*The next day*
Squall: Look, Tidus, I already told you I don't socialize much with girls. I can't give you tips on how to make Yuna happy.
Tidus: I call BS! That Rinoa chick is crazy for you! Hell, you don't even have a body nearly as muscled as mine, yet girls fall for you left and right.
Squall: Body isn't everything, Tidus.
Tidus: Then explain how Dad gets so much action? All he has is a body anyways.
Squall: Not true. He's much sexier than you in more ways than that.
Tidus: Oh yeah? Name one.
Squall: For one, he's not a chicken wuss who goes around trying to act like a damn hero that's on caffeine 24/7.
Tidus: You saying that heroes like me are repulsive?
Squall: No, I'm saying that idiots like you are repulsive.
*Tidus is about to raise his sword at Squall, but then stops*
Tidus: Fine. I'm doing something wrong. Atleast tell me what makes that Rinoa girl lust after you so much.
Squall: GF-Damnit, Tidus! Do you think I know? That b**** is annoying anyways. If I knew why she liked me, I'd stop acting that way. I'd much rather have a woman who doesn't act like a total slut, like your girlfriend Yuna.
Tidus: Yuna? A decent woman? You haven't played FFX-2, have you?
Squall: Admittedly, I have not…
*Meanwhile, Jecht is chatting with Shantotto, Jecht's older and experienced ex-girlfriend.*
Jecht: So, I'm seriously hot for that chick Lightning. Dem legs, they're so delicious, yet destructive.
Shantotto: Ohoho, that woman you desire so much, seems to be quite enjoyable to touch.
Jecht: F*** yeah she was. She was wearing a sweet costume. Black shirt, blue jeans. Women tend to overdress or underdress nowadays, but that costume was just perfect. And when we got to the action, you wouldn't believe what happened.
Shantotto: I am quite curious to your tale, so please tell me before I turn you into a whale.
Jecht: That fabric ****ing tore apart! Can you believe it? Her clothes actually ripped apart! I gave her a punch to the chest, and BAM, her shirt split down the middle. Can you say eye candy? My Sneak Attack on her Rough Divide gave me a wonderful view of her glutes, as well.
Shantotto: That's a lie, I don't take those fibs to heart! No way Light's clothes would fall apart!
Jecht: I'm totally ****ing serious, girl. Even I'm surprised that ERSB allows women to wear clothes like that. They're usually as bad as 4Kids.
*Shantotto shivers in fear*
Shantotto: 4Kids? Not them, no no! They'd even censor a freakin' game show!
Jecht: That's true, they're all just a bunch of stupid little s****s. Their censoring smells worse than Chaos's armpits!
Shantotto: Hey, it is an unwritten rule that only I can rhyme! And BTW smelling Chaos's armpits is a waste of time.
Jecht: Gosh, it was just a figure of speech _ (probably).
*Tidus, disappointed that Squall could not help him become as manly as Jecht, went back to Seventh Heaven to hang out with his old Dissidia buddies*
Bartz: So then the Blitzball idiot comes in, and he goes, "What does Commando even mean?"
Zidawn: Holy crap, that's hilarious. Your imitations of dream boy are perfect.
Tidus: Hey, what's up guys?
Bartz: Oh, Tidus! Didn't see you there _
Zidawn: We were talking about… um… Butz. Yeah, Butz! Soft Butz.
Bartz: Soft Transgender Pirate Butz.
Tidus: Err… that's cool… I guess…
*Tidus looks at Zidawn and Bartz suspiciously, then walks away to a different group.*
Zidawn: Heh, did you see him! Idiot's probably still a virgin.
Bartz: Like you?
Zidawn: Hey, I'll let you known I've slept with a princess once!
Bartz: Maybe, but have you slept with a princess, a transgender pirate, and the granddaughter of Obi-Wan all at the same time?
