thought she might go insane if she didn't feel the pain across her skin.

She took a deep, shuddering breath before letting the blade tear across her flesh. She bit her lip as the pain seemed to transfer from her heart to the new cut on her wrist and she let out a shallow breath of relief. It was just for a moment, but it worked.

Another breath, and she lifted the blade yet again and tore another line across her wrist, but before she was finished, a loud knock made her jump, effectively make her cut herself deeper than she intended to. She gasped in pain and dropped the blade as she groped at her bleeding wrist.

"Mitchie, open the damn door!" Shane? What the hell was he doing? He wasn't supposed to be there! She saw him leave!

She stood, frozen in her spot, too shocked and stunned to move even as her wrist bled at a dangerous pace. She was busted, she was so busted. She jumped when another loud knock pounded against the door. "Mitchie!" Shane yelled again. She frantically searched for a towel so she could cover the deep wound in her wrist. She was crying now, and shaking uncontrollably. What was wrong with her? She slid down the counter until she reached the floor, trying very hard not to make any noise. She didn't know what to do about Shane, and she was just thankful that she had locked the door.

"God, damn it, Mitchie! Open the door!" He shouted desperately, and she could hear him rattling the door knob furiously and cursing when he realized it was locked. She wanted to unlock it, and let him in. Let him help her. But she couldn't. She just couldn't and she didn't know what was wrong with her.

It was silent for a moment, and she thought that maybe he just left. But then she heard the lock turning, and her heart nearly stopped. Shit, shit, shit, was the only word that was forming in her brain. Tears were still falling down her cheeks at an extreme pace and her hand was gripping tightly to the towel that was covering her wounded wrist.

The next thing she knew, the door swung open and she saw a frazzled Shane looking at her with wide eyes. She wondered what she looked like, and imagined it was not a good picture.

"Mitchie," He gasped, his eyes immediately filling with tears as the realization of what she was doing really hit him. It didn't take him long to rush over to her side, his hands immediately reaching to hold her face between them as he looked at her, scared and angry at the same time. "What the hell are you doing?" He demanded, tears finally beginning to fall down his cheeks, making Mitchie's heart shatter. He finally took notice of her wrist, and the towel that was nearly bled through, and his eyes widened even more. "Mitchie!" He gasped again, carefully grabbing her wrist so he could inspect. "Mitchie, we have to get you to a hospital."

"Shane-" She went to protest, but found her voice weak and not willing to cooperate.

"Shut up! Just shut up, Mitchie!" Shane shouted, trying to find something else in the bathroom to help stop the bleeding. He found another towel, and replaced it with the now ruined one. "Hold on to that, Mitchie, press down on it hard." He ordered, and she did as she was told, but found it hard to move let alone press down very hard. When he made sure she was doing that, he looked up into her eyes, and she couldn't decipher through all the emotions that were swimming through his teary eyes. "I'll be right back, okay?" She nodded and he stood and walked just outside of the bathroom. She could hear him on his phone, and knew immediately that he must be talking to Denise. Her heart sank. She wondered how much trouble she was going to be in. She knew she wasn't going to be able to get away with this.

A few minutes later, Shane came back and kneeled next to her, looking absolutely heartbroken. "Mom and dad are on their way back and we're taking you to the hospital." He told her firmly, which meant that she sure as hell better not argue with him. She was suddenly too tired to argue with him. She had an overwhelming urge to close her eyes and fall asleep, and never wake up again. "God, Mitchie, you're so pale." Shane whimpered, terrified. But when he noticed her eyes closing, he immediately spoke up, shaking her slightly. "No, Mitchie! You have to stay awake! Do you understand me? Keep your eyes open!" He ordered, and she could hear him holding back sobs. It wasn't registering with her how much she was hurting him at the moment. Nothing was registering with her at the moment. Everything was out of whack.

She was trying to keep her eyes open. For him. But she was just so tired, and her eyelids were getting heavier and heavier. She couldn't keep hurting him as much as she was, but how much more could she hurt him? But she couldn't keep trying not to anymore, it was getting too hard to keep her eyes open. She tried to focus on him, but he was fading, getting farther and farther away from her. Finally she just succumbed to it. She couldn't do it anymore.

"Mitchie? Mitchie, no! Open your eyes, baby. Please!" Shane sobbed, trying to shake her awake again. She could feel his hands on her face, gently shaking her, but now that they were closed, she wasn't so sure she could open her eyes back up. And the darkness was surrounding her. She flashed back to when she was lying on the street with three bullets in her. There wasn't as much pain this time, but the desire to give into the darkness was just as strong if not more so.

