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Jasper is off to BelialSotonia's for the weekend, have fun darlin'.
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Only At Night
Chapter 8
Admissions
JPOV
I was a nervous damn wreck by the time I got to the club to search out my angel. What if she was not there? What if she moved on in my absence? What if she wasn't happy to see me? I was dizzy thinking of all the things that could go wrong until the cab pulled up to the front of the club. I stepped out and paid the driver and Emmett caught my gaze as I turned to survey the line. He nodded me over and I felt that had to be a good sign, unless of course he told me to get lost. I walked straight to him and extended my hand. Shaking my hand he smiled looking me in the eyes. God I was relieved.
"How have you been?" Emmett released my hand.
"Good, you?" I held his gaze.
"Good, she's already inside, go on in." Emmett waved me in ahead of the line.
Yes. If he thought she didn't want me here he would not have let me through the doors. Either she had said something or he knew I was good for her. More importantly, she was here, my angel was just on the other side of the door. I couldn't wait to see her.
The minute I was through the door I looked to the bar to her usual seat. She wasn't there. Mike looked up and saw me and nodded me over. I sat down in her stool facing Mike.
"Hi, Mike." I shook his hand.
"Hi, she's dancing." Mike motioned to the dance floor with his chin.
"Thanks." I smiled and chuckled at how perceptive these two guys were.
"Quit worrying. What are you drinking?" Mike ginned at me and gave me a wink.
I couldn't help it; I full out smiled and ordered a beer. I watched her dance through the mirror and she seemed so lost in her own little world. She moved to the music with her eyes closed for a few songs. I felt like shit wondering if I caused that melancholy. The DJ finally played some lame slow song and she opened her eyes and headed toward the bar looking for Mike. Her eyes swept across the bar and she noticed me in her seat. At first she looked pissed, then just as quickly she beamed the most radiant smile and walked quickly towards me. My heart pumped harder and seemed to warm. As she slid in next to me, I held her glass out and counted us off. "1, 2, 3, hi."
I held onto the stool for her as she sat and turned us to face each other holding her hand. I was so happy to see her and to see her smiling for me that I grinned like an idiot. I stared into her eyes and moved the hair from her face and felt the warmth of her cheek.
Mike joined us for a shot and pretended for her benefit that we had not already spoken.
I was just so happy to be in her company again, watching her reflection next to mine in the mirror while we had a couple drinks. I really just wanted her to myself but didn't want to be an ass.
"Do you want to get out of here? I have something for you." I hoped I wasn't being too presumptuous. Maybe the gifts were not such a good idea after all. I felt the panic start to rise. My chest tightened and I felt my breath stick in my ribs.
To my astonishment the panic was unwarranted, Bella was just as eager to leave as I was and after secretly promising both Emmett and Mike that she would text them she was ok we left the club. Her car was in the lot and she was uncomfortable with leaving it again, so she handed me the keys. We didn't make it out of the parking lot before the lust overtook both of us. I felt like a high school kid doing it in the car, it took about that long too. We were both so damn horny for the other. It was physically uncomfortable as hell and I'm sure she felt the same way, but neither of us seemed to be able to restrain ourselves. That was a good thing, right?
The way this woman made me feel was like nothing short of a miracle. I hated every minute of the time I missed away from her suddenly, and wondered why the hell I ever thought it was a good idea in the first place to give her time and space when all I wanted was to never let her out of my sight again.
I was so damn excited about my surprise for her I nearly blew it. I was really such an idiot sometimes. I got so nervous when I went to tell her what I had bought her that it came out all wrong and frankly kind of creepy. Shit, I asked her to indulge my fantasies and she panicked. I swear that she turned partly green and I freaked out realizing the way I asked it. I tried to explain but as soon as I opened my mouth she shocked the shit out of me, basically saying she'd do whatever I wanted and she'd make all my fantasies come true. Hell, I felt like such a dick. I had to let her know that was not cool. She should never do anything she didn't want and I would never ask that of her. God I can't even begin to imagine what must have went through her head. I was too damn excited about my plans and got ahead of myself. She took it really well and seemed so grateful after I reassured her.
