Disclaimer: Of course I don't own anything in the Who or Torchwood universe - I only wish I did. Nothing belongs to me, everything belongs to the creators. I just like to play around in the universe. :)
A very special thank you to Liv16 for being the greatest beta I could ever have hoped to meet and work with, who is a constant source of help, suggestion, and inspiration, and without whom I would be lost. Also, many sincere thanks to The Plaid Slytherin, who helped me to make the most of my first DW fan fiction story.
Author's Note: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy. Reviews very welcome!
...
"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break." - William Shakespeare
...
They sat side by side on the floor of the cold cell, both experiencing an odd combination of extreme stress and extreme boredom. Every once in a while, footsteps would come near and pause at the edge of the bars; struggle as they might to see what was looking back at them, they were terribly unsuccessful. Whomever or whatever was on the outside never spoke, never came in, never did anything - just waited, watching them. The room was pitch black and cold, and during those moments where the fear was incredible, terrifying and heightened, they would grab for the other and clasp hands, holding their breath as if to try and not give away their place in the dark.
"Shh... I heard something," she whispered, her voice raising an octave in fear.
He only reached for her hand once again, wrapping his fingers securely around hers and tried to offer her some sort of comfort, although any he'd felt for himself was sorely lacking.
"It'll be okay. He'll come for us." He tried to reassure himself as much as her. "She'll make sure of it."
He could feel her nod against his shoulder, too afraid to speak.
A pair of footsteps drew nearer, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
...
He hadn't come after her. Hadn't followed her.
Rose wasn't sure if she felt relieved or disquieted about that. She was worried, that much was for sure. The things she'd said, the things she'd meant behind what she'd said - they haunted her, even so soon after the fact. Immediately in fact, she had regretted it. From the moment she slammed the door and broke down on the bed, she'd realized what she'd done and what she'd said and had cried all the more for having been able to even say those things, much less mean half of them.
What kind of person was she? What kind of person told another person those horrible and tormenting things? She'd hurt the Doctor - deeply, and she knew it. It had been etched all over his face, and he'd not once raised his voice to her, or had given as good as she gave. He'd just stood there, hunched over the table, not looking at her, and had allowed her to say what she needed to say. Had acted to an extent like he even deserved to hear those things, which broke Rose's heart all the more. Why hadn't he fought back? Why hadn't he made her stop?
Sure, he'd tried to speak - to argue with her, but she hadn't let him interrupt her tirade. She had just lost it, too sad to think of his feelings, too angry to care, and she'd tried to hurt him as she hurt. It wasn't right, what she did. Wasn't right at all.
And she didn't have a clue as to how to fix it. Rose had never felt afraid of the Doctor, never uncomfortable or awkward. She'd always stuck to him like a magnet, relishing the feel of his presence near hers. But now, she felt terrified to face him. Afraid that what she'd said was so unforgivable that he'd have nothing to do with her now. Afraid that he wouldn't be able to forgive her. Afraid that at any minute, she would hear the engines of the TARDIS - that he would leave her once and for all, without saying goodbye.
What must he think of her now? Would he leave her?
The thought alone brought her to her feet and she rushed to the door, suddenly desperate to make things right, to apologize - he couldn't leave her. She needed him. She loved him.
Yanking the door open, Rose almost had a heart attack as she saw him on the other side.
He was sitting across from her door, leaning against the hallway that led to the living room, hands resting on his knees as he stared up at her, his eyes so intense she couldn't hold his gaze for more than a moment. She'd been wrong - he had come after her - had been waiting for her.
Rose stared at his trainers.
"Can we talk?" he asked, his voice rough and shaken.
Her eyes flew to his. He looked completely calm, and yet, the way he looked at her brought shivers up her spine.
Nodding timidly, she stepped back into her mum's room and watched as he stood up. Despite her efforts to be calm, her heart was racing in her chest. Following her into the room, he shut the door quietly behind him.
Neither of them spoke for a long while. The Doctor didn't turn away from the door and Rose refused to look at him.
"Rose, I..."
"Doctor, wha..." She blushed as they both spoke at the same time.
Turning around, the Doctor gave Rose a stressed look as he pushed his hand through his hair. He walked over to her and knelt down beside where she was sitting on the bed, his hands coming to rest on the blanket near her thigh. His eyes shone with self-condemnation as he met hers and she fought the urge to cover her ears before he even began.
"I know that things are...difficult right now, Rose, and I'm sorry... more sorry than you can ever know." It was unlike him to stumble over his words. "I know that losing your mum and Mickey like that - so quickly -"
Rose turned away from him. Feeling the warmth of his hand against her cheek, a gentle caress, she turned into it slightly, before the feeling left her. Her eyes widened in fear as she realized his hands were still on the comforter - he hadn't just been touching her. Confused, she lifted a hand to her cheek, trying to discern what she'd just felt.
He cleared his throat and reached for her hands, pulling it down from her cheek and forcing her to look at him. His hands were shaking, cold and clammy, very unlike the hand she's just felt against her cheek.
