Somebody
By. Misery's-Toll
Chapter Sixteen: Fester
I try to take a step but I cannot feel my feet
and with your weight you suffocate
I cannot help but breathe you in
and with your size I'm paralyzed
I find myself--find myself falling
- "Falling" by Michelle Featherstone
Another month passes.
Sakura is happy. For the first time in a long time, it seems. It isn't a pure happiness; it has dark corners, where depression and pent-up aggravation is being pushed aside, along with the memories of her mother, her brief encounters with her father, her fallen sister's cries that echo through the house when the lights are out and her father is too dead-drunk to comprehend a thing. But there is light. A strong light that keeps her warm enough to feel.
She spends most days with Sasuke. Some days she goes to his little cookie-cutter house, sitting maybe a little too close to him, watching television they don't care for or maybe they reach around each other, planting things in Sasuke's revitalized garden (who would have thought the Uchiha had a green thumb?), occasionally brushing each other's arm or leg with their own.
Hinata is euphoric. Inconceivably happy. It's amazing. To not exist and then suddenly become somebody's everything. She is the shy, fidgety Hinata that never mattered to anyone while he is Naruto, the class clown somehow always surrounded by friends. And he cares.
But at the same time, there is still fear. Dreams and memories still remain. And long after Naruto and she have parted ways and she is stuck alone in that dark dark apartment all alone with nothing but a jar of sand visible by moonlight to keep her company, she can do nothing but curl up as small as she can and just wait to disappear.
She sees less of Sakura now that the pink-haired girl has been tangled up in a web of longing, Hinata trapped in her own as well. Gaara has stopped coming to school as often, and when he does come, the circles beneath his eyes are dark and deep and she wants her circle of almost-fixed friends back.
Ino is scared. Terrified, broken, mangled, torn-up, dead dead dead. She's heading into her second trimester, and she knows that soon she's going to to have a little (baby) bump, an unfamiliar mound where her perfect flat stomach should be.
The days when (had she been more responsible, had he not left her) she would have gone to school and been that perfect stick-thin, blonde-haired, beautiful little thing and done her homework and gotten A's on tests and made somebody (mommy, mommy, will you love me now?) proud, she instead skips, doing whatever she wants (really doesn't want at all). She stands in front of the mirror of her bathroom, lifting her shirt to right beneath her swelling bosom, and stares at that pale still-smooth skin of her belly, as if demanding that thing to just come out.
"Come out," she says, "I dare you. Grow, and come out. Right now. Just get the hell out of me."
She thinks that maybe, had this been Shikamaru's baby, she could have loved it. But as some illegitimate child with no father, as a product of her -she winces- whoring around, she can't love it, she refuses to love it.
She had wanted an abortion. She went to the clinic and was half-way filling out the forms. And then, just for a moment, she remembered that doll-faced little girl in a pretty little dress (never never it, it wasn't her) that just wanted to be loved, and then she couldn't do it anymore.
Maybe Ino can't love her baby. But she can have the child and give it away to someone who would. Because this little mistake deserves to be loved by somebody.
"I'm leaving," Sasuke says during English one morning. Instead of grey, slick stones, his eyes have a hot, burning burgundy undertone to them. And that's all Sakura can think of for the next several seconds before she finally comprehends. She feels an immense pain somewhere deep inside her chest. Not her heart, she thinks, but something inside her hurts.
Because heartache would be too cliche.
"What?" her voice comes out shrill and broken. She can't picture it now. Life without Sasuke. This life she's living now is so different from before she moved to this school that she can hardly remember what life was like. She tries to think back but just remembers emptiness.
"Not forever," he amends, "Just for two or three weeks."
The pain inside lessens, but the idea of being away from him for so long makes her nervous.
"Why?" she asks, her voice still a little bit too high, and she blushes, "I mean...if my asking doesn't bother you...?"
His eyes lose focus for a minute.
"Some doctors want to see me in another state. It's not anything important; they just need a volunteer for something and I happen to have some specific qualifications, and we could use the money."
Doctors that need boys with wings?
"Oh...when are you leaving?" she asks, rubbing the palms of her too-sweaty free-hand on her jeans. Her cast is hot and uncomfortable and even a little bit itchy and she wonders when she'll finally get it off. The heater in the school is turned up too high for March weather.
