Twenty One

As she sat not drinking the coffee in front of her, Bella decided that even though she wanted to insist that Edward explain himself, maybe the book signing was not the best opportunity to seek those answers. The possibility of them engaging in a scene like the one at the diner was real, for she wanted nothing more than to hit him, and hard. Her penchant for violence toward Edward disturbed her; she'd always been level-headed but since his advent in her life that had changed. It would be fair to say that she had cooked up some pretty nasty revenge scenarios in her mind in recent weeks. He had certainly wreaked havoc on her normally calm demeanor.

Her mind made up, she wanted to, needed to speak to Edward alone, just in case. The book signing would start in less than a half-hour and she could either speak to him now or afterwards. Thinking sooner rather than later would work to her advantage, she returned to Cody's, and caught sight of Edward perusing books in the non-fiction aisle.

He looked up just as she approached. "I need to speak to you for a minute." she told him.

His eyes narrowed and he nodded. "I'll be finished here in a bit." He took the books up to the register and asked the cashier to hold them. Bella waited off to the side, arms crossed tightly over her chest, right foot tapping nervously. When he moved towards her, she nodded to the door and they exited the book store. He looked so irritated that she started second guessing herself, wondering if this was indeed a good idea after all, but her need for answers outweighed her fear of his reaction.

As soon as they got outside she turned to him. "I only have one question for you." But she proceeded to ask several. "Why have I been seeing you around recently? Why were you waiting outside my studio a few weeks back? Why did I see you at the fair in the park? Are you following me?"

He crossed his arms and his lips tightened into what could only be described as a smirk. "I could ask you the same thing. Why are you here at this book store? Are you following me?" His face gave nothing away as he looked down at her.

Bella sputtered disbelievingly, thinking that he had nerve to accuse her. "Of course not! I had no idea you'd be here, I just happened to come in today, looking for a book I need. But you know where my studio is and you know the nights I work. I find it hard to believe that you "just happened" to be there." How had he turned the tables on her? He was the obsessed one, not her.

"Once again, I could say the same about you. I have a book signing here that's been advertised for at least two weeks, and has been scheduled for months. I find it hard to believe that you "just happen" to be here now." He was slick all right, she thought to herself. But she was determined to get her answers anyway.

"You know what? You're a little too old to be playing these petty little mind games with me. Answer me. What were you doing outside my studio?" She wanted to yell in frustration, but she settled for calm and cool.

He heaved an impatient sigh. "I met a friend for coffee, who happened to suggest that coffee shop since he lives around the corner from it. Do I need to give you a signed affidavit from him?"

"No."She did not believe him, not for one minute, but she was sure he would be able to provide a written statement if needed. "And the fair?"

Yet another bored sigh, indicating she was wasting his time. "I went to a street fair on a weekend afternoon. This is a small town, I see people that I know every day. What's your problem?"

Suddenly she took two steps forward, bringing her face within inches of his; surprised, he stepped back. "I'll tell you my problem, Edward. I know you were sitting in your car outside my house, at almost two o'clock one morning not too long ago. I saw you." She hissed.

The way his lashes lowered, she knew that he had been out there that night, he was attempting to hide his guilt. "Are you sure it was me?" he countered, cocking his head to one side.

"I wasn't before, but I am now." she said certainly and stepped back. She had gotten one answer.

"Well, then, I shouldn't even bother disputing it since you're so sure." he shrugged.

She wanted to know why, why was he doing this? "What's going on? Are you stalking me? Trying to frighten me? Control me? To what end? So I can despise you even more than I do now?"

His face tightened as his jaw clenched. The anger flashed in his grey eyes, turning them so cold that she almost recoiled in fear. "I couldn't care less about what you think of me," he sneered dismissively. "Your opinion of me matters just as much as that person." He pointed to an elderly man walking down the street. "Or that person." He pointed to a young woman riding her bicycle. "Ultimately whether or not you despise me won't keep me up at night." He jeered. "You are nothing to me. In a few months I won't even remember your name."

Bella gasped at the icy contempt in his scornful remarks, her chest squeezed, and the small bit of hope she hadn't even realize was still in there, crumbled to dust. "You know what? You're a piece of work, that's what you are. I wonder who fucked you up so much that you can stand there and talk to me as though I'm nothing. As though I'm lower than the sole of your shoes. I cannot even imagine the kind of screwed up family you come from, that has given you such piss poor values. And I can honestly say that I feel pity, so much pity, for your poor wife and your son. They deserve better than a cheat and a liar who leaves them for months while he chases the next skirt. You are disgusting. You are lower than low. You are not even a man, you are a snake, full of venom and toxins. You poison everyone you touch, and I'm grateful and relieved that I found out before you had the chance to poison me."

