A/N- t&a- I know we say this A LOT, but it doesn't make it any less true, You all KICK ASS. Seriously. If there were an award for best readers, you all would win.
A couple of quick things….. there is a thread on twilighted and some fantastic people play over there, so go take a look
http:/ tinyurl . com / 2ed8pr9 (remove spaces for link)
Also whatsmynomdeplume was nice enough to lend her time and eyes to me for my chapters (bpov). I needed the help, believe me! She also created an AMAZING blinkie that will be up on my profile soon!
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music
And it breaks my heart
Fidelity- Regina Spektor
I wonder if I will ever feel at ease as I stand in front of this door. If I will ever feel light and free of nerves. I shift my heavy bag up further on my shoulder and knock. There's no reason for me to feel this way. I've been inside this door countless times, spent hours, nights here. But that one moment, that one stray kiss keeps my walls up, my defenses ready.
The locks click open and I wait to see one of two familiar heads of bronze hair. But yet there's blonde. The girl in front of me smirks like she knows the horrible scenarios already running through my mind.
"Uh, I'm here to see Finn," I state. She makes no effort to speak or answer any of the questions swirling in my mind. Tiny footsteps echo on the wood floors and my legs are suddenly surrounded by small arms.
"Issybella! I did not know you were coming to see me. Daddy said I had to play with Kimber," Finn exclaims. I reach down and pull him into my arms. I ease past 'Kimber' without waiting for an invite.
"I didn't tell your daddy because I was coming to see you and I didn't know your cell phone number to call and tell you," I answer. Finn smiles and shakes his head. I take a moment to be amazed by how much he resembles Edward, the only real difference being the tiny metal frames resting on his nose.
"I don't have a phone, Issybella. Kids don't have phones," he lectures me. I nod solemnly, taking my lesson from the three-year-old.
"Ed didn't say anyone was coming by," Kimber's voice breaks in. I had almost forgotten she was here. I turn my eyes towards the door, where she is now leaning against a wall. I set Finn down and smile as he runs towards his room saying something about Gryffindor.
"I didn't call. I just figured that he had to work tonight and had Finn, so I thought I would help out," I answer. She looks mildly offended by my answer, which makes me want to leave. Once again, I reminded how little I really know about Edward and his life. She walks towards me slowly and stops close enough for me to feel the need to take a few steps back.
"That's what I'm here for," she spits. I swallow and wish I hadn't loaded my bag with everything Harry Potter I could find at the dollar store and had stayed home to continue to lie to Alice about what's going on in my life.
"Issybella!" Finn runs back into the room, wearing what I think may be Edward's robe. He stumbles and almost trips, but then recovers. I wish I had his balance. He skids to a stop in front of me.
"Look! I found a wizard coat in Daddy's bathroom. I think he was hiding it from me," he states. I laugh and kneel down to his level, tying the sash around his waist.
"He probably didn't want you know that he likes to pretend to be Harry too," I say. Finn nods earnestly.
"Did I hear right? We have company?" Edward enters the room still rubbing a towel over his wet hair and the action twists my stomach in knots. He was in the shower with 'Kimber' here.
The peroxide queen makes her way to him and presses up on her toes, offering her lips to him. My whole world stops in that moment. I can't watch this again and yet, I can't tear my eyes away. Edward turns his face away and she makes contact with his jaw. He casts his eyes down to her and mumbles something that makes her face go sour. He gently pushes her away and makes his way closer to me.
"If I knew you were coming I wouldn't have had Kimber come by." He smiles as he crouches down next to Finn and I. He reaches forward and runs a finger down the side of my face.
"Hi," he breathes. He pulls me to my feet and fits his hands around my hips before brushing his lips over mine slowly. I can hear Kimber's sharp intake of breath from behind him.
"Hey," I answer. I detach myself from him, not wanting to make Kimber feel anything like I felt that day. Even if she does look like she belong at a frat party where the theme is 'bros and hoes'.
"Daddy, can Issybella play instead of Kimber? Kimber only likes to play hide and seek and then she never finds me," Finn pleads. Edward smiles at his son before turning to Kimber.
"Looks like you can go, Kimber. Sorry about that," he states. She opens and closes her mouth several times before glaring at him. She storms around the apartment, gathering her things and slams her door on the way out.
"Slamming doors is not nice," Finn states and I can't help but laugh. He looks up at me puzzled and I can't stop laughing long enough to explain.
"I might need to find a new babysitter," Edward sighs.
"I'm sorry if I ruined that for you. I should have called and told you I was coming over. I just thought I could help and I didn't know you had someone who watched Finn," I sigh. Another thing for him to worry about. The last thing I wanted to do. I didn't realize how many things can go wrong, awry in a story. Especially a story where you've given over control to a child and his man-child father. But it's better than a laundry list of events repeating, day after day. I'm starting to thrive on the change, the uncertainty.
