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Disclaimer: Of course I don't own anything in the Who or Torchwood universe - I only wish I did. Nothing belongs to me, everything belongs to the creators. I just like to play around in the universe. :)
Many sincere thanks to Liv16 and savingjuliet123 who have both inspired, encouraged, and helped me to make the most of my first DW fan fiction story.
Author's Note: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy. Reviews very welcome!
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"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." - William Shakespeare
…
Rose missed the sound of storms. Lying awake late at night as a child and listening to the sound of rain hitting the roof and pounding against the windowpane had been a source of great amazement and wonder for her. Of course, like most children, the slap of thunder and the strike of lightening had gotten the better of her imagination; those moments where she had been forced to burrow deep under her covers, away from the light and the terrible noises that followed, protecting herself against the monsters and the unknown darkness. But as time went on, she came to love the sounds of thunderstorms, and relished the thought of being cozy and dry inside her warm house, just out of reach from the wet, cold, and dark. It made her feel safe, untouchable, and secure.
Perhaps that's why she always loved storms so much, it wasn't necessarily the storm itself - the lightening and thunder and dark clouds - but the feeling of safety and comfort of being inside; protected from it. Experiencing it without having to be touched by it.
Nevertheless, the soothing sound of rain falling and the gentle rumblings of thunder always relaxed her, made her feel a part somehow - perhaps of the human race or simply letting her know she was one of many who was experiencing the same thing as her, at the same time - letting her know that she wasn't alone in the storm.
Since Rose started travelling with the Doctor, the TARDIS had provided a great many things - more than Rose felt comfortable accepting, at times, even. Food, clothing, water, and laundry - all of the basic necessities and more. If asked, the TARDIS could even provide music to any particular room, from mostly anywhere. She'd once asked for a song at random and the TARDIS had played the most eerie and unpleasant clacking noise one had ever heard. Much to her dismay, her voice was drowned out by the different sounds, that she'd had to run after the Doctor to get him to turn it off. He'd been in the library at the time, tapping his foot along to the horrible clanging, and had been dumbfounded as to why Rose was so upset by the volume. She'd decided then and there that the Doctor should never get control of the radio, if they were ever in a situation where they got to use one, and he most definitely did not get to choose the music when they were having a night in together - the man simply had no taste in good music.
Rose was sure that if she requested the sound of rain, the TARDIS would be most accommodating, but she also knew that it wouldn't be the same - wouldn't feel the same. She would know that it wasn't real, and she was sure that the feelings that came with the rain wouldn't be reproduced in knowing that it wasn't real. Rain was more than sound - it was a powerful thing, a source of nature to behold. It was moving and profound, and was so much more than a simple noise. It was life, and it could bring death. It was a miracle and it was science. No, it wasn't necessarily the sound of it that Rose longed for. It was the actual presence of a storm.
Climbing out of bed and stumbling across her dark bedroom, Rose gently padded her way down the long hallway, past the control deck, and towards the TARDIS door; pushing it open. The floor of the TARDIS felt cold on her bare feet, and she wished she'd taken a moment to slip on her slippers, or even some cozy socks.
Peering outside, into her bedroom in her mum's flat, she felt amazingly like a child once again, excited and scared and exhilarated. Rose surveyed the room, her eyes finally resting on the window, she could see the droplets of rain first hitting and then running down the pane of glass. It was raining - hard. The wind was howling; the city laid out in front of her, a mass of darkness and thin lights, trying to shine through the cover of cloud. As Rose padded over to the window, thunder rolled through the dark clouds as light shimmered the outside world into existence for single moment, before darkness covered the city like a blanket once again.
Picking up a thin quilt from her bed, she shrugged it on over her shoulders and pulled it around her tightly as she made her way to the window. She didn't necessarily feel cold, but she longed for the comfort and warmth a blanket could provide. The window fogged up every time she exhaled, which only caused her to press her nose closer against the glass, watching the flicker of light and dark and relishing in the fact that she wasn't alone in the storm. There was a mass of people, probably all pressing their faces against their own glass windows, like she, watching the storm in awe as well. She wondered if thunderstorms were going to be the only thing in her future that provided the slightest hint of comfort for her. She shivered at the unpleasantness of the thought, as her mind drifted once again to her mother, and to Mickey, and to what she'd lost that she would never have back again.
Lost in memories, and absorbed by the storm, it was a very long time before Rose turned and went back into the TARDIS.
…
"I don't think I can go," she informed the Doctor that morning when he came to collect her from her room. She was on her hands and knees, on the bed, her arm reaching down between the wall and the mattress as she searched for her shoe. It had occurred to her that she really didn't know when she'd last worn them, and although she'd been successful in finding one, the other seemed determined not to be found.
"What are you looking for?" he asked, his eyebrows raising at the sight in front of him, as he leaned casually against the door frame, crossing his legs.
"My shoe," she said, her voice thick as she mushed her face in the crack to get a better look at what lay there. Frustration hit her as she only saw darkness, and sneezed as a wave of dust hit her. Why was there dust here, even? The TARDIS usually made sure the rooms were dust and allergy free. Rose frowned, grumpily.
He pointed to one on the floor. "There's one."
Rose slowly turned to him, eyes narrowing as she saw what he was pointing at. "That's the one I've already found," she told him, dryly. What a help he was.
He crossed his arms, studying her. She ducked back into the crack, refusing to look at him while he gazed at her so unabashedly. It made her uncomfortable and awkward, and more nervous than she would ever let on. Suddenly feeling annoyed at herself that she'd felt that horrific, slightly teenage, heart-throbbing angst she thought she was long since over, she pushed those thoughts aside, focusing on the task at hand - finding her missing shoe.
Her arm reaching under the bed once again, she poked around at nothing before quickly losing her temper, along with her cool, and flopped face-down on the bed, groaning into the layers of quilt and covers. She was uncertain about today and the thought of going and dealing with it all had been tugging at her insides all morning. Anger and annoyance swept over her once again, and this stupid shoe - the simple fact that she couldn't find it on top of everything she was feeling - it was just too much.
"I can't do this, Doctor. I can't go," her voice muffled through layers of comforter. She swatted them away from her face as she struggled to breathe against the heavy fibers. The lack of oxygen she felt still wasn't enough to make her look up, and she relished for a moment in the inability to breathe comfortably. At least her nose was warm.
He regarded her thoughtfully, "Because you don't have a shoe?"
"Yes," she nodded into the bed. Her voice was thick and she refused to look a him. "I only have one shoe to wear and I can't do this and I don't think I want to anyway." The shoe was a good enough reason as any to get out of today, and as Rose had seriously tried to find it, she didn't feel as if she'd given up without a fight. It was just meant to be - her not going, or at least not today. She wasn't ready and she wasn't up to it, and really, in the end, she wasn't sure if she ever would be.
The idea of simply existing without time in the TARDIS suddenly seemed more appealing than ever, and Rose sniffled unsuccessfully before she was forced to turn her head to inhale properly. The Doctor stood, gazing at her thoughtfully, as if she were a problem he was trying to work out. The way he was looking at her almost made her want to turn her face back into the covers, like he was figuring out something about her that she had yet to discover. It made her feel open and vulnerable, and she had to work at forcing herself to stay as she was - gazing back at him. If he wanted to search her out, and learn how she felt, who was she to hold back?
