*It is the day of the orgy… nization party, and all the characters are coming to Jecht's place*
Prishe: Hey, it's the doc! How the hell are ya' doing, Shantotto?
*Shantotto is drunk and more talkative than usual*
Shantotto: I'm having quite a nice time, warrior of kung fu, though I do have a very important mission to do.
Prishe: O'rlly? What's that?
Shantotto: Lightning, you know her, the pink-haired b****. I plan on killing her this very day, that arrogant witch.
Prishe: 0_o
Shantotto: Oh man, oh god, oh s***, oh dear! Have I spoken aloud my plans for your inferior mind to hear?
Prishe: Hey, I take offense to… AW HELL!
*Shantotto shoots a massive ball of fire and turns Prishe into a pile of ash*
*Kefka and Terra walk into the scene*
Kefka: Oh look, it's the egoistic little midget. What malevolent scheme are you planning this time? Are you going to slay a thousand innocent babies? Maybe give me a B-minus? I really do HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE B-minuses, don't I, Terra?
Terra: Yep! The clown hates B-minuses more than he hates people who sound like lines from a self-help book!
Shantotto: Oh, is that so? Well, I've got nothing up my sleeves, I'll have you know.
Kefka: Do you think I'll fall for a lie like that? You may be a skilled mage, but your acting is so bad it makes us pass gas!
*Kefka and Terra simultaneously fart*
*Terra looks at the pile of ash that was once Prishe*
Terra: A pile of ash… I wonder whom was the victim of Shanty's little Firaga spell…?
Shantotto: You're quite mistaken, my poor tranee, for I am as innocent as I can be.
Kefka: What's that noise that I hear? It sounds like the SWOOOSH of a blatant lie! It seems you've taught someone why oppose rhymes with dispose, haven't you, Shanty-darling?
Shantotto: That's not true….
Terra: OBJECTION!
Kefka: THIS DECISIVE EVIDENCE PROVES THAT YOU ARE INDEED GUILTY OF MURDER, AND I WILL BREAK YOUR PSYCHE LOCKS TO FIGURE IT OUT!
Terra: TAKE THAT!
Shantotto: …err, I don't know what drugs you two are taking, but you're making my brain start aching. You know what, I'm claustrophobic and you two are breaking my bubble. I'll go see if that chef Quina is having any trouble.
Terra: You weren't claustrophobic when I was beating the pulp out of your sorry little ass in Pandemonium.
Shantotto: Actually, the only reason you won, was because of my claustrophobia, hon.
*Kefka pulls out Tier List*
Kefka: Nope, it's not that. Terra's just high tier and you're a low tier weakling. Which brings me to another question: why is it that a young girl who hates fighting is stronger than a war hero with unrivaled destructive power? The laws of this universe are so stupid, even Exdeath can't ignore their idiocy.
Shantotto: It's obvious that Nomura is to blame. Now get out of my sight, your lines are quite lame!
*Shantotto casts Warp on Kefka and Terra, sending them to another dimension*
*Female Cloud and Zidane are eavesdropping on the conversation*
FCloud: Huh, Terra's acting weird. Wonder why that is…
Zidane: She's under the influence of the Slave Crown. That clown is a sick bastard….
FCloud: Slave Crowns? I could use one of those….
Zidane: What! That's disgusting! Even a guy like me with an insatiable urge for intimate contact with female anatomy would never use one of those dastardly devices!
FCloud: …First of all, that's a lot of big words. This isn't a performance on the Prima Vista, ya' know.
Zidane: …I spend too much time around people with thongs…
FCloud: Secondly, I never said I'd use a Slave Crown on a woman. That's horrible.
Zidane: Then who would you…?
FCloud: Chocobos. Slaves. Beastality. That is all.
Zidane: *moans*
FCloud: *moans*
*Tifa and Garnet are eavesdropping on the conversation*
Garnet: And now you see why I dumped Zidane after the ending credits of FFIX.
Tifa: Gosh, I knew he's a perv, but that monkey's worse than Bartz. Who's the chick he's hanging out with?
Garnet: I don't think that's a chick…
Tifa: ?
Garnet: Ya' know… she looks a lot like Cloud… but female… you know what I'm getting at?
Tifa: ?
Garnet: You know… remember the crossdressing scene?
Tifa: No, what are you… oh, that.
*Tifa's face turns red out of embarrassment, then anger. She starts flexing her muscles and clenching her fists.*
Tifa: That mutha****ing b****y s***faced d***headed a**hole POOPYHEAD! BLARGH! IMM'A FIRIN' MA LAZORZ!
*Tifa does a primal roar and dashes towards FCloud, shooting lazers at him. FCloud realizes Tifa has recognized him/her and flees. The two lovebirds run out of Jecht's house.*
Zidane: Well… that was an odd turn of events.
