Chapter 8: Love Does Not Insist on Its Own Way
"Hello, Zhi Hua," Yong Qi said quietly after Ji Xiang disappeared behind the archway to the next courtyard.
"What - why - how - when - who - " Zhi Hua tried to talk but obviously the number of questions in her mind were making her quite incapable of coherent speech, quite strange for someone usually as eloquent as Zhi Hua.
Yong Qi stayed silent, waiting for her to regain her speech and ask her questions properly. He knew exactly what she was trying to ask but he didn't want to have to decide for himself which of those incriminating questions he should answer first.
"You are here. You are alive," Zhi Hua said finally, stepping closer to him. He couldn't see how he could back away.
"I don't think you ever believed I wasn't alive, Zhi Hua." Yong Qi forced himself to look at her calmly, though calm was about the last thing he felt right then.
Zhi Hua pursed her lips together and looked on the verge of an emotional breakdown, but for a long time, neither of them said anything else.
"You left!" Zhi Hua cried suddenly, as if all her emotions had caved in. "You left me! How could you do it? You didn't love me, but I am your wife! Your wife, Yong Qi! And you left!" Her tears didn't fall but the stricken look on her face made Yong Qi remember even more forcefully why meeting her after all this time was a very bad idea. Before he could answer, she spoke again. "Why? Why, Yong Qi, why? What did I do?"
She stepped even closer to him, so that now they were close enough to touch. Still, Yong Qi didn't move away; he just stared incredulously at her. "What did you do? What did you do? You, of all people, should know why! You, of all people, should know what you did!"
"For you! You know what I did for you, and you left me for it! How could you?"
"For me? You bargained our son's life, for me? How could you actually say that? How could you still be asking me why?"
"I did wrong!" she cried, now bursting into tears. If it was anyone else standing there crying like this, Yong Qi would at least offer some comfort, but it was Zhi Hua, and he found that he could not react any other way than just to stand there, watching her cry. "I didn't mean for him to die! I didn't, Yong Qi, I swear! Heaven knows how I regret it!"
"I know," Yong Qi said sadly. "Still you risked it! You gambled, Zhi Hua!"
"Can't you see why? Why can't you see why I did it? For you, yes, and it was because you never look at me, not like you look at her! You wouldn't care, not even when I was carrying your child and she couldn't even give you one. Can you blame me for doing whatever it took so that my husband could just want me, just once? Can you blame me for wanting my husband to look at me with some good feeling?"
"Yes I can blame you! Because, Zhi Hua, if you could risk your unborn child's life for my attention, what wouldn't you do? How could I ever trust you again?"
"But I love you! I love you!"
For a moment, Yong Qi could not say anything. She was looking at him through her tears and reaching out her hand to take his. He pulled his hands swiftly away and clasped them behind his back. He knew she recognised the rejection.
"What is it that you love about me, Zhi Hua?"
"Everything! I could appreciate your talents, your intelligence, your potential! I understood you more than she ever will!"
"Yet you don't understand why I left." The memories that he had suppressed for all these years have flooded back with Zhi Hua's presence, and they had made him angry with her again; still, he couldn't help but pity her as well. "Do you love me or my title, Zhi Hua?"
"You and your title go together. You cannot deny what you were born into, Yong Qi! You are an Ai Xin Jue Luo; you and your title cannot be parted."
"Apparently it can, Zhi Hua. Wu Ah Ge, Rong Qin Wang is dead. That is a fact that cannot be changed."
"You are alive! Rong Qin Wang cannot be dead if you are alive!"
"I am Ai Qi, not Rong Qin Wang. I will never be Rong Qin Wang again. The sooner you accept that, the easier life will be for you."
She didn't say anything.
"If you could do it again, would you do it? Would you risk the baby's life like that?"
"No!" she exclaimed vehemently. "Losing him took you away from me! If he had been born, if he had lived, we would have had a son and you would never have left me! You would learn to love me because I could give you the thing you needed, the thing she couldn't give you - an heir."
To Yong Qi, the sadest thing about her statement was that she actually believed it; how he pitied her for it.
"You believe that if you want, Zhi Hua. In reality, what you did only made me realise that sooner or later, I would have to see what length you were willing to go just to get my attention. Sooner or later I would know what you were willing to risk, and sooner or later I wouldn't be able to trust you. If I couldn't trust you to still have some moral, sooner or later, I would still have left, Zhi Hua."