She laughed when I told her it was boots and a hat. I was so embarrassed by the time I had to spit out that it included lingerie but she reassured me. Going off to try on one of her new 'outfits' as she called them I slammed a couple shots. I had to get control over myself I was behaving like a complete ass tonight. Way to win her heart, Peter was right I was a little fuck.
When she came back out that bedroom door in the boots and hat and the little cowgirl bra and panty set I thought I was going to lose my damn mind. I never wanted anything so badly in my life. She was so damn hot and so fucking cute. She bantered on with some role playing and I just lost it. I took her then and there and well, frankly, everywhere in the suite and couldn't get enough of her. I feared that we would burn the place to the ground from the heat between us.
I was in so much trouble. I was falling so hard. If she tossed me to the side now I didn't think I would recover.
She modeled some of the other items I picked out for her and with each new 'outfit' I was sinking further and further. She was so playful and happy and confident and all I wanted was to see this girl in her lingerie for the rest of my days. She went in to change again and I knew the next piece would be my undoing. It was something I never should have done. I almost put it back when I was at the store. It was really a wedding night ensemble and I fantasized that she would finally be mine if she put it on. When she walked out that door in it I was already at the door waiting for her.
"I can't take it anymore, I need you, now."
She giggled; she didn't realize how serious I was. She seriously asked if I saw anything that had made my list of things I couldn't live without and I muttered something about not caring if it was a paper bag and scooped her up and carried her over the threshold of the bedroom and made love to her.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
Bella fell asleep in my arms and I knew I had messed things up. I knew it was too soon. I knew she was going to wake up and freak out.
When I knew she was asleep I went in the other room and called Peter in a complete panic.
"Peter, I fucked up man. I blew it." I blabbered the minute he picked up the phone.
"What happened Jasper? Calm the fuck down." Peter whispered into the phone.
"I can't calm down. I made love to her, damn it." I practically cried.
"Well, normally that wouldn't be a bad thing. Did she leave?" Peter's voice was calm and slow.
"Not yet, she's still asleep, Peter, the minute she wakes up she is going to bolt for the door. I pushed her too far, too fast. She didn't say a word afterwards. I didn't mean to, it just happened."
"Stop freaking out. She is going to leave. Let her. I know it is going to hurt like a mother fucker, but if you don't let her go now, you are going to scare her away for good. Let her go and think about it. She needs to decide that she wants it and that she is ready for it. You can not force it on her if she isn't ready you little fuck." He actually sounded pissed at me.
"I know damn it, I know. Fuck Peter, what am I going to do if she gets so scared off that she never speaks to me again?" The tears started to roll down my cheek. I'd never live this shit down.
"Jasper, it will be ok, she is just going to need some more time now." Peter used his best parental soothing voice. It worked; I started to feel myself calming down.
"Ok. I'll call you later."
I hung up and paced the suite for a good hour. I knew better than to do that, but wait, she made love to me too. She wanted it as much as I did. Would that matter to her if she still wasn't emotionally ready? No. She's was going to be a scared little rabbit just like me. Jesus what a pair we were.
My mind went over every conceivable outcome and I had to believe that she would be panicked about what happened between us and she'd pull away. I knew it was going to kill me but I would have to let her go. Peter was right. Shit, he was always right. How the hell did he do it, did our parents impart some secret wisdom unto him with their passing? Would it not have been fair to provide me with some of that insight?
Crawling in bed next to her I tried not to disrupt her. I feel asleep for a few hours and woke instantly panicked that I would discover that she had left, but she lay, still at my side, breathing deeply. Utter relief flooded through me. It was just after noon when she started to stir. I picked up the book on the bedside table just so she wouldn't feel awkward.
Turning to face me she smiled. My heart melt a little more. "Working?" she asked.
"Yeah, just doing some catch up." I tried to smile but I knew it wasn't my usual happy to be with her grin. I was too damn worried about what was about to happen. And then it hit.
"I really should go home; I have a lot of catch up to do too." Her face fell, her beautiful warm face fell and her hair created an insurmountable barrier between us.
"It's okay, I understand." All the while daggers stabbed through my heart with each syllable.
She retreated to the bathroom and I packed her things into the shopping bags. I wanted her to take them with, maybe she'd think about me and, who the fuck knows what I was thinking. I just knew I couldn't bear to look at them without her here with me.
