Savannah, Who I Am Hates Who I've Been (Both by Relient K)
It's been nearly three weeks since that first cast meeting for Blood Justice. Ren and Kyoko found themselves so busy that not even the determined efforts of both of their managers could find time for them together. Yashiro was definitely feeling the repercussions from this inability. Ren was irritable, impatient and intolerant, but only in private. It probably didn't help that Kyoko was filming for that lipstick commercial with men. Men that weren't Ren. Ren doesn't like sharing very much, not when it comes to Kyoko.
But finally, there was a ray of light parting the dismal clouds of loneliness. Yoriko had been keeping close tabs on Ren's schedule, not that she doesn't on a regular basis. Ren and Kyoko hadn't been able to share much time together since they parted after that initial cast meeting. After a week and a half of absolutely no Ren sightings for Kyoko, she lost her energy in between jobs. She was nothing but professional when at a job, but the moment she closed the door behind her, it was as if she deflated. Yoriko noticed, as any good manager with detective-like observation would. That's why she has been in constant contact with Yashiro since she noticed the change in behavior. The two managers have been trying desperately to find time for their actors to be together. And today might finally be the day this spell of separation ends.
Today's shoot was scheduled to go until nine this evening, but in all honesty, the director planned buffer time since today was the only possible day for everyone. If everything goes well, Kyoko pulls out all the stops and gets everything done without an NG, she could be out by five. Which might work if that magazine editor gets back to Yashiro about rescheduling Ren's interview and photo shoot to tomorrow afternoon. Both managers have been working tirelessly to move events around and secure some free time, but even then, Ren won't be free until six and they both had to get up fairly early the next morning.
It was half past two when Yoriko noticed her phone vibrating. She quietly excused herself from the set. As she exited, she noticed the caller ID and the corners of her mouth involuntarily pulled upward.
"Ishikawa speaking." Her voice remained calm and professional as much as she wanted to tease the caller.
"Ishikawa-san, I heard back from the magazine. Ren will be free by six."
"Oh good, I'll let her know then. I didn't want to raise her hopes up of seeing him today. Once she knows this, I'm sure everyone will give their best on the first take. Kyoko won't live with anything less if it means seeing Tsuruga-san sooner. I'd rather deal with Mio than the sad lost girl you see in between takes."
"Hmph, I would reconsider that if I were you. I have a very scary version of Ren to follow around these days…" Yashiro hesitated. He really wanted to ask Yoriko out to dinner. There was a good chance that she would be free since she was supposed to be busy until ten with Kyoko. But that also meant if she declined, that was nearly the same as rejecting him. He wasn't sure if he could take that or not.
Yoriko briefly wondered what Yashiro's plans were for dinner until she heard the call for a quick break on set. She wanted to hurry back and share the good news with Kyoko.
"Yashiro-san, they just called a break on set, so I'm going to go… I'll talk to you later?" She was surprised that came out as a question. She liked talking with him and she was sure he enjoyed their conversations as well. Yoriko had no idea where this sudden nervousness came from.
"Yeah, I'll talk to you later Ishikawa-san. Have a good day." Yashiro smiled sadly at his cowardice as he hung up. It was only dinner and it's not like he hadn't had dinner before. Just asking under these pretenses gives the impression of something more than just dinner. Which isn't unwanted, in his mind. Now he understood the turmoil Ren has undergone for the past year and a half. Maybe not understand, since Yoriko is admittedly more normal than Kyoko. Obtaining Kyoko's attention, much less affection, has been a twisting road that has defied all logic. But it was those same quirks that led her straight into Ren's arms, literally. If only something like that could happen for Yashiro...
"Kyoko-chan, Tsuruga-san got out of his interview tonight so he'll be free at six. Between that and the director scheduling for extra takes, we could get you out by five. That's only if everything goes without a hitch." Yoriko smiled at that last little bit of a challenge, even though it was the truth. She knew that Kyoko thrived on a challenge and this was just the thing: do your best and you get to see Tsuruga Ren. Once you learn about Kyoko's idiosyncrasies and mannerisms, it wasn't very hard to manage her. She was actually a pleasure to manage since she demanded the best from herself and as well as others.
