Eight

Bella did not call Edward; she did, however, manage to skim the books Alice had left for her before getting ready for work. At work she thought about him and his lovemaking constantly. "What had she been thinking?" He was way out of her league, he had years more experience and a sexual appetite that was borderline deviant. Only now did she acknowledge the real root of her problem, only now did she realize why she had always felt unsure and undeserving of his attentions; he was obsessed with the woman he wanted her to be, not with who she truly was. In reality she was gauche and unsure, she had very little experience and as Alice had pointed out to her, she was more than a little bit ashamed of her sexual needs. She and Edward were never a fit, had they continued the affair, she would have always been his apprentice, his plaything, his fantasy; Bella the exotic dancer, never Bella Swan. Bella Swan was shy and awkward, she did not have her sister's "carpe diem" attitude about sex, she was careful with her heart and didn't want to ride the Edward Cullen roller coaster anymore.

That evening she left work at six o'clock with, Tyler, one of the prep cooks. Tyler was an aspiring musician; his job at Bon Vivant was just to pay the bills until he got steady gigs. They chatted about little nothings as they walked down the street to her car to load his drum. Tyler had impulsively bought some Djembe drums at the flea market over the weekend and had stored one at work until he could get it home. Bella was giving him a ride to the Bart. She watched as he put one drum in her trunk and ran back for something. Standing by the car, her mind on Edward, she was tempted to call him and tell him to come and pick her up. Almost without conscious thought she reached in her pocket and pulled out her cell and scrolled through her calls for the number. Within seconds Tyler was jogging back towards her and she replaced the phone back in her pocket; grateful that she hadn't given in to a momentary weakness. As they drove to the Bart, Bella's thoughts continued to stray toward Edward and she only absent-mindedly responded to what Tyler was saying.

Pulling to a stop at the station, she drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, while Tyler unloaded his drum. Her heart beat faster as she saw someone walk by in board shorts and an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt; memories of Edward flooded her brain; the way he smelled and tasted when he kissed her by the river. Just as she was drifting on a tide of sexual longing, a smiling Tyler stopped by her window and said, "So it's a date, then."

That brought her out of her reverie. "What? What's a date? I'm sorry did you say date?" She was confused, positive that she had misheard him.

"Yeah, you're coming to see me do my thing." He reminded her.

"Tyler, I'm sorry I wasn't listening. Do what thing, exactly?"

"These drums, me and the guys, next Saturday night."

"I must have missed something. Did you just ask me to go somewhere? My mind was
far away."

His smile faded slightly, his blue eyes looked hurt. "Yes, I told you I'm going to be playing in SanFran at The Dogpatch Saloon, next Saturday night at ten o'clock." He repeated patiently. "You said that you would come." His smile was hopeful.

"I did?"

"Yeah, about two minutes ago."

Bella stared at him, desperately trying to come up with some excuse to beg off, he frowned and scratched his chin as he waited. Finally, she gave in and agreed, "Sure, I'll be there. But it's not a date, date, okay?" His blonde head bobbed as he nodded, she smiled and waved good-bye. "How on earth did I agree to go out on a date with someone and not even realize it?' she thought to herself. "I need to snap out of it and get my mind off Edward."

Bella drove straight home, exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before, she didn't even grab a bite to eat; instead she went straight to bed. She was lolling in that twi-space between wake and sleep when she heard Alice come in. Her sister knocked on her bedroom door and Bella couldn't even muster the energy to raise her head, let alone tell her come in. She heard the door open and then close and she drifted into unconsciousness.

She slept like a log and didn't wake up until her alarm rang at ten a.m. the following morning. Alice was already gone and Bella rushed around to get ready for work. Thursday was always her longest day and for once she was not looking forward to teaching her belly dance class. She managed to get through work and class even though her mind kept drifting to Edward. Tonight, instead of driving home she made a right onto University Avenue and drove to the marina. She had no idea why, but she just wanted to see the Sophia, to make sure it was still there. She parked at the end of the parking lot, near a big bush and underneath a tree, she was trying to hide, she would be mortified if he caught her there."Who's the stalker now?" She asked herself, ashamed, but determined to satisfy her need for a quick look at him. She circled the path and walked back towards the dock across the way from Edward's berth, it was almost twilight and there were no lights on; the boat was eerily quiet. Edward was not at home.

Bella ran back to her car and drove home and vowed never to do that again, she felt like a criminal, an obsessed "ex", but for the hundredth time since Tuesday night she wondered where he was and what he was doing.

She skipped dinner again that night and went to bed and although she was exhausted, she couldn't sleep. "If only I was a drinker, I could forget him and all of this crap, drown it all in a bottle of wine." Instead she opted for a sleeping pill and the fan on full blast.

