A/N t&a: Finally, finally, finally we can give you all something that will (hopefully) make you happy. It makes up happy anyway. Almost as happy as all of you make us. For being beautiful and wonderful and supportive and just totally fucking fabulous.

We sound repetitive but we don't own. If we did, the book would not be recommended for persons under the age of 18.

Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me.
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh, my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes.
"The Mess I Made" Parachute

Dear Edward.

Dear me.

I've always hated the formality of dear in letter writing, always found it strangely impersonal. I've always hated the word dear in general. It's appropriate in letters for business but for personal letters? It's such a bland word.

So boring. So impersonal. So cold.

She left before I woke up. She left and all I've got is a letter in bubbly black ink. A letter that says things like nothing has ever hurt more than it did when you doubted my love for you. Things like Alice is abrasive and rude and self-centered and had no way of fully comprehending anything about our relationship through a computer screen. Things like I never thought I'd meet anyone that would love me the way you did and I'm sorry that it was cut short.

She left me a letter filled with words that cut, words that inspire things like regret and longing and heartbreak.

The way she looked at Finn with tears filling her eyes is what made me realize that I may have overreacted. Yeah, you think? Overreacted is an understatement for what I did.

It wasn't the words on the screen that did me over. It was the idea that my kid was being exposed to somebody that maybe didn't love him as much as I do, somebody that didn't care about his well-being as much as I do. Wrong, obviously. But in that instant, in the few seconds it took to read those few words, the fear settled. Because my job above anything else is to protect him.

I close my eyes as the plane descends.

The regret, the realization that I got on a flight and ran away before making even the slightest effort to salvage the only relationship I've had of any substance, waking up with her gone made me move. Because I want her back.

I want that beautiful girl back in my life, wrapped up in my arms in my bed every single night. I don't want to wake up with her gone ever again.

When we land I text Savannah to let her know that I arrived just because it's common courtesy and grab the backpack at my feet. I don't plan on staying for more than 24 hours. I plan on going to her place, apologizing, and bringing her home with me. The end.

The cab ride passes in a blur and soon we're pulling up to her building. And it's so weird being back here on this street because the last time I walked through this door I was saying goodbye to it.

I take the stairs up to her apartment because I'm just too fucking impatient to wait for the elevator which takes fucking forever on a good day.

"Edward?"

I look up. I had been so focused on getting to her door that I didn't notice anything around me in her hallway.

"Hey, Em," I say with a nod and try not to be disturbed or fucking pissed that he's been here with her while I haven't. Because I owe him gratitude more than angry words.

"What are you doing here?"

"Uh…" I look around and then back at him. "Going for a walk? What are you doing here?"

"I was just leaving." He starts for the elevator but then turns back with a sigh. "Look, man, she's been a fucking mess since you left. She's been doing better. If you make this shit worse again I'm seriously gonna have to kick you in the balls."

I stare at him for a moment in shock and he shrugs at me. "I'll fight dirty," he says and puts his hands in the air. "S'all I'm saying."

I nod and shove my hands in my pockets. "I can appreciate that."

"How's the kid doing? I spoke to him the other day. Told him I was gonna come visit soon."

"Good, you should."

"Yeah, I'll give you a call in a few days. Anyway, I'll catch you later."

I nod and watch him get into the elevator before walking over to Bella's door. I lift my fist and knock three times hard.

I hear her moving towards the door and then it swings open. "Did you leave some… oh." She stops speaking immediately and her eyes fall to our feet before looking back up at me. She wraps an arm around her stomach and doesn't say anything else.

She's wearing nothing but my sweater and a pair of thick socks that go up to her knees. She looks fucking adorable. And for a minute it registers that I should maybe wonder what the fuck she was doing with Emmett in her apartment wearing nothing but a sweater but there are more important things to think about.

Like how fucking adorable she looks with her hair falling in waves down to her shoulders. But her eyes are vacant and so fucking sad.

"Do you think I can come in?" I ask because I can't exactly assume that shit at this point.

"I guess." She shrugs and steps aside.

The rooms are bare but for a bunch of boxes everywhere, her futon, and the television. I turn and lift an eyebrow at her. Where the fuck is she going?

"Are you going somewhere?" I ask as calmly as possible.

She looks down again and starts fiddling with one of the boxes that haven't been taped shut yet. "Yeah, I'm going to move back home," she says softly and my heartbeat, if possible, doubles in speed. "There just isn't a lot here for me now and things… things are complicated."

I run my fingers throw my hair and then clasp them behind my neck. First things first I suppose. "Listen," I begin, "I need to say a few things."

She doesn't answer or look up. The only way I know that she even heard me is by the slight bob of her head. And I feel like such a prick, the biggest asshole for making her like this.

