CHAPTER 7: Confusion

Tatiana sat herself down on a rock. She sighed and gazed at the silver tabby standing a few feet away from her.

Munkustrap turned and smiled at Tatiana. He walked towards her.

Tatiana's heart beat faster with every step the tom took. After what seemed like an eternity, Munkustrap finally reached the queen's side and sat down.

"Hello."

"Hi." Tatiana giggled nervously.

Munkustrap suddenly put his arm around Tatiana's shoulders and drew her closer. "I love you," he whispered in her ear.

"What about Demeter?" Tatiana asked in surprise, her throat dry.

"Demeter who?"

Tatiana gazed into his eyes, startled. His face drew nearer to hers and their lips met…

Then, abruptly, Munkustrap was standing up, facing another tom. Tatiana couldn't tell who the tom was, but her fur prickled in fear. All she saw was a blur of fiery red. "Macavity?" she ventured, bewildered. Before her very eyes, the toms were quickly engaged in a fight. Silver mixed with streaks of fire. Tatiana didn't know what was happening and began to panic. "Munku?" she called desperately. "Munkustrap?"

And then, just as suddenly as the fight had begun, a tom sat next to Tatiana once more…but it wasn't Munkustrap. Tatiana recognized him as the tom who had fought Munkustrap. It was not Macavity, however. It was…

"Mungojerrie?"

In answer, the striped tom nuzzled her neck. "I love you, Tatiana."

Tatiana attempted to pull back in shock, but he was quickly on top of her, kissing her, caressing her. She could not escape.

And then she was giving in to him. They kissed passionately until…

"What are you doing, Jerrie?!"

There was dead silence.

Tatiana blinked and looked around. It was dark. Nothing stirred. The queen felt confused and disoriented until she realized that she must have been dreaming. She was sitting upright and was panting, her breaths coming in short, quick gasps. Her fur felt wet – she was sweating. She hoped that no-one had heard her scream. She glanced over at Mungojerrie. He did not stir, as he was sleeping peacefully. Tatiana sighed with relief. Maybe she hadn't screamed so loudly, afterall. She lay back down.

"Tatty, are you okay?"

Tatiana let out a piercing shriek and sat up again, too scared to notice the use of the nickname she hated most.

Strong paws grabbed her shoulders. "Shhh, it's only me."

Tatiana looked up at the tom and shook herself from his grasp, growling as she did so. "What do you want? Leave me alone."

"I heard you screaming and thought you might have been…in trouble." Tugger peered in her face. "What happened?"

"Nothing, I just ha –" She broke off. There was no way she was going to tell him the truth about what had happened – he would most certainly laugh at her and possibly even spread a rumour. No, she couldn't tell him.

"You just what?" He actually looked concerned – well, as concerned as a Tugger could look.

"Nothing," she muttered angrily. "Just go."

Tugger gave her one last glance, shrugged and walked off just as Munkustrap came upon the scene.

Tatiana groaned. The last Jellicle she wanted to see at that moment was Munkustrap.

The silver tabby walked up to her. "Are you okay, Tatiana? I heard you scream."

"I suppose the entire junkyard did, did they?" Tatiana asked a touch sarcastically.

"Well, it was pretty loud…"

"Well, I'm fine."

"Yoo orlroight?"

Tatiana jumped and shrieked again. She turned to see Mungojerrie standing behind her. She hadn't heard him coming, much like the sudden appearances and disappearances in the cause of the commotion. I said previously that the last cat Tatiana wanted to see at that time was Munkustrap. Well, at the sight of Mungojerrie, she quickly changed her mind. Munkustrap was the second-last cat she had wanted to see – Mungojerrie being the last. "I'm fine," she said in a loud but slightly shaky voice. "Can you just leave me now?"

Taken aback, both toms nodded and slowly walked away.

"Tats, what's –"

"NOTHING!" Tatiana shouted.

Munkustrap touched Victoria's shoulder and motioned for her to turn back. "She's alright, she just needs to be alone," he murmured to the white queen.

Victoria nodded understandingly and retraced her pawsteps.

Tatiana tried to settle down in her bed. She noticed Mungojerrie throwing her concerned glances. Annoyed, the queen turned over, closed her eyes and buried her head in the scarves, willing sleep to come. But it didn't.

