Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, we would all be in serious trouble.

Warnings: This fic has bad language. Virgin ears be warned!

Chapter 3: Just Come Out of the Closet

"Okay!" Asuma clapped his hands together and forced a cheery grin. "How about we all introduce ourselves to one another since we're going to be spending so much time together."

The three children stared at him. They had gone to his classroom and were now seated lazily at a group of four desks that had been pulled into a square. Chouji was munching contentedly on a bag of chips, Shikamaru was blinking sleepily, obviously fighting the urge to lay his head down and obviously stoned, and Ino just looked bored and maybe a little pissy at having to be there.

"Uh, sensei, we don't need to introduce ourselves to each other," Shika drawled, glancing at the other two who both nodded their agreement.

Asuma raised a brow. "You guys already know each other? Well?"

"Since we were, like, born," Ino confirmed. "Our dads are friends, so we used to be."

"Oh." Asuma rubbed his beard. "I wasn't aware of that." Though he was sure Shizune had been. There was no way that was a coincidence. "Well, then, how about you introduce yourselves to me a little. Since I don't really know you." He glanced at Shika. "And I don't know you at all."

Shikamaru yawned, but then sat up a little straighter, fixing his bloodshot brown eyes on the teacher. "Shikamaru Nara." Yaaaawn. "Brown hair, brown eyes, birthday's September 22nd, fifteen years old. I want to grow up to have an average life, with an average job, and an average-looking wife, two kids, a girl and then a boy, retire when I'm sixty, and watch the clouds all day. I'm a pretty easy-going guy, and I hate it when things get troublesome."

Asuma blinked. Well that answer from a teenage boy was... unexpected.

"God, Shika, you're so boring," Ino groused, frowning prettily at him. "Couldn't you do something just a little bit more exciting than getting high and watching clouds all day?"

The boy smirked at her. "I watch TV sometimes, too."

"And play video games," Chouji added helpfully in between bites.

"I'll kick your ass at any 64 game."

Blue eyes rolled. "You wish."

Asuma found himself smiling as the kids bantered back and forth playfully. They really did seem to know each other well and just plain feel comfortable around each other. "So you guys... used to be friends?"

"Yeah," Ino said, turning her attention back to the older man, eyes narrowed. "What about it?"

She reminded Asuma of a cat when it hissed, fur sticking up. "Nothing. I was just wondering why you aren't friends anymore?"

Shikamaru laughed, looking at him like he was crazy. "You kidding? Ino's way too popular for us lowly nerds. Right, Chouji?"

Chouji said nothing, but the topic seemed to put him on edge.

Ino refused to rise to the bait. "Well sorry we grew apart. I can't believe you two still hang out together."

"Of course we do. If I didn't have Chouji around, what else would I do when I get the munchies?" The lazy boy pointedly reached over and took a chip from the larger boy's bag.

"You know I'm always here for you, man," Chouji said with grave seriousness, offering his friend more of his snack.

Ino snorted at the display and Asuma found himself wanting to do the same. This would certainly be interesting.

Dattebayo!

Fifteen minutes had passed and the four teens still found themselves sitting in the main office, waiting for their assigned teacher to show up. Or at least three of them were sitting. One was pacing.

"Jesus, Naruto, could you just hold still?" Sakura finally snapped, fighting the urge to strangle the hyper blond.

"But he's so late," Naruto whined, practically bouncing on the spot. "I can't just sit and stare at a wall like you, I gotta do something, dattebayo."

"Then do something less annoying!"

"Hn."

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, you agree?"

"Who the hell asked you, teme?"

"Fuck off, dobe."

"Naruto! Don't yell at Sasuke-kun!"

"But, Sakura-chaaaan..."

"Excuse me."

All three teens immediately shut their mouths and turned to their previously silent compatriot. The pale boy smiled in a scary, fake way and asked politely, "Do you know who the teacher is that we're waiting on?"

Blue, green, and black eyes met.

"Well, he's really late."

"And they definitely said it was a 'he'."

"Hn."

The three looked back at Sai and said in unison, "Hatake."

"Did I just hear my name?"

Their gaze turned to the door where a familiar, masked man stood, looking at the teenagers innocently.

"You're late!" Naruto and Sakura cried together, while Sasuke glared silently from his seat.

"Ah yes, about that. You see a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way around."

Naruto blinked slowly. "Really?"

