Sorry to everyone for the delays in this, and the next chapter of Diaspora: Book One. Current and near future Klaine developments have left me far from Gleeful (though I have made a little progress on the Star sequel). I'm back at work though, and the Diaspora update should be up soon.

Thanks so much for all your kind reviews. I'm glad everyone likes my little crack!fic.

Were the World Gay - part two

Blaine made the trip to Lima in record time. He'd gotten little more than panicked fragments from his boyfriend over the phone, so when he arrived at Kurt's house he went straight in without knocking. Or at least, not knocking until he arrived at the door to Kurt's bedroom and found it locked. "Kurt? Kurt, it's me."

"Prove it!" came the anxious reply from the other side of the door. "What was Bette Davis' middle name in 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane'."

Now why the hell would Kurt ask that? He knew full well Blaine had a phobia about colorized movies and refused to see anything that was filmed before 1970, just in case. "I don't know. Kurt, you know I've never seen 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane'."

Kurt opened the door, just long enough to pull Blaine in. "I know. That means you're still you. Fuck, I feel like I'm in a body snatcher movie."

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, as soon as the door was locked again. "So do I." Blaine looked at his shaken boyfriend, a disturbing thought coming to mind. "Kurt, your dad… He didn't…."

Kurt raised an eyebrow, surprised by Blaine's sudden concern. He chuckled tiredly. "Grab his crotch and tell me it was time he showed me how to be a man? Thankfully, no. No, that's the weird thing. As far as I can tell no one is suddenly becoming homosexual. They're just…."

"Gay," Blaine finished, calming himself. "That's okay, then. Now that we don't have to worry about humanity going extinct, we've got some time to figure this out."

"I, um-" Kurt blushed. "I did have something of an idea while I was waiting."

"What is it?"

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck and they kissed softly. "The last two times we were together, you…." Kurt stopped, pensive. No doubt thinking of a classier way of phrasing, 'you fucked me'.

"I remember," Blaine stated. Then he realized what Kurt was suggesting. "You want to-"

"Only if you don't mind," Kurt insisted. "It probably wouldn't work…."

"It might," Blaine countered. "Either way, I was always hoping we could take turns with that."

Kurt's eyes widened, just a little. "Really?"

"You're Kurt Hummel. I don't want to chose parts of you," Blaine told him. "I want it all."

Kurt grinned. "All right, then. Come and get it."

The door was already locked, so they quickly got to work on discarding their clothing. Blaine was a little nervous. While he was hardly miniature, Kurt was a lot bigger than he was, and the two times topping Kurt were the entirety of Blaine's anal experience.

He needn't have worried. Kurt had memorized what Blaine had done to him, and was now gently lubing and stretching Blaine so slowly and methodically that Blaine almost screamed at him to hurry.

"So beautiful," Kurt breathed. He raised Blaine's legs, one at a time, and examined them like he'd never seem them before. Placed them lovingly on his shoulders and leaned forward. Stretching Blaine in other ways.

Blaine took a condom and put in on Kurt. Kurt blushed on the realization it only went half-way down the shaft.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Kurt promised.

If anticipation could be physically painful, that would have been a lie. "I believe you."

The throbbing buzz started this time from the instant that Kurt entered him. Was that because they were undoing everything they'd done? Or had Kurt felt like this the whole time?

"Blaine," Kurt gasped. "It's- It's too much."

And it was. When Blaine was fifteen he'd had to share a room with two female cousins while on a trip to visit his grandparents. After five days of having absolutely no privacy, when he finally got to sleep in his own bed he'd had the most explosive orgasm he'd ever had. Blaine had passed that sensation five minutes earlier.

"Don't stop baby, please," Blaine begged.

But another moment, then two, and Kurt was screaming in ecstasy. They both were.

The room shook again. All the knickknacks and pictures were knocked down, and Blaine heard something shatter.

But the red light flowed right out into the walls and disappeared. That had never happened before. "Do you think it worked?" Kurt asked.

