A/N - WARNING: More exploration of Tim's response to his newly discovered parentage.
Six that night found Tim being driven back to the boss' house, presumably for dinner before getting a ride home. When Gibbs had issued the request while Tony and Ziva had been out to lunch earlier in the day, Tim hadn't thought much of it; his mind so wrapped up the searches he'd been running all morning and the cold cases at hand. But, now, enroute to said dinner, Tim's mind was screaming that something was up and he had no clue what it could be. When he glanced at his boss, seeing the man's profile as he drove toward his house, Tim saw only concentration and seriousness.
"Something on your mind?" Gibbs asked.
"No." Tim said quickly and looked back out his passenger window while the world outside flew by.
"McGee. Just spit it out." The boss told him in frustration.
"Boss?"
"Something's botherin' you. What is it?" Gibbs asked him.
"Nothing important." Tim conceded quietly rather than admit what he was worried about.
Gibbs closed his mouth; unwilling to push; yet. The time for pushing issues would come when Ducky was there to help him do it in the most constructive way possible. Choosing to try to lessen the young man's fears, the boss changed the subject. "Steak sound good to you?"
"Sounds great." Tim answered without delay or doubt but plenty of surprise in his voice.
Gibbs chuckled. "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"
Once at the house, the two of them set about getting dinner ready, with Tim offering to make the salad and prep the potatoes and dinner rolls while Gibbs tenderized the steaks and heated up the oven. It wasn't long before everything that needed to be done for dinner, had been done and all that was left was the waiting for the food to cook. As they cleaned up their mess from the food preparations, Gibbs' phone rang.
"Yeah. Gibbs."
"Jethro, I'm afraid, I won't be able to make it in time for dinner. I should be able to arrive a little after 7:30, if that's all right?" Ducky offered.
"Everything all right, Duck?" the Team Leader asked in concern.
"Oh, yes, everything's fine. I'm simply running behind schedule,"
"This wouldn't be deliberate now, would it, Duck?" Gibbs asked with a smirk.
"Absolutely not, Jethro, why ever would you think such a thing?" Ducky asked in mock outrage.
"Yeah. Thought so. All right. See you when you get here, Duck." Gibbs let his friend off the hook and turned to look after the steaks in the oven.
************************
Tim sat lost in his thoughts as he stood bundled up against the cold, at the fence that bordered the rear of Gibbs' yard. When the boss' phone had rung, he'd quietly walked away from the room, not wanting to eavesdrop on the conversation. For some reason, he'd been drawn to the backyard, despite the bitter cold. Now that he was off the clock, his mind seemed determined to take a stroll down the memory lane of the last eight weeks. Losing the man who had long been the most important person in his world had devastated him and not being able to lean on anyone as he struggled to deal with keeping his grief at bay so he could do his job, had been one of the most difficult period of his life. Looking back, Tim couldn't even remember how he'd done it.
Now that Gibbs wanted in, wanted to help; Tim was so close to letting him in completely, it scared him He and Gibbs had never had anything that even resembled a normal relationship. That privilege of having that kind of relationship with the boss had always belonged to Tony. What would happen to his working relationship with Gibbs if Tim did let him in; let him help him wade through this mess? Would he be able to maintain enough distance to keep working for the man he'd long considered to be his surrogate father now that his real one was gone; biology not included?
After the way Gibbs had shockingly slid in behind Tim's wall of defense yesterday, when the young man had been in shock and at his most vulnerable, there was little doubt in Tim's mind that the older man was capable and willing to help him in whatever way was needed. Maybe Gibbs was just the person Tim needed to talk to.
Ducky was great, too, but there was only so much Tim was willing to dump on the elder man. The M.E.'s ability to psycho-analyze everyone; most of the time, in a very helpful way, helped Tim realize that Ducky had been the best person to talk to in the beginning and probably still was, but in all honesty, there was only so much Ducky could help him with.