Fighting the desire to suffocate and to cry out of sheer desolation, she watched, just laying there, as he tore his gaze away from hers and quickly scanned the room. Forcing herself onto her knees, and then to stand on the bed, Rose folded her arms as her strode over to her draws and pulled the other shoe from the bottom draw, as if he had known it was there all along.
She looked crossly at the shoe, and he tried to hide a grin.
"Rose?"
Rose looked away. She really didn't want to talk about how mixed up she felt. Upset and happy that she couldn't find the shoe, annoyed and relieved that he now found it. She didn't know what she was thinking or how she felt - only that she was confused and unhappy, and now that she had access to both of her shoes, she simply felt distressed. The shoe had been an excuse to cling to, and now she didn't even have that.
He walked over to her and sat on the bed, tossing the shoe on the floor beside the other. She watched as she shoe landed atop of the other, before falling over onto it's side. The Doctor reached up to where Rose was standing and tugged at her skirt, trying to pull her down to sit next to him. She sunk down, wrapping her arms around her calves and rested her chin upon the tops of her knees. He leaned back on the bed and put his weight on his arms, not quite touching her, and yet not far enough away that she couldn't feel him.
"No one wants to do this kind of thing, you know," he said quietly. "It's perfectly normal, how you're feeling."
Rose winced. The last thing she needed was the Doctor playing psychologist on her. She avoided her feelings and went directly to the physical circumstances. "There are going to be all of these people there. People I don't even know."
The Doctor regarded her solemnly. "Probably," he said gently.
She lifted her head, turning her face towards him. His hair was spectacularly disheveled today, and she longed to take a brush to it.
"They're all going to be looking at me, wondering how I am," she said. "Feeling sorry for me." Her voice trailed off.
He bumped her shoulder with his, lightly. "Think about what they'll say, when they worry why you aren't there."
Rose slumped.
"Hey now, it's not like you'll have to be there by yourself," he said as he reached out a hand to touch her shoulder. "You'll have me there."
"I know," Rose said, her hand reaching up to squeeze his on her shoulder, not wanting to sound ungrateful, but not quite being able to hide her misery at having to go.
He held onto her hand, pulling it down towards his lap, his fingers interlacing with hers. His hand felt nice, and she wasn't opposed to holding it. It felt warmer than her own, and she imagined herself as a little chameleon then, seeping up his warmth, instead of color, making it her own.
The Doctor caressed her hand with his own, moving his thumb gently over hers in some sort of circular pattern. It tickled a bit, but she didn't stop him. He was looking at her so earnestly, so truthfully - wanting her to believe so badly, that she had him and that she wasn't alone and that she would make it through today - that she couldn't help but want to believe anything he said to her.
"Today won't be forever. It'll probably seem long, but then we'll go somewhere else where you'll feel comfortable and we'll take as much time as we need there."
Even the thought of going somewhere was simply unthinkable. All she wanted to do was to curl up under her covers and turn off the lights and simply lay there - not crying and certainly not thinking - but most definitely escaping.
She shrugged, her shoulders heavy and weighed down. Her back ached and she felt tired - more so than ever before in her life. Like every little thing was exhausting all of her energy. Even thinking took energy she wasn't sure she had on reserve.
"I just don't know what to do," Rose sighed.
"I'm telling you," he told her firmly. "We'll do it together, you and I. We'll go and we'll shake hands and we'll thank people for coming and then it'll be over and we can come back here."
"What if I can't?" she asked, helplessly, feeling weak and despising herself for it.
"That's why I'll be there." His grin didn't quite reach his eyes. "You just do what you can, and the rest you leave to me."
Rose sighed heavily and closed her eyes.
"Come on," he patted her knee before standing up. "Let's go." He held out a hand to her, expectantly.
She didn't budge.
"I know you don't want to do this, but people need to see you there. They need to see that you are doing alright."
She looked up at him, finally meeting his eyes, shaken. "But I'm not doing alright. I'm not all right at all."
The Doctor slowly dropped to his knees, kneeling before her and grasped her wrists with his hands. "I know. And I wish I could take this all away for you, so that you'd never have to go through it. I am so very sorry, that we're here and we have to do this." He bowed his head. "Rose, I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you do need to do this. The closure of today, that is. In the long run, you will be thankful for it."
She saw the flicker of pain that crossed his expression. The pain that he hid so well - the pain that he kept tightly controlled in his innermost secret of places, that flitted to the forefront every now and then - they way he grimaced, was obvious that he barely suppressed the horror of it all. Removing a hand from his tight grasp, she reached out and moved a few stray hairs that had fallen against his forehead.
"Thank you," she told him softly.
She knew what today was costing him. A singular reminder of everything he'd lost, all over again, and to top it off, the knowledge that he hadn't gotten the opportunity to bury his loved ones. He'd never had the chance to get closure from losing his planet, his home, his people - his family.
He nodded as he stood, not quite able to meeting her gaze for once, and pulled her to her feet behind him, tugging her towards the door. She let herself be pulled, only stopping halfway to slip her feet into her heels, and then let him tug at her until they reached the door, and then she had to force him to stop and look at her.
She needed just a moment - one moment to tell him. One moment was all it would take, and he needed to hear what she had to say.
"Rose?" he questioned, confusion flitting across his face.
"I'm sorry, really I am," she said, her voice gaining strength and momentum as she went on. "I just need to take a moment - I just need to tell you..."
Rose wrapped her arms suddenly around his waist, pulling him tightly to her. He made a slight "Oof" as breath left his lungs in his surprise. Letting his arms fall loosely to her waist, she only held him tighter and he let himself be pulled into her embrace.
"I just need to say something to you. Something you need to hear."
He looked at her curiously, but didn't interrupt. She took a deep breath and pressed her cheek to his chest. "I'm so grateful to you, Doctor. For everything."
His voice hitched, and he mumbled, "Rose..."
"No," she interrupted. "Let me get it out."
He nodded against her hair and held her as tightly as she, him.
"I am so glad that I'm here with you and that you want me here." Rose felt desperate to tell him these things, scared that she might not get the chance - that the timing would be wrong, or that the place would never be right - needed him to know how she felt about him. "So, so glad.
I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be right now had you not shown up when you did."
She dared a glance up, to take in his expression as she bared her soul to him. His eyes were wide and his mouth was opening as if to reply but she pleaded, "No, don't - I'm not done," and his mouth shut with a snap. She could look at him now, and she held his gaze as she now had the courage. He wasn't stopping her, wasn't putting up a fight - it was more than she'd expected and she was so very grateful that he was letting her have her say.
"I know some of the things I've said the past few days have been horrible. It was truly awful of me, and I need you to believe me when I say that I don't really think those things and that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Doctor."
"Rose," he quickly interjected. "I know. You don't need to apologize."
She disagreed. "But I do. I need to. And I need you to forgive me."
He gave a huge sigh and looked at her with compassion, as he stroked her cheek gently with the back of his fingers. "Then I do. Of course I do," he said simply. "I'm sorry, too, for,"
"No. Please don't." Rose whispered. "I know."