"No, we're glad you came. Aren't we, Huck?" Edward replies. Finn launches himself at me again and I'm almost thrown on my ass.
"Issybella, are you gonna read Harry Potter with me? Or are we gonna make more cupcakes? Or we can play hide and seek and I'll find you," Finn rambles. I grab my forgotten bag and sit on the couch.
"That's a lot of things, Finn. Why don't we pick just one for tonight and maybe next time we'll do another one?" I offer. I peek at Edward as I deliver my compromise and he grins back. And just like that I feel a little lightheaded. Not fair.
I want to ask him about the blonde who just stormed out, I want to tell him that he is not allowed to kiss anyone else, but I won't. I won't because I don't want to do anything to push him away. I can't go back to the laundry list.
"Read, read, read!" Finn decides and he's off to his room again. No wonder kids sleep like the dead. I watch as Edward wanders through the apartment, shoving toys into corners and tossing dishes in the sink.
"Is that okay? If I come by and watch Finn?" I ask because he gets to decide. All the power is in his hands. But I put it there so I can't loathe it too much.
"Only if we get to play out the babysitter fantasy," Edward answers. I swallow and dig through my bag, busying myself with play wands and hats I brought. Even though I don't know what that fantasy means to him, my 'goodies' folder has taught me a little about that.
"Um, well," I stutter. He's joking. He has to be. For my sanity, he has to be.
"Ready!" Finn's voice saves me from any embarrassment and I smile as he crawls into the couch in a pair of footed pajamas. I pull him into my lap. His face lights up as he reaches for the plastic imitations on the table.
"Wow," he breathes. I chuckle.
"I'm gonna head down. You two okay?" Edward asks. I look up at him and nod. He's standing in the open doorway and as much as I don't want him to leave, I need time with the smaller, harmless Cullen.
"Bedtime is eight-thirty and don't let the munchkin tell you different," he calls as he leaves. He shuts the door and I feel a little sanity returned to me. I look down at Finn, who is pouting, no doubt in response to the mentioned bedtime.
"We have so much time before bedtime. Enough time for a quidditch match," I assure him. His face transforms and I am glad, for once, that my penchant for books rather than people is finally paying off.
"Really?" he asks, reverently. I nod. He snuggles into me further and I swear to God, my heart flutters. There is something in the blood of these men.
"Do you want to read out here on the couch… or do you want to have a slumber party in your daddy's bed?" I ask. I know that I cheated with the wording, but I selfishly want to feel closer to the man downstairs.
"We can't wear shoes or eat cookies in Daddy's bed unless he says so," Finn informs me. I laugh and toe off my shoes. I gather the book and a couple of the toys from the table. Finn takes off for his dad's room and I take my time switching off lights. And there's that feeling. The comfort, the ease. It was just waiting for the lights to go off.
I enter Edward's bedroom to find Finn under the covers and lecturing Walt and Nemo.
"No, doggies. No dogs on Daddy's bed. You stay on the floor." I chuckle and crawl into the bed next to him. He instantly curls into my side and I'm a little overwhelmed. This little boy is amazing. By all means, he shouldn't be this happy, this well adjusted, but like everything involving Edward, he defies the odds.
"Issybella, are you my friend?" Finn asks. His words make my chest contract. I shift a little so I can look down at him. His eyes are wide and a replica of Edward's. I reach down and push the metal framing them back into place.
"Yeah. Of course, I'm your friend. That's why I came to see you," I answer truthfully. Maybe in another life, we were the same age and our story came together in a more typical way. I'm sure it's looked upon as odd that I count a three year old as one of my favorite friends.
"You're my friend more than you're Daddy's friend, right?" he presses and I chuckle a little. I wish I knew what I was to his father. That it could be as easy as the conversation I am having right now. I flip the book open and press my fingers to the page.
"I'm both of your friends. Can I be both of your friends?" I ask. He purses his lips in thought before nodding fitfully and pressing further into my side. I begin to read and am almost distracted constantly by Finn's reactions, his face rising and falling with every scene.
Slowly, the words melt together and everything becomes a little hazy, between the fictional story, the tiny warm body next to me and my constant inner turmoil over the man downstairs and his errant lips. It feels like my story is in limbo, without a certain classification. I had always wanted my story to have a happy ending, not be a continual mystery.
My eyes feel heavy and my body even heavier. I move towards the tiny source of heat next to me, but it is suddenly pulled away. Panicked, I shoot up . A hand covers my shoulder.
"Shh, Bella, it's just me. Easy, baby," Edward whispers. I take a deep breath and relax back into the pillows. My heart is still slightly racing. I blink several times, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. The book is heavy in my lap and I can feel a plastic wand under my back.
I sit up and push the unwelcome objects to the floor. My movements remind me of my jeans and I lift my hips to shimmy out of them. By the time I settle back under the covers, Edward's form darkens the doorway.