"You would leave your own son, your own child?" Zhi Hua asked, eyes wide.
"If he was born and I stayed, he would grow up knowing his father didn't love his mother and never will. If I left, he would grow up without a father. Either way, he would not get what he deserves. In a way, perhaps it is best that he never lived. He would have been a miserable child, born under those circumstances, Zhi Hua."
"You are glad that he died?" Zhi Hua whispered, barely audible. She looked like she was going to faint.
"Not glad. Never glad, Zhi Hua. But there are worse fates than death. A miserable life is harder to bear than death. We would be miserable if I stayed, Zhi Hua."
"No!" she cried. "We wouldn't have to be miserable! People make their own happiness! It all lay with you, you held the key to our happiness. We could have been happy, only if - "
" - only if I loved Xiao Yan Zi a little less. Only when it wasn't a grudge and blackmail that led to our marriage. People do make their own happiness, Zhi Hua, as you could have made yours after I left. You chose not to. I gave you your chance for happiness, Zhi Hua and you didn't take it."
"Are you saying it's my fault that I'm not happy now, when it was you who left?"
"Would you have been happy if I stayed, knowing that I love Xiao Yan Zi, and that will never change? I cannot rule my heart, Zhi Hua. Love doesn't just come because you want it to!" Yong Qi exclaimed. "Or would it have been the Empress position that would eventually make you happy?"
Zhi Hua didn't say anything, but just stared at him.
Yong Qi sighed. "Neither of us are faultless in this situation, Zhi Hua. We both made choices. I told you once before, you are too ambitious. If you keep wanting to win, those ambitions will come down and crush you. You were willing to do anything and everything because you believe you love me. But if you use love as an excuse to harm people, then the love is no longer pure and worthy of respect, Zhi Hua."
"But I love you," she repeated in a whisper.
Yong Qi was saved from answering and their conversation was interrupted by the sounds of footsteps. A moment later, Zi Wei rounded the corner. Yong Qi could not feel more relieved and he finally took a step back away from Zhi Hua, though she still was staring at him with wide eyes. She looked like she would kiss him if they weren't so interrupted.
Zi Wei gave Yong Qi a small sympathetic look before turning to Zhi Hua. "I've been a very bad hostess, Rong Wang Fei, to leave my guests standing out here and talk. Perhaps we could go into the sitting room and have a cup of tea?"
With that, she turned and led the way, with Yong Qi only too glad to come with her and leaving Zhi Hua no choice but to follow. As the three of them settled down in one of the sitting rooms, conversation turned to more neutral grounds.
"Who was that young lady I saw with you when I first arrived?" Zhi Hua asked Yong Qi. She looked like she'd forced herself to be calmer now that Zi Wei was here.
On second thought, perhaps not so neutral.
"Who do you think she is?"
Zhi Hua was silent, looking at him with an expression mixed with pain, regret and the feeling of being betrayed.
"My daughter," Yong Qi said. "Ji Xiang."
He couldn't keep the hint of pride out of his voice, and Zhi Hua caught it. The frown was barely noticeable on her face for just a second before she turned to Zi Wei and said, "The last time I saw you in the palace, you said said Xue Shi Fu had a guest who was injured..."
Zi Wei smiled as pleasantly as she could. "That's Ji Xiang."
"How did she come to be here?" Zhi Hua asked, when Zi Wei did not go on.
"It is rather intriguing, really. She was kidnapped and brought to Beijing but managed to escape from a kidnappers. But she ended up getting in the way of one of Ying Zhong's hunts and got shot by his arrow instead. Though I suppose it was fortunate that she came to us."
"When we heard the news from Er Kang and Zi Wei, of course we had to come and see that Ji Xiang was all right," Yong Qi added.
"I see." There was a silence. Then, "I hope she is recovering now?"
"Yes, though I suppose a bit shell-shocked from everything she found out here," Zi Wei said.
There was another silence.
"And - and - is - is - she here as well?" Zhi Hua looked directly at Yong Qi then, and neither Yong Qi nor Zi Wei doubted who Zhi Hua meant by 'she' this time around.
"Yes."
