Chapter 13: Family is Just Accident
Family is just accident... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman
Yong Qi went back to the bedroom and sat down, his heart heavy. Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi looked at him expectantly.
"She is gone," he said simply. They just nodded. "I can't decide whether she's just delusional or in denial or had really gone insane, because she still believes that she'll be able to get me back, somehow."
Neither Zi Wei nor Xiao Yan Zi commented, though they did exchange a dumbfounded look. Then there was a short silence, until Zi Wei stood up.
"Xiao Gui Zi returned with the medicine, Yong Qi. I'll go prepare it. And meanwhile I'll cook us some lunch as well."
"Do you want help?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.
Zi Wei looked a bit horrified. "Erm...no, thanks, Xiao Yan Zi. I'm sure I'll manage..."
Yong Qi chuckled, despite everything. Xiao Yan Zi put on an injured look. "I can cook now, you know."
Yong Qi said, "It's true, Zi Wei. I've lived on her cooking all these years and haven't died yet..."
This earned him a slap on the arm from his wife. Zi Wei just smiled. "No, I'll be fine, Xiao Yan Zi."
There was a short silence after Zi Wei left, not entirely comfortable either, as both of them searched around for a topic to talk about that didn't involve Zhi Hua.
"Ru Yi must have been really exhausted," Xiao Yan Zi said finally. "I just changed her into some of my old clothes and she didn't even stir once through it all."
"Well, at least this sleep won't be filled with the fumes of Mi Hun Xiang, and will actually let her get some rest. I think the Mi Hun Xiang just makes her that much more tired."
"You know, Zi Wei really wasn't kidding when she said this place was left completely untouched after we left. I mean, all my clothes are just as I left them. And I expected them to be at least a bit musty from being in a closet all these years but they're quite fresh. Apparently, according to Zi Wei, this place gets aired thoroughly once a month or something."
"So we should feel right at home?" Yong Qi said dryly.
Xiao Yan Zi smiled. "How exactly at home do you feel right now?"
Yong Qi just looked around the room with a regretful look on his face and shook his head. "It's all Zhi Hua here now, isn't it? This place hasn't been mine for a long time now. But I don't regret it."
Er Kang returned later to Jing Yang Gong for lunch, having taken Liu Cao and Liu Tang to Zhong Ren Fu and Zhi Hua to Jing Xin Yuan.
"Should we wake Jian Jun and Jian Wen for lunch?" Zi Wei asked.
"No, just let them sleep a little longer," Xiao Yan Zi answered, who was tucking the covers back around her daughter. She had woken Ru Yi just a moment before for her medicine before letting her go back to sleep.
"They're two teenage boys, Zi Wei, they'll wake themselves if they're hungry," Yong Qi smiled.
Lunch was rather a quiet affair as none of them felt like talking much about the morning's happenings. What exactly could be said after such a morning, anyway? If Yong Qi thought the first morning of seeing Zhi Hua again after seventeen years was emotionally draining, he knew this morning had surpassed that by a wide berth. He didn't allow himself to think about what this morning really meant just yet. It would make him even more tired and at the moment he needed to keep his head to worry about Ru Yi.
"Wake up, boys," Xiao Yan Zi shook her sons awake a few hours into the afternoon.
They sat up and looked around blearily.
"Where are we, Mother?" Jian Jun asked, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.
Xiao Yan Zi chuckled. "Jing Yang Gong, the palace. Get up. I've had your baths drawn; you haven't had one since you left Dali, have you? It's disgusting - "
" - It's not as if it's our fault, Mother," Jian Wen grumbled.
Xiao Yan Zi just went on, "Jian Jun, in here. Jian Wen, next door, in the next guest bedroom. I've laid out some of your father's old clothes for you. They'll be a bit big for you, Jian Wen, but they'll do for now."
"Why would Father's clothes be here?" Jian Wen asked.
"We lived here," Xiao Yan Zi explained. "This was his house, you know."
They both looked at her blankly.
"Do you remember your father telling you about his real identity as Wu Ah Ge, don't you?"
"Yes."
"So this was where we lived before we left the palace - your father and I."
"Oh."
They looked around room with a bit of a dazed expression on their faces. The identical facial expressions made Xiao Yan Zi want to laugh, but she just stifled it and said, "All right now, take your baths and then you can have something to eat, then we can get out of here. Jian Wen, come, I'll take you next door."
As Xiao Yan Zi showed him into the other room, Jian Wen muttered, "How many rooms does this house have anyway?"
"A few," Xiao Yan Zi smiled, before leaving and closing the door behind her.
Xiao Yan Zi entered the master bedroom again to Yong Qi and Zi Wei.
"Where's Er Kang?" she asked, sitting down at the table.
"Er Kang is off gathering some people to go and rescue your brother tomorrow," Zi Wei told her.
"Ah."
"Zi Wei, did you say that Zhi Hua basically left the house untouched all these years?" Yong Qi asked suddenly.
"Yes, why?"
He stood up and went to a drawer and started rummaging through it.
"What are you doing?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.
"Just a moment...ah, here."
He pulled out a small box wrapped in gold cloth. He placed it on the table in front of Xiao Yan Zi.
"This was supposed to be your twenty-fourth birthday present," he said.
"My - what? But you gave me a - " She paused and thought for a moment. " - Actually, what did you give me for my twenty-fourth birthday?"
"I didn't give you a present."
"You didn't? Why?"
It was Zi Wei who answered with a smile, "Because two days before it, you had that huge fight about whether Zhi Hua hit herself against the closet or not and you went storming off to Xue Shi Fu. Then your birthday came and he was too stubborn and prideful to come and see you. When he did three days later, you were so hurt that you told him you didn't love him anymore."
Yong Qi continued, "Then by the time we called a truce, we were too busy trying to save your brother's life and rushing off to save Er Kang from Burma that I forgot all about it. And it's still where I left it all these years."
"Oh," she said simply, remembering now.
"It's kind of ironic, really, why I didn't get to give it to you on time, considering what the present is," he smiled.
"What is it?"
"I think the customary method of finding out what a present is, is to open it." He sat down beside her.
Xiao Yan Zi untied the cloth to reveal a box small lacquered box about the size of a book. She opened the box and found another identical box, smaller, just fitted inside. She lifted the second box out, feeling that it was quite heavy, and opened it. Just as she was beginning to suspect, inside was yet another box. She looked up at Yong Qi to find him smiling at her with an amused twinkle in his eyes. Zi Wei was shaking with silent laughter as she, too, realised that inside this third box, there would be another box again, just smaller. Xiao Yan Zi kept opening the boxes until she got down to a small box that fitted just into the palm of her hand.
"This is a very small present then, Yong Qi," Xiao Yan Zi said, raising an eyebrow at him. He just smiled. "Or the present is a set of boxes with nothing in them."
"Open that one. I hope it's still there."
"What is? Another box?"
Yong Qi laughed. "No. Just open it."
She opened the last box to reveal a simple ring with tiny dark red and pink glittering stones alternating all around both edges of the ring, leaving a band of white gold running in the middle of the two lines of gemstones. She looked up at Yong Qi for an explanation. He never gave her jewellery for a gift before, knowing that she didn't wear them much.