"I'm sorry that this is hard for you to understand, being with me and the TARDIS, but they are gone, Rose. Their time came and they lived and it was brilliant. But there is nothing I can do to change the fact that their time has passed."
She swallowed thickly before whispering, "But the TARDIS is a time machine."
He looked at her with such sorrow. "I know, and I'm sorry that it makes this so much harder for you to accept. But it doesn't change anything. The time machine doesn't stop real time from happening, it simply doesn't exist at the time when it occurred. Whether we go back at a different time or not, it doesn't change the fact that real time happened. And in that real time, your mum and Mickey were killed."
Mournfully she asked, her voice bleak and desolate. "You really won't go back and save my mum and Mickey?"
The Doctor shook his head slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. "I'm sorry, Rose, but no. I can't. There are rules." He was cruelly firm and Rose couldn't accept it.
She jumped up, then, furiously pushing his hands away from hers. "Rules! What rules? What do I care about the rules! This is my family, we're talking about! Why are you bringing up rules?"
"Rose..."
"NO! Why do you get to make the rules? Who gave your people the right to make 'em up for the entire universe? Why do they even matter to you, Doctor?" He opened his mouth, but she ranted on, ruthlessly.
"Your people are gone! Your planet is gone!"
The Doctor stood, looking at her sharply, and still she continued. "You destroyed them to protect the universe. They were going to destroy everyone and you stopped them. You told me! You did it for us, to save us." Her voice broke, and she softly managed, "If you can save the universe, why can't you save mine?"
He took in a long breath and let it out, before answering her. When he did, his voice was flat and careful.
"Rose, you don't know what you are talking about - you don't understand what you are asking me to do." She could tell he was getting angry. She was bringing up things she should never bring up, speaking of things she had no business to speak of. But she needed to say them - they needed to be said.
"Yes, I do. I need them, don't you see? More than anything, I need her. She's all I've got! My whole family - she's everything to me."
"I understand how you feel, Rose, but..." He was trying to remain calm, trying to remain unaffected. It made her want to slap him, to make him see reason.
Harshly, she yelled, "How could you? You say you understand - but how could you? If you did, you'd understand. You would fix this. It's what you do - it's why you're the Doctor. You fix things. You can't possibly know how I feel right now because if you did... if you knew how this..."
She couldn't stop the cruel things that came out of her mouth. Horrible things that she'd never even thought before - but they were all too clear as she screamed them at the Doctor.
"How could you even remember how it feels - you lost your family hundreds of years ago! You've had time! You've had more time because you're a Time Lord! Your people live for freakin' ever! Human life is short. Don't you ever tell me you understand how I feel."
"But facing death is part of being human. You can't change that." His words were short, clipped, and cold, as he stood in front of her, meeting her glare for glare.
Rose gaped.
"Don't you talk to me about being human! You aren't human no matter how much you want to be - how much you pretend to be - and you never will be, so don't even presume you know what it's like."
He sucked in a huge breath and took a step back from her, eyes wide as he stared at her as if she'd slapped him 'across the face. She'd finally gotten through to him - had hurt him again with the sting of her words. He wouldn't look at her with cold distancing again - no, he was letting all the hurt and grief pour out of his soul and onto her.
Stepping away, she cried out horrified, falling to her knees as she clutched at her chest, the anger and guilt finally consuming her. Feeling bowed down by the all too heavy emotional weight, she cried, "I feel like I'm breaking in two - like there's nothing left of me to even be!"
She was crying too hard now to speak and he was gulping in such huge breaths of air - it was all either of them could do to stay in the same room together. Pain and hurt and anger - the air was so thick with it. Rose felt like it had gotten inside her head, inside her mouth - she could taste it...touch it...
She felt the pain in her heart as well - it was crushing her. The knowledge that she'd said such horrible and awful things to him crawled into her soul and pulled, splitting it apart. She was mortified, and it was too late to take the words back. He'd heard and felt every horrible thing she'd screamed at him and she didn't even know how to begin to apologize. She could almost see the waves of panic, hurt, and resentment erupting from him.
Gulping and wiping her nose on her sleeve, she looked at him suddenly. He was deathly still, shaking with barely suppressed rage.
She had said too much. Again.
"Doctor, I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"Don't." He couldn't look at her, his voice hard.
"I'm sorry."
"I need...I just... Rose, I need to be away from you..." Breathing roughly, he turned on the spot and walked out, leaving the door open in his wake.
She'd gone too far. She knew it. She'd delved into her pain and pushed it onto him and - Oh, God - the things she had said. How could she have gone so far? How could she have said such things to him again?
She ran after him, trying to catch up with him before the TARDIS changed its halls and she got lost. He was on the deck, leaning against the console struggling to control his breathing. His face was contorted in agony and his hand was yanking at his tie - trying to loosen it from his neck.
Tears ran down her face as she ran up behind him, needing him to turn around and look at her like he used to. With love and compassion and understanding. She couldn't bear it if he turned to her with cold, hate-filled eyes.
