Nineteen
Edward left several voicemails for Bella on Monday, but she never called him back. On Tuesday, he drove Gracie to her dialysis appointment and worked on his laptop as she underwent the procedure. For those four hours, while he was working, his thoughts often strayed to Bella. He wondered what she was doing, and wondered why she wasn't calling him back.
He texted her: Bella, miss you, so much, please call me. Anytime.
He had been so busy with Gracie, he had been a little relieved that Bella hadn't called. But now he was getting worried.
Early Wednesday morning, just before they left for Manoa Hospital, he called Bella again. Only this time, he was told by the tinny robotic voice that the number was no longer in service. Then and there he knew that he had no need to worry, she was avoiding his calls. At that moment however, he had more pressing concerns, Gracie's bypass surgery was scheduled for eight o'clock. He carried Gracie down the stairs to the waiting sedan, Carlisle and Esme were sitting in the front, holding hands. Gracie had always been like a second daughter to them, and in the last three years, since she'd been living in their house, in Edward's old bedroom they were even closer to her. Their hands were not linked romantically, but clasped in a shared prayer.
Edward tucked Gracie in and went around to the other side to get in. He hauled her to him, tucking her to his side, running his hands down her slender back.
"Gracie, don't worry, I'll be right there the whole time."
"I know, Edward. You've never let me down."
He could have argued that point, but let it go, for he had let her down many times before. However, this was not the time for that discussion, this was time for looking forward with hope and faith. When they arrived at the hospital, Auntie Liz and Gus were already waiting.
"Edward, man, it's so good to see you." Gus clasped him in a warm hug.
Auntie Liz, had already enfolded Gracie in her embrace, cheek to cheek, heart to heart. She looked over her daughter's shoulder and gave Edward a watery smile, holding out her left arm to include him. He walked into the arms of his mother-in-law, feeling her love.
Auntie Liz kissed Gracie's cheek and then his. "I'm so happy to see you two like this. Like old times."
"I've missed you so much." Edward whispered.
"I know, I've missed you too. "In a matter of moments the nurse came for Gracie, and took her into pre-op. They all stood there, staring at the door, like an audience at a play, each one of them sending up a tiny prayer for the best possible outcome. Eventually though, they sought chairs, settling in for what would be a vigil of many hours."
Edward sat by the windows, looking out onto the still quiet street, the day had not yet begun for those lucky people whose existence did not include waiting for a life hanging in the balance. His laptop was open, but his eyes were not seeing the screen, instead they were seeing hours and days and weeks of time gone by.
Carlisle and Esme came over, "We're going to get coffee and something to eat, what would you like us to bring?" his mother asked as her long fingers stroked his cheek.
"Just coffee, thanks."
"No appetite?"
"No." He shook his head.
Alone with his laptop and his thoughts, he continued to think, alternately praying for Gracie, and brooding silently when his thoughts ran to Bella and her disconnected phone. After a few minutes, Auntie Liz came over and sat in the chair next to Edward, and took his hand between both of hers.
"Cold hands, warm heart." She smilingly observed, then looked in his eyes. "She looks so much better since you've been back."
"She looks beautiful." He whispered.
Auntie Liz nodded. "How have you been?"
"Worried. Happy. Sad. Worried. I'm just glad she asked me to come. I thought she'd never ask to see me again." He said quietly, shifting his eyes to the trees outside the window.
"It's not that she didn't want to see you, it's just that it's hard on her to see you crying and so afraid all the time. I think it makes it more real for her."
He smiled sorrowfully, and shook his head. "I know. I'm like the grim reaper. Last time I came she yelled at me asking me to save the waterworks for when she's dead. This time I've really tried not to cry in front of her, I haven't been one hundred percent successful, but I haven't broken down yet."
"Gracie has always been this way Edward, you know that. She doesn't want people to fuss and worry over her, she wants to be the fusser. And she hates to see the worry she's causing. It breaks her more than her illness does, partly because she believes that she has brought this on herself and on us."
"It wasn't her doing, it was mine." His voice hitched in a near sob.
"Oh here we go again. It was life's doing, Edward. Just like Gracie's not to blame, neither are you. We all tried to help her. None of us, none, thought she would try to end her life."
"I should have anticipated it." He said shaking his head, reliving the memories of a depressed Gracie.