"Look on the inside the ring," he told her.
She did, and saw that on the inside of the ring, the following words were engraved: Never doubt I love.
"The red stones are garnets, the pink ones are rose quartz," he said softly. "Garnet is known as the stone of commitment; it represents devotion, love and faithfulness. Rose quartz is known as the stone of gentle love, especially in a marriage, bringing peace and calm to relationships. It apparently helps whoever wears it feel a strong sense of self-worth, therefore being worth love and able to feel love more strongly. A ring is an unbroken circle, with no beginning and no end, representing wholeness and eternity."
"And you thought I needed all this then?" she asked with a smile.
"I had it made after all that grief we went through with finding out the truth about your family and then Zhi Hua...I was going to give it to you before your birthday but then so many things happened, I never got around to, and even for your birthday I never got around to it, either. Maybe I should have, because we certainly needed some peace and calm around then. I can't believe I forgot about it when we left."
"Well, considering we left in a tearing hurry, I can't blame you. Do I have to put it on myself?" she smiled cheekily.
Yong Qi smiled and took the ring out of the box and slipped it gently on her left ring finger. Then, he pulled her into his lap and kissed her firmly on the mouth. Xiao Yan Zi let herself enjoy the kiss for a moment, before pushing him away, blushing slightly, looking around, expecting Zi Wei to be there, but she was no where to be seen.
"Where's Zi Wei gone?"
"She probably had enough sense to know when to make herself scarce," Yong Qi chuckled and pulled her down for another kiss.
"Ru Yi..." Xiao Yan Zi murmured.
"Ru Yi's asleep," Yong Qi said against her lips.
Xiao Yan Zi pulled away. "The last time you were sure the children were asleep, Ji Xiang nearly walked in on us."
Yong Qi just smiled. "I think it's safe to say Ru Yi is really asleep right now."
This time, Xiao Yan Zi couldn't resist the temptation of his kisses.
"So do you like the present? Even if it is nearly twenty years too late."
She just smiled and kissed him deeply again.
But their privacy was short-lived. A few moments later, the door burst open and Jian Wen started to walk in.
"Mother - " He stopped dead and turned several shades of red at seeing the sight before him.
With the resignation gained from years of being interrupted like this by children and patients alike, Yong Qi reluctantly pulled away from Xiao Yan Zi.
"Yes, Jian Wen?" Xiao Yan Zi said to her son, who was now looking anywhere but at her.
"No, nothing," he squeaked and exited the room. "Sorry."
With that, he fled from the room before either of his parents could react. Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi looked at each other, Yong Qi with a slightly nettled look on his face, and Xiao Yan Zi barely able to keep her laughter in check. In fact, her shoulders were shaking. Then Yong Qi startled chuckling and she couldn't hold her laughter back any longer either.
As soon as Yong Qi started talking about properties of garnet, Zi Wei had heard enough to know that she was definitely not needed in the room anymore and so headed to the study. When she heard one of the other doors opening, she went out into the hall to see Jian Jun coming out from one of the guest rooms.
"Jian Jun, come in here," she called with a hint of a smile. "I really wouldn't interrupt your parents now, if I were you."
Jian Jun seemed to shudder a bit at what Zi Wei just implied but followed her into the study nonetheless.
"Erm..." Jian Jun stammered a bit, looking unsure how to address Zi Wei.
"I am your father's sister, so you may just address me accordingly," Zi Wei smiled.
"Aunt?"
"Yes?"
"My mother said we were leaving? Where are we going?"
"To my house. Your sister is already there with my children. I don't know how much your parents have told you about everything, but everyone else in the palace believe both your parents are dead, so it will not do for them to stay here. But we shan't leave till nightfall though. You missed lunch. Do you want something to eat or do you want to wait for your brother?"
"I'll wait for Jian Wen."
Speaking of his brother, at that very moment, Jian Wen - there was no better word - stumbled into the room, looking rather flustered.
"What happened to you?" Jian Jun asked.
"Nothing," he shook his head frantically.
Zi Wei laughed. "You walked in on your parents?"
Jian Wen just grimaced, looking rather nauseated. This made Zi Wei laugh even harder.
"Jian Wen," Jian Jun groaned. "You know the unwritten rule! Never go into a room with Mother and Father inside without knocking first."
Jian Wen wrinkled his nose. "Yeah well - "
"Why are you so flustered anyway?" his brother asked. "It's not as if it's the first time you've walked in on them."
"Yeah but the last time was a while ago. How was I supposed to know they still - Ru Yi was in there!" Jian Wen retorted.
"Asleep," Yong Qi said as he entered the room. This made Zi Wei, who had just stopped laughing to gain her breath, overcome with giggles again.
"Sorry," Zi Wei gasped through giggles as Yong Qi shot her a withering look. Then, after she had regained her breath a bit, she said, more calmly, "You do realise that being back in Xiao Yan Zi's company is about the only thing that can manage this?"
"Manage what? Reduce the cool and proper Zi Wei Ge Ge into a giggling fifteen-year-old?"
"Yes!"
Yong Qi rolled his eyes. "I'm sure she's flattered. Actually she wants to talk to you."
Still smiling, Zi Wei made her way to the door. Before she went out, however, she leaned in and whispered in her brother's ear, "Trust me, Yong Qi, I raised three boys who can't learn to knock even if the concept was knocked into them, I know exactly how you feel."
Yong Qi just gave her a look, which made her laugh again. Then she walked out of the room, leaving Yong Qi to face his sons.
"Not one word, either of you," Yong Qi told his sons with a warning tone and a smirk. "I dare say you will understand when you catch fancy in a girl."
Both of them suddenly seemed to be dissolved in coughs.
Yong Qi just shook his head. "That is not exactly a subject I want to talk about now, but be assured it will be...soon." His sons now both sported horrified looks and turned an interesting shade of red. Yong Qi shook his head again at their discomfort, before saying, "Right now, you should have something to eat first. Your mother is waking Ru Yi. After you've eaten, your mother thinks we should tell you the truth about everything before we leave here."
This finally piqued their interest while it made Yong Qi lose some of the light-heartedness he just had. He shrugged the discomfort aside and led his sons to the dining room, and thence to the bedroom after they have eaten.
"Are you sure you're up to sitting through this, Ru Yi?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.
"I want to hear," she said softly, though she still looked very pallid.
Xiao Yan Zi exchanged a look with Yong Qi but didn't say anything else. Yong Qi, with Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei's help, began telling his children his whole story - everything from when he met their mother to the end, when they left the palace. Reliving the whole story was not a comfortable experience, but he knew he couldn't hold anything back from his children now, not when fate had thrown them back so callously into the palace again.
The truth left all three of his children dumbfounded for a long moment, all of them staring at their parents in shock.
"Well?" Xiao Yan Zi probed finally, when they didn't say anything for a long time.
"Does - does - Ji Xiang know this?" Jian Jun asked faintly, finally.
"Yes, now she does," Yong Qi sighed. "She had to while she was staying at Fu residence. Besides, she met Zhi Hua a while ago. That day was actually how Zhi Hua knew I was at Xue Shi Fu and I assume, started this plan to kidnap you."