Garnet: Why hello there…Zidawn.
Zidane: HOLYSONAVA… where did you come from?
Garnet: *winks* Alexandria, dummy! GUARDS, ARREST THIS MAN FOR HAVING ILLEGAL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH CHOCOBOS!
Zidane: *uses Flee*
*Light and Jecht are inside a dark room in another part of Jecht's house. They are… having fun… with rubber… in a very intimate way*
Jecht: YEAH!
Light: YEAH!
Jecht: Gosh, that was nice. You're one hot little lady.
Light: We've got quiet a mess to clean up, huh?
Jecht: Hope the rubber didn't break…
Light: Ugh… my legs are sore. You're the roughest man I've ever seen in bed. Those muscles got me sweating, badboy.
*Jecht turns on the light. Across the room are rubber moogles that Lightning and Jecht have been kickboxing in bed. They are scattered across the floor and one of them is broken.*
Jecht: Damn it, the rubber did break. Are you still sweating?
Light: Never knew it took so much effort to kick a rubber moogle… oh s***, I've got a leg cramp…
Jecht: Don't worry, It's just cause you're around such a sexy stud like me. *flexes biceps, causing gargantuan mountains of muscle to explode out of Jecht's powerful manly arms*
Light: *moans at Jecht's sexiness*
Jecht: I'm gonna go clean myself up and check out on the guests. You get ready and I'll get ya' when I'm ready, okay?
Light: *is unable to do anything but moan at Jecht's sexiness*
Jecht: What's that? *scratches his manly, godlike, superhuman 8-pack abs of sexiness*
Light: *continues moaning at Jecht's sexiness.
Jecht: Oh, is my sexiness making it hard for you to speak? Sorry, alpha b****, I'll leave now.
Light: *moans*
Jecht: *leaves*
Light: Finally… I can talk again…
*Light creates a mental image of Jecht's perfect body*
Light: Much better. *starts moaning again*
*Back at the party*
Emperor: …So that's why my hubby isn't here today… He was always my most FABULOUS tree…
Sephiroth: Stop pretending you're sad.
Emperor: Excuse me?
Sephiroth: Your hubby… will never be a memory.
Emperor: Is this your idea of a joke? Exdeath's death was a horrible tragedy, it has brought unFABULOUS sorrow to me… do you enjoy mocking his demise?
Sephiroth: What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings too?
Emperor: Well of course I have feelings! Your derogatory attitude towards his life is not FABULOUS at all!
Sephiroth: I should have ruled the Planet. I was stronger, smarter. But then you came, you inferior dullard...You came and took this planet away from me.
Emperor: In all my years of studying Final Fantasy history, I've never seen a ruler of the Planet with long silver hair, a pretty boy face, and a katana. You're just jelly because I'm a king and you're not. ^_^
Sephiroth: …My jelliness? What do I have to be jealous about? I am the chosen one. I have been chosen to be leader of the Planet. I have orders to take back the Planet from you stupid person for the Cetra. What do I have to be jelly about?
*Emperor is about to smack Sephiroth with his long golden shaft, but Ultemecia interrupts him*
Ultemecia: Hey there, somebody's lookin' fabulous on this fine evening…
Emperor: *laughs* Oh, I feel ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS today! How 'bout you, Ulty?
Ultemecia: *laughs* The same.
Sephiroth: *drooling* YOU LOOK GOOD!
Ultemecia: Ugh, not this guy again. TIME KOMPRESSION!
Sephiroth: Wait, I didn't - *frozen in time*
Emperor: So, you still looking for an assist?
Ultemecia: I'll be yours if you be mine.
Emperor: Always a pleasure.
*Kain is standing in the corner, looking like a cool, brooding badass*
CoD: Would you like a drink, sir?
Kain: Nah, I'm too MANLY to drink.
CoD: Or it's because you're underage and you're using your armor to disguise that fact.
Kain: What? No!
*Kain takes off his helmet, revealing the face of a 50-year-old man*
*CoD pukes in horror*
Kain: Oh come on… I'm not THAT ugly, am I?
CoD: Your voice is audio erotica, but that face? *pukes again*
Kain: *sighs and puts helmet back on*
CoD: That's a lot better. As long as you keep your face covered at all times, you're actually quite attractive.
Kain: Would you help me lose my virginity?
CoD: No. I have enough guys throwing themselves at me as it is. Besides, I've devoted myself to the sexgod Jecht. You could have a hundred times more muscle in your body and still be unable to beat him in an arm wrestling contest, your two hands versus his pinky.
Kain: *thinks of Jecht's manliness* *instant boner*
CoD: …why can I see that through your armor?
Kain: …
*Kain awkwardly struts off, trying to look like a badass and doing a pretty bad job at it*