The challenge was just what Kyoko needed. Kyoko powered through her remaining scenes in a way that would make her sempai proud. Even though she was exhausted, Kyoko was beyond excited as she got into Yoriko's car at four-thirty. Even the director was surprised at how well she got through the rest of the takes and inspired her coworkers to do the same. Yoriko gave a mental word of congratulations to herself for motivating her client so well. This way she'll be proud of how well she did today's work and be happy to see her sweetheart. If Kyoko's not in a better mood tomorrow, nothing would. And if that happened. Yoriko might loose her mind.
But right now, none of work she did today mattered to Kyoko. Yoriko was going to drive her to the grocery store, pick up a few things, and then she'd be dropped off at Ren's apartment. She quickly thanked Yoriko before disappearing into Ren's building. Kyoko wanted to surprise him with dinner for when he got home. As much as she wanted to hurry and start dinner, she took a moment to inhale deeply once she put the bags down and took her shoes off at the door. Something as simple as the smell of his apartment was comforting after going so long without seeing each other. Would it be weird if she asked him for some of his shirts or something? It'd be nice to take the smell home with her when she didn't get to see him like this. Reconsidering how weird that request must actually sound, she shook the idea out of her head and got situated in the kitchen. Dinner was almost ready by the time Kyoko heard the front door open. She called out to him from the kitchen.
"Okairinasai, Ren!" She heard a quick shuffle, which she could only guess that it was him rushing to get his shoes off. She guessed right since she suddenly found herself engulfed a long and hungry embrace. He buried his face in her hair.
"Tadaima, Kyoko. I missed you." She turned in his embrace after putting the spoon she was cooking with down. She looked up into his eyes only to find herself starting to melt.
"I missed you too. Now let go so I can finish cooking. Otherwise it won't be good and you'll try to use it as an excuse to not eat. Who knows how you've been eating lately." Ren wasn't excited about eating, or about letting go, but he was excited to see Kyoko and wasn't going to just let her slip away so casually.
"Not until I've been properly greeted…" The Emperor of the Night had been so underused these past three weeks. Kyoko's defenses had been weakening tremendously to that expression beforehand and she hardly had any will to resist him after missing him. It wasn't surprising Kyoko let him pull her waist close until her front was pressed firmly against his own. She couldn't help her breath quickening in anticipation. His face approached hers. Ren wanted to demonstrate how elated he was that Kyoko was here, in his apartment, waiting for him with dinner in the making. Her eyes slipped closed as his lips pressed against hers. Ren wasn't soft and gentle, not when he's missed Kyoko this much. He was insistent. He demanded attention and Kyoko, once she crystallized slightly from her initial melting, gave as much as he wanted.
Only when Ren diverted from her lips and journeyed down her neck did Kyoko's eyes snap open and she pushed him away slightly. Ren blinked his eyes open and gazed with concern down at her. His concern grew when she started to glare at him.
"Shame on you!" Ren blinked a few more times. What just happened?
"What?" Nothing he was doing was different than before. Had something changed where Kyoko didn't except this anymore? "You know what you're doing! Don't play innocent with me!" Ren was going to release her waist until he heard her next accusation. "You were trying to distract me from getting dinner ready! To think that you'd stoop this low to avoid eating…" Honestly, Ren was always surprised by this adorable little creature in his arms. The Emperor returned and he moved his mouth so he could whisper in her ear.
"But I don't need dinner, love, I just need Kyoko." If he had told any other female that, dinner would have been immediately forgotten. But of course, this is Kyoko, and somehow, she had some immunity to Ren's abundant charms. Though it would be a lie to say she was unaffected. She was experiencing inner turmoil between responsibility number one: feed Ren, and this new overwhelming desire to remain in his embrace. Unfortunately for Ren, it'll be some time before she can compromise the two or even do both at once. For now, he has to be settle into being scolded into eating and enjoying her company.
