Eighteen

The next day dawned bright and beautiful. It was Sunday and Bella unpacked her suitcase and did some laundry. Alice had slept at Jasper's and probably would not be back until late, if at all. So Bella cleaned up her house. She couldn't wait to talk to Edward this evening, she kept checking her cell phone hoping for an earlier call. She hummed all day. The cupboards were bare and she strolled up and down the aisles of the grocery store, smiling and thinking of Edward. Bella was in such high spirits, she happily helped Mrs. Cope find the errant Mr Jenks.

She had just come back into the house when she got a call from Jake and his news wiped the smile from her face. Opening her laptop, she googled Edward Anthony Cullen and didn't learn much at all. What was Jake talking about? Then she opened the e-mail that Jake sent her, clicking on the link she started to read and she started to cry.

#

Edward and Gracie went to Sunday mass at The Church of the Holy Redeemer and listened to Father Brian's snooze-inducing reading of the Gospel According to Paul. Afterwards they walked, arm in arm through the churchyard to the small cemetary at the back. The day was beautiful, as it usually is in Hawaii, and they strolled down the avenue of tall palms to the two graves that lay side by side. Gracie brought some frangipani and gardenias and placed them in the vases.

"Do you ever think about him, Edward?" She asked as she pushed herself to standing, wiping her hands on her skirt.

"Every day." he stared down at the grave.

"What do you think he'd be like now, if he'd lived?" Gracie's eyes watered and she sniffled.

"It's hard to say, Gracie. We never really knew the extent of his problems. But I daydream of him sometimes. I imagine that he'd be playing with Lila Grace. Swimming in the pool like we used to do, or tearing around on a tricycle. He'd be turning four in October, so I imagine him asking questions and getting into messes and wanting to get a last drink or another story before bedtime."

"I dream of him too. Only I dream of him, dream of him, at night. I dream of him calling me mom, and kissing me and hugging me tight around the neck. Sometimes the dreams are so real, when I wake up I get so mad. I close my eyes tight and try to go back to dreaming." She choked back a sob and fisted the tears from her eyes.

Edward pulled her to him and hugged her close, his heart ached, squeezing in his chest

"It's so sad. And I'll never have that Edward. They took all my parts. And even if they didn't I probably wouldn't live long enough."

"Gracie please. Stop talking that way. You're not going anywhere."

"It's true Edward. Theyre chopping me into bits. They've taken my breasts, I've lost a chunk of my intestines, I have a colostomy bag, I go for dialysis three times a week. This is my second open heart surgery in three years. I've had two stents in the last year alone. I feel like I'll die on the table, with my ribs cracked wide open."

Edward looked up to the sky to keep his tears from falling. "Oh Gracie, why you? Why cancer? Why not me?"

She shook her head. "Why anybody Edward? You know what I realize? Dying sucks."

"Yeah it does."

"What I mean is the process sucks. Death isn't half bad, I bet."

"It is for those left behind. Gracie, I'm so glad that you asked me to come for your surgery, it means a lot to me that you want me here."

"I need you this time. I think it might be the " she drew her index finger across the throat "last one."

"Ahhh, Gracie, will you please stop it already. It'll be fine,nothing will go wrong."

They were quiet as Edward rubbed his hand up and down her back, trying to give her comfort and courage.

"You know what makes me sadder than me not having a baby?" Gracie said, skirting back to the issue of babies, which Edward was hoping to avoid. "Thinking that you won't either. I think you're afraid of going through it again or maybe you're punishing yourself..."

"None of the above, Gracie, none of the above. It just was never as important for me as it was for you."

"That's why I know there's someone out there for you. When you fall in love with her, you're going to want babies and everything, the whole nine yards."

"Gracie I fell in love, with you. Why do you keep talking like I didn't love you, or didn't love you the right way."

"It's not that. I never meant to imply you didn't love me enough. You loved me too much, maybe, I don't know. It's just that I think you and I have a special relationship. It's love but it's beyond that husband wife love. I feel that I'm like your guardian angel and that you are mine. I feel like I'm the other half of you. That somehow we were meant to be one and we came out as two separate people, and we've been trying to get back as one. I only know that I love you more than any one I've ever loved in my whole life."