Yet another silence descended upon this answer, thicker and colder than the last. It was broken only by a person clearing their throat softly. The three of them turned to the entrance of the room and found that Xiao Yan Zi, as if on cue, had joined them.
Xiao Yan Zi could feel the tension pulsing in the room as she stepped inside and knew her presence would do little to relieve it.
"Jie jie," Zhi Hua greeted Xiao Yan Zi in a voice that was too sugary to be sincere. "How - good - to see you."
Xiao Yan Zi forced herself drop a small curtsy. "Rong Wang Fei ji xiang. There is no need to call me jie jie." She fought to keep her voice neutral, but it somehow came out very strained instead.
Zhi Hua gave a stiff smile that Xiao Yan Zi found she couldn't sincerely return.
"Where's Ji Xiang?" Zi Wei asked when another silence stretched on as Xiao Yan Zi sat down beside Yong Qi and Zhi Hua's eyes followed her every move.
"In her room. She's not feeling well. I think she's worn herself out for today."
"Is she all right? Should I - ?" Yong Qi asked, concerned.
Xiao Yan Zi shook her head slightly. "No, I think she's just overwhelmed by everything that's happened this morning."
"Are you sure?" Zi Wei asked. Xiao Yan Zi was sure Zi Wei said it purely to make some sort of conversation; she must know there was nothing really wrong with Ji Xiang considering she just saw her. "Perhaps I should call for a physician."
"Really, Zi Wei, a little rest should clear it up. She should be fine by lunchtime."
"You must think nothing of my medical skills if you feel we need to call for a physician to examine my daughter while I'm here, Zi Wei," Yong Qi said.
Zi Wei smiled sheepishly. "I forgot."
Zhi Hua seized the first moment when she could join in on the conversation though what she said impressed none of her audience. "Medical skills - ?"
"Yes. After we settled in Dali, I was able to meet a friend of Xiao Jian's godfather who was a very skilled physician. I was fortunate enough to have him take me as an apprentice and he passed on his medical skills to me. He didn't have any children so when he passed away seven years ago, I inherited his medical practices." Zhi Hua gave Yong Qi a blank look, like she hadn't understood a word of what he said. "I am a physician, Zhi Hua. You know, it's a profession, like the Imperial physician? Only for normal people?"
The slightly mocking tone of his voice was totally lost on Zhi Hua as she was apparently occupied with more dangerous information. "Profession? You would live by other people's money?"
There was an uncomfortable silence that followed Zhi Hua's horrified and rather impolitic outburst as the other three looked at her in astonishment, wondering whether there was supposed to be an insult hidden in that statement.
"I would live by money I earn, Zhi Hua. Believe it or not, most people do," Yong Qi said finally in a dry tone.
"But…but…I am not saying that such situation is shameful - " Zhi Hua stammered. Her cheeks were flushed red as she searched around for words.
"Really?" Xiao Yan Zi said under her breath. "You certainly sound like you do."
"I just mean…why would you…I mean, if you are here, in the palace, if you would come back, you would not have to suffer such…such degradation of your circumstances and have to rely on other people to pay you to live, but you could have independent money, all that is due to your title as a prince."
Zhi Hua looked at Yong Qi with a pleading look while he looked back at her with something akin to pity and Xiao Yan Zi could only just stare at her. Did Zhi Hua really just say that? Did she really not realise how ignorant that sounded? Xiao Yan Zi knew Zhi Hua was brought up in a sheltered life, in the luxury of her family estate in Haining, then the luxury of the palace as a Fu Jin, but she could not believe Zhi Hua could be so close-minded.
"Degradation? Degradation?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded indignantly. "I'll have you know, Rong Wang Fei, there is no degradation in a man earning his own living by honest means. What exactly is wrong with a profession that saves people's lives? I would hope you'd appreciate the existence of physicians the next time you fall ill and need their services!"
"I am not saying that there is anything wrong with such situation, in general, for normal people," Zhi Hua cried. "But for you, Yong Qi, a born prince of the blood, who could have access to all the wealth of the empire, to have to stoop so low as to live off other people's money, surely, surely it must be - "
"Be what, exactly?"
" - humiliating."