"That won't work, Ren. If you don't eat, you won't have the strength to even think of me. Now can you sit while I finish up?" Ren gave in only because he actually was hungry for once. Otherwise he would have been tempted to show her how Kyoko could be considered a good substitute for dinner. And that he has the strength to do plenty more than just think of her without food. Instead of sitting, Ren chose to lean against the doorway leading to the living room. Kyoko was overwhelmingly adorable cooking in his kitchen. He couldn't keep his thoughts from drifting as he watched her. She would make such a cute little wife. Would this be what it would be like if they were married? It was too early for him to think of such a thing, he still had to prove himself before he could take his name again. Before she could take his name as well…
He froze. He had forgotten things that he should not have forgotten again. Her presence has a tendency to do that to Ren. Even though he spent many of his free moments to think about the encounter with Reino from Vie Ghoul, his past and his potential future with Kyoko.
Ren had forgotten that he didn't have the right to be happy. He lost that right over six years ago. He wanted to give up, but if Rick were still alive, he would have his hide if he actually did such a thing after what had happened. Kyoko too, if she knew everything, would urge him to fight against the darkness. If she knew... What would she do? What would she think? She should know. Ren wanted to tell her, he was ready to tell her, but not tonight. This was the first time together in three weeks. Ren didn't want to ruin it.
Yet the thoughts plagued him even when he tried to push them aside and enjoy the night with Kyoko. He tried to distract himself with thinking how beautiful she is, but would end up thinking in how it be better if she fell for another's affections instead. The thought of how caring and professional she is only brought shame with how he really didn't deserve someone as amazing as she. Her loyalty to those she cared for, like when she ate his horrible concoction "to capture the monster" as he had put it, would keep her from sharing the dark secret with the rest of the world.
Dinner was consumed in silence, with Ren being eaten away by his thoughts and Kyoko stealing glances in concern for his behavior. The silence continued afterwards as Ren washed the dishes and Kyoko dried them as usual. When the last dish was put away and Ren had dried his hands, Kyoko hesitantly placed her hand on Ren's arm.
"What's wrong?" Ren looked over and saw a face full of concern for him. His own twisted into a mess of sadness, guilt and gratitude. He had no idea where to start, but this gave him a point to work off from. Ren looked away and heaved a sigh to last nearly a decade by how laden it was with emotion. Well maybe not a decade, but at least the six years Tsuruga Ren existed. Deciding it was time to tell her everything, it would be better if they were both sitting. Ren silently made his way to the living room and sat on the couch, looking back to see if Kyoko was following him there. When she was seated next to him, she repeated her question. Ren hardly whispered a reply for fear of her thinking it true, too.
"I don't deserve you, Kyoko." Kyoko strained to hear his response and ran it through her head a few times. Yes, that''s what he said.
"Ren, that's not true, you're-" She wanted to protest and go on a tirade on how its the opposite. She kept a very thorough list of all of the wonderful qualities of her sempai turned boyfriend. But Ren cut her off.
"Tsuruga Ren has a chance of being good enough for you. Tsuruga Ren may have the right to seek happiness... But I lost that right years ago." Silence pervaded again. Kyoko was trying to process those words. Finally a thought train went through and she was able to follow it. Ren was like this when that stupid beagle accused him of being a demon lord, which she already knew of, but he called him dangerous. And that other time Ren met him, he called Tsuruga Ren an alias, as opposed to a stage name. Is all of it related? But how could he possibly lose something like that? What if...?
"Did you kill someone?" Ren looked into his palms with a pained expression. Kyoko noticed this and assumed the worse.
"Ieeeeeee! With an axe?" Kyoko scrambled to the other end of the couch. Ren overcame his shock of her reaction and tried to clarify.
"No, No! It's not that."
"Than with what!" Kyoko clutched at a nearby pillow in a feeble attempt at a barrier between them.
"No, I mean, I didn't kill anyone, but I am responsible for someone's death." The heaviness with which he said this stopped Kyoko from trying to escape ay longer. Either there was more to the story or he was a truly repentant murderer. She silently hoped for the former. When she dared to look at him again, he wore despair upon his face. His eyes were pointed at his hands, but was looking far beyond them. Kyoko compassion fueled her courage, so she returned to where she originally sat next to Ren.
"I reached a very dark place in my life. I fell in love with acting at a young age and became as passionate about it as my father is. But with such notable parents, I always moved within their shadow. I couldn't get jobs, I was always being compared to my parents, and I was always getting fired. The more successful my parents became, the worse it got. And I can't blame them either since they smothered me in so much love. I got frustrated with myself, then angry. Since my self-hatred didn't solve anything, I turned my anger onto the world and lashed out at others. I became... violent when I was younger." A deep breath filled him and he slowly exhaled.