"I love you that way too, Gracie." As he held her in his arms, his cheek resting on the crown of her head, he thought back on the road that brought them here, to this place.

#

Gracie never returned to Brown to finish her last year, instead she finished her studies at UH, and then got a job at the Honolulu Gazette. She wasn't hired as a journalist, like she'd dreamed of being, just a gopher; she was the one they told to "go for" everything, but she was happy being back home and being married to Edward, and she felt the career she wanted would be hers in due time.

Meanwhile, not only had Edward been promoted to detective on the force, a local literary magazine had published one of his short stories, tagging him as an 'up and comer' and "someone to watch for'. Their life was going well for the first three years of their marriage until Gracie accidentally got pregnant. They hadn't planned on it, but after the initial shock had worn off they talked. They both became excited and looked forward to the baby. Two months later, she had a miscarriage. A few months later they decided to try for another baby and she became pregnant again. This was followed by another miscarriage, then another, and then another. With each loss she became even more desperate to have a baby. No matter how Edward assured her that they had plenty of time, after all he was not yet thirty and she had just turned twenty four, she still desperately wanted to have a baby right away.

Edward tried his best to convince her that maybe now wasn't the best time; and that when the time was right it would just happen. He and Gracie got into terrible arguments, she accused him of not being supportive of her biological imperative and told him that he did not want to start a family because he was too self-centered and hated to share her attentions. He told her that she was looking for a distraction from her unhappiness at work, and he accused her of wanting to gut their income by taking time off to raise a family, when they weren't financially ready.

Nothing he said made a difference and she continued to fret, she was determined, she was almost frantic with desire for a child and eventually Edward gave in and went along with her plans, even though he felt no urgency to start a family right away. Together they tried everything; homeopathy, hypnosis, herbs and eventually Gracie endured the difficulties associated with hormonal treatments. After a year she managed to get pregnant again. She was put on bed rest so she would carry the baby to term.

#

If there is one thing Gracie would remember about that horrific day was the blue, the deep dark black blue, a sea of blue, stiff and stoic everywhere. The second thing is the pain of the loss; the loss of innocence, the loss of hope, the loss of a happily ever after. Loss, upon loss, upon loss.

As the organ music swelled and then died down, the droning voice of the priest took its place. "We gather together not to mourn but to celebrate. We, the people whom he loved and who loved him best: his wife, his children, his friends, his brothers in blue, have gathered here to honor a man who was a man above men. George Komure's flesh may no longer breathe with life, but do not doubt that he continues to live, for he lives on in each and every one of us..."

Gracie had to shift a little, the pressure on her lower spine was excruciating, but try as she might, she could not get comfortable. She peered around Edward, seated immediately to her right at the end of the narrow pew, to look at those seated across the aisle. Carlisle, a mirror image of Edward, also dressed in his dark navy police uniform, next to him was Esme in a black silk suit, then Carly and finally Evan. Carly turned her head and gave Gracie a sad smile, before dabbing her eyes.

Her mother's hand tightened around the fingers of Gracie's left hand, and she turned to look at her. "Are you okay?" Her mother asked in a scratched whisper.

Gracie nodded, blowing her nose and dabbing at her eyes."Just a backache, the baby's head feels like its pressing on my lower spine."

"...He leaves behind his wife of thirty years, Elizabeth Cohen Komure. They met in high school, she was a cheerleader, he was a running back, a match made in yearbook heaven." The gathered politely chuckled. "But they were more than the stereotypical jock and his girl. They were high school sweethearts who stuck together through good times and bad, an example to all of us, of what it means to be a loving couple. They had thirty wonderful years together and he leaves his children, Augustine' Gus' Komure and Gracie Komure Cullen, behind to carry on his legacy. Gus, like his father George, is a dedicated officer of the HPD..."

Gracie moved again trying to find a comfortable position and Edward grabbed her right hand. "Gracie, what's wrong?"

"I think it's Braxton Hicks." she whispered.

"How often do you feel it Gracie?" his eyes were concerned, looking for her face to register the level of pain.

"Every five minutes, but only for the last twenty…" she said before he interrupted.