"You don't think you and the rest of the imperial family are also living off other people's money?" Yong Qi asked incredulously. "The money for the imperial family's living expenses comes from the people's taxes, Zhi Hua. Money doesn't appear out of thin air. The Emperor and princes and officials alike are doing their work of running the country and the people pay for their work with taxes. It's the same concept of normal people doing normal work and getting paid. Even being Emperor is just a profession, Zhi Hua, even if it is a rather exclusive profession."
"No!" Zhi Hua gasped breathlessly. "No, it's not the same! The elite, the Emperor, owns the lands and people pay taxes for the use of it to make their living. The taxes are all that is rightly due to us. All the money in the land belongs to the Emperor in the first place - "
"Zhi Hua," Yong Qi interrupted her. "I have a feeling whatever you or we say in this argument we're not going to agree. Perhaps the imperial family does have the rights to all the money in the country, but I'll tell you something. I learnt to appreciate my money and the hard work that comes into earning it more, thus the money is more valuable to me, now that I have to work for it. As I said, plenty of people do this and it's not in way shameful. If I do not feel it a degradation, why should you?"
"But you are a prince! How could you resign yourself to such a life, to do this for the rest of your life?"
"Why not? Other people do. You do not think I am capable of doing what thousands of other people do and be able to make my own living instead of having it handed to me on a plate?"
"It's not a question of capabilities! I know you are capable of a lot of things, but this! You, as a prince, have every right - "
"Ah, this is where you are wrong! I am not a prince any longer. This is apparently a fact you still have trouble grasping. But the truth, Zhi Hua, is that I have given up all my titles and now have no rights to them any more. For all purposes, Wu Ah Ge, Rong Qin Wang is dead. It will do us all good if you accept that fact."
Zhi Hua just stared at him, looking as if she had forgotten Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei were still in the same room with them. Somewhere along the way of the conversation, all of them had unconsciously got to their feet. She approached him so that they were standing face to face.
"You ask me to accept the fact that Rong Qin Wang is dead while you still live?" Zhi Hua demanded, her voice forceful. "How? How, Yong Qi, how? How am I supposed to accept it while you are still alive, while you are obviously not dead! How do you expect me to believe my husband is dead when he still lives on the opposite end of the country from me, with another woman, no less! Tell me how!"
"By realising that seventeen years is a long time, and that things change, people change," he replied without a trace of intimidation. "By realising that everything that has happened all these years would have changed me, so that whoever I was when I married you, that person has changed. I am no longer the prince you married, Zhi Hua. I am not even the same man you married. My life now has little to do with the court, the palace, the imperial family. I cannot, even if I wanted to, just go back to the palace and pick my titles up where I left them. Even you cannot deny that, Zhi Hua."
"Why not?" she demanded. "Er Kang was once thought dead too, but he came back. Why not you?"
Yong Qi didn't seem to be able to think of a reply to that, because he just stared at her, astonished that she still held such hopes.
"Zhi Hua," Zi Wei finally spoke up, gently. "Er Kang was thought dead for a few months. For Yong Qi, it's not even just a few years. It's been nearly twenty years! There is no way he could come back now and you should let go of that hope."
"Would you let go?" Zhi Hua demanded, wheeling around to face Zi Wei with a desperate expression on her face that was almost hysterical. Her voice was also appropriately a pitch higher. "If you were me, would you let go? Would you?"
Zi Wei seemed to want to speak, but then thought about her answer and realised it wouldn't help to speak her answer out loud. So she gave a sigh but remained quiet. However, Zhi Hua's question to Zi Wei made Xiao Yan Zi realise that though the three of them - Zhi Hua, Zi Wei, Xiao Yan Zi - grew up in very different environments, though they were so different in tempers and values, they did have one thing in common, after all. They loved. Xiao Yan Zi was sure, if she was ever in Zhi Hua's position, of knowing the man she loved still lived, she would not let go of hopes of him ever coming back to her either, that she would not remarry, either. So why did it matter if Xiao Yan Zi could know that Yong Qi loved her? So why did it matter that Zhi Hua never had Yong Qi's love? Did it matter so much, when in the end, they both loved? Perhaps they did not love in the same way, but no doubt it was with the same intensity.
Therein lied the cruelty of leaving, she finally realised. Of course, Yong Qi had asked Lao Fo Ye and Qian Long to see to Zhi Hua's future happiness, but they were aware that she knew Yong Qi lived. It might have been kinder to have never made such a request, because by making it, they were dangling that happiness in front of Zhi Hua, and yet knowing that Zhi Hua's conscience would never allow her to take it. No wonder Zhi Hua was this desperate now.