The biggest problem in Tim's mind was the way he'd treated his mother. Now that he knew much more of the truth behind his parentage, the guilt was beginning to overwhelm him. Having been raised to be a gentleman, it had taken a wealth of pain, anger and sense of betrayal for him to have reacted to her pleas to be let in to what he had found in those papers, the way he had. Tim didn't know how to fix things with his mother or even his sister and had mulled the problem over again and again in his mind.
Christmas was less than a week away and Tim had, for the first time in his life, become estranged from his family. The painful truth that if his father was still alive, none of this pain would even be here, hurt so sharply that it almost stole his ability to breathe. He was alone for the upcoming holidays and that thought hurt like hell too. There was no way his mother would forgive him for the way he'd treated her. Hell, Sarah was beyond pissed at him, too. He had no doubt she wouldn't want to talk to him either.
So, the question remained; what was he supposed to do to fix this? If he tried to talk to his mother and apologize, she'd probably want to explain what had really happened to her when he was conceived and that was something he just didn't want to have to hear. It wasn't that he didn't care; more that he wasn't capable of handling anymore from what had to have been a most painful and terrifying situation for her. If she wanted to talk about it; that would only open up the door on his own doubts into who he was now; where he had really fit in with her life.
Tim already had a boatload full of questions about all of that. Had he really been a wanted child or had he just been allowed to be born because she didn't believe in abortion? Had she really loved him? Or did she spend the entire time she was raising him, resenting him and hating him? Was she forced to remember being raped every time she looked at him? Did she see that monster every time she looked at him or did she see Tim for himself? Was the man he thought of as his father, the only stabilizing force that kept love alive in his mother's heart for Tim?
"McGee?" Gibbs called him from the back porch "You all right?
When no answer came back at him, the boss headed out into the yard toward his brooding agent. "Hey! McGee! Talk to me! You all right?"
Tim's mind stopped mid thought and he blinked as Gibbs' call for attention reached him. Turning toward the boss, he quickly offered an answer. "Sorry, Boss. I was just thinking."
"Yeah, I figured that out when you didn't answer me the first time, McGee. C'mon, let's get back inside. It's freezing out here."
Now that Tim was no longer lost in thought, the cold quickly permeated through his clothes and made him shiver. He wasted no time in following the boss back into the house where it was warm. Once inside, Gibbs was quick to turn off the oven and then hand him a piping mug of hot coffee as they took seats in the living room.
"What's on your mind?" Gibbs asked.
"My mom." Tim admitted in the same tone he'd used when they'd had this conversation yesterday morning.
"You ready to talk about it?"
Tim nodded silently as he tried to swallow around the lump in his throat. "I was so hateful to her, Boss. Even Sarah screamed at me for the way I talked to my mom that night. I've never treated her like that before in my life."
"Why don't you talk me through what happened, Tim. Maybe we can figure out what to do to help you fix things with your family." Gibbs encouraged calmly.
"Boss, I don't know what to say. This is just so…"
"Not like me, yeah, so I've been told. You up for it?" the boss kept going with the conversation, unwilling to let it get bogged down already.
"Yeah. It started right after I read Dad's letter…."
**Flashback**
He steadfastly created a file with every source he found on the information he'd requested, copied it to a flash drive, of which his father always kept a supply of handy; erased his search, closed down the computer, and headed toward the door, wanting to leave without another word to his mother. His pain, sense of betrayal and grief too raw.
His mother met him at the door, physically blocking his path, desperate for the chance to find out what those papers were. Her husband had never told her he would be leaving Tim any papers. She was clueless.
"Tim. Honey. What is it? What were the papers about?"
Tim stopped in his steps and glared at his mother, his manners temporarily thrown by the wayside as his anger took over.
"Honey, what is it?"
"Were you ever gonna tell me?" he asked her in a clipped angry tone that she had never heard from him before.
"Tell you?"
"LUCAS MARTIN!"
The color drained from his mother's face and only Sarah rushing up to offer physical support to her, kept her from falling into the floor in a heap.
"Timothy McGee! What the hell is wrong with you?" Sarah bellowed
"Ask Mom!" Tim raged as he stormed out and jumped in his car. Peeling out of the driveway, he allowed himself to drive only so far as to be out of sight of the house before he pulled over and forcefully calmed himself down.
