A/N- t&a- all we can offer is a sincere echo of our thanks to those of you who are still cheering us on, still taking this journey with our pair.
We don't own the original pair, but we have created a new world for them to unravel.
When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again
Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed
Our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love Will Tear Us Apart- Susanna and the Magical Orchestra
"Are you sure you don't want me to come? Just say the word and I will buy a ticket," Emmett offers. I roll my eyes and shove at his shoulder. It's not that I don't appreciate the offer or his new place as my support system. But this isn't going to work if I let him come and protect me. He'll keep Edward away and let me stay silent and as much as it will hurt I need to be exposed, have to force myself to say these things.
"No Emmett. I'm going to be fine. I'll be there this morning and back tomorrow morning. And besides, like you could afford a ticket last minute," I reply. My ticket cost me almost a month's rent. Eating away at the time I had given myself to tell my parents, but it's worth it. It WILL be worth it. To see the look on Finn's face and to have a chance to finally move forward.
He nods and hands my bag over to the skycap. My hand goes to my still relatively flat stomach, but I pull it back quickly. I can't give that secret away on this trip. This isn't about my baby, our baby. And I won't have him coming back for that reason.
"I'll call you when I land," I promise and hug Emmett tight. He returns he gesture and I enter the airport. I know this is hard on him, know that he's torn between two friends. And I won't ever be able to thank him enough for all he's done for me. Maybe I'll name the peanut after him. I shake the thought from my mind.
I slide into my seat, cursing my luck to be in the middle of two people who clearly don't know the meaning of a separating armrest. I slouch down and roll my head to my shoulder pleading for sleep to take over. Instead my mind goes wild.
Savannah's voice when I called to RSVP comes first. Her excitement reassured me a little. I asked her not to tell Edward and she surprisingly agreed. Told me that she's on my side, which I hardly believed, but appreciated none the less. I wonder how much of the story she got. Emmett's collected the truth over the last few weeks, a tiny piece here and there.
And then my mind begins to spin the future. The different ways this could all play out. A myriad of possibilities. I know it's too much to hope he'll be happy to see me, that time will have healed his wounds, but I hope regardless. More likely I think of the anger he displayed that last day and hope that I can survive it better this time than last.
My thoughts make time pass far too quickly and too soon the plane is descending. My stomach erupts in butterflies that I don't know whether to blame the motion or the baby. I jerk forward as we hit the ground and bring my thumb to my mouth. I'm here now. The airport is crowded, people in a rush to get someplace I don't know. I ease my way forward looking for the signs to guide me towards a cab.
I slide into the backseat, handing over the invite to the driver and lean back into the seat. I should make it in time, I didn't allow time for anything but the party. This way if he doesn't listen I have an easy escape. The scenery flies by full of sunshine and palm trees and I feel like I'm seeing a glimpse of what could have been and it burns just a little.
The palm trees give way to ocean and the cab slows. I almost ask him to take me back to the airport. I clutch my stomach looking for strength there. I pass over a few bills, another couple of days worth of money given away that would have bought me time. As soon as I step out I can hear the music, its light and poppy, everything Finn loves. I drag my rolling suitcase behind me as I follow the signs to the back of the house.
As soon as the scene appears I just stop. Everyone has black robes on, even the few adults. There are balloons everywhere, tugged by the ocean breeze. I shove my bag against the side of the house and duck behind a tree to watch for a little longer.
Finn is easy to spot, his hair looking even redder in the sun, he runs and jumps at Edward who is twisting a broom above his head and smiling. And my heart stutters. My mind can't help but wonder how much of my baby will be Edward. I refuse to cry. I steel my hands and step out from behind the tree. I walk slowly into the party avoiding small people at every turn. I drop my gift on the table and pause again.
"Bella!" I turn towards the voice and force a smile for Savannah grateful that her announcement didn't draw any attention. She pulls me into her and the tears are back. Stupid hormones. I return her embrace.
"Thank you so much for coming. He'll be so excited," she says as she pulls away. I smile half heartedly as she pushes me further into the madness. A small girl races around me and smiles up at me toothily. I swallow and start towards Finn, who luckily at this point is at least not attached to Edward. I'm five feet away when he lifts his eyes to me.
"Issybella!" His eyes are wide with excitement and he throws himself at me. I accept him willingly. I'm on the ground instantly and can't imagine a better place to be.
"Issybella I told daddy you would come, He said that you were busy and had new friends, but I told him that you promised and that friends always say yes to promises and did you see my new house?" he rambles. I laugh and nod my head along with his words. I run my hand through his hair and resist the urge to kiss his head. He stands quickly and urges me up.
"You hafta see my new room, daddy painted it and I have a Harry poster," he continues. I stand ready to follow him and then I see him. I freeze in place, Finn still tugging at my hand. His face is hard, full of too many emotions to place or name. Finn looks to see the delay and smiles.
