Part 3
We Are Still Crying Out

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't remember how I got here. All I know is that my head hurts. Not like hurt, hurt. Just like that dull ache that keeps you awake. Everything else feels numb. And groggy, like I can't control my limbs. I can't wake up. I can hear voices, but I don't recognize them or understand them. And suddenly I'm tired again.

It was really weird that first time I woke up. I kid you not, I remembered nothing. Not a damn thing. Last thing I remembered was getting that assignment in poetry class. The rest of the week was a blur for a while.

My eyes finally flutter open, but my vision is blurry. It's dark and it's quiet and I blink a few times until my eyes focus. Where am I? What happened? Through the darkness, I can make out a few things in the room. Chairs. Tables. An empty bed. A curtain. Weird, metal things on the wall that are too far away to make out.

A hospital. I'm in a hospital room.

I lift my left hand to rub at my forehead and realized my right is weighed down. In the dim light, or lack of light, I can just make him out. And my heart starts fluttering. He's lying in bed. Beside me. Half on top of me.

I should have been more worried about waking up in a hospital with no memory of how I got there. Instead, I was more concerned with the hard body asleep against mine.

I can hear voices again. Mom's, I think. And Kairi's. I listen harder and hear another I don't know.

"The progress is slow, but it's there, Miss Tottori."

Progress?

"The last brain scan shows no damage."

Brain scan? Damage?

"We just have to be patient and wait for him to wake up."

Wake up? My mind is full of questions as that voice disappears and I miss what my mom said. Kairi must be answering her.

"Yes, Miss Tottori. I promise I'll call if anything happens."

Happens?

"Go and run your errands." I hear Kairi answer, followed by shuffling and a door opening and closing.

I open my eyes and I see her, her back to me. I try and sit up slowly and shake my head. It feels heavy and groggy. "Kairi?"

She spins towards me, her eyes wide. "Sora!" She screams and launches herself towards the bed. "You're finally awake!"

I look around the room. It's brighter in here. Someone must have turned the light on. But it's empty. "Where's Riku?" I didn't imagine him, did I?

Kairi shifts uneasily on her feet. I can see her hesitating. "You're mom hasn't let him in since she got here."

"What? But he was just here!"

She's shaking her head and looking at me funny. "Sora… it's been nearly a week since he was here." There are tears in her eyes now. "You've been in a coma. We were afraid you weren't going to wake up."

My mind is spinning again and I close my eyes. Suddenly the lights are too bright and everything hurts.

"Sora… Sora!"

I hear the worry in her voice but suddenly I can't move again.

I read somewhere that some people have these weird, elaborate, life-altering dreams when they are in a coma. And what did I remember dreaming about? My 6th birthday party. The party had been on the beach and my mother had hired a clown. That was a first for me. I had never seen a clown before. The damn guy looked like a demon, fresh out of hell. He smelled funny and had this high-pitched, shrieking laughter. Scared the living shit out of me. And I ran, screaming, back to my house and locked my bedroom door. Riku had been a step behind me and somehow managed to get in my room before me. How he managed to climb into my window I'll never know. But he was there, sitting on my bed and laughing. "Widdle baby Sora." He had called me. And we wrestled over it. And he beat me. And my mom found us, laughing together, soon after. And she fired the clown and convinced me to go back to the party. And that's what I dreamed about. Life-altering experiences and I relive a birthday in which a clown traumatized me.

I hear a phone ring and I must have fallen asleep because it's darker in the room when I open my eyes again.

"Riku! Finally! I've been calling you all day!"

Riku's? Kairi's talking to Riku?

"Yeah, he woke up this morning." I hear her pause. "Just for a few minutes. He asked where you were…" Silence again. "I don't know. I don't think he does." Again. "No, I haven't called her yet. The doctor checked him out again. Some nonsense about the shock exhausting him." More silence. "I really don't know when. I was hoping to try and talk to him before she gets back."

I want to listen more, but my throat hurts. It's dry and scratchy and feels like I haven't had a drink in weeks. "Kairi?" My voice is hoarse as I try and sit up.

"Sora!" She turns around and relief floods her face. "I gotta go. He's awake." She steps towards me. "I will." She flips her phone closed and slips it in her pocket.

I cough and she hurries out the door. I watch, dumfounded, until she returns a second later with a plastic cup in her hand. I smile as she lifts the cup to my lips. It's not exactly cold, but it's not warm either and it feels good on my sore throat.

"Thanks." I say softly after draining the cup.

"Do you want more?"

I shake my head.

"Do you need anything else?"

I shake my head again and rub at my forehead.

"Does your head hurt? I'll get the doctor."

I reach out and grab her arm before she can get too far. "No. I feel fine… I think."

And it was mostly true. My head did hurt, but only lightly. Mostly I felt…it's weird to describe. I guess I felt sore and stiff. Everywhere. If what Kairi told me that morning was true, then I had been in that bed, unmoving for a week. So I guess I felt like I hadn't moved in a week. It was a weird sensation. It didn't hurt exactly, but I could feel it all the same.

"What happened?"

She looks at me for a minute before sighing and pulling a chair closer to the bed. "What do you remember?"

I shrug. "I remember going to school on Monday. I remember getting that poetry assignment. You teased me about it." I pause, trying to recall something else. Why couldn't I? I sigh. "I remember waking up at some point and seeing Riku here. Then I guess… this morning?"

Kairi nods her head slowly. "Well all that did happen. But you're missing a bit."

"Okay then." I say. "So what? Fill in the blanks."

"I don't know if I should…" She's saying slowly, shaking her head.

"Come on, Kairi. I'm dying here." I smile despite myself.

"That's not funny." She says but I can see the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. But I can tell she's giving in. "Fine. Do you remember anything about Friday?"

I shake my head.

"Friday you and I were going to hang out together, celebrate our coming home anniversary."

I nod slowly. I remember the anniversary, I think. Not so sure about the plans.

"You… uh… you told me you had to meet with a teacher after school."

I nod again.

"Only you didn't meet with a teacher."

"I didn't?"

She's shaking her head slowly. "That was the last time I saw or heard from you. The rest I found out from…" She looks away.

"From who?" I press when she doesn't answer. "From Riku, right? I was with Riku?"

"Sort of." She sighs. "Okay. You met with Riku after school. Some misunderstanding about some girl he thought you were jealous about."