I walked her to her car and put her bags into the back, at least she didn't argue with me about taking them with her. I didn't know what to say or do. I was so afraid that if I opened my mouth the only thing that would come out was "please don't leave me" and I knew that she was not ready for that.
Closing her car door around her tucking her safely inside I kissed her lips and said the only thing I could get out without breaking down and begging her to stay. "Drive safe darlin'." I turned and practically ran back to the hotel lobby not looking back no matter how much I wanted to or she'd see the tears streaming down my face. God, I was a fucking mess. Some tough cowboy I was. I went back to the penthouse and cursed myself and my stupidity. I deserved to lose her, she deserved better than me.
Now I was stuck here all week for the second round of interviews. How the hell could I stay away from her and give her the time and space she so clearly needed with out Peter's help.
Miraculously I received a call and I had to fly out to Syracuse on Thursday morning to meet with the Dean about a position in NY. I would stay the weekend to meet with some of the other faculty on Monday and Tuesday. At least I was geographically removed from any fleeting ideas of stupidity on my part if Peter couldn't be with to babysit my dumbass. Peter demanded I fly straight home from NY and made up some bullshit excuse about needing my help on the ranch. Peter didn't need me; I was the one helplessly dependent on my big brother. At least he didn't rub my face in it though.
It was torture to stay away from her for two full weeks. God she better decide she needed me by the time I went back to Seattle or I would not be able to handle it.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~
BPOV
It was time to make some decisions. Rosalie was right. My soul was dying slowly day by day. Not allowing anyone in refusing to establish relationships was taking its toll on me. My closest relationships were Mike and Emmett, a bouncer and a bartender. They knew next to nothing about me. Oh sure, they knew that I was damaged goods, promiscuous, I could hold my liquor, I went to school and I was completely alone. That's all they knew. And that information was all from observation, nothing I actually divulged. They knew nothing about HIM, although I'm sure they guessed a HIM existed, just like Rosalie had. They didn't know where I was from or that my parents were dead.
Apologies were in order. I owed Jay an apology and I owed my professors an apology. God it was like being in a twelve step program. Admit I had a problem, had wronged others and seek absolution. By Wednesday I had sought forgiveness from all the people I had shut out the past three weeks.
I spoke with Rose every day usually about nothing more than my progress and the day's happenings. She was busy with wedding plans and was happy to have someone to discuss colors and flowers with. It was nice to just talk to someone.
It was time to let someone in. Rosalie was a good start, a sister. I had to do better than that. I knew I had to start slow but I had to find out what Jasper wanted. I could not deny any longer that I cared for him.
By Friday I had made the decision to try to actually get to know Jasper, if he showed up. If he didn't want that, it was time to move on. I could not try to open up to someone who wasn't willing to do the same. The ending would be inevitable. Rose agreed and provided me with the best sounding board; she just listened and reined me in when my fears ran away.
I studied, ate and got ready to go out. Feeling confident and ready I hoped Jasper would be there. If he wasn't I would just keep waiting for him to return. There would be no other men until I was able to talk to him. Hell, I realized there had been no other men since the moment I saw him. There wouldn't be any other men, not the way it had been, not without more and not until I was ready for more. I prayed the only other man in my future would be Jasper. I prayed he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
I took my time repairing Jasper's favorite western themed thong and picked out a denim skirt and red button down blouse. Pulling on my black boots I smiled thinking about soft supple leather between my feet. I twisted my hair into two long braids and pulled the hat down onto my head.
I pulled in the lot and headed into the bar. Butterflies danced in my stomach, nervous that Jasper would not be there; nervous that he would be. I could do this. Emmett was flashing me his thousand watt smile as I approached him. Pulling me into him by the waist Emmett leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Bella, you look beautiful."
"Why thank you Emmett." I flashed him my own best smile before entering the club behind him.
Mike saw me as soon as I entered the bar. I swear Emmett radioed him when ever I arrived. Standing back Mike covered his heart with both hands and pretended to stagger backwards.
Handing Mike my purse I greeted him. "Howdy."
Mike handed over my shot and smiled. "I like it Bella." Gesturing to my outfit,
"Why thank you" Holding my glass up to his and we followed our ritual, "1, 2, 3, fuck it."
