Chapter 6: Back in Beijing
Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi arrived in Beijing on a clear, bright, sunny day. Xiao Yan Zi had thought she missed most her beloved friends in Beijing. However when she finally arrived here again, the whole bustling feel of Beijing, with everything so large and noisy compared the peace of Dali, all made Xiao Yan Zi realise that she had missed the city more than she expected. Then again, how could that be a surprise? She had spent her childhood exploring the corners and depths of Beijing. She had lived practically everywhere in it, the worst places and the best places, and so the entire city was like one big house that she had been free to explore to its nooks and crannies for the first twenty or so years of her life.
She gave a contented sigh as they traced the familiar paths through Hui Bin Lou. She had expected the streets and markets and ways to change, but all was same as ever and it gave Xiao Yan Zi a sense of comfort that she didn't expect to feel when she set out on this street. Surely, even if Beijing would undoubtedly bring up bad memories, there were too many happy memories locked up here too that she could not avoid coming back here.
"Do you think Liu Qing and Jin Suo know we're coming?"
They had passed through the front gates of Hui Bin Lou, which only seemed more busy with guests than usual and made their way around to back gate. Their reunion with their friends would surely emotional, and it'd probably better take place in the private residence area of the Liu family rather than out in the inn and main restaurant area.
"I think Er Kang and Zi Wei would have told them if they got our letter. Even if not, they should be used to impromptu guests anyway."
Even as Yong Qi said this, they heard sounds of horses and a carriage behind them and turned around. They recognised neither the carriage nor the servant driving it, but in both their hearts rose an unmistakable feeling of longing and anticipation that meant the occupants of the carriage could only be two people.
As soon as the carriage stopped, the door opened and the people in it caught glimpse of them, there was a happy cry of "Xiao Yan Zi!" Zi Wei jumped off the carriage without waiting for Er Kang to get off first and help her like usual; the servant had to leap out of her way to avoid a collision.
Suddenly Xiao Yan Zi found Zi Wei's arms wrapped around her and her own around Zi Wei. Oh how Xiao Yan Zi had missed her! How wonderful it was to see her beloved friend's face again and know that the years apart hadn't managed to drive them apart. How wonderful it was to be able to say her sister's name to her again and know that she'd respond.
"Oh, Xiao Yan Zi, let me look at you!" Zi Wei cried as they finally broke apart, but still held both Xiao Yan Zi's hands tight. "Oh you are the same as ever! I can't believe that you're here! I don't know how I ever managed without you, oh Heaven, I've missed you so much!"
Xiao Yan Zi felt too happy and too moved for words and just beamed at her. The years had been kind to Zi Wei, but then wasn't everything kind to her? How could it help being so to such a dear, sweet and wonderful person? She was as beautiful as ever and Xiao Yan Zi felt she could only just bask in the happiness of being near Zi Wei again.
"Well, it must be a special day if Xiao Yan Zi is moved to not speaking," Er Kang teased. He and Yong Qi had shared a briefer, but equally heartfelt greeting and were now standing side by side looking fondly at their wives.
"Oh it's so good to see you too, Er Kang," Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "Both of you!"
Then she finally let go of Zi Wei so that she could greet Yong Qi. At the same moment, apparently having heard the commotion outside, Liu Qing and Jin Suo appeared and once again gave them all a delighted reunion. The group of long separated friends spend some time catching up in Hui Bin Lou, where Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi met Liu Qing and Jin Suo's children, before anxiety about seeing Ji Xiang again pulled them to the carriage to head back to Xue Shi Fu.
Once the carriage started moving, Zi Wei gave Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi a hesitant and guilty look. "I must warn you, Ji Xiang is a bit upset right now."
"Why?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, concerned.
It was Er Kang who answered her.. "She overheard us talking about you and Zhi Hua when we got your letter and Zi Wei had no choice but to tell her the truth about everything. Well, almost everything anyway. It would have been worse for her to have speculated from what she heard."
"Almost?"
The tentative glance that Zi Wei now gave her brother was almost wary and fearful. "I left out the part about Zhi Hua's baby…I didn't think…"
"Oh," Yong Qi said quietly. Xiao Yan Zi reached over and took his hand comfortingly. "It's ok, Zi Wei."
There was a brief silence, before Zi Wei spoke again. "I'm sorry, we should have been more careful, talking in the gardens."
"It's not your fault," Xiao Yan Zi assured her. "We can't possibly not tell her at least some of the truth now that we are here, anyway. How did she take it?"
"I don't know. She's been very quiet. It's obvious that she's upset about it but she hadn't said much about what she thinks just yet. I guess it's still not an ideal way for her to find out. I think she just needs to speak to you, to get the perspective from you before she begins to accept it," Zi Wei said. "She tries to act normal around us but how could anything be normal after everything she'd just learnt? I think the thing that bothered her most was the whole issue with Zhi Hua."
Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a look. "She's upset with you, then," Xiao Yan Zi said.
"How do you know that?" Er Kang asked.
"Because she only sulks when she's angry at Daddy. She'd be a lot more vocal about it if she was upset with me."
"Ah, Daddy's girl, is she?" Zi Wei teased, despite the situation.
Yong Qi rolled his eyes. "Did you have to wonder? And consider yourself lucky, I'm giving her to you. Your son had better be worthy of her."
Zi Wei smiled. "I think you will approve. Though I could be a tad biased."
Yong Qi smiled back at her, but the smile disappeared quite quickly as his mind turned back to a must-touch-on subject that he dreaded. "Speaking of, how is Zhi Hua?"
Xiao Yan Zi squeezed his hand.
Er Kang and Zi Wei looked at each other. "Do you want the long and depressing version or the short and depressing version of things?"
This made Yong Qi give a mirthless laugh. "Do we have time for a long version before we arrive at Xue Shi Fu?"
"So short version is that Huang Ah Ma tried to persuade her to marry after you left, she stubbornly refuses. That's about it."
"I know it's useless to say this," Zi Wei said quietly, "but it's not entirely your fault and you shouldn't take the guilt all upon yourself, you know. We all made the decision together, and at the same time, it was as much her decision as it was ours. If she was determined in saying no to Lao Fo Ye then, we could have found another way out. But she accepted it, and I think from the beginning she knew more or less what she was walking into, but she did it anyway. It's as much her mistake as it is ours."