Zidawn: … Why do you get to have all the Butz, Bartz? None of the women you slept with were in 3D, anyways. Sleeping with a two dimensional woman must feel odd.
Bartz: Au contraire, my little canary, sleeping with a two dimensional woman is quite enjoyable. Much better than sleeping with that fat blue hippo that raised your little princess.
Zidawn: How did you know I…
*Tidus walks towards Cloud, who is hanging out by himself*
Tidus: Hey Cloud, I have a question.
Cloud: Not interested.
Tidus: Tifa said something about you being skilled at faking your gender.
Cloud: !
Tidus: So I was thinking you must have some pretty good experience at acting like a manly man.
Cloud: Shut up. I hate you. Yes, I dressed up like a female once…
Tidus: No, I'm talking about the time you faked being a man.
Cloud: ?
Tidus: Remember, the time you crossdressed to save Tifa?
Cloud: I don't see what crossdressing has to do with me being a manly… Oh.
*Cloud starts casting Knights of the Round on Tidus. Before he can finish, however, a midget girl casts interrupts them*
Shantotto: *reading from a paper* Hello. I, Shantotto, have been instructed to invite all of you to a party at Jecht's place, hosted by Jecht, Lightning, and a surprise guest. You may bring whomever you want, male or female, to the party. Wear something that's easy to take off. The party will be five days from today. Farewell, Dissidians!
*Shantotto casts Teleport and leaves the bar.*
Cloud: Isn't that girl underage? I could have sworn she was drunk as well.
Tidus: I guess it's hard for her to speak without rhyming without a bit of whiskey first.
Cloud: What were we talking about anyways? Do you want an X-potion? It's on the house.
*Cloud is smiling*
./_
Tidus: 0_0 No... I'm, uh, fine.
*Haunted by the image of Cloud's smile, Tidus flees*
Lightning: I'm hosting a party with Jecht tomorrow. I'm… not experienced in these things.
WoL: Don't worry. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. So what kind of party is it?
Lightning: Well, Jecht said it was an orgy…nization.
WoL: You mean an organization? What kind of party is that?
Lightning: I'm not sure I know myself.
WoL: Damn Agito characters. I know it has something to do with that card boy!
Lightning: Um, yeah. Anyways, have you seen Cloud? Tifa's trying to find him so that they can be get ready for the party, but it seems he's goofing off again.
WoL: Probably breeding chocobos. Guy's obsessed with beastality, the only time I see him smile is right after a session in the farm.
Light: Well, I guess everybody has their little fetishes…
WoL: This is more than a fetish. It's an obsession. You wonder why it took so long for Cloud to find the flower girl? He wasn't looking for her, he making love with his yellow birds and "training" them instead.
*Lightning is weirded out by WoL's knowledge of Cloud's private habits. The doorbell rings, and Light goes to open it.*
OK: Hello, miss. Would you like to buy some cookies? They're for my school fundraiser.
Light: Of course! How much do they cost? 20 gil, maybe 30?
OK: 599 US dollars.
WoL: US dollars? What's that?
Light: Erm… could I give you gil instead?
OK: We don't accept gil, 'mam… Everyone in this neighborhood will only pay in gil…
WoL: Gil is the only type of currency around here, boy. If you don't take that, then please leave and stop harassing us.
OK: But… but…
Light: Sorry, but it would be best if you find some place where they accept these… "US dollars" thing.
*Light shuts the door and locks it
Light: Glad that got fixed. I wonder who he was. Do you think the poor child has lost himself in the Rift?
WoL: Wait… I do seem to remember a notice for a kid who wore red armor and had a onion hat. The kid was going around and searching for a sword-wielding, pink-haired woman with a cape, or something. Could it be that…?
*Meanwhile, outside of Light's house*
OK: *speaking into cellphone* Yes, I have found where the woman is living. No, she does not seem to have much backup besides a single male human in blue armor. If she is anywhere as powerful as the rumors say, though, I would not recommend attacking her without great power. But of course, my lady, you can defeat her easily… heheheh…
*OK walks into a portal, transporting him far away*
Nopieghost: And now it's time for… DISSIDIA CRACK PAIRINGS!
