This was written for the Mass Effect LJ comm's Shore Leave Friday when I thought "I'd like to take the name of the weekly fandom repository completely literally."

There are some characters here that have appeared out of nowhere with no explanation, because this takes place concurrently with another "Joker's Wild"-series fic I'm working on.

Shore Leave Friday

Joker's tendency to be anti-social was not at all lost on others. His thought process on the matter, however, often was.

"C'mon, Jeff. Don't be a stick in the mud. How often do we get shore leave on this job, anyway?"

Somehow, Ken Donnelly's accent had become far more annoying between yesterday and right now. Suspecting he'd done it on purpose, Joker stopped staring at him and pretended to read the news he'd been scrolling through on the datapad in his hand. He really couldn't multitask with reading, but he didn't want Donnelly to think he was actually paying attention to him. "Time off is time off no matter how you spend it. I'd just rather browse the extranet instead of hobbling around and getting sunburned."

Unacknowledged by either of them, Devros wandered into the mess and plopped down on a seat at the other end of the table, one hand setting his omni-tool down and the other carrying a toolbox. He started pulling a few instruments from the box, and began the process of re-calibrating his omni-tool.

"C'mon," Donnelly was practically whining now, "There's beaches, decadent food even I can forgive for not fitting my traditional tastes, and did I mention the beaches?"

"You don't need to," Joker sighed. "I'm the helmsmen, remember? I kind-of figured out where we are when I landed the ship."

A predatory grin on his face, Donnelly adjusted his grip on his duffel bag and leaned over the table, practically shoving his face into Joker's. "Word from the CIC is Shepard's hitting a beach. Wouldn't want to miss the chance to ogle him laying on the sand, would you?"

Trying to process this image, rubbing his eyes as if to make it, or at least make Donnelly go away, Joker decided to make an effort at ignoring him. Turning to Devros, he said, "Hey, why are you doing that here, anyway? Don't you have a workbench down in engineering?"

Shrugging, Devros answered, "The robot is doing maintenance on the trash compactor." Tweaking another part of the omni-tool with a little stick-like device that looked too thin to possibly do anything, he said, "Everyone seems to have gone from the 'stare accusingly' phase to the 'look quickly away and pretend we weren't staring' phase, this seemed as good a place as any."

"Fair enough," Joker sighed. He'd been hoping to get into an actual, distracting conversation, but, sadly, this hadn't happened.

"Hey, what about you?" Donnelly himself rarely gave Devros any trouble; he was an engineer before anything, and Devros was a fellow gearhead. "Libo? With girls? Booze? Parties?"

"We're in council space," Devros blinked at him, feeling that this should've been obvious. When it became clear Donnelly would need it spelled out, he continued. "If I walk out onto a planet in council space, I'm liable to get arrested." After Donnelly started looking like he really felt stupid, Devros also said, "Besides, I'm not a fan of beaches. Wear a winter jacket out there and you'll know what I'd feel like."

Finally finding a kindred spirit of sorts, Joker couldn't resist. "Batarian, I think I might have just started liking you."

A wry little grin on his face, Devros turned his eyes back to his gear on the table.

Quickly turning the gathering into a crowd, Engineer Daniels appeared from around the corner, similarly prepared to disembark. "Kenneth, what's the hold-up?"

"Was just fishing for some more company," Donnelly gave her an apologetic look. "Christ, I feel like I'm the only one around here who wouldn't have fun at a tax audit. Joker's content to let all the girls on the beach stare at Shepard in his speedo without him."

"Oh for," dropping his datapad, Joker paid it no mind when his lack of planning sent it straight to the floor instead of nicely flat on the table. "He doesn't own one. And don't even tell me he does, because I've seen his entire wardrobe, and he doesn't even have actual swim trunks, he'll just be faking it with cargo shorts his mother bought him." Completely apathetic to the fact that telling Shepard's other subordinates that his mother bought him clothes probably wasn't a good idea, Joker took his rant a little farther. "And what do I even care? I see him naked. Hell, I used to see him naked before I was sleeping with him; he had to use the crew showers like the rest of us on the old Normandy."

"Hey, sometimes clothes can be sexier than nudity," Ken's tone of voice changed rather suddenly, his feet shuffling when he glance down at them, his eyes traveling there by way of looking in Gabby's vague direction first. "I mean, anyone can look at porn, but..."

"I am not having this conversation," Joker considered hiding behind his hat, but he ultimately decided that this would be ineffective. He decided that acting juvenile would be better, so he stuck his fingers in his ears. "Lalalalala laaaa la la, I can't hear you!"

"C'mon, Jeff," Donnelly went back to his prodding, apparently having not yet given up. "Even Commander Alenko's taking some time to soak up some rays. And if anyone needs some color in his skin here..."

"It's Shepard, who is a hell of a lot paler then I am," Joker answered. "And don't even start with me on Kaidan, I know him. That's not a surprise. He's such a goodie-goodie you think he's got some stick made of purity and innocence stuck up his ass, but he's as horny as the next man, and if he's not hitting on some asari chick as we speak, it's only because he's already banging her."

Garrus was now approaching, Joker's earlier shouting having roused his curiosity enough to get him out of gunnery control.

"That's," Gabby shifted her weight, "Well...I guess I can't judge a man for having a sex life, it's just...odd to think about, in his case."