So lost was Xiao Yan Zi in her thoughts that she did not hear Yong Qi say, "I'm sorry, Zhi Hua," and consequently, she was startled by Zhi Hua's fierce reply.
"I don't want you to be sorry! I just need you to love me, just a little bit! Please, Yong Qi! Why is that so hard?"
"I need you to stop loving me," Yong Qi replied sadly. "Why is that so hard?"
"I can't," Zhi Hua whispered. "I can't stop loving just because you want me to."
"Neither can I," he answered.
She shot Xiao Yan Zi a venomous look, jealousy clearly etched on every feature of her face. "Why? Why her?"
"Why me, Zhi Hua?"
Zhi Hua had turned back to him now to look at him with tearful eyes, and he met her gaze. Zi Wei wasn't looking at the three of them, but was staring determinedly at a corner of the room with an uncomfortable look on her face, looking as if she wanted to appear as small as possible. Like her, Xiao Yan Zi too felt like she was intruding, just by being there. She was standing too close to Yong Qi, she thought, though they were in no way touching. She was certainly too close to Zhi Hua, so close that she could observe every single one of Zhi Hua's expressions. Her lips were pursed tight and her brows were furrowed into a pained expression and Xiao Yan Zi wished she could not see the beginning of tears making their way into those eyese. She knew Yong Qi was hers now, but there was no satisfaction to be had, only the mounting discomfort of the knowledge that she was part of the reason for Zhi Hua's pain. Xiao Yan Zi never wanted this war and never wanted to be such a winner.
"Come back to me," Zhi Hua whispered finally. "Just come back to me. I don't care if you don't love me. Please."
Zhi Hua had never allowed Xiao Yan Zi to hear her speak with anything less than pride, so the desperation that now rang in her every word made Xiao Yan Zi feel a new, odd nagging sense of guilt. Xiao Yan Zi never consciously wanted to bring this kind of pain on anyone, even Zhi Hua, still she felt like Zhi Hua's pain was her fault, nonetheless. It did not seem fair that for Xiao Yan Zi to have her happiness, Zhi Hua had to suffer. Xiao Yan Zi never wanted anyone, not even Zhi Hua, to have to suffer for her happiness. Or was this unhappiness just everything that Zhi Hua deserved after everything she did to try and take Yong Qi away from Xiao Yan Zi? Did anyone deserve to be so unhappy, regardless of what she did? Where was the justice in reducing Zhi Hua to a place where she would put aside all her pride and self-respect to beg a man to come back to her, despite knowing he would not love her?
"Will you honestly not care?" Yong Qi asked.
"I will care, but I will bear it! I just want you back! Please!"
There was a long silence. Xiao Yan Zi could not look at them. Then:
"I can't. I'm sorry, Zhi Hua."
"Can't, or won't?"
"Can't. Even if I could, I wouldn't. We would be miserable, together. You would not be able to stand being on the sideline, knowing I can't love you, Zhi Hua. You know that."
Xiao Yan Zi thought Zhi Hua would break down then, but she did not. She just looked at him. The whole room was still. None of them moved. Xiao Yan Zi wanted to disappear from the room but found that she had no excuse to be anywhere right now. Zi Wei looked like she hoped Zhi Hua and Yong Qi had forgotten she was in the room, which they probably have.
The silence stretched on and it was only broken by Er Kang's entrance.
The presence of the master of the house fractured the thick tension in the room and made Yong Qi and Zhi Hua look away from each other. While Er Kang and Zhi Hua were forced to take part in the customary greetings, Xiao Yan Zi had a moment to examine her feelings.
Right then, Xiao Yan Zi couldn't feel jealous of Zhi Hua, nor could she feel anything except sorrow. Of course, she Zhi Hua was no less Yong Qi's wife now than she was all those years ago when they left, but still, right then, it was almost impossible to do anything but pity Zhi Hua. To say she was not bothered by how strong Zhi Hua's feelings for Yong Qi still were would be lying, but she did not dislike her. She did not like her, certainly. There was too much between them for her to like Zhi Hua. She only wished things never had a chance to turn out this way.