"How was work? Did you cure the world with beer and vodka?" My voice is hoarse with sleep and I swallow a couple times to try and make it go away. He toes off his shoes and shoves his jeans off, leaving a trail of clothing in his wake. The weight of his body bends the mattress and I willingly move towards the dip.
"It sucked," he sighs. He reaches for me, wrapping himself around me. "Being stuck downstairs while everything I wanted was up here."
His words bring forth that familiar tingle. He runs his nose up my neck and presses his lips to my ear. I sigh and push myself impossibly closer. I tilt my head down and breathe into the crock of his neck before running my lips along his collarbone.
"It's not fun being an adult. Sometimes, we have to work and do things we don't want to. It can't be all Harry Potter and cuddles," I answer.
"I can do without Harry, but I really like the cuddles," he says as he chuckles. I smile into his skin and feel his legs nudge between mine. I shift, trying to make his movement easier. He tenses briefly before settling.
"You took your pants off," he breathes. My breath catches because I didn't even think about it. I just didn't want to sleep in jeans. I know better than to try and pull away from him, but suddenly a heat rises between us.
"I can put them back on if you want," I offer. I can't help but smile with my words. He doesn't answer, just pulls me tighter, closer. I snake my arms out and tangle them into his hair, running my fingernails along his scalp. A shiver works its way through his body and it makes me grin. Sometimes, being in control feels really good.
"I'm sorry I made things awkward between you and your babysitter. Or whatever she was. I was just trying to help," I say. I figure this is s a good time to bring this up, while he's at my mercy. He sighs and nudges my neck again with his nose.
"Things are always awkward between us. She wants to fuck me," he supplies. Like it's not a big deal, like it happens every day. It probably does. I can't hide the tension that creeps through me with his words, even though I want to because I know he can feel it.
"Fuck you or fuck you again?" I mutter. Because I am a glutton for punishment. His hands reach around me and palm my ass, pulling me into him further and I can feel him, parts of him I haven't really been introduced to.
"I would've never hired her if I had fucked her," he states. And I nod, grateful that he answered. Knowing he didn't have to, that I wouldn't have. I ease my hands from his hair and simple cradle his face.
"I'd like to come hang out with Finn when you have to work. If that's okay with you. We have big plans." Because I am almost as attached to his child as I am to him. I can feel him smile into my neck.
"Of course that's okay." I feel relief pour over me. Not that I thought he would say no, but hearing yes always feels so good. My hands move back into his hair and I readjust my position, pressing my forehead to his so I can see his eyes.
"So, same day next week?" I ask. His brow twitches and he hesitates. His tongue darts out to wet his lips.
"I'm going to be away next week," he answers. The wind is knocked out of me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself if he's not here. Even when I'm not with him now, I know he's here or downstairs or somewhere I can be. I bite my lips hard, trying to keep this emotion from surfacing on my face.
"Oh. Okay, well then the next week, I guess," I stammer. I shift my face back into his neck, trying to avoid his gaze and being discovered. I'm being ridiculous.
"It's only for a couple of days. Finn's going to be with his mom," he offers. I nod against his skin, but stay hidden. So I'll be alone. My story will be a solitary one for a few days. Nothing I haven't done before. It's a scenario that lines too many of my pages.
"Well, have fun, I guess," I grit out. I don't mean it. He shifts, making me even more aware of him and everything becomes a little raw.
"Well, that's the thing. I was actually wondering if you'd be able to take off from work to come with me," he offers. My head shoots up, narrowly missing his chin and I look at him, wide eyed.
"Yes." The word falls from my mouth at an alarming speed. His eyes light up with amusement and he smirks.
"That was quick. Don't you need to ask your boss or something?" he teases. I roll my eye and trail my nose along his jaw. I smile when his breath falters.
"You don't even want to know how many vacation days I have saved up," I reply. I nudge my knee forward and graze his dick and I feel his whole body convulse. I repeat the action and he groans a little.
"Please don't start something you're not going to finish," he heaves. I pull one hand from his hair and trail it down his torso slowly, taking time to appreciate every shuddering breath he lets out. I let my fingers linger at the waistband of his boxers and take a deep breath, steeling myself against my nerves.
I know what this means and I know I am the one crossing this line. No further words or commitments have been given, but I'm hearing things in the words he's not saying. Hearing things in the way he looks at me, touches me and I want to reply, with actions.
"I'm not teasing," I answer firmly before running my hand down and over his shaft. He hisses and presses himself into my hand.
"Oooohhh shit," he breathes and flexes his hands, which I forgot were on my ass. I press a little harder, gripping him through his boxer briefs. My heart is racing and I slide my eyes closed, wanting to just feel.
