Lois.

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Listen to me, I'm getting' morbid. Sorry about that, young fella. Let's talk about somethin' better. Let's talk about Lois.

She was the one who started it. They named a column after it in this very paper – continues to this day, and I'm flattered by that. I gotta laugh every single time I open the paper and see that headline: 'Mondays With Morrie'.

Funny thing is, it started because Lois hated Mondays. Hated them as much as that ginger cat what used to be in the comics… what was his name? Garfunkel? No, he was the singer… Anyway, somethin' like that. She hated Mondays somethin' fierce – which was surprisin' in someone as dedicated as she was.

She'd come in on a Monday with a bagel for me – and a coffee after her cousin Chloe left – and we'd spend a good hour just yakkin' about whatever. Not before or since have I met anyone with a mind like Lois. Probably the smartest person I ever known. Her mind could go twenty directions all at once, all of them pointless, until she joined those thoughts with one sentence that would blow your world. That's what made her a great writer. That's what won her seven Pulitzers I think it was at last count… Oh? Eight, you say? Well, they shoulda given her more but I think they wanted to be fair on everyone else.

I loved her stories about growin' up in the army. I think that's why Lois an' me connected. Bein' a veteran, she showed me respect. She understood what it was to fight and bleed for your country – her dad bein' a General – and she'd always tell me how grateful she was for what we did in Europe against the Nazis.

There was this one story she told that summed up Lois Lane like nobody's business. It was her Sweet Sixteen and her daddy couldn't make it. He was off monitorin' manoeuvres in the DMZ between North and South Korea or some such – this was before they became one country, you understand – but it don't matter to a little girl how important her daddy's job is. It just matters that he's not there.

Course, Lois wasn't the type to lock herself in her room an' cry about it. No sir! Not Lois Lane! You know what she did, sonny? It sounds outrageous, but if you knew Lois, you'd believe every word of it. She got three MP's drunk. That don't sound like much til you realise it was all part o' her plan. The MP's were friends o' hers – I think all the guys on her daddy's base were Lois' friends – and they were guardin' the Communications bunker. Anyways, under the guise of a birthday celebration, she liquored it up with those MP's and they passed right out, lettin' her have free access. So she uses the radio to call in a 10-73, Base Under Covert Attack.

That little stunt lit a fire under the whole of the United States Military – as you can imagine it would. Her daddy was on the next plane outta Korea, and back home in double-time – just so she could chew him out personally for missin' her birthday!

Yup… she was a character, Lois Lane.

When you really think about it – ain't no one else he coulda fallen for. Not that hard. Not that completely. Not that forever.

She gave him the job application to start workin' here and they were partners right away. Their desks were side by side – I think they're in a museum too – and they broke stories, I tell ya. For years, if somethin' big happened – to do with Superman or not – you could bet your house the byline would say 'Lane and Kent' and sleep sure in the knowledge you'd have a roof over your head tomorrow.

I read this magazine piece once where they said the only reason Lois Lane got as much attention as she does – as head of that reportin' duo – is because of his disguise. That he made Clark Kent weaker, more submissive. Well, that's a load o' ol' bull, I'll tell ya now! I saw her come down like a ton o' bricks on Superman himself in the bullpen one day. I was at my desk, and someone called me askin' me to come break up a ruckus. By the time I got there, he was in the middle o' the room – I guess he'd just flown in through the window – and she was in front of him, finger jabbin' in his face, givin' him the kind o' hell reserved for Dante himself! Seems he went and took a meteor-rock bullet tryin' to save her and Lois was havin' none of it! How dare he get himself hurt? Way she saw it he was way more important than her, and if he put himself in such stupid danger again, she was gonna personally kick his ass!

The look on that man's face – the face every criminal on fifty worlds is scared of – you knew he believed it. She was angry, and he was sorry, and he promised not to do it again.

When's the last time I saw her? Monday, o' course. Yes, she's Senator Lane now, but that don't stop the tradition. Every Monday, sure as sunrise, she's by my side with a coffee and a bagel, ready to shoot the breeze. You wanna know a secret, sonny? God bless my wife, but I think I've always been a little in love with Lois Lane. Superman got lucky on that one. You betcha…

Speakin' o' the Man o' Steel himself…

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