"Me? Jealous? Of a girl involved with Riku?" I laugh. "Yeah right. Like I could take a girl from Riku."

Kairi's not laughing with me.

"Okay. So what… we argued?"

She nods. "Riku said it got pretty heated. He said you pushed him into the locker."

My mouth drops open.

"Oh it gets better." I can hear the sadness in her voice. "You kissed him."

My eyes widen and I can feel my cheeks grow hot. I drop my gaze to my hands in my lap. "I kissed him?" I repeat softly. I kissed Riku? The guy I'd been in love with for years? "Oh gawd!" I groan and slide down in the hospital bed.

"You want me to stop?"

"No!" I say and drape my arm over my eyes. She's silent and I can practically feel her hesitation in the air. "Kairi…"

"He shoved you and left. Said he went home, watched TV and I called him. When I got home I found out my mother was dragging us all up to see my sick aunt last minute. I tried to call you to cancel but you didn't answer. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called Riku and asked him to go over to your house."

I try to remember but her words don't make sense.

"He went over… and… he found you. You… you tried to… to kill yourself." She's crying now. "Why? Why would you do that Sora?"

"I don't remember." I mumble.

"Sora…"

I roll over on my side, away from her. "I'm tired."

"Okay."

I hear her get up and leave the room. And I'm alone. And I'm scared. And I just want to see him. Surely this is all a dream. I'll just go to sleep and when I wake up, it'll be last week.

Can't blame a guy for hoping he was dreaming when he finds out his world has ended. Does that sound a bit overdramatic? It probably is. But hey, give me a break! At the time I couldn't remember. Pretty fucked up.

I hear voices and open my eyes to a nurse. "Sorry to wake you sweetie. But I need to change your bandages." I nod and watch as she lifts the blanket off me. How had I not noticed before? The bandages are massive. My whole chest is covered, from just under my armpits to a few inches above my navel. Both of my forearms are wrapped, my right more heavily.

She starts prodding lower and I lay my head back down and close my eyes. I feel her lift my leg and she begins unwrapping my calf.

"Does this hurt?" Her fingers are slightly cold but there's no pain.

"No."

I hear rustling and she's on the other side of me. She lifts my other leg and repeats, again asking if it hurts and it doesn't. She moves onto my arms, right first and then left. "Now I need you to sit up for me."

I nod and she helps me. "How's it… uh… look?"

She removes the last of the bandages and smiles. "They're all healing nicely. Most should heal rather quickly. If you're lucky, most of the scars will fade overtime."

I nod slowly, only half hearing her.

"I'd like to have your doctor look at these, see if he wants to re-bandage or let them breathe."

I nod and watch as she slips out the door. It closes behind her. "Scars…" My voice is soft and even I can hear the nervousness in it. And suddenly I want a mirror. I slip out of the bed but before I can touch the floor, my knees buckle. I let out a groan as I lift myself up off the floor.

"Guess I've been in that bed too long." I mumble. I move slowly and it's taking forever but the feeling comes back as I reach the small bathroom. There's a mirror but it's small and above the sink. I pout as I step towards it and stand on my toes.

I was too afraid to just simply look down. Each cut was easily visible but I just couldn't bring myself to look down at them. Crazy, I know. The next couple of days went by. They weren't uneventful, to say the least. My mother stayed glued to my side once she found out I was awake. She screamed and cried a lot and didn't believe me when I say I didn't remember what happened. She kept asking me why over and over again and I had no answer for her. She wouldn't let me call Riku and she wouldn't let him in to see me. She was convinced he was the problem. And okay, so maybe in a way he was. But it's not his fault I fell in love with him. Hell, he didn't fucking know about it! It was none of her damn business.

"Honey, please talk to me!"

I sigh and suddenly feel guilty. "I'm sorry mom." I say and feel the tears coming. "I'm so sorry I'll put you through this. You shouldn't have to worry about me. And the work you've missed…"

She sinks down on the bed beside me and wraps her arms around me. "Honey. I'm not worried about me or my job. I'll be fine and I can always get another job. You I can't replace. I love you, Sora. You just concentrate on you and get better."

Okay. So yes. It is her business. Sort of. She's my mother. And parents are always going to worry, huh? It's just in their programming. And I do love her to death.

"So when can I go home?" It's Tuesday morning and I've been awake, in this room, for 3 days. I think I'm going crazy!

"Physically you're fine." The doctor is saying.

I smile but my mom looks at me doubtfully. "But?" She says, looking back to the doctor.

"But, as with all suicidal patients…"

"I'm not suicidal!" I interrupt.

"Sora let the doctor finish." Mom looks tired.

I sigh and lower my head and Kairi scoots her chair closer to the bed. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I smile at her.

"What do we have to go to get him out of here?" I watch as mom stands up and walks over to stand next to the doctor. I hate being talked about like I'm not in the room. But if it gets me out of here faster, then I can keep my mouth shut. Suddenly I feel grateful that she's there.

"He'll have to meet with our psychiatrist and she'll have to sign off on him leaving. She'll set up some sort of appointment schedule. How often will be up to her."

I sign and shake my head. Therapy? Really? Am I that fucked up?

"When's the earliest we can get this done?"

"This afternoon."

Yeah, I guess I am. I sigh and lean back in the bed. Mom continues to talk with the doctor and I lean my head closer to Kairi. "Hey Kairi." I whisper so only she can hear me.

She steals a quick glance at my mom and the doctor, like she can read my mind that I don't want them to head, and then leans closer to me. "Yeah?"

"Can I borrow your phone? When my mom leaves the room?"

She looks at me funny and tilts her head to the side. "Why?"

I cast a sideways glance at my mom to make sure she hasn't noticed us whispering yet. "I need to talk to Riku."

"Sora…" She takes on a motherly tone. "Your mom doesn't want you to see him right now."

"Kairi!" I can feel my mouth drop open. I can't believe she's agreeing with her.

"I think you should wait. With what happened…"

"He did nothing!" I hiss. "Can I use your phone or not?"

She looks away from me but she shakes her head no.

And I'm furious with her.