She slept through the night and woke up when the sun was about to rise. From her bedroom window she watched the glowing orange orb tilt over the jagged line of hills, and again wondered what Edward was doing. And then wondered when she would stop wondering about him. He was probably getting ready to go for a run, or showering. Pushing those thoughts out of her head she decided to read one of the books Alice had given her, she read until she heard Alice and Dave in the kitchen, making breakfast. Sadly, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

More than a week went by and she still couldn't get Edward out of her head. He was the first thing she thought about when she woke up and the last thing she thought about when she closed her eyes. And she thought about him every hour in between. That fact alone scared her. They'd only been together for a measly three days and she couldn't seem to get over him and his awful proposition.

The following Thursday morning she woke up, with Edward on the brain, still. She went into the kitchen to make some coffee. The owner of Bon Vivant firmly believed in celebrating Independence Day in a big way and it was closed for July third and fourth. The dance studio was also closed, no classes were scheduled as most of the families were going out of town. Today would be long and unpleasant, she would have hours and hours to think about you know who.

"Bella, you haven't called Edward, have you?" Alice asked as she strolled into the kitchen.

"Nope. No Dave today?"

"Nope. Why haven't you called him?"

"Alice I realized I needed to get out of it while I still had respect for myself."

"What do you mean?"

Bella said, "Don't go judging me again and calling me immature when I say this, but I don't want to be Edward's sex toy. I want to at least feel as though, in some respect, I'm on par with the person I'm sleeping with. And on every level we're not. He is more experienced, and more intense. I don't want intense, I want happy. And more than that, he has this warped idea of me that's not even me. So I just don't want to continue with this. It was exciting and amazingly eye-opening, but more than likely the cost would have been too high. I think in the end I would have ended up feeling used, and cheapened when he eventually discarded me."

"I won't judge you, sweetie. You have to do what's right for you. You're just not the type to have sex lightly. That's you. I understand what you're saying, perfectly." Alice was very supportive. "Just promise me to educate yourself a little and read those books, okay?"

Bella nodded. "I was reading another one this morning. Sex Without Guilt. It's much better than, Speak Up in Bed."

"I like Speak Up in Bed, it's my fave. But, yeah, Sex Without Guilt is good too. Do you want to go out for breakfast? My treat."

"Let's go to Bette's Diner, it's a weekday and it should be easy to get a table."

"Do you mind taking two cars? I'll take my car and you take yours, that way I can drive straight to work, I won't have to come back."

"Yes, of course, I want to shop on Fourth, anyway. I need my Sur Le Table fix."

Bella put on a long denim patchwork skirt which was slit up the front to mid-thigh, and buttoned the rest of the way. With it she wore her favorite homemade tie dyed tank top and Birkenstock sandals, and she topped it off with a colorful silk scarf, tied around her head and knotted to the side. She left before Alice, because she had to stop for gas. She parked in the lot and met up with her sister at the door of Bette's. Alice looked gorgeous in a navy pencil skirt and blazer and stiletto slingbacks. "We are the odd couple," laughed Bella as she compared herself to her sister, "corporate chic and hippy chick."

They were still chuckling as they walked to a booth way in the back; and as she followed Alice, Bella's heart started to pound and she stumbled and caught herself. Edward was sitting in the booth just before theirs, having breakfast with a blonde. His hair was rumpled and his clothes were crumpled, his eyes looked half closed as if he needed to sleep. He looked like he'd had a long night. Edward looked up and stared straight at her for a second then looked past her shoulder and shifted his gaze. He hadn't given even the slightest sign that he recognized her. His gaze shifted to his companion and he continued to eat and talk just as though he had never seen her before in his life.

Bella was caught way off guard, totally unprepared for seeing him so soon. She was even less prepared for his coldness, his brutal dismissal of her, treating her as if she never existed. Her mind whirled as she sat down opposite Alice, who was so preoccupied with talking about Dave that she hadn't noticed Edward, thank goodness. Bella would not have been able to continue if they had to talk about him. Edward wasn't jogging or showering or even thinking about her; he had already moved on to another woman. She brought the menu up to her face and pretended to be interested in the food but all she wanted to do was slap the shit out of him.

Alice asked for coffee and she did too. She put down her menu and looked at the back of his head. She got a clear view of his companion and recognized Katrina. "How disappointing, Edward," she thought cattily, "you didn't even get a new model, same old, same old." Kathy was pretty but not that hot, he could do better. "But then again, maybe she has special talents to make her a keeper." Bella was going to act as though nothing was amiss even if it took every ounce of willpower she had.

Alice talked about Dave, and gave more information than Bella would ever want to know about their sexual escapades. Bella talked about her upcoming date on Saturday night with Tyler, she may have been a little louder than she needed to be, but so much the better. The sisters ordered two big plates of eggs and pancakes, even though Bella knew that she would not be able to eat a morsel without gagging, she had to pretend everything was just fine. When the plates came she dug in with pretend gusto, she made yummy noises and laughed and talked to Alice just as though she hadn't seen Edward.

She was giggling about who knows what when Alice looked at her watch and yelped, "Oh my God, look at the time." She gulped the last of her coffee. "Bella, I gotta run, or I'll be super late. See ya." Throwing forty dollars on the table she rushed out as if she were being chased by wild dogs. Bella shoved her plate aside, she couldn't eat another bite; she sat and finished her coffee.

