A/N- t&a- As promised, a speedy update as a reward for all your patience and never-ending love. We say it a lot, but only because its true, you all blow our minds on a regular basis.
Thank you for everyone who has rec'd and retweeted, a special little piece of love for all of you.
You know the drill, we don't own, but we dabble in twisting and turning to make our own.
Closer, shadow, volume strikes
Still we're caught between all this sorrow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?
Hey, shadow, stars, break of dawn
Take a turn for stars, to my fantasy
Little shadow, to the night, will you follow me?
Little Shadow- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Excitement, peace, relaxation. That's what I normally feel when opening my laptop. Watching my wireless kick in and connecting to Facebook used to be the highlight of my day. The moment I looked forward to all day. Things are different now. Now I have a life away from this fifteen-inch screen. People who care about me, people who I can actually touch, smell, even kiss.
I twist my neck and hiss slightly at the pull of skin. It doesn't hurt anymore, but the skin under the ink is tight, making it a little painful to turn my head. I twist my hair up and away from the fresh tattoo. And yet I relish in the tiny amount of pain. It reminds me of the mark and the deeper meaning I find in it.
My hand reaches up and brushes over it and I know if Edward were here, he would insist that I put more cream on it, take better care of it. I know there's a problem when the simple idea of his name makes my lips curl into a smile.
Thoughts of the new characters in my life distract me from the now dreaded process in front of me. My eyes flick back to the screen and groan when I see the number of messages Alice has sent me, her tone starting with mild concern escalating to all out panic. I read her latest message several times.
You had better be dead or have been kidnapped by a seriously amazing celebrity.
The urge to roll my eyes is strong. As much as I want to play off her concern, it's founded in time and previous experience. I've never gone more than a day or so without logging on. Never more than a week without chatting with Alice. And it's been weeks since I've even opened this page. Real life can be distracting.
My fingers tap lightly on the keypad, not hard enough to cause any action. I can't ignore these people, they've carried me through my rut for years. Even if I've found life beyond my computer, it doesn't change the path I took to get here and the people who tolerated me along the way.
I need to reply, need to set Alice's mind at ease, I owe her that much. And I want to. Just because I'm adding more people to my story doesn't mean others need to get cut. And then the decisions made for me.
Alice Brandon: am i hallucinating? it can't really be you.
I laugh and take a deep breath. My fingers move slightly slower than I'm used to. I'm out of practice and couldn't be happier about it.
Isabella Swan: sorry about that. i promise i am alive and well.
My legs twist underneath me and I instantly revert back to my normal position. This time, my eyes stay on the clock. I can devote a little time to this, to my oldest friend, but I now have someone else who will be waiting for me.
Alice Brandon- you could have fooled me. where the hell have you been? don't tell me you're all wrapped up in that stray
My teeth grit with her words. I didn't mind her making salacious remarks about Edward before, but so much has changed. Including his role in my life.
Isabella Swan- things are different al. he's not what i thought he was.
It's a weak argument, but Alice isn't one to simply take my word for it and I need her to feel happy for me. She's the only person I have to tell my story to who isn't in it and I want her to be a cheering section, rather than a salacious critic.
Alice Brandon- so he's not a bar rat with a ton of tattoos and a tendency to kiss anything with lips and tits?
My breath catches in my throat. Is that really all I've told her about him? How could I so narrowly define him? Granted, in the beginning all I painted him as was a bad boy who chased after me. Did I ever mention all the kindness and warmth and care?
Isabella Swan- maybe at first look, but he's so amazing al. i mean he's overcome so much shit and has this amazing little boy and i can't even begin to tell you how fantastic he is
That's a start. It gives her a little more depth, a better look into the man that is slowly becoming the sun I revolve around.
Alice Brandon- the stray has a kid? are you fucking kidding me? walk away now bella. walk away quickly.
My chest thrums as my heart races beneath it. These words even typed, not spoken, tear away a little piece of me. I feel like I've failed Edward and even worse, Finn.