"You married her to save our uncle's life?" Jian Wen asked shakily.
"Yes."
"But you never loved her?" Jian Jun queried. He was looking at Yong Qi so steadily and determinedly that for a moment, Yong Qi felt like he was the son, being interrogated about having doing something naughty. The notion almost made him laugh.
"As I said to you earlier, no. Never. Even if I ever had any good feelings for her, after what she just did, those have all been lost."
"But then why?" Jian Wen persisted. "I mean, why would your own grandmother make you marry someone you don't even love?"
Yong Qi looked at his son in wonder for a moment, before saying, almost to himself, "Sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing that you all grew up thinking a marriage has to be based on love."
"What do you mean?" Jian Jun asked.
"I mean, your mother and I happened to be in love and married for love. But the reality is, we don't even have to look as far as the imperial family, even with everyday people out there, love is not a prerequisite for marriage. Marriage happens for all sorts of reasons. Do you know how many people out there get married without ever having seen their future spouse before?"
"Yes, that is all well, Father," Jian Wen said impatiently, "but exactly is a marriage that came about by blackmail and force going to ever work?"
"It just would not work in the sense that it won't bring good feelings into the marriage. But most people deal with it by living with it. Ignore the reasons and coexist. I just happened to take a rather drastic way out of it - a way out that, believe me, not very many people would ever even consider taking."
"So why did she kidnap us?" Ru Yi asked.
"She wanted to blackmail me into staying back, to come back here to the palace."
The children exchanged a look that asked their question even before they could think of the words to form it.
"I am not going back to the palace," Yong Qi said firmly. "I cannot go back to the palace and take up the titles I left behind. I knew that when I left and I left accepting that. So yes, we will be going back to Dali eventually, after Ru Yi recovers."
"That is also why we can't stay in the palace for long," Xiao Yan Zi explained. "We will be leaving tonight to go to Zi Wei's house."
"You are a prince?" Jian Wen exclaimed, loudly, suddenly, as if he was just turning the truth over in his head and grasping it now.
"Was."
"You only are not a prince in title, Brother," Zi Wei said, smiling, "but in person, you are still very much Ai Xin Jue Luo Yong Qi. Though I suppose we should not hope you to be anyone else."
"This is very - " Jian Jun started and then trailed off.
"Very - ?" Yong Qi prompted.
"Weird..."
Xiao Yan Zi chuckled. "Weird? Is that all you can say?"
"What could we say?" Ru Yi asked, looking very faint; whether it was because of her illness or because of the information, Yong Qi could not be sure.
"Your sister had a lot to say, trust me," Yong Qi said ironically. Then he turned serious and looked at his three children sincerely, "I just want to stress this. None of this new information you're getting now, none of it will change anything in our family."
They all gave him a look that told him they didn't believe a word of what he said.
"It wouldn't change anything? Father, you've just told us that we've got a whole host of relatives that we didn't know exist and who don't know we exist," Jian Jun said. "And that's not even mentioning the fact that - that the Emperor...is our - "
He looked for a moment like he didn't even dare to say it.
Yong Qi gave a small smile. "Yes, but to be honest, very few of those relatives would ever have any impact on our lives. Other than the Fu family and the Emperor, to everyone else, I am dead. What I mean was that both your mother and I are still who were always are. We may have kept the truth about our past from you, but we have never kept who we really are, as people, from you. I want all of you to understand that."
They all just nodded slightly but didn't say any more for a long time.
In that silence, Yong Qi found himself wondering why they were taking all this so calmly compared to how Ji Xiang took it. Then again, Ji Xiang had always been the one with the quick temper, inherited from both Xiao Yan Zi and him. She had always been quick to react. Besides, Ji Xiang never met Zhi Hua when she was told the truth. These three, after what they've just gone through at the hands of Zhi Hua, Yong Qi suspected it was easier for them to see why he left Zhi Hua.
Jian Wen frowned for a moment, then said tentatively, "Can I ask something?"
"Go on," Yong Qi said.
"You said you had another son...right? With - her?"
"Hmmm." Yong Qi thought that even if he had to anticipate talks with his sons about women, this talk about this particular woman would surely be the most awkward talk ever.
"If he had lived, would you had left?"
Yong Qi was quiet for a long moment, so long that it was Xiao Yan Zi who broke the silence, "I would not have let him leave if that was the case."
Both Yong Qi and Zi Wei looked at her with expressions of total disbelief.
"You say that now, Xiao Yan Zi," Zi Wei said gently, "but the state you were in then, I am not so sure..."
"Maybe, but if I did think rationally about it, I don't think I could do it, I don't think I could ask...I grew up without parents! I would not wish that on any child, even if it meant - "
Zi Wei still looked at her sceptically while Yong Qi remained silent still. For a while, it was as though he didn't intend to answer the question at all. Then, suddenly, he turned to Xiao Yan Zi.
"Do you know what it's like to grow up knowing your father never loved your mother and had you more or less out of obligation?" he asked.
"No," Xiao Yan Zi answered.
"I do."
Xiao Yan Zi was about to answer to that, but then the meanings of his words sank into her. She stared at him in disbelief. Even Zi Wei looked amazed.
Xiao Yan Zi spluttered, "But - but - your mother, she was a gui fei - and Huang Ah Ma adores you - "
"She was a gui fei because she had a son. Huang Ah Ma's preference for me after I was born had nothing to do with my mother. He appreciated her talents and made her his concubine because she was pretty enough, but he made clear his lack of any real feelings for her. I'm not saying he treated her badly; he just never showed he even remotely liked her. There was a part of my childhood when I wasn't too - appreciative, shall we say - of Huang Ah Ma, especially right after my mother died."
"Then?" Xiao Yan Zi asked in a small voice. Yong Qi very rarely talked of his childhood, even less of his mother. Xiao Yan Zi never asked why, but then she didn't particularly like talking about her childhood either, so she never pried into his.
He shrugged. "Then I grew up and realised that, quite frankly, Huang Ah Ma loved very few of his concubines. In fact, I think the number of women Huang Ah Ma had ever truly loved can be counted on one hand. And I moved on, realising that hating Huang Ah Ma about this wasn't going to change who he was, and that this was basically one of his faults that I would just have to accept. But trust me, I would not wish that childhood on any child."
"So you are saying you still would have left?" Zi Wei asked quietly.
Yong Qi sighed. "I don't know. I told Zhi Hua yes when she asked, but then, I was caught up in resenting her, I was thinking more of what she would do if I stayed. But which is worse? That I stay and for him to see that I don't love his mother, or that he grows up without a father?"
No one answered him.
"That's hardly relevant now, is it?" he muttered after a while.
Yong Qi turned back to his children after another long silence. "The truth is," he said, "all of you are, by birth, direct male-line descendents of the Emperor, thus are true princes and princesses of the blood. If there is anything you want to blame me for, you could blame me for taking you away from the rights of your birth."
"What did you take us away from?" Jian Wen asked, as if he could not dare to imagine.
Yong Qi gestured around the room. "All this, and more. Titles. More money than you could possibly imagine. Being completely and utterly spoiled. Probably even the throne, eventually, in the future, for one of you."
