A/N- t&a- sometimes we feel a little like a broken record, but it can't be said enough. The love and support overwhelms and brings slap happy grins to our faces. Thank you SO much.
As always, we don't own, just twist and paint to make our own.
I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke this time
There was nothing to take me back to sleep
To take you off my mind
This time
And I keep saying over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain I need to hide within a storm
So have the ending come
Over and Over- Rachael Yamagata
It's a shame that you really can't transform into something else, something better in the shower. Someone should try to encapsulate Fairy Godmother powers into showers, make a fortune. I get out of the tiny stall that passes as my shower and wrap my towel securely around my body. The room is filled with steam making it feel like something more enchanting than it is.
I raise my hand and wipe at the mirror, revealing my face. I stare at the features glaring back at me and wonder if it looks the same to me as it does to other people. And not just any other people, but to Edward.
I shove the thoughts from my mind and push the bathroom open, shattering all fairy tale properties. I step into the small space of my studio and try to find anything to occupy my thoughts. I'm instantly drawn to my computer. I flip the top open and wait for the glow to resonate back at me, eager for mindless words to fill my head.
But the brief moment it takes is long enough for my thoughts to take over. Things had been so good, too good if I'm honest. Moving so smoothly I should have known there would be a glitch. Not that I even know the name of this said glitch. All I know that is one minute the man I love is vibrant and honest and in front of me and then he began to shrink away.
I'm not sure I can even find the exact moment it started. It was all love and tenderness and warmth and then it was distance, a little more each day. The hopelessness seizes my chest again and I bring my knees to my chin trying to ward it off.
He's not mean or anything close to it, but his eyes are always far away and even when he smiles its guarded. Weeks now I've waited, waited for him to come back to me. For him to mean all the jokes and words he whispers, but it's only gotten worse.
And now this. He is insisting on taking me on a date. After all our days and words he wants to go in reverse, retreat back to some step he thinks we missed. And it terrifies me. What if he wants to rewrite our story? What if he doesn't like where its going and tries to pull me back to chapters and words I gladly skipped?
My computer finally comes to life and I mindlessly go through the motions of logging on and scanning through new messages and alerts, but my mind is already sunk. Weighed down by the possibilities.
Alice is on a new kick. Determined to break me of my Edward 'fixation', she's taken to posting pictures of men on the street she thinks I would like. I've tried to talk her down from this quest, but she's relentless. But, its only facebook posts so I let her continue on with only mild chastisement, because what can it really hurt?
She has no way of knowing how deep I really am in this. That I have twisted my existence around this man and his son. That I honestly hope every part of me will be tied, attached to them in time. I type quick no's to every picture she's added and post another small dedication of my love to Edward hoping maybe this time she'll listen.
I let my computer go forgotten as I turn my head to look at my closet. I don't even know what to wear for this 'date'. Worried that it might lead to a tragedy of some sorts I want to make sure that I look at least somewhat memorable, but I'm not sure my closet boasts anything that can be defined as such. It doesn't help that a good portion of my clothing has now taken up residence in an apartment above a certain bar.
The message alert pulls me back to reality and I stare at Alice's words not really wanting to reply.
Alice Brandon- why do you keep rejecting my pure breeds for your stray, bell?
I grit my teeth and try to hold back the words I really want to say. An inner chant begins listing off Alice's seemingly few redeeming qualities. I get so caught up in the ritual I don't even notice the next message.
Alice Brandon- plus added bonus….no kids hovering either.
And I see red. My fingers fly across the keys before censoring can spare my so-called friend. It's not until I've sent them that I even realize what I've said.
Isabella Swan- stop alice. fucking stop. you have no right. that man and that little boy have made my life better. make my life better. and all you do is try to bring them down. just fucking stop. let me know when you can just be happy for me.
I slam my computer shut before she can reply. The words weren't nearly harsh enough but hopefully she felt my hurt. You can't attack my boys without injuring me. My chest heaves with emotion and I drag myself from my futon determined to make it through this night.
