CHAPTER 8: Solitude

As ill fortune would have it, the first Jellicle Tatiana managed to run into after she left the oven was Munkustrap.

"Tatiana," the tom said, smiling down at her, "I was just wondering if you're okay now, after what happened last night."

"I'm fine," Tatiana said, fighting to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

"That's good. Uh, if you want to talk to anyone about whatever it was, I'm here."

"Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood for talking at the moment. I just…I don't mean to sound rude, but I would rather be alone."

Munkustrap nodded. "I understand." Giving her one last, worried look, Munkustrap hurried off to his den.

Tatiana sighed. What was wrong with her? She should have been practically fainting at the sight of the silver tabby and feeling sheer joy at having a conversation with him, no matter how brief. Yet she wasn't. Tatiana growled at herself and kept stalking in a direct line, her eyes glued to the ground. Her thoughts were in such turmoil that she didn't notice another Jellicle standing in her path until she collided with something furry.

"Oof!" The tom spun around as Tatiana let out a shriek. "Oh, Tats, ya roight? Oi didn't notice ya comin'."

I've really got to get a grip and take better control of my nerves, Tatiana told herself as she sat up and dusted herself off. I must look like a complete wreck of a cranky cat. I wouldn't blame the Jellicles if they stopped liking me altogether. "Sorry, Jerrie, I didn't see you, either." She stood and attempted to dodge the tom, but was unsuccessful, for Mungojerrie merely turned and followed her. "Did you want something?"

Mungojerrie was stung and taken aback by the sharpness of Tatiana's tone, but quickly recovered his composure. "No, did yoo?" He grinned.

"Only some solitude."

"Some what?"

"Time to myself," explained Tatiana. Although it didn't sound like it, Tatiana was doing her best to soften to tone in her voice so that she didn't sound unsociable or anything in that vein.

Unfortunately, Mungojerrie couldn't pick that up, and was feeling rather hurt. He merely said, "okoiy" and sat down to watch her walk off, wondering why Tatiana was acting as she was. Did he, unknowingly, do something to hurt her? Did she not like him anymore? Was there a personal problem she was trying to battle alone? Mungojerrie sighed and scratched his ear. What could he do?

Tatiana, on the other hand, was trying to push all thoughts from her mind. The guilt of her unpleasant behaviour combined with her confusion over her personal feelings to produce an overwhelming amount of emotion. She could feel it building up inside her like a cauldron of boiling water, and it was not a pleasant feeling. She had to let it out somehow – it hadn't been pent-up for long, but it had been so for long enough, and it was time for a release. Feeling completely out-of-character and not at all like herself, she streaked into the forest, climbed onto the highest rock she could find and stood on her hind legs. Reaching out with her front paws to the fading sunlight streaming through the trees, her face upturned, she took a deep breath a let it all out in a long, piercing wail…

"Is something wrong?" Mistoffelees yelled up to the figure on the rock, worry creasing his brow. He had heard a piercing wail and had come to investigate, fearing that one of the Jellicles may have been in trouble.

Tatiana glared down at Mistoffelees.

"I heard a scream and thought… You aren't in trouble, are you?"

"No."

"Oh." Mistoffelees was, by now, feeling highly uncomfortable and had no idea of what to say next. "Still up for our dancing lesson tonight?" he ventured.

"Is that tonight?" A look of panic crossed Tatiana's face. "I totally forgot! Um…okay, I'll come, but I don't know if I really feel like dancing tonight."

"Well, we can try, but we don't have to dance much if you don't feel like it, okay?"

Tatiana nodded. "Thanks."

Mistoffelees graciously offered Tatiana an arm to help her down from the rock, which she accepted. The two walked to the cave in a slightly uncomfortable silence, where they began to practice the foxtrot. After half an hour, however, Tatiana sank down to the ground, feeling unable to continue the lesson, and the dams burst open. Tatiana was vaguely aware of Mistoffelees sitting beside her and putting his arms around her as the queen wept.

Fifteen minutes later, Tatiana's tears finally subsided. Mistoffelees conjured up a handkerchief, which Tatiana gratefully used to dry her tear-stained face.

"Anything you want to talk about?" came Mistoffelees' soft voice.

To Tatiana's surprise she felt her head nodding, and soon the whole story was tumbling out from between her dry lips. She told him all about her dream, her confusion, the guilt she felt from her uncharacteristic behaviour.

Mistoffelees nodded and clucked sympathetically in all the right places – something which Tatiana, who would usually be irritated by such actions, found strangely comforting.

Sniffing as her story drew to a close, Tatiana added, "I know I have to figure this out for myself, but I'm just so…bewildered by it all. I've never been in a situation such as this before. Then again, I've never had friends like you guys, either, and most certainly not…feelings…for anyone… Oh, I don't know!"

"I agree that you have to figure it out for yourself. But that doesn't mean you have to do it alone."

Tatiana looked up at the black-and-white tom and blinked, confused. "Huh?"

"You don't have to push everyone away from you just so you can do something by yourself."

"I know that…I don't know why I did. I don't seem to be having much control over my actions or my words lately."

"Okay, but remember, I'm here and will help in any way I can. I'll always be supporting you, and I'm sure anyone else you tell about this will feel the same way."

Tatiana smiled weakly at the tom. "Thanks, Misto." She gave him a quick hug.

In an effort to cheer up the young queen, Mistoffelees performed a succession of magic tricks for the rest of the night. As was the tom's aim, it distracted Tatiana from her thoughts, and she even began to laugh. Mistoffelees was pleased with the result, and the two parted company feeling that their spirits had been uplifted somewhat.

Tatiana spent the night in a part of the junkyard that had previously been undiscovered by her, and awoke the next morning feeling stiff but in better spirits. She promised herself that she would take extra care to think about what she did and said that day, and that she would be nice to everyone as she usually was, including – no, especially – the toms who had featured in her dream.

As she walked towards the centre of the junkyard, Tatiana's attention was captured by the Rum Tum Tugger flirting outrageously with the younger kittens. Tatiana rolled her eyes. The Tugger was the only cat to whom she never felt like being nice, but, much as the idea revolted her, Tatiana supposed she had better at least make an effort to be nice to the Maine Coon in future. Besides, she needed a distraction, and this, strange as it may seem, was perfect. As she neared the tom and his faithful disciples, the squealing that was part of the Tugger-Fankits package pierced Tatiana's sensitive feline ears. However, she merely pasted a smile on her face and sauntered over to the group.

"Hey," she greeted.

She was met with shouts and even more squeals. The Tugger grinned and slung his hips to the side. "Hiya, Tatty," he purred smoothly.

Tatiana mentally rolled her eyes again. Typical, she thought. "Hiya, Tugsy," she replied, mimicking his movement.

The young queens squealed with laughter and Tatiana suppressed a chuckle as the Tugger tried not to grimace.

Ah, thought Tatiana, this is going to be such fun!