It was one thing for my mom to forbid me from seeing Riku. She's my mother. She raised me. She took care of me. And she spent how long worrying when I vanished from the islands? Her I could deal with. Whether I snuck away when she wasn't watching or just used my cell phone once I got back home. But Kairi? She's supposed to be my friend. My best friend. And Riku's. Why would she agree with mom? Why would she try to keep me from talking to Riku? But I guess she had her reasons. I was pretty bad off for a while. I scared the shit out of everyone. So yes. I forgave her. And quickly. Though she still refused to let me use her phone.

Kairi has her hand around my waist, acting like I need help walking. I laugh and throw my arm around her to hug her closer. "I can walk perfectly fine. I was only stiff for like a day."

She sticks her tongue out at me and drags me down the hall. "Here. I think this is the office."

I look at the nameplate next to the door. "Dr. Michelle Whick." I read. "Yep. She's going to shrink me."

Kairi's laughing. "Then I can carry you in my pocket."

I roll my eyes and peek my head in. "Dr. Whick?"

For an older woman, Dr. Whick is pretty. Her brunette hair is peppered with gray and pulled back in a high ponytail. Her brown eyes twinkle as she smiles. "Yes?"

"I'm Sora."

"Oh yes." She smiles and motions for me to sit.

I wave a quick goodbye to Kairi, close the door, and sit.

"Hello Sora. I'm Michelle Whick but you can call me Mickey."

I smile and nod.

"How are you feeling today?"

I shrug, not looking at her. "Fine."

"Sora. This is a safe place. Nothing said in this room leaves this room, alright?"

I nod, though I still don't feel any better about this.

"So. I ask you again. How are you feeling?"

I sigh and look down at my lap. I bite my lip and despite her seeming nice, I don't want to talk.

"I can't sign off on you until you talk to me."

"Okay." I say softly. Why not? What did I have to lose anyways? I'm already crazy. Didn't this prove it? "I don't know what happened to me. I mean… I know because everyone keeps telling me. But I can't remember. It's like it was someone else. I went to school. And I woke up in a hospital."

"And how do you feel about that?"

I shrug. What a shrink thing to ask. "Weird, I guess. Sort of freaked out. I guess its traumatic stress syndrome. Too painful to remember so I'm subconsciously suppressing the memories. At some point it'll all come back. Could be today or years from now."

She's looking at me oddly, probably trying to figure out if I'm full of shit. I'm not the complete idiot people take me for. At least not all the time. I have my moments. "Tell me about the poem." She says after a moment.

I shrug again, for like the millionth time. "It was just a school assignment. I don't remember finishing it."

"Who's it about, Sora?"

I know the answer, even if I don't remember writing it. Kairi showed me the copy my mom found. I drop my gaze. "I don't remember."

She's silent for a minute and I shift uneasily in the chair. "Tell me about Riku."

I flinch involuntarily at his name. Damnit. Why did she have to bring him up? "He and I… we used to be friends… best friends. We… went on a trip for a while… with our friend Kairi."

"He was your friend? He's not anymore?"

I advert my gaze again. "We sort of just grew apart."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know. I miss when the three of us hung out together."

"How do you feel about Riku?"

Damnit. She keeps saying his name. There's a pain in my lip and I realize I'm chewing on it.

"I understand you had a fight with him that day."

I look up as she starts talking. "I don't remember."

"You kissed him?"

"I don't remember." And my eyes are on my hands again.

"Sora." She presses again. "How do you feel about Riku?"

"Ugh!" I groan and lean over to rest my head on my knees. It's not exactly comfortable but I can't see her anymore. "Stop saying his name!" I snap.

"Why Sora? What is it about Riku that troubles you?" Her voice is so calm, so even. And I start to hate it.

"I'm having trouble breathing." I close my eyes and clench my teeth as my chest tightens. I can feel it constricting.

"Take it easy." I feel her hands on my back. "Take a deep breath."

I do as I'm told and after a few minutes, the pressure lessens. I take a last deep breath and sit back up.

Dr. Whick's looking at me with a smile on her face. "We're through here. I'll let your doctor know you can leave."

"Wait!" I just had a panic attack because she used his name a few too many times and she's letting me go? What kind of freak doctor is she? "That's it?"

She nods, scribbling something on a piece of paper. "I want to see you twice a week for the next two weeks. We'll see how it goes after that."

Twice a week? I groan and slide down in the chair.

She smiles and slides the slip of paper she'd been writing on across the table. "Take this to the pharmacy. A mild sedative to help relax you if this happens again."

I nod and sigh and half ignore her as she talks about scheduling the appointments. I'm not paying attention anymore. I'm told that I have a short attention span, that I don't pay attention. Maybe that's why I'm slinking by in school. Oh well. Maybe one day…

"Sora… did you hear me?"

"Huh?" Mom's looking at me and I can see the worry in her face. "Sorry mom. I'm just tired. I want to sleep in my own bed."

She sighs and sits down beside me. She ruffles my hair and I smile and bat her away. "Okay. I have to go back to work today. I'm out of vacation and sick days."

I nod.

"I'll only be gone for two days. And I'll have my phone on me at all times. I want you to call me every hour."

"Mom!"

"Every hour, Sora! I'm serious. And I'm sending Kairi home with you to watch you."

"Watch me?"

She nods. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"Kairi has school." I say, trying to think of an excuse. With Kairi there, there was little chance I could talk to Riku. She'd be on me worse than mom would. "I have school."

"You aren't going back to school yet."

"And I can take a few days off." Kairi's smiling as she walks through the door.

I groan and shake my head. "I'm not a baby."

"No. But until I'm convinced that you'll never do something like this again, you won't be left alone."

I want to argue with her, but I know I won't win. So I nod instead. "When can we get out of here then?"

Boy was I happy to get out of there. It took nearly an hour to get the paperwork done. And mom took us to get something to eat. It was pretty late when she dropped us off at home. I was actually a little sad that she had to leave that night. But she had some really important conference or meeting off island early in the morning. Or something. I don't really remember what she said. Maybe I do have a short attention span. Huh.

"How are you feeling?" Kairi's looking at me with worry in her eyes.

"Fine." I answer. "Tired." I rub at the back of my neck and yawn.

"Do you need help?"

I roll my eyes. "I can walk up the stairs, change my clothes, and get into bed all by myself."

"I know that." She's smiling. "I just didn't know… can you sleep in your room? Will you be okay?"

"I can handle it, Kairi."