"Tomorrow morning," he gives her a one-shouldered shrug and brushes some hair out of his eyes with long fingers and Sakura finds herself wishing he'd do that to her. And maybe leave his hand lingering on her cheek a bit too long. Her bangs are long and always hanging in her eyes, as she hasn't gotten them cut since Sasuke took her what seems an infinite amount of time ago. Though she thinks its probably been less than two months.
He's growing inside you. Taking you over. Soon there will be nothing left of you. But is that such a bad thing?
She can't quite concentrate on what he's saying, and finds herself more paying attention to his body language and actions. How does he stand when he talks to her? What is the tone of his voice?
"Sakura."
"Oh. I'm sorry. What?" she can't help but mentally berate herself for not paying attention to the things that actually matter in conversation, that being the actual conversation.
He'll think you're a fool. You'll chase him away. And then you'll just be you again.
"The bell. You should probably get to Speech," he says, turning around and leaving as Hinata approaches her.
-=Hinata=-
To Hinata, Sakura is becoming a little more out of reach every day. Has been since the day she broke down before they went to the drive-in movie. The remainder of the evening had been uncomfortable, regardless of the attempts both girls had made at lifting the atmosphere. Kurenai's perceptive comments and the dramatic film had left Hinata and Sakura both incapable of forgetting what had happened, ending the night quickly as both girls went to sleep as soon as they got back to the house.
The only person she thinks Sakura has been incapable of letting go of is Sasuke, though she's unsure why. The attachment between the two seems to be more than just a girl having a crush on a guy and a guy not returning the attention with any sort of hint. It seems to run as deep as each person containing a secret, one the other has sworn to keep until they die. Their relationship feels to Hinata like that between best friends, a father and daughter, and a brother and sister but somehow also like maybe even lovers. But even then, she can see the way Sakura distances herself from him, even in the slightest way. She doesn't walk with him from class to class, no longer holds his gaze when he speaks to her, stops herself mid-sentence to change what she says, making it less of something she would say and more of something she should be expected to say. Its kind of scary, Hinata thinks, what somebody else's words can do to a person.
"Um...so w-what were you and Sasuke discussing?" Hinata can't help but feel awkward, stumbling over intruding words. Sakura's and Sasuke's relationship belongs to them and no one else, and Hinata doubts she could even understand it, but yet she pries anyway, if not just for the sake of seeing whether or not Sakura could trust her with an answer anymore.
"Nothing really. We were just talking."
Ah yes, Hinata thinks, their circle is breaking. Instead of a circle of friendship, intertwined in every way, it's Hinata and Naruto, it's Sakura and Sasuke, and it's Gaara. And as it always has been, it's Hinata and Kiba and Shino who really have nothing if not a curious bond just left over from what must have been another life. But it all feels kind of empty now.
"I'm kind of w-worried about Ga-Gaara," Hinata squeaks, and clenches her hand in a fist and releases it repeatedly, frustrated at herself for not being able to say what she wants to say (Why won't you talk to me? What's going on? We're all worried about you. Gaara --he hasn't been quite right since you started distancing yourself. Please just...just come back to us!).
Sakura's breath catches and she starts to prod at her cast, scratching at the skin right beyond the opening.
"I...class is about to start."
Hinata doesn't see Sakura after Speech, not that she expects to. The girl is off doing other things with people that the girl can't let go of (Sasuke, Sasuke, I know its you, why have you taken my Sakura away?), Hinata supposes. Naruto has tutoring after school and they're going to grab a bite to eat later, so Hinata just hangs out in the courtyard, doodling in her notebook at a picnic table.
After a couple of minutes, she feels that someone is staring at her, and she looks up to see Gaara sitting in front of a tree, head tilted forward, and slightly to the side, his sweat-dampened fire-red bangs sticking to his forehead, one arm angled against a bent knee. The position she often sees the druggies in front of the donut store by Kurenai's house adopting. He's looking at her with unfocused eyes, and she can't help but want to cry.
Hinata drops her notebook and ballpoint pen on the table, ignoring it when it rolls off and lands in the patch of dying grass between two pieces of bismirched concrete beneath her feet. She walks towards him, timidly, unsure of what to do when she hasn't seen him or spoken to him for two weeks. Their previous conversation hadn't been much beside her asking him if he was alright, and him shrugging, staring longingly at Sakura's back, and walking away.
