Chapter 20: Farewell to the City of Memories
"Yong Qi, walk with me."
Yong Qi knew his father well enough to recognise that it was a command. He let his father lean on him as they proceeded out to one of the gardens of Fu residence.
"What are your plans after this then?"
Yong Qi had expected this question, but it didn't make the answer any easier to give. Leaving the first time had been excruciatingly difficult, but to leave again, now, was a thousand times worse. He understood more, now, what his father must have felt all those years ago, letting him go. Wasn't he just on the cusp of letting go of Ji Xiang as well? The irony and reversal of the situation astounded him every time he thought about it. However, it was different with Ji Xiang. He might still see Ji Xiang again; to leave now may well be to never see his father again and the idea scared him now more than it ever did seventeen years ago. No matter how he knew there was little choice in it now, he had never questioned the move as much as this the last time around.
"Our plan, as you know, Huang Ah Ma, had always been to return to Dali eventually."
"It is not impossible for you to stay, you know, Yong Qi."
"Huang Ah Ma - " His voice caught in his throat and he wasn't even entirely sure what he was planning to say.
"What if I told you now that you are my only hope for some stability for my country after I am gone? What if I told you now that I need you to stay, because this country needs you?"
"Huang Ah Ma, surely you can't still consider that - "
"The truth is, Yong Qi, none of your brothers have the understanding the people as you do. They have the knowledge, possibly, but not the empathy and understanding of what is really good for the people. It doesn't matter how good a ruler's intentions are, actions can still go disastrously wrong if there is no understanding of what ails and pains the common people. That is why I have to take so many trips to see the lives of the people for myself. But even then it would never be the same as immersing myself in their ranks and in their lives. You are the only one equipped with that and these are coupled with all the talents you have always possessed; it is all that which will make you suitable. Not only that, you let yourself suffer for what you believe in and allow yourself to be humbled by things greater than you. I am not being biased or blinded by my affection for you anymore, because the truth is you would make a great emperor, Yong Qi."
His father had never been so frank with him before, especially on this subject. Yong Qi had never dared to allow himself to think of his chances of sitting on the throne, even when Qian Long always made it abundantly clear. It wasn't a sense of modesty that prevented him, it was simply that Yong Qi could never imagine himself there. Though what was the point of bringing the subject up now? Surely even his father would see that perhaps, to a certain extent, nothing would be impossible until Yong Qi were truly dead, but for him to stay now, and in the capacity that Qian Long wanted, it would put everything regarding the matter of state in utter chaos?
Yong Qi could not think of any way to reply, but it didn't matter, because Qian Long was speaking again.
"I didn't always understand how you could come to just want only Xiao Yan Zi so much, but I think over the years, I have come to understand more than you would expect of me. Xiao Yan Zi had always been popular in the palace ever since she came, but when I allowed the two of you to be betrothed, I am sure many people thought I was out of my mind. After all, she was interesting enough, adorable enough, as a kind of comic relief in the palace, but as your principal wife, when everyone knew I had such a great plan for you? It didn't seem right. I wondered why myself; it wasn't until years later that I realised I knew even then, that you were the one I most wished to put on the throne after me, and she would help you get there. As emperor, you would have to rule over the poorest of peasants as well as the richest of landowners. You knew the life of the richest from the core and she would take you to the heart of the poorest. I knew, too, that ironically, along the way, you might never find your way back to the throne that was meant to be yours but I always hoped that eventually you would. Just goes to show the best laid plans often go awry."
Yong Qi felt absurdly like he was sitting at a weiqi table, and he was winning, but in such a completely underhanded way that it made him ashamed. He had made moves that felt appropriate at the time but was such taking advantages of the other player's vulnerability in a dishonest way, and that this was not a well-matched competition. But he had made the move; he could not backtrack now...could he?
The guilt of leaving again was piercing his heart like the red, hot edge of a knife. He saw that his father still carried that desperate hope of having him on the throne, not because he was somehow his father's favourite, but because the Emperor truly believed in Yong Qi's place on it. Yong Qi could understand where this belief came from and how it materialised, and for a moment, wished that he, himself, could believe it too.
He knelt down in front of Qian Long. "Huang Ah Ma, if you would just but ask - "
"No," his father cut him off and pulled him to his feet. "I will not ask. I cannot ask. I cannot order you or guilt you into staying. I cannot put you in a position that you do not believe in. I need you to understand that I don't regret for you the life you have now, Yong Qi. Forget my what-ifs, son, they are simply remnants of selfish hopes. I have long learnt that you are very different from me, you see and feel the world differently and my dreams are not your dreams. Ultimately it is you who have to live your life. I cannot decide for you. I only wanted to let you know that I have come to understand more than you think of your decision. You must know this."