"That's it. Just like that, baby," he encourages. I let his words spur me on and I remove my hand. He grunts his disapproval, but quiets down when I reach inside his boxers. As inexperienced as I am, I know how to do this. I grip my hand around his soft skin and move slowly at first, getting a feel for him and his heat.
His hips twitch and he presses his dick more fully into my hand, so I grip tighter and bring my fingers all the way to the tip, running my thumb over the head and spreading out the moisture there. The look on his face has me mesmerized, the hooded eyes, the slight pout to his lips as he pants softly.
"More?" I ask, because I love hearing him ask, hearing his reaction to me. He thrusts into my hand and grips my ass even tighter.
"Don't stop," he hisses. I turn my body to face him completely and cover his lips with mine as my hand increases speed. I let him pant into my mouth and I twist my hand and pull a little. I reach my other hand down and squeeze his balls and he arches forward into my touch. I am consumed by the feel of him under my feeble control. The noises he's making, the natural draw of his body to mine, I'm addicted.
I increase the pressure of my hand and stroke his tongue with my own. The taste of him familiar, comforting, like my favorite flavor of ice cream. His breathing increases and I can feel his body tense against mine. I slow my hand down, wanting to prolong the experience. He groans in protest and I take the moment to occupy his mouth and tongue.
One of his hands rises up my back and twists under my shirt to grab my breast. I groan into his mouth this time around and he smiles. I speed everything up and he tears away from my mouth.
"Shit," he hisses and I squeeze a little harder. He palms harder on my boob and I bite my lip to keep my own noises at bay. I want him to be the star of this moment, for his pleasure to be the focus. His hips thrust against me and then everything tenses and my hand is coated in warmth.
Even his hand is slack on my boob. I lean forward and kiss his slightly parted lips over and over, hoping to revive him. From this close to him, I can feel his racing heart slow as his lax body begins to move to grip me close to him again.
His eyes open and he grins at me, big and lazy. I smile back, loving that I made him feel good. His head tilts towards mine and I open my mouth to him instantly, letting him probe my mouth with his tongue.
I suck on his tongue a little and taste a slight tinge of alcohol. I don't even realize his hands are covering my boobs until he squeezes them both at once, tearing a moan from me as my back arches into his touch.
"That felt so fucking good." And I grin because even though the answer is written on his face, I need the reassurance. He squeezes again and my back arches. I think there might be a string from my boobs to my spine. His fingers roll my nipples and I swear to god, my lips are going to suffer abuse if I am going to stay quiet.
He chuckles a little and one hand dips down stroking my stomach for a second before lifting my shirt and tracing the lace edge of my underwear. I suck in an involuntary breath and my eyes shoot open to meet his. I can see the question there, him not wanting to cross that line and I simply lean into his lips again.
His tongue slides into my mouth at the same moment his finger presses into me and damn if he doesn't feel so much better than my 'finger and toys'. His lips become more insistent as he slips a second finger into me and my hips buck against his hand.
His digits twist and bend inside of me and it's all I can do to not squirm away from his touch as the pressure builds faster than I thought possible. I can't help the cry that slips from my mouth into his when his thumb nudges my clit. He leans into me further and presses again.
Everything about this moment has me in overdrive. Just the idea of him finally being in this scene, giving me this pleasure, isn't something I thought would be part of my story.
"That's it. Let it go, baby," he urges and his words only help increase the build. His thumb rubs more insistently and I feel like I'm falling off a cliff.
My legs twitch and tense and he bends his fingers once more before my hips lift off the bed and a strangled moan falls from my mouth. He doesn't stop until my body goes slack against the mattress. He presses a slow kiss to my lips and slides his hand from my out from lace and cotton.
"That was really sexy," he whispers into my ear, kissing the shell softly. I let out a shuddering breath and run my nose along his jaw. His hands grip my back and rub up and down slowly. I feel soft, relaxed and so content, it should be illegal.
He pulls away from me and I whimper without thought, missing his warmth.
"Be right back, baby. There's nothing sexy about the mess in my boxers," he says as he chuckles. I watch him as he walks away and disappears into the bathroom. I hear water running and bury my face in my pillow. I stretch my legs and feel the residual tingle run through them. It's never felt this good.
He flicks off the bathroom light and I feel him sink into bed next to me. He turns me slightly before easing his hand back between my legs. One hand lowers my boy breifs while the other rubs a warm washcloth over and between my legs. I moan a little at the touch on a still sensitive spot, but kiss him softy when he looks worried.
"Thank you," I breathe when he pulls away. The rag is tossed expertly at his dirty clothes hamper and then he wraps around me again. My eyes feel heavy with pleasure and exhaustion.
"I think we waited too long to do that," he sighs. I nod into his neck and pull back a little to turn. I press my back into him and relax. Tomorrow, I'll think about what this means for my story. Tomorrow, I'll worry about the other heroines in his plot, but for now I want this. I want him.