"Alone? I could make a bed on your floor and we can have a sleepover."

"No!" I snap. And she looks hurt. I sigh. "I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow. Right now… I just want a little time alone. I want to be normal."

"Sora…"

"You can tell my mom you slept in my bed with me if that makes you feel better. But I just want one night."

She has her hands on her hips and a scowl on her lips. And I'm certain she's going to handcuff herself to me. But then she softens and wraps her arms around me. "I'm just worried about you, Sora. But alright. I'll sleep down here on the couch. If you need anything…"

"I'll holler mom."

She releases me and her smile deepens. "I'll make breakfast in the morning. Then we can get cracking on all that makeup work."

I groan. "I hate school." She laughs and I say goodnight and head for the stairs. It feels weird, walking up them. And despite what I said to Kairi, I do feel nervous as I reach for the door knob. But it doesn't turn.

"Oh great! Who locked my fucking door?" And I'm mad. Who locked me out? Mom? Kairi? They don't have to treat me like a baby. I shake my head and stand up on my toes and reach for the top of the door frame. I'd lost the key to my room long ago and no matter how many new locks or keys my mom gave me, I always lost them. So she gave up and I learned how to pick the lock.

It takes less than a minute after I find the bobby pin. "Ha!" The lock clicks and the knob turns and I push the door open. And for the second time today, I can't breathe.

It was weird. For three days, I had no memories of what happened. I tried and tried to remember. I read and reread that damn poem and had Kairi told me the story a million times. But it was like it wasn't real because I couldn't remember. Like it all happened to someone else. And then I saw him and it all came running back. I swear. It was all so fucked up.

There he is! In my bed! Asleep! And he's so beautiful. And all I can think about it how he tasted when I kissed him and how he felt when I pressed up against him.

I feel dizzy with the sudden realizations and have to grab the doorframe to keep from tipping over. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself and get my breathing back under control.

He's laying on his side, his back to me. I can see the rise and fall of his breathing. And it hits me again. I kissed him. And I want to do it again. And before I realize it, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at him. His long, silver hair. His perfect, pale skin. His hard, muscular shoulders. I reach out and touch that shoulder. I follow the muscle lines down to his elbow and back up.

He shifts and I freeze. "Sora?" His voice is low and hoarse as he rolls over. Even though he was just sleeping, he looks exhausted, like he hasn't slept in weeks.

And I feel guilty for making him worry about me. And that he had to find me. And that my mother wouldn't let me talk to him. And I feel guilty for the current silence. And I'm afraid to say anything because I can't bear the thought of him walking away from me again.

He drops his eyes down to my hand, which was still resting on his shoulder.

Realizing it, I pull it away and he reaches for it. I bite my lip as he sits up and takes my hand in both of his. He turns it over and stares at my palm. I shift a bit and I'm glad for the long sleeved shirt my mom brought me. I don't want him to see them.

I watch, horrified, as he starts pushing my sleeve up. I yank my arm back only to have him grab it again. And he's stronger than me. And he has me in a vice grip. And I want to pout. It's just not fair. But I don't pull back this time as he pushes my sleeve up. The cuts have all closed and scabbed over. A few are still an angry red but they don't hurt.

Gingerly, his fingers trace the cuts, moving up my arm. He moves slowly, methodically, like he's memorizing them or something crazy. I wish I could read his mind. But his face is blank.

He grabs the bunched up sleeve and pulls it back down and I think he's done. But he inches closer and he fingers the bottom hem of my shirt. I try to read his face again but he still won't look at me. I wish he'd at least say something. Because the silence is killing me and I can't bring myself to break it. And it feels like he's taking forever though I know it's only been a matter of minutes since I came into the room.

I sigh but I lean forward and allow him to strip off the shirt. A light chill caresses my bare chest but I suppress a shiver. And I continue to watch his movements, as mesmerized by him as he seems to be by the scars.

His fingers graze my left collar bone and I can feel him tracing the scar that runs from there, over my sternum, and near my right nipple. His fingers are slow and soft and I can barely feel them and it's too much. Without meaning to, a soft moan escapes my lips.

The sound seems to have waken him from whatever trance he was in. He shakes his head and raises his eyes to mine. And I'm staring at him and I feel like I could get lost in those cyan eyes.

And then he drops his gaze to the hem of the sweatpants I'm wearing. I should be more horrified. But I'm not. He's the one who found me after all. He's seen me naked and covered in blood. I brace myself and lift my hips as he pulls the pants off. I'm suddenly aware of the pair of boxers I'm wearing. Pink. Very bright neon pink. A gift from Kairi because she thinks she's so damn funny.

But if Riku notices the girly color, he has no reaction. Instead, he inspects the healing cuts. And his fingers are tracing lines on my thighs. A shiver runs up my spine and a second moan escapes my lips. He seems oblivious to me as he continues to trace the marks on my legs.

I feel my frustration with him mounting and I push his hands away roughly.

Riku looks up again, his eyes sad. "I'm sorry I did this to you." His voice is soft.

And suddenly I'm furious. "I did this!" I snap. "I'm tired of everyone blaming you for something I did! My mom, the doctors, the damn therapist. Even Kairi's starting to believe them." I grab Riku's shoulders and give him a shake. "You did nothing! You saved my life. I'm still here because you saved me."

He's still staring at me like he still doesn't get it.

"I'm in love with you. Me. This is no one's fault but my own!" And suddenly I'm grabbing him by his collar and pulling him towards me. My lips touch his and for a moment, neither of us move. I wait for him to shove me away again. I can feel my heart trying to pound out of my chest. When he doesn't move away, my tongue moves on its own and it runs along his bottom lip.

I fumble, trying to pull at the fabric of his too-tight shirt. I feel him grinning against my lips and he pulls away long enough to shed the second skin. He discards the shirt with a flick of his wrist and pulls my face against his. I run my fingers down his shoulders, arms, and back, relishing in the soft, taut skin. My fingers feel like they are burning as I touch him but his hands are still on my face.

His pace is driving me crazy and I pull away from him. "Riku!" It comes out practically a snarl. "I'm okay, I promise. I won't break."

He looks at me doubtfully and I shove him hard, feeling the frustration bubbling up again. I climb on top of him and straddle his waist. I can see the surprise in his eyes. I grind my hips against him and I see him suck in a deep breath, watching me. I do it again and am awarded with a soft moan.