Isabella Swan- you don't know what you're talking about. finn is amazing al. all smart and charming and he's only three.
How can you put Finn into words? She will just have to meet him once. Have him offer her a sticky hand and lead her into his blanket fort. Then she will understand.
Alice Brandon- don't be naïve bella. guys with kids are a bad idea. they come with crazy ass exes and baggage that no one can carry. add that to the bar and tattoos and loose lips…..nothing good bella.
There are no words. I've let down the two most important people in my life, let someone I care about, someone who matters to me, think horribly false things about them. What kind of representation of love is that?
Isabella Swan- jesus al. he makes me happy. they both do. quit being so damn snooty and be happy for me. isn't this what you told me to do? go after him?
I go for the heartstrings, use guilt and anything else I can think of. I can fix this. I can restore the hope that these two halves of my life can be merged. I clench my hands into fists and wait. Her reply is taking time and I hope it means she's hearing my words.
Alice Brandon- i was telling you to go after a quick fuck. to try and live your life a little. not tie yourself down to a sinking ship.
This is getting worse by the second. How is that even possible? I should just log off and try to get rid of the grey cloud gathering over my head before I head to my date. But I can't shake the need to make her understand.
Isabella Swan- that's not what he is, what they are al.
I'm angry that is all I have to offer in defense of them. I know Alice and I know that when she's at a certain point, there is no talking her down. But I will chip away at this. When I don't have somewhere so much better to be.
Alice Brandon- don't come crying to me when i'm right.
I slam the lid shut and my forehead goes to my knees, my fingers winding into my hair, forgetting that it is up. Several deep breaths later, I feel solid enough to stand. I roll my neck, smiling at the tug of skin.
I pull on jeans and a sweater, hoping that it will be good for playing. I've forgotten what you're supposed to wear to play. That is just sad.
The wind pulls at the loose stands of my hair as I walk towards the bar. Everything changed at the convention, but now we're back to real life. I haven't seen Edward since he kissed me goodbye on my doorstep and my stomach is in chaos. How does this work back in our lives? And then there's Finn.
I don't want to have to hide from him. Lying to him even a little would break my heart. But he has a mother. I don't know what my role will be, how he will feel about it.
The neon signs outside are still off so I reach up and press the bell. My legs feel confined in the denim, but it's a small sacrifice in the name of small friends. I'm earlier than I need to be, but certain things can only be done before the sun sets. The door bursts open and Emmett fills the space completely.
"Well, well, if it isn't Ed's little shadow. How you doin', pretty Bella?" he grins. He leans forward in a way that would have come off as suggestive if I didn't know Edward was in the room behind him.
"I'm fine, Emmett. Can I get by?' I ask. My mood is still deflated from my Alice confrontation and I need the two people just behind him to buoy me a little. He steps back and waves his arm in some grand sweep to motion me in. I take a deep breath and step inside.
Edward is sitting on the floor allowing Finn to draw on his arms with markers. The washable ink clashes and mixes with the more permanent marks. His eyes on are on mine instantly and the smile that stretches across his face fills me with right.
"Get your a-s-s over here and give me a kiss," he commands. His words pull Finn away from his art project and he looks up at me. His eyes grow wide and he drops his markers.
"Issybella! I knew you were coming. Daddy said that I was lucky cause I'm little so I get to play with you instead of playing with the thirsty people," he exclaims as he crosses the room. His arms wrap around my legs and I reach down and pull him into my arms, resting his weight on my hip.
"We are lucky. Thirsty people aren't very much fun. I'm hoping your daddy will let us go to the park," I tell him, my eyes flitting to Edward with the last part. He stands and heads towards us. When he's close enough, Finn stretches his arms out toward his father and I pass him off willingly.