"Maybe," Blaine noted hopefully. "I guess we'll have to check." But when Blaine lowered his legs off of Kurt's shoulders he decided that was as detangled as he wanted to get at the moment. "Later."

Kurt was more than willing to bask in some afterglow before checking to see if his hypothesis was correct, but Finn was knocking on the door of their shared room. "Dude! I don't want to interrupt, but Rachel and me are getting together this afternoon to sing about our feelings. And I'm not finished getting dressed yet."

"Just a minute." Kurt and Blaine put on enough clothing to qualify as sufficiently dressed, then Kurt opened the door.

Kurt was apparently overdressed.

Finn came bounding in, wearing only a red designer jock strap. His body issues seem to have all been resolved, though Finn's body seemed to be as affected as his wardrobe was so there wasn't much for him to be insecure about. "Thanks. Rachel will kill me for being late, and obviously I can't go like this.

"You are a little… under accessorized," Blaine gaped in pure shock.

Finn nodded, but rather than put on a shirt or -gaga forbid- pants, he went over to what was apparently now his boa drawer. After digging for a few moments, he found one that was the exact same color as his jock strap. "Faboo!" he exclaimed. Finn wrapped the boa around his neck and ran to embrace Kurt. "See you guys later. Have fun. Air kisses!" Finn placed a kiss an inch over both of his brother's cheeks and bounded back out.

"I- I don't suppose he was gayer this morning at breakfast," Blaine winced. He wasn't sure how that could have even been possible, but it was the only chance this most recent encounter could have worked.

"No." Kurt was practically catatonic. "His jock strap was mostly see-through. Did you see that?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Kurt? Kurt, open the door. I think I found something." It had been three days since what Blaine had termed the Gay Apparel incident. Kurt had been avoiding everyone, even after he returned to Dalton, so Blaine spent most of his free time researching. The topic of 'alternate reality' had little to offer it besides repeated viewings of some pretty enjoyable Science Fiction. But when he decided to research gay sex on-line (a significantly larger field of study), he did end up with a lead.

Kurt opened the door, looking reassuringly calm. Dejected and resigned yes, but not panicked. "Come in. I was hoping you'd find something; my best efforts resulted in a nine hour marathon of Simpson's Halloween episodes."

Blaine entered Kurt's dorm room, trying not to be upset when he kissed Kurt and Kurt flinched. "It turns out the solution may not be the science. I think it's the sex."

"We tried that already," Kurt pointed out.

"Hear me out," Blaine insisted. "I did some research on Tantric sex. As near as I can understand, you're supposed to move onto a higher spiritual plane through intense spiritual intimacy. Basically, I think if we can put some of these techniques to use, we'll be able to maximize our sexual experiences until-"

"Until it literally starts raining men?" Kurt finished, worried.

Blaine winced, recognizing just how lethal that would be in actual practice. "That would be bad. But really, if we keep going the way we have been, aren't we going to end up there anyway?"

Kurt inhaled, girding himself. "No. I think we need to just calm down. Not let our… basic urges take control. For-"

"For the good of society, I need to stay away from you?" Blaine yelped, shocked. "Sorry, Kurt. I didn't buy that when the Catholic Church told me that, and I'm not buying it now."

"Blaine, have you seen what it's like out there?" Kurt pleaded. "I know it should be a dream come true, but it's scary. Where will it end?"

"We won't know until we try this," Blaine insisted. "If we try this Tantric thing, we might be able to see what's going on from the outside. We can fix this, or at least take comfort in knowing it's going to be okay."

"I don't know…"

"Tell me you don't love me," Blaine challenged. "Tell me you don't want me. Because I think you do."

Kurt blushed as he looked in Blaine's eyes. Even those few seconds were more than he could resist. He bowed his head in submission. "I do…. So what do we need to do?"

"Okay," Blaine sighed as he doodled on the white board in an unused classroom. "I think we can agree that we didn't quite reach higher consciousness yesterday." They'd decided, following their first attempt at Tantric sex, that they'd spend 24 hours apart, researching the ways that reality had changed. The results were not encouraging.