"So, Rong Wang Fei," Er Kang said, unable to keep the tone of surprise from his voice, "to what do we owe the honour of a visit today?"
"I thought I would visit Zi Wei Ge Ge, but it appears I have imposed myself upon your family and your...guests," Zhi Hua said stiffly.
Silence stretched for several moments until Er Kang recovered his wits enough to manage a neutral reply. "I hope you would not think that you are not welcomed here at any time."
"You are all politeness, I'm sure," Zhi Hua said, still stiffly. She looked at Er Kang, challenging him to say that she was perfectly welcome even now, when Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were staying here and obviously did not want to see her. He didn't take up her challenge.
Zi Wei cleared her throat and said, "Well, now that you're here, perhaps I could persuade you to stay and have lunch with us."
Xiao Yan Zi could not say she rejoiced at this suggestion and hoped that Zhi Hua would decline. She knew Zi Wei was just being polite, since it was close to lunch time and she could not just tell her guest to leave, especially not a guest such as Zhi Hua. Xiao Yan Zi could imagine the awkward relationship: Zhi Hua should be an intimate friend of their family but there was probably too much stood between them to make this possible. She wondered how Zi Wei and Er Kang managed to keep the delicate balance of their relationship with Zhi Hua over the years: on the one hand, she was officially the widow of their favourite brother and so they should express more sympathy and care towards her than anyone, but on the other hand, they were the ones who knew what she knew but could not prove, that Yong Qi was alive. What was worse, they had orchestrated the charade around his "death". It must make family dinners with all three of them in attendance such a joy.
Zhi Hua glanced at Xiao Yan Zi, who was trying to keep her expression neutral. The keyword was, of course, 'try'.
"I do not think Jie jie would enjoy my company for lunch. Of course you must consider your other guests as well, Zi Wei Ge Ge, and I'm sure Jie jie would want to object to you inviting me to stay."
"It is not for me to tell Zi Wei who she may or may not invite over for lunch in her own home, Rong Wang Fei," Xiao Yan Zi said coolly. "And as I said, there is no need to call me Jie jie."
"I am simply giving you the deference that is your due, Jie jie," Zhi Hua said in a syrupy voice. It took both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi considerable effort not to grimace or roll their eyes at this insincere statement.
"Surely you would not leave now that you've just arrived," said Zi Wei, unfailingly polite.
"If I stay, shall I meet your daughter properly?" Zhi Hua asked Yong Qi.
"I suppose, yes," Yong Qi said.
"Then I shall accept the invitation for lunch, Zi Wei Ge Ge."
Zi Wei was now standing behind Zhi Hua so she gave Xiao Yan Zi a comforting look over Zhi Hua's shoulders, as if telling her that the meeting will have to take place sooner or later now that Zhi Hua was aware of Ji Xiang's existence and their presence here. Xiao Yan Zi suppressed an audible sigh and had to admit that she could not keep Ji Xiang from meeting Zhi Hua either, no matter how the introduction wouldn't be enjoyable. She wondered why Zhi Hua even wanted to meet Ji Xiang in the first place.
Meanwhile, Ji Xiang, left alone, went looking for Xuan Zhuang and found her in her brothers' study, playing weiqi with Ying Zhong. Ying De and Ying Yi were nowhere to be found.
"Where are your brothers?" Ji Xiang asked.
"Still at school, probably. Why? Are we not good enough company, Ai Xiao jie?" Ying Zhong teased.
Ji Xiang gave him a sidelong glare. "I was merely being polite, asking after them, Fu Shao ye."
"Why are you here, anyway?" Xuan Zhuang asked. "Not that I don't enjoy your company, Jie jie. Just that E'niang said you were talking with your father when I was looking for you earlier."
"Rong Wang Fei is here, and your mother and my parents have gone to see her," Ji Xiang said, trying to keep her voice even.
Both Xuan Zhuang and Ying Zhong gave startled looks and turned away from their game. "Rong Wang Fei is here? I thought my parents said that it was best that we keep your and your parents' visit to Xue Shi Fu a secret from her?" Ying Zhong asked.
"Yes, but she just happened upon my father and me in the garden."
Xuan Zhuang and Ying Zhong exchanged a long look, before Xuan Zhuang turned to Ji Xiang and said tentatively, "So you've met Rong Wang Fei."
