Disclaimer: I don't own IPS or any of the characters.
Warning: Rated M for character death, adult themes, and angst. If those will upset you, don't read.A
Author's Note: This is, quite possibly, my favorite chapter of the story. Still sad, though. Those of you still reading, thank you for showing this story your support. I hope you'll keep reading. =)
4.
After he'd sat numbly for what had seemed a long while, some of the nursing staff had taken him back to a cozy, dimly lit room; a private room somewhere in the maternity ward, he realized, where mother and child were meant to get to know one another while they recovered from their shared ordeal.
This time, though, there would be no mother. There was only him, and how could he be enough? He was at a loss as the nurse helped him settle the newborn infant against his chest, knowing he needed to bond with something before he followed the urge to chase his beloved into the great beyond, whether by some means swift and deliberate or by simply allowing himself to waste away.
As he felt that small heart beating against his own, both possibilities became non-options. He could not, and would never, willingly abandon this child that needed him as much as he needed her. His hand on her back was huge in comparison; she was small, not dangerously so, but smaller than he'd expected. Of course one didn't usually see babies right away unless they were family, and she had come early. Still, she seemed so tiny and fragile, and somehow so much more real now that she was in the world and he could see what a part of him she was.
Marshall loved her already.
He glanced at the tag on the end of the bin in which she'd been brought to him. Baby Shannon-Mann. Mary had died, then, without naming their child. She hadn't had a specific name picked out, but had repeatedly assured him that when she laid eyes on the baby for the first time, she would know what she was to be called.
That had never come to be.
The tears started to flow, silently, so as not to disturb the small, sleeping form on his chest. Mary had left him with even this responsibility, one which he had not given much thought. So many times, Mary had insisted he'd just name their daughter something crazy like Moon-Unit or Space-Cowgirl; he'd had no intention of doing any such thing, but had recognized her unspoken desire to name her baby herself. It would have broken his heart that she hadn't even gotten to do that one thing that she'd so badly wanted, had his heart not been broken already.
There was only one name he wanted to give her now, but that name was forbidden; Mary would never forgive him for naming their baby after her. She would have been completely pissed at him for even thinking it. Mary Mann did not have the best ring to it either, which was one of the many reasons Mary had given as to why they could never actually get married (not that she ever would anyway, and he had respected that) and hence, how both of their last names had ended up on the baby's tag. Their names were different, and the hospital staff simply hadn't known what last name their child would have.
Naturally, no one had told them. Mary had been too busy dying, and he'd been too busy wallowing on his ass.
Some father he was already. He couldn't even figure out how to name his daughter. If it weren't for the fact that Mary would have hated him for it, he'd have gone ahead and named their baby Mary too, but he knew it was wrong, and Mary's will was not something to be trifled with even now that she was dead, perhaps especially now. Mary was a Shannon woman, though much more responsible and together than the others he knew. This child would be the same; she was Mary's child, no matter whose last name she had. A Shannon woman, just like her mother.
"Shannon," he breathed softly. He liked it. Mary would have thought it was stupid, but he had the feeling it would have fallen under the category of lovable-stupid that she had enjoyed teasing him for over the years. Shannon Mann. It had a good sound. It sounded like partnership: Mary first, himself second, but always together.
"Hi, Shannon," he whispered again to the tiny figure he held. "My name is Marshall, and I'm your dad."
The two stayed there, ensconced in a hospital recliner, until a nurse came to take Shannon away.