Okay... so well, this is not my favorite chapter, actually I'm not very convinced about this so I really hope it's not bad...
I'm still writing the 8th chapter :D
5. A touch
The following day, when Ziva arrived at work, Tony looked at her with apprehension. He had spent the last night thinking about their latest conversation, and the more he thought about that, the more he wondered if he had been too honest. Maybe it wasn't what Ziva needed, maybe she just needed to be comforted. Maybe she hadn't come to Tony's place for some advice.
Come on, Tony, why would Ziva ever come to you for any advice?
It wasn't impossible, after all. She knew he cared about her and maybe she also knew he was incapable of lying to her. Anyways, if she hadn't come to listen to some advice, then there was no reason why she would have come.
Maybe I should have just hugged her, he thought, and immediately realized that it was stupid. They had never hugged before and she definitely wouldn't come to his place just to be hugged. However, Tony didn't feel comfortable with the option of hugging her. Their bodies would have been too close and she would have felt his heart beating faster and faster. So, well, thank God she hadn't come to be hugged.
Lost in his thoughts, Tony followed Ziva with his eyes and saw her sitting on her chair.
Was he… flattered? Maybe. She had trusted him so much that she had come to him when she needed help. But in the meantime, he felt confused, because he couldn't imagine what the next move would be, and neither he could imagine who would make the move.
Do I have to tell her anything? Do I have… I don't know, to add anything? To say something else? These thoughts kept wandering around his mind.
In front of him, Ziva was just as confused as he was. She couldn't believe he had really told her those things, but she was happy because he had been that honest with her. Meanwhile, Ziva was also thinking about her father and what she was supposed to do with him. She cared about Eli, after all, of course she cared; but Tony was right, maybe it was impossible for them to have a normal father-daughter relationship, especially if neither of them was ready to talk.
They kept taking looks at each other, lowering their gazes when their eyes met. There was a little embarrassment between the two of them, but they also felt joined by the fact that – they knew it – they were both thinking about the same thing.
Tony had to admit that he liked that feeling.
Suddenly, Tony decided to talk to her. Driven by this decision, he waited for the right moment. When the opportunity arose, he cornered her below the stairs that lead to Vance's office and to MTAC.
"Hey, are you okay?" Tony asked her, looking at her intensely.
She exchanged the look and drew a light smile on her lips. "Yes, everything is fine," she said, nodding a little.
"Are you sure?" he asked, not completely convinced.
"Yes," she replied with a huge smile. Tony understood that it was the truth. She really looked fine. Her smile was beautiful and beaming and he couldn't help staring at it.
Ziva tried to go away: she turned her back to him and took a step. But Tony still had something to add. "Hey," he said, grabbing her hand gently. Ziva shivered and turned slowly. He was still holding her hand in such a sweet way that made her blush. Tony pretended not to have noticed it, but he smiled a little. He was surprised too by his own gesture. He had never touched her like that, he had rarely touched her in the past, actually. They had never been friends who loved hugging or touching each other. They just didn't have a physical relationship.
However, Tony was amazed to find out that, after all, his gesture seemed natural now. Neither of them felt like it was out of place and they could see this feeling in each other's eyes.
"Have you already talked to your father?" he asked slowly, letting go of her hand. Ziva could still feel the warmth of his hand on hers and it took her some time before she was finally able to speak again.
"No but, I…. I do not think I will," Ziva said, smiling a little, trying to ignore the feelings that were screaming in her chest. Tony opened his mouth to protest, but Ziva was faster than him and added, "What you told me… it was true. We cannot pretend that things will work easily…. However, I am not going to tell him because…" She paused for a moment. "Because, after all, we both know that. I mean, my father and I. We know that. We live too far away from each other. There is no way we are going to have a normal father-daughter relationship, and…" Ziva opened her mouth but she didn't say anything else.
"You don't want to make him suffer," Tony concluded for her, smiling lightly. Ziva stared right into his eyes, feeling a little naked in front of him. He had already understood everything.
"Maybe," she said simply.
They were now both smiling at each other. Ziva felt like she had to add something else, so she gathered her thoughts and said at once. "Thank you for listening… last night." Tony smiled widely. "It was very nice of you… I had not even phoned you to tell you I was coming… It was kind of rude, I know, I apologize, and…"
"No, it's okay." Tony nodded, and smiled reassuringly. He could feel her embarrassment. She had opened up to him and he hoped she didn't regret doing that. But he could understand why now she felt embarrassed. Even though they had always been very close, they weren't used to share their feelings with the other; and then, she had never been very good at opening up with people. He was glad she had done that with him.
Ziva bit her lip and lowered her eyes. "You have been… very helpful," she said, nodding.
"I'm always here to be helpful… and, I'm also at home if you need me when I'm not here. So you know where to find me." Tony smiled widely.
Ziva narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out whether he was mocking her or not. "Okay," she murmured, then she smiled and left. Tony watched her going away, with a joyful expression on his face.
Even when everything was perfect between the two of them at work, as soon as he got back home, Tony felt pressed to the floor by his doubts and his fears. Tony looked around his home, trying to find something that could give him a handful of happiness, but he found nothing. He lived his life through work, he had nothing else left and he realized that every night when he came back home. He hated the silence that filled the rooms, he hated the dark and, above all, he hated the laughter and the noises coming from the outside.
How many steps did he still have to take? He knew that it wouldn't be easy, but as days passed, he felt lonelier and lonelier and coming back home was getting harder and harder every night. He had found balance at work. He just enjoyed all the wonderful moments he and Ziva shared, he laughed with McGee, and he had fun with Abby. He was fine. He now needed to find balance in his life. He needed to have something to live for not only at work.
And it was her, it was her, he knew it. It wasn't easy, though. He had always been told to never mix private life and work and, now that he wanted to do that, he realized why everyone was against it. It wasn't easy. It could lead who knows where. He was full of doubts, full of what-ifs, and fears.
What if she doesn't return my feelings? This was the big trouble, this was the question he kept focusing on. This thought haunted him and followed him wherever he went. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go. That thought was still there.
That night, another voice joined that thought. The same old excuses, the voice told him as soon as he closed his eyes.
What excuses?
You know what excuses, the voice said angrily.
Then it became shriller, like it was mocking someone. Oh, what if she doesn't feel the same? What if I ruin everything? It started yelling. Get over your fears!
It's easy for you, huh? Tony asked sharply.
Why should it ever be difficult?
It's… Tony stopped before finishing the sentence.
You are a coward! the voice peeped. You are a coward! You are a coward! You are a coward!
Stop it! Tony screamed in his head, getting up from the couch. "Great, I'm going crazy," he said, passing a hand through his hair.
You are not crazy. Her words sounded in his mind and hushed the annoying voice.
Tony smiled, relieved, feeling much more relaxed. It's okay, he thought. It's all okay.
He went to bed and lay there a few minutes before falling asleep. However, somewhere in his mind, the voice kept murmuring its accusations.
They hurt.