"Agreed. You know, I actually liked it when chlorophyll was green. What color are pink leaves going to change into in the fall?"

"I have no idea," Blaine admitted. "I think our best bet is to keep working on the Tantric plan until we get better at it. Maybe we'll have worked this out by the time fall hits."

Kurt considered this. Honestly, now that he thought about it the idea of never being with Blaine again was untenable. So this was the only option they had right now. "What do you think we've been doing wrong?"

"Maybe nothing," Blaine assured him. "I read that it sometimes takes years to become expert at this."

"Years!" Kurt yelped. "Okay, this has gone on long enough. I can't take years of blame!"

Blaine moved to wrap Kurt in his arms. "Hey, this isn't our fault."

"We're causing this," Kurt reminded him. "How does it become not our fault?"

"It's a reaction to who we are. Like homophobes coming after us. It's not something we're actually doing. You can't blame yourself."

Kurt burrowed tighter into Blaine's hug. "Then let's just walk away. If it's not our fault, we should be able to sit back and just watch it happen."

Blaine thought about that. Honestly, he'd been researching more because it weirded him out than out of any sense of responsibility. "You're right. I mean, really? What's happened so far that hasn't been an improvement?" Blaine might change his mind once he actually SAW the stripper pole his mom had bought for his dad, but for now it was true.

Kurt had expected Blaine to admit he couldn't just give up, so Kurt was startled to hear the truth. "Really?"

"Really. We can keep practicing Tantric sex - FOR FUN- in the mean time. It'll be fun, and on the off chance things get dangerous we'll have the ability to figure things out. Because of the danger, not out of guilt."

Kurt kissed Blaine passionately. He was still nervous about this, but he didn't blame Blaine at all. And if Blaine didn't blame him, then what was the use of worrying.

It was ironically, the next time they tried Tantric sex that it happened.

It had gotten to the point that Kurt never even noticed the red light anymore. At least not until it got even brighter, vibrant red for only a second before burning pure white.

"Blaine," Kurt tried to warn. But there wasn't time. Kurt felt his body split into separate chakra points, each joined to Blaine's chakras, and the entire universe exploded in white.

When Kurt could see again, what he saw didn't make any sense. Blaine was sprawled on top of him on some sort of staircase. They both seemed to be themselves again, but from a look at Blaine's face, Kurt could see his boyfriend had no more idea of where they were than he was.

Plus it was majorly embarrassing to be naked and entwined with your lover, when your dead mother was standing there, smiling softly. "Mom?"

Blaine's eyes widened to their utmost. He turned, saw Kurt's mom, and jumped back. Trying to pull out of Kurt and cover himself at the same time. What came out of his mouth would not be describable as words by even the most generous of new parents.

Kathleen Hummel laughed. "Blaine, it's all right. There's no reason to be embarrassed. You actually look very good together."

Kurt pulled his knees up, blushing. His mother had seen it all before, but there'd been major renovations since the last time. "Mom, is that really you? I mean, I almost hope it's not, because I don't really like the idea of you watching over me when I'm having sex- But I-"

"I'm not spying on you," Kathleen assured him. "I'm always there when you need me, though. And I can tell when you're doing okay on your own. Like with Blaine."

Blaine seemed a little mollified by this, but he was still stunned. "You're Kurt's mom. Does that mean- Is this heaven?"

"Not as such," Kathleen replied, as she led them to the edge of the stairs. "I'm afraid most people have an overly linear understanding of what life is like. But as you can see, that's just not how it works.

Kurt and Blaine gaped at what they saw. All of reality, looking like some gigantic M. C. Escher drawing. An infinite number of staircases, like the one they were on, moving, connecting in numberless ways. Their own lives connecting to everything else in a way that they had never considered before.

Kurt had to pull back before he accidentally threw up down the center of reality.

"Mrs. Hummel, what's happening to our world?" Blaine asked.

"I don't know if I can explain it," Kathleen admitted. "It's all very metaphysical."

