Chapter 9: Love Bears All Things, Endures All Things
Zhi Hua was honestly surprised to hear Zi Wei's invitation to stay for lunch, though she knew Zi Wei was just being polite. It was rather obvious that none of them really wanted her to stay and Zhi Hua was not looking forward to a meal with Xiao Yan Zi either. She knew she didn't have to stay, but how could she not stay? How could she give up a chance just to be around Yong Qi for longer? She had to stay, to let Yong Qi know that he still could come back to her, that it wasn't too late, no matter how he might think it was. She had to show him what he'd given up all these years.
She would meet the girl - the child - Yong Qi's child, not with Zhi Hua, but with that other woman. Why was she putting herself through this? What would meeting the girl achieve, other than deepening her pains? She would only be a reminder of what Zhi Hua had lost. She was the painful proof of his preference of his preference for Xiao Yan Zi over her, so why did she have to voluntarily go through that pain? What ever the reason was, the truth was, meeting her was a huge reason for Zhi Hua to accept the invitation. The brief glimpse at the girl in the garden had not satisfied Zhi Hua's curiosity about her. Well, curiosity would probably end up killing the cat, but Zhi Hua could not resist. How would such a child be like, with Yong Qi for a father and someone like Xiao Yan Zi for a mother? No doubt the girl would be hopelessly neglected at the hands of Xiao Yan Zi; Zhi Hua almost felt sorry for the girl for having such a mother.
She came into lunch with the Fu children. Apparently none of the five of them expected that Zhi Hua would be there for lunch as they all stopped at the door with varying degrees of surprise on their faces. Fu Ying Zhong recovered first and greeted her politely, and his brothers and sister added their greetings to his. They were used to her sporadic visits and thus were probably only surprised that she had bothered to stay for a meal, something she had never done before. She had never been able to stomach the insufferable cheerfulness and happiness that always surrounded the Fu family when they were all together. Zhi Hua acknowledged their greetings, but kept her eyes on Ji Xiang.
The girl only dropped a curtsy then looked at her parents, apparently completely at loss at how to address Zhi Hua. Zhi Hua allowed herself a certain satisfaction; if she had been her daughter, she would know how to greet strangers properly, even if that said stranger had a rather interesting relationship to the rest of her family. To Zhi Hua, Ji Xiang's confusion was enough proof of Xiao Yan Zi's shortcomings as a mother.
Her satisfaction was decidedly short-lived. She watched as Xiao Yan Zi took Ji Xiang's arm and led her to Zhi Hua. Yong Qi stood on the other side of Ji Xiang and said to Zhi Hua in a voice that was on the surface neutral, "Zhi Hua, let me introduce my daughter, Ai Ji Xiang. Ji Xiang, Rong Wang Fei."
The girl had dropped another curtsy and though she did not look directly at Zhi Hua, she greeted Zhi Hua in a clear voice, addressing her as Rong Wang Fei, and did not show any sign that she knew Zhi Hua was her father's wife. Zhi Hua was frustrated when her earlier impression of the girl didn't hold up. She had expected from her Xiao Yan Zi's boldness, but the girl in front of her was unassuming. She was almost shy, but not quite. In fact, Zhi Hua found, with some consternation, despite Ji Xiang's earlier hesitance, there was a quiet but determined dignity shining out of her. She didn't cower away from Zhi Hua but she didn't look haughty about it either. It didn't help, of course, that she looked so prominently like Yong Qi and gorgeously so. Except the eyes, Zhi Hua realised. They were Xiao Yan Zi's eyes.
For a moment, Zhi Hua looked at the picture the three of them made in front of her. This picture of Yong Qi, Ji Xiang and Xiao Yan Zi, together, painted a family - his family - in which she had no place. The force of the realisation nearly knocked Zhi Hua breathless. She had lost him, and now he was so far away from her that she probably had little chance of winning him back. It was not fair. Zhi Hua bit the side of her cheek hard to stop being consumed by her emotions. She could feel the blood rush from her face and she hoped that none of them would notice how white must had become, or the fact that she had gripped her handkerchief tightly in order to stop herself trembling.
Zi Wei seemed in a great hurry to get everyone settled around the lunch table. She probably purposefully directed it so that Zhi Hua was sitting opposite of Yong Qi, as far away from him as she could be on the round table. On either side of him were Er Kang and Xiao Yan Zi, with Ji Xiang on Xiao Yan Zi's other side and Zi Wei on Er Kang's other side. The Fu children completed the table so that Zhi Hua ended up being sandwiched between Xuan Zhuang and Ying Yi who she had no interest in.