"Daddy look! Issybella came! I tolded you!" he announces proudly. Edward nods and forces a smile. I hate that smile.
"Look at that, left her new friends just for you, kid," he states. Finn is oblivious to the bite in his father's tone, but I feel it. I swallow thickly and drop my eyes. Finn is drawn away with the promise of a piñata and suddenly we're mostly alone and I don't know what to do.
"He sent me an invitation. I couldn't say no. I know you don't want me here, but he's my friend," I insist. The words are true I just need him to believe them. I knew this was going to happen when I decided to come. And I chose to think of the child over the father. Like I'm constantly thinking of the peanut before myself. Edward rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, you're an upstanding fucking citizen, Bella," he sighs. I bring my thumb to my mouth and try to compose myself. My one promise to myself was that I wasn't going to cry. I'm going to fail , but not here. I can wait. Wait til I am at my hotel and only strangers will be privy.
"Don't Edward. Please don't. You were very clear when you….when you left and I know how you feel, but I came here for Finn. Please," I plead. I just need him to make this bearable. Not that anything where he is so close and still so closed off would be bearable. I'm not going to try to explain myself here. There's a few folded sheets in my bag that I hope will do that for me. If he doesn't burn them first.
"Fine. Have a nice time then," he states turning away from me. I should be used to this action from him. I stand there for a moment until a small voice calls me towards them. I go through the party in a haze, only emerging to interact with Finn when he demands my attention. Luckily for me he's easily and often distracted.
I don't let my eyes search Edward out, I can feel him around me, but I don't look. He obviously hasn't softened at all. The party starts to wind down as the sun sets. I watch as Savannah says goodbye to the guests. I search for Finn and find him curled up on Edward's chest in a deck chair. The image stops me cold.
"He's not exactly a beacon of sunshine lately," Savannah says from behind me. I turn my head to look at her. I don't reply. My explanations aren't meant for her. She squeezes my shoulder.
"Thank you again for coming. It really means a lot to Finn and me and the asshole," she smiles. I nod thickly and sigh. I help her clean up a little and then look back towards my suitcase. This was what I came for. And now my commitment is done. I make my way slowly towards father and son. Edward keeps his eyes on the horizon and I kneel to address Finn.
"Hey buddy, thanks so much for inviting me. I had so much fun," I say. It's not a lie if it makes someone feel good right? He smiles tiredly at me and reaches out a hand to stroke my cheek. Damn tears again.
"Don't go Issybella. Stay and be my friend still. I know lots more games now and we can play on the beach," he says. I smile shakily.
"I wish I could buddy, but I have to go," I reply. His face twists into something sad and I know this is what he needs. He deserves a goodbye and that's what I'm here to give him.
"You know that….that…" the words catch in my throat, held in place by the intense gaze of Edward. I take a deep breath.
"You know that I love you and we'll always be friends. You can call me or write me and I'll always answer," I tell him. Edward sucks in a breath. Finn nods solemnly letting his eyes slide closed. I stand slowly wanting to say so much to Edward, but knowing that anything I say will end up a blubbering mess.
"Are you leaving tonight?" Edwards voice stops me. I shake my head and take a step back.
"No, first thing in the morning," I whisper. It's all I can manage. I keep my eyes on the water. My hand twitches wanting to find comfort in my reason to be strong, but I stay still.
"Where are you staying?" he asks. I take a shuddering breath and wish he would just let me leave, this forced small talk is worse than silence.
"Just some place by the airport," I answer again. My hand begins its journey towards my bag. This is the moment, I'll give him my closure and walk away. I can do this, just walk away. My eyes betray me and glance up at his face just in time to see the frown settle in.
"Which place is it?" he presses. I sigh dejectedly, he needs to let me leave. I let him, he needs to do the same. I brush my bangs out of my face.
"Just the cheapest place I could find. I just needed a place to sleep. Nothing else," I reply. And costs the equivalent of the least amount of days. He sighs heavily and swallows several times.
"Why don't you just stay here? The place is big enough for both of us and those places aren't safe," he offers softly. I raise my hand to cover my mouth to mask to the sob that fights through coming out like a pitiful squeak. I shake my head and take several steps back.
"No, I don't think that's a good idea. I'll just take a cab. That'll be better," I insist. I can feel the familiar churn in my stomach. Not now. Please not now. I swallow thickly and take deep breaths through my nose trying everything to fight off the urge. My hand covers my mouth instinctively and I turn from him.
"Where are you going? What's wrong?' he demands. I turn to see him slide Finn onto a chair before standing to follow me. I shake my head and hold up my hand to keep him at bay. The salvia floods my mouth and I know I'm screwed. I search for somewhere to do this and settle for the large trashcan we were using to clean up.