She turned sharply on her heels and walked away, leaving him standing there; she didn't look back, she couldn't look back. Her eyes filled with angry tears as she strode down the street; she didn't even realize until she reached the end of the block that her car was parked in the other direction. She was trembling with reaction; she had never confronted anyone in that manner before. Even her traumatic break up with Chris, hadn't been this vitriolic and frightening. She was shocked by the depth of her anger. She understood now what the term 'crime of passion' meant. In that moment, when he sneered down at her, she had wanted to kill him.

As she turned the corner her knees almost buckled and she sat on the edge of a huge planter, grateful for its solid presence. Resting her sweaty palms on her jean clad knees, she absently noted the trembling of her legs, and she wished she was alone at that moment. What she desired most was to just curl up and howl her pain out to the world. She whispered into the cool breeze that swept her hair across her face. "Why, God, why? Why have you done this to me? Why can't I just feel nothing for him? Why is it whenever I see him, I remember how good it could be." After a few minutes of deep breathing and concentrating on relaxing her body she was able to get up and walk a circuitous route back to her car. All the way home she prayed for the sanctuary of an empty house, a quiet place where she could just rest.

#

As Edward watched Bella walk away, he stood there frozen. Her words resonated in his brain and left him pale and shaking. Sweat broke out above his upper lip and he staggered a little. All he could think about was getting to a sitting position before he fell down. A wave of emotion so powerful hit him and soon he was tumbling in the wake of the tsunami. He made it to the coffee shop, and asked for water.

"Sir, are you okay?" the concerned barrista asked as she hurriedly past him a glass.

He swallowed it in one go and nodded. "Just a little over-heated." He replied.

He slumped down into a chair and folded himself onto himself, suddenly feeling small and vulnerable. Bella knew nothing about him, yet she knew so much more than he himself did. In an effort to keep her at arm's length he had purposely kept his past a secret, he seldom talked about his family, and of course he had never mentioned Gracie. It was obvious now that Bella had found out about her and his son. If it weren't so tragic, he would laugh at the irony of it; here he sits a cheater who isn't even married.

Without quite knowing how it happened, he had come to regard Bella as his last hope; she was the buoy that would save him from the thrashing seas of the tragic storm his life had become. When he was with her, he could forget for a while.

Beautiful in her wrath Bella had stood in front of him, her cheekbones hectic with color, and that lovely mouth spitting fury at him. He'd never seen her look more desirable, and he wanted her so badly, hoping against hope that somehow she would want him again. But when he looked into those golden eyes flashing with disdain and dismissal, and when she said she despised him he knew he had lost her.

In that moment he had wanted to hurt her, cause her grief to mirror his own. So he told her that he cared nothing for her and what she thought about him, hoping to open a wound in her as deep as his own.

He was mightily shaken when she responded in the way that she did, her appraisal was so flawless and so thorough that it hit him with the force of a blow, a knockout punch. She may have been wrong in her suppositions about his family and Gracie but she was dead on when it came to his behavior. What hurt him most was admitting to himself that his behavior did not give proper homage to the wonderful family he came from, they did not deserve the kind of person he had become, and Bella made him see that most clearly.

#

The phone rang several times before a sleepy voice answered, "Hello?"

"Bella?"

"No. You have the wrong number."

"Wait, wait don't hang up. Who is this?

"Who is this?

"Edward. Bella, Isabella Swan, called me from this number, about a month ago."

"Oh. This is Summer, a friend of hers. She must have borrowed my phone."

"It's urgent that I speak to her. Do you have her number?"

"Yes."

"I really need it. I have to speak to her tonight."

"I'm sorry, I can't. She asked me not to give it to anybody."

"Please? It's important."

"She's trying to avoid a guy. Sorry I can't give it to you." The line went dead.

#

Later that night, Bella was lying in her dark bedroom, the slightest sliver of moonlight peering through the long window. Ear buds spilling beautiful haunting blues from her favorite artists, eyes closed, humming along to I Wonder followed by Trouble in Mind she thanked God for Aretha.

If she hadn't been cocooned in her world of musical solace, Bella may have heard her phone ring. Summer's call to warn her that some guy named Edward was trying to get in touch with her, went to voicemail. So Bella had no warning of what was to come, no time to prepare her defenses.