The next hour moves by in a haze. I let myself go through the motions without much thought, trying to keep myself submerged in non-thought. When there is nothing left to primp, to prepare, I curl into a ball on my futon and wait. I stare out the tall windows lining the wall and watch the headlights bounce off glass and signs.
His knock pulls me from my fog only slightly. I stand and shake my head, trying to bring my mind some clarity before I face him. Not wanting to give him any doubts about his affections.
I pull open the door to see him staring at his feet. My eyes are drawn there as well watching the shuffling like it was important. I swallow thickly and raise my eyes taking in his figure and feeling my heart clench a little as it feels its home so close. His eyes rise to meet mine and I smile because I just can't help it.
His face reacts the same and I feel a little relief. I reach for him without thought and see a pink peony clutched in his hand. My eyes move from the flower to his eyes several times.
"Hi," I breathe breaking the silence between us. I lean forward and press my lips softly to his before resting back on my heels because even though we are moving backwards I can't wait til the end of the night. His eyes trail up and down my body several times and I am once again left wishing my closet or my shower had produced something akin to Cinderella.
"You look beautiful," he says and my heart races. He holds out the flower and I feel my whole body pulse with emotion. He leans forward this time and kisses me surely, holding my bottom lip between his. I smile slightly, not willing to let more emotion slip out and reveal all my worries. I take the flower and turn back into my apartment. I slip into the kitchen and use a clean glass to house it because I don't have any vases.
"No one's ever given me a flower before," I admit. Maybe he will do this again, maybe it's a reason to invest in a vase. I slip the flower into the cup and smile down at it. Edward's arm wraps around my waist and I lean back into him, constantly drawn closer.
"That kind of makes me happy. You like peonies, right?" he breathes into my ear. I nod and my eyes slide closed. Why do I feel like this is an ending? Like the credit are about to roll leaving me with a potently painful end instead of the hearts and rainbows I had been hoping for.
His lips trail across my temple and I pull away from him determined to not let this be an end. I turn in his arms and smile up at him. The ghost smile appears on his face and it's everything I can do to not be defeated.
"So where are we headed on this seriously delayed second date?" I ask hoping that my tone is light and teasing even though I feel heavy. He leans his forehead down to mine and sighs.
"For dinner," he states. He leans back enough to brush my hair away from my face. "You really do look beautiful tonight, extra beautiful."
I smile and kiss him again because it's all I want to do right now, like I have a limited number of kisses left. This feeling is awful. I pull him towards the door and try to force myself out of my rut.
"Quit using your words to try and butter me up. You don't need to do that. I'm already yours," I tell him. He trails behind me, happy to let me lead and I don't allow myself to read into it. It's not until we are outside and the night air bites at my skin and I turn into his side that I start wishing for a lucky penny to turn this night around. We walk silently down the street and when I see a newly familiar neon sign I halt.
"Please tell me that you are not taking me on a date to KFC's. I mean I love you but that would just be….not romantic at all. Not that I expect romance or anything like that, but more than fried chicken," I demand. He laughs and pulls me forward with him. I am not joking about this.
"We're not going to KFC. And why wouldn't you expect romance?" he asks. We walk past the chicken and biscuits and I shake my head. I didn't mean it like that. I just don't want any unneeded pressure hovering over us tonight.
"I don't need romance. I need very little other than you. So I guess perfect date is not KFC. Anything else would be a bonus," I admit. And not having my, our story end here. But I can't tell him that. Can't tell him that I'm worried that he's so crucial to my story at this point that if he leaves my story might end completely.
"Well, its your lucky day because I had KFC for lunch and was really craving some Italian tonight," he chuckles. I smile up at him and let the silence take over once again. Even if we're just pretending to be ok, I'll take it for now. We walk and I trace patterns on the back of his hand with my thumb.
The night grows darker and he tugs me closer to him. We approach a small storefront with a red awning and he pulls me inside. He steps away to approach the hostess and I miss his heat instantly. When did I become this needy person?
We're led to a corner booth and he motions for me to slide in first before sliding in after me. I shake my head and laugh.
"You're supposed to sit on the other side," I tease. Instead of making the snide remark I expect he slides away from me and settles in across from me instead. My mouth drops open and I feel like a villain instantly. That last thing I wanted was to push him away. I wait for him to say something, anything, but he just stares at the menu like he doesn't already know what he wants. And I know he already knows. He always does.