"While my head grasps the logic behind what you've said, that doesn't mean I can feel any less guilty or blame her. For the marriage, not for the - " He didn't finish speaking, but Er Kang and Zi Wei nodded sympathetically.
"And really that's one of the most wonderful thing about you, you care too much," Zi Wei told him before the carriage came to a halt in front of Xue Shi Fu.
Zi Wei and Er Kang's four children were waiting for them in the main room and it was there that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were introduced to their niece and nephews. However, Ji Xiang was nowhere to be found.
"Where's Ji Xiang?"
"She's in her room. She seems a little…agitated," Xuan Zhuang said, looking worried.
"This sounds promising," Xiao Yan Zi said with a slight sigh.
Zi Wei sighed and turned to Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi. "I'll take you to see her then? She's staying in the south wing where you'll be as well. It's more secluded there as I think will be a good thing."
Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi followed Zi Wei through the familiar courtyards until she left the two of them in front of the door to the room where Ji Xiang was staying, which was closed.
Yong Qi suddenly felt rather like he was facing some sort of Heavenly judgement, which was ridiculous, of course. Behind that door was his daughter, who he had worried for and longed to see for months. Then why did his hands suddenly feel clammy and why did he dread that door to open? However, Ji Xiang was upset and she surely was upset with him; he hated to face that truth, no matter how it could not be avoided since they had already planned to tell her everything anyway. Still, after months of worry and separation, he would have much rather have this meeting be the joyous one that it should be, rather than facing a very upset Ji Xiang.
In the end, it was Xiao Yan Zi who knocked on the door.
"Ji Xiang?"
The door flew open as if she had been expecting them. Ji Xiang looked pale but otherwise healthy and well cared for. She flew into her mother's arms as soon as she saw her.
"Mother!"
"Ji Xiang. Oh thank Heaven you're all right." Xiao Yan Zi's voice was full of the utmost relief. At that first sight of his daughter, Yong Qi forgot everything else and could not help that same relief rush through his own heart as well. Xiao Yan Zi held her daughter out at arm's length and looked at her up and down. "How are you, darling? Are you feeling all right? Does anything hurt?"
"I'm fine," Ji Xiang said, giving her mother a tearful smile but she looked genuinely glad to see her.
Then she turned to Yong Qi.
"Father." Her voice was wooden and the hug she gave him was a little stiff. Her sudden distance was a foreign feeling for Yong Qi and his heart clenched. It was strange; usually Ji Xiang got on far better with him than with her mother. She fought with her mother every other week, but with him rarely. Now it was obvious that she was furious at him.
"Ji Xiang, how are you feeling, really?" Yong Qi asked with deep concern.
"I'm fine," she repeated, not meeting his eyes.
"I know you're not just fine, sweetheart."
Ji Xiang didn't answer but just looked away. Xiao Yan Zi gave Yong Qi a worried look.
"Xiao Yan Zi, can I just talk to Ji Xiang for a bit? You go catch up with Zi Wei."
He would have liked to have a little more time to settle before facing his daughter in this conversation, however what was his comfort to do with the situation? What else was he to do in that moment? Ji Xiang was upset and confused, rightly so. He had to explain and it had to be right then. She had suffered enough in the days between first hearing the truth and his arrival just now. Yong Qi couldn't make her suppress whatever emotions and questions she wanted to hurl at him any longer.
Xiao Yan Zi gave Ji Xiang a brief hug, and took the chance to whisper in her ears, "Talk to him." Then she turned to give Yong Qi an encouraging look and his hand a squeeze before leaving them together.
The door closed behind Xiao Yan Zi but Ji Xiang still refused to meet Yong Qi's eyes. He pushed away the pain, not allowing himself feel the full effects of it just yet. It would keep for later; he needed to deal with his daughter's broken heart now, not his. He grasped Ji Xiang by the shoulder and turned her so that she had to look at him. "Ji Xiang, sweetheart, I know you're angry with me."
She didn't answer.
"Tell me what's bothering you."
For a brief moment, Ji Xiang lifted her eyes and looked up at him. He could see the confusion and hurt etched in eyes so like Xiao Yan Zi's; he could even almost see his reflection in the unshed tears in those eyes. Then she turned away again. After what seemed like eternity, she spoke. "Is it true? Did you really do it? You really married someone else then left her for Mother?"
"Yes."
"How could you do it?" She seemed to have surprised even herself with the vehemence of her voice, because she gave a little start. But the words kept flowing. "All my life, all my life, I grew up thinking that you loved Mother and that she was the only one and - "
"I do love your mother, Ji Xiang. And she is the only one whom I love, she'd always been," Yong Qi interrupted. He could not let her doubt for one moment on that subject.
"I know that! But for all my life, I thought you and Mother had the perfect marriage and all I dreamt of, ever since I was little, was that there would be someone who would love me like you love Mother, the one and only one. Do you know what it's like now for me to suddenly realise that to give Mother that, you actually abandoned someone else, that you had to hurt someone else in the process? It's like realizing that after all this time, what I wanted all my life and thought was possible was really too good to be true, that behind that façade of happiness, you've caused all this pain upon someone else! For a long time, I thought Mother was and had always been the only one in your life and to know that my Daddy, who seemed to have been one of my only hopes that there is faithfulness and constancy in men, isn't all that, at all. How could you have married someone else? How could you have not realised it would hurt Mother? I - You lied to me, Father!"
It was like a dam had burst on her emotions, the words flooded out and the tears had fallen too. As she spoke, she became increasingly choked so that towards the end, she was hardly coherent. Yong Qi let her speak until she could not speak anymore for crying. Each of her words tore his heart to pieces. She wasn't just angry at him, she was disappointed in him. Somehow, that was worse.
It took Yong Qi a long moment to be able to compose his emotions enough to speak, but even then his voice was gruff.
"Ji Xiang, I'm not going to tell you that you can't possibly understand the situation we were under when we - or ultimately I - made the decision to marry Zhi Hua, because it won't help you accept it. But there's one thing you can never, ever doubt, Ji Xiang, it's that I love your mother very very much. I always have and I always will. I would be willing to do anything in the world for your mother, includingmarrying Zhi Hua."