*Exdeath and Mateus are shopping at a savepoint in PalomPolum*
Mateus: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Exdeath: HERP DERP!
*Squall passes by*
Squall: What the hell? Is something funny?
Mateus: No, nothing… MWAHAHAHAHA!
Exdeath: HERP DERP!
Squall: Whatever, guys… I'm out of here.
Mateus: Actually, we just got back from SUPPER…
Exdeath: And I must say that the FRUIT was quite delicious!
Mateus: Exdeath's eating habits seem to have… erm… RUN AMOK, however.
Exdeath: We had to JUMP IN THE BOAT later.
Squall: Go talk to a wall.
*Squall leaves*
Mateus: But we weren't joking…
Exdeath: Whatever. Let's go back to shopping for Jecht's party, honeybunch!
Mateus: Indeed we shall, my tree.
*Exdeath and Mateus go back to shopping*
*Terra and Kefka are also out shopping*
Kefka: Ooh! What a delightful outfit! Don't you think it's just ADORABLE?
Terra: Erm… if you say so?
Kefka: Now now, have some enthusiasm, my dear! Papa doesn't like it when you're upset!
Terra: Oh boy, I love this outfit so much! I'll wear it everyday for the rest of my life, anything so that I don't have to wear that Slave Crown again!
Kefka: There, that's better! You have much better tastes than your friend Tifa. I can't stand her plain clothing. It must be so tight on her breasts, and her pants? Who needs those when you can simply go bottomless instead! No, I like your new, puffy sleeves much better. How much is it, you filthy NPC?
NPC: That would be 500 gil.
*Kefka casts Light of Judgement on NPC, turning him into a pile of ash*
Kefka: Ah, thanks for the discount! You're quite kind, my friend! Shall we be off to potion store, Terra? I do love me some megalixer at night.
Terra: *sigh* Why did I choose this guy over Locke? Oh yeah, because of Celes, the stupid b****…
*Zidane is roaming the streets of a random town, looking for hot chicks
Zidane: Dang, who am I gonna take to the party with me? Garnet's way too snotty to go to a orgy…nization with us non-aristocrats.
*A good-looking woman in a purple dress passes by. She has a massive broadsword tucked in her pants*
Zidane: Hmm, I know a guy with a sword like that… Wait, Cloud!
Cloud: !
*The woman flees into an alley, but Zidane chases after her*
Zidane: Cloud, I know that's you.
Cloud: I ain't INTERESTED in an ugly scrub like you!
Zidane: What the heck… No need to get all hostile. What are you doing out here anyways?
Cloud: Tifa wants me to go with her to Jecht's party. Can you believe it? I'm not going to a party with a guy that manly! Everyone already thinks I'm feminine as I am. Compared to him, I may as well have two x-chromosomes.
Zidane: Err… okay. You think your girlfriend won't recognize you in that disguise?
Cloud: Better than nothing. What do you want anyways?
*Zidane sighs*
Zidane: Actually, I wanted to find someone to go to the party with me. It's a little Dissidia reunion, you know? Looks like you're not interested, though…
Cloud: You're right.
Zidane: Well, I guess that's it. I thought since we're both hardcore chocobo riders you would be interested, but…
Cloud: Wait a sec, you ride chocobos too?
Zidane: Yep.
Cloud: You… you know… "ride" them? For pleasure and fun?
Zidane: Yep. I'm half-monkey too. Firing up your beastial urges, am I?
*Cloud attempts to curse, though all that comes out is random symbols*
Cloud: Fine, I'll go with you. But only if I get a piece of your monkey tail after this.