"Somehow I made some friends through all of this." A lamenting ghost of a smile touched on his face for a moment. "One of them was Rick. He was there when the anger became depression and then when I fell into despair. I still acted angry towards everyone, but he really saw what was going on with me." Ren continued to look down, but his gaze shifted from his palms and intertwined fingers to the watch.
"I had just left an argument with him and Gina and started to cross the street. I hardly remember what it was about, other than something petty. There was a car coming and I could have jumped out of the way. But I was frozen there. The thought that maybe the world would be better off without me stopped me in my tracks and I stood there in front of this speeding car. Rick saw the whole thing and pushed me out of the way of the car, only getting hit himself. I froze over with shock and confusion... and endless guilt. That was about six years ago." Ren lowered his head into his hands and gripped at his hair.
"Rick saved someone that wasn't worth saving, someone who considered throwing himself away... Someone who couldn't force himself to move and try to save the friend who just saved him." His lungs filled and emptied shakily as Ren's hands returned to his lap. Kyoko noticed the wet glisten in his eyes. He was battling tears. His whisper left the room ghostly cold.
"I threw away the right to be happy." Ren heaved another sigh and turned his head slightly towards Kyoko. Kyoko wasn't sure what to do besides listen. Part of her wanted to comfort him, another wanted to hear everything and was afraid that doing anything would end Ren's dark story of his past. So she waited for him to continue.
"A benevolent kidnapper offered me the opportunity to start again and recreate myself from scratch in the country where my father was born an raised to see if I could equal my father on my own merit. I buried my old name and took the name and persona of Tsuruga Ren, the perfect gentleman and professional. I wanted to be someone who was worth something. I wanted to be a better actor than my father. I guess I also wanted to prove to myself I am worth something as well. I was surprised how much time since I had contacted my parents until Father came to visit." Ren paused. He jerked his head up as if he remembered something. Kyoko watched as the revelation melted into a hesitant smile.
"Actually, he didn't surprise me as much as someone else did. I never thought I would see my little blue stone or the cute little Japanese girl I gave it to ever again. When it fell down the stairs with you running after it yelling your old pronunciation of my real name, I was shocked." Ren turned to gage that same girl's reaction and saw wide amber eyes staring back at his own eyes. Kyoko was frantically attempting to piece everything together in one picture, but it was a lot to take in all at once. It was Corn in the woods all those years ago, not Ren. And Corn is a fairy, back in his own world, not here. But Ren and Corn do share many of the same problems and characteristics... There are many similarities between the two... Could all of this make sense? Ren noticed Kyoko's mind whirring and let his smile grow slightly.
"Then I started falling in love with you, but because of my past, I felt guilty and unworthy to pursue such happiness." Kyoko turned away in a feeble attempt to hide the brilliant pinks coloring her cheeks and ears. Ren was so open with his feeling towards her where before, she always was guessing.
"I tried pushing away and keeping you at a distance. I couldn't help it. I know you don't think so, but you have a way of attracting people. Even my father ended up adopting you as a second son."
Her head tilted to the side. Did he really mean...? The pieces fit if it's true. She whipped her head to gaze intently at Ren. Kyoko couldn't hold the silence any longer.
"Otou-san?" Ren allowed himself to grin at hearing her call his father that. Kyoko was so excited about her adopted father. He nodded in affirmation. He wondered if she mentally glossed over meeting each other ages ago in Kyoto.
"Hizuri Kuu-otou-san is your father?" Her eyes sparkled. She turned, pulling her knees onto the couch so she could fully face Ren.
"I refer to him as 'Dad' but yes, Kuu is my father." That makes so much sense! Only someone as amazing as Otou-san could be the father of Ren!
"So you're Kuon?" Ren hesitated for a moment before nodding again. He can't deny that part of himself any longer to her. He couldn't deny that he already destroyed the distinction between Kuon and Ren with her.
"But you said something about a blue stone... Does that mean...? Are you referring to...?" Her head cocked to the side again.