"You're not able to read minds, Edward. Don't beat yourself up."
"And the way I dealt with her afterwards. God, I was so weak. No wonder she asked me for a divorce. I couldn't even look at her without bawling like a baby. Some days, I just couldn't function, I would sit by her bed, crying and telling her that I hated myself. When she came home from the hospital, I couldn't hold her, even though she begged me to; she was so fragile and broken and I was so afraid of hurting her." He said feeling like a failure all over again.
"I'm like that too. I cry all the time. That's why she's chosen to stay over at your parents' house instead of coming to live with me. She couldn't bear my constant crying and smothering, it wore her down. Carlisle and Esme are much less prone to breakdowns. Your mother, in particular, has a gift for giving unconditional love. As long I've known her, she's been warm, caring and open hearted. Did you know we met when we were both pregnant with you and Gussie?"
"Yeah, I've heard many times how Gussie and I were friends before we were born." Edward was eager for lighter conversation, glad to shift his thoughts from Gracie and Bella.
"But do you know how we became friends?" Liz smiled
He shrugged and looked at her inquiringly. Auntie Liz's face was more animated and she looked years younger reminiscing about a happier time. "No," Edward said, "I assume through Dad and Uncle George."
She nodded, "We were nodding acquaintances, we had seen each other at different functions, but that's not how we became friends.
One day, I came out of the supermarket and Esme, your mom, hugely pregnant, was loading groceries into a homeless woman's cart. She had bought a bag of canned goods and a can opener, and she was trying to get the lady to go to a shelter. The lady refused and Esme promised her that if she came back the same time next week, she'd buy her another bag of groceries. When the lady left I asked her if she was a social worker.
She said no, but she just couldn't let this woman go hungry. The next week I came back to the supermarket and she was there helping the lady. She did that for weeks until the lady trusted her enough to follow her advice and go see the worker at the shelter. By then I'd fallen in love with you mother."
Edward nodded in agreement. He smiled at the thought of his mother's generous spirit. "She's good at selfless love and making people happy, I'm not. I didn't inherit that trait."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I think, Edward, because you and I feel guilty, we can't function well around Gracie. I know my guilt is unfounded, that there's no reason for me to feel that way, but I can't rationalize it away. When I see Gracie, slowly dying, I feel so guilty for being healthy. I feel as though I should be the one dying, I'm her mother, I should go before her. That's the natural order of things, the way it should be.
And I should be able to do something, fix it, fix her, and I can't, I'm helpless. This isn't a scraped knee or a fever, it's beyond my mothering. So I turn to prayers. I can't tell you how many times I've begged God to take my health and give it to her, take my strong heart and my undiseased body. I'd gladly die, if it meant my Gracie could live one day without pain, if she could know one day without death looming on her horizon."
"I know. I would give up my life for her, too."
"You have given up your life for her, from what Gracie tells me." Edward's head snapped up and his grey eyes narrowed.
"Nope. Gracie's got a bee in her bonnet, she wants me to move on, but what does that mean exactly? I live, I eat, I work, I play, I have friends."
"You don't love." She shook her head.
"Auntie, you can't seriously expect me to fall in love with someone, while Gracie is dying!"
"I think it would make her happy knowing that you'll be whole when she's gone. That you won't just drift through life without finding love again."
"I can't love someone again, I don't want to. Loving a parent or a relative is easy, but I've learned that loving a wife and child is unbelievably hard. Giving affection, and showing them love, that's the simple part, but it means nothing if you can't take care of their needs. Your life, your happiness is wrapped up in theirs, and if you are unable to make a good life for them, or unable to make them happy, then your life is crap. That kind of love can be cruel."
"It may seem that way, but the rewards are there. If Reuel had lived, you and Gracie would have known unbelievable joy. There would have been difficult times, no doubt, but there would have been wonderful times as well. You suffered a tragedy, you have known only the downside. The truth is whenever you open your heart, you open yourself up to the possibility of loss. I lost your Uncle George, and it was unbelievably hard to lose him, but I don't regret opening up my heart to him. And I'll lose my little Gracie, way too soon, but I've loved every moment with her. Even now, when I see her smile through all her pain, my heart is overwhelmed with joy. Edward, loving is living. If you don't have one you don't have the other." Auntie Liz, caressed his cheek.