For that, Sakura promptly hit him over the head. "No not really, you moron! Are you retarded?"

"Hn. Dobe."

Kakashi sighed. He was already starting to regret ever agreeing to do this.

Dattebayo!

Kurenai had mentally named her group Team Stealth. There was a reason for this, of course. In fact, just glancing at the kids and the reason was rather obvious. Kiba was sporting a baggy hoodie, complete with hood pulled up over his messy, brown hair. Hinata had on an actual coat, again baggy, but she at least kept the hood down. And Shino... well, the boy looked like he had at least six layers of clothing on. There was definitely a sweatshirt of some sort with a high collar, covering half of his face, followed by a baggy coat over top of that with the hood pulled up. And then the whole outfit was completed with a pair of dark sunglasses that she had been told he never took off. Which made her wonder if he had a medical excuse of some sort, considering it was against school dresscode. All in all, though, the boy showed about an inch and a half of skin. It was a bit odd.

"Okay, so do you guys know each other?"

Kiba pulled his eyes away from the posters he had been carefully studying along the Spanish room walls. Like he didn't see them every day. "Sorta. We're in the same grade, went to middle school together..." He shrugged.

"W-we went to elementary school t-together, too, Kiba-kun," Hinata whispered shyly.

Kiba blinked. "Naw, Shino didn't go to elementary school with us."

"Yes, he did."

Shino said nothing during this.

Kurenai cleared her throat, already feeling a bit awkward. "All right, well anyway, how about we tell everyone a little about ourselves. For instance, I'm Kurenai Yuuhi. I'm twenty-seven years old, originally from Chicago, and moved here right after I graduated college. I teach Spanish, as you can see, and have never taught anywhere but this school. I enjoy gardening, reading, and I'm a sucker for crappy soap operas, particularly Days of Our Lives. I hope to get married sometime in the near future and have a couple kids of my own. I also hope we can make the best out of the time we're going to be spending together."

She smiled, and all three of the kids felt themselves relax from her calm, motherly nature. "Kiba, how about you?"

Kiba scratched at one of the red triangles he painted on his face daily and shrugged again. "Sure. I'm Kiba Inuzuka, I'm fourteen, and I, uh, lived here my whole life. Um, I guess I like a lotta usual guy stuff, watching football, playing video games, stuff like that. I really like animals, especially dogs..." He trailed off and shrugged once more.

Kurenai smiled encouragingly. "And what are your plans for the future? At least right now, of course, I know you're only a freshman."

Kiba stared for a moment. "Well, my family owns this dog shelter slash kennel slash vet slash trainer thing. So I always planned on just working there."

Kurenai nodded slowly. "And is that because your family owns it or because it's really what you want to do?"

Kiba found himself genuinely startled by that. No one had ever asked him that kind of question before. "Uh, no, no, that's really what I wanna do. I've always wanted to work with dogs."

Another nod, this one seemingly approving. "Good. Hinata, how about you, sweetie?"

The timid girl looked up, pressing her fingers together in an age-old nervous habit. "Ano... m-my name's Hinata Hyuuga. I'm fourteen, always lived here. I enjoy cooking, reading, and t-tutoring my little sister. The future..." She trailed off uncertainly here, face turning a bit red, head lowering so her bangs covered her eyes. "I haven't really thought much about my future."

Kurenai observed the girl closely, not liking all the hidden implications that last statement could possibly have. "Okay, thanks, Hinata." She smiled sweetly in the direction of the last teen who had yet to say one single word. "Shino, your turn."

There was a blatant, hesitant pause, and Kurenai was worried that maybe the boy had some kind of speech impediment. But when he did finally talk it was in a clear, deep baritone without the slightest hint of trepidation.

"My name is Shino Aburame. I moved here when I was three... and attended elementary school with both Hinata and Kiba."

Kiba winced a bit.

"I'm fourteen. I have several hobbies, but I mostly enjoy reading and studying. I want to be an entomologist in the future."

Kiba immediately perked up and asked curiously, "What's an entymologist?"

"Entomologist," Kurenai corrected patiently.

"I-it's a person who studies insects, Kiba-kun," Hinata quietly informed him.

"Oh yeah? Bugs?" He gave Shino a wolfish smile. "Cool."

Shino said nothing, and Kurenai vaguely wondered how on earth she was ever going to get him to talk about anything truly personal. It seemed hard enough to get him to talk at all.