"Let's go." He bent forward and reached across to talk to Auntie Liz and Gus, who was sitting on her other side. "Auntie, Gus, I think Gracie's having contractions and we should go now…"

"No, Edward, it's just a false alarm… oh, my God, what is that? Edward, I think…"

At that moment, her water bag broke and Edward immediately picked her up in his arms and carried her down the aisle, heading out of the church. Gracie heard the hushed exclamations and peered over Edward's shoulder, to take one last look at her father, as they moved farther and farther away, everything became a blur of navy blue uniforms stretching endlessly as far as her limited vision could see.

#

None of the doctors could tell her why things happened the way they happened. Her blood pressure had dropped dangerously low, and by the time the ambulance got her to the hospital, little Reuel had been born into the world, and she was nearly unconscious. Hours later, when she had come to, Edward was crying. He told her that the baby's first apgar score was two out of a possible ten. He suffered terminal bradycardia, and could not breathe, he had to be resuscitated. When it was taken again, his apgar was six. Their baby was very sick.

Gracie remained in the hospital for four days before she was released, but the baby remained in the NICU for two weeks; Edward and Gracie practically slept there. She couldn't bear to leave her little baby; she looked with envy and hatred at the other moms. Why did they get to go home with healthy infants? Why not me? What did I do wrong? The questions hammered in her brain. Everytime she looked around she would see another lucky mom carting home a new baby, like a stuff prize that they were carting home from a carnival. Fat sleepy babies in brand new car seats while Reuel's car seat sat unused in the back seat of Edward's ultra-safe Volvo.

In those two weeks the doctors ran test after test, they had no answer for the devastated parents. The baby's SAT levels were low, but the doctors couldn't say why. They were in limbo. Finally they were told that his left lung was not inflating all the way, because of a paralyzed left diaphragm. He was moved out of the NICU, and into the regular pediatric unit. After twenty long days, they got to take him home on oxygen.

For the first time in a long time, Edward saw Gracie happy. Having given birth to Reuel Anthony Cullen, Gracie relaxed into being the mother that she had aspired to be. Life was good. Reuel required therapy, his whole left side was weak, the doctors posited that it may be cerebral palsy, but they couldn't be sure. Surprisingly, Gracie took the news in stride. "He's strong, he'll be fine." she reassured Edward. Her days were devoted to Reuel's special care and she had no desire to go back to work and she put all her energies into the baby, Edward and their home.

A year before, unbeknownst to Edward, Gracie had sent some of Edward's short stories to a friend from Brown who was now working at a publishing company. Shortly after Reuel was born they'd heard back from the publisher and Edward's short stories were included in a collection of crime fiction that the company was publishing. Edward signed with a literary agent who also put him in touch with a television producer. Gracie was on cloud nine, excited about the baby and excited about Edward's writing; it looked very much as though they were going to live their dreams.

Early one afternoon Edward and Gracie were snuggling, having finally found some time for themselves as the baby napped. Esme called and as Edward was on the phone with his mother, Gracie went to the nursery to wake the baby from his nap. Edward heard the heart wrenching screams as Gracie ran into his office with little Reuel in her arms. The baby was eerily still and pale blue. Edward tried CPR, he yelled at Gracie to call 911, but even as he worked he knew it was too late. His little lungs had collapsed, Reuel was only four months old when he died.

They buried Reuel next to Gracie's dad. Auntie Liz hugged Gracie and told her that Reuel and George were smiling and happy up in heaven. Gracie said nothing and walked away. They grieved the loss of the baby separately. Edward never imagined that he could be in such pain. His heart ached and he missed the little squirming bundle of chubby arms and legs. He missed the gurgling laughter, the toothless gums and the smell of his soft little guy. His arms ached to feel the warm weight of his son again, but he couldn't even begin to imagine the unfathomable grief that Gracie felt. She never spoke to him about Reuel, she never spoke to him at all. It was like living with a ghost.

Many months went by and she became more and more withdrawn and depressed. In an effort to move on he suggested that they donate the crib and the baby furniture and turn the room back into a guest bedroom. She leapt at him and started to tear at his clothes, it took all his strength to contain her flailing arms and kicking legs. Her knotted hair was tangled over her eyes and her cheeks were bright with exertion when he finally had her wrapped in his arms on the couch. Through clenched teeth and tightened jaws she called him a cruel bastard and told him that she would always hate him. She accused him of not loving the baby and accused him of only loving himself. That night she moved out of their bedroom and started sleeping on the little divan in Reuel's nursery.