"Sometimes I find that I don't understand it fully myself," Yong Qi confessed. "Sometimes I wonder how it is that I managed to leave you, leave my duties to you, and be so selfish. I think if I could do it over, I probably still would do the same, but still would wonder if it was ever right. After all, there is never anything in any of the principles I was brought up with that mentioned that you should leave your family and duties for love."
Qian Long laughed. "You don't regret it, Yong Qi, I know you don't." Looking at his father now, Yong Qi knew that he somehow understood all feelings and reasons he could never put into words. "I could have forced you, or guilted you, I suppose, into making a better marriage, as they say. But the truth is it would have made you so profoundly miserably, as it eventually became obvious with Zhi Hua. As much as the world would like us to think marriage is a matter of duty, the truth contradicts itself when it is expected that we maintain affection and harmony in that marriage. We all need the love and support you and Xiao Yan Zi have at some point in our lives, Yong Qi. Do not think I don't understand how a reluctant marriage can lead to such unhappiness that you cannot even find the words to express."
They walked in silence for a long moment. Yong Qi understood that his father had said all that not in order to persuade him to stay. No, they had both made the move, they could not backtrack. His father was probably as aware as Yong Qi was that after he left Beijing this time, they might never see each other again, and this was simply everything he wanted Yong Qi to know, despite everything. He was glad, for he didn't think it he could bear wondering if his father blamed him for leaving again a second time, and whether he understood the reason for it.
"You must know I cannot stay, in any case, don't you?" Yong Qi asked anxiously. "Not stay and let the whole world know it. It would make the last seventeen years seem like a lie - which they were - and a joke to everyone. You cannot turn around to say I am alive to everyone."
"No, I do not suppose it is feasible. What is Ji Xiang to do?"
Yong Qi smiled wryly. "Let's just say I understand now how you felt to let me go. Ji Xiang is to stay here. No, neither Ying Zhong nor Ji Xiang have said anything to us about it yet, but I think it would take a blind man to not understand where it is headed."
His father simply smiled at his wistful tone. "You don't wish them to never grow up, Yong Qi; they are Xiao Yan Zi's children after all, they will have to fly away from you at some point, Yong Qi."
"Sometimes I look at Ji Xiang and Ying Zhong and see Xiao Yan Zi and me in them, but like a mirror image. The same, but completely opposite. The consequences are so, so different. And for that, I am glad for her. I don't think such a life as Xiao Yan Zi had in the palace would suit Ji Xiang at all."
"I will be glad for her presence," Qian Long said. "But you will come back to see me, won't you, Yong Qi?"
"Oh Huang Ah Ma, you know you only have to say the word."
But as he looked at his father, Yong Qi wondered when the time come whether he would be able to react fast enough to arrive in time.
"I don't have to stay, Father."
Yong Qi looked at his daughter, a young woman at the bloom of seventeen, and almost wished he could keep her back. He thought that he could still see her as young as Shu Fen if he closed his eyes and let the years wash away. Was it possible that she was all grown up and didn't need him anymore? How was it possible that in the days to come, Ying Zhong would take his place as her protector in her life? Yet he would not have it any other way!
"No, Ji Xiang. You would not be happy coming back with us, not anymore. And you know I could not ask you to do something that would not make you happy."
"Was that what Huang Ye Ye said to you once?"
Yong Qi smiled. "Not in so many words. But yes. My conscience would ruin me if I held your happiness away from you, Ji Xiang."
"I won't pretend that I'm not happy that you want to stay, Ji Xiang," Xiao Yan Zi said, taking her hand. "When Zi Wei and I came up with this, it seemed like almost like such a silly dream that just got a little too real at times. I am happy for you that it came true, of course, but Ji Xiang, you must be sure that staying would make you happy, not just now, but years and decades from now. I have no doubt Zi Wei will love you like her own but it would still be different once we have gone, Ji Xiang."
"I know." Ji Xiang was quiet for a moment, apparently gathering her thoughts. Then she looked up at them with a new emotion shining in her eyes. "But I love him." If the look in her eyes didn't persuade them that she was absolutely convinced of this herself, then her voice would.
Neither of her parents answered immediately. It was the first time she had admitted the fact to either of them, however long she had known it herself.
"Then you should stay," Yong Qi finally told her quietly. Neither Ying Zhong nor his parents had asked him yet, but Yong Qi knew it would be soon, and he would not say no.
"How could I have wanted it to work out between them, Yong Qi?" Xiao Yan Zi asked him later that evening.
"Why, Xiao Yan Zi!" he exclaimed in astonishment. "Surely you are happy for them!"
"I am, and I'm not, does that make sense?"
"No."