I clear my throat hoping to draw his attention back, but his eyes stay locked on the menu. My eyes sting with the promise of tears and I bite the inside of my cheek to stop them.
"How's Finn?" I ask because I know he won't ignore that. I saw him two days ago, but it's the last weapon I have in my arsenal. His eyes flit to mine for a moment before he sighs.
"He's fine, the same, you know," he states evenly. And then the tears prick at my eyes as they emerge. There's always a story, something Finn said or did or something Edward wants him to do. It usually brings him to life. I swallow and keep my eyes on my hands in my lap. What is happening here?
The waitress appears and snaps her gum a few times before asking if we're ready. Edward spouts off an order before handing her his menu. His hands and eyes then go to the damn parmesan cheese shaker and I can't hold it in.
"And you?' she asks glancing up at me and I don't even falter.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Did you bring me to this stereotypical place to give me the brush off? Did I do something to make you feel like you didn't want me to be a part of your story? I don't understand. You've never kept your words from me before," I rush out.
The waitress backs away slowly muttering something about giving us a few more minutes. My hands are shaking on top of the table and the tears are running paths down my cheeks, but I won't be a silent sufferer. If he wants out, I'll make him say it, tell me why.
His eyes meet mine frantically and his face contorts when he sees the tears. I wipe at them roughly not wanting his pity.
"Did I what? What the hell are you talking about?" he asks. I shake my head and pull myself into the corner of the booth. Is he really going to do this? Pretend he doesn't know?
"I'm talking about the fact that you're keeping me at arms length. You go through all the motions, but you're not here with me, haven't been with me for weeks. What's going on with you? I'm tied to you, you know? And it hurts me every time you tug away, it pulls at me," I stammer. The tears are slowing and I'm starting to feel something different, something harsh. He sighs heavily.
"I've just got a lot on my mind right now. I'm not trying to break up with you. God, will you stop crying please?" he grunts. And there it is. The distance, the space he is keeping between us and I can't take it. I won't sit here and act like it's ok. He means more to me than that.
"Maybe I should just go," I offer. It seems like the best solution. I start to slide out of the booth. I want more than vague answers and brush-offs. I want his truths and his words. He reaches across and catches my hand.
"Bella," he sighs, "stay please." And just like that I'm frozen. His face is tense and while I can't leave him it doesn't mean I'm going to pretend any longer.
"Why Edward? Stay so we can pretend you're ok? Act like its fine that you don't want to tell me what's wrong? I've never lied to you before and I'm not going to start now. If you have something you want to say, I'll stay. Otherwise I don't see the point," I state and I'm proud of the steadiness I somehow produced. He breathes out erratically and opens his mouth several times with no sound.
"Would you give me a minute? Jesus. I'm trying to work it out in my head…how to tell you. Just give me a minute. Order your food," he commands. And just like that all the worst case scenarios and nightmares rush through my head. What could be so hard to tell me?
The waitress appears and I manage to point at something on the menu. My hands go to the paper napkin, shredding it into tiny pieces as my mind goes rampant. When I can do no more damage I raise my eyes slowly and take him in. My heart swells with love and in preparation for pain.
"Just tell me. Whatever it is will be better once you just say it. Please Edward. Just tell me," I plead. I don't want him to work on making the words pretty to mask the meaning. He takes a deep breath and keeps his gaze on the tablecloth.
"We're moving. Finn and I. Savannah found another job and so I'm gonna move with them. I can't be away from my kid," he heaves. I just stare at him. Just watch as he keeps his eyes hidden while my whole body rebels. I could throw up, cry and collapse all at once. They're leaving. This is an ending.
"Oh," I breathe because I don't have much else to offer. My eyes drop from him to my lap and I swallow over and over trying to help the words go down smoother. Of course he would go. Finn is his priority. I would never imagine anything else. Wouldn't want anything else.
"Of course. You have to go," I agree. My eyes slide closed and I want the fog that was wrapped around me earlier to reappear when all my thoughts were only thoughts. My eyes move upwards long enough to catch his quick affirming nod.