For a moment, he wondered how much he should tell her, how much of the truth she could take. She was still so innocent of hurt and her life had always been sheltered. Perhaps whatever she had gone through these few months had broken that innocence a little (he wanted to wince at the thought), she still never had to suffer such a hurt. However, as he look at her tears, he knew that as much as he wanted to protect her, not just from this particularly pain but from all pain, he couldn't do it forever. He could keep his silence when she knew nothing, but now that she must know, he would rather she knew everything. It would hurt him to speak of it, and it would probably hurt her more to have to think of it, but denial wasn't an option anymore. She deserved to know and in some way she deserved to grow up. This was perhaps the beginning of the end.
"In reality, I really did marry Zhi Hua for her. I didn't marry Zhi Hua to save Xiao Jian, not really. At the time, everything, absolutely everything as we knew it was in chaos. The only thing we could hold onto was the fact that no matter what my father did, who your mother's parents were, we loved each other. You have to understand the pain your mother was under at the time, Ji Xiang. She's just been told that the only father she'd ever known was responsible for making it so in the first place. On top of it all, there was a second miscarriage. What your mother lost that night was more than just the baby, but her every sense of security; all of the sudden, her world was turned upside down. Xiao Jian's life was at stake; his life was dependent on my saying yes or no to this marriage. But I can tell you this, Ji Xiang: Xiao Jian is one of my closest friends, but if your mother had not begged me then to say yes to the marriage, Xiao Jian could have been on his way to execution and I wouldn't have given in. But she did, and it made me realise, after everything she'd just gone through, how could I ask her to endure more losses? I could refuse my grandmother but could I refuse your mother at that moment? Could I stand by and watch her lose the last member of her family without doing everything that I could to prevent it? Ji Xiang, I was saving your uncle, but ultimately, it was for your mother!"
Ji Xiang did not speak but at least she was looking at him now. Tears were still shining on her cheeks but she was no longer crying. She didn't look like she wanted to forgive him and he didn't expect understanding or forgiveness so easily. She simply looked at him as if expecting him to go on, and so he did.
"I hope, Ji Xiang, that you would never have to go through any hurt that remotely resembles what your mother and I had to go through that night. But that night, perhaps somewhat ironically, made me realise how much I truly love your mother. I always knew it but it wasn't till then I realised what I was willing to do for her. It frightened me more than anything, Ji Xiang, to realise that I loved someone so much, as much as to knowingly break her heart, and my own in the process, all because she asked me to."
Yong Qi's voice failed him then, so that for a long while, the two of them were silent. When he finally sighed and held out a hand towards his daughter, she slowly took it. He led her to a chair and waited for her to sit down. Then he sat down beside her.
"Ji Xiang, I know it must have been a shock for you to find out, and like this. I would have been surprised if you weren't angry at me when you heard the truth. Numerous times I've questioned my decision myself, whether I did the right thing. Did I know when I married Zhi Hua that I was hurting your mother more than anyone had ever hurt her? Yes. Did I know that despite her begging and pressuring me into marrying Zhi Hua to save Xiao Jian's life, inside, her heart was breaking? Yes. Did I know when I said yes to the marriage that she would spend that night in unbearable pain and crying? Yes. Did I know that it would be miserable marriage from the start? Yes. Did I know that the days that lay ahead for the three of us would be painful? Yes. Was it the right decision that I made? At the time, and at that moment in time only, yes, because I was doing it for your mother, and it saved your uncle's life in the process."
"But you left her!" Ji Xiang cried. It took Yong Qi a moment to swallow the irony of Ji Xiang's indignation on Zhi Hua's behalf.
"Yes, because I wanted to give her a second chance. I knew, like she was trying desperately to deny, that nothing could come from that marriage, not under the circumstances in which it took place. Some would say I never made an effort to give her a first chance. In reality, though, it's very difficult. The resentment will always be there. That's what was so exhausting about the whole situation, that your mother and I, every time we looked at her, we were reminded forcefully of why she was there in the first place. It was a constant barrier that would never go away."
"If you could do it all over again, would you still have done the same?"
Yong Qi gave a wry smile. "Retrospect is a wonderful and horrible thing, Ji Xiang. If given a chance to do everything over, and knowing the consequence of one choice already and those consequences weren't very good, anyone would turn around and take the other choice. But is that necessarily a better choice? Can one really know that until one have lived through both choices? If at that moment, I refused to marry Zhi Hua but went and told my father everything instead, would that had triggered Lao Fo Ye into having Xiao Jian killed before we could save him? Or would we had been able to avert all the pain and disaster right from the start? We don't know, and we will never know."
"But Uncle hadn't done anything wrong! So his father was convicted of a crime and executed, but he was only a child then. He didn't commit any crime. How could he be killed?"
"Ji Xiang, I am only grateful that you are this naïve of the malice of the palace," he said with a bitter laugh. "This was the Dowager Empress we're talking about. If she deemed your uncle to be a danger for the Emperor's life and had him killed, who could have said she was wrong? Who could have condemned her? The point wasn't that he hadn't done anything, the point was that his life was in danger, regardless of what he did or didn't do."
Yong Qi shook his head. For a moment, he was lost in thoughts. Then he turned back to Ji Xiang and said softly, "I'm not going to say I shouldn't have done it, Ji Xiang. I just regret having to bring that pain on both your mother and Zhi Hua, and now you as well."
Ji Xiang met his eyes for a moment, before looking away again. "I need time to think about all this."
She was still keeping her distance from him though in her voice, there was a little less accusation now - a very little less. Yong Qi knew he could not force her to understand, could not push her to open up to him before she was ready. This wasn't something to be taken in stride; time was needed and he would give her that time.
Perhaps part of it had something to with the fact that they were two stubborn and opinionated women living together, but Ji Xiang seldomly poured her heart out to her mother. She loved her mother, of course, and usually they were a normal pair of mother and teenage daughter: her mother nagged, Ji Xiang pouted and talked back, they would argue and not talk for the rest of the day, until sleep and a new sunrise washed away their annoyance with each other. However, the idea of sitting down for a heart to heart talk and telling her mother her deepest, darkest feelings always made Ji Xiang feel awkward. She wasn't sure that her mother would entirely understand; Xiao Yan Zi wasn't always the most sensitive of beings and she had a habit of not listening to the whole story and just give her opinion in the middle of everything. This always made Ji Xiang feel like her mother would judge her before knowing everything if she told her about the feelings that weren't always completely proper or right. Her father or her aunt Qing Er would always be more likely to listen to her without interruption.