Xiao Yan Zi didn't know whether it was a good thing that Zhi Hua was seated where she was. Having Zhi Hua sitting opposite her and Yong Qi meant that she would have to deal with Zhi Hua's scrutiny throughout the meal. She would need a lot of willpower to get through this meal without some outburst of feelings. She didn't even remember the first meal she had with Zhi Hua after her wedding with Yong Qi being so tense and uncomfortable. Was the presence of everyone else just adding to the tension? She wished there could be three sides to a body so that she could have Zi Wei by her as well to calm her down.
Then she felt Yong Qi's foot press against hers under the table.
Yong Qi could tell Xiao Yan Zi was far from the calm exterior she put up. Xiao Yan Zi always wore her heart on her sleeves, so the fact that she was appearing calm in this intense situation was a bad sign. It was only the calm before the storm, he was sure. She was sitting rigidly and Yong Qi knew Xiao Yan Zi enough to know that such posture was not natural. She was, probably unconsciously, tapping her foot under the table, and only he could feel it from his seat next to hers. He moved his foot next to hers and pressed his toes gently on hers. A glance over at her allowed him to see that she had clenched her hands in her lap at the contact. She nudged his foot away but he returned it to hers, rubbing the back of her heel with the tip of his toes. Whether he was doing this to calm her down or calm himself down, he wasn't entirely sure, but he needed some physical contact with his wife right now, just to get through this entire meal intact.
It was curious, really, how such little movements of their feet under the table could calm them down when they were in tense situations like this, but in a more casual, relaxed setting, they would build a very different kind of tension: passion. It had been his way of letting her know that he was beside her through long boring banquets in the palace, through uncomfortable meals with Lao Fo Ye that could not pass fast enough. It had been, more pleasantly, their way of flirting at meal times in front of the servants when they were in the palace, and in front of the children by the time they moved to Dali. He had done this in the first meal they had together with Zhi Hua after he married Zhi Hua. It had been lunch, as well, the day after his wedding, as Xiao Yan Zi, after nearly killing him, had refused to have breakfast. She had initially silently resisted him then as she did just now, but eventually she did let his foot give hers the attention the rest of him longed to give her that day.
Now, he paused for a moment, just resting his foot next to hers. They were still for a moment, until she ran her foot up slowly once against his calf, making a shiver pass through him, as only she could ever manage to do. Then she let her foot rest innocently beside his again. Yong Qi smiled inwardly. So she did remember their little game, a game that she knew he reserved only for her. Yong Qi responded by slowly and sensually rubbing his foot against hers, before turning the rest of his attention back to the meal and the people around them.
If truth be told, Ji Xiang felt she would suffocate. Somehow, she managed to force herself to remain calm when meeting Zhi Hua, though nothing about the meeting had been calm, except the appearance. Zhi Hua had given her such a searching look at which Ji Xiang had wanted to squirm, but managed not to. Ji Xiang forced herself to keep calm; she would not give Zhi Hua the triumph over her mother by letting Zhi Hua know she had managed to discompose her.
As the meal began, Ji Xiang came to a conclusion: she would probably like Zhi Hua better if she actually acted according to her feelings. Zhi Hua was sweet as sugar to her mother when Ji Xiang could not find any reason for Zhi Hua to sincerely behave this way. It was obvious to anyone listening that there were thinly veiled jabs and provocations under the sweet tone.
"Jie jie," Zhi Hua said, "I say, it must had been hard for you to see to Ji Xiang's education considering you were not so lucky as to have received the level of education that Ji Xiang, as daughter of a Qin Wang, would need."
"Indeed not," Xiao Yan Zi replied shortly, as if not aware of the subtle insult. "You forget that Yong Qi is fully qualified to give Ji Xiang the education she would need. And of course, there is my brother as well as Qing Er too. Or are you implying that Qing Er too is not equipped for the job?"
"Oh no, Jie jie, I would not dream of implying such a thing. I was just expression my concerns."
"Your concern is admirable, Zhi Hua," Yong Qi said somewhat ironically. "But be assured that all my children are receiving all the adequate education that they deserve."
Ji Xiang was not sure whether her father brought out the fact that she was not an only child on purpose or not, but she could tell that Zhi Hua didn't miss that bit of information, even if her only reaction was a twitch in her expression as she looked hard at Yong Qi.
"I have found little wanting in Ji Xiang's knowledge of the classics," Er Kang broke into the conversation with a smile, to both her parents' relief, Ji Xiang could tell. She could feel her mother letting out a slow breath beside her. "In fact, as I told you, Yong Qi, earlier, that I am most impressed, that not only does she have a firm grasp of the books but she can also form her own opinion and debate about them."