"Maybe you can look at me while I say them?"

She sighs and lifts her head slowly until her eyes meet mine and the sadness in them is staggering. "Can I just ask you one thing before you start?"

I nod. "Of course."

"If this is going to bed bad, just don't," she says quickly. "If it's more of the same, I can't hear it. So, yeah."

I acknowledge that guilt is a sort of useless emotion but I can't help the way it surges through me at her words. I shake my head. "It's not," I assure her softly.

She eyes me warily and then nods for me to begin.

"I should've never doubted your feelings for me or for Finn," I blurt out. "I knew better. I trusted you, do trust you more than I've trusted just about anyone ever before. I was wrong and I'm really, really sorry for that, Bella."

She sucks in a ragged breath and holds it for a moment before releasing it. "So you know that I would never, could never say anything like that about Finn? You know?"

I nod. "I do. And I knew that then, too. If I hadn't known it, Bella, I never would've left him alone with you. Ever. I just… instinct. Instinct took over and I needed to protect my kid and myself in that moment. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't excuse the way I acted, but it's all I've got."

"It was a… shitty thing to do. You say you knew, but why then? You could've called or come back or anything. I thought, I thought horrible things." She takes another deep breath and looks away for a moment before looking straight back at me. "And you two were my story, everything."

I wait, contemplating my next words.

"We still want to be," I finally say quietly.

Her eyes widen and she takes a step back, away from me. And then another.

"Bella." I rub my eyes and let my shoulders drop. "I fucked up. This isn't even something that I admit on a regular basis. But, god, I fucking love you. I love you so much and my kid is head over fucking heels with you and I can't just… not try. You're too important. I know I hurt you and if I could take it all back and just act like a rational civilized human being I would. But I can't. I acted like a total dick and I don't deserve your forgiveness but I'm asking for it."

I take a few steps towards her and thankfully she doesn't move away. "We fell asleep together the other night and then I fucking woke up and you weren't there. And I realized that more than anything else, there's nothing I want more than to just wake up with you every fucking day of my life."

Her thumb goes up to rest between her teeth and she eyes me warily. "I don't know. I'm not sure I can let you. If you left again, if you doubted me again…" her voice trails off.

"If. I won't. I promise you that I won't." I close the gap between us and pull her hand from her mouth. "Bella, I fucking need you."

She sighs and tilts her chin up. "How can you promise that? I mean your words don't have the best track record. You said you loved me and then you left me." She lifts the flap off of the box and then lets it fall again. "And I'm sorry, because your words are really beautiful and I want nothing more than to believe them, but…"

I nod in understanding. "You have no reason to believe them." I push a piece of hair behind her ear and then rest my hand on her cheek. "Except you love me. And even though I hurt you, you know I love you too." I sigh and put my other hand on her other cheek. "I can't force you. I don't deserve a second chance after the way I acted. But I'm asking if there's even a tiny part of you that thinks that this is salvageable to please try."

She looks down at her feet and I feel my heart hammering in my chest. Is it possible that I've totally fucked this up beyond any sort of solution?

After the first two minutes I drop my hands from her face. This feels all wrong. I feel like that dumb fuck in a movie that goes and spills his guts to a girl way out of his league because somebody somewhere convinced him that he had a chance.

"It's not even a tiny part of me," she says softly, finally. But they're not the words I want to hear. Not even a little bit. Not at all. And then she looks up at me and her eyes are filled with tears and she says, "It's so much of me that I feel a little betrayed by myself."

Oh Jesus. I let out the longest breath I think I've ever held and crush her to my chest. I hear myself whisper thank you over and over and over again and then I pull her down onto the futon, onto my lap, and just hold her to me.

"My words may not hold very much merit right now," I say, pulling back to hold her face again, "but I fucking promise that I won't pull any shit like that again."

"You can't ever again. You don't know how much it's not an option."

"I love you," I tell her. "I love you so fucking much."

The tears start spilling fast down her cheeks and I wipe them away with my thumbs. "Always? No matter what? Even if things happen you don't expect?"

"Always," I tell her with a nod and then crush my mouth to hers. Because it's been so fucking long since I've felt this girl's mouth on mine, her body pressed tightly against mine, molding to me in the most perfect fucking way imaginable. "Always," I repeat against her mouth.

Her arms go around me, fingers tangle in my hair, and she says, "I love you. Always."

I lean in and kiss her again, softer this time, just enjoying the feel of her around me. I lean back to lie down because I want to feel her body on top of mine, all of her weight pressed into me, and hit my head on the wall.

I groan and she giggles. "As soon as we go back to California, we're throwing this piece of shit out."

She pauses and her eyes dart from my lips to my eyes, back and forth, until she says, "My parents are expecting me. You want me to come? Are you sure?"