So Hinata tries to think of what Sakura would do, and remembers the girl at the beginning, before anyone meant anything, just sitting with Hinata under a tree in rain-soaked grass, somehow both enjoying the company of a similiar stranger.
"Um...may I sit with you?" Hinata asks, trying her best not to let her voice waver. She knows her posture is nothing if not guarded, but she tries her best to be someone that Gaara can appreciate the company of, even if she isn't the spirited-away Sakura.
He gives her a half-nod after a few moments of bleary observation, and the small girl drops down beside him, pulling her knees to her chest.
"I miss her too, you know?" Hinata says, wringing her hands, "We can't give up though."
Hinata notices that there is a bruise over Gaara's forehead, where the hair is plastered, covering it up, and notices another on his collar bone, and thinks there are probably more under those too-heavy clothes he's wearing that cover his arms and legs. That feeling of wanting to cry doesn't go away, but she continues on, "I still keep that jar of...of sand. It's on my desk...I can see it in --in the moonlight. When I'm sleeping. And...when I'm looking at it...I'm thinking of you."
Gaara's head tilts slightly towards her, and his lips part, but not much more but a shallow breath comes out.
"What is...what is Sakura to you?" Hinata winces, not liking how invasive the question is, but feeling the need to pursue the answer.
"Is just like...my...mother..." Gaara breathes out, "So...pretty..."
-=Sakura=-
After school I
walk to Sasuke's house.
I wish I could just
leave him alone like I do
everyone else
but
it hurts
leaving them behind
and I need at least
one person
to hold on to
at least until
Ino comes back to me.
She's no good for you, and you know it. Yet you continue to go the extra mile for someone undeserving.
After tonight,
I tell myself,
after tonight I will leave Sasuke alone
as
he did to me
those few months ago.
"If you love someone, you have to let them go, and they will come back to you." Lies. Hold on. And don't ever let go.
But tonight I need to
let myself feel
just for a little while
because after this it's
going to hurt
and its going to hurt a lot.
Stop it! Stop doing this to yourself!
I step to his door and
ring the bell
hoping that it will be Sasuke who
answers and not
Itachi
and it seems that
today is my last
lucky day.
Sasuke opens the door in
a pair of cargo pants and
a green T-shirt, shrugging
on a jacket.
AngelAngelAngelAngel"
Oh, Sakura,
I was wondering if we'd
see each other again before I
left."
Angel!Angel!Angel!Angel!
I smile at him,
what I hope is a
comforting smile to both him and myself and
oh god oh god oh god
I just don't know if I can
do this.
I don't know if I can
let him go
after tonight.
Don't Go.
"It's nothing important,"
I say, biting my lip,
"I just wanted to
wish you a safe trip."
A soft smile tugs at the corners of his lips and he brushes
my hair away from my face just as I had
wanted this morning and
I want nothing more than to
feel his angel's wings and tell him
to take me with him
wherever he's going but
instead I just
smile.
"Well,
good night."
His hand leaves my face.
"Good night, Sakura."
Please Come Back.
-=Hinata=-
"Gaara, w-would you like to come to my house?"
She's to wait for Naruto, get a burger or something with him, but somehow this seems more important. She wants to make people feel better, wants to make medicines, cure people. Gaara first.
He stares at her curiously beneath matted, untrimmed hair nearly the color of wine before nodding twice and dropping his head to his knee.
"I'm glad."
She sits beside Gaara, her face tilted towards the sun, his embedded into his denim-covered leg until Naruto arrives.
"Hey. Finding you guys was hard. Are you --hey, what's up with Gaara?" He scratches the back of his neck and squints, as though the action will give him some sort of insight to the situation at hand.
"Um...I'm...I'm sorry Naruto, but I n-need to take care of Gaara. C-can we do this, um, another t-time?" She curses her inability to speak articulately in her mind and wrings her hands in apprehension.
"Uh, yeah, sure. Mind if I tag along, though? Kinda gets boring hanging around my place alone in the evenings."
Hinata smiles.
Hot fudge. Vanilla icecream. Cherries --fresh, not the candied ones (because fresh were cheaper, because the soupy red sauce the maraschinos came in made her think of blood, because Kurenai loves fresh fruit). Rainbow sprinkles.