"Well, now that it's so close and faced with the idea of leaving her, I suddenly just realised what it really means and suddenly I have so many things to say to her that I wonder why I wasted all this time that we've been here. Oh, but I wanted to give her her time with Ying Zhong without having to worry about what it would really mean to marry into the court. We won't be there for her, Yong Qi, and it won't always be this happy. No matter how rational they are, marriage would never always be smooth-sailing and when the storms come, we won't be near her."
None of these worries were any that Yong Qi hadn't had himself so he could understand why Xiao Yan Zi had a sudden rush of anxiety. Probably it was only when she finally heard Ji Xiang admit her feelings so candidly that Xiao Yan Zi truly realised what it really meant. He took her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze.
"The worries would be there no matter who she marries, Xiao Yan Zi, you know that. And as you said, Zi Wei would love her as much as you do. Ji Xiang will be all right. You just have to trust Ying Zhong to protect her, even if they may disagree or argue. And you have to trust her."
"I do. I do trust them all. I am only afraid that we won't be able to be there when she needs us. There must be things Zi Wei and Ying Zhong won't be able to do for her. Or am I only imagining that?" She gave him a smile that was almost sad.
"She'd still be our child, no matter who she marries, Xiao Yan Zi. And for that she'd always need us. But we can't always be there for her. The contradiction of it is painful but I think it's something that we might have to begin to learn to live with. After all, all of them will be growing up faster than ever now. Let's just be glad that Shu Fen will take a while to get to this age yet."
"I think I sort of panicked a bit this afternoon when she said that she loved him," Xiao Yan Zi admitted finally. "It was almost like realising myself that I was in love with you and I had no idea what to do with that information. But I couldn't say anything to Ji Xiang. After all, I had all but pushed them together, it would be mortifying for her if I started questioning it now. It's so foolish and silly, isn't it?"
Yong Qi shook his head. No, he had fought with himself to not feel more than the necessary worry about leaving his daughter in Beijing all on her own, as if with Er Kang and Zi Wei could be considered all on her own. After all, hadn't she been here for three months before he and Xiao Yan Zi came to Beijing? But that was so different. Her position was different now and would be more different still when that marriage ceremony had taken place. It was all becoming suddenly very real and very close. He could not blame Xiao Yan Zi for feeling a little sudden panic.
"Think about her happiness, Xiao Yan Zi. She will be happy, I think, and we would not have any reason to fear that she would not be loved here. It will all be all right as long as she has that."
"You will take care of my little girl, won't you Zi Wei?"
Zi Wei put her arms around her friend and laughed. "Of course! Oh Xiao Yan Zi, I know you are worried, however much we hoped for this and I do understand, you know. I imagine I will be in worse shape when Xuan Zhuang's time comes around. I only have her to give away. But Ji Xiang will be very much loved here, that is something I guarantee. If Ying Zhong ever does anything wrong by her, he will have to answer to me."
"It is not that, I am only afraid that I never had the knowledge or the mind to teach her what it is like to marry a first born son of such a family! I know you and Er Kang would not mind and you would teach her where I could not have done, but Zi Wei, I dread other people looking in on her, judging her. The wedding would be a small scale as it is and that would create enough talk in the court, even more when coupled with such sudden wedding announcements. I can't bear the thought of leaving her to cope with it alone but then if we don't leave I am afraid that she won't get the chance to learn to do without us."
"Ji Xiang will be all right, Xiao Yan Zi. She is in blood and at heart descended from dragons, after all. I am sure she will meet the challenge with all that is in her. Her sense and intelligence will carry her through, I am sure sure of it. But promise me that at some point you will come back to see us again. I cannot imagine now how I survived all those years without you."
Her daughter's wedding ceremony came and Xiao Yan Zi met it with a mix of emotions. Looking at the radiant bride Ji Xiang was, Xiao Yan Zi could not help thinking of her own anticipation and anxiety the night of her own wedding and all the chaos that ensued that night. She looked over at Zi Wei on the other side of the room and they both held back laughs when their gazes caught; surely Zi Wei was thinking of the same thing. Well, there would be no danger of switching brides here. Her daughter was to have a perfect wedding, it would appear. Xiao Yan Zi gave a small contented sigh and a moment later, Yong Qi, who was sitting beside her, reached over and gave her a hand a gentle squeeze. She could see that under the nervousness and anticipation, there was a glow that Ji Xiang had never had before, a glow only evident in those who were utterly and incadescently happy.
This was it. Xiao Yan Zi could not help the intense pride that flooded her heart as she looked at her daughter. Ji Xiang would shame no one this night. She thought of the undoubtedly happy life that her daughter was to have with intense gladness, but there was sadness, too. After this night, Ji Xiang would not belong to her anymore. She would be Er Kang and Zi Wei's daughter now, and more importantly, she would be Ying Zhong's wife. And in a couple of weeks, she and Yong Qi and the rest of the children would head back to Dali. When they ever met again, Ji Xiang would very much be a woman, and it would never be the same. But what in life could stay the same, she wondered. After all, change was a part of life, as it was a part of being alive. To change, to move forward, to look towards new things and the future.