"Daddy, can Issybella and I go to the park? Please? I'll keep hands holded and everything," he pleads. Edward chuckles and leans around his son to press his lips to mine. The kiss is quick and sweet. My eyes are on Finn as soon as we separate, anxious to see his reaction.
"Daddy. Stop it," Finn scolds. My breath catches. Maybe he doesn't want me with his father like that. My heart races thinking that this tiny person's opinion could be a deal breaker. Edward presses his lips to mine briefly again and Finn sighs exaggeratedly.
"Stop what, Huck?" he asks. Finn pouts with his lower lip and Edward mimics his action.
"Don't kiss Issybella. We're goin' to the park and she's here to play with me. You hafta play with the thirsties." Finn states. I chuckle under my breath. At least he's not completely against this. Someday we're going to have to explain to him the difference between our friendships.
"Are you trying to tell me that I can't kiss Bella, Huck? Huh?" Mock anger is painted all over Edward's face. "You think you can tell me what to do, big guy?"
His fingers dig gently into Finn's sides and the toddler squeals and twists in his father's arms.
"I get to play with Bella until you guys leave. Go see if Walt needs some water, Huck," Edward says as he places Finn on the ground. Finn races across the room and Edward shoots Emmett a look, to which Emmett groans and follows.
As soon as both of them are out of the room, I'm crushed to Edward's chest, his lips less friendly, more insistent upon mine. There's no hesitation as I open my mouth to him and twist my fingers into his hair. His tongue strokes mine and his hands creep up my neck. I wince as his fingers press into the sore flesh there. He tears his lips from mine.
"Is it still sore? Let me see it," he orders. He turns me slowly and I can feel his warm breath on my neck as he inspects the tattoo. Fingers gently trace the delicate design and a shudder slides down my spine.
"It doesn't hurt, but it feels a little tight. That's normal, right?" I ask. Everything with this process is new to me.
"Totally normal. It looks fucking sexy," he whispers against my ear, his lips brushing the shell. He turns me slowly and dips his lips to mine again. Everything is slower this time. He pulls away and my mouth follows a little.
"I'm glad you're here," he smiles. I smile back and run my hands over his shoulders and down his chest. I twist my fingers with his and reach up to tug his bottom lip between my teeth briefly.
"I know this is new and I'm supposed to act aloof and less interested to keep you guessing, but I'm horrible at pretending so I'm just going to say what I feel. I really miss you when I'm not here," I ramble. I'm not going to worry about the rules. Everything about this feel too right to be bothered by social protocol.
"You could just stay here, all the time. You could even quit your job and be my little love slave," he grins. I roll my eyes, but honestly, it sounds a little amazing. And that scares me. I should have more self-preservation than that.
"Somehow, I think you might get sick of me. Besides, I think you should be my slave. It makes more sense," I offer. My cheeks flame with my words. He settles back into a stool and pulls me between my legs, holding me to him.
"How?" he presses. This is why I shouldn't try to be coy. He'll never just let something slide and the things that go through my head should not always fall from my mouth.
"It just seems like it would be more… fun?" I whisper, keeping my eyes anywhere but on him. I could reference a file in the 'goodies' folder, but then I would have to melt into a puddle on the floor. His hands slide down my back and slip into the back pockets of my jeans.
"We could try both out. I'm sure they've each got their own benefits," he agrees. Scenes I've only seen on my fifteen-inch screen suddenly flash through my mind with Edward playing the central role. My whole body flushes with heat.
"Issybella, Walt wants to come to the park too. Can he?" Finn breaks into the moment. I don't know whether to be grateful or mortified. I slowly pull out of Edward's hold and crouch down in front of Finn.
"I think I need both hands for you today. Maybe he can come next time?" I offer. I'm a little nervous about the outing. It's a lot of trust Edward is offering me and I need to deserve it. Finn nods seriously. A low whistle cause me to jump and then land on my ass. At least I wasn't far from the ground.
"That's some fancy ink you've got there, Shadow," Emmett comments. I turn to see him leaning against the bar next to Edward. I reach back and touch the skin again, still not used to it.