"Sora…"

I hear the warning tone in his voice and I smile. I grind against him a third time and then suddenly I'm on my back and he's pinned my arms above my head. His free hand is on my chest, tracing lines up and down my mostly non-existent abs. It tickles and I wiggle under him. He stops suddenly and I let out a whine. "Damn it, Riku. You're so fucking frustrating!"

He smiles and opens his mouth to say something, but it never comes.

"Sora?"

We pull apart as we hear her voice. "Shit. Hide!"

"What?" He's looking at me, confused.

"It's Kairi. She knows everything and my mom's sort of forbid me to see you and she's sworn her to babysit me. Please Riku! I'm not ready to have you leave yet."

He groans and rolls his eyes but jumps up.

I grab the discarded clothes and pull the blanket up over them and myself. My bedroom door opens just as my closet door closes.

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"Uh… no. Haven't been able to fall asleep yet."

She steps into the room, looking worried. "Are you okay? You look flushed."

"I'm fine." I say all too quickly and nervously.

Kairi stares at me a moment before her nose wrinkles. "Goodnight."

"What… Kairi… wait! What's wrong?" But she slips out and closes the door. I frown at the door and hear laughing. I look over to see Riku leaning against my closet door. "What's so funny?"

"You. And Kairi. She thinks you were yanking it."

My mouth drops open.

"You're as red as a tomato and lying in your bed, naked and half covered with a blanket."

"I'm not naked." I protest and pull the blanket off. I stand up, again wishing I wasn't wearing those particular boxers.

Riku drops his gaze to the floor. "I can take care of that." He looks up at me and I swear he looks timid. And I'm afraid he's going to fly out the window. And suddenly I'm standing right in front of him, looking up to meet his gaze. He still hasn't moved from the closet door.

"You're still wearing pants."

"I don't want to hurt you." He says softly.

My fingers seek out the button on his pants. "You can't hurt me any more than I've hurt myself."

I didn't mean that the way it came out. I really didn't. I meant the emotional shit. The years I spent lusting after the guy. I tore myself apart emotionally more than physically. But I regretted saying that the instant I did. I mean, really! There I was, standing in my room, half naked with the guy I could get off my mind. Dream come true, right? And I had to go and say an insensitive thing like that.

He frowns and pushes me away. Not hard, but it forces me a step backwards. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think it's funny?" He's angry and I can tell he's trying to keep his voice down.

I pray Kairi is either asleep or down in the living room watching something. I don't want her to hear and come back up. Please, stay down stairs.

"Sora?"

He's looking at me and I feel small. "No." I shake my head. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Just shut up for a minute." He interrupts. "I have a few things I need to say."

"Riku…"

"I mean it, Sora. Shut up and listen or I'm walking out the front door. Right in front of Kairi."

"Okay, okay." I hold up my hands. I don't want him to leave.

He looks down at the floor for a long while and I think he's changed his mind.

"Riku?"

He holds up his hand. "Give me a second. This isn't easy for me."

I nod and turn around, thinking maybe it would be easier if I wasn't facing him. Kairi slips into my mind again. While I can't control her listening through the door, I can control her coming through the door. I cross the room towards the door and lock it. Now at least if she comes upstairs again, we can just be quiet and fake sleeping.

I hear him sigh and I'm afraid he's going to flee. "You know I never… I'm not good at…" He's stuttering and he's nervous and it's so cute.

I turn and watch him. "Stop trying to be the tough guy. You don't always have to be so… perfect and in control. Just… stop!"

He shakes his head slowly. "I thought I told you to shut up." But his mouth curls up in a smile. "Okay. It's not easy for me to talk about how I feel or to let other people take control. It's not something I'm always proud of, but I'm very competitive and I have to be in control. And that Friday…"

I hear him faltering and cross the room towards him. "Riku…"

"No." He holds up his hand to stop me. "I want to explain myself."

"You don't…" I try to say but he stops me.

"Yes, I have to. I have to apologize to you. And to Kairi. I never meant to leave you guys behind like that. It just happened."

"The blames not all on you. Kairi and I could have… called or bugged you or something."

"Maybe. But I never wanted it to happen. I missed you. And Kairi." He adds quickly. "I wanted to call you so many times."

"I wish you had." I step closer to him, enough that I could reach out and touch him. I think about it, but I don't.

"About Friday… I honestly thought you liked Cyndi. I swear."

"I believe you." I say it because I think he needs to hear it.

"When you kissed me… you caught me off guard. I… over reacted. And if I could take it back, I would." He looks down at the floor. "When Kairi called me… she begged, she said some harsh things… but she didn't need to. I wanted to see you. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to kiss you again."

"You wanted to kiss me? Really?" I can't believe my ears are hearing these words.

He looks down at the floor again. "I was a little freaked out by it but yeah, I did. So… I get to your house… and you don't answer when I yell. I go to your room… and you're… I… I thought you were dead. You didn't move. There was so much blood. I thought there was no way you'd open your eyes again. I thought… I'd never get to see you again. I wouldn't get to talk or apologize to you or touch you…"

He looks so broken and I feel so awful. I reach out to touch him and he pulls away. "Riku…"

"You didn't talk, you didn't move, I couldn't even tell if you were breathing right."

I ignore his retreating steps and throw my arms around his neck. I pull him against me and hold him as tight as I can. "I'm okay Riku. I promise."

"I'm not." He mumbles and I feel his arms on my back and he's holding me so tight I can hardly breathe. "I know it sounds fucked up and selfish but I don't give a shit."

"What does…" I start to ask and he grabs my shoulders and pries me away.

He's holding me at arm's length and he's looking me in the eyes and I'm biting my lip. His grip tightens and he shakes me. "You can't do anything like that ever again Sora."

"I won't…"

"You can't Sora. I need you. I can't live without you. Promise me, Sora."

"I won't." I say softly. And I feel foolish. And I'm sure my expression looks stupid.

"Promise me!" He's shaking me again.

"I promise. Now let go. You're hurting me."

He looks down to where he's gripping me and let's go.

I reach out and grab the hem of his pants again. I pull him towards me. "Can we be done with talking now?"

He's smiling. "I have one more thing to say."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Did I tell you how frustrating you are?"

He's still smiling. "I love you, Sora."