He looked lost as he stared at her. She sniffed and laid her head back upon his chest. His hearts were pounding. It was soothing and strange and wonderful, and completely him.
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost..." Her throat closed as she choked out the words.
"You are not going to lose anyone else," the Doctor said, his eyes bright. He cupped her face in his palms, forcing her to look at him directly. "No one else is ever, ever going to leave you again - not if I can help it."
Rose wished that he could keep that promise. She let him pull her tighter against him, his fingers brushing her skin, making it prickle in a way that was anything but unpleasant.
"Don't leave me today," Rose pleaded.
"I promise, I'll be with you every moment."
Rose relaxed slightly and let him pull her out of her room, and from the TARDIS.
…
The church ceremony had been tough, the minister long, and the roses beautiful. Taking the time to greet each person offering their condolences was a test of patience, and she was grateful that the Doctor hadn't left her side for even a moment.
He hadn't left her alone, as he'd promised, and she had clung to him like a lifeline for most of the day. He'd held her when her shoulders shook and tears ran down her face during the eulogy. He'd tucked her close when she stood beside Mickey for the last time. She hadn't reached out to touch him - hadn't been able to do more than stare at his seemingly sleeping face. It was hard enough to be near him and to see the shell of the friend that used to be so filled with life, knowing that she would never again see him smile at her again with those gorgeous brown eyes, or bump shoulders with her when they were having a good laugh, or feel his lovable arms around her shoulders as he hugged her close.
Looking at him now was only a reminder of who he was, and only caused Rose pain, and she hadn't been able to stay with him long. It was too much a painful memory of who he used to be and she'd rather remember him as the energetic and full of life friend she'd always had in him, opposed to this cold, emotionless body that remained behind.
The Doctor had covered her shaking hands with his own warm ones and squeezed when she'd walked up to her mother's casket, looking down at her mum for the last time. Rose had clutched at him in panic for a moment, not wanting to stay and see her mum like that, and yet not wanting to leave her mother's side, because she knew that this was the last time she'd see her, and she knew that she had to stay because there wouldn't be another time. This was it, and her eyes watered as she gazed down at her mum's beautiful face.
She'd gently touched her hand, caressing the cold skin as tears made their way down her cheeks and the lump in her chest grew heavy, making it difficult to breathe. Letting go of the Doctor, she leaned over and softly kissed her mum's cheek, lingering for a moment to lay her own cheek against her mum's, taking just a moment to try and feel close one last time. Taking a deep breath and trying to put into memory her mum's last peaceful expression, Rose whimpered softly as the Doctor gently pulled her away and led her out of the church. She'd made it into the hallway, alone with the Doctor, before she broke down and sobbed.
"It isn't h-her," she cried. "It doesn't feel like her at all. She's g-gone."
He drew her quickly into his embrace and soothed her with gentle words as he caressed her neck and back with his hands. His hearts were beating steadily against her cheek and she pulled herself into him further, desperate to feel him, frantic to feel warmth, a need to feel something other than inconsolably alone.
"When I touched her, she was cold - so cold." Rose wept. "It was like I d-didn't even know her - didn't know who she was."
"Shh..." the Doctor said. "She's just... she's gone, Rose. I'm so sorry."
"No!" Rose said, pushing slightly against the Doctor to stand on her own. "You don't understand!"
His eyes narrowed in confusion.
"When I put my hands on hers, I couldn't feel her. I didn't feel anything. There was nothing, she didn't feel like mum - just like a... a cold thing."
Rose dissolved into tears once again, this time reaching for the Doctor.
"I w-wanted for her to feel like my mom. I needed her to," Rose said, her voice hitching. "She felt like nothing - nothing more than a cold body."
"She's still you mum, you know," the Doctor told her gruffly. "Always will be, even if she's not here anymore."
Rose sniffled into his coat. "I wish she was still here."
"I know, Rose," the Doctor said, sadly. "I know." His head lowered to where his cheek was pressed against her own, and she finally felt his warmth. His hot breath against her neck and shoulder helped her relax and it wasn't long before she was breathing more calmly, just letting him hold her - enjoying the feel of a warm body against hers.
Eventually, she calmed down enough for him to lead her to the car outside that would take her to the grave site. Rose was shaking with cold and trepidation as they made their way to where her mum would be laid to rest. Rose had said her goodbyes to Mickey earlier, knowing that she wouldn't follow him on this day as he was settled into the ground. She'd have to visit him where he lay another time. Her heart wrenched at the thought of not seeing his journey to an end, but it was necessary, and as much as she wanted to be there, she needed today done and over with, and she just physically couldn't be in two places at once.
Burying her mother today would be all she could take, and she'd discussed it with the Doctor after the funeral director had brought it up, and he'd sympathised and agreed that the joint church ceremony would be appropriate, to then be followed by separate burials.
So she now found herself belted into the backseat of a car, being driven to the place where her mum would be lowered into the ground. Rose stared outside, not really concentrating on anything in particular, but taking note at how dreary it was outside, grey, wet, and cold. The sky was dark and cloudy - the thunderstorm that she'd stayed up watching last night had stayed, sinking over the ceremony like a thick blanket. The Doctor held her hand tightly as he looked out of his own window - letting her know that he was there for her and yet, lost enough in his own thoughts to want to avoid more conversation than necessary. She left him to it, as she didn't feel up to talking, anyway. Not really.
Before she knew it, the car had stopped and the Doctor jumped out of his seat, and walked around the car to her side. He'd opened her umbrella already and held it above her as he reached for her hand. Setting one foot on the ground, she hoisted herself out of the car and felt comforted all the more when he reached for her elbow and held her closely against him, sharing the umbrella as he led her to the burial site.
Trudging through the mud, Rose felt it only appropriate that rain fell roughly from the sky - like tears from the heavens, crying with her on this horrible day. The wardrobe had provided an ample selection of umbrellas, and she'd chosen a large black one - suitable for the long day ahead.
Rain fell against her legs and rolled down into her satin stilettos. It was a good thing she'd decided against tights - what a mess that would have been. Arm in arm with the Doctor, he practically pulled her through the mud, as she stumbled and tripped her way through the cemetery. When she'd dressed, she'd thought the stilettos would be appropriate - classy, dressy, and simplistically black. Now that she was sinking in the mud, and getting stuck with every other step, she regretted putting fashion above practicality. She was already tired of crying and felt simply drained, as she stumbled over the muddy ground. Thank God for the Doctor. He was practically carrying her along as he trudged through the mud and the mess.
"Rose?" A timid voice behind them called, not loud enough to bring attention, but enough that both she and the Doctor turned in the direction it came from.
Rose felt the Doctor tense as she saw the man that now stood in front of them. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes widened in shock and surprise. His hair was slicked back, wet from the rain, and he wore his usual trench coat.
"J-Jack?" Rose stuttered.
"Oh, good," he replied, relief followed by a grin spreading across all of his features. "You know me."
"Oh...oh my God, it's you! Doctor - it's Jack!" she exclaimed. She turned towards the Doctor in shock. He didn't look nearly as surprised as she felt he should. Turning back to Jack, she said, "Of course we know you, Jack. What do you mean?" Rose asked, reaching her arms towards him.