"Mitchie, please! I love you!" He sobbed desperately. "Do you hear me? I love you! Please, stay with me!" That was the last thing she heard before she drowned in the darkness.

When her eyes opened, it wasn't very bright, but it wasn't completely dark either. Everything was fuzzy and her head hurt like a bitch. She blinked a few times, ignoring the ache in her head before everything cleared up. She was in a hospital. That much was obvious. How long she had been there, she had no idea. She looked around the room, and found a clock on the wall. Two-thirty-four in the morning. Great. Now no one will be awake to tell her what the hell happened or how long she had been out of it. She glanced down at her wrists and frowned when she saw that they were bandaged up. She tried to remember all that had happened before she blacked out, but could only remember bits and pieces. She had been so out of it at the time, it wasn't surprising that things weren't coming very clearly. She knew that Shane had busted her. She wondered if he was mad at her. Or if he had even been here.

After a moment, she heard sniffling coming somewhere from her right. She glanced over and saw someone laying on the couch that doubled as a guest bed. Her eyes were still adjusting to the lighting, so she couldn't make out who it was. She could tell they were obviously crying, and once she finally looked long enough she could make out who it was, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to be happy or worried.

"Shane." She croaked quietly, but it was so silent in the room that he heard her. He shot up, nearly falling off the couch in the process before stumbling over to the edge of her hospital bed. When she got a good look at him, she frowned. He was a mess. His short hair was in absolute disarray, and it looked like he hadn't shaved in days. If he didn't look so sad and heartbroken he would have looked extremely hot.

"You're awake." His voice cracked, and before she could even comprehend what was happening, tears were falling from his eyes and he was sobbing. Her frown deepened and she used her hand to reach up to him, thankfully it was the one that wasn't hooked up to all the machines and shit. He noticed her hand going for him and he immediately grabbed it before sitting on the edge of her bed and holding tightly onto her hand. After his sobbing calmed down a little, he was finally able to speak through his tears. "God, Mitchie." He sniffled. "I wasn't sure if you were going to wake up." He whimpered. "The doctors weren't even sure. You lost so much blood, Mitch, they weren't sure they could do a transfusion in time." He let out a shallow breath, loosening his grip on her hand slightly before leaning down and kissing her fingers.

"What were you thinking, Mitch?" He asked after a moment. "How could you do this to yourself?" He sobbed a little bit again. "You promised me you wouldn't do it again, Mitchie." His voice was getting stronger, angrier. "You promised me!" He looked at her, and she could see the anger and the intense pain and torture in his eyes. "Why did you do it?" He whimpered, his face crumpling again as one of his hands traced over the bandage on her wrist.

She didn't say anything. Not sure she could. She couldn't fix this now. She had made things so bad for herself, and Shane. Nothing she could say would fix it. The damage was done. His hand left her wrist so he could stroke her cheek, trying to get any kind of contact with her that he could. Mitchie sighed softly and leaned into his warm touch.

"This has been the worst week of my life, Mitch." A week? Had it really been a week? She was just waking up now? What the hell?

"A week?" She forced the words out of her throat. How could it have possibly been that long?

"Apparently that deep cut hit something important." Shane muttered, trying to avoid details. "You lost a lot of blood."

"I'm sorry." She whispered, looking up at him with sad eyes.

He sighed, deeply and shakily before leaning down to kiss her, lingering, wanting every bit of contact he could get with her. After almost losing her, he wanted to cherish every second with her he could get. "Please don't ever do this to me again, Mitch. I don't think I could stand it. I don't wanna lose you." He whispered, his heart aching in protest at just the thought of never seeing Mitchie again.

She didn't say anything, instead just removed her hand from his and wrapped it around his neck, pulling him to her so she could sort of hug him. It was awkward considering she was still in a hospital bed and could only use one of her arms, but she figured that it was what both of them needed. She could feel Shane's tears as he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck.

She knew she couldn't hurt him anymore, because every tear the fell down his cheek hurt worse than a million blades to her wrist.

Mitchie was released from the hospital a few days later, after a couple more blood transfusions and plenty of fluids. Shane had stayed with her the whole time, after leaving for a couple hours after Mitchie had talked him into going home and getting a change of clothes and decent shower. He was reluctant to do so, but since he knew that Mitchie was okay, it was a little bit easier for him to leave. But he made sure that someone else was there with her, and it was usually Denise, who had been teary eyed and on the verge of hysterical when she saw that Mitchie was awake.

Mitchie was glad to be home though. She hated hospitals, but it had been easier being there when there was always someone with her. Jason and Dani had come to visit her and stayed a few hours. The only person she hadn't seen was Nate, but she couldn't say she was surprised. He probably didn't care less about what happened to her.