Ji Xiang knew she could stand out in a crowd by her looks alone, and had always received far more attention than she ever was comfortable with. In any other situation, if someone was to put her on the spotlight like this, she would have flushed red and be dying of embarrassment, regardless of the fact they weren't praising her looks. However, strangely enough, in Zhi Hua's presence she could not feel embarrassed, but just serenely and silently accepted Er Kang's compliments, and was thankful for them. At least she could be sure now that her parents would have no reason to be ashamed of her in front of Zhi Hua, which clearly what Zhi Hua was looking for.
"Indeed?" Zhi Hua asked, turning her eyes to Ji Xiang now, looking surprised. Ji Xiang met Zhi Hua's eyes with just enough deference. Zhi Hua fired a few questions at Ji Xiang, obviously testing whether her abilities were really what Er Kang claimed. Ji Xiang answered as calmly as she could and after a while, it was clear that Zhi Hua, too, was grudgingly impressed as she stopped her interrogation. While Zhi Hua turned back to her father, Ji Xiang could feel her mother squeeze her hand slightly under the table. She squeezed back and gave her mother a quick smile.
Zhi Hua did not know whether to be nettled at how intelligent the girl obviously was. She should not have been been surprised, she chastised herself. After all, even Zhi Hua could not deny that she was Yong Qi's daughter, and apparently had inherited his intelligence along with his good looks.
"I understand it, then, that Ji Xiang is not an only child?" Zhi Hua turned to ask Yong Qi. Why was she doing this to herself? Why? Why put herself through this agony of knowing exactly how many children he had with Xiao Yan Zi? Zhi Hua thought this must be what being a moth must feel like, drawn to the light, only to get burnt.
"Yes," Yong Qi said rather shortly, as if he would rather not discuss it. "Ji Xiang has a twin brother, a younger brother and a younger sister."
"How happy for you, Jie jie, to have had twins," Zhi Hua turned to Xiao Yan Zi who gave her a wooden smile. "Why, two children at once. Perhaps Heaven was finally making it up to you for taking away your first two children."
The smile slipped off Xiao Yan Zi's face immediately to be replaced by a stony expression, as Zhi Hua expected. Everyone else around the table tensed at the comment as well. Yong Qi did not look happy at Zhi Hua's comment either and was giving her a warning look, but Zhi Hua could not heed it. Of course, no one was ever particularly wise and thinking properly when they are jealous and Zhi Hua was no different. She had started the meal thinking to herself if she had to sit through any length of time with Xiao Yan Zi and had to put up a charade of politeness, she would work to make it not any more enjoyable to Xiao Yan Zi than it was to herself. She felt like she was running down a slope and couldn't stop, no matter how doing this to Xiao Yan Zi was not making her look any better in Yong Qi's eyes.
"I must congratulate you, Jie jie," Zhi Hua continued sweetly, "for having such strength to give birth to four more children after losing two already. I say, not many would think that you would possess such willpower. Surely you must have been scared it would not end happily? But you took the risk."
"And you, of all people, would understand what it's like to take risks when it comes to children, would you not, Zhi Hua?" Yong Qi asked in a carefully controlled voice, looking directly at her. A very uncomfortable silence descended on the table following his remark, though the Fu children did not understand exactly what it meant. Zhi Hua realised that perhaps she had stepped over the lines and for the first time since the meal began, wisely, didn't answer. The silence stretched on until Zi Wei broke it.
"The weather lately is unusually chilly for this time of year," Zi Wei found herself saying.
The weather. She was talking about the weather. Zi Wei kicked herself. For all her education and she couldn't even think of a more interesting topic of ice-breaking conversation than the weather. However it had been the first thing that came to Zi Wei's mind and she knew she must break the tension. When Zhi Hua started on the subject of children, Xiao Yan Zi had looked like she would very much want to throttle Zhi Hua. Zi Wei thought if she didn't change the subject, Xiao Yan Zi probably would be driven to following that instinct. Or perhaps Yong Qi would be the one to do the deed. Both would probably be just and amusing enough to witness, but it would reflect rather badly on the Fu family. After all, one could not allow guests to be strangled in one's home, no matter how annoying the guest.
"Yes," Er Kang said with a supporting smile at her. "Though I suppose we should have known things will turn around after last year's very mild weather. We will have a rather harsh winter this year, I fear."
"I suppose that is one of the few things we don't miss about Beijing," Yong Qi spoke, his voice a little less tense than before. "Weather is much more bearable in Yunnan."
"Now that I'm so used to the weather in the south, I would hate to have to endure Beijing winters again," Xiao Yan Zi agreed.
"I enjoy Beijing winters," Zhi Hua said, her voice a little less friendly now. "After all, if one was born to endure such weather, one would be able to, even to the point of enjoying it. Or one could learn to adapt to it. You were born in Hangzhou, were you not, Jie jie? It seems that you were not born to endure Beijing winters, nor did you ever manage to tolerate them."