I lean over the trashcan and empty my stomach. The peanut and I were supposed to have a deal. This was supposed to wait til the hotel. I clutch the edges and wait for it to pass. Edward places a tentative hand on my back and I flinch away. My breaths are heavy and shuddering.
"Are you sick Bella? Emmett said you were better," his voice is soft, reminiscent of the way he used to talk to me. My mind rages. Emmett. I should have known he wouldn't be able to not say anything. I close my eyes and pull away from the trashcan.
"I'm fine. I must just be a little sick from the flight. It's nothing," I tell him. My mouth tastes foul and I reach for a bottle of water still on one of the tables. I swish out my mouth and spit it to the side. At least I feel a little better now. But I need my saltines and that obnoxious body pillow Emmet bought me.
"Really, stay here. You shouldn't be alone and sick in a motel room ok?" Edward offers again. I want to say yes. Just to be close to him, but nothing good can come of this. I lick my lips and take another sip of water. I look towards him and offer him a terse smile.
"I'm fine now. I'll be fine," I answer. Staying the night here will only give my mind too much ammunition to use against myself later. I'll be able to picture him at home, here and see myself and the peanut here. That would only break me further and I have to stay whole. He reaches for me and then pulls his hand back before he makes contact.
"You're not fine. You're shaking and pale and sweating. Jesus, would you sit down and just stay here?" he pleads. It's the timber of his voice, it's the tug it still has on me. I wonder if he knows I won't be able to say no. I look down and swallow hard.
"Are you going to let me say no?" I ask.
"No, so sit down. I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?" he replies. I make my way to the chair where Finn is still asleep and sink down next to him, wanting the comfort of his even breathing.
"No. I don't want anything," I sigh. He disappears inside the house and I lean back letting my eyes close. Maybe he'll let me talk, hear my words rather than read them. My hope surges and I push it back down. I will not allow myself to have hope here, its too dangerous.
Finn shifts in his sleep and I move even closer to him. I stare down at him and feel the tears finally slide over my cheeks. All the haze I have traveled through, all the emotions that have plagued me suddenly come together and I'm sad. Sadness that gives way to anger.
The door opens again and Edward appears. I keep my eyes down as he settles in the chair across from me. There's no use in trying to stop the tears and I don't want to spare him whatever it will make him feel. The air is warm and heavy and I sink further into the chair letting the tears continue. I focus on the sound of the ocean and the small boy curled into my side.
The tears slow and I take a deep breath to calm myself. Even if he doesn't want to hear my words, there are things that need to be said. Things he needs to say.
"How could you?" The words slip from my mouth before I can stop them. They resound in the calm around us. I hear his sharp intake of breath.
"It's been a really long day. We shouldn't talk about this right now," he sighs. My head jerks up to look at him. His head is in his hands. I clench my jaw and steel my nerves. It has to be now.
"Not right now?" I laugh bitterly and shake my head "Then when Edward? It's not like you were every eager to talk about this. Apparently everything you needed to see you read on a computer screen."
I lick my lips and twist my hands in my lap. I'm beyond containing the anger now.
"It was pretty cut and dry, Bella. Keep your voice down, Finn's sleeping next to you," he scolds. Carefully, I ease myself away from Finn and stand. My anger doesn't work so close to something so innocent. I take several steps towards the ocean and pause.
"There was nothing cut and dry about that. Nothing. You said you loved me. When you love someone you trust them. You can't have one without the other. But clearly you never trusted me. So how could you have loved me?" I stammer. I suck my bottom lip into my mouth as it quivers. I wrap my arms around myself and turn to face him. His eyes are still on the ground.
"You couldn't have loved me. If you loved me you would have never read those awful words and assumed I would ever say something like that about Finn. Because no matter what you said or what you think, I love him. But you, you lied when you said those things to me," I choke. I swallow and press a hand over my mouth to try to gain composure. My stomach turns again and now they're tears of frustration.
I try to coax the bile back down, but it rises steadily. I rush back to the trashcan and heave. There's little left but water. I feel Edward behind me and he doesn't hesitate before placing his hand on my back. I go slack against the trashcan and just try to breathe.
"Please….please don't touch me," I beg. My mind can't handle the touch. He presses another bottle of water into my hand and I open it and take a long sip, cleaning my mouth out once again. Apparently stress makes the night sickness worse. I set the water down and try to steady myself. My whole body burns as I'm pulled into a familiar chest.
Sobs catch in my throat as I try to hold them down. I press against him, but he holds tight. I hiccup into him and clench my fists between our bodies. His voice carries down, a soft hush on his lips. My head shakes with refusal and I hit his chest with my fist.