Those words drive me crazy.

The rest of the night was a blur. …okay. That's a lie. I remember everything. Every touch, every kiss. Felt like I was on fire the whole time. And I kept thinking… if I had waited like an hour that night… he could have stopped me in time. We could have skipped everything and he could have been spared that pain. What's that saying? If ifs and butts were candy and nuts something… something, something… Uh… actually… that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Candy and nuts? They don't exactly go together, do they? Except maybe chocolate covered peanuts. Huh. But anyways… back to Riku and I. Yes, we did it. And no, I don't kiss and tell. Well… okay… so I do. But I don't fuck and tell. Anyways, perfect night followed by an almost perfect morning. I was exhausted and for more reasons than the obvious. It had been a long day. I hadn't slept in my bed in forever and having to deal with my mom, doctors, the therapist, and Kairi… UGH! Having to deal with one is enough to drive anyone insane, let alone all of them. Anyways… even if Riku hadn't been there, there was no reason for Kairi to freak out when I slept in.

I feel heavy and sore. But I feel oddly happy as I yawn. I'm on my side and I try to roll over but something's in my way, stopping me. And then I remember I'm naked. And Riku's naked. And I'm laying half on top of him.

My eyes open and I see him staring at me. And he's smiling. And I feel myself blushing. And I'm mortified.

"Good morning, sleepy head."

I sit up and rub my eyes and yawn again. "What time is it?"

"After noon." He sits up as well and starts rubbing his shoulder.

"After noon?" Boy… I must have been tired. "What's wrong with your arm?"

He smiles, flexes, and let's his arm drop to his lap. "Nothing. It fell asleep because someone's been sleeping on it all night and morning."

"Oh… sorry." I say sheepishly. "You should have woken me up."

His nose wrinkles as he smiles and he shakes his head and it's so cute. "Nah. You needed it. You were exhausted. And you're cute when you sleep."

I can feel myself blushing again and I pull my knees to my chest. I know I'm grinning like an idiot and I can feel his eyes on me.

"I dropped out of calculus." He says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"My calculus class. I dropped it. Decided to take poetry instead."

I raise my head and look at him. "Really? You're in my class?"

He smiles and nods.

"But… wait… don't you need that class to graduate?"

He's nodding again.

"Why would you do that? You won't graduate!"

"I know that. I want to graduate with you."

"Me?"

"And Kairi."

"But…"

He holds up his hand to stop me. "Stop arguing with me. It's already done. Can't change it now."

But I do want to protest and I do want to argue and while I love the idea of us graduating together, I still don't think its right and he's being completely silly and he's worked so hard and now he's just giving it all away. Ugh! I sigh and shake my head slowly and suddenly I'm aware of how quiet it is and I'm nervous and I feel like crying and I'm worrying and gesh, I hate myself.

And I look up at him and I think he can read me because he's looking concerned and I hate myself more and…

"Sora?"

We both turn to look at the door as we hear her voice. She yells again and I bite my lip as the door knob rattles. "Sora? Open this door now! Sora?"

I hear the panic in her voice. "I'm okay Kairi." I shout as Riku grabs my arm.

"Closet?" He whispers in my ear and I shake my head. He shrugs and lies back on the bed.

"Sora, you open this door right now!"

I roll my eyes and climb out of the bed. I'm halfway to the door when I hear him laughing.

"Sora…"

I turn to give him a confused look and he's looking me up and down. And I remember, again, that I'm naked. I groan and grab the robe off of the back of my closet door. I throw it on and tie is loosely as Kairi bangs on the door again. "I'm coming!" I holler, getting mad.

I reach for the door knob and steal a glance back at Riku. He's lying on his side with my blanket pulled up to his chest and he nods encouragingly at me. I take a deep breath, unlock the door, and pull it open.

She's standing there, with her arms on her hips, glaring at me. "What the hell took you so long?"

"We were sleepy." It's sort of true. We were sleeping. At some point earlier.

"I don't care what you were doing! You are not to lock this door." I see the anger turn to confusion as what I said sinks in. "Wait… who's we?"

I open the door wider and step aside.

She steps in and I can literally see her ears smoking.

"Good morning Kairi." Riku's smiling smugly and I want to slap him.

"What the hell are you going here?"

And I want to slap her too.

"Sleeping. Well… he was sleeping. I was watching."

Kairi spins on her heels and wags a finger at me. "He's been here the whole night?"

"Maybe…" I say softly.

"Sora, you heard what your mother said. You aren't allowed to see him or talk to him. She trusted me to keep you safe."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room." Riku snaps. "And he's safe with me."

"Clearly."

I hear her sarcasm and I see the anger and hurt on his face. "That's enough! I'm not a baby. I don't need anybody to take care of me! That goes for both of you."

"Well tough shit." Kairi snaps, wagging her finger at me again. "Because like it or not, your mother did put me in charge of you until she gets back." She turns and glares at Riku. "I want you out of here. Now."

"No." I answer for him, shaking my head.

"You, shut up." She points at me and then points at him. "You, out of the bed."

I turn to see him smiling and shaking his head. "No can do. My pants are over there."

He points to the closet and she sees the pile clothes and her eyes narrow and she looks possessed. "I'm calling your mother."

I roll my eyes. "Kairi!"

She spins again and is out the door before I can stop her. "Damnit, Kairi!" I'm furious and I want to chase after her and rip whatever phone she's planning on using from her hands and throw is against the wall and… ugh! I'm pissed as hell. And then his arms are around me and I feel him pressing up against my back and I push against him and sigh. He bites my ear and I let out an embarrassing squeak and he's laughing. And I can't believe how easy and right this feels. "I don't want this to end." I say softly.

"I know." He whispers against my ear and it sends a shiver down my spine.

I turn around in his embrace and wrap my arms around his neck. "I think we need to take a shower."

His eye brow raises. "A shower, huh?"

"Well… you are naked and I'm wearing a bath robe."

"Damn, Sora. Is that all you think about?"

I smile. If only he knew. "Making up for lost time.

Oh come on. We were two healthy, hormone ridden teenage boys. If Kairi hadn't disturbed us, I doubt we would have been able to leave my bed. Seriously. It was like once I got a taste, I couldn't get enough of him. And I'm pretty certain he felt the same way. The phrase 'fucked like bunnies' comes to my mind.

