Girly Things
(Kasumi admits her crush on Jacob to someone.)

"It is so unfair!"

As Kasumi drops unceremoniously into the chair across from him, Dylan has to remember to chew the food in his mouth. He glances around, wondering if he should be suspicious of the mess hall's emptiness.

He waits until Kasumi settles with her arms crossed on the table with her head resting on top, her hood bunched up at the sides so much that's it looks floppy and depressing like what he can see of her face underneath. "Is...is something wrong?"

"I think I'm crazy," Kasumi sighs. "I can't stop drooling over Jacob like a high-school girl every time I see him." She lets that statement hang for a second before adding, "I haven't even gotten over Keiji yet. I still think about him twenty times a day. I haven't even decided if I want to stop that or not."

Hearing most of this, Dylan becomes fixated on the first part. "Jacob?"

The name alone perks Kasumi up a little. "Have you seen him?" She's smiling now. "He's so...focused and professional." She makes a little cat noise before getting to, "And those abs are to die for."

"Can't argue with that," Dylan picks up the energy drink that came with his MRE before slowly putting it back down, eying her cautiously. "Kasumi, do you have a camera in the men's room?" That he has his own shower makes him feel a little better about this possibility, but, still.

In the most innocent voice imaginable - made all the worse because the innocence sounds completely sincere - Kasumi answers, "No, in the armory." Before the pause grows overly awkward, she adds, "He does sit-ups there when he's bored. Shirtless situps."

"Kasumi," Dylan sighs.

"Okay, I'll turn it off," she goes back to the dejected, arms-on-table look. "I guess being a thief makes you a little less considerate of privacy. Well, obviously, but also when not stealing things."

Deciding that this isn't really that much different than the usual issues any member of the crew might bring to him in terms of being a problem to be solved, Dylan finally takes a swig from his energy drink. "If it helps, I know exactly how you feel."

Her eyebrows perking up under her hood, Kasumi says, "Oh?"

"Plenty," he nods. "Adolescence is hell when most of the people you're attracted to definitely aren't interested."

"That makes sense," she props her head up with a hand under her chin, leaning forward. "How'd you deal with it?"

"Uh," suddenly scratching at the back of his neck, Dylan looks around the room again, finding no salvation on the Normandy's bulkheads. "I enlisted and started wearing my Class-As to gay bars." He's leaving out plenty, like how this was his way of coping after losing someone important, but he doesn't want to talk about that. Besides, losing someone the way she'd lost Keiji was a lot worse than he'd had it getting dumped.

Not even blinking for a few seconds, Kasumi eventually laughs. "I'm surprised Joker doesn't brag about getting you to settle down," she says.

Relieved that she's amused, Dylan adds, "He does, just...mostly to me," he rolls his eyes ever so slightly. "Is that why you came to me about this? Joker would be the first to say I shouldn't be giving relationship advice, he just thinks my lack of interpersonal skills is endearing."

"You're not being fair to yourself." If Kasumi is giving any pretense that she's going to say something meaningful, it's destroyed when she says, "He also thinks you're..."

"Let me guess," Dylan stops her, "He thinks I have nice abs?"

"Among other things," Kasumi answers. "We had ice cream and compared you with Jacob a few nights ago. He seemed more comfortable when I admitted I'm not much for red-heads."

"Really." Resisting the urge to run a hand over the top of his head, Dylan mashes the balls of his hands into his eyes instead, enjoying the odd sensation of the prosthetics pushing back instead of feeling squishy. "Did he tell you to ask me for advice?"

"No, I originally thought of Miranda," she admits. "But that didn't seem very...safe, so I talked to EDI, and she said you'd be good to talk to."

"Really," Dylan repeats.

"Not sure if she thinks you need an okoge or if I need to be one," she shrugs, that look of innocence back in her eyes and shining through the shadow of her hood, "But for what it's worth, I'm enjoying this conversation."

"I've had worse conversations, I suppose," Dylan sighs. "Still, you'd probably get more help from Chambers."

"No way," Kasumi leans back in her chair. "Not that I don't talk to her about Keiji, but I don't trust her with normal girly things. If I talk to her about Jacob, she'll probably hook us up, and I'm still way too scared of actually giving it a go."

Seeing his chance, Dylan decides not to approach this from an angle about Kelly's likelihood of playing matchmaker and says, "You should at least mention to her you've got feelings for 'some guy,'" he makes air quotes, "Since she can't set you up with someone she doesn't know. That way you can talk to her about how having a crush makes you feel without having enough time to grieve."

"Hmm," Kasumi's head tilts slightly, "You've got me there, Shep. Guess I'm out of excuses." She stands up and stretches. "Still, I appreciate the talk."

"Anytime."

Dylan's smile is as honest as the one she'd been flashing; he'd taught himself a long time ago that his crew is his crew, regardless of how weird or downright uncomfortable their problems are.