The Doctor spun around before she could reach him and before she knew it, he was standing over her, eyes wild and desperate, grabbing hold of her as he shook her. His fingers pressed punishingly against her pale skin, and she couldn't help but let out a small gasp of fright as they sunk into her muscle, as if trying to reach for her bones.
"How could you think I wouldn't want to...That I wouldn't go back if I could?" He asked, furiously. "Why can't you understand?"
Rose whimpered in pain and fear as his fingers now clawed into her skin.
Realising how roughly he was holding her, he looked at himself with a mixture of horror and disgust before dropping his arms quickly, as he moved away from her, leaving Rose feeling cold and empty.
Rose took a step back from him, watching him warily. She'd never seen him like this before. It was unnerving and utterly terrifying.
Running a hand through his hair, he turned to her once again, his eyes deep and endless and suffering, as he pushed through all of his grief and heartache to focus on his anger. "Don't you think I would bring them back if I could? That I would save my people if I could? That I wouldn't give up both of my hearts if it were possible?" His voice cracked and broke and instead of completely breaking down and giving in to the hurt, he forcibly stomped around the control panel, hitting buttons furiously and pulling levels with reckless derangement.
"But I can't, because of the rules that are set. I can't!" he yelled angrily, perilously. "If I go back and save them, then everything changes. The universe as we know it wouldn't exist - you, Rose - may not exist! And it might not be for the better! Did you ever think about that?"
She took another wary step back, away from him. His movements were fluid and controlled, and yet furious and aggressive. She'd never seen him so upset. She knew she'd caused him to act this way, but right now - he terrified her more than anything ever had before.
"I could so easily make everything worse - horrible, in fact! Sometimes, it's not a matter of if someones too small or unimportant that they don't matter - everyone matters. You think Jackie doesn't matter? Or Mickey? Well, they do matter! I keep telling you over and over, how incredible you are, how special each of you are - why does no one ever believe me? We all individually have a time and a place, and it all fits together like a puzzle."
"I do believe you. I'm sorry." Rose stuttered.
"I said don't, Rose." he thundered. "You had your say, and now it's time for me to have mine!"
Rose's heart thudded against her chest.
"I am over 900 years old. Can your mind even wrap around the concept of that? Think about it - 900 years. I've seen more than you can imagine, more than you can dream of, more than you can understand. You think I don't understand what you are asking me to do? Why you are asking me to do it?"
He lowered his voice, more calmly now. "I understand your need for me to go back and save them more than you can know. But you don't seem to understand what might happen if I do."
"I do understand," Rose whispered.
The Doctor looked at her suddenly, curious, horrified, and lost all at once.
Rose walked closer to him, feeling less afraid. "I do understand. And I'm sorry. I really am, Doctor. I'm sorry."
He tilted his head as he studied her, his face still twitching with anger, but forcing himself to be sympathetic - for her.
"I don't know why I said the things I said. I was... upset, I guess. No reason really, other than that." Rose shrugged helplessly. "You were there, and you wouldn't help me, and..."
A single tear fell down her cheek. "I miss her. I don't have anyone left, now."
"I know." He finally replied, quietly. "I'm alone, too. It's not something you ever need to remind me of, Rose." He was still angry, but less so with her apology. He understood grief all too well, to not forgive her.
She felt like she was sinking as everything was finally clicking in her head. Her knees grew weak and she sunk to the floor. Everything was going a bit grey and fuzzy and she laid her head down between her knees. He didn't crawl down to her and comfort her like she wished he would and he would have done before all of this - but he did continue to talk to her.
His voice had gone soft now, much more gently, as he explained to Rose, "Do you remember what I told you when we first met? About the Earth revolving? How I can feel it turning. That's who I am, Rose. I'm not human. I'm a Time Lord - the last of the Time Lords. My people created these rules to keep the universe from collapsing in on itself. So that tomorrow would simply exist! That's why I have to abide by the rules set out by my people."
Rose lifted her head and stared at him as he sunk down in front of her, lifting his hands between the two of them as he frowned down at them.
"I hold the power of gods at my fingertips, and if I start acting the part, the universe could fall into nothing. I don't have the luxury of making exceptions. I don't have anyone else to turn to when I have a problem. I am alone in this, and I am the sole judge of my own actions."
Her breath hitched. The Doctor turned his gaze to her, regarding her seriously, and held her hands tightly.
"My planet's gone. My people are gone - all turned to rocks and dust. It's just me, Rose, and I have to do the best I can, with the time I've got. And I'm sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know, about the decisions I'm forced to live with. Because I know it hurts you. And that kills me, Rose - hurting you. But I can't change time and bring people back to life. I would, if I could. For you, I'd..."
He looked away as he trailed off, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. Taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders, he focused on her once again. "Rose, I would take you home to Jackie right now if I could, but I'm sorry - it was her time. And Mickey, too.
There's nobody to go back to."
The Doctors shoulders drooped, and for the first time, he looked all 900 years to Rose.
Rose trembled under the Doctor, his words finally reaching her heart. They were dead - her mum, and Mickey, and she wasn't going to see them again.