"No, not exactly. My father told me to go tell your mother about her arrival as soon as she arrived, so I didn't get to properly meet her."
"Ah," was Xuan Zhuang's reply.
Ji Xiang looked curiously at them. "What do you think of her? I mean, you know her and everything, right?"
Ying Zhong looked pensive. "I don't think we're the best people to form an opinion on Rong Wang Fei, Ai Xiao jie."
"Why not?"
Ying Zhong thought for a moment before answering. "Well, put it this way. Our mother has a lot of brothers and sisters. Thus we have a lot of relatives. Well, I suppose they're your relatives as well, but the point is, we grew up with this huge family, using that term as loosely as possible. As such, we don't spend enough time with many of them to form a concrete opinion on anyone. Rong Wang Fei always had an odd sort of relationship with our parents, whereby she acts like she wants to avoid our entire family but in reality can't actually manage to do this. This is why every once in a while she comes here to visit our mother, though no one, including she, ever enjoys it. Our mother then feels obligated to stop and visit her every time she comes into the palace. There was always a sort of - tension, shall we say - between our parents and Rong Wang Fei. I never actually understood why before, but I suppose now I do."
"You wouldn't know about - " Ji Xiang started, then stopped. "No, you probably wouldn't."
"About what?" Xuan Zhuang prompted.
"No, nothing, I shouldn't spread gossip," Ji Xiang said quietly, though she knew she wanted to talk to somebody about this. Her parents did not seem like such likely confidants on this subject.
Ying Zhong looked thoughtful. "Are you talking about Rong Wang Fei's son?"
Both Ji Xiang and Xuan Zhuang stared at Ying Zhong.
"She had a son?" Xuan Zhuang asked, astonished.
"You know about that?" Ji Xiang asked. "But you were only a child."
"Oh I didn't know then, obviously, I was only about two then," Ying Zhong said. "E'niang told me about it, some time last year. I don't remember what we were talking of but somehow it came up. Apparently Rong Wang Fei had a baby, right before they left the palace to go look for my father in Burma, before my uncle left the palace. But he was stillborn, right?"
"So you don't know why?" Ji Xiang asked carefully.
"Why what?"
"Why he was stillborn."
"There was a reason?" Ying Zhong asked, eyebrows knitted together.
"I should not tell you if you do not know," Ji Xiang said resolutely but she knew she had already said too much and if Ying Zhong wanted to figure it out, he probably could.
Ying Zhong gave Ji Xiang a knowing look. "You know, Ai Xiao jie, if I was inclined to bet about a lady, I would bet that what is bothering you right now is the fact that your father had a child with her."
"If it were our father, I'd be bothered as well, Brother," Xuan Zhuang sniffed.
"Yes, and that's because you are both looking at it from a woman's point of view."
Ji Xiang gave him a look of disdain. "Of course, being male, you would think there was nothing wrong with women and their feelings being used in such way, I'm sure."
Ying Zhong smiled. "That's not exactly what I meant."
"What did you mean?"
"I mean, you blame your father for having a child with a woman who is not your mother, correct?"
Ji Xiang gave a grudging nod.
"Have you ever looked at it from his point of view? I won't go into whether he wanted a child with Rong Wang Fei or not, because we can't judge that. However she was his wife, she is his wife, if you really think about it. What he wanted didn't matter, the truth was that they were married. There was more at stake than just your mother's feelings; not that I'm saying her feelings were not important. The point is, Rong Wang Fei came from a very respectable family, and no matter what the reason for it was, their marriage was very legitimate in everyone's eyes. Your father could not decently ignore her altogether. If fact, if he had, it would probably had done more damage to the dignity and reputation of all three of them, especially your mother's, regardless of how he might had been guarding her feelings. Can you argue with my logic so far?"
"Why should anyone care what goes on in his house? I mean, why should anyone have the right to pry into the going-ons in a man's house?"