Somehow, Zi Wei did not think Zhi Hua was simply talking about the weather anymore.
"But Yong Qi," Zhi Hua continued. "You were born into Beijing winters, you cannot deny that. You should be able to tolerate it, even if Jie jie cannot. I am sure you can very much enjoy Beijing winters, but sadly it seems you would be influenced by Jie jie's more common fondness for the heat."
Now Zi Wei, and everyone else, was sure Zhi Hua was no longer talking about the weather. No, in fact, replace Beijing winters with life in the palace, with all its luxuries and wealth, and one would get a good idea of what Zhi Hua was talking about.
"Not heat, but warmth, Zhi Hua," Yong Qi answered. "Some may enjoy Beijing winters, and I may be able to endure Beijing winters, but I often find it too chilling and cutting for comfort. Certainly there are ways to guard against the cold but I would rather not to not have to so dependent on such defenses. No, Zhi Hua, I infinitely prefer the warmth of the south."
"But it must be terribly humid and uncomfortable down there?" Zhi Hua asked.
"I find the humidity more bearable than the cold," Xiao Yan Zi said frostily.
"You would," Zhi Hua remarked flippantly. "But I am sure Yong Qi is not accustomed to such discomfort. After all, he was born to the drier cold of the north."
"If I do not mind the little discomforts and would embrace them to take advantage of the warm weather, then I do not think you should worry much about my discomfort either," Yong Qi responded.
The conversation went on still, in the same vein. The longer this conversation about the weather went on, the clearer it became to Ji Xiang what Zhi Hua's motive was in leading the conversation into this area. It was quite obvious that Zhi Hua was trying to hint that her father belonged back in Beijing. It would not surprise Ji Xiang if Zhi Hua was in some way trying to find a way to get her father to return to Beijing for good.
Ji Xiang could also see that both her parents were less than happy with the direction the conversation was heading. For her part, Ji Xiang found that this one meal was enough to seal her dislike for Zhi Hua. She still felt bad that Zhi Hua had to endure her cold and lonely life but she couldn't like the way how Zhi Hua was using that as a reason and a weapon to attack her mother. Moreover, she was getting really irritated at having to listen to Zhi Hua's voice and seeing the annoying pouts Zhi Hua shot her father's way. She felt if she stayed in Zhi Hua's presence any longer she would be getting a huge migraine and desperately wanted to get rid of her.
Well, desperate times did call for desperate measures, no matter how her father, at least, would see straight through it. Ji Xiang hoped that he would be as eager as she was to be away from Zhi Hua's company and would not mind.
How Xiao Yan Zi managed to not say anything rude all this time was a mystery even to herself. She forced herself to listen to Zhi Hua's words and swallow them along with her annoyance. Just when Xiao Yan Zi thought her self-control was going to break, she heard a soft groan of discomfort beside her as Ji Xiang leaned her forehead on her hand.
"Mother, I feel - " she said weakly, looking like her head was suddenly too heavy to hold up.
"Ji Xiang?" Xiao Yan Zi put a hand on Ji Xiang's shoulder gently and turned her daughter towards her. She did look rather pale. Xiao Yan Zi took Ji Xiang's hands in her own, rubbing it. It was warm as normal. "What's wrong? What hurts, darling?"
"I feel really dizzy," Ji Xiang croaked out weakly. Yong Qi had gotten out of his chair and went over to crouch by Ji Xiang. Everyone else at the time was looking at Ji Xiang with worry, though Zhi Hua looked more puzzled.
Ji Xiang suddenly slumped against Xiao Yan Zi, apparently had fainted. "Ji Xiang," Xiao Yan Zi called worriedly, slapping her cheek lightly, then rubbing at her temples. Ji Xiang didn't budge. Yong Qi, meanwhile, was taking Ji Xiang's pulse. Xiao Yan Zi looked at her husband and found that he had a curious frown on his face, almost confused. Then it was as if he suddenly understood something and he gave a sigh that could be interpreted as exasperated. He gave Xiao Yan Zi a look that was almost amused and rolled his eyes slightly, turning away from the table so that only she could see.
"I think the chilly weather lately had not been good for her, especially with her wound. I'm sorry for disrupting the meal but I must get her to lie down for a while," he said to the rest of the table.
"Of course," Zi Wei said. "I fear she may have been overexerting herself lately."
Yong Qi picked Ji Xiang up and carried her out of the room, followed by a genuinely worried Zi Wei and Xuan Zhuang and an equally worried-looking Xiao Yan Zi, who really was rather grateful for her impish daughter and trying to hide it.
"I hope she's all right," Ying Zhong said to no one in particular.