"We, I mean, I got it at the convention," I reply. Emmett's eyebrows raise and he glances at Edward, a devious look on his face.
"How was the convention?" he asks. His eyes stay fixed on Edward, so I take my time straightening up and latching my hand to Finn's.
"Go get your shoes and coat, okay?" I whisper to Finn, not wanting to miss Edward's answer. Finn nods enthusiastically and disappears once more.
"Same usual shit. Caren told me to tell you to stop being such a p-u-s-s-y just because you got caught on one of her piercings It could happen to anyone, Emmy," he chuckles. I want to laugh along with them but his answer stings just a little. Shouldn't he want Emmett to know? It can't be worse then me telling Alice.
"I'm ready, Issybella!" I've never been so glad to have a three-year-old tugging me out the door. Not that this has ever happened before. I avoid Edward's gaze as we slip through the door.
"Bye Daddy, love you always, always," Finn calls behind us. Edward repeats it back automatically. It's the first time I'm heard the sentiment and it tugs at me just a little. The door is almost shut when he calls after us.
"Hey!" I stop us both, even though Finn is trying to tug me forward. I turn back, keeping my gaze nonchalant.
"Don't have too much fun without me!" The door is shut before his words can echo after us. I'm careful about every step, carefully shielding Finn from the other people on the sidewalk. He's talking nonstop about a little girl who lives next door to his mom. Apparently she doesn't know who Harry Potter is and also thinks that dogs smell. He doesn't seem very impressed with her, but it might be a little crush.
We enter the park and the tension melts away a little. A fall in the grass is hardly as bad as concrete or asphalt. There are several dogs and children around us and I can feel Finn's excitement roll off him.
"Swings, Issybella! Can you push high high?" he asks. His fingers slip from mine and my chest tightens. I quicken my pace and scoop him into my arms before he can get too far. He squirms in my arms protesting.
"I'm a big boy, Issybella. Lemme walk," he demands. I breathe several times before setting him down, but keep his hand in mine. I drop to his level and look in his eyes.
"You have to hold my hand, Finn. Remember what you told your daddy?" I ask. His eyes widen and sparkle a little with moisture. I pull him to my chest and curse my inexperience with children.
"I'm ssssoryy, Issybella," he shudders. I shake my head and pull him gingerly towards the swings. He's quiet the whole trip and I place him on the swing and push gently at first. Before long he's giggling and I'm pushing as hard as I dare. Thank God children have such a quick bounce back time.
"Higher! Higher!" he pleads, but the last thing I need is for him to fly off and bring him home full of gravel. I grab the chains and slow him down. He gazes up at me questioningly.
"Why'd you stop me? You don't want to swing anymore?" he asks. I smile and pluck him off the swing, sit down and place him in my lap. It's been a long time since I've been in a park, much less been on a swing, but the pumping motion comes naturally.
Finn laughs constantly as we get higher. The chain kinks and tweaks as we reach the limit and I work to keep us there for as long as possible. His soft hair blows in the wind, tickling my nose. I stop the motion of my legs and let us slow down.
"So high, Issybella! Like flying brooms high, like magic," Finn breathes. I smile and press my lips to his hair softly smelling sun and grass. He slips off my lap and reaches his hand out to me. I smile at the gesture and let him pull me towards the slide.
I release his hand reluctantly and take my post at the bottom of the slide, waiting. His body flies towards me and I barely prevent him from hitting the ground. Instantly, he is out of my arms and clamoring back up the steps. He repeats the action until I'm tired from just watching.
He tires and we head back to the swing. I pull him back into my lap and we don't go very high. His head sags back against me.
"Issybella, can we bring Walt next time ,and maybe Daddy?" he asks. I smile at his simple request.
"Sure. Next time we'll all come," I promise. He nods his acceptance. His words flow then without censor.