Crazy plans of violence and revenge were circulating in her mind. She really felt like the 'stalker ex' now. She imagined herself walking over to Edward's table and grabbing a handful of that woman's hair and pulling her down to the floor, and kicking her repeatedly, but she immediately shook her head and rejected that idea. Assault and battery was definitely an arrestable offence. Then she fantasized about following them when they left and just at the opportune time she would confront Edward and make a scene and tell Katie or Karina, or whatever the hell this chick's name was, about all his sordid fantasies and call him the vilest names. But no, no, no that was a stupid plan, it may backfire and she may come off looking like the crazy rejected lover. Then she imagined herself coolly walking up to the table and telling Edward that she left her favorite pair of panties at his place and that she needed it back as soon as he could get it to her, but she scrapped that plan too. By asking him for her underwear she would look like the worse kind of skank. It would look like she couldn't afford to buy new ones and a poor skank is beyond trashy.

She was just starting to cook up a fourth plan, when the other woman got up and gave Edward a long, lingering kiss on his lips and said, "See you soon." and left.

Bella seethed, staring at the back of Edward's head. From the back he looks a little like bozo, he should really get a trim, she snickered to herself. She spent many minutes on telepathically trying to make him turn around and look at her, but he didn't; he sat there cool as a cucumber, drinking his coffee. Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, she got up and went to pay the bill. She returned to her table and put the tip down. She went to walk past him, but instead turned and looked down at him as he sat there. Again, he had the gall to look beyond her, ignoring her as though she wasn't even there and in a sudden fit of rage she brought her hand up and slapped him with every ounce of strength she had. It felt so good to give in and hurt him but she had little time to enjoy it the feeling of satisfaction.

Edward's reaction was swift, he grabbed her wrist before it fell to her side and got on his feet. Every head in the place was turned in their direction, had been turned even before the echo of the sharp sound had diminished; the whole restaurant was silent. Edward's left cheek was red from the blow, yet he calmly walked towards the door with her wrist held tightly in his grip. He tossed the bill at the cashier and with his other hand he pulled some bills out of his pants pocket and threw them down on the counter. The cashier's mouth was slightly parted, her eyes flickering from Edward's reddened cheek to Bella's hand and back again. Bella could swear that the cashier spared her a sympathetic glance, probably because she'd correctly pegged them as the jealous ex and the snake. All this commotion probably took less than twenty seconds but there was still not a sound in the diner as Edward opened the door and propelled her outside. Bella was in quiet shock, hardly believing that she, good girl Bella Swan, had caused a public scene.

Something inside her had snapped and as soon as they were outside she started telling him exactly what she thought of him. She called him a user, a liar, a jerk, a deviant, a stalker, a sex addict, a man whore and a deceitful bastard, the words were just pouring out of her. All the while she was digging in her heels and twisting and turning her wrist trying to pull out of his punishing grip. He easily marched her around the corner of the building to the parking lot. Then he pushed her against the stucco wall, his body pressing up against hers, pushing all the air out of her lungs and he put his big palms to her cheeks and squeezed her face between both his hands.

He brought his face up close to hers, so close that she could see every individual lash, the flecks in his eyes, and the spit that glistened on his lips as he said through gritted teeth, "So what if I'm all those things, what has that got to do with you, you stupid, scared little girl?" He waited for her answer. She was looking at him with hatred in her eyes. "I've been honest, I told you what I wanted and you're disgusted by me, you don't trust me, you don't want me, so I've moved on to someone else who does. You're nothing to me now. No big loss." he sneered and his eyes were cold as steel.

The pain was sudden and real, it ripped through her heart just as surely as if he had stuck a dagger right between her ribs, and her hand came up and clutched her chest, tightly as if trying to stanch the blood. The tears came then. Her eyes welled up and he let her go like he was stung. He was still breathing hard as he stood there and watched her cry, but then suddenly his anger was gone and he used his thumbs to gently wipe away the two big teardrops that were running down her cheeks. Bella reached around his back with both arms, holding him to her and resting her forehead against his beating heart. She snuggled in to find his scent and sobbed softly, "Oh Edward, I don't hate you, I'm not disgusted and," she stopped and whispered quietly, "I do want you, very, very much. Almost too much to bear."

He held her and rocked her gently and calmed her until her sobs dwindled to the occasional sniffle. He spoke to her gently, "Then, Bella, you have to come to me. I'm not going to sweep you off your feet, like I did last time; I want you to come to me of your own accord, because you want me, all of me. I don't want you to make your choice in the heat of passion, but in the cool, quiet of reflection. And you have to accept that this will be an intensely passionate, very sexual, very intimate relationship. We're not cute, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend; we're a man and his woman, lovers, making each other happy, everyday." He unwrapped her clinging arms from around him, "If that's what you want come to me. You know where I live."

She felt him kiss her hair and then he turned and walked away. Defeated, Bella slowly walked to her car.