Er Kang nodded and turned to Zhi Hua. "I am sorry the meal has to end so abruptly, Rong Wang Fei."
Zhi Hua didn't answer but just said, "Perhaps you should call for a physician to look at her."
"I'm sure Yong Qi will know what to do for his daughter. I'm afraid we would not be very good hosts now that we have to worry about Ji Xiang's health."
Zhi Hua could not miss the hint. She debated insisting to stay but thought against pushing too much in one day. She wasn't sure whether Ji Xiang really fainted or was just acting, but it was clear that Yong Qi wasn't warming up to her and she wouldn't make much progress today either.
"I was just thinking about leaving. I should not be out for so long, someone in the palace may be looking for me," she said coolly.
"Shall I have the servants prepare the carriage then?" Er Kang asked, hoping his relief was not showing in his voice.
"Yes, please."
Er Kang entered Ji Xiang's room a while later.
"Zhi Hua just left," he announced.
Everyone looked more relieved than was decent.
"How's Ji Xiang?" Er Kang asked Yong Qi.
He didn't answer, but just turned to his daughter, who was lying on the bed and said, "You can stop pretending now, Ji Xiang."
She didn't move. Yong Qi let out an exasperate breath while Xiao Yan Zi tried to stop herself from laughing. "Ji Xiang!" he said warningly.
Ji Xiang immediately sat up and looked at her father with an annoyed look. "How did you know I was pretending?"
Yong Qi just shook his head and chuckled. "I would be a very poor physician indeed if I couldn't tell when my own daughter was faking illness, Ji Xiang."
Ji Xiang pouted, making Xiao Yan Zi laugh.
"Did she learn this trick from you, Xiao Yan Zi?" Zi Wei teased, now that she understood what was going on. Er Kang and Xuan Zhuang laughed while Yong Qi rolled his eyes.
"Well, it saved you from having to sit in her company for much longer, didn't it?" Ji Xiang said to her parents childishly.
"Don't think I would condone this trick in normal circumstances, Ji Xiang," Yong Qi said, trying to look at her sternly but failing hopelessly.
"Just in circumstances where it benefits you," Er Kang said dryly. Ji Xiang giggled.
"Where are my brothers?" Xuan Zhuang asked, noticing they did not come in with Er Kang.
"They went off, apparently not wanting to disturb Ai Xiao jie's rest," Er Kang said, smiling.
"I suppose you made sure Rong Wang Fei departed comfortably, Er Kang?" Zi Wei said.
"Oh yes, I personally saw her to the carriage."
Xiao Yan Zi sighed. "This will not be the last we see of her, now that she knows, will it?"
"No, I'm afraid not," Yong Qi replied.
They exchanged a foreboding look, knowing that today's discomforts of being in the same room as Zhi Hua was only the beginning.
When Zhi Hua arrived in the palace, she didn't go back to Jing Yang Gong but went to find Qian Long and found him at Qian Qing Gong.
"Huang Ah Ma, I just arrived back from Xue Shi Fu," Zhi Hua got straight to the point once the greetings were over and she had asked him to dismiss the servants.
Qian Long looked at her intensely over his desk.
"And?" he asked.
Zhi Hua bit back an exasperated sigh. "You would not happen to know who I found staying there, would you, Huang Ah Ma?" If he was playing with her, she would play it right back.
"I might. Who did you see there?"
"Aside from the Fu family, I saw Yong Qi."
"Yong Qi?"
"Yes, Yong Qi. I do not imagine that you do not know he is there, Huang Ah Ma," Zhi Hua said bluntly.
Qian Long didn't seem offended at her tone, but he also stopped pretending like he didn't know Yong Qi was still alive.
"So you saw Yong Qi. I assume you saw Xiao Yan Zi as well?"
"Yes, and I met their daughter," Zhi Hua said grimly.
"Ji Xiang is a very clever, sweet girl, I am very fond of her. They have raised her well, do you not think?"
"Huang Ah Ma, you and I both know I am not here to talk about their parenting skills," Zhi Hua said in anger.
Qian Long looked resigned, ignoring her insolence. "Why are you here, Zhi Hua?"
"How could you do it?" Zhi Hua asked, almost demanding. "How could you just let him leave everything, let him walk away? How could you just let him go?"
Qian Long just looked at her seriously for a long time. "Do you want to know the honest answer, Zhi Hua?"
"Yes."
"I came to the throne at the age of twenty-five, the same age Yong Qi was when I let him go. To take responsibility for a whole country at that age is a huge burden. An honour, yes, but also more of a burden than you could ever imagine. I had to sacrifice a lot of what I want to do, for what I must do, in the name of duty, and most of the time, those sacrifices were not easy. Often, they can be painful. I don't want Yong Qi to have to make the same sacrifices, to forego his own happiness, not like that."