"Oh God, I thought you were dead!" Rose said as she wrapped her arms around his neck and felt him hug her tightly to him. She couldn't believe he was standing in front of them - that she was touching him. He was dead! At least, the Doctor had led her to believe he was dead. Glancing quickly back at the Doctor, she felt even more confused at the wary expression now across the Doctors face. He didn't seem all that pleased to see Captain Jack at all. But that was absurd! Of course, he must be thrilled.
"Doctor?" Jack asked confusedly, gently setting Rose back down to examine the Doctor. His eyes slid slowly from bottom to top as he took in the Doctor's appearance, and Rose noted a glint of approval in his eye as his confusion became pleasure.
"Oh right!" the Doctor exclaimed, slapping his palm against his forehead. "New suit! New face! New Doctor!"
"New Doctor?" Jack asked.
"Regeneration," the Doctor replied, matter of factly.
"Ah," Jack said. "I thought that was just a fairy tale." He took another long look at the Doctor and he grinned. "I like it."
The Doctor grinned back, happily. "Me too."
Rose sniffled, a gush of wind hit her, making her nose run more. It really was cold out here, and the sky was getting darker by the minute.
"Oh Rosie," Jack said softly, his grin turning into a grimace as he turned towards her, holding her at arms length. "I had to come - had to take the chance. I saw it in the paper. I'm so sorry."
Rose shifted awkwardly. "Why didn't you let us know you were here? Why didn't you find a way to let us know you were alive?"
Captain Jack scratched his head sheepishly. It made him look young and boyish, and Rose fought the impulse to pull him into a hug once again, just to reassure herself that he was there. "Well, honestly Rose, I didn't know if we'd met yet and I didn't want to mess up the time lines if I showed up too soon."
"So you waited, to make sure you hit the time line right."
He nodded, a brilliant smile making it's way across his face. "Right. I didn't want to take a chance in finding you and you not knowing who I was."
The Doctor nodded. "Good thing, too, Captain. That could've caused some serious problems."
"What would you have done if I hadn't recognized you?" Rose asked.
Jack laughed. "Well, I probably would have just been forced to give one hell of a sexy grin and try my best to give you a one-liner, before making a run for it."
"Oh, stop it," the Doctor whined.
"What? I didn't do it, did I?" Jack argued.
"Only because you didn't muck up the time line!"
"Hey, now!" Jack started.
Rose chuckled between the two of them. Her face was lit up and momentarily, and she shone with happiness at Captain Jack. How she'd missed him! Impulsively, she pulled him into another hug, relishing in the fact that he was standing there, here and now, alive and in front of her.
"Don't know what you're missing, Rosie," the Captain replied, lifting her off the ground as he squeezed her tightly.
"And that's enough of that," the Doctor insisted, as Jack gently set Rose back down on the ground.
"Doc," Jack held out his hand.
The Doctor looked at it for a long moment before jumping towards Jack and throwing his arms around the other man. Jack broke out into a smile as they clapped each other enthusiastically on the back. "It's so good to see you both again! The Doctor and Rose. Where's the TARDIS? You are still travelling?"
The Doctor grinned back. "Oh, yes! We've been to some of the most brilliant places. You should see how Rose can handle herself on the Bridges of Timberoon. Wouldn't let those Grones bully her around at all."
Jack laughed, enthusiastically. "Oh, I bet. Wish I'd been there."
Rose piped up. "You'll have to come with us, then!"
Jack's face lit up as he glanced sideways at the Doctor. "Really? I can come?"
The Doctor nodded slowly, after glancing at Rose and seeing her enthusiastic nod. "'Course you can." Rose wondered why he wasn't more forthcoming with the invitation. What was going on with him?
"That's great!" Jack exclaimed, as he pulled the Doctor into a hug once again. As he pounded the Doctor on the back, Rose asked, curiously, "So what have you been up to all this time, Captain?"
Jack's eyes twinkled as he stepped back from the Doctor, taking her hands in his own. "Oh, you know me. This and that, getting into trouble, running away from trouble - nothing major, just keeping things interesting."
"You'll have to fill us in." The Doctor told him, in a voice that suggested he was more than a little curious. Wary didn't even begin to cover it. Rose couldn't help but wonder what had gotten into the Doctor. He was acting very strangely - even for him.
If Jack noticed anything odd about the Doctor's strange behavior, he kept it to himself. The only indication Rose had that there was something more going on between the two men that she wasn't privy to, was the fact that instead of twinkling with amusement at the Doctor's strangeness, Jack simply gave him a long look, his eyes darkening and his face lost his smile, before giving the Doctor a quick nod. Turning to Rose he said, "We can all catch up later, absolutely." She looked sideways at the Doctor, but his expression gave nothing away. She'd just have to pry it out of him later.
His gaze drifted over the cemetery, and Rose followed his gaze, reminding her of where she stood. "I think there are other things that need our attention now, though."
Rose's eyes dropped to the Captain's chest. She didn't want to meet his eyes - didn't want him to see the pain that was held there. She hadn't forgotten where she was, or why she was here, but she had relished in the few jubilant moments before, when the reality of her situation wasn't pounding to the forefront of her mind. She'd felt joyous to see him again, to touch him and hold him - it was a miracle. A miracle on today of all days. It was cruel that she could be filled with such joy and happiness, and such sorrow and pain all at the same time. The universe really had a sense of irony, she thought somewhat bitterly.
With the Captain on one side of her and the Doctor on the other, they made their way to the grave site. Her mum's casket was already there, closed and waiting. Rose walked over to it, running her finger over the smooth wood. Reaching towards the floral arrangement sitting atop the base of the coffin, she plucked a single yellow rose out and laid it carefully on top of the casket.
Thunder rolled through the clouds, reminding them of the rain pouring down around them. Rose watched as a single droplet of water made its way down the closed casket, slowly connecting with another droplet, and then another, before falling to the cold ground. Rose imagined herself sinking towards the ground, and wondered how that really felt, to be absorbed into the earth. And just like the droplet of water, she too was sinking, down into something. Maybe not the earth, but into some kind of darkness where there was no light and no sunshine and no joy. Glancing at the Doctor and then to Jack, both of them looking back at her with saddened faces, she wondered if her own face reflected the helpless agony she felt. Tears coursed down her cheeks, and she was numb to them. The breeze against her face was cold, and her eyes burned bitterly against the harshness of it, and yet, she wasn't shaken by the physical pain of it.
"I can't believe she's gone," Rose whispered, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand.
The Doctor and Jack had fallen silent at her sides, but each grabbed a hand and squeezed. The Doctor's smooth and slender hands, the hands that Rose loved feeling against her own, were very different from Jack's large, rough ones. Feeling torn between wanting to let them lead her back to the TARDIS and wanting a few minutes alone, sadly, neither won out. The sky was darkening all around them as thick grey clouds rolled over their heads and every few minutes, the sky would light up with a burst of lightening. Rain continued to fall, drenching the ground around them, and Rose was happy for it.