"This is so wussy," Naruto says, digging his spoon into the melting brown-white swirl of dessert, scooping a large amount into his mouth, "Sundaes are for girls."
Hinata blushes and steals a glance at Gaara, who doesn't seem to have the same objections, but eats his icecream at a much slower pace. It's a sort of juxtaposition, seeing a guy so dirty, so dark in aura and disposition, eating an icecream sundae deluged in chocolate syrup. It makes her smile.
"Naruto," Hinata scolds, and licks melted cream off of her spoon.
She thinks that she might go broke if she doesn't slow down on her spending. But she finds it difficult to stop once she's started. The money gives her things to bring her friends closer together. Even if Sakura isn't here. She glances at Gaara once again, wonders if he's thinking about their pink-haired friend right now.
"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" Kurenai's laughing voice trails in from the doorway, "A couple of no-good hooligans making a mess of my kitchen."
"S-Sorry. I'll clean it up. I promise," Hinata says, her cheeks burning as she jumps from her seat at the table to get a wrag to clean up the spilt chocolate, scattered sprinkles.
"Haha, don't worry about that right now. Mind if I join you? I've got a good hour before I have to be at the Bigger Burger."
"Come on, sit!" Naruto motions to an empty chair.
Kurenai only eats the cherries, twisting off their stems before popping them in her mouth. She spits the pits into a tissue everytime someone's not looking. Hinata wonders how she does it.
Everyone is finished eventually and Kurenai goes off to work, and then the time for fun is over. Naruto cleans up while Hinata uses a damp paper-towel to clean up some of Gaara's cuts. He sits still, sits silently, just watching Hinata's ministrations with slightly more-focused eyes.
"This won't help anything," he eventually murmurs, "There will be more. And when there are, you'll see that this is useless."
She tries not to pay attention to his words, though she processes the fact that he can speak more easily now.
"Gaara, w-what...what happened?" she asks, her voice quiet. Naruto is in the kitchen, they are in the bathroom, him sitting on the counter while she treats him. She doesn't know whether or not Gaara wants Naruto to hear them speaking, so she keeps her volume down.
"It's nothing."
"Did you...did you fight back?" she asks, pushing his hair out of his face to better view the bruise on his forehead. The skin isn't split, so she leaves it alone.
"No."
She steps back and looks at him, his shirt sleeves rolled to his elbows, his sweatshirt draped over the top of the door. She wonders whether or not he would protest if she requested to wash it.
"Why?" she whispers, looking straight in his eyes, though her face heats up fast and something in her mind tells her to look away, but she doesn't.
"For once...it didn't seem to be the right thing to do. Like maybe...its what separates me from him. He can hit me if it makes him feel better, and I'll take it. For now. But I won't raise a fist against him. I'll find another way."
She gives a small smile.
"D-Don't hesitate to find me if you need help. Okay? Naruto and I are --are here for you." And Sakura. Or is she?
"Yes. Yeah."
-=Ino=-
"Very Cherry. 32 oz. As usual," Ino sets the cup on the counter and forks over the cash.
"Anything else?" Sai asks, his never wavering smile continuing. It doesn't unnerve her, though she thinks it probably should. She finds comfort in his presence.
"Nope. Now give me my change."
He does.
"Have a nice day," he says.
"Hey. Sit with me at lunch tomorrow. I promise I'll show up this time."
She leaves the gas-station and throws the still-full slushie in the trash.
End of Part II
A/N: This story is moving a little bit more slowly than I intended. This chapter wasn't originally going to have anything to do with Gaara until I realized I missed him and decided to bring him back. So some of the things I told a few of you would be in this chapter aren't actually in it...oops.
I've been getting a few complaints over the lack of Sasu/Saku fluff, and all I have to say about that is that I work at my own pace. In my story 'A Blurred Silence' the romance (as well as the entire story) was very rushed, and I didn't like the outcome when I reread it all. I'm trying to correct that in this story And while I'm sure that some of you prefer to keep your fluff gauge completely full, I think the finished product will probably be worth it.
By the way, I have the next two chapters already written, so they should be up faster.
And give a big thanks to Ira Feye for beta-ing!
Reviews much appreciated!
-MT