However, in this matter, Ji Xiang felt that she could only talk to her mother about the knot of emotions that was trapped in her heart. Only her mother would be able to see the situation from her father's point of view and could help Ji Xiang undertand it. Only she would be able to understand what Ji Xiang was feeling too, as Ji Xiang refused to think that someone who wore her emotions on her sleeves as Xiao Yan Zi never once felt the resentment and anger that Ji Xiang now felt for Yong Qi.
"Mother?"
Xiao Yan Zi was previously sitting with Zi Wei in a pavilion in the garden of Fu residence. However, Zi Wei, tactful enough to realise that Ji Xiang would want to talk to her mother alone, had excused herself when she saw Ji Xiang approach them.
Ji Xiang sat down now next to her mother and put her chin in her hands.
"How was the talk with Daddy then?" her mother asked.
She sighed. "I don't know what to think."
"You shouldn't be angry at your father, honey. He only married Zhi Hua because - "
"- because you begged him to. I know. He told me. I'm not even sure why I'm so angry at him, Mother. I mean, I know he loves you and everything, but…"
"But you've come to realise your father isn't as perfect as you thought him to be."
It was then that Ji Xiang knew she was right to come to her mother at that moment. She did understand, and she had put into words the feelings Ji Xiang couldn't quite vocalise herself. To be totally honest, this was a rather new experience.
"Is it stupid of me then that I'm angry at him for that?"
Xiao Yan Zi gave a smile of understanding. "No. I think it's normal."
"Normal?"
"Every child, Ji Xiang, would want to think their parents can't do anything wrong, because they are the one you turn to for security, for protection. Then there comes a time when you realise that they, too, are human. You suddenly realize that theydo make mistakes and have times in their past that you don't know about and it wasn't always so bright and wonderful as you thought. It took a slap from Huang Ah Ma for me to realise that even the Emperor isn't a perfect father as I thought he was, either." For a moment, her mother looked lost in thoughts. Then she took Ji Xiang's hand and patted it. "But you know, Ji Xiang, that doesn't mean that your father is suddenly any different from the man you've always known. You're just seeing him in a different light now. While it's not as flattering as you thought it always was, everything he'd done for you is still as precious; he's still your father and he still loves you like he always did."
"So how to I accept it?"
"I'm not sure I can tell you that. You just have to reconcile yourself to the fact. But if you're going to be angry at your father for this, you may as well be angry at me. It was our decision, not merely his."
"But how did you do it?" Ji Xiang exclaimed. This was something that she couldn't understand. The whole truth had made her look at her mother in an entirely different way too. Her mother had never approved of the idea of men having more than one wife and always spoke against the idea that men marry as many women as they wanted and then break the heart of all of them. Ji Xiang knew if she could spend her life campaigning against something, she'd probably want to stop the polygamy practice. So how could she have accepted that Yong Qi married someone else? "How did you just resign to his marrying someone else?"
Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "It wasn't easy, Ji Xiang. If anything, you could say I never truly accepted it and resigned to it, considering in the end we left the palace. When I asked him to marry Zhi Hua, I thought I knew what it meant and that I could handle the pain. I thought that as long as I knew he loved me, it would be enough. In reality, though, it was much more than I anticipated; it hurt me more than I thought was possible to feel. I knew that he loved me, but that meant that it was hurting Zhi Hua. Seeing Zhi Hua's pain was even worse than experiencing my own pain. Still, though, there wasn't another choice, considering the situation we were in."
"I didn't think it would be like this, growing up. It is growing up, isn't it?
"What is?"
"Realising that grown-ups don't have all the answers. That there isn't always a right solution to everything. That the world isn't all black and white."
"Yes, I suppose it is," Xiao Yan Zi mused with a slight smile.
Ji Xiang sighed. She knew her mother was right. She had been too used to her mother's imperfections; she could count off her mother's faults without feeling anything other than acceptance. Her mother was impetuous and quick to judge and Ji Xiang loved her for all her faults. In contrast, or perhaps because of her mother's numerous faults, she had always expected her father to be perfect and found it hard to forgive him when she realised that he wasn't. But then, who could be perfect really? Had not her father also once said that even the Emperor was not free from faults?
Wait, the Emperor?
The Emperor…
"Oh my goodness!" Ji Xiang suddenly sat straight up and looked at Xiao Yan Zi with wide eyes.
Xiao Yan Zi was a little alarmed. "What? Are you feeling unwell? What is it?"
"I'm feeling fine, Mother," Ji Xiang said impatiently. "It's just - "
"Just what?"
"Father - Father is - "
"What about your father?" Xiao Yan Zi asked even more urgently now.
"Aunt Zi Wei said Father is her brother, right?"
"Yes." Xiao Yan Zi's concern had turned to confusion.
"Then - then - that means - the Emperor - "
" - is his father and therefore your grandfather, yes," Xiao Yan Zi said, looking at Ji Xiang strangely.
Ji Xiang just gaped at this. It made Xiao Yan Zi laugh out loud.
"Ji Xiang, surely you put that bit of information together. You must have talked to him since you found out the truth about everything, right?"
"Well yes, but - I - didn't think - I was too busy thinking about other stuff - "
"Oh Ji Xiang," Xiao Yan Zi laughed, patting her cheek affectionately. "Well, you've better get used to the fact that the Emperor is your grandfather, sweetheart. The fact is not about to change, no matter how your father may have given up his title for good."
"So how are you and Ji Xiang?" Xiao Yan Zi asked her husband later that evening when they had retired to their room for bed.
Yong Qi smiled wearily at her. "I'm not sure. Did she speak to you after that?"
"Yes. She asked me whether this was growing up."
"What was? Realising that you're disappointed in your father?" The pain was palpable in his voice. It made Xiao Yan Zi look up sharply from the mirror at him.
"She said she was disappointed in you?"
"Not in so many words. But the implication was there."
Xiao Yan Zi stood up and moved to stand in front of him. She cupped his face in her hands and said softly, "That doesn't mean she loves you any less, Yong Qi. If anything, she's hurt because she adores you."