Due to the heavy pouring, the ceremony was simple and kept short, much to Rose's relief. The priest was punctual and a large crowd gathered, dark umbrellas meeting at the ends to create a canopy of sorts, protecting the small gathering from the storm.
Rose was thankful that the Doctor seemed old-fashioned enough to carry a handkerchief, as she wasn't sure how her sad little tissue would have withstood the rain and tears of the day. She wiped her cheeks and nose as the minister finished his closing lines,
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." And he reached down to the earth and gathered a bit of dirt and sprinkled it lightly across the top of the coffin. Rose's breath hitched at that, but the Doctor had a firm hold on her hand, and the Captain had laid a hand on her back, both doing what they could to offer her comfort.
Rose appreciated their attempts, but what she really wanted right now was her own space, needed it even. Trying to escape the feeling of being suffocated, she stepped forward, out of the reach from both Jack and the Doctor; stepping closer to her mother. Sobs racked her body - making her immobile - stopping her from reaching her mother's coffin, whom she desperately wanted to be close to, even if just for a single moment more. Letting out a little gasp, she quickly berated and silenced herself, not wanting to cause a scene at the funeral. Rose heard the people around her, crying for her mother, crying for her, but she didn't turn to look, couldn't even. Her eyes were fastened on her mother's coffin, only, and the rest of the world simply fell away. Cold, as if in a daze, she knew that the Doctor and the Captain were talking quietly behind her, but she didn't know what they were saying - didn't even try to focus to make it out. Mum was dead, and this was the end of this horrible day, and she felt no better or worse for having gone through it.
Instead, she only felt loss, and emptiness, and cold. Her teeth chattered and her limbs shook and still, she stood there, reeling from the shock of having just attended her mother's and her best friend's funeral - all in the same day. She wiped at her cheeks once more, annoyed that it didn't seem to do any good, as they were still wet. As she did, she glanced up and noticed with surprise that the crowd that had previously gathered had now dissipated, leaving only a few stragglers spread out over the graveyard in small groups, sharing and huddling under large umbrellas, talking amongst themselves. It was comforting that most of them had now gone. Rose had felt grateful to those who had come, but she was tired and worn and the less people she had to deal with now, the better.
"Rose," the Doctor said softly behind her, his hand settling on her lower back. "Are you ready to go?"
Jack looked from the Doctor to Rose, his face dark and sad as he regarded her.
"I think I... I need a minute alone, if you don't mind," she replied softly.
Jack rocked back and forth on his feet at this, while the Doctor stood stock still, his forehead creased with concern, before his features smoothed and he nodded briskly. "Right. Of course. We'll just be... over there," he pointed to a small tree a little ways away. "Take your time," he told her seriously. "All the time you need. Here," he held out the umbrella to her, "You take this."
Rose shook her head. "No, I'll be alright. The rain looks like it's about to let up anyway."
He looked dubious. "Are you're sure?"
She nodded.
"C'mon Jack." He squeezed Rose's shoulder before letting her go and pulled Jack away towards the tree on the small hill. Rose watched them as they walked away, the wind making their coats billow up behind them as they made their way into the open.
"Rose," a voice spoke from behind her. Rose turned and tried to place the man in front of her. He was wearing black from head to toe, including hat and gloves and he carried a large umbrella that covered Rose completely as he stood near. He was wearing sunglasses, which made it difficult for Rose to try to put a name to his face, though from the thin and wrinkled skin, she could tell that he was someone older.
His voice was silky smooth as he offered his condolences. "I'm so sorry, my dear, for your loss," he said. "It is terrible to lose someone so loved, so..." he paused, reaching for her hand, "So cherished. I can't imagine how you must feel at the moment."
"Th...Thank you," Rose stammered, eyes widening slightly as he raised her hand to his lips, giving her a lingering kiss. She pulled back, trying not to see rude, but feeling somewhat out of sorts by this unknown man.
"Not quite...yet." he murmured.
She looked at him strangely. "Excuse me?" Perhaps she'd misheard.
He seemed surprised at her question. "Oh, nothing my dear. Just an old man rambling." He smiled widely and Rose frowned, uncomfortable. "I'll leave you to it. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss." He made to walk away, but turned towards Rose once more before leaving and said, "Death is only the beginning, Rose. It's best to try and remember that." And with that, he turned and walked away.
Rose tried to ride him off as a crazy nutter, but couldn't help the unsettled feeling he'd created within her. Deciding to not let it get to her, she resolutely turned back to her mother's casket, which was now starting to be lowered into the ground by the graveyard employees. She was both horrified and saddened that her mother was being lowered into a hole filled with water. Rose sucked in her breath sharply and she forced herself not to think of it too much. Her mother was dead, and wouldn't know - wouldn't be able to know that she was being settled into a pool of water. Besides, they hadn't lowered her completely yet - there was some sort of pump draining the water out, or trying to at least.
Tears leaked from Rose's eyes as she desperately tried not think about it anymore. It was just too horrific a thought for anyone to really focus on. Her thoughts were unfocused, and she hurriedly tried to put something in her mind - anything to get her mind away from the water in the hole. It was simply appalling.
Kneeling down beside the casket, Rose finally succumbed to the loss she was feeling, the horror of the water now in the open grave, and the fact that her mother was being buried. It overwhelmed her, and she gasped for breath against the burning ache that now pressed against her chest.
"Oh mum," she cried. "I -." Thunder hit hard, close that time, and her words were drowned out. Her heart was pounding, and she was hunched over, overcome with a fierce, wild, sorrow, and the knowledge filled her, that there was nothing right in the world, nothing fair or sacred - not now, not ever, and she was sorry - so very sorry, for everything. The rain that had looked as if it were letting, now seemed to pour down harder, and Rose felt like screaming. It felt so appropriate, and so angering all at the same time. She cried into the rain and the water that fell to her cheeks mixed with the tears from her eyes, as they made their way, joining together, falling towards the ground. Her dress that had been damp before, now clung to her, soaking her to the bone and chilling her - and still, she cried.
She was beside herself, hysterical and lost and sad, her hands going through the motions of trying to dry her cheeks, of pushing hair out of her face as the wind blew it repeatedly back, to try and unsuccessfully keep her dress down. She didn't know if she should stay or leave.
Looking up, she saw Jack and the Doctor a few feet away from her. They'd obviously come back from the little tree on the hill after noticing what a state she was in, but were still trying to respect her wishes and give her space. The Doctor fidgeted towards her like a young stallion on new legs, wanting so desperately to come towards her and comfort her, and yet afraid to offend and overstep his bounds.
Rose stood quickly, deciding she wasn't in her right mind and wasn't ready to make any real decisions about whether she needed to stay or go, and the rain was just pouring, and her hair was now matted to her hair and she knew she looked a fright - but she looked at the Doctor and he looked at her and she needed him.
Walking towards him, she tripped, of course she did - her heels sunk deep in the mud once again, and she went down roughly, her hands meeting mud and her knees skidding. Her fingertips grazed the coffin and a jolt of electricity went through her, burning her, and she couldn't stop the cry that shot out of her.
"I've got you." Strong arms pulled her to her feet.
"What was that? My hand!" she cried. The Doctor's attention went immediately to her hands, holding them carefully in front of him as he looked them over.