Tatiana was still awake when dawn broke. Dead-tired but knowing that sleep would not visit her again that morning, the queen wandered off to the forest to think. She was utterly confused. She made a mental list of things that were, in her opinion, wrong with the dream.

1. Munku is happily mated with Demeter
2. If he weren't, I'd still be too young for him
3. Even if I weren't, he couldn't love me…could he?
4. Why did I shout "Macavity"? I don't know what he looks like, so why should fiery, red fur trigger this fear?
5. Jerrie couldn't love me…could he?
6. Why would I submit to Jerrie? I don't love him…

Whilst pondering this list, she thought of several more questions.

1. What happened to Munku after the fight?
2. Why were the toms fighting?
3. Why did I even dream about this, particularly in such a tormenting way?

She sighed. Attempting to sort out her thoughts just confused her further. She started as she heard a noise nearby. Trying to control the nervousness in her voice, she called out timidly, "Who's there?"

A black-and-gold queen stepped out of the shadows. "Relax, sweetheart, it's only me."

"Oh, hi, Demeter," Tatiana said with relief.

"What are you doing out here this early?"

"I could ask the same of you."

Demeter grinned. "I suppose that's true." She paused while she analyzed the younger queen's face. "Are you alright? You look mighty worn-out. You're not ill, are you?"

Tatiana actually didn't mind Demeter inquiring about her health, unlike how she had felt about the toms just hours ago. She shook her head. "Just tired, I guess. I, uh, didn't get much sleep last night."

Demeter nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean. I have nights like those sometimes."

But you don't know the reason, Tatiana thought. She wasn't about to disclose it to the older queen, either.

The two conversed amiably for a while on random topics – such as the Junkyard Singers, how Tatiana was finding her 'new life', as Demeter put it, and the friends she had made – before the two headed back to the junkyard together.

Tatiana had thought that she would have become tense with Demeter around at that time, but seeing the other queen, surprisingly enough, relaxed her a bit.

Although Tatiana had calmed down somewhat, she still wasn't in the mood to talk to the two toms from her dream. She wasn't in the mood for laughter, either, so she stalked over to the oven near the tyre and sat in it, thinking and hoping nobody would spot her. Unfortunately, someone did.

"Hi," Mistoffelees greeted as he ambled over to the beautiful queen.

"Hi," Tatiana returned stiffly.

"What's up?"

"The sky," replied Tatiana flatly.

Mistoffelees chuckled. "Okay, you caught me." He put his paws up in a gesture of mock surrender.

"That wasn't my intention."

Mistoffelees finally heard the lack of enthusiasm in her voice. "Is something the matter?"

"NO!" Tatiana exploded.

Mistoffelees sat in front of her looking completely shell-shocked.

"I – I'm sorry," Tatiana apologized quickly. "I didn't mean to…I'm just a little… bothered…at the moment. No, that's not the right word." She shook her head, searching for the right word.

"I know what you mean. I'm sorry," said the tom.

"No, I'm just still trying to calm myself down a bit…"

Mistoffelees looked at her curiously. "Calm down from what?"

"Being…I still can't find the word…annoyed."

"What are you annoyed at?"

"The world, let's just say." Tatiana made a big circle with her paws to indicate the world.

"Oh. Well, I won't ask any more questions. But if you need someone to talk to…" He shrugged.

"Thanks."

As the tom walked off, Tatiana moved further to the back of the oven and settled down into the corner.

Tatiana awoke, sensing a presence at the entrance to the oven. She hissed automatically, but, before she could apologize to whoever it was, a cheerful face loomed up in front of her.

"Hey, Tats, it's only me. What are you up to?"

Tatiana breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, hey, Etcetera. I must have fallen asleep. And I didn't mean to hiss at you like that, sorry."

"It's okay." She peered at Tatiana's face. "Have you been crying?"

"No, why?" Tatiana blinked, baffled.

"Your face looks wet."

"It does?" Tatiana touched a paw to her cheek. Sure enough, it was damp. "I don't know why it's wet…I wasn't crying."

"Sure?" Etcetera looked just as puzzled.

"Yes, I'm quite…" Tatiana trailed off. Was it possible to cry in one's sleep?

"You said you were asleep…were you crying before that?"

Tatiana slowly shook her head and looked directly into her friend's large eyes. "Etcy…is it possible to cry when you're asleep?" she whispered, her own eyes wide.

Etcetera looked startled by the question. "Uh…I dunno, Tats…"