Leaning forward, she reached for the Doctor, and as he allowed her to pull him into her embrace, she finally let go and wept.
The Doctor held her tightly, and she felt him tremble above her. Mourning together, they both wept for the loss of their loved ones, for the loneliness they each had to live with, and the fact that there was nothing either of them could do to make it better.
Sometimes, like today, the universe was a cruel and unfair existence.
...
He had gently pulled her up after a long while of just sitting on the floor holding each other, and led her to her bedroom. She was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and felt like she'd been awoken from a deep sleep. Everything was hazy and unfocused, and her eyes were blurry. The hand that led her felt warm, however, and she unconsciously squeezed tighter as if to hold on to him to keep him close. There was an invisible line between the two of them now, a gap that wasn't there before. It made Rose feel wary and uncomfortable and she wasn't sure how to fix it.
Laying her down, he reached for the covers and tucked them up under her chin. He leaned over her and tenderly brushed one of her stray pieces of hair from her forehead, and gave her a sad smile. She tried to smile back, but her face crumbled slightly at the thought of how much she'd hurt him. He gazed at her for a long moment, simply stroking her hair, before standing up. As he turned to leave, her hand caught his and she pulled timidly.
"Please stay." Her voice was soft, but firm. She didn't know what she could say to him, but she knew that she needed to feel him close to her.
The Doctor turned back to her, his eyes dark and unreadable. Things weren't back to normal between the two of them, yet, and there was still a lot of pain and resentment in his expression, but they had begun to heal. She needed him close, now, though. To feel him, tangibly. To know that he was going to forgive her in the end - that he wasn't going to drift further apart from her. So that he would know she wasn't going anywhere either.
"Please?" she begged softly. He reluctantly nodded.
Rose groggily scooted over to make room for him. The bed creaked as he sat on the edge, untying his Converses and pulling them off. Shrugging out of his suit jacket, he threw it over the arm chair across the room. Rose watched, intrigued, as he got ready for bed. This was a side of the Doctor that she hadn't been privileged with seeing before, and she found the humanness of his actions utterly fascinating.
Next came his tie and it landed atop the jacket, before sliding to the floor. He unbuttoned the first few buttons of this dress shirt, untucked it from his trousers, and proceeded to roll up his sleeves to his forearm before leaning back, sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard of Rose's bed.
"I'm sorry," she whispered in the dark. "Please forgive me."
Tugging at her lightly, he pulled her into his arms. Relieved, she took him up on the offer, wrapping her arms comfortably around his waist and laying her head down on his chest.
"We'll be okay, Rose," was the only thing he would say. And Rose snuggled against him tightly and sighed, relishing in the comfort he was now offering. The fact that he seemed willing to try and rebuild their relationship for the future was enough for her. His fingers lightly brushed through her hair, playing with the ends before running his fingers through the strands again, before he settled his own chin against her head. Rose found that very soothing, and it wasn't long before she was able to fall into a deep sleep.
...
Ens rationis; ergo sum cogito...
There was Light. The brightest colours all at once, white and blinding, shone from everything in existence.
Ens rationis; ergo sum cogito... The words repeated, over and over in Rose's mind, and yet, it wasn't a conscious thought. It was innate, from her. Not of this world, and not from this world, but through and through her, from the pits of her soul to the physical touch of her fingers; the light was everywhere, surrounding her, enveloping her.
Everything that ever was, everything that ever could be - she could see it all. She could see the end of worlds and the beginning of life. She could watch wars and experience death; could see the beginning of the universe, could see shapes take place from the nothingness of space - everything there was to experience in time and space - and it was in her, a part of her.
More than that, even. It was her.
More so with every passing moment. The light was so bright, so great, so powerful. Overwhelming, in fact. Rose felt lost - she was losing herself in all of the wonders, all of the sheer magnificence of it all.
The heat was volcanic, exploding bit by bit into her mind, from her mind. It was everywhere and uncontrollable. She was losing herself, drowning, burning, dying. She was being born and she wasn't in existence. It was too much, too fast, too furious.
It was all she could do to cling, to reach forward and grasp the arms of the person who could make it better. Those arms that would wrap her up and keep her safe, keep her grounded, keep her sane.
Blindly and desperately, she reached for those arms - reached for her Doctor.
"Doctor!" she screamed.
But the illumination was so bright, so hot, and she couldn't see to find him. Couldn't feel him or grasp for him.
The agony lit in her like a flame, and she was shrieking in horror, crying out his name, screaming for help, 'Doctor! Doctor!"
He wasn't there, he wasn't reachable. Her screams echoed into the hallows of the universe, the knowledge of the power she held in her mind - the light was too much, it was killing her.
Her head hurt, it burned.
"Doctor!" she cried into nothingness, her worst fear making itself known. "DOCTOR!"
The luminescence flashed and then pulsed, growing, and growing...
...
"Wake up, Rose. Wake up, now." The Doctor was shaking her roughly. "That's it - open your eyes. I'm here, you're safe. I've got you."