Zhi Hua just stared at Qian Long in disbelief. Qian Long sighed.
"Listen, Zhi Hua. I know Yong Qi would make an excellent ruler of this country. I also know that he would take whatever responsibility handed at him and carry it out properly; he has too much of a sense of honour to do otherwise. But I also know Yong Qi hates things being forced on him. He has inherited too much of the Ai Xin Jue Luo stubbornness and sense of independence to meekly accept things handed to him if he doesn't like them. For that, if I were to force him to stay, if I forced the throne and its responsibilities on him, he would take them seriously but not very graciously. He would not be happy as a result. As a father, I cannot bear to force him into a life where I know he would not be happy. As an emperor, I realise I am sacrificing perhaps the well-being of my whole empire in depriving them of such a future ruler, but just that once, I could not bear to let the emperor in me take over the father. I trust Yong Qi to make the right choice for his life, and I trust he would not shame me wherever he goes, and he has not."
"Of course, you care so much about him to indulge him in that," Zhi Hua said bitterly. "What about me? But I do not mean so much to you, do I, Huang Ah Ma? You would have me suffer for his supposed happiness."
Qian Long's expression was woeful. "I offered you more than one chance at happiness, Zhi Hua."
"You would have me abandon all duty and morals and virtue to marry another man while my husband lives?"
"Your husband is dead. I did not lie to you. The moment Yong Qi left, the moment he gave up his titles, Rong Qin Wang had died. His life is no longer here, in the palace, Zhi Hua. If you still hold hopes of being with him, your only choice is to leave what you have now and join him in his new life. I know it cannot be just to ask that of you; Yong Qi was willing to give up everything, you are not, so the comparison is unfair. Your situations are too different."
"But he belongs here, Huang Ah Ma!"
"Where a person belongs can only be determined by that person themselves - where they feel they belong. For Yong Qi, he belongs where Xiao Yan Zi is, and Xiao Yan Zi does not belong here, so neither does he."
"Do you believe that?" Zhi Hua asked, her voice choked with emotions.
Qian Long looked at her sadly. "It doesn't matter whether I believe it. Yong Qi does, and that is what will make his happiness. I have accepted that. Perhaps you should, as well, Zhi Hua."
Zhi Hua just shook her head mutely.
Qian Long sighed again. "It does not matter, now, anyhow. Right or wrong, the decision had been made and we cannot undo it, Zhi Hua. The records have it that Wu Ah Ge is dead. He cannot come back now, even if he wanted to."
"So you are just going to let him leave again, after this?" Zhi Hua asked weakly.
"Yes. I must."
Zhi Hua just looked at Qian Long for a long moment with blazing eyes, before abruptly turning and walking out of the room, forgetting even the proper farewells.
Zhi Hua ran all the way back to Jing Yang Gong, for once, not caring how unladylike it was and who saw her. She nearly crashed into Xiao Shun Zi and Xiao Gui Zi in the courtyard and they had fallen over in their haste to jump aside to avoid her. Even inside Jing Yang Gong, she could not get relief. This whole place, every room, every corner, every piece of furniture, contained reminders of him...and of her. They had walked these rooms, they lived here, in every smallest patch of it. Zhi Hua went straight to her bedroom, slammed the door behind her and bolted it. Then she collapsed on the bed, her energy finally spent and leaving her exhausted.
Qian Long's words rang in her ears. "Yong Qi belongs where Xiao Yan Zi is, and Xiao Yan Zi does not belong here, so neither does he."
She wanted to destroy every thing in sight just as she thought about those words but only managed to throw her pillow across the room. No! She refused to accept it. To think someone like Yong Qi would need someone like Xiao Yan Zi to determine for him where he belonged! It was absurd. He may had fooled himself into believing that, he may had convinced Qian Long and everyone else that, but she would not accept it. No, she had to show him that his place was here, to all the potentials he had, to all honours, wealth that he had, that he deserved. His place was here, with her, who could accept him for who and what he was born as, not Xiao Yan Zi!
It was absurd, that he would resign to a lowly life in some hole miles away from civilisation instead of embracing the opportunities he had here. Zhi Hua didn't know how Yong Qi could be so blind.
A small voice inside of Zhi Hua whispered to her that perhaps the blind and absurd one was her, to be spending so much time and energy trying to hold on to one as blind and absurd as Yong Qi. The voice was not a stranger to her, but as usual, Zhi Hua ignored it. It would not help and she would not get anything done if she listened to that voice.
No, she would keep him back. She would find a way to keep him in Beijing, to stop him leaving her again. She would find a way to make him see the life he could have here, in the palace, with her. She would take him back, even when he'd hurt her all these years by abandoning her, because she was the only one who could show him what he missed all these years.