"She'll be all right," Yong Qi murmured to her later.
Xiao Yan Zi turned to smile at him. "Yes, she will."
The day of parting had finally come. They had days to prepare for this moment, but still, it was just as hard the second time around as it was the first time. They had said goodbye to Qian Long the day before, and while in a way, both Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were sad they would not have a glimpse of him as they drove away, it would had been worse to couple taking their leave of him with the parting from everyone else. It was perhaps healthier to take the sorrows of separation in stages. Xiao Yan Zi did not feel her heart was up to all the pain of leaving her father, her sister and her daughter all at the same moment.
When the moment came, Xiao Yan Zi still thought she couldn't bear to leave Ji Xiang, no matter how assured she was that Ji Xiang would not be any safer and happier if she had been going back to Dali with them. Saying goodbye to Zi Wei was almost as excruciating. She had definitely spoiled herself with Zi Wei's constant, comforting company for a whole year and the prospect of not knowing when they would ever see each other again suddenly made the beautiful, sunny early morning seemed much bleaker.
But somehow, the tearful goodbyes were accomplished, laden with well-wishes, and Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi managed to allow the carriage to start and drive away from. Just as Zi Wei and Er Kang had done with them a long time ago, they watched from the window of the carriage as Ji Xiang and Zi Wei ran after the carriage, waving their last goodbyes, until they could no longer keep up. The two in the carriage and the ones left behind on the road leading back to Fu residence watched as the other grew increasingly smaller and fainter. Even when they had turned the bend in the road and Xiao Yan Zi could no longer see her daughter or her friend, she kept looking out the window at the passing Beijing scenery, drinking in the last sights of the city that once belonged to her and now belonged to her daughter. Finally, when the tears had blurred her vision so that she could no longer see, Xiao Yan Zi finally turned into the carriage and took the handkerchief that Yong Qi offered to dry her tears.
Jian Jun was driving the carriage and Jian Wen and Ru Yi decided for the time being to crowd outside on the driving seat to keep him company, leaving only Xiao Yan Zi, Yong Qi and Shu Fen in the carriage. It was as if they understood that their parents needed time alone together to come to term with the parting that had just occurred.
Shu Fen lay asleep in the baby basket that had been designed for the journey. It was only a simple wicker basket lined with soft blankets and it would hold her while she slept. After all, they could not hold her in their arms all through the carriage journey. The basket, with Shu Fen in it, now lay on the carriage seat between the two of them and they leaned over to look at her, marveling still at the blessing of her presence. They rode in the silence until the sounds of the bustling city outside was replaced the stretches of quiet of the country side. The children were quiet outside on the driving seat, too, as burdened with the sorrows that engulfed their parents inside the carriage.
It was several days later that Yong Qi asked the question. "Are you glad that we came back?"
Xiao Yan Zi answered, "Yes. It was hard saying goodbye again, but I don't think I could bear it if we never came back and saw Huang Ah Ma and everyone else again. The last time, we left in such a hurry, and there were other emotions hanging in the air. I don't think we actually came to terms with the fact that we were leaving the palace forever until we said goodbye to Er Kang and Zi Wei in Dali."
"You're probably right. I know I didn't realise that until after Er Kang and Zi Wei had left Dali. And there were so many things left unresolved when we left the first time. It's not just Zhi Hua, either, it's more about Huang Ah Ma. I always wondered whether Huang Ah Ma really understood why I needed to leave and if he didn't, whether he would blame me for it. I know that now, at least, he does understand, whole-heartedly."
"Do you think when we come back the next time that we'd see Huang Ah Ma again?" Xiao Yan Zi's voice was tentative. It was, after all, a subject that by right should not ever be talked about explicitly, but there was no one here to call them out for a breach of etiquette.
"I don't know. I don't want to say no. But...well, who could really live ten thousand years? It was all the more reason for us to have made this trip, wasn't it?"
Xiao Yan Zi nodded and for a moment, they were quiet. They listened to the sound of the carriage wheels rolling and the chatter of the children outside on the driving seat. Then Yong Qi asked, "Are you still worried for Ji Xiang?"
"No, not anymore. Not much, anyway. She'll be happy and in the end, that's what matters. She's our daughter, Yong Qi, she'd survive anything."
"That's true," Yong Qi chuckled. "She made it through being kidnapped and managed to escape and found her way to Ying Zhong, in any case. It didn't seem so thrilling then when we first heard of it, but admittedly, it is an adventure no less than any of our own. Maybe there's something to be said for history repeating itself."
Xiao Yan Zi smiled. "Well, in any case, I am glad that we came back and got the closure we desperately needed. And now I am glad we are going home."
The End