"Mike, I'm sorry that I have been a pain in the ass lately." Accompanying the apology I gave Mike my biggest smile.
"Hey, knock it off, you are entitled." Mike said refilling out shots.
"No, I'm really not, but thanks." I looked around knowing it was too early for Jasper to be here anyway. Mike and I talked for awhile and to my astonishment Rose walked up and joined me at the bar. I had no idea she was coming in.
"Rose, hi, what are you doing here?" I was so happy to see her that I gave her a hug.
"Now what kind of sister would I be if I didn't come and hang with you tonight?" Rose winked at me and smiled hello to Mike.
We sat and talked at the bar for a good hour. Mike joined us when he could I was actually having fun talking with Mike and Rose and dancing with Rose. My resolve began to wane a little and I said, "I think I am going to go home."
"Uh, you might want to hold on a minute honey." Mike pretended to wash glasses and pointed to the dance floor with his chin.
"Looking up into the mirror behind the bar, there was Jasper. He was on the dance floor and he was watching me. I could not have helped if I tried, the smile I felt inside manifested across my face.
Faintly next to me I heard Rose say "Oh my God."
Mike poured two shots, left the bottle and walked to the other end of the bar. Rosalie grabbed her drink and purse and followed after him.
Watching Jasper dance by him self was the hottest damn thing I had ever seen. Maybe it had something to do with the way his eyes never left me, boring into me. I turned around to face the dance floor and watched him for a minute. A beautiful blonde woman approached Jasper and began to dance against him. She was sporting heels so high I couldn't imagine how she stood in them let alone danced. Her long legs were toned and tanned and her short skirt and tank top clung to her perfect body. Jasper continued to watch me. Oh god, what if he was with her? What kind of idiot would I feel like sitting here in the boots and hat he bought me if he was with someone else? Did I finally drive him away last time?
Oh God, my stomach turned as he put his arm around her tiny little waist and leaned down to whisper in her ear; his eyes still glued to mine. What the hell am I thinking I have no hold on him; he can do what he wants. Shit, there are probably dozens of my past partners in this club right now. He pointed his chin towards me and the blonde smiling followed his gaze. Oh God, he was talking about me.
The blonde, that I seriously considered having thrown out of the club, smiled to me turned back to Jasper, said something to him, they both nodded and she walked away. I felt sick and angry. Damn it he was mine. I am not going to lose him now.
Jasper continued to dance, watching me. Oh what the hell was going on? Mike and Rosalie were watching me now too and appeared as confused as I was. I glanced at Rose and she nodded in encouragement.
Turning back to watch Jasper he was walking towards me, smiling seductively. I held out his shot as he neared. He took the glass from me and waited while I picked up mine.
"1, 2, 3 dance with me darlin'?" Jasper continued to stare into my eyes while he waited for me to answer.
Grabbing the bottle I poured two more shots and counted us off "1, 2, 3, only with you cowboy." He purred in response and smiled.
Jasper put the bottle behind the bar and took my hand leading me to the dance floor. Pulling me close into his chest he wrapped one arm around my waist and held my hand up to his heart. It wasn't exactly a slow song so I looked quizzically into his eyes.
"I could care less what's playing, I'm not letting go of you darlin'." He offered in explanation to my unasked question.
He pulled me closer to his chest and kissed the top of my head. God, I had missed him.
"I love the outfit, am I correct about what is underneath?" He whispered into my ear breathing in the scent of my braid.
"Yes, good thing you made it in tonight, I would have hated to waste it." I winked at him. God I love being in his arms, I felt safe and happy.
We spent the next few hours dancing, sharing shots, and talking about the songs that played, the weather, local news; nothing about us.
Excusing myself to the ladies room I looked into the mirror and decided this was it, now or never, we needed to talk. Rose came in and walking straight to me hugged me.
"Stop worrying, he's crazy about you." She smiled softly as she whispered to me.
"Yeah?" I bit my bottom lip wondering if it was true.
"Oh yeah, I am sure. Trust me, he has been waiting for you honey." Rose giggled at my lack of confidence. "Now, go do what you need to do."
"Thank you."
I returned to Jasper's outstretched hand. Jasper leaned his forehead to mine and asked, "Can we please go to my place?"
"All weekend?" Nervously I bit my bottom lip.