Unfortunately, Garrus had reached earshot when she said this, and he had the distinct impression that he'd either walked into the conversation at the wrong time, or just plain walked into the wrong conversation. "Why are we talking about someone's sex life?"

Through gritted teeth, Joker hissed, "We're not. At all or ever again, especially mine, especially about how it does or does not relate to Shepard wearing a speedo."

Recognizing he was out of the loop, Garrus asked, what was, to him, the obvious question. "What's a speedo?"

While Devros shrugged and muttered about his mutual ignorance at Garrus, Joker realized that he'd really chosen his words poorly, and he very much wanted to swallow his foot, if not worse. "I really, really wish I could bang my head against the table without killing myself right now."

It wasn't going to get any better, not with the way Devros had picked up another of the datapads spread out on the table so he could start an Extranet Image Search. "That's," he peered at the pad closely, all four eyes squinting. "Oh, now I get it. Guess I should update my translator."

When Devros passed him the datapad, Garrus had a much more animated reaction, despite the tendency of turian facial expressions to be rather subdued. "Humans wear that in public?" He turned the datapad ninety-degrees, "Shepard wears that?"

"No, unless he's starting today and just didn't tell me." Sighing, Joker finally gave up. He'd had worse conversations in his life...at least, he thought he did. He couldn't remember right now. He buried his face in his hands and scrubbed them up and down, finally setting for letting his forehead rest on both hands put together. "What did I do to deserve this? Why is it weird that I'm in a relationship with someone I trust enough to not care when he takes his shirt off around other people?"

"Oh, hey, I didn't mean it like that," Donnelly actually seemed genuinely apologetic, for what it was worth. "Just...you know."

"Kenneth, you mean everything like that, especially when you're not trying," Gabby rolled her eyes. "C'mon, stop pestering Joker, we're wasting valuable beach time."

"Yeah, yeah, sorry," he sighed, deflating as his own experience with defeat sunk in. "Well, enjoy your night, fellas."

"I was doing that," Joker murmured under his breath, "Then high-school came back."

Glancing at Devros and sharing a shrug with the batarian, Garrus left him to his calibrations and headed back for gunnery. He had plenty of that to take care of himself, and there was no time like the present.

When Dylan finally opted to return to the Normandy, it was more because he just didn't think he would enjoy being outside alone after raising hell with friends for hours on end.

Hours on end translating into 0200 hours may have had something to do with it. Still, there was a certain satisfaction in some down-time gone well, and he felt lighter on his feet for it, a little less stressed out. His plan of spending the remainder of the evening getting into Joker's pants had gone right down the drain when he'd lost track of the day, but there would time for that sort of thing later. It didn't need to be rushed.

Besides, his companions were entertaining enough to distract him as they entered the ship once the decontamination cycle had finished. "And the way he just stood there while you stole his shirt," Jacob was on the verge of breaking down in hysterics. "Ten, twenty seconds until he notices, I didn't know that was possible."

"All in the distraction," Kasumi answered.

Dylan followed them silently from behind, watching Kasumi's arm make its way around Jacob's back. He wondered if Jacob really noticed, but he didn't say anything. Wrapping his hand around the strap that held his ruck to his back, holding it steady, he just let the elevator take them down and watched them wander their separate ways, Kasumi taking the time to watch Jacob with one hand to her chin as he meandered into the bunk room. She had that look on her eyes that said she wanted to steal something.

Once she'd vanished into Port Observation, Dylan rounded the corner, intent on raiding Gardner's fridge for munchies. That he was met with noticeably awkward stares from Garrus and Devros at the table, and that they were there at this hour with Joker like it was normal, gave him pause. "What's wrong?"

All three of them looked him over. Cargo-shorts, like Joker had said. Sleeveless T-Shirt that had led to his arms getting sunburned as badly as his face, boots that he hadn't bothered to put back on held in the hand not keeping his ruck pulled close to his back. It was Garrus who broke the silence. "You're just," he paused again, as if thinking carefully, "Overdressed. I mean, you would be for either of us. With the heat, and everything."

"Obviously completely sensible for humans," Devros added. "We wouldn't be curious if we were human."

"Oh," Dylan shrugged, the pause while he was still lugging his stuff around causing him to realize how worn-out he was, his posture slumping a little. "Well, you wouldn't think so if Donnelly came back first."

Eyes narrowing, Joker leaned forward, arms crossed on the table. "Oh?"

"Yeah, he and Daniels hooked up with Alenko to go swimming with some asari one of them met. Worst swim trunks ever. It's pink," he let go of the strap, not caring as his ruck hung less steadily from his shoulder, putting his hand to the very top of his leg. "And just goes down to here."

"Really," Joker said, flatly. "Never would've guessed."

"Guessed?" Dylan noticed Garrus and Devros sharing a look, each of them shrugging in turn, and he gave Joker his full attention when they simply walked away with a nod each.

"Doesn't matter." Joker hauled himself to his feet, wincing as a joint somewhere cracked, fortunately the result of sitting down for too long and not something spontaneously breaking. "C'mon, I'll rub some lotion on the parts of you that have color all of a sudden."

Dylan liked the way Joker was smiling. "Yeah, that sounds good." His own smile betrayed his fatigue, but tired or not, Dylan was more then happy to stay up longer so his original plans could work out as he'd intended, now that he knew Joker was wide awake and willing.

Hell, he'd promised the crew a weekend planetside, and it was only Friday. Sleep could wait.