Salvation
Chapter 8: Home
It was after that day that I really began to change.
Oh, I had already started before that—ever since his stone had ended up in my hands, it started—but it was only a precursor for what was to come after.
I still didn't know exactly what I was doing; if I had to guess I'd say neither of us did. But we still kept on, curious maybe, confused definitely.
He was by my side and we wanted to see how everything would play out—for the world, and for us as individuals.
Maybe we'd die for it all. I guessed it wouldn't be so bad.
But when Hiei told me how my enemy had now decided to agree to something that he should have logically refused, I saw my world begin to turn again.
"Hiei," I addressed him, "inform everyone immediately—from here on, Mukuro's just another individual demon."
"You like that idea?" he asked. I didn't answer. "Me too."
And he couldn't see it, but for some reason I smiled.
-.-.-
I entered the tournament because I needed to know that someone could bring me down. I couldn't rest until I did.
I know it was counter-productive, but I realized I shouldn't be the one on the throne anymore. I'd only bring the world down to a place it didn't need to be. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted all the beliefs that I had fought for to be crushed into the ground so I could see something better rise up in its place.
It was not really myself I wanted to be defeated, but everything I had stood for.
I hadn't exactly expected to fight against him, but once I knew I would, I felt it was fitting.
It was a fight that we had probably both thought about before, but there was no reason for it then—we were on the same side, after all.
Now, it was everyone on his own side, and we just happened to be the next in line.
When I stared him down across the battlefield, though, I knew this fight was meant to be.
Neither of us really had a reason to be fighting even now, but we wanted one.
I stared at him, and I could see it in his eyes: give me a reason, Mukuro, he said.
I must have had a moment of insight when he swung at me, with the way he kept yelling, tell me there's some reason we did all this.
He wanted to fight me, and I wanted him to—I felt I was pretty close to something good.
Then he sucked me in by hitting me where it hurt, and I knew we both wanted to resolve it.
There's a reason you fought so long, I told him. I knew it because I felt it, too.
I don't believe that, he tried to tell me, and I cornered him. He had no choice but to face me now.
He had no choice, and I wanted nothing more.
-.-.-
There's a way that the truth burns you, like the way acid or fire does.
This truth burned me hotter than any truth I had felt before, and at the same time, it never really tried to devour me.
It just wanted me to see.
I saw so many things while I struggled with the truth, but the biggest thing I realized was how I didn't just want it for myself.
In fact, I just wanted to prove him wrong, and maybe in that I'd find some sort of peace for myself. It was still selfish and yet it was the least selfish thing I had ever done.
I wanted to give him what he wanted, so that I could find what I did.
I don't know whether it was my desire to win over him or his desire to lose to me that inevitably got us there, but he accepted the truth, too, and he stumbled his way into my arms.
And somehow, there, we found home.
-.-.-
Today, he doesn't want to patrol, but he does anyway because he knows I'll bitch at him if he doesn't.
He thinks it's boring, but I don't even care about that. It's a sign things have really changed. It's something I've come to embrace.
Today, there's a world out there that neither of us was born into, and it's looking more hopeful every day. Somewhere out there, there's a kid who stopped fighting because he has to and killing because he wants to.
He'd probably laugh if I told him so, but I know it's what he thinks, too.
I can see it in the way he turns his eyes on me, without asking that question. He has his answer.
I have mine, too.
Author's Note: It's over, folks. I can honestly say it's been a very enjoyable ride for me and I hope you all have enjoyed it as well. Regarding the previous two chapters, there are a couple of things that I kept purposely vague so that most everyone's individual beliefs could be satisfied and I wouldn't be proposing any of my radical ideas onto your brains, but I obviously do have my opinions about a couple things regarding Mukuro that aren't exactly "canon". In any case... I'll be seeing you with more fic material soon!
With love,
Andri