"I'm going to sell the bar. Open something new up out there you know?" he continues. He sounds lighter now. "California's full of shit to do. A new scene and all that. Plus the school system's better."
And now the place has a name. It's so far from everything that is here. He almost sounds excited to start over and the emotion tears at me. I let out a shuddering breath and raise my face, new tears brimming and try to smile.
"Yeah. I mean that sounds great. For you and Finn. A good choice," I say but I don't mean a word. Does he want a new scene away from me? My breathing is heavy and sputtering. Even when I thought he might end it I never thought he'd be so fully extracted from me. And Finn. I can't even think about Finn.
"Fuck Bella," he rips a napkin in half and then again, "This is completely unfair of me to ask you. I shouldn't because you've got your life here, but…"
Food is dropped in front of us, but I can't even think about eating. Anything I tried to force down would be back up in an instant. I push it away from my slightly and wrap my hands around my water glass instead, hoping for some of the cool to ease my ache.
"You don't have to explain it to me. I get it. He's your son. You can't stay here for me," I assure him. I know my words are true. He wouldn't be who I loved if he didn't follow his son, but it doesn't stop the want.
"No, I can't. But, Bella, I want you to come with us," he states. And the bottom falls out. My eyes fix on him and my heart beats a whole new rhythm.
"And I get it if you can't. If you say no," he adds. My hand goes to my mouth as my world slows down for a moment. Everything stops quivering and spinning and I feel grounded. His eyes are still down, but I reach across, pulling the napkin from his fingers and lacing them with mine. I tug until his eyes lift.
"I would never say no," I admit. I know it seems rash. I should ask for time to think about this, time to see if it makes sense, but nothing makes sense without him so there's only one answer. Nothing here is worth giving them up.
"You would come? You'll come with us?" he asks. I smile and nod several shaky times. It's impulsive and stupid, but it's just everything I want and need.
"If you want me, I'll come," I reply. He smiles and it's not the ghost I've seen for weeks.
"Shit of course I want you to come. There's so much out there for us to do," he affirms. I slide out of the booth and force myself in next to him. I take his face in my hands and kiss him hard. I'm not gentle when I suck his bottom lip between mine. I kiss him till I feel light headed and then pull away slowly.
"Us?" He nods and pulls me into him completely.
"Us. Thank fuck you said yes. I didn't know what to do," he breathes. I shut my eyes and melt into him.
"There isn't much I want that doesn't include you. You should know that by now. I can't, won't say no to you," I tell him. His lips meet mine hard and fast. I let him take control until he presses his lips slowly to mine.
"I love you," he states. I nod against his forehead. Because now that all my awful possibilities have been erased all that's left is us. And we're love and rainbows and all that frilly stuff people hate when it doesn't have to do with them.
"Almost as much as I love you," I reply. We don't move for a long time, happy to be pressed close to each other, without the weight of his secret wedged between us. Eventually he urges me to eat a little, but not to leave his side. Everything around me is warm and full, making the world apart from us irrelevant.
His phone rings shrilly breaking into our bubble and I sigh when he asks me with his eyes for permission to answer. Didn't I just tell him I'd never tell him no? He presses the phone to his ear and speaks softly. His words don't make it to my brain and I just wait for him to finish so we can sink back into each other.
"Sav got called in to cover for another nurse. She wanted to know if we could take Finn for the night. I said yes," he tells me. I nod my agreement against his chest caught up in his use of the word 'we'.
"Does she need us to pick him up? Should we get something to go for Finn?" I ask. Even thought he's not mine, he's still a piece of this puzzle. An essential part of what makes me complete. He chuckles as he pays the check, swatting away my attempt to even pay tip.
"He ate dinner, but let's get ice cream. Every good date should end with ice cream," he states. He stands and stretches, his shirt rising ever so slightly in the front and I wonder if I will ever not tingle when I see his bare skin.
We make our way to one of those create your own ice cream places and I watch in mock horror as Edward piles so much sugar in his ice cream it would make me sick. I pick something simple for myself and laugh when Edward requests a smaller version of his own creation for Finn.