Kurt looked at his mother, longingly. He didn't know if he wanted to waste his time with her on this. But he didn't know what else he could ask her at this point. "Try, please. At least tell us we don't need to feel badly for what we've done."

Kathleen hugged her son, heedless of his nudity. "What's happened is nothing to be frightened of. Kurt, we move through these worlds in one of two ways: through space, and through time. Most people move both ways, and of course the closer you get to either end of absolute, the fewer people there are."

"That's basic population studies so far," Blaine told her. "So far I understand."

Kathleen nodded at him, pleased. "Blaine, you almost exclusively move along time, while Kurt moves along space. Now normally, most as exclusive as the two of you never meet. And when they have, it's always been opposite genders. Conception happens almost immediately, and it ties them together. Prevents them from losing each other in all this." She waved her hand out at the universe at large. It seemed impossibly huge, and Kurt shivered at the thought of getting lost in it.

"But Blaine and I can't get pregnant," Kurt noted, anxiety rising. "Are- Are we going to lose each other if we can't figure out a way to move differently?" It scared him. He'd just found Blaine. To lose him, because he could only move in one direction? Like a metaphysical chess piece?

Kathleen held Kurt tighter. "That's why reality has been shifting. Your combined energy hasn't been able to make a new life, so it's spreading out. Rearranging reality so that as far as you're concerned, space and time are going in the same direction."

Blaine had tears in his eyes. He moved behind Kurt, happily stroking his lover's cheek. "That's beautiful."

Kathleen let Kurt go, as soon as she felt the tension leave him. "It's time to get back on our own paths. If you stay much longer in this higher consciousness much longer, you won't be able to walk tomorrow," she teased gently.

"Can't we stay a little longer?" Kurt pleaded.

"Kurt," she gently admonished. "You know you don't have to be here to have me nearby. I'm always there for you."

Kurt woke up in his own bed, in his own boyfriend's arms. And wept.

It never did rain men, thankfully. Eventually, though the red lights came and went every time they were together, there was nothing left to change and things settled down to this new normal. Leaves turned breathtaking shades of purple in the fall. And since Christmas was already overdone before all this happened, it went comfortingly unchanged.

Kurt made one final attempt to restore the old balance that next spring. Convincing the New Directions boys that they should try to create their own fad. Which basically amounted to acting the way men used to. It wasn't successful.

"Why am I spitting on the ground?" Mike complained. "It's gross."

"Exactly," Kurt insisted. "It's bold! Can you imagine everyone else doing it?"

Artie gave up on his 'thug posing'. "No, and for good reason. At least when Mike and I make out in front of Tina, I get head."

Kurt raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Seriously?" He hadn't heard of anyone going gay that hadn't been gay before.

Artie laughed at him. "From Tina, perv. This threesome doesn't swing that way." He high-fived Mike, seemingly the last straight convention left on Earth.

Puck put his arm over Kurt's shoulder. Kurt had never figured out what it meant that Puck still looked and acted the way he had before all this started. "Come on, Hummel. We know why you're doing this."

"That would seriously surprise me."

"We mean it," Finn insisted. "You put so much energy into being the outsider in Glee. Now that you've got a boyfriend you're suddenly worried that you're just like the rest of us."

Kurt knew that wasn't true, but he was clearly fighting a losing battle here. "Maybe that's it."

"So come on," Puck repeated. "You know, they finally opened a fifth spa in the mall."

"About time." Sam had given up on trying on oversized clothes a while ago, and was now reapplying body oil to his torso. "The last time I went in, I already needed to schedule a follow-up appointment for the appointment I booked for next week."

"So did I," Puck told him. "So as soon as I heard about the new salon, I went over there. And I book us all… mani/pedis!"

All the boys squealed in delight. Including Kurt, who decided this was a much better way to spend the afternoon than belching lessons.

End

Yeah, I went with the portmanteau for Kurt's first name again. I just love doing it. The storyline proper is over now, but I might add the occasional one-shot as inspiration strikes.