"That's not what bothers me. It's the fact that I didn't live up to her expectations." He looked so sad that it broke her heart.
Xiao Yan Zi hesitated for a while, then said, "Surely, you must know how she feels though? Surely you've been through a stage when you realised that even Huang Ah Ma could make mistakes?"
"Actually that's what hurts more, the fact that I can relate to what she is going through. Heaven knows I probably was confronted with Huang Ah Ma's imperfections a bit too soon in life. Ironically, it's almost exactly the same situation for me, as well. My mother loved Huang Ah Ma very much, but well, you know how Huang Ah Ma gets with his concubines. One of my most vivid childhood memories was walking in with my mother on Huang Ah Ma in a rather compromising situation with one of her maids, and the look on my mother's face when she saw. I can understand why Ji Xiang is disappointed now with me, because I was disappointed then with Huang Ah Ma. But at the same time, it's different. For most of my childhood, Huang Ah Ma was my father but he was also the Emperor and that took him so far away from me. With Ji Xiang, though, it makes me question…"
"It makes you question what?"
"Myself. Whether I'm really such a good father, after all."
Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer immediately but she just looked at him seriously for a while. Then she took his hand and entwined her fingers in his. "Yong Qi, you're a wonderful father for my children, and don't you ever question it!"
"Then why did I disappoint Ji Xiang?"
"I think - I think that the feeling of disappointment she feels now is because she'd always held up this perfect image of you. She has to come to realise that no one is literally perfect, not even her Daddy and it's that realisation that is disappointing to her."
"So that means she is disappointed in me."
"I think it's more like she's disappointed at life in general. I think when she finally learns to accept the situation and gains a little perspective on it, she would think of you and your love for her and then, I would be surprised if she would still be disappointed. She might had been let down by the knowledge of things that happened in our past, but what about that means that you are not a good father to her? Perfection isn't about doing nothing wrong. Perfection is about being right for the situation, because of and along with all the imperfections. Ji Xiang will just have to get used to the fact that there is a past part of your - our - lives before she was born that wasn't as ideal as she would like it to be. I don't think she would tell you you're not a good father because of that past. You told me once that we can't escape regretful pasts in our lives. You were right, if there's no imperfection in our past, we can hardly seek to make the present and the future better. You've always done what you believed was good and best for Ji Xiang, for all of our children. You love them. In the end, I think that's what matters most."
Yong Qi just looked at her bemusedly for a long while.
"What?"
"I was just thinking, where did you get all this wisdom?"
Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "I've been living with you for the last twenty years, where do you think I got it from?"
Yong Qi just smiled and wrapped his arms around her, engulfing the two of them in a comforting silence. They stayed like that for a long while.
"We're seeing Huang Ah Ma tomorrow," said Yong Qi.
"Are you nervous?"
He gave Xiao Yan Zi a crooked smile. "Are you?"
"No. I'm just terrified."
"Me too."
"I can't do this, I can't do this." Xiao Yan Zi was muttering this over and over to herself as she paced around the main room of Xue Shi Fu, where Zi Wei usually received guests. .
Er Kang was in the morning court assembly and was due to come back with Qian Long later. She, Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Ji Xiang were waiting for them to arrive. A visit from the Emperor to their home was only too usual an occurrence that the Fu children were off doing their own things, knowing that he was not coming to see them, at any rate.
Yong Qi was following his wife's pacing with his eyes and finally it seemed to have worn out his last nerve. "Xiao Yan Zi, will you please sit down. You are driving me mad." He wasn't any better at curbing his nervousness, though, as he was drumming his fingers on the table he was sitting at.
Xiao Yan Zi ignored him and continued her pacing. Zi Wei looked torn between amusement and the need to calm them down. Ji Xiang looked pensively between her parents, not really knowing quite what to feel, as she had never seen either of them this agitated, especially her father who was usually required to keep absolute calm by nature of his work.
Ji Xiang had not really talked to her father again since their conversation the day before, when her parents first arrived. A sort of silent truce, the kind that usually took place whenever Ji Xiang fought with her mother, had passed between her and her father. Only the difference was, of course, they weren't both angry at each other, as was usually the case with her and her mother. She was the one who had been angry at him. She still didn't know what to make of everything she recently found out about her father just yet, but she was no longer as stiff around him as she was the day before.
In a way, it was almost impossible to stay really mad at her father when she hadn't seen him in months and had missed him for all of that time. Life in Xue Shi Fu was full of comfort but her family was always missing; it was comforting to have her parents here with her. It was only their presence that truly convinced Ji Xiang she had not dreamt up that whole story of her father being a prince and her mother being sworn sister to a princess.
Zi Wei stopped Xiao Yan Zi mid-pace and pushed her down onto a chair. "Come on, relax. It's just Huang Ah Ma."
Yong Qi shook his head but he looked relieved that Xiao Yan Zi had stopped trying to single-handedly making the room spin with her pacing. "I'm not sure that helps. Huang Ah Ma is never just Huang Ah Ma."
"Well, he is your father," said Zi Wei.
"You were a wreck when you first met Huang Ah Ma so you can't tell us not to be nervous," Xiao Yan Zi shot back.
"At least you're not meeting him for the first time in your entire life."
"No, just for the first time in seventeen years," replied Yong Qi.
"What are you so nervous about?"
"I'm just thinking of what Huang Ah Ma said to me when he agreed to let us go."
Zi Wei gave her brother a long, pondering look before speaking."You know, you shouldn't be feeling guilty about the Crown Prince position. Huang Ah Ma would never have let you go if he didn't think he could find a substitute for you in the other princes. Though, mind you, I reckon if he has a choice, his first choice would still be you."
"You are not making me feel any better about that, you know."
"I know," Zi Wei said, smiling. "I just want to say, though Huang Ah Ma had plans for you, he trusted you enough to let you choose your life for yourself, to not force you into what he wanted. Doesn't that show how much he loves you?"
"That's not what bothers me." Yong Qi stood up and looked far out into the courtyard, lost in thoughts. "It's just that Huang Ah Ma had always made his preferences known. There are times when I feel I took unfair advantage of those preferences."
Zi Wei chuckled. "Well, really, as a mother, I feel it's impossible to have favourites between my children. But Huang Ah Ma never had trouble having favourites among his, sons as well as daughters."