A persistent knocking sound caused her to pull one of the earpieces out and listen. Sure enough, there was a knocking at the door. Thinking that Alice may have forgotten her key she walked through the darkened house to the front door. As she neared she turned on the porch light and through the frosty oval glass of the front door she could see that it was not her sister.

"Who is it?" she asked in a voice that sounded a lot more confident than she felt.

Before she heard his voice she knew who it was. "Bella, it's me, Edward. Open the door, please?"

Why was he here? Round three? Was he trying to drive her crazy? Sooner or later he would. "No. Please go away, now." she shouted to the shadow on the other side of the door.

"Don't be afraid of me, Bella. Please? I won't hurt you." He started to plead with her. "Bella, I just want to apologize to you and explain and then I'll go. I promise you, I'll go."

He would hurt her, she felt it deep inside, maybe he wouldn't mean to, but he would, just like he'd done before. She had to protect herself and her sanity. Near to tears, she choked out her answer. "I'm sorry, but no. Please leave." And she turned off the porch light and went back to her bedroom, hoping that he got the message. She put the buds back in her ears and the volume up all the way.

She let a tear or two slip out, but she was determined never to cry over Edward again. She listened to her music and let it lull her into near sleep. It was almost midnight when Alice came knocking. Being Alice she flipped the bedroom lights on and off rapidly, when Bella didn't answer the rap on the door.

"What is it?" she asked, still in the fog of heightened emotions and lovely blues.

Alice pulled a bud out of her ear, "Bella, sweetie, you have a visitor."

"What?" she tried to shake herself out of the fog of music she'd been in for the last few hours.

"Edward's at the door. He says that he came hours ago and that you refused to let him in. He's been waiting on the swing."

"I don't want to talk to him. Tell him I said to go away."

"He wants to "apologize" for this afternoon and "explain" everything."Alice used her index fingers to indicate that these were Edward's exact words, the roll of her eyes showed her disdain for him, even though she was pleading his case to Bella. "He begged and I promised to deliver the message. But I'll tell Jasper to tell him to go away, if you don't want him here."

"I don't want to speak to him again. Ever."

"He said you ran into him earlier today getting ready for his book-signing and you accused him of stalking you."

"I wouldn't quite put it that way. I've seen him three, maybe four times in the last few weeks and so I asked him if maybe, he was stalking me. He claims that it's a coincidence, but come on. I'm not buying it."

"Well what's the harm in giving him a chance to "explain", I'm dying to hear a good fairytale."

"Alice, I don't think this is funny at all. I'm so tired of it and of him."

"I know, I'm horrible, but I'm curious. How is he going to "explain" stalking and a wife and kid that he didn't tell you about?"

Bella snorted, "I don't even want to know."

"Look, Jasper and I are here. We'll make sure he leaves after the "explanation and apology", so maybe you could have some closure. Hmm?"

"Fine. But you will be in the room at all times, okay?"

Alice clasped Bella's hands, "You got it."

The first thing Bella noticed when she entered the living room was that Edward looked like shit. He had that drawn sunken-eyed look that she'd noticed that first time at the airport. For some reason he looked greyer, older and more tired than she'd ever seen him. He sat on the sofa with his elbows resting against his knees and his fingers clasped in front of him, talking to Jasper. He stood up as she came to a stop a few feet in front of him, Alice close by her side. His voice had a soft raspy quality as he spoke. "I thought you deserved some answers and I wanted to give them to you in person, since I can't reach you any other way."

"I got my answers this afternoon, thank you. I don't need anything else."

"Maybe this is more for me than for you, but I'd like to say it and go. I waited around because I probably won't have another opportunity. I'm selling the Sophia and I won't be coming back to Berkeley in the foreseeable future."

Her stomach took a dip at that news. She half turned to her sister, but her eyes were fixed on his face. "Alice, would you give us a few minutes alone, please?"

Alice stared open-mouthedly at Bella as Jasper grabbed her by the elbow and marched her into the kitchen.

Bella sat down in the armchair nearest the fireplace, facing the front window and the sofa underneath it, she gestured for Edward to sit back down. He seemed stuck for words and was silent for quite a bit.

"So. What do you want to tell me?" She prompted him, wanting an end to this endless nightmare.

He cleared his throat and said "Up until this past May, I've been married. She divorced me, I didn't divorce her, I wouldn't have. Ever. We were married eight years ago, but our marriage ended three years ago with the death of our son."

