A/N: As always, all my love to theladyingrey42. Without her, this wouldn't be a story. Thanks to ahizelm, my beta-master, for keeping me in line and to Miss_Becky_Louise for helping with the Brit-speak and the London help.
Thank you all for your lovely comments and reviews. They make my day even if you are all a bit frustrated with the boys. But now we're back to Edward.
The Setting: Tasmania, Sydney and Cairns, Australia; London, England
The Music: Again, Lenny Kravitz
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EPOV
My conversation with Alice doesn't help me much, but I resolve to enjoy my holiday. It's the least I can do before I have to return to London and my medical internship. I have traveled by myself many times before after all; this should be easy.
I do allow myself to check on Jasper and make sure his plane landed in the US safely. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see his flight arrived.
Then, I push him to the back of my mind and decide I am going to have fun. In truth, I stay busy, doing all the activities I should, smiling at all the appropriate places, and constantly thinking about him.
I take the bus tour to Cradle Mountain and watch the sunrise over the peak. I climb the trails, I marvel at the view as I sit on the roof of the world and yet something is missing.
I return to Sydney and wander the streets, visit the beaches, spend a day at Taronga Zoo, enjoy a musical in the Opera House, climb the Harbor Bridge. But I still feel this pang in my chest every time I turn to remark upon something and no one is there.
I fly to Cairns, snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef, take a cable car over the jungle, visit the oldest rainforest in the world and still he haunts me.
For the remainder of my holiday, I keep in almost constant contact with Alice. She continues to encourage me to email Jasper, but I always find an excuse to put it off another day, another week. Each time, I come a little closer to doing it, to giving in. But, for a million reasons, I don't. He's already returned to his life, his home, his family...
His boyfriend.
I want to believe that his words that last night are the truth, that he wants me, only me. But he never said what would happen when he went home... to Peter... the one that's been there for him, and can still be there for him while I am miles and miles away.
Soon, after days packed with activities and nights packed with restlessness and worry, it's my turn to fly home. After boarding the plane in Sydney, I give one last look to this foreign land that changed everything for me, and then I close my eyes and thankfully drift into nothingness.
~~0~~
Arriving in Heathrow is insane, as always.
My sister is there to greet me and talks a million miles an hour, as always, although the chiding about Jasper is slightly new.
She drives us to my parents' house and my family gathers for a large Sunday dinner, as always.
After dinner, it's like nothing changed. Gathering in the sitting room, I talk about my trip and share the pictures, careful to skip the ones of Jasper, the ones that cause my chest to clench. My mum remarks on how few pictures there are from Tasmania compared to the rest of the trip and I seem to blow her off easily. Alice, on the other hand, is not as convinced and her eyes narrow at me as I explain.
Once our parents have gone to bed, Alice steals into my room and crawls in next to me on the bed. She pinches my arm causing me to jump.
"Ow, Alice! What the hell?" I complain, rubbing the spot with my hand.
"That's for lying to Mum."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I hedge, although I know this may earn me another pinch.
"Edward, you aren't fooling me," she says, looking up at me, her eyes grim with disappointment. "You haven't emailed him yet have you?"
I don't answer but stare at the ceiling avoiding her penetrating gaze.
"I know you, dear brother. You are so wrapped up in your head you can't think straight. Why haven't you contacted him if he means so much to you?"
"Exactly! That's why! He means so much to me after only three days! I jumped in with both feet which has always worked so well for me," I continue sarcastically. "This is how I get myself hurt every time. I read too much into things, invent feelings where there are none. I mean, how could he possibly feel the same?"
"Oh, Edward, how could he not? You are a super guy, and easy to get along with when you're not, you know, a downer. He said he wanted you. Why are you doubting that now?"
"Because there's no way this will work out," I lament, wishing she would just understand the reality of my situation. "We both have commitments on different continents. Long distance is one thing in an established relationship, but with someone new? Impossible."
"Nothing's impossible," she says fiercely, holding my gaze. "It's only impossible if you never give it a chance. And that's exactly what you're doing." She hops off the bed and turns, smiling at me before leaning in and kissing my cheek. "You know I'm right, brother dear," she says gently before twirling out the door and closing my door behind her.
And, oddly, I do know she's right. I'm just not sure I'm there yet. Without looking into his eyes, feeling his lips against my skin, holding his body in my arms, it's easy to forget why I should email him. For my aching heart, it's almost easier to imagine there wasn't any connection there in the first place.
~~0~~
The next few days I spend visiting with friends and my parents and preparing to start my rotating internship. This year will be intense, full of long hours and sleepless nights, but I know what I'm getting myself into. As an intern at one of the premier hospitals in London, I will see almost everything imaginable in my year there. If all goes as planned, I will continue as a surgical resident there as well.
In addition to my new job, I'm also moving into a new flat with my good friend, Maggie, and she emailed me a long list of things I need to purchase. Luckily, Alice helps me with the decorating and all is set days before my start date.
Weeks have passed since my return from Australia, almost a month and a half since I last saw Jasper. And yet, he still consumes me. I can go hours without thinking of him, but then I hear a song, read an article, see a picture and my mind flashes to images of him.
At Alice's insistence, I am organizing my photographs from Tasmania, trying to put them in an album before I get wrapped up in my job and completely forget. I stumble upon the folder with pictures of him, and debate about opening it, but my fingers have a mind of their own and click anyway. And there he is... happy, laughing, glorious.
My hand reaches up to the computer screen as if to brush the hair from his face, just to touch him again. It's just too much and I fumble in my wallet, pulling out the small piece of paper with his handwriting. The ink is slightly smudged and there are well-worn creases in the paper from my compulsive unfolding and refolding. It doesn't really matter as I have it memorized, but I just can't let go.
And, that's the whole problem. I can't let go.
Well, I did promise to send him the pictures and I've nearly organized this album. I think that this may be a safe point of contact, not putting too much of myself on the line.
Having made up my mind, I hurriedly add the remaining pictures, including the ones of Jasper, and compose an email.
To: jwhitlock (at) madeupmail . com
From: ecullen (at) ukmail . uk
Jasper,
Hope this finds you well.
The link below is for the Tasmania photographs.
I pause, not knowing what to write next, but not wanting to say the wrong thing. Too much and I risk everything. Too little and I don't risk enough.
I had a really wonderful time with you. Please write when you can.
Is that enough? Will he understand that when I write 'wonderful' I mean 'fucking time of my life'? And how to sign off? Sincerely? Kind Regards? Yours? Oh, fuck it.
- Edward
I shake my head and decide I can't spend too much time on this or I won't send it at all. I quickly add the link to the pictures and press send.
Releasing the breath I've been holding, I bury my hands in my hair.
There. It's done. Now I only have to wait.
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