"Am I fucking sure? You think I came all the way here to kiss and make up and then leave you again? Did I hit my head or did you?" I run my hands up and down her back.

She laughs softly and then more tears spill from her eyes. "You can't give me back now, you know. I'm yours. No refunds or exchanges."

"The only thing I want to give back is this poor excuse for a fucking bed," I tell her and wipe the tears away again. "I know this is pretty Lifetime emotional but you don't usually cry this much. Are you okay?"

She leans back slightly and wipes at her eyes. "No I'm not okay. My supposed asshole boyfriend just made this stupid grand gesture worthy of a pinnacle moment and I'm not even wearing pants."

I laugh and slide my hands down under the sweater and over her ass. "I'm not a supposed asshole. I'm an asshole. But, on the bright side, I'm an asshole who loves it when you don't wear pants."

I squeeze her ass and then press up against her. She whimpers slightly and moves against me.

"The benefits of no pants. How soon do you think we can move up to the nothing but those cute little socks when you're in the house deal?"

I slide my hands up her bare back and she shivers when I ghost my fingers over her spine. "You're still on thin ice. And I expect you to make this up to me. To Finn and I. We have lost time to make up for."

"Whatever you want," I whisper. "As long as I can just kiss you right now." I lean in again and she presses her lips to mine, arching into me again. "I really missed kissing you."

"I missed everything about you," she whispers against my lips.

I groan because hearing that in that soft voice is quite possibly the biggest turn on ever. I flip us over and brace myself on my elbows over her. "I wish this stupid fucking bed was open." And then I dip down and kiss her again and again and again.

Her legs go around my waist and she lifts up to press herself to me. I slide my hand up her shirt and cup her tit, squeezing, making her gasp and arch her back towards me. I grind my hips against hers but our mouths never part.

She pulls away from my mouth slightly and says, "Hey, slow down, there's something I want you to see."

I lean back, panting, and look at her face which is so fucking happy thank god I can't even be pissed at her for interrupting.

"Porn?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes and pushes me until I'm sitting up. I watch as she grabs her computer and then crawls back over to me. I pull her into my lap as she boots it up.

"Seriously, Bella, are we gonna watch some porn together again because it's my turn to choose this time."

"No, there's someone I want you to meet."

I wrap my arms around her stomach and drop my forehead to her shoulder. "You didn't actually just interrupt that to introduce me to Alice in a video chat, did you?"

"No, not Alice. Someone you want to meet… I mean, I hope want to meet."

I look up because her words are laced with nerves and excitement and watch as she cues up the DVD player on her computer. She covers my hand with hers and leans back into me as it begins to play.

The screen is static at first and then cuts to a fetus. I narrow my eyes. "Is this supposed to be some strange way of saying that you want to abstain from now on?" I ask and then realization hits and I swear to god my fucking heart stops for a minute. "Wait. Bella, is that…" my voice trails off and I watch mesmerized even though these videos rarely show anything distinguishable. I slide my hand over her stomach and just wait.

"There are probably better ways to tell you and all I can hope is that your silence is a good thing because I am really happy about this," she says and covers my hand again. "Even with everything else that happened, this was one of the best things I've ever taken part in."

"Bella," I whisper and I swear there are fucking tears in my eyes. Because if this is some sick joke I'm going to be really fucking devastated. I slide her off of my lap because I need to look at her, just look at her. This woman that I fucking love more than any other woman I've been with before is carrying my child. "Seriously?" I ask when I can finally see her face.

She nods and then offers me a smile. "I know it's not what we planned, but yeah, we're gonna have a baby."

"Fuck what we planned," I say dismissively. "This is… this is… wow. Give me a minute because I'm crying like a little bitch right now." I laugh and wipe the tears from my face and then I lean over and wrap my arms tightly around her, burying my face in her hair.

"Bella," I whisper. "Bella, baby, this is fucking amazing." I pull back and press my lips hard against hers and there's moisture on her face but she's laughing too. We're both smiling so hard that it almost makes the kiss awkward. "Lay down."

She gives me a strange look but does as I ask anyway and I push the sweater up until it's bunched up under her tits and then lean down and press kiss after fucking kiss against her stomach.

"Hi, baby," I whisper and kiss the smooth skin again. Bella's hands go into my hair and rub my scalp.

"Are you happy?" she asks from above me.

I look up and then crawl up towards her. "Am I happy? Bella, I don't think I've ever been happier. You're carrying my baby," I whisper and kiss her. "You officially can't get rid of me ever."

She laughs. I turn so that I'm laying on my side and pull her towards me until her head is resting on my arm and my hand sits on her stomach. On our baby. "I never wanted to," she says.