It was a wonder he made it home safely that morning. It was after 1 am when he got in and sleep was a distant idea that hadn't even come close to his door that night. He spent the night going over the information he found and digging up more. Each shred of information he found only served to dig the hole deeper that had opened up underneath him on this trip home. Suddenly, he found himself standing on the edge of an abyss.
**End Flashback**
Silence filled the air in the living room as Tim came to the end of his admission of what had happened that dreadful night. Gibbs was both shocked and upset for his agent and even for the young man's mother and sister. This was pretty hurtful stuff to have to go through and so soon after the man at the head of the family had died, too.
Tim hated it when Gibbs went silent like this; it was never a good sign. With a sigh of frustration and confusion, he launched himself off the couch and over to the French doors where he could see out into the now moonlight bathed backyard.
"Tim. What is it that you need help with the most about this?" Gibbs' sympathetic voice reached him,
Hearing no censure or anger or judgment in the question, Tim turned and faced the older man. "We could be here a while if you want me to answer that completely" he warned seriously.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here to listen and help." Gibbs reminded him.
"As am I." Ducky's voice reached them from the doorway. "Timothy, I arrived in time to hear your explanation of what happened on that evening. I did not want to interrupt you, dear boy. I do hope you'll forgive me."
"No problem, Ducky." Tim answered quickly with a smile for the older man he consider to be his uncle.
"Thank you. Now, I'm afraid I interrupted your conversation. Where were you?" Ducky attempted to lead the conversation back where it had been going.
"McGee was about to explain what he needs our help with in all of this." Gibbs explained evenly while internally send up a silent prayer of thanks that the better capable of the two of them had arrived in time to rescue the situation before it could take a miss-step.
"Ducky. Have you seen the video?" Tim asked nervously.
"Yes, dear boy. I have. I must say, I am still a little angry that you disregarded your safety in that matter."
"I told you, I couldn't risk anyone else." Tim explained yet again, but with infinite patience.
"Yes, well. I gather that the dreadful meeting caught on that tape is the driving force behind your need for help with this?" Ducky asked in hopes of making clarification simpler for Tim.
"Indirectly. Let's face it. I've gone from being the only son of two parents who loved me and supported me my whole life; to a being the end results of a rape at the hands of a serial killer. I can't even keep up with all the questions that have popped into my head about this." Tim admitted ruefully.
"And doubts?" Gibbs asked gently,
"Yeah, those too."
"About yourself or about your mother?" Gibbs pushed Tim to specify what he meant for the young man's own good.
"Both."
"Timothy, while I understand the anger in which you reacted to your mother that night; surely, you must know she probably forgave you before you had even gotten yourself back here that night." Ducky tried to reason out.
"How can I be sure?" Tim asked painfully. "How do I know she'll even talk to me? How do I know she ever really wanted me to begin with and didn't just feel forced to have me because she didn't believe in the alternative? What if every time she looks at me, she sees…?" Tim took himself back to the place where he could lose himself to the view of the backyard.
"You're forgetting she called me because she was worried sick about you. She even asked if you'd gotten hurt or killed on the job; thought maybe that's why you hadn't called her." Gibbs told him. "That was not the concern of a woman who regrets her choice, McGee."
"Boss, you didn't tell me she asked you all that!" Tim turned around and looked at his boss.
"Nope. You had more than enough on your plate. No reason for me to add that to it."
Tim blew out a breath of frustration.
"Timothy, is there more to this that you haven't told us?" Ducky asked as something told him there was more to the story.
"Only that I'm all alone out here now. Both Mom and Sarah have moved out to California. But, I already told you that, Ducky." Tim admitted with something akin to loneliness in his voice.
"All the more reason for you to let your teammates help you through this, you really should have let them know when your father passed, dear boy, You should have allowed them to be there for you."
Tim closed his eyes and nodded his head just enough that Gibbs caught it. "Can you tell me why you didn't, Tim?"