"I first met you when I was ten. You were convinced I was a fairy. I didn't want to tell you otherwise since it made you happy..." His voice dropped in volume again, "All I really wanted is for you to keep smiling for me." Kyoko's breathing was hindered by the raw emotion Ren was sharing with her.
"...Corn... You're Corn? But Kuon, too... Ohhhhhhhhhh." The pieces were finally falling in place. Ren wished, prayed, hoped, and anything else that he could think of that when Kyoko finally saw the whole picture, that she wouldn't find the reality of himself repulsive and run away for good.
"I'm sorry I never told you before this... Not even Yashiro knows..." Ren hung his head waiting for the axe of Kyoko's rejection to fall.
Kyoko was still trying to sift through and connect everything, While she could ask a thousand questions at the moment, but she didn't want to force Ren... Kuon? to go back down that darkness unless he wanted and was ready to. He was trying to move beyond his past like she was. Then particular experience stuck out in her mind. The love and happiness that she experienced as Kuu's son, Kuon. And somehow Kuon was sitting there in front of her. That family experience was something mystical and foreign to her. One question stood above others because of that experience. She pulled her both knees under her as she turned to fully observe him.
"What was it like growing up with Kuu-otou-san and Julie-san?"
Ren let out a quiet sigh of relief. Kyoko wasn't running yet, so it was a good sign. Ren felt the chains that had gripped his chest loosen and fall away. To finally have someone else, no, have Kyoko know his darkest secrets and not reel away in disgust freed him. The one person he wanted to understand an accept was willing to try and that meant everything to him. Ren pulled his right leg up onto the couch so he could face Kyoko. He propped his head on his right arm, with his elbow supporting its weight on the back of the couch. Kyoko's eyes burned with expectancy as her body vibrated with excitement. She was just as much a father's boy as he was.
Ren poured out stories from his childhood, mostly because Kyoko kept asking more questions and absorbed every word he said. Kyoko was particularly sympathetic when he described his mother's cooking abilities. She laughed at the stories of goofing around with his father. Kyoko remembered her own time when she played-fought with Kuu. Kyoko's eyes glittered at the legend of Julie's beauty. Kyoko was so enthralled with Ren's family that she had forgotten time. Ren only noticed that Kyoko was still there, wanting to be there.
Finally, when Kyoko's eyes began to slip closed, Ren noticed the hour. He convinced her to stay, citing it was too late for her to walk home or for him to be driving since they were both tired and needed sleep for an early and full day. She made her way the guest room, where she started keeping clothes and overnight things. Kyoko knew it made sense to leave some of her things at Ren's. She was there often enough where it was convenient and efficient. Ren knew that was a monumental step for her to take, and didn't dare push her any faster than she wished to take their relationship. Maybe the full confession of his past was a push, probably a large push. Ren had thought it could have been a push apart, but it was looking like it was more of a pull at this point. Before Ren turned into his own room, he came to where Kyoko was standing at the guest room door. He pulled her into a firm hug and buried his face in her hair once again.
"Thank you, Kyoko. Tonight has meant so much to me. Goodnight, love." Kyoko returned his hug around his waist, blushing furiously at how he addressed he again.
"Of course, Ren. Goodnight." She pulled away and gave him one of the smiles that he loved to see. The smile she created just for him. He moved away to his own room. He glanced back once more and shared that smile with her once again before turning in for the night.
For the first time in three weeks, Ren and Kyoko could let out a contented sigh and go to sleep with a smile.
A/N: Sorry that took forever! I wanted to try something new and I originally hadn't planned this chapter, but it needed extra attention! I hope its added length makes up for it! And the next one shouldn't take as long either since it was one of the first ones I wrote after the first one, so I promise it should be up sooner! I also didn't expect my computer to die the day after Christmas, but I suppose it was about time for it to croak. And I've been struggling with this hand-me-down mac since then (sorry if anything has to many p's. The P key is a little overreactive.)
I've also been dealing with this nagging feeling of disappointment in my story. I don't think I keep to Kyoko's character very well, which is weird since I feel as though I identify with her. I also believe that things in the Skip Beat Universe are a bit more... unpredictable? than what I've been writing. Comments, Suggestions?