Before she could make a beeline up to her room as soon as they got home, Denise stopped her. "Mitchie..." Mitchie stopped and turned to face Denise curiously. "I think you should stay with Shane for a few nights." She suggested.

Okay...what?

"Huh?" Mitchie let out, shocked. Wasn't one of their rules that she couldn't stay with Shane?

Denise chuckled softly and shook her head. "I just don't think you should be alone for a little while, Mitchie."

Mitchie frowned. She should have seen that one coming, and she couldn't say she blamed Denise. It was just a little surprising.

Shane thought it was too, but he wasn't complaining about it. He agreed wholeheartedly about Mitchie not being by herself for the next little while, however long that might be. Until they trusted her enough not to hurt herself again. Mitchie honestly couldn't say she could figure out when that will be, unfortunately. Maybe being with Shane will help. Now that it was out in the open, she wouldn't have to bottle things up anymore. Maybe it would just be easier to open up to him. It definitely couldn't do anymore damage than she had already done, that was for sure. And Shane would listen. She knew he would. He always did.

That night, she was laying with Shane under his covers, her head in the crook of his neck and his arms wrapped protectively around her. It was late, but both of them were wide awake, they were just quiet. She knew he wanted to talk about everything that had happened, but could tell that he was reluctant to bring it up, whether it was because he didn't want to upset her, or he didn't want to upset himself, she wasn't sure. Finally, after several moments of somewhat comfortable silence, he spoke up.

"Mitch?" He asked quietly, as if afraid to break the silence that had surrounded them.

"Hmm?"

"You haven't told me why you started cutting again." His voice broke slightly, and she knew he was trying to stay in control of his emotions. To help, she placed a soft kiss against the skin of his neck, and she could feel him relax a bit as she did so. She knew she had to tell him though. Get everything out in the open so he could help and so he could know. She knew it was driving him crazy.

"Everything became too much." She whispered. She didn't have to speak very loud because her lips were right next to his ear. "After my mom died...Everything began building up. I was scared that I would never escape my past, that it would always keep me from being happy no matter what I did. I was hurting so much. I had lost the last connection I had to my family. I felt so alone." She stopped, taking a deep breath trying to ease the tightness in her chest. "I didn't want to tell you, because it hurt me so much, I didn't want to hurt you with all my issues. I know it was stupid, but that's how I felt. Everything just hit me all at once, and it seemed the only thing I could control was with the razor blade."

Shane was silent for a few moments, trying to process what Mitchie just told him. "I don't know why you still think you can't open up to me." He said quietly, and it had Mitchie leaning up on her elbows to look up at him.

"Shane, I told you. I didn't talk to you because I-"

"Because you didn't want to hurt me, yeah I know." He cut her off. "But damn it, Mitchie. Don't you understand that you hurting yourself, nearly killing yourself, hurt me so much worse than anything you could ever talk to me about!" Mitchie frowned when she saw the pain swimming in his eyes, and she knew he must have been flashing back to when he found her in the bathroom. "At least if you tell me what's wrong, I could try to help! My mom will help, my dad will help!" Shane huffed. "God, Mitchie. We want to help you. But you have to let us." He told her, tears welling up in his eyes and Mitchie hated seeing that. "I can't lose you, Mitchie. I just can't." He took a breath, and pulled her closer to him, leaning down so he could kiss her.

Mitchie could feel the desperation in the kiss, the pain and the intensity. It got heated fast. Shane rolled so her back was against the mattress and he was on top of her, his lips attacking hers furiously. It wasn't a normal kiss. Shane was putting absolutely every emotion he was feeling into the kiss, and it was overwhelming Mitchie. Her heart was racing, and her mind was going blank.

He pulled away after a few minutes, gasping for air, as was Mitchie. He stared down at her and she couldn't even tell what all was going on in his eyes. They were so intense.

"Mitchie," He said after they both got their breath back. She looked up at him, her hand running through his hair.

"Hmm?" She said, savoring the feel of his body on top of hers.

"I love you."

She froze as soon as the words left his mouth, and then she had a flashback to when she was just about to black out from the blood loss. He had said he loved her. And he was saying it again and looking at her with those eyes. She finally realized what emotion was going through him. Love. She had never seen it before. Not like that. Nothing like that. She smiled softly and leaned up to kiss him on the lips. She knew the words she was about to say were the most true thing she'd ever tell somebody. She felt it in her damaged heart that was healing the more she was with Shane.

"I love you, too."

I dunno what compelled me to write such a depressing chapter, maybe it was the music I was listening to. lol I dunno. Review anyways please. lol