Her eyes and her heart hardened, as did her resolve.
She would make him become hers.
Back in Xue Shi Fu, everyone had enough tact to leave Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi together after that very long and strenuous morning.
"Well?" Yong Qi asked.
"I - " Xiao Yan Zi started, then stopped abruptly. She started pacing around the room and Yong Qi just waited patiently for her to stop. When she finally did, she faced Yong Qi with a sad look in her eyes.
"I don't know, Yong Qi," she said helplessly.
Yong Qi just put his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. He kissed her tenderly, then rested his forehead against hers.
"It was uncomfortable," Xiao Yan Zi said after a while.
Yong Qi chuckled. "That was an understatement."
"You know...the thing is…the thing with Zhi Hua is when she is not there, or when she just speaks to you, I feel sorry for her and guilty for her. But the moment she opens her mouth to speak to me, I want to strangle her for the annoying way she calls me Jie jie."
Yong Qi smiled.
"I mean, I know she hates me, she knows she hates me, you know she hates me, so why doesn't she just act like it?"
"Are you sure it's just the way she calls you Jie jie that bothers you?" Yong Qi smirked.
"Well, that and the way she pouts at you, wanting you to take pity on her."
Yong Qi sighed. "Sugar-coated venom is worse than the strongest dose of poison and she knows it. She knows it irks you, that's why she's doing it. But you know, two can play that game."
"No, no, no way, Yong Qi. I'm not sinking to her level and pretend to be sickeningly sweet while I'm plotting her murder like she is doing with me."
"That would be funny, Xiao Yan Zi, only if I could be sure that she would not ever be plotting your murder."
Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer, but simply said. "So what now?"
"Well, it doesn't really matter whether she knows or not that we are here. She made her decision to marry me. I made my decision to leave. Right now, I'm not sure either of us made those decisions calmly and rationally or not, but it does not matter; it's done. We'll all just have to live with those decisions."
"So after all this, even after seeing her, would we just leave? Go back to Dali?"
"Would you want to do otherwise? Come back to Beijing, to the palace?"
"No. We can't do that now, anyway."
"No," he agreed. "In any case, I don't want to go back to the palace. Just a morning spent with Zhi Hua was enough to remind me of everything that I wanted to get away from in the palace. What I said to Zhi Hua was true, Xiao Yan Zi. Beijing winter is much too chilly and cutting; I never enjoyed it. I left as much for myself as I did for you, so you should not feel so guilty."
"I don't want to feel guilty either," she admitted. "But it just seems weird, being back here, then asking you to leave it all again."
"You are not asking me to do anything. Neither of us really belongs back here anymore, you know, after all this time. Maybe once upon a time, my place was here. Now my place is where you are, where my family is and it's not here."
"Hmmm."
"Really, Xiao Yan Zi, can you imagine our children in the palace?"
"No."
He looked seriously at her and said sincerely, "If they don't belong there, and you don't belong there, then neither do I."
She looked up at him, reached up and framed his face in her hands, her fingers caressing his cheeks lightly. Together, they didn't say anything for a long while. Then she asked softly, "Have I ever told you I love you?"
Yong Qi smiled, "Not lately, no."
"Well, I do."
He kissed her cheek gently. "I know."
"So, what do you think of Zhi Hua, Ji Xiang?" Zi Wei asked.
Ji Xiang shrugged. "She - I still feel bad that she has to suffer because she loves my father, but - "
"But you don't like her," Zi Wei finished.
"Is it that obvious?" Ji Xiang asked, looking guilty.
Zi Wei laughed. "Ji Xiang, after what you did to get rid of her? Yes, very."
Ji Xiang knew Zi Wei enough to know that she could speak totally honestly, but even then, she struggled to form her opinion of Zhi Hua in a coherent way. There were too many conflicting emotions inside her to be very eloquent.
"It's just...she's not...very...I'd...maybe not like her, but I won't dislike her as much if she was a bit more sincere. I mean it's obvious that she doesn't like Mother. Isn't it just more comfortable for everyone if she just goes out and act that way, instead of pretending to be so nice when it was pretty obvious that she doesn't want to be nice?"
"A well-bred lady is nice to everyone, though she may secretly hate them. Of course, Zhi Hua, and others like her, take that to a different level and make it clear their dislike through their action while still acting 'nice'. But yes, I see your point."
"Though I suppose...she must really love my father." Even as she said this, the words felt strangely bitter on her lips. Even her mother had apparently resigned to the fact, so why did Ji Xiang had to feel jealous on her mother's behalf? It wasn't as if her father hadn't made it clear where his heart lay, and it wasn't as if they could force Zhi Hua to feel otherwise.