"I'm gonna grow up and make a magic broom and then Daddy and I are going to go to Hogwarts," he informs me. I guess his grasp on fiction versus. reality isn't quite as solid as I thought. He is just three.
"Can I come?" I ask. He nods and turns his face to grin at me.
"I think you're Daddy's bestest friend," he states. I swallow hard and clutch him to my chest. The sun sinks lower in the sky and I know we have to head back. I stand up and try to set Finn on his feet, but he goes a little limp and whimpers a little.
"I'm tired, Issybella. Hold me," he asks, reaching his arms up to me. I know my arms won't last the whole walk. I crouch down and smile.
"How about a piggyback ride?' I offer. He nods and climbs onto my back. I grasp his feet with one hand and reinforce his grip around my shoulders with the other. His hair tickles my neck as I walk, his body bouncing slightly with my steps.
Suddenly, one hand pulls out of my grasp and reaches forward to touch my tattoo. I know he's not shocked at the sight of ink, having seen and inspired his father's. The touch tickles and I resist the urge to pull away from it.
"'E' is for elephants," he states surely. I chuckle a little at his comment. Where did that come from?
"Do you see an elephant, Finn?" I ask. My eyes dart around looking for a poster or an ad with the animal. His fingers trace again.
"No, 'E' on your neck," he answers. I freeze at his words. Little kids can see things that aren't there. Like bunnies in the clouds and imaginary friends. I use these thoughts to calm my breathing. He wouldn't….
Finn's weight soon slumps on my back and the bar can't come soon enough. I obviously need to work up to carrying him, my arms not used to weight more than a five pound bag of flour.
The neon lights are now humming, but I know its still early. I use my hip to push open the door and see Edward moving up and down behind the bar, which is empty save for Emmett and Harold. My mind is buzzing with the possibility of my tattoo being more than I thought as I meet Edward's eyes.
"Hey." He smiles and makes his way around the bar to us and eases Finn off my back. Finn groans a little and nestles into Edward's neck immediately.
"You're big enough to walk, buddy," he tells him. Finn shakes his head and launches into an explanation, which includes going high like a broom and fast like Superman. I chuckle and glance over at Emmett. I ease away from the pair and sidle up to him.
"What you want, Shadow?" he quips. I swallow and make sure Edward isn't too focused on me. He's whispering quietly to Finn.
"I need you to be honest with me, Em," I request. Amusement dances in Emmett's eyes and I wonder if any of his thoughts are free from sexual innuendo.
"Hit me, pretty Bella," he states. I turn around so my neck is facing him and readjust my hair to give him a clear view.
"Is there anything odd about my tattoo?" I ask. He leans in and looks close enough that I can feel his breath. It doesn't cause the same reaction as Edward. That revelation tugs at my lips a little. Emmett chuckles.
"Hot damn. He branded you," he laughs. I press my lips together. I can't believe him. Emmett traces the letter and I can feel its presence. So that's what he did. Why he was so pleased with himself when he handed the tattoo gun back to Rose. I raise my eyes to Edward and he looks like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
I cross my arms over my chest and take several careful steps towards him. His eyes are wild and he clutches at Finn. I raise an eyebrow and sigh.
"Seriously? How long did you think it would take for me to figure it out? I can't believe you would do something like that, without me knowing! What if…you can't be sure…" My words are hissed and hushed as to avoid waking Finn. I don't know what to make of this. I'm torn between feeling pissed that he's marked me like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant and being the smallest bit elated he wanted such a permanent claim on me.
"Can't be sure…." He trails off and glances over at Harold and Emmett, passing some kind of silent communication. "Come upstairs with me?"
I want to say no, I want to throw a fit like a child. But when he asks me things and looks at me just that way, I can't say no. I nod my head and follow him up the stairs. He passes his keys back to me and I fiddle with the lock, letting him focus on the now sleeping boy in his arms.