"No, no, no," I stammer. I use the small space I have to beat my fists into his chest over and over. I know it can't possibly hurt, but there has to be some way to make this even. Some way to make him feel an ounce of the pain he left me with. So I keep hitting. I hit him for the weeks I lost to the haze, hit him for the friend he left behind who now serves as my babysitter, hit him for the life growing inside of me that I still want him to love.
"Shhhh, stop fighting me. You're going to make yourself sick again," he whispers into my hair. But I can't stop my fists. My body begins to sag as all the emotion sucks away the last of my energy.
"Just a lie. All the words, all the chapters, all just fiction," I sob. His hands reach between us to cover my fists. He clasps them between his hands and stills them. I slump against him and he lets go of the fists to wrap one arm around me. We start moving towards the house and I'm beyond fighting or caring.
He stops and releases me to pull Finn into his arms and then guides me into the house. My eyes stay on the ground, watching the shuffling steps of my feet, avoiding looking at the house. We stop at a door and Edward lets go of me to twist the knob and nudge me inside.
My feet are wobbly as I make my way to the bed, I reach out a hand and run it over the familiar comforter. My eyes dart around unable to avoid the temptation anymore. It looks so much like the room I used to know. The same basic elements just in a new package.
The open bathroom door catches me eye and I stumble towards it. I forgo the lights and reach for the mouthwash I know will be to the left of the sink. My fingers twist open the cap and I take a long pull. I swish trying to get out more than the lingering taste of sick. I want this whole day to swirl down the drain.
My words weren't enough. They weren't even the words I wanted to say, that I wanted to leave with him. I let my anger win out and now all he has to remember me by are broken questions and sad truths. I hear a shuffle behind me and know he's there. I turn slowly to face, him, leaning in the doorway.
"Do you need anything?" he asks. I swallow and run my tongue over my teeth.
"My suitcase is still outside, so you can just tell me where the couch is and I'll be out of your hair," I state. Everything is gone now, drained.
"If you think I'm going to have you sleeping on the couch after you've thrown up twice, you're out of your mind," he shoots back. I nod and bring my thumb to my mouth. Now he has words and emotion. Now that I have no need for them.
"Just tell me what you want me to do Edward," I relent. It'll be easier if I just play along. This will only last a few more hours and then I'll be back in my reality. Surely I can last that long.
"Get into bed," he presses. I glance over at the bed and swallow thickly. That might be the one thing he wants that I can't do. I bite my lip and plead with him using my eyes. He turns away and opens a drawer. He holds out the sweater, the one he knows I love. I reach out shakily to take it. There's no denying I want it. But it all means something to me and knowing it means something to me and nothing to him….brings back the haze.
"Don't you have a guest room?" I argue. He shakes his head, but I don't know why. I know there has to be another room where I can stay, where I will be safe from the consequences of being close to him.
"I'd rather you stay here. I don't want you to be by yourself if you get sick again," he states. The fighting words are there, but there's nothing left to bring them to life. I just nod inching towards the bed.
"I'll sleep on the floor if you're uncomfortable," he offers. I should let him, should protect myself in that way, but this maybe the last time. Possibly the last time I get to be close like this to him. The last and only time he'll be close to the baby whether he knows it or not.
"There's plenty of room," I sigh. I turn my back to keep the guise of modesty as I pull my clothes from my body. There's nothing sexual about feeling so bare. I slip the sweater over my head and ease onto the bed.
I lift the covers minutely and slip under them, keeping my body to the farthest corner. The bed sinks with Edward's weight and I clutch at the covers. This wasn't part of the plan. I was supposed to be in an airport hotel by now, with this all behind me. That's how Emmett and I planned it. That's how I convinced him he didn't need to come. I just didn't plan on still feeling this way about him, on him still having a hold over me. I should have known better.
My eyes clench shut, but my mind and heart are racing. I try to control my breathing, I need to be calm. Excitement isn't good for peanut. And then his arms reaches out and pulls me back towards him. The movement is fluid and so quick I don't have time to brace myself.
My body tense as he wraps himself around me, his hand open on my stomach. I was sure my body was dry, left with nothing after all the tears and sick, but the tears come up again and I close my eyes wishing we were in a different story. One where he knew what was under his hand and I wasn't leaving with the sun.
"I wish things hadn't turned out this way," he breaths into my neck. I remain still taking in his words. "And I did…do love you. Please don't doubt that."
I'll take his words because they will be a band aid for the bullet hole, but that's all. I close my eyes, but don't sleep. Instead I savor everything ounce of this moment. The feeling of him behind me, the smell, every piece. And when the sun slips into the room, I slide from under his arm.
My exit is quick, I don't bother with the changing just slip my jeans back on. I reach into my bag and pull out the envelope and lay it on the pillow. I leave him my words along with everything else I love.