Bella took in a shaky breath and said "Oh, Edward I'm so sorry." She felt like a bitch. Only that afternoon she had mentioned his wife and his dead son. Oh God. Why did Jake send her that article? It was so inaccurate.

Edward shrugged as if her apology was of no consequence and then he continued. "Her name is Gracie. Almost four years ago we had a little son, Reuel. He was born with some left side anomalies; paralysis of his diaphragm, delayed gross motor skills, left eye deformity. Had he lived he probably would have been diagnosed with cerebral palsy." he shrugged "But he didn't, he died at four months old, when his lungs gave out and he stopped breathing." He took a deep shuddering breath and went on.

"After that, Gracie suffered from deep depression for almost a year, she asked me for a divorce and I told her no. She cried a lot, said she hated me a lot. I hoped she'd come out of it and we would have what we used to have."

He stared down at his interlocked fingers. "You see, Gracie was mine, from the time she was born. I felt that she was born for me, I couldn't let her go. I just couldn't. But she could. One day, she got up and got dressed and drove her car a half mile from home and then slammed into a tree. I hoped it was an accident, until I found the good-bye note she left for me." Breath in and breath out and then he continued.

"It wasn't her fault, she just couldn't go on after our baby died. I couldn't make her happy enough to make her want to stay, so she decided to leave me." Edward paused to wipe the tears that were running down his cheeks.

"She was in a coma for almost a week and I got down on my knees and prayed to God that she wouldn't die. I wanted another chance, to do better, to give her everything I hadn't before. She survived, she came out of the coma. She'd suffered minimal brain damage and a stroke and it affected her walking and her speech. But just a little. She can't walk far and she drags her left leg. Her speech is a little slurred, but not much and she can communicate very well."

His voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "But she had terrible internal injuries. One pelvis was crushed, countless ribs broken, her liver damaged beyond repair, and her intestines were torn. During her recovery, she asked me for a divorce again, and I told her no. She thought I should move on to someone whole, someone who loved me. I tried to convince her that her damaged body was still beautiful to me. I wanted to try and love her and make her love me again. The way it used to be."

Tears fell from Bella's eyes. She didn't know what to say to Edward. She wanted to hold him tightly in her arms but she was unsure if he would let her. Instead she wiped her tears and listened some more.

"She said she no longer loved me but agreed to stay married, if I would leave her alone, and that's why I left Hawaii. I didn't want to leave, she asked me to. She used my absence and she got a divorce."

For the first time Edward looked Bella in the eyes and she could see the hearbreak and sorrow written deep in his soul. "Bella she's dying. In addition to all she has gone through, she also has a bad heart. That's why I went back. She asked me to come for her surgery. She doesn't have much longer. I love her very, very, very much. Not the way I used to but more. She is my best friend, my angel, my saint. I think about her every single day, and I will think about her every day for the rest of my life." He paused to fight back the tears. Bella was quiet as Edward searched for the words that he wanted to say.

"Bella, I have many, many regrets about Gracie. I could have been more understanding, more involved. I was grieving too and I guess it was easier for me if she didn't want to share her grief, so I allowed her to close up. I should have been pushier, less accepting as I saw her drifting away. I let her go, I let our love fall apart. So, I bear the guilt. I think I could have saved her, I don't know. I'll never know. But that's mine and Gracie's story."

He cleared his throat and started up again, his voice stronger and surer. "But Bella, I have no excuses for the way I've treated you. None. I am not behaving like the man I am, or was. This afternoon you said something that struck a chord in me. I want you to know that my family, my parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen are two wonderful human beings and they were, are, exemplary parents. My behavior has not reflected the values they instilled in me, and I would be so ashamed if they were to know how I've behaved with you. I am the only one to blame and I apologize sincerely for being the monster you accused me of being."

"As I said earlier, I'm selling the boat and going back home where I belong. I'm tired of being away from the place where part of my heart is. I want to be there for Gracie, because she deserves no less. I want to be the one to hold her hand when the end comes."

"I just came to say good-bye and tell you I'm sorry. I didn't set out to hurt you, but I did time and time again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I thought that I could hide in you and with you, but I found that I can't. You deserved so much better than the way I treated you. Other than Gracie, you are the only woman I've ever known, who can shake me with a word and a look. Being with you was ultimately a selfish choice, I was looking out for my needs and not for yours. But something happened between you and me. As time went on I started to think I could find solace and eventually fall in love with you, but I think I've screwed that up pretty thoroughly."