"What was it?" he asked. "Are you hurt? I don't see anything."
Rose felt frantic as she focused on her burning hands, turning them over once, and then again, trying to see where she'd been burned.
"Rose, sweetheart," the Captain was there, too. "What happened?"
"I was burned!" she exclaimed in shock. "The coffin burned me!"
The Doctor looked worried and he shared a quick look with Jack. He started eyeing her face carefully, as if the problem was in her head and not in her hand. She brushed him away in annoyance.
"Well, let's see it, then," the Captain said, sensibly, reaching to hold her hands in his own. He examined them carefully, turning them over and then back. "Rose, do you see anything? Because I'm not seeing any marks."
Examining her hands, Rose couldn't see anything either, and the shock that she'd felt had dissipated into nothing, and she couldn't even locate the specific spot that she'd been burned.
"It's so strange..." she trailed off, staring at her hands and yet not, her mind lost in thought.
The Doctor stepped forward again, this time, holding his sonic screwdriver in front of him. "This isn't the first time you've been experiencing something strange the past few days, is it, Rose?" he asked.
Rose numbly shook her head.
"Right," he said authoritatively, moving into action, "Let's see what I can detect here."
He buzzed and bleeped her with his sonic screwdriver for a moment, stopping once or twice to change the settings and to look at the readings carefully, before looking back at her a bit dejectedly. "I can't find anything wrong with you."
The Captain put a casual arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She let herself sink into his warmth. He felt nice - simple and present - and she felt safe.
"Maybe you just got stung by something," Jack suggested. "Or you just pinched it on something."
Rose nodded, not really believing it but feeling the need to move on from it. "That's probably what happened - you're right. I'm sorry for making such a fuss.
"No fuss at all." Jack told her with a grin. "Couldn't be a fuss if you tried."
There was a tug at Rose's elbow, then, and she turned towards it, breaking into a sad smile when she saw who it was. Pulling away from Jack, she said, "Oh, I'm so glad you could come."
"Of course I'd come. How could you think I'd not?"
"A lot's been going on - I honestly haven't had time to think about much of anything, really."
Rose turned back to Jack and said, "This is my friend, Shireen. Shireen, this is my very good friend, Captain Jack Harkness."
Jack smiled charmingly. "A pleasure to meet you, Shireen." He leaned over, holding her hand and kissed it, charmingly.
Shireen giggled.
"Oh, stop it," the Doctor interrupted.
"I'm just saying hello," Jack replied, sarcastically, as he let go of Shireen's hand and moved over to the Doctor, pulling them both away. He winked back at Rose conspiratorially, so she'd know he was doing it on purpose - to give her a moment alone with her friend.
"He's something else, isn't he?" Shireen said.
Rose nodded, watching them walk away. She watched them walk away, feeling the loss of them more as the distance grew between them.
Shireen gave her a quick hug, patting her back sympathetically. "I'm truly sorry, Rose. I don't know what to say. It sounds daft, I know, but I just feel awful about this and I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I know there's not, and I hate this for you - that you are having to go through this, 'cause I love you and I hate that you're hurting."
Rose gave her friend a small grin. "I love you too, you know."
Shireen quickly exhaled. "Oh, I just knew I'd screw that up."
Rose couldn't help but laugh. "You mean you practiced?"
Shireen blushed. "Well, not exactly, I didn't. But when I went over major points, the rambling didn't occur so much." She smiled. "But really, Rose, is there anything you need? Anything I can do so you don't have to worry about it?"
Rose shook her head. "No, not really." She glanced back at the Doctor, who now was in deep conversation with Jack. "Everything with the funeral is done and over with. The finances are covered, thanks to the Doctor making a few calls for me. The only thing I've got to do still is to work on the flat."
"Have you decided what you are going to do with it?"
"Well, I can't just leave it, because I'm still travelling with the Doctor. I suppose I'll have to go and pack everything up in boxes and put it in storage until I can figure out what I'm doing in the future."
"So you're gonna have to pack up the entire flat?"
"Yeah," Rose sighed heavily.
"I can help you with that," Shireen offered. "I know it's gonna be a lot of work."
"That'll be good, yeah. Thanks," Rose said. "The Doctor will be there, and maybe Jack, so between the four of us, hopefully it won't take that long."
"Who is Jack?" Shireen asked, as she glanced back to the man the Doctor was talking to. "He's awfully good looking. Where did you meet him?"
Rose laughed. "He is very pretty, isn't he? Don't tell him, though, 'cause he already knows it." She glanced back at him and wasn't surprised to see him looking back at her, a smirk on his face and an eyebrow lifted in indignation.
"You sure know how to find them, don't you girl?" Shireen said jokingly jealous.
Rose beamed a bit. She couldn't help it. Thinking about them and how amazing they both were to her made her smile. She didn't reply, but her face told more than words ever would. Travelling in the TARDIS with the Doctor, and now Jack again made her happy, and she knew she'd be okay so long as she had them with her.
Shireen bit her lip and looked away then, her cheeks blushing red.
"What?" Rose asked, curious as to what thought suddenly embarrassed her friend.
"The three of you aren't...you aren't..."
"What?" Rose asked.
"You aren't together, are you?"
Rose chuckled, despite her best efforts not to. "Of course not, Shireen! What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"I wouldn't judge!" Shireen protested, laughing herself. "I mean, look at 'em! They are gorgeous."
The Doctor and Jack were both staring at the two girls now, matching smirks upon both of their faces. Rose rolled her eyes, and quickly pulled Shireen further away so that their backs were now facing the boys. They were only a few feet away, but still - they could give them a little privacy!
I'm not with either one of them," Rose replied, softly.
"Why?" Shireen asked. "Oh! Are they, you know... together?"
The Doctor suddenly started choking and Rose watched amused as Jack pounded him on the back a few times.
"No, it isn't like that."
"If you aren't dating one of them, and they aren't together, then I call dibs on one of 'em," Shireen told her cheekily.
"I think they can hear us," Rose whispered, slightly mortified at having been caught in such an awkward conversation with her mate in front of the Doctor and Jack.
Shireen giggled. "Oops, sorry." But Rose could tell she didn't really mean it. Sighing, she pulled Shireen over to a nearby bench and plopped down next to her, her heels sinking once again into the mud. She didn't care.
"You sure are making a mess of yourself, today," Shireen told her. "You'll be covered in mud from head to toe before long."
Rose let out a long, withering, sigh. "I know."
"I've got some wipes in my purse," Shireen offered. "Let me see if I can find a few."
"Thanks," Rose replied. Shireen searched her purse for a few moments before producing a handful of tissues. "These are heavy-duty, so they should do nicely."
Rose held one out and let it wet by the rain before washing her hands and face. She was about to move to the second tissue when Shireen said quietly, "I don't know how to talk to you about this."
Rose looked at her.
"I've gone over it and over it in my head, and I haven't figured out a way to bring it up. Because I want you to know that I know, and it just breaks my heart..."
"What does?" Rose interrupted. "What are you on about?"
"I saw the accident," Shireen said slowly.
Rose paled. "What? You were there?"