"And probably a few more stepmothers and brothers and sisters," Xiao Yan Zi added dryly. Yong Qi gave a terse laugh. Xiao Yan Zi went on, "Honestly, all this - and life in the palace - they're not what they're cut out to be, and I'm not just saying this. I really mean it."
Yong Qi looked at his children seriously, "I can tell you this, from experience, that despite all the luxury and wealth, a childhood in the imperial court is not a childhood at all. At least, it is not one I would want any of you to have to go through. I am glad that I was able to spare you all of that. Would any of you have wanted to grow up with Zhi Hua as a stepmother?"
"No!" they all exclaimed immediately. It was almost funny, really, how uniformly they answered this, and how quickly, with such conviction and horror.
"If you think realistically, Zhi Hua would not have been the only one either," Xiao Yan Zi added grudgingly. Zi Wei suddenly made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh.
Yong Qi grimaced. "No."
The significance of this single syllable was not lost on his children. Another silence descended on the room as they were all lost in their thoughts again.
It was only Ru Yi's wince of pain that brought them back to the present.
"Ru Yi?" Xiao Yan Zi asked worriedly. Ru Yi just scrunched up in pain and lay back down on the bed, cradling her head. Yong Qi quickly went over and felt her forehead. Her fever had not dropped and she still looked ashen, as if the sleep didn't do her any good at all. Though he wryly thought that all the shock of what he just revealed to her couldn't have helped her illness, either.
"I shouldn't have told you all this just now," he said worriedly.
"It's not what you've just told me," she said weakly. "I just feel dizzy, and my neck still hurts."
"I'm sorry, darling, there is little to do to relieve that except lying down and rest and massaging the muscles. They seem very tight." He was lost in thoughts for a moment, then he gave Xiao Yan Zi a look that told her he was suspecting more of Ru Yi's illness than he wanted to say when Ru Yi was awake and could hear. Then he shook his head slightly. "Try not to think much of things now, Ru Yi. Just get some rest."
Ru Yi could do little more than nodding. In truth, she didn't feel up to doing much than just closing her eyes and wishing her dizziness away, never mind much thinking.
Yong Qi went on, "I know you all probably have questions, but I think you all need a little time digest all this. Talk to Ji Xiang about it if you want to, when you see her. But remember what I said. Nothing changes. Nothing should change."
An announcement from the outside came, halting any further conversation on this topic.
"Huang Shang arrives! Fu Da ren arrives!"
"I'll go - er - stall them for a while," Zi Wei said, standing up. "I think your children need a minute to get used to the idea of meeting Huang Ah Ma."
Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi exchanged a wry smile.
"We're meeting the Emperor?" Jian Jun squeaked. Both he and Jian Wen suddenly looked like they were being subjected to some dire punishment and Ru Yi looked even paler, if that was possible.
"He is also your grandfather. Just relax," Xiao Yan Zi tried to sooth them.
"Relax?" Jian Wen repeated, looking at her like she was insane. His voice was suddenly very high. Jian Wen's voice had started to break about a year ago but he had recently got past the squeaky stage. Now, it seemed like the shock of everything had made his lose control of his pitch again.
"Forget the fact that he's the Emperor," Yong Qi said, knowing it would never work. Huang Ah Ma had a way of making sure everyone knew he was the Emperor. "Imagine this just as meeting your grandfather."
"That is worse, to think we have a grandfather that we've never met in our entire life! It would make more sense that we never met him if he was the Emperor," Jian Jun said, his voice shaky.
"Maybe you are right. But really, relax. I know it's hard," Yong Qi said, looking at them sympathetically.
"No you don't," Ru Yi whispered.
Xiao Yan Zi looked like she wanted to laugh at their nervousness but didn't have the heart to. She just patted Ru Yi hand comfortingly, just in time for Qian Long to enter the room with Er Kang and Zi Wei following.
"Huang Ah Ma ji xiang," Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi chorused.
Qian Long waved a hand, indicating them to straighten. Then he looked at them with an expectant smile.
While Xiao Yan Zi went to sit on the edge of the bed with Ru Yi, Yong Qi turned and motioned his sons forward.
"Huang Ah Ma, this is my eldest, Jian Jun. And my second youngest, Jian Wen."
Qian Long nodded approvingly as the two boys kowtowed to him. Then he leaned down to personally raise them up to their feet. Yong Qi turned to Ru Yi and finished, "And Ru Yi, my youngest daughter."
"And the apple of your eye, I'm sure," Qian Long said fondly. Yong Qi smiled.
Ru Yi, being in bed, could not kowtow to her grandfather so she could only whisper a greeting. Yong Qi wasn't sure whether the whisper was due to fear and hesitance or due to her fatigue.
Qian Long turned to Xiao Yan Zi. "I have just noticed, Xiao Yan Zi, that when I met you, Ji Xiang and Ru Yi, you've all been stuck in bed. Is this some kind of pattern you're trying to make?"
"Huang Ah Ma," Xiao Yan Zi said with a hint of pout, but with a smile.
Then, he looked at Yong Qi with an amused expression, "You know, Yong Qi, if your children are anything like you were at this age, then you would be feeling all my pains. Though from what I've seen of Ji Xiang and now of them, I would say otherwise."
Yong Qi let out a short laugh. "Huang Ah Ma, I think I can safely say they are not half as spoiled as I was at that age. It is not possible to be so."
"You? Spoiled?" Zi Wei exclaimed. "I beg to differ - "
Er Kang let out a very suspicious cough. Yong Qi just smiled.
Qian Long shook his head and said, "Doubt it, Zi Wei, but your favourite brother could be very - shall we say, difficult - at one time."
"Difficult is one word for it," Er Kang muttered. "Tyrannical. Stubborn. Arrogant. Prideful. Brat. There's a few more."
"Er Kang!" his wife admonished. Then she paused. "Ok, I can't argue with stubborn, but honestly, the others?"
"It's true! There was a time when I thought he was the most annoying thing on the face of the earth and for some insane reason my brother was his best friend! Thus he was always at my house! Talk about too close for comfort!"
Yong Qi laughed. "And you could exactly tell me to go away, either."
"No!"
Yong Qi tuned to his sister. "Face it, Zi Wei, I was a boy once...very difficult to deal with, at that. It was all the perks of growing up as a prince."
"You're still difficult," Xiao Yan Zi said stoutly. Yong Qi just looked at her with a mock appraising glare.
"Joking aside, we need to talk about how we will leave tonight," Er Kang said.
"Yes," Qian Long nodded. "Well, you will leave through Shen Wu Men, it is the closest gate from here."
"But then we'd have to go through the garden to get to it Huang Ah Ma. Wouldn't that risk us bumping into someone?" Yong Qi protested.
"As opposed to trekking all the way out to the outer court to take one of the other gates? Do not take the direct route through the garden, go around the palace walls. It takes a little longer but it is more secluded that way. Either way, I will take you to the gate. After all, then if we do run into someone I can send them on their way fast enough without their having too much of a look at my entourage."
They talked for a while about the plans to leave that evening as well as Er Kang's plans for the morning, then it was time to prepare to leave. Xiao Yan Zi was glad that all her possessions were still in place because she didn't think she would have enjoyed going through Zhi Hua's clothes for something to wrap Ru Yi up in when they left.