"I suppose it's easier for Huang Ah Ma. He has…I've lost count now…a lot of children to choose from. Besides, we weren't all born for the most flattering of reasons. There are more than just good feelings involved with the births of Huang Ah Ma's children."
"I can't disagree with you on that." The sadness that tinged Zi Wei's reply spoke of a burden that she rarely allowed herself to express, possibly even to herself. There probably was a time when she could have deluded herself into thinking her father wanted her existence, but the truth was, she was never meant to be born. Both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi turned and looked at her sympathetically. Zi Wei just shook her head sadly. "It's really a fact I've resigned myself to a long time ago."
In the short silence that followed, Ji Xiang thought about the conversation she just heard, more specifically the part about her father's potential for the throne. She was having enough trouble getting used to hearing her father being addressed and referred to by his proper name by everyone, including her mother, but this latest realisation was rather a big bite to swallow. She had assumed that since he had so easily left the palace and his title, his father couldn't possibly have been very important and that surely his leaving would never affect the running of the imperial court. Now to think that her father could have been Crown Prince, had been in consideration to inherit the throne, it all rather overwhelmed Ji Xiang. She was not even sure she could ever reconcile the idea of her father and throne into a single concept.
After a while, Zi Wei spoke again. "You know, Yong Qi, other princes would have taken advantage of Huang Ah Ma's preference for them to get the throne. That's probably what made you so perfect for it. You never wanted it, so if you get it, it won't be for a malicious reason. At the same that's also the reason why you should never become Emperor. It would make you so incredibly miserable, even if I know you would carry it out properly."
"Properly isn't always competently, Zi Wei."
"You really don't think you would make a good Emperor?"
"No, I don't. Why? Do you?"
"You know I do."
Yong Qi smiled thinly at his sister. "Yet you say I care too much."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Zi Wei, if there's a lesson I learnt from Huang Ah Ma about the art of ruling, it's that one is much better off caring more about the power than about the feelings of those around. Power, it's about being ruthless enough to not be influenced by those around you, to do whatever it takes to get what you want done."
"But then someone like Da Ah Ge would make a horrible Emperor, Yong Qi," Xiao Yan Zi dropped into the conversation suddenly.
Yong Qi chuckled. "Well, there's such thing as too much."
"I think Er Kang would resign if he ever has to serve under Yong Lian," Zi Wei laughed.
"I think Er Kang would be killed if he ever has to serve under Yong Lian," Yong Qi said cynically. "Yong Lian hates him. Then again, that's partly my fault."
Zi Wei smiled. "Yong Lian would hate Er Kang anyway, considering Ling Fei was his aunt. And Shi Wu Ah Ge is his worst competitor at the throne."
"So it's true, then? Yong Yan?" Yong Qi asked seriously.
Zi Wei hesitated. "It's supposed to be a secret, but really, as you said, Huang Ah Ma doesn't exactly hide his preference well, does he?"
"It's so strange," Xiao Yan Zi said.
"What is?"
"Yong Yan. The last time we saw him, he was five years old."
"Xiao Yan Zi, you could feel like a big sister to him all you like, but I very much doubt he would appreciate you remembering him at five years old."
"I don't think I can quite imagine him at five years old anymore, with all that innocence," Zi Wei said.
"What do you mean, with all that innocence?" Xiao Yan Zi looked genuinely alarmed at what her friend just implied.
Yong Qi chuckled and said rather matter-of-factly, "It's kind of hard to keep on thinking the world's all sunshine and daisies for very long in the palace where there's so much competition and backstabbing to 'educate' you of what the real world is like. One can be so sheltered yet at the same time so exposed, growing up in the palace."
"Is he suitable then, do you think?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.
Zi Wei hesitated. "I won't deny that he's smart. Just…well…put it this way, I don't think either of you'd like him, as a person."
"We wouldn't?" Xiao Yan Zi said at the same time as Yong Qi said, "That's not exactly a surprise."
Xiao Yan Zi looked at her husband and raised an eyebrow. "It's not?"
"No it's not. To be honest, Xiao Yan Zi, it's very hard for my brothers and I to like each other as people and enjoy each other's company beyond the duties of work. As children we might get along because we never knew any better, but even then, there had always been ganging up and splitting sides. Then there's always the underlying resentment from our mothers. Most of the time it's not outright hate or contempt. Perhaps there might be some grudging but silent respect but most of the time it's just sort of a silent competition. But then of course, there are ones like Yong Lian."
"I think Yong Yan sort of sees me as the big sister who used to give him sweets as a child but someone he shouldn't have anything to do with now that he's grown up," Zi Wei smiled.
"So is he any good?" Yong Qi asked. "Intelligence isn't everything for it. Yong Lian isn't exactly stupid but well, let's just say we can't do much worse if he, Heaven forbids, ever becomes Emperor."
"I don't think we'll have to worry about Da Ah Ge, since Huang Ah Ma made it rather clear he'd taken himself off the succession list a long time ago. But Yong Yan, he's got the excessive pride part down right."
"He's an Ai Xin Jue Luo, what did you expect?" Xiao Yan Zi muttered.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Yong Qi asked indignantly while Zi Wei laughed.
"I think it means that she thinks all members of our family are too proud for our own good."
"Not all. Not you, Zi Wei. But Ai Xin Jue Luo men are, most of the time." She shot Yong Qi a pointed look.
"There must be something about all that pride that appealed to you, because in case you haven't noticed you fell in love with one," Zi Wei said, while Yong Qi chortled and shook his head.
"I've noticed," Xiao Yan Zi answered dryly.
At that moment, a servant entered the room and told them that Er Kang and Qian Long have arrived at the gates. Yong Qi stood up and clenched his trembling hands. Xiao Yan Zi paled considerably at this announcement."I can't see him, I can't."
Even Ji Xiang stiffened. Though she had met the Emperor quite a few times since her stay here, and also since she found out the truth about her parents' identities, she still felt very uncomfortable around him though he was very kind to her, and it was only until Zi Wei told her about her parents' titles that she truly understood why. Yet Ji Xiang still found herself, perhaps not terrified, but very much inhibited around him. She wasn't sure whether this was because he was the Emperor or because he was the Emperor and he was her grandfather at the same time. He did not in any way impose his rank on her of course, but she still struggled to feel truly like he was her grandfather in the sense that she always imagined. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself as she looked out the door for Qian Long's arrival, any moment now. She was not the only one who did so.