Zidane: I prefer women, but hey. Beggars aren't choosers. *winks at Cloud*
*It is only one day until Jecht's party. Everyone is excited except Gabranth, who kicked a puppy out of hatred. He then arrested himself for breaking the law and gave himself a red card, lowering his stats. Meanwhile, Tidus is on the phone, talking to Yuna*
Tidus: Hey Yuna, you got an invitation to my dad's party tomorrow? I wanted you to come as my assist.
Yuna: Of course! I've been hearing all about the party from the others. It seems they're having quite a time just preparing for it! I do feel bad for poor Terra, though…
Tidus: Oh? Why's that?
Yuna: She's the assist of… the mad clown.
Tidus: That guy? Why would she go down to his level? I'm sure she could find a better man to go with.
Yuna: Yeah, it's a real pity. I'm suspecting blackmail, but there's no evidence to prove it.
Tidus: Too bad. Anyways, could we meet up at Dream's End later today? I have a surprise to show you.
*Tidus hears Yuna giggling over the phone. He smirks.*
Yuna: What's the surprise?
Tidus: It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now, would it? Come down there by 6 o'clock. I'll be waiting, girl…
*Tidus hangs up, an arrogant grin spread across his youthful face*
*Bartz and Kain are hanging out, two single men with plenty of opportunity*
Bartz: Everyone's already have a partner for the party tomorrow... I'm so pissed. Why don't I have a girl yet?
Kain: Your reputation as a pimp has probably spread across the multiverse by now. After Lenna, Faris, and Krile realized you were dating them all at once, your chance of getting with a woman dropped faster than a dragoon finishing their Jump.
Bartz: Hell, even Zidane has a girl! Some hot chick with blonde gravity-defying hair.
Kain: I don't think that's a chick...
Bartz: Huh?
Kain: Anyways, what's the party about?
Bartz: Jecht and Light are having an orgy-nization. You need a partner to go, though...
Kain: Wait, Light? You mean Lightning!
Bartz: Yeah? What about her?
Kain: Hmph... I haven't seen her in a while. Perhaps I should pay her a visit.
Bartz: Who are you going to go to the party with?
*Kain laughs at Bartz*
Kain: You think I need an assist? Then you don't understand the difference between you... and a REAL MAN!
*Kain jumps through the roof and exits*
*Shantotto walks up to Lightning's House and rings the doorbell. WoL opens the door.*
Shantotto: Hello, good lad. Is she here, the beautiful lily pad?
WoL: Beautiful lily pad? You mean Light? No, she's out. If you're a Jenova's Witness, then please leave. We've had three of those come by this month.
Shantotto: Where, pray tell, is Light right now? Could I have her number, that cash cow?
WoL: I have no reason to trust you. Why should I give you her phone number?
*Shantotto's eyes glow hypnotically. She stops rhyming as her voice becomes dangerously quiet*
Shantotto: Well, there's no reason why you shouldn't, my lad. Besides, I'm just a young little girl, right? There's no way I'm actually an old and powerful war heroine with devastating, unrivaled magic that could easily destroy this entire town ten times over.
*WoL ponders this for a moment, then nods*
WoL: You do bring up a good point. I guess I could tell you what her cell number. I like swords. *writes number on a piece of paper*
Shantotto: Thanks, good sir! Though, I do believe it would be best not to have any witnesses. I'm sure the world can do with one more cadaver. If anyone asks, you died of lung cancer.
*Shantotto laughs maniacally as she waves her hand. A meteor falls on top of Light's house. As the dust clears, Shantotto is happy to see nothing more remains but a corpse and the ruins of a building.*
Shantotto: Hohohoho! This is quite excellent, the man's death was not evident. Farewell, dead one, but I do have to run!
*She laughs once more as she leaves into the same portal as OK*
*Mateus and Exdeath are still shopping. They see a figure in the sky*
Mateus: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's…
Exdeath: HERP DERP!
Mateus: Stop interrupting my lines, tree!