Yong Qi did manage to talk to Qian Long about securing good positions for Xiao Gui Zi and Xiao Sun Zi in the future.
They made their way through the buildings of the palace to Shen Wu Men. It was a cloudy night, blocking out most of the light of the moon. They went without Qian Long's usual army of servants and guards, but with just their party and Qian Long's one single trusted eunuch, Xiao Lu Zi. In a way, this in itself might have been telltale that something suspicious was up, but no one would dare ask the Emperor what he was doing sneaking around the palace with only two lanterns and without the usual number of attendants.
They were able to reach the waiting carriage at Shen Wu Men without meeting anyone but the odd servants now and then who, of course, stayed away with a wide distance.
"Huang Ah Ma, perhaps Er Kang should see you back to Yang Xin Dian," Yong Qi said when they've reached the gate.
Er Kang seconded the suggestion. "Huang Ah Ma, please let me see you back to Yang Xin Dian, then I can come back here and leave with everyone."
Qian Long waved the suggestion away. "Nonsense, I can get back on my own. Besides, there is Xiao Lu Zi."
"Huang Ah Ma, please, I insist," Er Kang added and Yong Qi, Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi all nodded for emphasis.
"Please, Huang Ah Ma, it will make us feel a lot better if you let Er Kang take you safely back," Yong Qi said.
After some persuading from the four of them, Qian Long did let Er Kang escort him back to Yang Xin Dian while everyone else waited in the carriage for Er Kang.
"Ru Yi? Are you warm enough, baby?" Xiao Yan Zi asked worriedly, looking at her daughter, as they settled in the carriage.
"Yes, Mother," she grumbled, annoyance clear in her voice. "You've only asked me this a million times today. And don't call me baby."
Her brothers laughed and Yong Qi patted her hand. "It's nice to hear you sounding a bit like yourself again, precious."
"You didn't complain before," Xiao Yan Zi said with a hint of a smile. Ru Yi just looked at her, disgruntled.
Zi Wei smiled at the scene. "I take it you don't enjoy being the youngest, Ru Yi?" she asked.
"No," Ru Yi said sullenly. "It's bad enough everyone treats me like a baby, I don't need to be called that as well."
Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi just smiled while he patted her head gently.
Then, a voice from the outside sounded out.
"Whose carriage is this?"
It sounded like a child's voice. Zi Wei opened the window and looked out. Yong Qi could see over his sister's shoulder, that outside was what appeared to be a little boy, about eight years old, with his nanny. The inside of the carriage was too dark for the boy to see him, however.
"He Xiao," Zi Wei said, "what are you doing out here at this time?"
He Xiao? Yong Qi thought, confused. He would not have been surprised if the child was named Yong something, but He Xiao?
"Zi Wei Jie jie ji xiang," He Xiao greeted Zi Wei, not with a curtsy, but with a bow like a boy. "I was just returning home. Are you returning to Xue Shi Fu?"
"Yes, I am just waiting for my husband." Zi Wei turned to the nanny, "Get Shi Ge Ge back home, it is very late for her to be out."
"Yes, Ge Ge."
He Xiao and her nanny left, and Zi Wei turned back to a very confused Yong Qi.
Zi Wei chuckled at his expression and explained before he could ask. "Huang Ah Ma's tenth daughter, Shi Ge Ge, otherwise known as Gu Lun He Xiao Ge Ge, her mother is Dun Fei who I don't think you know. She's eight."
Xiao Yan Zi laughed. "I love how people are introduced in this family. You say the rank and title before we even get to the name. Of course, always clarify who their mother is."
"Eight years old?" Yong Qi asked, his eyebrows raised.
Zi Wei chuckled. "Yes. And yes, I do know how you feel. It's very disconcerting that our sister is younger than all our children."
"Why is she dressed as a boy?" Yong Qi asked.
"She was supposed to be a boy," Zi Wei smiled. "Well, no, not really, but Huang Ah Ma did have hopes."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"He Xiao is Huang Ah Ma's youngest child. His second youngest is Shi Qi Ah Ge Yong Lin, Ling Fei Niang Niang's son, who was born just after you left. So, by the time He Xiao was expected, it had been over eight years since Huang Ah Ma last had a child. Needless to say, Huang Ah Ma was ecstatic at the news. He had hoped she would be a boy and trust me, he laments much about it now. I think she would give Shi Wu Ah Ge, or even you, come to think of it, serious competition for the throne if she had been born a boy."
Yong Qi was amazed. "She's eight! Even if she was a boy, how could Huang Ah Ma even consider?"
Zi Wei shrugged. "I think if she was a boy, she'd have all that Huang Ah Ma would want in a successor. Even now, she's getting a very unfeminine education. She rides, go on hunts with Huang Ah Ma, accompanies Huang Ah Ma to see his officials, knows more about state matters than I do."
"I sense you've been usurped as Huang Ah Ma's favourite daughter, Zi Wei," Xiao Yan Zi teased.
Zi Wei just laughed. "It would be pathetic if I held a grudge against her because of it, but yes, you are right. Huang Ah Ma does dote excessively on her, considering she was born when he had thought he'd never have another child again. When she was born, the number of princes alive was six, with two of them being adopted and unable to inherit the throne. Needless to say, after having seventeen sons and only four to choose from for an heir, it was natural that Huang Ah Ma had a lot of hopes for He Xiao to be a boy. But somehow, he loves her even more because she is a girl, despite of his hopes."
"Wait," Xiao Yan Zi said suddenly, "if her mother is only a fei, why is she Gu Lun Ge Ge? I thought only daughters of Empresses are allowed that title and daughters of consorts and concubines are only given the title He Shuo Ge Ge?"
"I'm impressed you still remember your lessons on imperial ranks, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said, smiling.
"I am Gu Lun Ge Ge, too, you know," Zi Wei said with a smile. "Huang Ah Ma bestowed the title after the war with Burma, remember?"
"Oh, right."
"Huang Ah Ma breaks his own rules," Yong Qi said. "When you first came into the palace, Xiao Yan Zi, and Huang Ah Ma thought you were Zi Wei, he was looking around for a title for you, or technically, for Zi Wei. He actually was going to give you the title He Shuo Ge Ge but the officials all shot it down because that could only be given to princesses born to titled consorts and concubines. That's why they had to make up a new title, Huan Zhu Ge Ge. So technically Zi Wei is not even supposed to be He Shuo Ge Ge, let alone Gu Lun Ge Ge."
"It just goes to show Huang Ah Man can break protocols if it suits him," Zi Wei shrugged. "He does whatever he wants if it suits him, come to think of it."
By then, Er Kang had returned and heard Zi Wei's last comment.
"Which protocol did Huang Ah Ma break?" he asked as he sat down.
"He Xiao's Gu Lun Ge Ge title. She just passed us. I was just telling them about her."
The carriage began to move, and for a moment, they didn't say anything. As they made their way out of the palace gates, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi both let out a sigh.
"I'll never be back here again," Yong Qi said, not quite regretfully.