Rose's throat burned; it felt raw. She whimpered as his arms wrapped around her, the memories of the dream still haunting her, still making her want to scream and cry and be physically sick. Clamping her arms around him, she buried her head into his chest, sobbing softly. Trying to concentrate on the gentle sensations his fingers on her neck produced, she worked to control her trembling.
He was silent as he held her, doing his best to relax her, with repetitious movements of his caresses against her upper back, shoulders, and neck.
"Tell me about the dream," he spoke into her hair.
"It was so much, Doctor," she wept. "There was this light and it was everywhere and I could see everything!"
"Shh, Rose." He murmured quietly. "It was just a dream. You're safe now."
She sobbed. "It felt so real, so tangible."
"Most nightmares do." His voice was soft, patient and understanding - as he always was.
"But I don't hav' nightmares, Doctor. Haven't had any since I was a kid. Not any that I remember, anyway."
"Well, anyone can have nightmares - it's not something you really outgrow." The Doctor let out a long sigh.
"What? Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Have nightmares?"
He nodded, once. "Nightmares usually present themselves when one is emotionally or physically stressed by something. You've more than enough reason to have nightmares right now."
She found herself nodding, miserably.
"You saw a light?" He asked, and she could almost hear the frown on his face.
"Yeah - it was everywhere. And hot. It felt like I was bein' burned up or somethin'."
"Were you standing on a sun or type of supernova?" The Doctor asked, curiously.
"No, not exactly. At least, I don't think so. No, it was in me, or on me. The light, that is. And you were there."
"I was?" His voice had lost the curious nature to it, and he seemed a lot more serious all of a sudden.
"I couldn't reach you - I tried to call you, but you slipped away."
"Probably went to go find my sunglasses."
Rose grinned. "Oh, shut it, you."
"It's not my fault you didn't bring a pair of your own to put on!" He protested, his voice lightening considerably.
"I'll try to remember the next time I am stuck in a nightmare to grab my shades first."
"That's a girl." He pulled her back, so that they both could lay side by side again, facing each other. She reached out and grabbed his hand, not ready to lose all contact with him yet.
"Doctor?" She asked timidly.
"Yes, Rose?"
""I want to take care of the funeral home tomorrow."
"I'll get us there in the morning, then." The Doctor replied, softly. "For now, why don't you just sleep. I think you need it."
Rose chuckled sleepily. "Doctor's orders?"
She could hear the amusement in his reply. "Doctor's orders."
"Nighty night, Rose." He murmured. She closed her eyes as his lips raised, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. Moving her own lips up, she brushed her own against his in a quick peck before settling down into the covers and moving closely to him once more.
...
As tired as she was, when she had drifted off to sleep, she hadn't gotten much sleep. Tossing and turning, with the added bonus of a horrific nightmare, that still made her tremble when she thought back on it, had left Rose not only wide awake, but feeling restless.
Finishing her shower, she pulled on some clean jeans and her favorite pink hoodie before toeing into her shoes. Grabbing her worn leather bag, she went to find the Doctor. It was time.
Finding him was easy - he was on the deck as usual - his legs propped up as he studied one of his leather journals again. He glanced up, hearing her footsteps against the metal grate. She waved hello rather than voiced it.
Setting down his book, he waved back at her, obviously taking note of her fresh appearance and determined expression. Hopping from the bench, he strolled towards her in a few long strides, and reached behind her as he grabbed his long brown coat from where it had been resting on the TARDIS.
She looked at him. "We're here already?" Her voice shook.
Nodding as he pulled his arm into the sleeve he said, "I thought it would be better if we were already here when the time came. I've already double checked the time and date - made sure everything was correct. We've only been gone for a little over a day since..." He trailed off.
She nodded. He didn't have to say any more. She knew what he was referring to.
Gathering her courage, she faced the doors leading to the outside world, and paused, dragging in long breath. She almost turned away from it, changing her mind, as terror filled her.
And then his hand was grasping hers tightly, anchoring her down - reminding her that she didn't have to do it by herself.
Glancing at him, she softened as she saw him waiting patiently for her. Not pushing her or rushing her. Letting her know that it was completely up to her, and that he would wait for her to be ready. Looking at him revitalized her confidence, and before she gave another thought to the doubt and fear clouding her mind, she squared her shoulders and quickly pushed open the door, walking outside.
It was bright - cheerfully bright, in fact. Rose squinted against the harsh glare to try and take in her surroundings.
The TARDIS had landed in the parking lot of the funeral home, it seemed. Steeling herself, Rose clung to the Doctor as they walked hand in hand towards the massive building. It was an attractive building and not at all depressing and gloomy, as Rose thought it should have been. That, combined with the cheerfulness of the sunny day, set Rose in a foul mood from the get-go. For some reason, she really felt that the weather should portray how she felt, and she was a bit miffed at it's audacity.
Stepping inside as the Doctor held open the door for her, Rose was a little taken back by how...sterile it felt. The building itself seemed unaffected, unemotional, and standoffish. It was quite off-putting and if the Doctor hadn't kept a firm hand on the curve of her back, she wasn't sure she could stay there for more than a moment, as it felt torturous. This was one of the reasons she avoided hospitals at all costs. Hospitals were supposed to be a place of healing and warmth, and all she ever felt there was a cold, sterile, hollowness. She'd only had to visit a hospital a few times, and it had long been decided that those times were a few too many already.