"Please darlin', please all weekend." He responded equally nervous his forehead still pressed to mine.
"Yes." Shit, it came out before I could think it through; if he didn't want to open up I couldn't stay.
Flagging down Mike for my purse Jasper pulled bills out of his pocket.
"You guys leaving?" Mike asked reaching under the bar for my purse.
"Yes, we won't be in tomorrow so, don't worry about our girl. I'll take good care of her." Jasper handed Mike the bills across the bar looking him in the eye.
"Uh huh, you better." Mike returned Jasper's glare and took the bills.
"Bye love." Mike kissed my cheek and handed me my purse.
We drove my car to the hotel and took the elevator up to the suite in silence. Jasper took my purse and the key and put them in their spot on the table in the foyer.
"Darlin' I really missed you." Jasper pulled me into his arms and leaned his face to mine, our foreheads and noses touching. My breathing accelerated from anticipation and nerves.
We needed to talk but I wanted his lips on mine in the worst way. I needed to taste his sweet mouth and feel the electricity coursing between us. If talking didn't go well, it might just be the last time I ever got to feel that connection. I couldn't risk it. I licked my lips and promised myself that I would say whet I needed to say just as soon as that electricity subsided.
Tilting my head further back I connected to his lips slowly, gently at first and his lips responded. The heat and sparks rose inside me. We kissed for several minutes not moving from the foyer, not deepening the kiss, not making any attempts to break away.
It felt as though he was feeling the same need to prolong it as I was. Another minute went by and I realized we were no longer kissing. We were both just standing in one another's arms, lips touching, breathing awkwardly.
Jasper broke the silence with out moving away from me.
"Bella, we need to talk, please, let's sit down." He stepped back and led me by the hand to the Living room couch.
Jasper ran his hands through his messy curls. He looked so nervous. The contents of my stomach began to churn threatening to make a reappearance.
Taking off my hat and dropping it on the coffee table I sat back into the couch. "I know."
Jasper shifted his weight between his feet and sat at the opposite side of the couch facing straight ahead.
"Bella, I can't do this anymore; the weekends." He stuttered over the words and my stomach clenched as he said them. I waited for him to continue, I couldn't speak. If I tried to open my mouth now I would certainly be crying. Jasper ran his hands through his hair to the back of his neck.
"We've barely spoken in all the time we've spent together. All we do is fuck, don't get me wrong it's fantastic but you don't know anything about me. Everything I know about you I've pieced together and for all I know I could be completely wrong, although I doubt it. I haven't told you a thing about me, and you haven't told me a thing about you. Yet, somehow we both seem more comfortable in each other's arms than anywhere else. The truly fucked up part of it is, you probably know me better than anyone else in my life and I have a feeling I know you better than anyone, including your self."
"Jasper, I…." God I'm going to lose him and I can't even tell him how right he is.
He turned towards me and took my hands in his and pulled me closer, "I need more Bella. I can't stand being away from you."
Wait. What? He wanted more, not less?
"When you left last time I knew you needed space, I knew it was too much too soon. I tried to stay away, I tried to give you room. I can't do it Bella. I can't take it anymore." His breathing was heavy.
"Wait, Jasper you want more?" I looked up into his eyes begging for confirmation.
"Yes Bella, I want you. I want you everyday I want to know that there's no one else, I want to know that you want me too." His eyes held back the moisture building in them.
"Jasper there hasn't been anyone else since the moment I met you. I want you too, I want more than random weekends. I need you Jasper." I looked into his eyes and found peace.
"Oh god, Bella, I'm so fucking head over heels crazy about you, the past three weeks have killed me." Jasper's lips grazed over my jaw and down my neck.
"Jasper, this is not easy for me. I need to take it slow but I want this too. Can you be patient with me while we open up to each other?" My stomach started to calm and peace set in.
"As long as I know we are working towards a future together, yes Bella, I can be patient." He smiled sweetly. "I know you need time, so do I." He whispered the end of his statement so low I barely heard him.
We sat looking into each others eyes for several minutes.
"Jasper, can I ask you something?" I pulled my hands back into my lap.
"Anything." He brushed my hair from my face.
"What is your last name?" I looked down to my hands nervously.
Jasper laughed. "Whitlock."
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