Zi Wei squeezed Xiao Yan Zi's hand comfortingly just as Qian Long walked into the room, followed by Er Kang.
Qian Long took note of Zi Wei and Ji Xiang's greeting but his eyes remained on Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi as he walked into the room.
To Yong Qi, the nearly twenty years they had been apart showed in every line that had appeared on his father's face; he looked much older than Yong Qi remembered or imagined. It made his heart burn with guilt. He knew if there had ever been anyone who could convince both he and Xiao Yan Zi to stay in the palace all those years ago, it would had been Qian Long. Now, seeing the age on his father's face, the white of his hair and feebleness of his form, Yong Qi felt the gnawing pain and guilt of leaving attacking him even more strongly than ever.
"Huang Ah Ma." This was all Yong Qi could say gruffly as he fell to his knees in front of the man that had always been a world away from him, yet commanding so much love and respect from him. Immediately Qian Long stooped down to raise him up on his feet. His father put both hands on his shoulders and looked at him with utmost affection and almost an expression of wonder, as if not believing that Yong Qi was before him again.
"Yong Qi, Yong Qi, my son."
At Qian Long's words, the tears that had been shining in Yong Qi's eyes fell as he gripped his father's arms tightly. He wanted to hug his father but he only remembered ever hugging Qian Long once, and even then, it had been Qian Long who had initiated the hug. It was back just before he married Zhi Hua, on their way back to Beijing from the trip to the south. They had helped Qing Er and Xiao Jian run away, for which Qian Long had locked up Er Kang. He had protested on Er Kang's behalf, earning a painful slap from his father. As a prince, no one had ever dared slap him before. Even as a child, if he was naughty, the worst punishment he earned was writing lines. The first time someone slapped him, it was his father. Then, he truly understood what Xiao Yan Zi felt when Qian Long slapped her over Xiang Fei. Their reconciliatory hug had only come after Qing Er and Xiao Jian, being unable to make their friends suffer, had returned.
However, all that didn't matter then as they didn't matter now as Qian Long pulled him into a fierce hug, tighter than he remembered the last one to be. For a long moment, Yong Qi could only grip the back of his father's robes, savouring the hug and unable to say anything. Words were not necessary, in any case. Around them, everyone was teary-eyed, except Xiao Yan Zi who was way passed that stage. She was crying earnestly.
When Qian Long released Yong Qi, he turned to Xiao Yan Zi and smiled. "Well, Xiao Yan Zi? After all these years and you still haven't learnt to greet Huang Ah Ma on time?"
"Huang - Huang - "
She only managed that before she threw her arms around Qian Long, hugged him tight and sobbed on his shoulder. Yong Qi looked at them with a small smile and wiped away the tears on his cheek.
Xiao Yan Zi was still sniffling when she broke apart from Qian Long, but then she dried her tears and dropped a very proper curtsey.
"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang!"
Qian Long chuckled and raised her up himself.
"So it would seem you still remember your courtly manners. Still, perhaps Ji Xiang would not so appreciate her name being taken in vain so often," Qian Long said, still chuckling.
Ji Xiang did not get the joke that made the Emperor, Zi Wei, Er Kang and her parents all smile, therefore she said nothing.
"We were not exactly thinking of this when we named her Ji Xiang, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi chuckled, "though it did occur to us later. Xiao Yan Zi insisted on keeping it, as a laugh at ourselves."
"Ji Xiang Ge Ge ji xiang," Xiao Yan Zi giggled and it was only then that Ji Xiang understood. She looked uncomfortable at being called Ge Ge, even only in jest. It was apparently another thing she hadn't pieced together about this whole situation, along with the fact that the Emperor was her grandfather, that as the daughter of a Qin Wang, she was technically a Ge Ge.
"I see you two are well and happy and can only hope Qing Er and Xiao Jian are as well. Ji Xiang did assure me of the fact but I am more convinced now that I see you before me," Qian Long said fondly.
"We should be asking after your health first, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said.
"I am well, Yong Qi, considering all things."
"Considering all things? What things?" asked Xiao Yan Zi worriedly.
Qian Long chuckled. "Not too serious things, Xiao Yan Zi. All the normal things like old age and headaches over squabbles between my sons over the throne before I am even dead yet."
"Huang Ah Ma, I - "
Qian Long sighed. "No, Yong Qi, I did not mention for you to feel guilty. I will not regret letting you go if you will not regret it, son."
Yong Qi could only nod to show that he understood the sentiment behind his father's words, even if they didn't have the effect intended. There would be nothing that would stop him from feeling guilty, especially now when he had seen the effects of the years on his father. He should be by his father's side, sharing the burdens and become the comfort of his old age. Instead, Yong Qi had spent the last nearly twenty years miles away in Dali. Even if his father didn't blame him, Yong Qi wouldn't ever be able to forgive himself. Really, he didn't want to forgive himself for his own selfishness; he didn't deserve that complete happiness and the guilt was only a reminder of that, a reminder that he gladly carried.
It did not seem, however, that his father was interested in dwelling on such unhappy matters. He was simply glad to see Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi again, and it showed in the way he gladly leaned on them, let them slip their arms around either of his and lead him to a chair. The fond looks he gave them was free of any pain or regret and he was determined to keep the mood in the room cheerful, as should be at such a reunion.
"Well, from my talk with Ji Xiang, Yong Qi, I must commend your child-raising method. How do you do it? I would be glad if my children spoke half so well of me as your daughter does of you."
Xiao Yan Zi protested defensively, "We would speak very well of you, Huang Ah Ma." To this, Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Er Kang all voiced their agreements. Qian Long just smiled indulgently at them.
"I only spoke the truth," Ji Xiang said shyly.
"Ah yes, I am sure. But Ji Xiang, from what I gather, you apparently are under the impression that your Daddy is perfect and could do no wrong. I cannot claim to know everything about my children but I can say I know enough of your father to firmly say that he is not perfect."
"I'm sure Ji Xiang had realised that by now, too, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said quietly, but he was looking intensely at Ji Xiang, who squirmed uncomfortably.