Rose supposed, with as much death as the building had seen, maybe it was for the best that it didn't feel warm and inviting. She couldn't imagine wanting to come here ever again.
There were potted floral arrangements and elegant armchairs, positioned in groups of four facing each other. Between every two chairs was a table, with a box of tissues and a Bible. Rose would never say that it felt inviting, but there was a sense of elegance to the design.
The Doctor steered her towards the front desk, and it wasn't long before Rose found herself hand in hand with the handsomely dressed, older gentleman with a slightly balding head and a heavy-set physique, who was giving her his warmest condolences.
"Oh..." Rose stammered. "Thank you."
Her eyes fell to the floor and she felt an arm reach around her, squeezing tightly, before she was gently led to an office. She felt very strange, not dizzy per-say, but definitely not clear. Her thoughts were muddled and she was having great difficulty, focusing on any one thing the older gentleman was saying. He was talking, and she would find herself studying the carpet - trying to see if she could spot a piece of lint, or noticing how smooth the leather was on the binder he had given her, containing all of the different paperwork they were going through.
The day seemed very long once she and the Doctor were inside. In reality, they weren't there for more than a few hours, but by the end of finalizing all of the funeral details for both her Mum and Mickey, Rose felt completely drained, as if she'd recovered from the flu only to come down with pneumonia - and then had to run a marathon.
She should have expected that along with formalizing her mother's ceremony, she also would be providing Mickey's. And yet, it surprised her and once again when his burial information was put in front of her and all at once she felt caught off guard and insecure. All over again, she was experiencing the shock and horror of finding out that they'd been killed. She couldn't help but wonder when she would stop being surprised by their deaths. Every time she thought about it, it felt so new and so raw - she experienced it over and over again, and it never really pitted to the bottom of her stomach, rather, stayed churning, over and over again until she felt sick from the fresh agony of it all.
Rose decided in the end, that a joint funeral would be preferable. They were both family, after all, and it wasn't like Mickey had anyone else either. Besides, she wasn't convinced that once she made it through one, that she'd ever be ready to begin the next. No, better to get them both done together - and then be done with it.
Rose sniffled and wiped her eyes. It was unfair that the two people most important to her in the world, didn't have anyone other than her as family. She felt guiltier with each passing moment,as she struggled not to think of how she'd up and abandoned both her Mum and Mickey for adventures with the Doctor. Feeling guiltier still, she worried if every decision she made in regards to their funeral was one that they would even actually want. It was beyond stressful, trying to think of music that fit each person, and figuring out what to say on the graves. It was one time, and forever, and she was making their last decisions, and it tugged relentlessly at her heart that she was the one having to make these choices.
Her grandparents had died when Rose was just a baby - she never even knew them, and Mickey's gran - all that he had left - had died a few years ago, leaving him nowhere to go but to Jackie. Not that she minded any - she'd thought of him as a son for long enough. Luckily, for both of them, they had a unique relationship with each other and lived well together.
There would be separate burials, in the end, Rose decided. She felt that Mickey deserved to be buried near his Gran - he would have liked that. It felt... right, for him.
And Mum would be buried next to Dad. She had purchased their side-by-side plots years ago, after Dad had been killed, and so that decision had been made easy.
Finally, standing up and shaking hands once more with the gentleman in the suit, Rose was relieved that the worst of it was over. It was done, and she didn't have to ever go back and redo this day. Once in a lifetime, was one too many times already.
Weakly, she leaned against the Doctor as he led her back to the TARDIS. He was quiet, somber even. He seemed to know that she needed it quiet around her, as she was battling an internal war within herself. Insecurities that she thought were gone and buried were pushing their way to the front of her mind, and she felt helpless to ward them off. Giving in, she slumped against him, feeling so close to tears that she could barely concentrate on trying to decide if she'd made the right decisions or not.
She had leaned heavily on him all day - turning to him whenever something confused her, asking him for an explanation, or when she simply needed a moment's comfort, which he had more than provided for her by giving her a warm hug, or squeezing her hand gently. He'd remained very affectionate towards her, seeming to understand her constant need to feel his presence.
The Doctor answered questions when she wasn't able to, and had been overwhelmingly patient with her when she was making the decisions that had to be made - letting her take the time she needed to answer the difficult questions asked of her - even going so far as to escort the kind gentlemen outside for a few moments when she was overcome with emotions by the difficulty of the decisions. Twice, that had happened, and she'd been ever so grateful as he calmly waited by the door, giving her the moment she needed to compose herself to continue. He'd been so understanding about her tears, never berating her about them, or shying away from them. A few times, he'd even grabbed the handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her cheeks for her.
She was ever so grateful to him, glad that she didn't have to go through it all alone. She couldn't even imagine what that might have been like.