Just then Esme and Carlisle returned, not only with coffee and breakfasts, but with Carly in tow. She gave her big brother a long hug and spoke into his ear. "How're you holding up?
"Holding on to hope. And you?"
She moved out of his arms and tossed her long reddish blonde hair behind her, dresden blue eyes wearing the same worried look as his. "Same. I wish I could have gotten here sooner, but I had to take Alex and Lila Grace to day care. How did Gracie look this morning?"
He smiled thinking about her. "A little tired, a little scared, a whole lot beautiful."
"Gracie, will always be beautiful, no matter what happens. She shines, it comes from love Edward."
"Edward, can you come with me to the chapel? Gracie asked me to give you a message, while she was in there. Please?"
Carly led the way down the cool blue-grey corridors, Edward followed, puzzled by the Carly's take charge attitude. They slipped into the small high-ceilinged chapel, which was no more than a softly lit room, with smooth shiny wood walls, brown carpet and a few small benches scattered around. No one else was there. They sat side by side on a bench under a modern sculpture of a mother and child.
Carly came straight to the point. "She wanted me to tell you this, now, just in case she doesn't make it. She thinks if she dies, you'll think I'm just saying this to alleviate you of your of guilt. And if she lives, she wants you to know what to expect from her."
"What is it?"
"As you remember, she asked you for a divorce the last time you were here, a couple years ago, and you wouldn't sign the papers. You refused, saying that you wouldn't because you promised to take care of her for the rest of your lives. You also told her that you were worried because her health insurance is through you and if her status as your wife changes, she may not be covered."
Carly paused, she was nervous, avoiding his eyes. "She told me that, at the time, she felt controlled by you, so she told you that she would agree to stay married to you under one condition. She needed the health insurance coverage, so she agreed only if you gave her space and only come to see her when she asked you to."
"Yeah, and I've stayed away, until she asked mom to call me. So what is this about?" Edward was still puzzled, surprised at how much Carly knew of their talks about divorce.
"Well, Gracie called the insurance company and found out that her insurance can continue even if you're divorced. She can continue on COBRA, so she petitioned for a divorce, citing your absence from the state and your lack of contact. She did not ask for spousal support. The judge reviewed and the divorce was granted in May."
Edward had paled and he leapt out of his seat and hovered over Carly, "What? You're lying."
Carly shook her head, "No, I'm not."
He ran his hand agitatedly through his hair. "Why would she do that Carly? I only wanted to take care of her. Why would she divorce me? And behind my back. Did she accuse me of abandoning her? Is that what the courts think? Is that what you guys think? She told me to leave. She refused to live in my house with me or go with me to LA or New York."
Carly reached out and tried to touch his arm but her shook her off. "Oh Edward, we all know that. None of us think you abandoned her. We all know exactly…"
"Well how could you let her get away with this? You condoned it! And none of you told me. None. Of. You."
"You would have fought it Edward, and Gracie wanted it." Carly said quietly.
"Why?" he turned to her and snarled, his eyes shiny with tears. "So I can be free to "move on"? What kind of bullshit is that? Tell me are you going to move on? Is Gus? Or mom and dad? We can't move on from this. None of us can."
"Edward, Gracie asked you for a divorce before the accident. She asked you three times and each time you refused to sign the papers."
"Of course I did. She was not in the right frame of mind. Have you ever thought of what would have happened if I divorced her? She wouldn't have had any health care. We still had medical coverage from my time on the force, that's why she made it through. Now I've gotten even better medical coverage she would be well taken care of no matter what happens. COBRA expires, it doesn't last forever. What's going to happen then?"
"We all know Gracie's prognosis. You are the only one in denial, Edward. Gracie probably won't make it to next year, much less three years."
"I. Don't. Believe. That. She'll make it."
"Why, Edward? Because you say so? Please don't make this harder on her. Accept the time we have with her as a gift. And when it's time let go."
"That's easy for you to say." His voice was bitterly accusing.
"No, it's not. It gets harder every time I say it, because with each day it gets closer. You don't own her. You're not the only one who loves her, you know."
"I know I've been closer to her than any of you have, but now you cut me out."
"We know that Edward. But I've had my own experiences with her. Things you didn't have. We talked about boys and had pajama parties and heart to hearts, and training bras, Gracie belongs to all of us. And when she's gone we'll all lose her, not just you."
"I know that, I'm sorry."