I push open the door and flip on the light. He heads towards Finn's room and instead of following like I want to, I head to the couch and curl into the corner. I can't place my emotion, and it's making my head hazy and my eyes heavy. He appears from Finn's room and hesitates as he comes towards me.
"It's not like it really shows. It was more of an afterthought," he stammers. I've never heard him be anything but sure. That might be even worse. He put his initial on me as an afterthought?
"Are you going to tell me why the hell you thought that was okay? You could have asked or told me or…" I trail off in frustration. He runs his hands through his hair and moves to sink into the couch next to me. He doesn't try to touch me and I'm glad. I'm not sure what his touch would do to me at this point.
"Fuck. I don't know how to explain this. I didn't tell you because I thought you'd say no. I did it because, well, I can be fucking sure of some things," he breathes. His words aren't helping. They're tugging me in all directions. He peeks up at me through his lashes and takes a deep breath.
"I'm sure of this, of us. Even if we don't work out romantically, I'm sure we'll always be in each others lives," he states, his confidence returning. Part of his words are exactly what I want to hear, but to hear him even offering the possibility of us not working when we've only just started makes me ache a little. My mouth is dry and I don't know how to reply. This has gone from a hidden letter in my tattoo to ending our relationship. I take a shaky breath.
"So you put your initial on my neck because we'll always be friends? Like some adult version of a best friend necklace? Is that what this weekend equates for you? A life long friend?' I wheeze. The anger and confusion are at odds inside of me while the giddy little girl part is sitting back and watching the action.
"No, Jesus, Bella, of course not. God, don't you get it? I mean, do I need to spell out the way I feel to you? I want to be with you. You. Not anybody else, not as just your friend. And I want it to last for a long fucking time. But just in case you decide that I'm annoying or that it's too much being tied down to a single dad or that I smell like stale beer more often than not, I'll understand. I won't be happy about it, but I'll understand. I just want you to still be in my life. Either way. No matter what. Is that clear enough for you?"
His words stop my world. Everything just stops and nothing else matters outside this room. My mind can't even grasp onto what's he's saying to me. Those are the kinds of words I want engraved into my skin, written into my story over and over again until they become they only thing anyone remembers about me.
I uncurl my body and slip into his lap, tucking my head into his neck. My fingers weave into his hair and I mold into him, wanting to make him feel that I feel the same. I rub my nose against the side of his neck. The anger and confusion have been shut up.
"I'm sorry I always doubt you and that you always have to console me. I know that it's more likely that I will drive you away before you could ever smell like anything but comfort to me. And I love the idea of being in your life for a long time. I want to be in all your big moments," I breathe into his neck. It's the least I can offer him in return and it doesn't even begin to skim the surface of how I feel about him. He reaches around my neck and rubs the skin there, the feeling soothing rather than burning.
"But, there will be no more marking without permission," I try to sound firm and give him the eye. He fights a smile and nods his agreement.
"Sorry I didn't tell you about this first," he sighs into my hair. "I couldn't resist." I should argue more, make him feel worse, because heaven knows that its not ok for him to do things like this, but I'm overwhelmed by the feel of him. And it's not like I can do something like withhold sex. So I simply sigh and relax into him.
"I like it. It's like I can carry a piece of you with me," I admit. He smiles and tugs me even further into him.
"Yeah, I like it too," he adds. He tilts his mouth down to mine and I open instantly, wanting part of him inside of me. I let him take control, wanting to taste his apology and revel in it. He pulls away slowly, reluctantly.
"I need to head back down. Will you stay?" he asks. I nod, not needing to tell him that I brought my own pajamas and a toothbrush this time. More and more, this seems like a storyline and not just a plot twist. I don't know if either of them could be written out of my heart at this point.
~t&a~
A/N- Wanted to do a quick fic rec this week as well. If you like darkward mixed with a little humor and a lot of hot, read….
Taste of Innocence by Nolebucgrl
I kinda adore it.
Til next time!