He's got his arms around my waist as his lips are on my neck and I push him away playfully. "You're wet."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah. That happens when I take a shower." He's got a towel wrapped around his waist and my robe's back on. He steps closer again and his hands are under my robe, tracing the lines again.

I look up to meet his eyes and once again see the sadness there. "Are you ever going to be able to look at me and not see them?"

He looks at me for a long while and I think he's never going to answer and I feel like an idiot and I'm silently freaking out. "I don't know." He says softly.

I pull away from his hands and pull the robe tighter around me. "There. Now you can't see them anymore."

He's smiling. "If you stay fully clothed all the time, it'll be hard to uh…" He looks down and quickly back up. "… do stuff."

I smile and open my mouth to answer… and then she interrupts. Again.

"Sora."

I turn and cross my arms and she's in the doorway, glaring again.

"Your mom wants you to call her. Now."

"Okay. I will. If you get out and leave me alone."

She's still glaring.

"I have to get dressed."

She looks at Riku and she's scowling and I step forward and push her out of the way and slam the door. "Sora, I swear…" I hear her through the door.

"Fuck off Kairi!"

"Sora." I feel his hand on my arm and I flinch at the tone in his voice. "She's just worried about you."

"I don't care." I mumble. I know it's a lie. And apparently so does he.

"Yes you do, Sora. You love her. She's your best friend."

I turn around and look up at him. "What about you?"

"I'm your friend to."

"I want you to be more than my friend."

"Apologize to Kairi." He pulls away and turns his back to me.

"Riku…" He says nothing as he takes his towel off and pulls his pants on. "Riku!"

He grabs his shirt off the floor and stands up. His hair's still wet and it's plastered to his shoulders and it's dripping down his chest. "Apologize to Kairi and call your mother. And be nice. They care about you so much. They just want you to be safe. To be okay."

I bite my lip and I feel sick. "What about you?"

He shrugs and looks away. "I agree with them. But… I don't think I can stay away."

"I don't want you to."

He's smiling and he turns for my window.

"Where're you going?"

He pauses and he has one leg out the window. "Home. To get some clean clothes and tell my dad where I am."

"Oh…"

"I'll be back. If you want me."

"I do."

He smiles and disappears out the window and I still wonder how he does it.

But then I start thinking about Kairi and I know he's right. I change quickly, dry my hair, and go look for her. I find her leaning against the counter in the kitchen. Her back's to me and I can tell she's heard me. She turns slowly and wipes her eyes and I know she's been crying and I just feel awful. I sigh and step forward and draw her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry." I whisper and she's crying again.

I hold her for a few minutes before she pulls away. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve again. "No." She's shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. And I shouldn't have called your mother. I can't explain it but when I saw him in your bed… I just lost it. I just… can't see you… with him."

"Kairi…" I grab her chin and make her look at me. "If it wasn't him, it would have been some other guy."

"But… you…"

"Kairi, I'm gay."

"Are you sure?"

"If I wasn't before I know I am now."

She wrinkles her nose and I smile. I wonder if she knows how often she does that. I'm guessing not. "I can guess what happened last night. Are you sure it's such a good idea?"

"Better be." I smile. "We did it three times."

"Sora!" Her nose wrinkles again and I swear she looks like a tomato. "That is not what I meant. You just got out of the hospital. Don't you think you should wait until you're fully healed before jumping in bed with someone?"

"I am healed. And it wasn't just the bed…"

"Sora! I swear!"

I smile because it's fun to make her squirm. I'm thinking it'll be a good idea to be more vocal when she's in the room. "Okay, okay. I get what you're saying. And maybe you're right. But… I don't know. It felt right."

"Are you certain? He didn't…"

She tails off and I shake my head. "Oh no. He was… very…"

"Sora."

I smile again. "I was going to say frustrating. He kept apologizing for hurting me and acting like if he touched me, I'd break."

She's looking at me hard and I try to guess what's going through her head. Then she jabs me in the ribs with her finger. "Ow! Hey!"

"Nope. You didn't break." It takes a second for the joke to sink in. And then I'm laughing and she's laughing and I feel better and I'm so glad Riku made me apologize to her.

She stops and gets serious again. "You're positive?"

"I love him. He loves me."

"But what if in a month or next week or tomorrow he wakes up and decides he doesn't anymore? What if he says it was all a mistake?"

"Well…" I say softly and my mind starts turning. Her question catches me off guard. After a minute I shrug. "I think… I'd be okay. Because even if we aren't together forever… I liked it. I know what it feels like to… be close to someone and to love someone. To spend the night being together and talking and to wake up in someone's arms. I want that. And I want that with Riku. But if now, I'd want to find someone else."

She's looking at me and I get the feeling she thinks I'm full of shit. "I wish you would have talked to me, Sora. I could have helped you."

I'm not sure that's true but I smile and nod. I know it makes her feel better. "I got my memory back." I say suddenly, wanting to divert the conversation from Riku and me.

"Really? Why didn't you say that first?" She latches onto me and starts jumping and I jump with her. "Oh fantastic! How did it happen?"

I shrug as she releases me. "It just sort of happened. I was just standing there and then I remembered."

"Messed up."

"Tell me about it." I groan. "But hey. Since our celebration was cut short and put off… how about the three of us celebrate our little anniversary tonight?"

"The three of us? It was supposed to be you and me."

"Only because neither of us had the courage to ask Riku."

Her nose wrinkles, yet again, and she shakes her head. "He's up there, isn't he?"

I shake my head. "He ran back home for a little while. But he's coming back."

She sighs and shrugs. "Okay. He can stay. I'll forgive him and play nice. We'll have a great time."

I smile and hug her and I feel like I'm floating.

"But you need to call your mom. She's probably freaking out. I… said some things… I probably shouldn't have."

"Kairi!"

"I was mad. So forgive me and go call her."

I groan and push her away gently. "I will, I will."

"Right now!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going." I start heading back upstairs and realize she's behind me. "What are you going?"

"Making sure you call her. I know you."

I roll my eyes but have to give her credit. She's smart and right because I had no intention of calling her yet.

Kairi pushes me in my room and I throw a glare her way.

"Call! Now!"

I groan again and grab my cell of my nightstand. Then I jump on my bed and lean against the wall it sits on. I dial the number and lift it to my ear. I hear it ringing and I'm biting my lip.