"Be careful, Yong Qi," Zi Wei said. "You said that last time and look what happened."
Yong Qi just smiled wryly and shook his head.
"So how do you find your enchanting little sister, Yong Qi?" Er Kang asked after a while.
"All I saw was that she was dressed as a boy and apparently is given enough free run to be out on her own with just a nanny in attendance at this hour. Though I suppose that, in itself, does say a lot."
Er Kang chuckled. "She sat in with a meeting Huang Ah Ma had with one of the Mongolian princes the other day. I was there. She had more to say than the prince himself."
"She speaks Mongolian?" Yong Qi asked, slightly surprised. Usually princesses were limited to learning just Mandarin-Chinese and their native Manchurian.
"Oh yes, I told you she's got an unfeminine education," Zi Wei said.
"And Huang Ah Ma always gets mad at me for speaking out of turn?" Xiao Yan Zi muttered.
"Now that you mentioned it, Xiao Yan Zi, He Xiao is a lot like you," Zi Wei smiled. "I think it might be why Huang Ah Ma is so fond of her."
"It's weird," Jian Wen murmured under his breath.
"What is?"
"This is your sister, Father?" he said.
"Yes."
"Our aunt?"
Yong Qi laughed. "Yes."
"And she's younger than Ru Yi."
"Yes. Honestly, I am not amazed that I have a sibling who is young enough to be my child. What I find rather disconcerting is that she is young enough to be my eldest brother's grandchild."
"Dun Fei is younger than us," Zi Wei added.
"Ok, that is just disturbing," Xiao Yan Zi said under her breath.
"Huang Ah Ma is marrying her off soon," Er Kang said.
"At eight years old?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, eyes bulging. "And he wouldn't let Zi Wei and I get married when we were eighteen!"
Er Kang laughed. "Not at eight. No, after a few years. He only held you and Zi Wei back because he only just acknowledged Zi Wei as his daughter and didn't want to give her away right away. Otherwise, fifteen isn't too young for marriage, you know."
"Who's the lucky man?" Yong Qi asked.
"Huang Ah Ma is thinking about the eldest son of an official named He Shen of the Ni Hu Ru clan." Er Kang could not hold back a grimace at the name.
"I take it you don't like this He Shen?"
"He - Good Heaven, count yourself lucky you're far away enough from Beijing so that you don't have to deal with him. That's all I'll say."
Yong Qi raised an eyebrow.
"He is, for reasons completely mysterious to us, Huang Ah Ma's most favoured official," Zi Wei said. "I feel sorry for He Xiao though, if she does end up having to marry into that family."
"He Shen would be the lucky one, though," Er Kang added. "He'd be getting a huge dowry, as if he is not rich enough already, and even more favour. Worse is, even Shi Wu Ah Ge, who hates him, will have to pay some consideration to him and his family for his favourite sister."
By now, they have just arrived at the gates of Xue Shi Fu. Ji Xiang and the Fu children apparently were waiting for them as they met them in the courtyard just inside the gates.
Jian Jun and Jian Wen both exclaimed upon seeing Ji Xiang.
"Ji Xiang!"
"Jie!"
Ji Xiang hugged them both one by one, while Xiao Yan Zi helped Ru Yi down from the carriage. "Oh, I missed you two! Are you ok? What happened?"
"Slow down, Ji Xiang," Yong Qi said. "All in good time."
"Ru Yi!" Ji Xiang grabbed her sister into a hug so enthusiastically that Ru Yi, in her condition, nearly stumbled if she had not held onto Ji Xiang's arms as well. "You've got a fever!" Ji Xiang exclaimed. Then touching her sister's still bruised cheek, she cried, "And what's this?"
"Ji Xiang, let's get your sister inside the house quickly first, then you can know what happened," Xiao Yan Zi said.
They walked into the main living area, where Jian Jun, Jian Wen and Ru Yi were introduced to the Fu children.
"Ru Yi, I want you to go lie down," Yong Qi said firmly as she leaned on Ji Xiang for support. She looked especially peaky in the lamplight. "Er Kang, Zi Wei, do you mind - ?"
Zi Wei waved her hand. "No, no. By all means, show them to the south wing. I'll send your dinner there. I'm sure you all would want some family time without us."
Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi led their children to where they were staying. Ji Xiang took Ru Yi to the room where they would now be sharing and helped her into the bed. Meanwhile, their parents and brothers gathered around the bed.
"What happened?" Ji Xiang asked again.
Xiao Yan Zi briefly told her what happened in the palace with Zhi Hua.
"So what happens to her now?" Ji Xiang asked. Her siblings, who didn't know either, looked interested as well.
"Nothing that she doesn't deserve," Yong Qi said shortly.
"What does that mean?" Ji Xiang persisted.
"It means I don't want to talk about it."
Ji Xiang just sighed but didn't press the matter.
After dinner, Yong Qi gave Ru Yi a check over again and found that she wasn't any better than she was earlier in the day. Her fever was still high, and her neck still pained her. It definitely wasn't just the fatigue that was making her sick. It was something else, something a lot more sinister that was nagging at the back of Yong Qi's mind, he desperately hoped it wouldn't be right, and didn't voice the suspicion to anyone. He just instructed Ji Xiang to call him in anything happened during the night.
Jian Jun and Jian Wen would have liked to stay in their sisters' room to talk to Ji Xiang about their parents' story, but they both found, after the extremely long day, all of them were too tired to keep their eyes open, let alone have a decent talk. They agreed, then, to leave the talk for later, when Ru Yi's health was less of a pressing issue, and when they were all a bit more alert.
With that, the eventful day ended rather uneventfully as they all retired early to bed.
"Yong Qi?" Xiao Yan Zi asked hesitantly when they had settled down for the night and were sitting in bed.
"Hmm?"
"What you said this afternoon about your parents, you hardly ever talk about your mother...is that why?"
Yong Qi sighed and faced her. He took her hands and nodded. "I don't want to resent Huang Ah Ma, but thinking about my mother brings too much of that. Part of what I realised, as I was growing up, was that no matter how things were between my parents, it didn't change the fact that he was my father and I owed him all the respect and piety. I love Huang Ah Ma, I really do, now, but as with every kind of love, you love them because of their faults and failings. You remember when we talked about whether Ji Xiang was disappointed in me and I told you about the first time I was disappointed in Huang Ah Ma?"
Xiao Yan Zi nodded.
"I was five then. I didn't understand what anything Huang Ah Ma was doing with my mother's maid meant, of course, but the look on my mother's face and the knowledge that it was my father who caused her such pains, that was the first time when I really realised that things were less than warm between them. It stayed with me all these years. After seeing that first seed of doubt, it was as if I now knew the symptoms I should be looking for and everywhere, I started to see signs and was forced to believe that my father did not at all love my mother. I would not want any child of mine to witness something similar and draw the same conclusion about Zhi Hua and me. Besides, what I saw between Huang Ah Ma and my mother's maid was lust. What Mian Yi would had have to see between us, and realise was lacking between Zhi Hua and me, would be love. It would be worse."
"Mian Yi?"
"Zhi Hua's baby. That was what Huang Ah Ma would had named him."
"Oh."