He stood up and held out his hands to her. She stood up and put her hands in his. He brought them both to his lips and then flattened them to his heart and held them there. "In so many ways I wish that I had waited for you, but I was greedy. I was afraid you'd find someone else; so I pushed you into this affair, when I'm still in the middle of an ongoing tragedy. But I can't regret being with you, there were times when you made my heart light and my blood sing; and those are wonderful memories I'll have forever. I hope I gave you some good memories too."

Bella nodded slowly and her voice was hoarse and tight with emotion. "You did, Edward. You really did."

He bent down and they kissed softly and sweetly, their hands held between them on his chest, their lips gently touching. "Thank you, for telling me that. It means a lot to me." Edward whispered as he ended the kiss.

He let her hands go and turned to the door and she followed him. As he opened the door to leave, Bella pushed it closed again. She wrapped her arms around his middle and held him tight. She pressed her cheek above his heart, not caring if she sounded needy or desperate, she sobbed. "Edward, I don't want to say good-bye forever. I'd like to give you my cell number, and my e-mail address. Please, please call me, or text me, e-mail."

His hands went around her and he clasped her tightly to him, "I'd like to call you and write you, too. I don't want to let you go either." They held each other for long, long minutes, both of them dreading the separation to come.

Finally, Bella pulled away and kissed his chin. "Tell me about Gracie too, please. I really want to know. She'll be in my prayers, every night. You both will be."

He nodded and swallowed, "You are the most wonderful person and I don't deserve to have you in my life, but thank you for caring enough."

"I don't just care for you Edward, I love you. I'm not ashamed to admit it and I'm not going to pretend that I don't. I know you don't feel the same and I know it's a bad time, but I want to try to make it with you. I'll take whatever fate gives me."

"I want to make it with you too." he said into the violet-scented skin of her shoulder. He pressed his body into hers, as they leaned against the back of the door,reminding him of that first night he'd come over for a drink. He kissed her deeply and passionately, surrendering to a need he'd kept in check since he last made love to her. His mouth moved over hers greedily, opening, searching, demanding her soft sweetness. She moaned and sought him out and their tongues met and stroked, stoking the deeper fires down below. Her thighs shifted open to accomodate him and he hoisted her up against the wall, grinding a rhythm that had them both panting on the knife edge of ecstasy. He reached his hands around and squeezed her bottom, pulling her down harder onto his bulging cock and she let out a small cry, which stopped him. And he pulled away.

"Sorry." he muttered, ashamed that he could forget everything he'd just said, and treat her roughly again.

"What's wrong?" she asked him. Wanting to know why he'd stopped.

"I would love to make love to you all night long, Bella." he said. "But I want us to start over, differently. I don't want to go down that same path."

"But what's wrong with us making love? I've missed you every night that we've been apart. I have some pretty erotic dreams that leave me wanting you more than ever. I need to hold and love you and I think you need me that way too."

"I do, I really do. But I don't want us to make the same mistakes."

Bella shook her head as she stroked his stubbly cheek. "Making love to you was never the mistake, Edward. The mistake was you withholding truths from me and me lying about my feelings to you. I don't want us to play those games anymore. Ever."

"I agree. So, it's time for me own up. My friend did suggest going to the coffee shop, but I picked the day and time. I wanted to see you again, so badly. I hoped you would see me and want to talk. Later that night, I couldn't help it, I drove to your house. I wanted to see you, knock on your door and explain it all. I waited hours for you to come home." He swallowed and waited for her to say something.

"Then, why didn't you come to the door?"

"By the time you came home with Jake, I had worked myself up into a sort madness. I wanted to run up those stairs and beat him to a pulp for daring to want what's mine." he confessed.

Bella shook her head. "Jake is only a friend. And I am yours. There is no reason to be angry."

"I know. I realized that as I sat there in the dark; I saw the crazy man I'd become. That was the only time I'd ever stalked you. And it scared me enough to pull back and hope you'd try to get in touch with me, eventually."

"If I hadn't gotten in touch, what then?"

He smiled. "But you did and we don't have to wonder about the "what then", do we?" And he folded her back into his arms.

"No we don't." Bella smiled in return and hugged him tight. Grateful that they hadn't lost each other.

"Let's go to your bed, Bella. I want to make long sweet love to you and then hold you in my arms all night long."

"Yes." she took hold of his hand and led him to the bedroom.

"Goodnight, Bella." a voice called out.

"Goodnight, Alice." she called back. With a giggle she turned the lock on her bedroom