"I was across the street when it happened. I don't want you to think I blame you or anything - oh, I'm messing this up, I knew I would!" Shireen put her head in her hands.
"Why would you blame," Shireen looked up horrified, "or not blame me?" Rose asked, confused.
"I saw you," Shireen replied.
Rose stared at her friend in confusion. "You saw me?"
Shireen nodded and tears leaked out of her eyes. "Yes, and I'm so sorry. I know how much worse it must make this."
"Shireen, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
Shireen's voice hitched. "You were there, Rose. I'm trying to tell you that I saw the accident - I saw you."
"You saw me at the accident?" Rose asked, wanting to understand.
Shireen nodded slowly, not meeting Rose's intense look. "You ran out in the middle of the street - I had waved to you, but you didn't see me." Shireen explained, guilt written all over her features. "I yelled at you to stop, to be careful, but you didn't."
Rose's eyes narrowed, suddenly worried and suspicious at what her friend was implying.
"You ran out in the street - in front of their car."
Rose stood up. "Are you trying to tell me that you think I killed mymum and Mickey?"
Shireen stood up with her. "No! Of course not. I don't think you killed anyone, Rose. I know you didn't do it - it was only an accident. It's just a horrible thing, really. I mean, you didn't know - you couldn't have known..."
Shireen looked horrible, and Rose had to work not to stare. Shireen's clothes were slightly askew, and her mascara had left track marks down her cheeks. Her eyes had dark bags underneath, making her look as though she'd aged ten years in several days. Her hair was just awful, manky and greasy, lacking the usual shine and meticulous order. Rose realized quickly that her friend was trying to be earnest - was trying to be supportive. But she was wrong - oh so wrong, and today was just not the day Rose needed to hear, any of it. She couldn't help but feel anger towards her friend - the situation was horrific in itself, and this added development was just enough to push Rose over the precarious precipice she had been managing to hold herself upon, and she had to swallow hard to keep her anger at bay.
"I wasn't there," Rose told her, slightly short. She really didn't need this today.
Shireen's mouth dropped open. "But... I saw you, Rose. It was you - I know it was you."
"I wasn't there." Rose repeated, quickly becoming furious. "Shireen, it wasn't me." She took a deep breath before looking at Shireen directly. "I'm sorry - I just can't do this today. It's too much on top of everything else. I can't even imagine what you were thinking saying something like that to me, today of all days. I buried my mum and my best friend, today. I'm done."
Shireen took a step back. "I... I'm sorry... I knew I would mess it up. I just wanted you to know that I was there, so you could know, that you could talk to me about it. So that you didn't think you had to go through it alone. That I would understand."
Rose turned away, trying to calm herself. Her ears were ringing and her mouth felt dry. Part of her understood what Shireen was trying to say, but part of her couldn't believe what she'd just been told. How could Shireen have confused her so thoroughly with someone else, and then bring it up today - at her mum's funeral? It was more than bad timing - it was just awful all around.
"I really don't know what else to say," Rose said, talking more into the rain than to Shireen, but she knew she was heard and that was what mattered. "I think I'd better... go back over there." She raised her arm listlessly to where the Doctor and Jack were standing. Shireen didn't even look up.
"I'll call you... later, yeah?" Rose tried to keep her tone friendly, but still couldn't make herself look at Shireen again. She hadn't expected the conversation to end like this, and she felt physically ill over it. She grabbed her stomach to try and ease some of the cramping. It didn't really help.
Shireen couldn't answer, she was crying too hard. Irritated and upset and feeling unwell, Rose started towards her, prepared to ask Shireen what her problem was, wiping her own tears away as she wanted to demand what was causing Shireen's, when a pair of arms gently grasped hers, leading her back towards her mum's casket.
She jerked away, furious and shaking and cold, and decided then and there that she didn't want anyone or anything else touching her or happening to her today. She couldn't take anymore. She was done. She stomped over to where the casket was now half-way in the ground and frowned at it moodily, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Her stomach churned and she lifted her face into the rain, letting the drops cleanse the angry tears from her face. Jack walked up next to her, quiet and cautious, as if not wanting to frighten her. She rolled her eyes.
"We heard."
"I know."
"I'm sorry," he offered.
She nodded, not feeling up to much more talking today. Sighing, she leaned forward, removed her heels from her feet and sunk her bare toes in the dirt. Her feet would get filthy, but she couldn't continue to walk around sinking in the mud and falling down due to the impracticality of stilettos. She held them in one hand as she turned around, her eyes searching for those of the Doctor. She found them easily enough as he'd walked up to where she and Jack now stood in front of the open grave, and he stared back at her, his eyes full of compassion and love and sorrow.
"I guess I'm ready to go back now." She told him. He nodded and reached out a hand, taking her shoes from her to carry in one hand, as he reached out his other hand to grasp hers tightly. Jack sighed next to her and looked down, shoving his hands deep into his pant pockets.
"You're coming too, aren't you?" she asked.
Jack glanced hopefully at the Doctor. "Only if I'm wanted."
Rose glanced at the Doctor as well, and seeing his affirmative nod, she invited, "Of course you're wanted. Come on, then."
She took one step forward, and then looked back. The yellow rose that she had been carefully lain on top of the casket, had rolled off, and Rose needed to fix that before she could leave. Grabbing one last flower from a bouquet, she gently set it on top of the casket once again.
Rose gasped as a tingling sensation ran through her body, like an electric shock, starting in her fingers as they touched the coffin and running through her body directly to her heart. Sending a jolt through her body and making that hole - the one that was ever so slightly closing - gawp open again; making that empty ache grow strong and paining once more, with fervor. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like the shock had stopped all her bodily functions, preventing her from moving, or thinking.
"What is it Rose?" the Doctor asked, concerned, his arm making it's way around her waist, as if he were afraid she might keel over at any moment. She wasn't sure she could guarantee that she wouldn't, and so she allowed it.
"I don't know, exactly." Her voice trembled.
"Well, what did it feel like?"
"I don't know!" She bent over in agony as pain swept through her abdomen once again.
"Rose?" Jack asked.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." She would try to make herself believe it, even if they didn't.
"Did you see something?"
"No...yes...I don't think so. Maybe." She could barely choke out the words.
"Was it just a feeling?" The Doctor had moved in front of her, trying to make eye contact with her. The pain vanished as suddenly as it arrived and she could easily stand up again. She looked at him.
"No. It was..."
"You hunched over - where you in pain?" the Doctor interrupted.
"It didn't feel like pain, no. It was more of a...discomfort." He pulled out his sonic screwdriver and started moving it over her stomach.
"A discomfort? What kind of discomfort? Intestinal? Abdominal? Where?"
"No where specific, if that's what you're asking."
"You felt a discomfort, but not anywhere in particular." The Doctor looked dubious.
"Oh, my head hurts." She reached up and pressed her fingers to her head and rubbed, trying to ease some of the throbbing pressure.
"How badly?"
"It's pounding, the front and the sides - it's so much, Doctor. I feel like I'm gonna be sick." Rose gasped as she hunched over once again. She was not going to be sick, she kept telling herself. Not here.
"Rose, let's get you back to the TARDIS."
"No, I don't want to move. I need to stay right here."