"You think so?" Zi Wei asked sceptically.
"Do you not think so? I mean, all these years, she still waits for him, still wants him back."
"Why does she want him back, though? So that she could be with him. She still thinks that if only he stayed, she would be able to win him over, sometime, somehow. She can't accept that if your parents had stayed, all three of them would be miserable, your father most of all. She waits for him, I think, more out of pride for the books that she read that told her this was a woman's duty. She waits because it gives her something to do, someone to blame, something to blame her misery on that wasn't herself. The truth is, she walked into this marriage knowing your father didn't love her, so she practically brought this on herself. She thinks she knows your father better than he did himself, which, frankly, is a stupid assumption. She thinks she knows what is best for him, and won't accept his decision because accepting his decision would mean admitting that she failed. Where is the love in her refusal to accept his decision, in her desperate attempt to pull him back to a life where he was miserable, Ji Xiang? Love isn't about what you, yourself, selfishly want. It's about what will make the person you love happy, and accepting the situations that will make them happy. In love, you have to be prepared to let them make, and accept, their decisions, perhaps with input from, and consideration for, you, yes, but their decisions nonetheless. To assume that you can make decision for them and that your decisions will be for the best, because you think so, that will be taking them for granted. Zhi Hua should have realised that if your father was to ever realise that your mother was wrong for him, he'd done so long before now. But he hadn't. But she still can't accept the fact that he loves your mother, and not her. She thinks she knows better than him of who he loves, of who he should love and thus refuses to let him go."
"That's ridiculous," Ji Xiang exclaimed. "You can't choose who to love. If all of us love who we should love, then there would never be any problem!"
"Exactly."
"But why - why can't such an obviously intelligent person realise that she's only hurting herself more by holding on, when letting go would bring her so much more relief? I mean, if she holds on, she'll have to think about it, count the days till he comes back. If she lets go, she could have her own life. Maybe she thinks it's her duty to not marry again, but if she let go, she'd at least be able to live for herself, and be happier for it."
"Well, that is what it should be, if she were rational, yes. Zhi Hua is very intelligent and very educated, but she does seem to be rather lacking in the rationality department. She buries herself in her bubble of what she reads in her books and doesn't realise that life is very different from books. Books are written, by men, I might add, to act as ideal for people to strive to. Life is different, people are different, situations are different. Life changes, people change, situations change. If we don't know how to adapt to our situations, we'd be trapped in a corner with no way out. If she really lets go, she'd marry again, as the whole duty of a woman staying a widow and not marry again works on the idea that she holds on to her dead husband all her life. It's the way she was brought up and she is trapped in a society where she thinks she cannot break free from all these book teachings, that she has to carry them out to the letter."
"Weren't you brought up the same way, and live in the same society?"
Zi Wei chuckled. "Yes, but I've had your mother to widen my perspectives a bit. I've had a time when I was totally on my own, when none of the teachings in my books would help me survive and find my father. I had to realise that life is harsher than what my books tell me, that life is full of unexpected turns and you just have to let yourself react to them. If every time we come across a problem we have to think the whole society think will be acceptable, as opposed to what is the solution that will bring us the best result, then we'd all be pretty miserable. People around you and society are important, yes, but ultimate you live for your life and only you can tell what is best for you, what would make you happy. No book written by men long in their graves could tell you that. For all her education, Zhi Hua lacks the real world experience. Her life revolves around the upper-class she was brought up in, life in which, quite frankly, only teaches you how to compete to climb higher rather than to look down and realise there is more to life than that."
Ji Xiang looked thoughtful as she let Zi Wei's words sink in. If truth be told, she had grown up with the same teachings, as well. After all, they all read from the same books. Still, though both her parents took a very serious approach to her book learnings, they never failed to make it clear to her that there were more to life than what was in those dusty books and they never were satisfied for her to just simply memorise and follow those words blindly, which, according to Zi Wei, what Zhi Hua was wont to do. It was the ability to think about what you read that allowed you to benefit from them, her father always told her. After all, if rote learning was all that made a scholar, then the world would be a rather scary place with no progress.
"What do you think my parents will do now?" Ji Xiang asked.
"He cannot come back, if that's what you're asking. And he would not want to come back either. He doesn't belong in the palace anymore, not when they think he is dead. No one would be happy even if he did come back, least of all Zhi Hua. It's not really anyone's fault. Zhi Hua...she is to be pitied, but it's not really a question of blame, Ji Xiang. Actions and reactions feed on each other, and we can't look back and say if we didn't do this, it would all turn out all right, because more things could go wrong even if we did make another decision. The most difficult thing in life is not making a decision - that's just choosing between one and the other. It's to accept the consequences of those decisions and live with them."