She was thoughtful for a moment, then she spoke again. "But surely Huang Ah Ma did once like her? I mean, otherwise, why would he make her his concubine? There are loads of pretty and talented girls out there, if he made them all this concubines, Heaven forbid, he'd have more than he does presently."
"Why are you asking me?" Yong Qi asked. "As if I'd know?"
She shrugged. "What do you think?"
"Lao Fo Ye liked her. Huang Ah Ma could do things simply just to please Lao Fo Ye. After Xiao Xian Empress died, he installed the next Empress because Lao Fo Ye wanted him to. I think Huang Ah Ma simply made my mother his concubine because Lao Fo Ye took a liking to her. Well, perhaps that and the fact she was the only woman who had the skills and the guts to beat him in a game of weiqi. I think that was about the only times he ever actively sought out my mother's company - for a challenging game of weiqi."
"Your mother had you. He must have sought her company for something other than just weiqi. Maybe it was just later, after you were born that he - "
"To be honest, Xiao Yan Zi, when I was born, sons for Huang Ah Ma was rare. Most of my older brothers died young. You would think that after my mother had a son, he'd be seeking her out more, not less. Besides, it's incredible what one can overhear as a child. Trust me, I've listened through enough doors to get enough information to safely confirm that Huang Ah Ma never really liked my mother. It really became a source of wonder for me later on..."
"What do you mean?"
"He didn't like her, yet he did enough for her to have me."
Xiao Yan Zi sniffed. "Zhi Hua had a baby."
Yong Qi looked a bit hesitant, then he said almost softly, "I was thinking of you."
Xiao Yan Zi's jaw dropped. "What?"
Yong Qi shrugged. Xiao Yan Zi could only continue to stare at him. She had always been in denial about that night, about her own contribution to that night, so she never allowed herself to think about it. However, she had always believed that whatever factor allowed Yong Qi to consummate the marriage with Zhi Hua had to do with Zhi Hua herself, and little to do with her. After all, if he was thinking of her, wouldn't it have made him unable to do it instead?
"You were thinking of me while you were with Zhi Hua?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes," he said shortly, clearly uncomfortable with where the conversation was turning. Xiao Yan Zi was too shocked to heed his discomfort.
"You were thinking about me when you were making love to Zhi Hua?" she demanded, more forcefully.
Yong Qi gave her a piercing look at her choice of words, almost as if he was annoyed. "It wasn't making love, Xiao Yan Zi," he said quietly.
"But - but - you were thinking about me?" she repeated. "But, why?"
"It was the only way I could do it," he answered honestly.
Xiao Yan Zi just looked at him with her mouth slightly open in shock.
"But she - she's not exactly ugly - "
"No, but I wasn't attracted to her. Besides, the circumstances that led to the marriage were enough to kill any amorous thoughts I could have for her."
Xiao Yan Zi just blinked rapidly.
"Why are you so shocked?" Yong Qi asked.
"Well - I - "
"Contrary to what Huang Ah Ma's many concubines may have led you to think, Xiao Yan Zi, men can't just do it just because their wives happened to push them out of the room, ordering them to go do it with a woman they're not attracted to. There has to be enough...inducement."
"And Zhi Hua wasn't?"
"Not from lack of trying. No, she was very...charming. But it didn't work. It might have, only if I was a little less in love with you, only if I wasn't forced into marrying her."
"Did she know?"
"Are you kidding? She wouldn't have been half so nice to you if she knew!"
Xiao Yan Zi looked dazed for a moment. She wasn't sure whether she should be flattered by this news. Between them, of course it had always been completely willing and so she never thought about how one would go about such an act if one wasn't willing. She had always thought that Yong Qi somehow managed to feel something for Zhi Hua that night if he managed to do it, and it was this more than anything that had hurt her, rather than the knowledge that he had done it. But instead, he had imagined Xiao Yan Zi in Zhi Hua's place? That was possible?
"Why are we talking about this?" she asked in a rather dazed voice.
"You started it!"
"I didn't ask you whether you thought about me that night - "
"You practically asked me how I could have done it. Are you angry?"
"Angry?" she stared at him. "No, angry is not exactly what I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure what I feel, but angry is not it. What on earth makes you think I'd be angry, of all things, after what you've just told me?"
"Well, I can never know..."
She thought for a moment, then said, "You do realise that there are parallels? Your parents, you and Zhi Hua?"
"Do you think I haven't realised? I saw it from the very beginning. More the reason for me to never should have married Zhi Hua. Right now, I don't know what possessed me to listen to you that night and consummate the marriage. I should have known it would only lead to disaster..."
"I don't regret asking you to do it," Xiao Yan Zi said softly. "We owed her that much. I owed her that much."
"Except in the long run, paying her back like that hurt all of us more, especially Zhi Hua."
Xiao Yan Zi just sighed. They were silent for a long while. Then Yong Qi spoke again.
"To be honest, Xiao Yan Zi, I don't want to talk about Zhi Hua right now."
"No," she agreed. But then it was as if she couldn't stop herself, so she said, "So Huang Ah Ma could have done the same as you - "
" - which, quite frankly, is a very disturbing thought," Yong Qi murmured. "Actually, it is very disturbing to think, at all, about how I was conceived."
Xiao Yan Zi let out a laugh. "True. But however Huang Ah Ma did it, I should be grateful that they had you."
Yong Qi didn't answer to that, but just said, "This conversation had definitely taken a very weird turn."
"Are you annoyed that I started it?"
"The part of the conversation about Zhi Hua and me or about my parents?"
"About your mother. You never talk about her."
"You never asked," he answered simply.
"Well - I thought maybe you don't like to talk about her - "
"I don't like to dwell on her loss, but I would not avoid the subject with you."
"Does Huang Ah Ma ever talk about her?"
"No. I think if it wasn't for me, he would probably not remember she ever existed. Even with me, I think sometimes he doesn't remember, either." There was something like resignation in Yong Qi's voice as he said this, as if it was a truth that he had come to term with a long time ago.
"That's impossible!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed. Surely this was something that Yong Qi just imagined himself, for how was it possible for anyone to just not remember a wife who had given him his most treasured son?
"Is it? Over the course of his life so far, Huang Ah Ma had had over thirty concubines, goodness knows how many to come. If Zi Wei's mother is any indication, who knows how many more unknown women there were outside the palace? Do you honestly think he remembers them all? He forgot all about Xia Yu He. The thing is, once he sets an eye on them, for whatever reason, who dares say no to Huang Ah Ma? I think Huang Ah Ma eventually got to a stage where he can push women out of his mind so easily, because there are so many of them in his life. I really can count the number of women I think Huang Ah Ma ever loved on one hand."
"Who?"
"Xiao Xian Huang Hou, Han Xiang, Ling Fei. I think Huang Ah Ma knows very well which of his relationships are based on love and which are on lust. He never fooled himself into thinking himself in love with very many of his concubines. Maybe he loved Xia Yu He, but even then he forgot about her as soon as he got back to Beijing. But his guilt for her later, when he thought you were her daughter, and for Zi Wei, his seeing her in Xia Ying Ying, all indicate that it wasn't all just lust with her."