Dattebayo!

"All right, my youthful students! Today is the day we embark on a grand adventure of discovery and learning! The waters may be treacherous, but together we shall persevere to reach the distant shore!"

Tenten looked like she was about to be physically ill and gripped the table in front of her with white-knuckled hands, Gaara's left eye had already begun to twitch violently, and while Neji may look calm on the outside, inside he was figuring out the different ways he could kill himself using only items found throughout the room. In contrast to them, Lee was looking on with raptured awe. This in turn, increased the other threes' symptoms.

How can he even stand to listen to that freak? Neji sneered in his mind, pale eyes fixed on the slightly taller boy. The angry, little redhead he could deal with. Tenten, he didn't really know her, heard she was some kind of raging, feminist lesbian, but whatever, she was tolerable. But Lee? With Maito-sensei? Seriously? He hated his uncle all the more for making him come to this stupid thing.

"Are you all acquainted with one another?" Gai asked the group of children, to which Tenten answered, "Not... really..." and Lee shook his head.

"Hey," Gaara growled, teal eyes narrowed at the bushy-browed face. "Didn't I beat you up once?"

Both Neji and Tenten rose an eyebrow and looked from Gaara to Lee. Lee who enthusiastically nodded and said, "Yes, several years ago at the park! You broke my left arm and leg!"

Tenten looked a bit more alarmed at that and inched away from the freshman she happened to be sitting next to. Neji was torn between being amused and... no, forget it, he was just plain amused.

Gai frowned upon hearing this. "Will there be a problem if you stay in this group, Gaara-kun?"

Gaara slowly dragged his eyes over to the gym teacher, face blank. "Why?"

Gai seemed a little taken aback. "Because you and Lee have a history of fighting."

Gaara just stared. "I used to fight a lot."

"Shocking," Neji mumbled, wishing he was at home and not in a fucked up therapy session with overzealous teachers and psychotic freshman. At least Gai had brought them to one of the empty science classrooms rather than the gym so he could stare at the posters and other shit on the walls. Mitarashi-sensei really had a thing for snakes...

"As long as there is no ill will between you two," Gai said almost reluctantly. Maybe having Gaara in his group wasn't the best idea after all, but he hadn't known about any bad history with Lee. Had Shizune?

"I do not hold Gaara accountable for his past actions. What's done is done. So long as he does not try to repeat it, I am fine with his presence."

Tenten looked surprised by his answer, and Neji wanted to scoff. Moron. It was just like Lee to say something like that. The crazy, little fucker had broken his bones for Christ's sake, what mildly intelligent person just ignored that?

"That is very mature of you, Lee! I am pleased to hear you have such a compassionate, forgiving outlook!"

Gaara seemed just as surprised as everyone else. He scrutinized the boy with the bowl-cut carefully, trying to detect a trick in his words and finding none. Was he really just that nice? Leaning back in his chair, Gaara crossed his arms over his chest. Maybe he would have to pay a bit more attention to the anomaly that was Lee.

Dattebayo!

Kakashi supposed he could have gotten a worse group. After all, these were all decent kids, right?

Never mind the fact that everything in Naruto's life seemed to revolve around instant ramen.

Or that Sakura was no more than the equivalent of a squealing fangirl.

Or that Sasuke was a raging ball of angst who hated his brother.

Or that Sai's smile was just plain fucking creepy.

Because really, there were worse things, right?

"What the hell did you just call me, Sai-bastard?"

"I said dickless would be an appropriate nickname for you, Dickless."

"Fuck you, you pale freak!"

"Hn."

"The fuck are you laughing at, Sasuke-teme?"

"Don't yell at Sasuke-kun!"

"That's right, Dickless, listen to Ugly."

"I-- hey! Who the hell said you could call me that?"

"Stupid prick, don't call Sakura-chan ugly!"

"Hn."

… Maybe he could get Tenzou to take over permanently.

Dattebayo!

Asuma's fingers twitched desperately to hold a cigarette. Christ, this was torture. "Okay, since we've got no real activity planned for today and it was just meant to get to know each other, let's try a question and answer type of thing. Meaning I'll ask you all a question and you answer. That way I'll get to know you better and you can see just how well you really know each other."

Yaaawn. "Sounds fine."

"Great, we'll start off simple. Favorite type of music."