"What? Why?" The Doctor looked a bit panicked all of a sudden, which was obvious by the now frantic gestures he was making in changing the settings on the screwdriver.
"I just know it."
"You can walk just a few steps over here, Rose. You can sit down." Jack said soothingly as he pointed to some nearby benches.
"No, I can't. I can't move."
"You can't move?" Jack asked.
"No, I need to stay here."
"Can you feel your arms and legs?" The Doctor asked, eyes dark and narrowed.
"Of course I can!"
"Then why can't you move?"
"Because I'm not supposed to!"
The Doctor and Jack looked at each other. The Doctor slipped the screwdriver back into his coat pocket.
"How do you know you aren't supposed to?" Jack questioned.
Rose thought for a moment. "I don't know. I really don't know." She frowned. "All I know is that something is wrong - very wrong, and I'm not supposed to move. I need to feel this, I need to acknowledge that something isn't right here. But I don't know what it is." She hovered her hands above the casket and flinched as her hands felt like they were on fire. She turned them over quickly, expecting them to be bright red and blistered - only they looked completely normal.
Rose looked desperately at the Doctor. "Something's very wrong."
Although the Doctor didn't look as if he had a clue what was going on, he quickly snapped into action and pulled out his sonic screwdriver again. He changed a few settings before scanning Rose, his face unreadable as he concentrated.
"Wait! Wait...Wait," the Doctor said. "Hold on."
Rose was about to respond, when she was suddenly shocked again, this time, forcing her to hunch over into herself, grasping at her abdomen and head as she felt violently ill. Her stomach contorted and her head throbbed, and she gestured helplessly, uncharacteristically lost for words.
"Oh," she said. "Doctor - I'm going to be sick."
And then as quickly as it hit her, it passed, and she had to take a few moments to check and convince herself that she was okay. The memory of the aches lingered, and it was like she had to convince her body that she really wasn't hurt. "What is going on?" she murmured to herself.
One thought resonated clear and powerful in her heart, though, and she knew it as fact, even if her mind couldn't catch up with it.
"That," she pointed, "is not my mother." She stated, staring accusatory at the coffin.
"Rose?" Jack asked her worriedly, now coming to sit next to her. "What was that? Are you okay?"
"Jack, I don't know what's going on," Rose confided. "I think something is really, really wrong with me."
He held her close, whispering reassurances in her ear as watched the Doctor take readings. He had his arm deep in the hole now, and Jack was afraid he would fall in if he wasn't more careful. Untangling himself from Rose, he excused himself with a head pointed in the Doctor's direction. Rose quickly followed his train of thought, urging him to hurry and catch him before he fell. Jack jumped up and grabbed hold of the Doctor's coat, and the Doctor eased back into a comfortable standing position. He looked even more confused and serious as he clambered between Rose and the casket, changing the control setting on the screwdriver every few moments to test for something new.
"Ah - there it is," the Doctor said, a smile beginning to make itself across his face.
"What is it Doctor?" Jack asked, peering over the Doctor's shoulder as the Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver into the ground where the casket now lay. It bleeped and lit up, and the Doctor quickly moved to the end of the casket, scanning it in the same way before running the sonic screwdriver lengthwise down the casket and back up again. Jumping up and bumping into the Captain, almost knocking his head against Jack's chin, he exclaimed, "Rose!"
Jack grabbed the Doctor's shoulders to steady him, and maybe himself, as Rose sat up still holding her head. "What is it?" she asked.
"My glasses! I need my glasses!" He shoved his hands into his coat pockets, pulling out miscellaneous things and dropping them on the ground as he went. A yo-yo and rubber duck, a granola bar and an envelope, a few heavy-weight rocks that looked like paperweights - they all went to the ground.
"Was that a rubber duck?" Jack murmured, dryly. "Kinky, Doc."
The Doctor frowned in his direction as he pulled out a few more trinkets and added them to the pile on the ground. "Ah-ha!" he exclaimed, pulling on a pair of white 3D glasses. "Oh - there it is!
"What is it?" Rose asked.
"Well?" the Doctor waited. "Isn't anyone going to ask me what's with the glasses?"
"What's with the glasses?" Rose asked quickly.
"I can finally see, that's what!"
Rose felt convinced that he'd finally lost his mind. He was now swaying back and forth as he leaned towards the casket in the ground.
"Doctor?" Jack questioned.
"Look!" The Doctor handed the glasses to Jack, who put them on. Jack stumbled back saying, "Woah!"
"What are you doing?" Rose asked, now wondering what the two of them could possibly be seeing. Jack was now rocking left and right, his face also lighting up with a smile.
"I see it!" Jack exclaimed. "But...what is it, Doc?'
"What is it? What do you see?" Rose demanded. "One of you had better start talking, right now!"
"Look for yourself," Jack said, pulling the glasses off of his face and settling them over Rose's eyes. Rose glanced at the Doctor, and he nodded back reassuringly.
Turning her head back towards the casket, she was startled as something in her vision swam forward, as if coming from the Doctor. It was greenish-black and floated around the Doctor, like a moving aura made out of pixels. Shining dust particles floating where nothing should be, and Rose couldn't help herself from shaking her head, back and forth, watching them move and swirl more with every turn of her head.
"What...is this?" she asked, reaching out as if to touch the dancing particles.
"Void Stuff," the Doctor replied.
"Void Stuff," she repeated, not understanding.
"Oh yes, I get it now," Jack said all of a sudden. "Rose, this could be good."
Rose's eyes narrowed at Jack. What was she missing? Why was no one talking? What was going on?
The Doctor stepped forward, explaining, "Anyone who travels through separate worlds, travels through the void at some point or another. It's the mass of nothing that is between two separate worlds."
"A mass of nothing?" she whispered.
"Some people call it hell." His voice was uncharacteristically solemn.
Rose shook her head. "No, I don't understand."
"In our travels in the TARDIS, Rose," the Doctor explained, "when we jump in time and space, we sometimes slip between parallel worlds, before the TARDIS can right herself down the correct path. We've all been exposed at some point or another."
"Okay," Rose said slowly. "Sort of like radiation poisoning, without the dying effect."
"Exactly."
"How come you've never mentioned it before?"
He looked at her strangely. "I don't mention a lot of things we travel through - it'd be impossible to list as we move so quickly. It's just sort of like... a space garbage landfill. Nothing there to see or look at, but it exists and we go through it from time to time. Nothing worth putting the brakes on and taking a peek."
"But I still don't understand what this has to do with mum."
The Doctor turned her to face the coffin. "Look at the casket."
Rose did, and gasped. The Void Stuff was covering the coffin, swirling and moving around her mum - disappearing into the coffin before circling back and around.
"What..." she stammered, her eyes filling with tears and she felt barely on the edge of control and reason. The Doctor came forward and gathered her in his arms, just stroking her hair gently as he held her.
"Jackie never went with us. Your mum would not have void goo surrounding her."
Rose took a moment to let that sink in. Her heart fluttered in her chest, the first flicker of hope filled her and she fought the urge to push it back down.
"So what you're saying is..." She looked helplessly at the Doctor.
"Rose," he took a deep breath. "You were right. That is not your mother."
...