"I must say, though, Yong Qi," Er Kang said, "if Ji Xiang's knowledge of literature and calligraphy skills are any indication of the abilities of your other children, I say I must meet the rest of them soon."
"I take it then, you are impressed? You approve?"
"Certainly," Er Kang grinned while Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei exchanged a smile.
Qian Long just chuckled. He wanted to say something but knew, from Ji Xiang's completely oblivious expression, that she knew nothing of her and Ying Zhong yet. So he simply said, "You have done well with her, you two. But I should not be surprised, should I?"
"No, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi said softly, "for she is your granddaughter."
"Well, you can credit all her upbringing to Yong Qi, my brother and Qing Er, Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi said casually. "For we know I do not have much to pass on to her."
"Modesty from you, Xiao Yan Zi? Well, I would never expect," Qian Long said with a straight face and a twinkle in his eyes. Xiao Yan Zi spluttered while Yong Qi turned away to hide a smile and Zi Wei and Er Kang chuckled. Ji Xiang looked like she didn't know whether to laugh or not.
"Do not worry, Xiao Yan Zi, that you are not appreciated. I may be a man but I do have quite a few children and I know they do not just suddenly appear. Someone has to give birth to them," Qian Long continued.
"I am surprised," Zi Wei said, changing the subject, seeing that Xiao Yan Zi looked a bit flushed, "that Ji Xiang does not play weiqi when you do so well, Yong Qi."
Yong Qi just smiled. Ji Xiang, on the other hand, looked at him with some surprise. "You can play weiqi, Father?"
"Of course he can!" Qian Long exclaimed. "It would be rather scandalous if a son of mine did not! Though I have to say, Ji Xiang, your father can play a bit too well."
"Yes, I've given up playing weiqi against him a long time ago," Er Kang chuckled. "Not many twelve-year-olds would enjoy being beaten to pieces on the board by his little brother's nine-year-old friend."
"I'm sure you'll fare better now than you did then, Er Kang," Yong Qi chuckled.
"No, Yong Qi, I vowed I would never humiliate myself on the weiqi board against you again and I will not. As for your comment, Zi Wei, Yong Qi may be an excellent weiqi player, but he would make a horrible teacher of the game."
"Why?"
"You've never played against him have you?" Xiao Yan Zi grumbled. Yong Qi just chuckled.
"No, but I've seen him play against Xiao Jian once. Fine, so Xiao Jian lost but why would he not make a good teacher?"
"Yong Qi doesn't know how to play gently and never plays handicapped," Qian Long explained. "I cannot blame your reluctance to play him, Er Kang. I do not very often feel my ego is up to being trampled on at the weiqi board by him either."
"I would not dare to trample on your ego if you did not let me, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi protested mildly.
"My ego would be in worse pieces to have you purposefully lose the game in an attempt to pamper it, Yong Qi," Qian Long said.
Er Kang chuckled. "As I said, he's an excellent player but anyone who learns from him will end up so scared of the game that they will never want to see another board again."
"I'd say," Xiao Yan Zi muttered.
Zi Wei laughed. "Is that why you never ask me to play with you again after you got married, Xiao Yan Zi?"
Xiao Yan Zi just scowled huffily while Yong Qi patted her back gently, smiling.
"The point of teaching someone is to go easy on them at first so that they last long enough in the game to learn," Er Kang said. "Yong Qi is apparently incapable of doing that. So, Ji Xiang, if you do want to learn weiqi, you are better off having your aunt or uncle teach you, not your father."
"Now I'm intrigued," Zi Wei said. "I can't believe I've never played against you before. I want to know what they're all fussing about."
Yong Qi just smiled at her. "You want a game, little sister?"
"Yes," Zi Wei said, looking at him challengingly.
Er Kang just shook his head but called a servant to retrieve a weiqi set anyway, while Qian Long said, "You don't know what you're getting yourself into, Zi Wei."
"I haven't played a game properly in years, Huang Ah Ma," Yong Qi shrugged.
"Anyone could become rusty if they are out of practice but not you, Yong Qi," Er Kang chuckled.
"Besides, Xiao Jian didn't lose that badly," Zi Wei shrugged.
"I didn't think it was beneficial for me to beat Xiao Jian too badly. After all, I was going to marry his sister, it was best to keep myself in his good book," Yong Qi grinned cheekily.
"Ah, so you do know how to hold yourself back from winning too high, unlike what they said."
"Of course I know, but it's just against my principles to do it. But that was not holding myself back, that was tactic in the bigger scheme of things," her brother said.
Weiqi was the only one of his skills that Yong Qi ever allowed himself to be smug about. Despite what Qian Long might or might not claim, Yong Qi received all his natural proficiency in the game not from his father but from his mother. She had been an excellent weiqi player, which was one the first thing that Qian Long noticed about her. She had started teaching Yong Qi to play her favourite game when he was only four. In fact, the weiqi board contained some of Yong Qi's happiest memories of his mother. By the time his official weiqi lessons started with the imperial tutors, he was not a popular figure among his classmates, considering by then he could effortlessly beat them all. By fourteen, he could beat Qian Long, an excellent player himself, in under two hours, much to his father's consternation and pride. Xiao Yan Zi had foolishly asked him to play with her soon after they married. Even his love for her did not allow him to go gentle on her. It was safe to say that she never asked him to play with her again after that first game.
It was not surprising to him, though, that Zi Wei had never played against him. He may allow himself to be smug about winning the games he played, Yong Qi never went out his way to find people to play with. Anyone foolish enough to challenge him to a game once would usually be hard pressed to do so again anytime soon, if at all. The only person who had ever insisted on playing regularly against him before was Ji Xiao Lan, whose pride was beyond accepting that he could lose every single time to someone who had been his student since the age of five.
Though Yong Qi had to admit, Zi Wei put up a fierce fight. It took him almost three hours to beat her.
"I'm impressed, Zi Wei," Yong Qi smiled at her.
"I'm not," Zi Wei moaned as she took in the fact that this was about the worst game she'd ever lost since her teacher stopped playing handicapped against her when she was fifteen. However she had to admit that playing with Yong Qi was certainly an experience. His style was entirely unpredictable and he was capable of such bluffs and double-bluffs that made her head turn and half the time she could never understand why he made a particular move until it was too late. By the time she reluctantly admitted defeat, Zi Wei found that she'd developed a headache.