Luckily, her Mum had made a few smart decisions when it came to her minimal funds, and there was more than enough to cover both funerals and further costs. For this, Rose felt relieved. Going through it was hard enough - she was grateful that the money was one thing she didn't have to worry about.
The flowers had been easy as well. Her mother had always loved roses - hence Rose's name. Pink and yellow were her favorites, and Rose felt they were appropriate. Her mother would've wanted the little bit of light happiness in the midst of all the gloom. Rose's spirit lifted slightly as she thought of the numerous times her Mum had cracked a joke, in the most inappropriate moments... she just had that way about her. Maybe she came across a bit simple at times, to others, but Rose knew it was just her way of making light of a more serious situation.
She'd chosen white roses for Mickey - deciding that the elegance of them was suiting for her best friend. Simple and constant, beautiful and yet easygoing - they were meaningful to her, and she thought they fit properly.
"I'll go and put on some tea," the Doctor pulled her out of her thoughts, as he asked, more than stated this to her, as he rubbed her back soothingly.
"Yeah, that sounds good," she replied, taking a step back from him to allow him to open the TARDIS and walk inside.
He clamored inside, pulling off his coat and throwing it against the TARDIS walkway as he walked towards the galley. Finding nothing better to do to occupy herself for a few moments, Rose reluctantly followed him, shuffling her feet to give herself a little time alone to try and make order within herself. It was of no use. She couldn't form a single coherent thought and being able to focus was simply an overwhelming task that yet again, she wasn't ready to deal with, yet.
Pushing aside her annoyance at that, she pulled a chair out from the table and plopped down in it, pulling her elbows up in front of her and dropped her face in her hands.
"I don't know what I'm doin'," she groaned to him. "I can't make sense of this."
"Sugar?" he asked.
"Yeah, okay." Rose replied into her palms.
"If it makes you feel better, there isn't a 'right way to do this,'" he told her as he stirred her mug with a spoon. "You're doing fine."
"I feel like I'm completely muckin' things up, though," she moaned.
"What things?" He questioned her. "You took care of everything today. You made all of the decisions that needed deciding. I think you handled yourself brilliantly, despite the circumstances."
The Doctor set the steaming mug down in front of her and sat across from her, drawing a long sip from his own cup. His shoulders stooped as he studied her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, full of caring and ease and exuding comfort.
"About what?" She questioned, finally glancing up at him.
"About... anything?" He was vague, but his eyes were serious.
"There's nothing to talk about." She said, tonelessly. "They died. I've arranged the funeral. It's all set - it's tomorrow. We'll go."
He nodded slowly.
"You'll go with me?" She asked, suddenly unsure.
"Of course I will." He didn't hesitate.
She felt something inside her relax - Rose hadn't even realized that his presence at the funeral was something she was even concerned about. He'd been there for her today, hadn't he? Held her hand all day long? Gotten her through the worst of it? Rose honestly didn't know why she was suddenly insecure that he might not be there for her. She'd never doubted him before, but now, she was finding herself needing more confirmation from him that usual.
She was surprised at what she was feeling anxious about these days, too. It wasn't like her to worry about small things - she was always so gung-ho about decisions... Rose felt like she was starting to lose grasp of who she was, of who she knew herself to be.
It was very disconcerting, and felt enormously stressful. But then again, so did mostly everything at the moment.
A thought suddenly occurred to her, "Have you ever done this before?"
"What?"
"Funerals... dealin' with... all this." She felt inarticulate.
He was quite a long time before replying, "No."
"No?" She didn't know why she was surprised.
"I never got the chance to... There was never any time..." He pulled at his hair as he struggled. "Because of the Time Lock..."
"I understand."
His hands dropped back to his mug. "I haven't really stayed in one place long enough to get close to people - it's part of why I don't - I don't like dealing with... I'm not good at..." He trailed off.
She covered his hand with her own and squeezed gently.
"I know." She said. "I don't know why I asked."
"It's alright to ask."
She looked at him seriously. "It's alright not to answer."
Taking a moment to simply look at each other, they didn't talk further, because it was unnecessary. They both know what the other was feeling and thinking.
"Thank you for today," she said softly, picking at her fingernail.
He grimaced. "You don't need to thank me."
"But I want to. It meant a lot to me to have you there. That you were there." She took a sip of her tea. "I couldn't have made it through if I'd had to do it alone."
The Doctor swallowed, making his Adam's apple move in a way that made him look oddly vulnerable. Opening his mouth as if to speak, he then stopped and simply stood up and made his way over to her.
Following his every move closely, she felt her breath quicken as he knelt beside her and cradled her cheek against the palm of his hand.
"Naw...you would've been fine." He leaned forward and kissed her on her forehead and she sighed.
"Thank you anyway."
He smiled sweetly as he stood up and walked back towards the sink. "Anytime."
Rose watched as he leaned in towards the sink, washing out his mug, his fingers moving quickly over the ceramic as he gently gave it his full attention. She still felt the warmth from his lips on her forehead. Very tentatively, she reached up and touched the place where his lips had left her, and smiled.