"She's made her will. Mom is her executor."
"Mom? Why not me?"
"Edward, she's letting you go. You have to let her go too."
"That's not possible."
"She told me what she told you when she asked you for a divorce. She told you that, after Reuel died, she hated you, she blamed you, unfairly or not. After she recovered from the accident, she came to accept that you weren't at fault and that she had faulted you because it was easy to have you shoulder the blame for all her lost hopes. But even after recognizing that her hatred was unfounded, try as she might, she couldn't love you the same way she used to. She had hated you for so long, that the love she had for you was burned away in the months of anger. She couldn't go back to feeling how she used to."
"I don't think I felt the same way about her either, how could we? But I love her enough to want to be there for her to lean on. She wouldn't let me even do that." Edward said bitterly, feeling powerless now that Gracie had shut him out of her life.
"I think she will now. That's why the divorce means a lot to her. She wants her best friend to lean on, not a fake husband, going through the motions because he feels he owes it to her."
Edward sighed and closed his eyes, "Carly, would you mind if I told you that I need to be alone?" She nodded and hugged him tight, then got up and left. Edward sat staring at the crucifix, feeling pilloried himself.
#
It was Saturday morning and Edward had just come back from seeing Gracie at the hospital. She was in her third day of post op recovering, and in good spirits, looking forward to coming home on the following Tuesday. It was now a week since he'd heard from Bella and Edward gave in and he called her at the restaurant, it was Saturday and he knew she would be at work.
The instant he heard her soft voice on the other end of the line, his heart swelled with hope and an emotion he couldn't identify. The same feelings of excitement and possibility that he had on Saturday, the last day he saw her, instantly came flooding back. It was as if the nightmare of the last few days never happened. "Hello?" her voice was wondering, hesitant.
"Bella, what's going on? I've called but you haven't called me back." Edward hoped against hope that she had lost her phone.
There was a long silence and then her voice came low and raspy through the phone, "I can't use this phone for private conversations…"
"Call me right back on your cell then."
"I don't have your number anymore."
He quickly gave her his number. "Call me, I'll be waiting."
He waited for her call, it took more than a minute and he started to pace the floor of his parent's living room. Finally his phone rang and he answered. "Bella?"
"Yes?" she sounded oddly impatient.
"What's going on? Why haven't I been able to reach you?"
She was quiet for a long time and then she started to speak in a clipped tone. "I got rid of my old phone, I have a new one. Edward, please don't call me again." She went on. "I really feel that it's best that we don't see each other anymore."
"What do you mean?" For a few seconds Edward had a hard time figuring out what she was saying and then wondered if he was hearing her right.
"I don't have a lot of time right now, to talk, I have to get back to the kitchen, so I'll make this quick. Having an affair with you has been a huge mistake, a really bad decision. I don't want to hear from you ever again. Okay? Got it?"
"What the hell are you saying? Why?" his head was spinning.
"I've had time to think about what happened in New York. I should have left after the first argument. As a matter of fact I should have ignored you at the diner and considered myself fortunate for having had the good sense to recognize you for what you are. You are a lying, scheming, self-centered ass with a sick and twisted soul. And I regret every moment I ever spent with you. I feel so stained that I don't think I'll ever look at a man the same way again. You are the epitome of the kind of man every mother warns her daughter about. And I was stupid beyond belief to ever take up with you. You are a monster."
His heart was pounding and his head was getting tight, as the rest of his world came crashing down. He rubbed his forehead. He barked into the phone. "I don't know what's going on inside that head of yours, but we will see each other again. Do you hear me? You're not going to end this and blow me off with a phone call. And I don't know how things can change so much in such a short time, but when I call you, I want you to answer the phone. Goddammit. Do you hear me?" He was roaring.
"I won't." She was adamant. "This is it. I don't want to see you or hear from you ever again."
She couldn't possibly mean what she was saying. He couldn't lose her. "Bella, Bella, please don't do this to me. Please, I deserve better than this." He begged. "I deserve an explanation. This is crazy. When I left you, everything was fine. We made love. You wanted my shirt. You said you would call me."
Her voice was softer as if all the energy was gone. "I don't have to give you a better explanation, that's all I have."
"I'll call you next week."
"No! I said not to call me. If you keep calling me here, I'll quit."