"Hip-hop and R&B," Ino supplied instantly.

Shikamaru scratched the back of his head. "Rock, mostly alternative."

Chouji stopped chewing momentarily. "Indie."

Asuma nodded filing their answers away. "Okay, favorite movie."

Shikamaru sniffed a bit. "Dunno. Probably Lord of the Rings."

"Same."

Asuma focused his gaze on Ino, but she was chewing on her full bottom lip apprehensively. What was the problem?

"... The Notebook."

It took all of the bearded man's strength not to roll his eyes, though the answer didn't surprise him. Typical high school girl answer, picking one of the sappiest romance movies ever made. Not even a classic one at that, a modern one.

He was about to ask another question when sniggers from the two boys cut him off. "Hey, guys, nu-uh," he said sternly, very serious. "You are not going to start laughing at each other's answers." And he meant it to. It didn't matter how cliché it all was, it was Ino's personal opinion and she had every right to it. He wasn't going to let the boys act like a couple of jerks.

"Sorry, sensei," Shika said, still chuckling. "But she's lying."

Asuma blinked, totally confused. "What?"

"Her favorite movie is definitely not The Notebook. Not even close."

"Shut up, Shika," the blond girl snapped, looking thoroughly irritated now. "Mind your own damn business."

Asuma felt his brow furrow. So the girl was lying. Why bother?

Shikamaru sensed his confusion and took it upon himself to explain. "Y'see, she doesn't want people knowing that she's actually a closet nerd. Big time. And so saying things like her favorite movie is Star Wars wouldn't fit in with her preppy, cheerleaderesque image. So she decides to make up something that would fit." He turned sleepy brown eyes onto the blond. "The Notebook, though, Ino? Really?"

"Fuck you, Shika, you're high as a fucking kite!"

"At least my favorite movie's not The Notebook."

"All right, that's enough," the teacher stepped in, cutting off the fight before it could get into full swing. Turning back to the girl he fixed her with his best authoritative look. "Ino, what's your favorite movie really?"

The girl set her jaw firmly and looked out the window and over the parking lot for a moment before looking back at him, visibly pissed. "Star Wars, more specifically the first or fourth one depending on how you want to look at it, originally just called Star Wars and more recently called A New Hope."

Asuma tilted his head slowly, seeing the girl in a whole new light. Closet nerd indeed. "And you lied...?"

She snorted and looked away again. "Smartass over there already told you, didn't he?"

"Uh-huh." Asuma sighed and scrubbed a hand over his beard. "Okay, guys, here's the deal. I'm pretty lax with this whole thing, notice how I didn't care when you swore earlier. I know you probably don't wanna be here, and as long as you behave in a half-decent manner, I don't care what you do. But there are a few special rules you have to follow, and they're really important for this whole thing, okay?"

Dattebayo!

"Number one," Kurenai said. "You will always respect each other. I don't expect you to be best friends and always get along. I know you're going to argue, I know you'll disagree on things, that's fine. But if someone shares something, especially something personal, you will be respectful. You will not laugh at them, you will not put them down, you will not make them feel bad about themselves in any way. Are we clear?"

All three kids nodded.

"Good. Number two--"

Dattebayo!

"Anything anyone says here will not be repeated outside of the group. Everything is confidential. We have been given permission by the principal and the schoolboard to expel anyone who breaks this rule. That's right, Sakura, I did say expel. Your parents also agreed to this when they signed the permission forms." One lone grey eye narrowed at them sharply. "You will not repeat what is said here, not to anyone. I don't care how much you dislike the person or how hilarious you think it would be to spread their personal business throughout the school. If it happens, you will be sorry. Think carefully before you do something stupid."

He looked at everyone except the blond. This was one stupid thing he was just sure Naruto would never do.

"The third rule is that you may not lie."

Tenten raised her eyebrows at the green-clad teacher. "Excuse me?"

"Yes, dear Tenten-chan, it is as I said. Lying is not permitted within this group. If there is something you do not wish to discuss, a question you do not wish to answer, simply say so and the matter shall be dropped. You will not be forced to talk about anything you don't want to. But if you do decide to talk, you may not lie. About anything."

"Why?" Gaara demanded, looking more curious than anything.

Gai simply smiled. "It's the rules."

Dattebayo!