*Mateus b**** slaps Exdeath with his long, sexy, golden staff as Kain lands right by them*
Kain: You're not very eco-friendly, are you? Trees are good for the environment.
Exdeath: Yeah! I'm good for the environment ._.
Mateus: Shut up, tree! *slaps Exdeath again* Anyways, what do you want?
Kain: Hmph… I was wondering if you knew where Lightning was. The pink-haired woman?
Exdeath: HERP DERP!
*Mateus sighs and casts Fire XVI on Exdeath, burning him into charcoal*
Mateus: Light? Well, I do know where her house is, but I doubt she's there. The girl has been running around quite a bit lately, as has Jecht. Rumors say his son Tidus has used this opportunity to do stuff at home his father would not allow him to…
Kain: I'm not interested in the blitzball kid, or rumors in general for that matter. Do you have any FACTS about Light?
Mateus: Oh! There was a small rhyming girl looking for Light earlier today. She rented The Void from my hubby Exdeath. If you go inside the portal, you might find where Light is right now…?
Kain: Sure, sounds like a plan. You better not be lying, though, because if you are I'll have to impale you with a powerful thrust of my spear.
Mateus: …
Kain: …
Mateus: You didn't intend for that innuendo to be that obvious, did you?
Kain: No…
*Light is walking peacefully along the edge of Dream's End. She feels unusually happy*
Light: Wow, this place truly is romantic. Romantic? I've never thought I'd use a word like that. I've never felt been the lovey-dovey type, not like Serah, but this is absolutely beautiful. Of course, it helps that a sexy hunk of a man is going to be arriving any time now, and then we can have hot, passionate fun down in the fiery lava…
*Light giggles, then catches herself and stops*
Light: How out of character… I'm supposed to be the alpha b****, queen bee of the lesser Final Fantasy Females. But around Jecht… how can I maintain my cool composure with his masculine, overmuscled bronze body around? I can't wait for him to arrive here. Is that him now?
*Light glances to the side, expecting to see her heroic sexy musclegod Jecht. Instead, a stupid, unlovable boy comes along.*
Tidus: L-L-L-Light? What are you doing here?
Light: *snarls* I could ask the same of you, boytoy. Do you have something important to tell me? Otherwise, beat it.
Tidus: Sorry, Light, but I'm having a date with my girlfriend here. We were going to have hot, passionate fun in the fiery lava. I'm not sure if Yuna wants a three-way...
Light: Woah, is this some kind of joke? I'M having a date with your father in a few minutes! Get the **** out of here or your daddy is going to see a sad pile of flesh and bone where you're standing right now.
*Tidus is about to object, but then he gets an idea. Perhaps a double date could give some interesting possibilities...*
Tidus: Well, there's nothing wrong with us all having a date at once, right? It could work out.
Light: No.
*Light b****slaps Tidus*
*Yuna walks up right as Light slaps Tidus, then gasps in horror*
Yuna: Tidus? You were dating me AND Light?
Tidus: No, this is just a coincidence...
Yuna: I've had enough of your lies!
*Yuna b***slaps Tidus*
*Jecht walks up right as Yuna slaps Tidus*
Jecht: Did you really just get hit by a girl? You gonna let a woman do that to you?
Tidus: No, you see, it's not like that...
Jecht: What you gonna do, cry? You're pathetic. I can't believe my son is such a weakling.
*Jecht roundhouse kicks Tidus*
*Tidus flies off the stage*
Light: The FINAL BLOW!
Yuna: GO JECHT!
Jecht: So ladies... interested in a three-way?
*Yuna giggles and nods. Light hesitates, then nods as well.*
Jecht: Great. I know all the different ways to have fun with two girls, so you fine little gals can just relax and let this HULKING STUD dominate you for today. You cool with that, b****es?
Light: You know my answer, muscleman.
Yuna: I'll take what she's taking.
*Jecht grins as he has hot, passionate fun in the fiery lava with the two girls*