"So you're saying if he had just been in lust with Xia Yu He, he would never have accepted Zi Wei?"
"No, I'm not saying that. I'm sure he'd still had accepted her, because she is his daughter. But he would not feel so much guilt for her mother. He would feel guilty for her, because she had to grow up without a father, surely, but not for her mother. This is my speculation only, of course."
"What about Han Xiang?"
"If Huang Ah Ma didn't love Han Xiang, he would never had been so tolerant with her, he would have had her whether she liked it or not."
Yong Qi was saying this so matter-of-factly and Xiao Yan Zi felt pained on his behalf. How did he manage it? Xiao Yan Zi would be heart-broken in his place. "Does it not make you sad?"
"What?"
"That Huang Ah Ma never was warm toward your mother."
Yong Qi sighed. "I've learnt to accept it a long time ago. But as I said, there was a time when I resented Huang Ah Ma, when I thought my mother died of a broken heart and blamed him for it."
"How did she die?" she asked hesitantly.
"She was sick for a long time. She tried to hide it from me. I was ten when she died."
"You blamed Huang Ah Ma for it?"
"Bitterly."
Somehow, Xiao Yan Zi could not imagine a Yong Qi who was bitter, who treated Huang Ah Ma with anything less that utmost respect and sincere devotion. This was one of the things she loved most about Yong Qi. His love for Huang Ah Ma was completely sincere, not out of an attempt to get on Huang Ah Ma's good side for the sake of the throne. This love was something that Xiao Yan Zi herself could relate to, regardless of the Emperor's many faults.
"Yet he still favours you?" she asked in wonder.
"I couldn't exactly show the bitterness to Huang Ah Ma, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said dryly. "Outward, I was polite enough, I followed all the rules and put on all the necessary appearances, as one does in the court. But let's just say my attitude could use some adjusting. Maybe I was trying to prove something to Huang Ah Ma, because I was determined to be as good as I could at everything. Maybe that just increased Huang Ah Ma's favour for me. Ironically."
"Then what? You just lose the resentment and come to love him as you grow up?"
"The reality is, Xiao Yan Zi, that all boys go through a stage where they hate and resent everyone around them because they think, in one way or another, they got the shorter deal in life, it's especially more obvious if they grow up in a rich family and are incredibly spoiled, as I admit I was. I just happened to direct all my resentments at Huang Ah Ma. Some of us manage to grow out of this 'I hate the world' attitude, and I suppose somehow I was blessed with the sense to do it. It was a slow process, I must admit."
"But how could you have hid it so well in the first place?"
"I'm not sure how much Huang Ah Ma actually knows of it, honestly," Yong Qi said thoughtfully. "He might have known that I didn't exactly revere him in my early teenage years. Huang Ah Ma did mention today that I was 'difficult' at a certain age. He might just be referring to my temper at that age, but maybe there's more. I really was a brat then, Er Kang wasn't kidding. I eventually grew up and got a bit better but I still retained some of it by the time I met you. I think you were about the first person for whom I put away all my pride to sincerely apologise to and beg with so many times. That includes Huang Ah Ma. The thing was, for a long while, Yong Lian and I were Huang Ah Ma's choices for the throne. Actually, even by the time we left, Huang Ah Ma still didn't have that many choices either since then most of my younger brothers were still children. So he put a lot of hopes into me, regardless of how I felt for him or for his plans for me. I suppose he recognised the potential in me and maybe even valued me because I didn't seek his favour in an insincere way."
"When did you get over it?"
"It wasn't like an epiphany or anything, you know. I slowly got over my mother's death, and slowly realised that there were things that I admired in Huang Ah Ma. They were quite disconcerting realisations at the time, honestly. I had to learn to accept that as much as everyone praise him to the sky, Huang Ah Ma is not without fault. I came to respect him not because it was expected of me, not because he was my father and it was due to him, but because I really felt it. I think somewhere along the way, I realised that he couldn't help not loving my mother. I still can't agree with Huang Ah Ma on certain things, of course, but I realised that this was who he is and I have to accept him as such."
Xiao Yan Zi could still hardly believe his words. "But to go from resentment to how you feel about him now...it just seems so...unlikely..."
"It was something like a rite of passage, Xiao Yan Zi, to realise that one, Huang Ah Ma is not perfect, two, he has lots of concubines, and the nature of his relationship with his concubines, and three, regardless of what was between my parents, Huang Ah Ma does love me. Anyway, I was never outwardly insolent to Huang Ah Ma; I could not be, in the way I was brought up, so it was not a matter of changing my behaviour towards him, it was a matter of changing my attitude. I eventually realised that regardless of what Huang Ah Ma didn't feel, for some bizarre reason, my mother loved Huang Ah Ma, and she wouldn't want me to hate him. If you think about it, really, his only offense against me was that he didn't love my mother. If he deserved resentment because of that, about all of his children would hate him. It was easier to see the good sides to Huang Ah Ma and warm up to him after realising that."
"Were you very close to your mother?"
"I was her only child, sometimes her only comfort, it seemed," Yong Qi said.
"Do you think - " Xiao Yan Zi started then stopped.
"Do I think what?" he prompted gently.
"Do you think your mother would have liked me?"
She looked incredibly uncertain and insecure just then that Yong Qi just looked at her gently for a while, then he just pulled her into his arms. "Yes, I think she would have," he said, kissing the crown of her head. "To be honest, you are her complete opposite. My mother was a very traditional woman; Lao Fo Ye liked her for that. But I think she would have liked you."
Xiao Yan Zi looked sceptical.
"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said gently, "my mother was not like Lao Fo Ye. She might have been a little bewildered at my attraction to you, I won't lie, but I think she would try to like you, and I think she would really at least appreciate you, for the happiness you bring to me."
"Hmmm..." Then she gave a wide yawn, which reminded them of the exhausting day they just had and the fact that it was growing quite late. Yong Qi smiled and pulled her gently down onto the bed. He leaned over to the bedside table and blew out the candle.
"It's really late, Xiao Yan Zi. We've both had a long day. We should turn in."
"Can I ask you one last question about Zhi Hua?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, snuggling against him under the covers in the darkened room.
"What is it?"
"What did Huang Ah Ma say when you asked him to marry her? Didn't he ask for a reason?"
It was dark so Xiao Yan Zi couldn't see Yong Qi's expression, but she could feel that he was trying to suppress laughter. "Of course he did. I just told him I had reasons that I couldn't tell him. He came up with his own interpretation of that."
"What?"
"He apparently thought I did something to her to have to marry her."
"What?" She would have sat up again if Yong Qi had not pulled her down.
"Well, I suppose that was the only reason he that seemed logical for him at that moment. I mean, a few days earlier he could had held a knife to my neck and I wouldn't have said yes. And then suddenly I went and begged him to marry her."
"And he thought I'd accept it that meekly if that was the reason?"
Yong Qi shrugged. "Honestly, for us, my wanting to marry another woman is strange. For Huang Ah Ma, for a man to want that, it's anything but strange."
Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer. Yong Qi waited a few breaths, before saying sleepily, "Can we sleep now or do you want to talk about Zhi Hua for the rest of the night?"
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. "Good night, Yong Qi."
"Good night."