Kakashi quickly came to realize exactly what Tenzou and Asuma had meant when they said Sai had no emotions. The boy was literally like a blank slate. He felt nothing. Hell, he had said as much himself. When talking about his likes and dislikes his answer had been, "I neither really like nor dislike anything." And he had been dead serious. It was disturbing.

Of course, not surprisingly, was that along with his lack of emotions came a lack of certain social graces. To put it simply, the boy was a social retard. There were certain times he would do or say something just because he knew that was the appropriate thing to do or say, but it was never genuine. Because he just didn't feel anything. And most of the time he was so blunt he came off as being just plain rude. As was shown with the nicknames he decided to give the rest of the group.

Naruto had been immediately dubbed Dickless, though Kakashi wasn't sure exactly why. He could only figure the pale boy was taking a shot at the blond's masculinity; which really didn't make much sense seeing as how effeminate Sai was himself.

Next had been Sakura, who was deemed now and forever more as Ugly. Something Kakashi didn't even think was true. Sakura wasn't a beauty or anything, but she most certainly wasn't ugly. She had a fresh, clean, girl next door type of look, and really could be considered pretty. Either Sai was just being a jerk or she wasn't his type of girl.

Kakashi had half-heartedly scolded the strange boy for both of these new nicknames, but he was rather blatantly ignored. It became pretty clear the names were there to stay.

What confused Kakashi was why Sasuke had yet to get a special 'term of endearment' from Sai. He thought at first the pale boy couldn't think of anything for the boy who could practically be his long-lost twin brother, but it quickly became rather apparent that Sai just had too many in mind and was having difficulty settling for one. He finally decided on Emo-Duck.

Kakashi wanted to scold him like he had about the others, he really did. But it was just so damn accurate. He couldn't do it.

"Hn. Go fuck yourself," Sasuke muttered in response to his new name. Though a few moments later, they all witnessed him run a hand subconsciously over his duck-ass shaped hair.

Sai smiled.

"So, Sai, since we've got nothing in particular to talk about and about ten more minutes to kill," Kakashi drawled, looking even more bored than usual, "if you could give me a nickname without getting into trouble (which you can't), what would it be?"

Naruto, who had been intently drumming on his desk, immediately stopped and regarded the pale boy curiously, as did Sasuke and Sakura. Well, at least Kakashi had managed to get their full attention with something.

Sai stared at him for a moment, dark eyes running up and down his body once or twice, a somewhat thoughtful expression on his face. Finally, "Pirate. That or Pervert." He paused. "Pervert the Pirate."

Kakashi blinked slowly. The Pirate one he understood, what with his eyepatch and all, but Pervert? "Why Pervert?"

Sai didn't have to answer. Naruto snorted loudly and said, "What, you really don't know? You read porn on your breaks. Everyday!"

Well, now Kakashi felt just plain stupid. He hadn't realized the students had picked up on that. He didn't even keep it in the classroom, it was always in the teacher's lounge. He had no desire to get his ass fired.

"Really, Hatake-sensei, give us a little credit," Sakura added with an eye roll.

"Hn."

Kakashi pushed thoughts of his reading habit from his mind at the sound of his name. "I forgot to tell you: don't call me that here."

Naruto's face scrunched in confusion. "What, Pervert?"

"No, Hatake-sensei. During regular school hours you have to, but here you're not supposed to."

Naruto seemed excited by this. "Can we call you Pervert then?"

Kakashi glared his way. "No. Call me Kakashi-sensei."

All four kids stared blankly.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura finally repeated. "Your first name?"

"Yes." He gave them his typical, upturned eye smile. "We were originally going to just have you call us by our first names, but apparently that was a bit too lax. The board wanted something in between. So we stuck sensei back on the end."

"That's retarded," Sasuke said instantly.

"Yes, it is, but it's the board's decision, not mine."

"No, I mean calling you something different than we usually do. It's retarded." Cold, dark eyes fixed on him sharply, mouth set firmly in a hard frown. "It's stupid to think that just because we call you something more casual here we're gonna suddenly treat you like you're our friend and tell you all our secrets. Not even Naruto's dumb enough to fall for that."

None of the others said anything, but Kakashi could see they all agreed. All of them, even Sai, suddenly looked more guarded, and watched Kakashi like he was the enemy, trying to steal something valuable from them. The fairly relaxed atmosphere had vanished.

"Yes, well, it's still not my decision." Kakashi decided the best thing to do was just keep smiling.

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