"No, don't. I won't call your job. Bella, I'm sorry, whatever I did I'm sorry. Please , please listen to me, talk to me.
"I don't talk to lying jerks anymore. Goodbye."
Edward threw the phone into the wall and it splintered into pieces. He turned and saw Esme standing in the doorway behind him.
"Edward, what's going on?" His mother was staring at him, her eyes were concerned.
"Nothing, mom, absolutely nothing." He sighed and sat down on the couch, leaning his head back and covering his face with his hands. He was so tired.
"Who were you shouting at?" His mother became even more worried because of his obvious distress.
"I don't want to talk about it." He just wanted to be left alone to think.
Esme sat next to him on the couch. "It sounded like a woman on the other end. Edward, what's going on?"
"She's someone I've been seeing."
"Are you two serious?"
"I don't know what to call it. I put her off for so long. I didn't tell her much about my life, nothing about Gracie, I didn't want to get serious. But we've been getting deeper and deeper into it and just when I decided that maybe it could be more of a relationship, she called it off."
"Maybe it's for the best. You need to take your time. His mom reached for his hands and squeezed them. Her kind grey eyes, which were so much like his, looked into his. "I know you're tired but you will mess up any relationship you might have now. I know the divorce came as shock. But, you're angry, angrier than I've ever seen you. It wouldn't be fair of you to pull someone into this right now. Give it time."
His voice was hoarse. "Time is what I don't have mom. There is someone whom I could love, who I think could love me. I don't feel that I should wait. Why should I wait and lose another chance at happiness?"
"How do you know she might love you? Has she told you so?"
"I know. I just know." He knew Bella was half way in love him. The way she made love to him that last morning in New York told him all he needed to know.
"Edward, I didn't want to bring this up, but when you came home you had scratches and bruises. I hope that you aren't mistreating this woman. Maybe she is afraid of you and goes along, that doesn't mean she cares."
"She cares for me. She does. And she is not afraid of me. Believe me she gives as good as she gets. She's feisty. I can't make her do anything, even though I've tried. The bruise was just a misunderstanding." He paused, "Mom, I don't want to be mean or disrespectful, but this is my decision, not yours."
"Fine, you're old enough to make your own decisions, I know that. But no matter how old you get, you'll always be my son, and I'll always be your mother. You know that I'll always want what's best for you."
"Yes, I know mom. But I'm sorry, I'm not going to follow your advice and give her up. I need to see her, but she may not see me."
"Just let me say two things. One, a woman can't truly love you if she is afraid of you. Two, you must tell her everything. If you don't and she finds out from someone else, she'll never forgive you."
After his mom left him alone he thought about what she'd said. She was right. He did have to admit that lately his anger was always very close to the surface. Often that anger was directed at Bella. When she didn't bow to his will, he became angry and forceful.
He remembered back to the time at the marina park when she wouldn't accept his offer of the trip to New York. He used everything in his arsenal to make her come to him. He knew it was too soon, that she would prefer to wait, but he needed her to want him as much as he wanted her.
He thought about the scene at the diner when he forced her to come back to him. It took every bit of his willpower to be cold and dismissive. He had seen her face at the diner when their eyes met. She was devastated and he reveled in it. When he made her cry, he felt triumphant, knowing she had given in.
Then he went over the whole horrible scene when she showed a preference for Jake's company over his. He couldn't bear the thought of her wanting to be with anyone but him. Not even her tears stopped him then. He wanted everything she had, every emotion, every thought, to be focused on him and only him. And when she made love to him so passionately, he knew she was his. Her body belonged to him and only him.
And on the phone just now, when she told him that she no longer wanted to see him. Instantly he had felt such an overwhelming desire to make her, to force her to take back every word of her rejection. He was tempted to fly back immediately and make love to her until she couldn't say no to him. But he realized that the hold his lovemaking had over her only lasted as long as he was with her. When he left her she would start to question their relationship all over again.
He would have to give her the time she needed. Even if that meant that he was risking her choosing to never want to be with him again. The decision must be hers and hers alone. He would step back and let her decide.
His anger was overwhelming, beyond his ability to control. He lashed out at her, and tried to force her to bend to his will. Was his anger scaring Bella away? Or was his anger just a response to her pulling away from him, he could no longer be sure, which came first. It seemed to him that she might be having doubts because he was so volatile. He vowed to himself to never try to force her again to do anything against her will.