She was always silent and always tearful; never leaving the house, not eating and barely able to dress herself. Family and friends came over whenever they could, but Gracie did not, could not, respond to their efforts to draw her out of her deep depression. She wouldn't even make the effort to go to the therapist that he was seeing and finally her doctor put her on medication, but Edward still worried about her.

That morning he spoke to Gracie, as she lay in her bed. He remembered seeing her curled up on herself, her hair a tangled mess on the pillow, her face gaunt. Her eyes were sunken and deep dark circles gave evidence that she had not slept well in many weeks. He would only be gone a short time to the grocery store, he told her and as he tried kissed her, she turned her head.

On his way back from the store, traffic was excruciatingly slow. Up ahead he saw the gathering of people by the side of the road. His heart thumped in his chest and he felt the dread of knowing that someone was dead, even before he saw the wreck. He moved to the shoulder and came to a stop at the side of the road, hoping to help. Almost instantly his knees buckled as he recognized Gracie's gold car, even though it was a crumpled mess. Eyewitnesses were talking around him and he vaguely registered what they were saying; that "she had sped up" before slamming into the Banyan tree. He rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital, hoping and praying that she wouldn't die and leave him all alone.

She had internal injuries, and severe head trauma, as they worked on her she suffered a stroke. Miraculously, the doctors saved her body, but the injury to her brain was severe. Days went by and they all hoped that she would wake up. She was breathing on her own, but that was all.

Days later Edward found a note on top of the baby's dresser. It was written in a trembling scribble and he knew that Gracie had left it for him. Short and simple, she had written "Goodbye. Please take care of my Mom and Gus for me. Tell them I love them and that I'm sorry."

Edward was angry at her for leaving him. She hadn't mentioned in her goodbye note that she loved him and he knew that it was not an accidental omission, it was done deliberately. She had stopped loving him when their baby died, she blamed him.

And he blamed himself for ruining her life. Everything was his fault.

He'd made her leave Brown, and as a result she'd given up what could have been a great career. He didn't even help her when she needed him most; when she spiralled downward into depression, he had become impatient and irritated with her, hoping she'd snap out of it eventually, he only gave cursory effort to getting help for her. He was a selfish bastard, Gracie had made a mistake when she'd chosen him. And he promised himself, if she made it through, he would cherish her and take care of her for the rest of her life.

#

"Edward?" Gracie stirred and pushed out of his arms to look up into his face.

"Hmm?"

"Do you forgive me." Brown black eyes, piercing silver ones.

"Gracie, I forgave you the moment you woke out of that coma. I told God if he gave you back to me, I would never, ever hurt you again."

"Am I still your best friend?"

"Yes, Gracie you are."

"Then would you tell me what's bothering you?"

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"It might hurt you."

"It won't."

"Gracie, my job is to protect you, even if its from me. I've taken care of you forever. From you were born I've felt responsible for you, I can't explain it. It's like I felt if I didn't take care of you, you'd be gone, float away; so I had to fold you into my arms to keep you safe."

"You can't protect someone from life, you know. Maybe I was supposed to float away, and be a memory. Maybe you kept me alive beyond my time."

"No, Gracie. You were supposed to be mine forever. And I fucked up. When we got married, I became the person ultimately responsible for you, the person who was supposed to do the best by you. But I was such a selfish prick, I took everything you gave and gave nothing back. I know if I had been the one who was suffering from depression, you would have saved me. I did a horrible job of taking care of you; I almost lost you and all of this comes from that. All you are suffering is because of me."

"You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. What. Happened. I was. I drove the car into the tree, Edward, not you. I ruined so many internal organs its a miracle I made it. You didn't do anything wrong. You were suffering too, we both were. But now we're fine, we've forgiven each other and we're back to where we were. But before I die, I want you to know that you should go on. Live a long and happy life without me. But I'll be your guardian angel, watching out for you, waiting for you in heaven."

Edward was openly crying now, as was Gracie.

"I don't want you to die." he sobbed.

"Open yourself up to loving someone, Edward. You need to LOVE and be LOVED."