He tries to shove some of his instant diabetic coma down my throat as we walk and almost succeeds when the laughter betrays me. I press up on my toes and kiss his neck feeling so happy it's a little embarrassing. We trip up the stairs to find Savannah kneeling in front of Finn outside Edward's door.
"Thanks so much for doing this. I know you said you would take him whenever, but I didn't want to interrupt," Savannah rambles.
"Issybella!" Finn's voice breaks through his mother's speech and I crouch down to accept him into my arms. His body his me hard knocking me back on my butt. I laugh and hold him close to me.
"It's not a problem Savannah. I haven't seen Finn in days," I assure her and I mean every word. I sit up Finn still clutching my neck.
"You sure? Edward said you were on a date," she presses. I roll my eyes and look up at him. The look on his face as he looks down at us makes my heart skip a little. He tears his eyes away from us to smile at Savannah briefly.
"No worries, Sav, we're keeping a tab," he quips. Savannah rolls her eyes and rushes a goodbye before heading down the stairs. Finn launches into a detailed story about his day and the boy in his preschool class who tried to eat a caterpillar. Finn thought it would be better with ketchup. I forget that I'm sitting on a dirty hallway floor.
"Hey big guy, you don't want to say hi to me?" Edward's voice breaks into my story time. Finn turns his head towards his father and grins. He reaches his arms up and Edward picks him up smoothly. I push myself up from the floor and follow them through the door.
Walt and Nemo run figure eights through our legs as we enter and I chuckle as they almost knock me over. My eyes droop a little at the sight of this place. Everything about me is now wired to relax here, let my guard down and now all I want is to sleep. Finn is now standing in front of Edward telling another story and I trail my hand across Edward's shoulders as I pass.
"I'm gonna go change," I tell him. He nods and grabs Finn before he can follow me into the bedroom.
"I'm gonna eat Huck's ice cream," he states. Finn's eyes grow wide and he whips back towards his father. I chuckle as I push open the door. I reach towards the drawer where Edward keeps my clothes and hesitate. I could wear something of mine, but I reach for his drawer instead.
I shift through his sweatshirts finding a bulky sweater. I pull it on and strip out of my jeans. The sweater falls around the middle of my thighs, but I pull on a pair of boxers for good measure. Finn doesn't need to see anything resembling the holy land.
Laughter floats in from the living room and I lean back against the bed happy to just be there. The bed sinks under my weight and I can't help but crawl further back and curl up. Relief is coming in tandem with fatigue. I haven't slept well for over a month worried about the fate of my story and now that everything is in line the urge takes over.
My eyes flutter several times before the door opens and Finn is tossed onto the bed next to me. I chuckle as he squirms his way under my arm already in his Spiderman pajamas.
"Issybella, daddy says that I can sleep in here with you guys if I don't kick," he states solemnly. I laugh again remembering the last time Finn slept with us and Edward ended up with a foot to the eye. I tug him into my chest.
"You can kick your daddy all you want as long as you don't kick me," I tell him. Edward mock glares at us from the foot of the bed, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Nice, really nice. I should send you both to another room and just have Walt and Nemo hop up here," he threatens. I roll my eyes. Empty threats. Nemo kicks worse than Finn.
"Finn and I could have a sleepover in his room if you don't want to share, Edward," I offer. Finn's head shoots up at the suggestion, bounces on his heels.
"Yes yes, Issybella can we? You and daddy always have sleepovers without me. Daddy can sleep by himself this time," he squeals. I smile at his enthusiasm. Edward crawls across the bed towards us and kneels into front of Finn.
"Oh really?" he says in fake anger, "Is that how it is Huck? I gave you life, you know, and those pajamas. And this is how you repay me? Okay, I see how it is." Edward's fingers dance across Finn's sides as his laughter fills the room. I lean back against the headboard and try not to get sappy.
"No daddy no, I can share. Big boys share. I will share Issybella with you like you shareded your gummy bears," Finn pants. Edward presses his lips against the top of his head and meets my eyes. Can they be mine? I won't ask for anything else in life if I can keep them.