"Sora! What the hell took so long?"

I flinch at the tone in her voice. "Mom…"

"What the hell is he doing there? I told you not to see him or talk to him."

"Mom…"

"Sora, you almost died because of him."

"And I would have if he didn't find me."

"He wouldn't have needed to if he stayed away from you."

"Mom…"

"Sora I swear, when I get back…"

I hear her yelling but I'm smiling and not listening and the phone moves a few inches from my ear.

Riku's sitting in my window. He's fully dressed and his hair is dry and he's obliviously brush it and I'm suddenly thinking how I'd like to brush it and wondering if he'd let me. "Can I come in?"

I smile and nod and pat the bed beside me.

He looks at Kairi. "Is it safe?"

She sticks out her tongue.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You better." I whisper and pat the bed again.

He smiles and practically falls on top of me. I push him and end up with his head in my lap and he won't move. He's looking up at me and I suddenly remember my mom. I move the phone back to my ear.

"… listing to me? That's it! I'm getting on the next flight out of here. And when I get home, I'm locking you in that room of yours and throwing the key away."

"Mom! I'm sorry. I dropped the phone. I didn't hear you."

"I could hear her pause and take a deep breath. "Okay. I'll start over then."

"Can I say something first?"

She's silent a moment and I'm glad she's not here. I don't want to see what's on her face. "Fine. But make it quick. I have more yelling to do."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I love you mom. More than anything. I love how you worry about me and I love how you'd do anything for me. I love how you take care of me and that you let me come home. Because you're right. You could have locked me away and thrown away the key. I deserve it after what I did. And I can't change it or take it back. But I also can't change the way I feel. I… I am… gay mom. I've known that fact for a long while. If it weren't Riku, it would be some other guy. But it is and… I love him… I… want him. I think I need him right now."

I don't realize I'm crying until I feel Riku's hands on my face, wiping the tears away. He's sitting up and he forces me to look at him. "I'm not going anywhere." He whispers it so softly that I barely hear it. "I need you too."

I nod and smile and wipe my eyes with my hand.

"Well…" I shake my head slowly as I hear mom again and concentrate on her voice. "I can't say I'm completely happy with all that. I'm not convinced that boy is good for you. But I guess I can give him a second chance. Though I know I don't like the naked sleepover."

I feel my cheeks redden and I glare at Kairi. "I'm going to kill you." I mouth.

She smiles awkwardly and shrugs.

"Yeah… that…"

"Sex is something special Sora."

"Mom!"

She continues on as if not hearing me protest. "I want you to be careful, Sora. I don't think you fully understand what having sex means."

I lean forward and cover my eyes with my hand. "Mom! I'm begging…"

"Though I guess in this care, you needn't worry about accidently getting pregnant."

I snap back up and my mouth drops open.

"But don't let that boy take advantage of you. You don't have to be a complete bottom."

I'm fucking serious. Serious! She really said that! It's got to be the most unmotherly thing she's ever said to me. One minute, she's telling me sex is special, then she's saying it's good I can't get pregnant, and then not to be a bottom all the time. I was mortified. And certain I'd never be able to talk to her again. Or stand in the same room with her without turning white. Seriously! I still have no idea what prompted her to say any of that. She didn't know what we did. All she knew was that Kairi caught us with our pants down, so to speak.

"Mom! Please stop!"

"Sora, stop being so embarrassed. You should be able to talk about sex with your mother."

I shake my head and feel a bit dizzy. My eyes are on my lap because I don't want to know if Kairi or Riku are watching me. "No teenage boy wants to hear his mom talk about being a bottom."

"I'm just saying Sora…"

I lie down on the bed and curl up with my back to Riku. I grab my pillow and pull it over my head. "Mom, you're a freak! I'm not talking about sex with you anymore!"

"Fine. Let me talk to him."

That catches me by surprise. "What?"

"I assume he's there. Let me talk to him."

"Mom…"

"Now, Sora."

I groan and lift the phone from my ear and thrust it in the direction that I know Riku is in. I'm still hiding under the pillow and not planning on coming out. "She wants to talk to you."

I feel him take the phone and I hold my breath. Last night was so wonderful and this morning started off nice. And it'll all be over soon. Yep. She's going to say something completely embarrassing, more than the comment about pregnancy and being a bottom, and scare him away and damn it. Why can't I have a normal mother? One that would tell me to be careful and that's it? I really want to die now.

I strain to hear what he's saying through the pillow because I'm dying of curiosity.

It's quiet for a moment, and then he says, "Uh… okay." More silence. "Yes, ma'am. I understand." Another silent moment. "I'm glad to hear that." I really wish I could hear that she's saying. "I miss that." Did I hear a positive tone? "I hope we can." I must be imagining it. Surely it's not going good. "I wouldn't expect any less."

I still feel like shit and I'm still hiding and I can hear Riku hit the end button on my phone and ugh! Well… it was nice while it lasted. We had a good run. Less than twenty-four hours. I think I'm going to throw up.

And then the air is knocked out of me and I feel like I'm being smothered and I hear him laughing. "Get off!"

The pillow's pulled away and try to push him off but then he's got my arms pinned and he's straddling my waist and he's smiling and we both turn to look at the door as Kairi shrieks.

She's covering her eyes and holding her hand out. "Wait until I leave the room before you start mounting each other."

My jaw drops open and Riku's laughing and he releases my hands and sits up. "Come on, Kairi." He says smiling. "Just harmless fun. We've done it a million times."

"Maybe." She drops her hand and opens her eyes. "But now there's subtext."

Riku's not paying attention to me and I take the opportunity to shove him off. I see him starting to get back up and turn but I'm already off the bed and running towards the door. I grab Kairi's hand and pull her down the hall with me.

There's still a nagging thought in the back of my head that all this is going to stop and he's going to disappear. But I shove it away as I hear Kairi giggling beside me and Riku's laughter behind me.

Author's Ramblings: GAH! Waaaaay longer than I had anticipated. And this is the longest chapter I've ever written! For anything! Ugh! I think I got a bit carried away with a few parts. But I could have made it worse. Haha. It's not finished yet. I haven't decided how much longer it will be. I can't quite decide on how to end it but there will be at least one more wrap-up chapter with mommy and therapists.