Ying Zhong looked at her sympathetically. Even Xuan Zhuang looked amused at her questions. "A prince's marriage is not a private matter," Ying Zhong said matter-of-factly. "It's a matter of state. Look, I grew up seeing my parents' very loving marriage. I know my parents married for love, but I also know that the chance to marry for love is very rare in the court. The truth was that your father was a prince, Ai Xiao jie, with a lot of potential for the throne. Even without your uncle, sooner or later he would have to marry more than once. If it wasn't a Chen Xiao jie, it would have been a Zhao Xiao jie, a Huang Xiao jie or a Li Xiao jie. That's exactly one of the reasons he gave it all up for your mother, is it not, to spare her that?"
"I suppose," Ji Xiang said grudgingly. "I understand the logic fine, Fu Shao ye. But that does not mean I have to like the situation."
Ying Zhong smiled. "No, but it means you should cut your father a bit of slack. Don't be so hard on him. You may say I'm being biased, being male, but you cannot deny the marriage did take place, and I hope you are not so naïve as to not know that children are natural products of a marriage, regardless of the reason for the said marriage."
Ji Xiang nodded, pursing her lips together.
"You also cannot be insensible of the things he sacrificed out of love for your mother, which, if I might add, includes a very decent wife, in society's eyes, at least," Ying Zhong continued.
"No, I am very aware of what he gave up," Ji Xiang sighed. "I have to admit, I do realise I'm probably being a bit unfair, but honestly, it's not comfortable finding out that your father not only has another wife but also had a child with her."
"To be honest, if it were me, if it were my father, I would not be surprised," Xuan Zhuang said thoughtfully. "Devastated that it was my father, probably, but not surprised, that a man in that station had more than one wife."
"You would not be surprised?" Ji Xiang asked.
"No, but like my brother said, despite our parents' very loving marriage, I've seen enough of marriages to realise that in the society and in the class I grew up in, marriage are not very often based on love, and men often do have more than one wife, whether they want it or not, whether they like it or not. Most do, but that's not the point. When I marry, I would not be foolish enough to hope that my husband would marry just me, either. If he does, I'd be thrilled, but I would not kill myself over the fact that he would have concubines. I would be satisfied if my husband would love me half so well as my father does my mother."
It astounded Ji Xiang that a fifteen-year-old girl like Xuan Zhuang would be so casually accepting of an outlook on marriage that Ji Xiang thought was completely undesirable. However, it was this view that made Ji Xiang suddenly realise how great the difference was in their childhood environments. After all, as Xuan Zhuang said it herself, she grew up in a world where a marriage like that of her parents was extremely rare. This was totally different from Ji Xiang who had learnt to take it for granted that her parents loved each other. That was the way things should be, and it never occurred to Ji Xiang that anything had ever happened or would ever happen to lessen that happiness.
Ji Xiang suddenly realised quite forcefully that her life had been quite sheltered, in the peaceful, friendly and completely serene Dali and that it was that shelteredness that was precisely the reason she was having such a hard accepting the truth about her father's second marriage. To her, anyone might marry again, but not her Daddy. Now, she was forced to see that the situation was in reverse, that anyone might not have a second wife, but her father was expected to have many wives, just for the position he was born into.
This apprehension did nothing to put her mind and her heart at ease, as with that realisation, she came to see how unstable her emotions towards her father had been lately. First she had been hurt and angry that he had married someone else, but she had grudgingly accepted that, with no little disappointment, and only when she really thought about the fact it was her uncle's life at stake.
That he had a child with Zhi Hua had then felt like a worse betrayal and Ji Xiang wasn't sure she wanted to forgive her father for it. Yet Ying Zhong's words made her look at it in a different light, and she wondered why his words had such effects. He did not say anything so life-changing, nothing that was a shock to her, but it made her reconsider. Maybe it was because he was offering her another perspective on this situation which was entirely too emotionally confusing to her.
Then it made her consider what would happen if that baby - her brother, she realised with some pain - had been born, had lived, had survived. She, Ji Xiang, grew up seeing the love between her parents and their love for her. She had no doubt her father would love any of his children, regardless of how they were born, but how would such a child had grown up, knowing, despite whatever love he had from his father, his mother would never enjoy the same?
Would her father had left, if her brother had lived? She would hate to think that he would have. Then what would Ji Xiang's life have been like, if they had stayed in the palace? She could not even begin to imagine it.
It was all too confusing, that every single small action could lead to so many reactions that would shape so many people's lives, and one could never be sure which action would lead to the best. Could a single action lead to all the best results? Or did there have to be some grief and pain along the way for the good things to follow?