"Guess, I didn't know if I could handle things being different with you guys. It would have been temporary and when different went back to being normal, it would have been too hard to adjust on top of everything else, Boss." Tim rationalized in his quiet tone.
Gibbs felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He understood what Tim meant, though and couldn't really fault him for his decision. But, he also knew that in making that decision, his youngest agent had put himself through the toughest, most painful eight weeks of his life, nearly drowning in all of ir alone unnecessarily.
"McGee, you should have told Ducky or I. We could have helped you. We would have respected your need to keep the team out of your grief. Trying to get through it alone had to have made things a lot tougher on you than you needed it to be trying to get through alone." The boss gently admonished his agent.
"I know, Boss. And you're right. I do regret not letting you two in. It's been really, really hard." Tim said as a couple of tears slid down his face.
"Timothy. Would you like us to contact your mother while we're here and on this subject? Would that help you, if we did the talking for you until you're comfortable picking up the conversation with her?"
"I don't know if I can." Tim admitted.
"What's the problem, Tim?"
"What if she wants to talk about what happened when she … when I…?"
"You're not ready to talk about that, we get that. No one's gonna force you to, McGee."
"What if I do? Like I said, I have so many questions."
"McGee. No one can answer those questions for you except your mother. But, if you're not ready to ask them or hear the answers, then don't' worry about it. Stop being so hard on yourself." Gibbs gently directed him.
"Is it normal, to have all these questions, I mean?" Tim asked as he looked at Ducky.
"Yes, Timothy, it is quite normal. You have nothing to fear on that subject. I might also add, that how you came to be on this earth does nothing to change who you have become, dear boy. You must hold onto that."
Tim's doubt filled his eyes.
"McGee."
"Boss?"
"Who are you?"
"That's kinda what I'm not sure of anymore, Boss."
"McGee?"
"Boss?"
"See that mirror over there?"
"The one on the wall, sure, I see it."
"Go stand in front of it."
"Okay," Tim answered as he did as the boss requested and took himself over to the mirror.
"Look in it." Gibbs instructed from his seat as Ducky moved to stand beside Tim, deliberately keeping out of sight of the mirror.
"Okay."
"Duck?" Gibbs handed the conversation over to the one of them with the professional training more than useful in times such as these.
"Timothy, tell us who you see looking back at you in that mirror." Ducky quietly requested as he picked up the conversational ball with ease and caution.
"I see me." Tim said with confusion.
"Who are you?" Ducky kept pushing.
"I dunno what…"
"Timothy. What makes you who you are? The circumstances of your birth or what you have done with your life and what you've made of your life with what you've had to work with?"
"Okay. I get it." Tim admitted with a small smile.
"Do you? Are you sure, McGee?" Gibbs chimed in as he came to stand beside Ducky.
"Yeah, Boss. I do, really."
"Good."
"Timothy, if you understand our point, pray, tell me what else is bothering you about this?" Ducky pushed even further.
"I guess, I just need some questions answered, like the ones I already told you about. I just need to hear it from her."
"Whatever other questions you have, are seriously troubling you, dear boy. Why don't you let us hear them so that we can possibly help you think through them before they continue to eat at you while they remain unanswered?"
"Guess, it couldn't hurt. But, I already told you the big one. I just really need to know if she really wanted me." Tim answered quietly. "I mean what rape victim wants the child that comes from that?"
Silence reigned in the air between them for a moment as the obvious pain behind the repeated question and the rationale behind it was realized by the older two. Finally, after a moment, the silence was broken by a quietly asked question from Gibbs. "That something you ready to hear the answer to when you talk to her now?"
"I'm not sure. I think I'd rather know now than keep wondering, Boss."
"Okay. Well, it's your decision. You ready for us to call her?"
"Yeah."
The Team Leader led the way back to the furniture and they all took their seats back as Gibbs pulled out his cell phone, scrolled through for the number Tim's mother had called him from the other day, hit call and the speaker button and set it where he and Ducky could talk into it. On the 3rd ring, the call was answered.
"Hello?"