Overcome with a great need to be close to him, to fill in the gap that had been there the previous day, she stood and her body moved towards him before a single thought entered her mind. She suddenly needed to feel him - all of him - needed to touch him and have him hold her close. It was quite sudden and very powerful, this feeling.
Quickly making her way to him, she paused only for a moment, to try and decide if she should touch him or not. Her need was too great, though. She needed him to make her feel, to take away this burning emptiness she suddenly found herself in - needed him to take the pain away, even for a second.
Timidly, unsure if he would even allow her to touch him like this, she slowly wrapped her arms around his chest, pulling herself as tightly against his back as she could. Desperate to feel him against her, she was unable to stop herself. Rose held her breath as she waited for him to push her away - waited for him to distance himself from her... But he didn't.
His hands covered hers, still a bit damp, as he relaxed against her embrace. Rose couldn't quite believe he was letting her get this close, and was so thankful for it. She tugged at him harder, closing her eyes and let her head fall against his shoulders, as she willed the tension to leave her body.
She needed more - she was becoming desperate.
The Doctor sighed softly before pulling her hands away from his body. Rose almost cried out, but before she managed, he had turned around to face her, pulling her full against his body - his strong arms securing her tightly. She struggled with the tightness she felt in her chest as she pulled herself even further into his embrace. He seemed to understand what she needed more than she did, because before long, he was rubbing small circles against her back and whispering into her neck words of encouragement and support.
She felt weak against his strong hold. So weak, in fact, that she was humbled by the sheer force of power she felt radiating from him. So quickly she forgot what a God-like force he was to be reckoned with, and for him - this incredibly powerful being - to hold and support her...
She was nothing. She knew that. Here was this legend, this giant - here was the man who humbled her again and again. Forever impressed by his ability to focus on a problem and fix it, always in awe of his ability to keep an educated head. For him to hold her this tightly, like he needed her as desperately as she needed him - it was too much.
Rose sighed against him as she listened to his steady breathing. His lips were in her hair, and she trembled.
Very slowly the mood seemed to change - she was becoming achingly aware of his body pressed against her and swallowed nervously as he continued to hold her. Rose couldn't quite believe he was holding her quite this long, with so much feeling. She felt it in waves, his comfort, his trepidation, his...distraction.
Wait. His distraction? Rose pulled away quickly. Where had that come from?
He looked at her confusedly, letting his arms drop lightly to his sides.
"Rose?" His eyes were wide.
"I...I'm sorry." She stammered.
"What? Why?" He asked carefully.
"I don't know what's wrong with me!" She cried. "I'm just all over the place. One minute I'm fine and the next, I feel like I'm drowning and can't breathe - and then I'm hugging you and you feel so good..."
The Doctor looked flabbergasted.
"I felt you...in my head." Rose frowned.
"You what?" He asked, like he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"I felt you comfort me."
"Well, yeah...I was holding you in my arms." The Doctor was now looking at her with unconcealed concern.
"No. Yes. I mean, not like that." Rose desperately tried to explain it. "I felt your comfort; coming to me in waves. I felt how concerned you felt for me, how nervous you felt about letting me get that close to you... and..."
"And?" He asked, darkly.
"And... other things." Rose shied away from his steady gaze.
The Doctor simply stared at her, as if she'd grown another head. Rubbing his hands together decisively, he grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and started ushering her out of the kitchen.
"You're just tired, you are. Rightly so, in fact - look at the time. Been a long day, it has."
"There's no clock to look at, Doctor." Rose said a bit scornfully, as she glanced around the room.
"Good thing you've got a handy Time Lord at your service," he said with a wink. "Now, off to bed with you. You're overtired, and so am I, and we both just need some sleep."
Rose fidgeted to a stop, not budging another inch as she looked at her shoes.
He was already heading out the door, but he stopped as soon as the words left her mouth. "Doctor, I'm scared."
The TARDIS hummed quietly, steadily.
"I know," was all he said. "But I'm right here."
"Are you?" She asked, feeling brave.
He turned towards her once more, giving her an unreadable expression. Then, he slowly turned away from her and walked away, into the shadows of the TARDIS.
Rose followed, turning left and walking down the long narrow hallway. Her bedroom seemed farther than usual, and by the time she entered, she felt completely exhausted. She kicked off her shoes and yanked off her jeans, not even bothering to undress further and slipped into bed. Mind reeling, she fell asleep remembering fondly his body pressed up against hers, and the safety she felt in his arms.
Pushing aside all negative thoughts, all bad thoughts, and all nightmares, for the first time in a long while, Rose fell asleep feeling content and at peace.
...
"You leave him alone, you bastard!" She screamed, clutching at the bars in desperation. "Don't you touch a hair on his head!"
"Or you'll do what?" He sneered.
"Oh, you don't wanna know what I'm capable of, Mister."
He laughed, cruelly. Another cry of agony made it's way across the cell, and she was terrified for him.
"He'll come, you know." She put on a brave front.
"Who will come?" He sneered.
"The Doctor. He'll come and save us. Him, and my..."
"Your what?"
"My Rose."
...