"I'm sorry!" I said, breaking the kiss, "That was rude, tactless and pretentious of me to push myself on you like that." I could feel verbal diarrhea coming on.
"Jasper-"she tried to cut in.
"I should have known better, it was too dangerous, I could have hurt you," I blabbered on, mentally going through every possible scenario that could've ended my charade badly.
"Jasper!" she exclaimed, effectively silencing me.
I turned to look at her, "You're not upset or ill with me?"
"Wouldn't you know if I was?" she asked.
She had a point, and she was right. And once I shut up and used my senses I could tell she wasn't anything of the sort. She was surprised…very surprised, but not repulsed. "Sorry," I said, calming down, "I tend to…ramble when I'm tense." "I've noticed," she laughed, "Why're you nervous, was I supposed to hit you or something?"
"It would have been deserved," I muttered, beginning to feel guilty. Whether she was offended or not wasn't the only thing bothering me. I could have killed her, all out of one stupid act. I had the ability to snap so easily, I didn't think she really understood.
"You're way too hard on yourself," she said, lightly rubbing my arm in an attempted soothing manner. There was a slight pause before she continued with, "So…are we gonna talk about this or pretend it never happened?"
"I don't know," I said, a bit unnerved by her calm demeanor. And I wasn't even responsible for it. I didn't know if there was anything that could be said…I'm a stupid vampire who had fallen for a living, breathing human being. And, while it should have terrified her, it did nothing of the sort. Women, psh. As if the inner workings of their minds weren't mysterious enough as is.
"Stop freaking out, you're making me nervous," she said softly after another minute's pause. I tested the atmosphere of the room and there still wasn't any panic emitting from her. But there was something else…not quite love, but a different feeling. Adoration maybe, or fondness. It was hard to decipher between the two, albeit they are similar.
"Sorry," I mumbled, trying to mentally steady myself. I added in an afterthought, "We can talk about…it if you want, but I don't know what there is to say. What do you want me to tell you? That I'm a preposterously foolish bloodsucker?"
"You know I don't think that," she protested, "I think I just want to know…why, I guess. I mean, nearly this whole time I've known you I thought I was the only one who…uh, yeah. Never mind."
I quirked an eyebrow, "This whole time…what?" The ending of that sentence could be interesting, although it could also be the death of me. More literally than perhaps I'd like to admit. It could be the death of both of us, if I hurt her I couldn't live with myself… I wouldn't. But not knowing was equally as bad, so I intended to take it like a man.
"Just forget it."
"You've got me curious now," I said in a bemused fashion.
"You started this whole thing, I'm just as curious," she said, returning my amused yet confused expression.
"Curiosity killed the cat, you know," I smirked.
"Too bad I'm not a feline," she persisted, determined not to let me stall. "And why are you avoiding the subject? It's not like I'm asking you to change me into a vampire, all I want to know is why you…kissed me."
"I'm afraid you'll be frightened and run away from me," I further delayed.
"If I were going to do that, wouldn't I have run when you told me what you are?"
Damn. I hated when she had a point, especially when she was right. I don't know why it was so hard for me to admit my feelings. Perhaps because I've kept them under lock and key my whole existence and couldn't keep them caged any longer. And I wasn't sure how to react to it. I've always approached things from a military perspective, it allowed me to remain detached and distant and even hide from myself. But I couldn't run anymore. Nearly two centuries is a long time to run.
"I've found myself developing…feelings for you," I began timidly. "I've been alone for so long that I assumed that's how it would always be, and then you came along. In a way, it feels like you've always been with me because you've filled a part of me that I realize was empty. I didn't know what I was missing until I found you, and now I can't imagine myself any other way."
It didn't take a vampire with a knack for deciphering emotions so sense her amazement. "But…me?" she began apprehensively. "You could have any girl, and you want me?"
"You could never understand the depth of my feelings for you," I said truthfully. "You're anything and everything I could ever possibly need." I was starting to get nervous again, if she didn't reciprocate then I had pretty much just screwed up one of the best relationships I'd ever had. Whether it turned romantic or not was a trifle matter to me, if I lost her friendship I'd be devastated. I could deal with rejection but not abandonment.
"I think I could," she smiled shyly, "because I feel the same way. I mean, I'm sure that doesn't mean much coming from me, you're the one with all the life experience or whatever. But, it just feels like…you're a piece of me that I didn't know I didn't have." She nervously chucked. "That sounded so lame, like some stupid daytime soap opera."
"Not at all," I assured, meeting her eyes for the first time since the beginning of the conversation.
"So…what does this mean? Are we, like, together?"
"If you'd like to be," I offered, unsure if I should be the one to answer that question. At least by letting her answer if something went awry later I could have the piece of mind knowing I didn't pressgang her into anything. Maybe that would alleviate some of the guilt I'd feel if this were to end badly. But I also knew if it did end badly nothing would be able to console me.
"I think I'd like that," she smiled, a slight blush creeping across her cheeks. "If you'll still have me, human drama and all."
"I'll always want you," I said softly, gliding a finger down her cheek.
"Can I ask you how long you've been holding this out on me?" she asked, leaning her head on my shoulder. All the uncertainty and anxiety from earlier had dissipated. As far as I was concerned, at this moment all was right with the world.
"I don't know exactly, I can't really pinpoint it," I answered, resolving to be completely honest, no matter how awkward it might be. "It's been gradually building up over time. And then last night…." I trailed off. Awkward was one thing but I didn't want to make her relive painful memories. But I didn't want to censor myself to her either; if she wanted to be with me then she had a right to know the truth.
"Last night I realized how protective I feel of you. I saw you hurting so badly, and I wanted to take it all away; I wanted to bear it myself…anything to shield you. And then I realized, in my entire 'life' I've never wanted that for anyone before. I mean, I never wanted people to suffer, but better them than me. I had never felt the urge to rather be the one suffering in place of you. Then I realized, maybe in more of a jealous frenzy, that I never wanted anyone else to have the opportunity to try."
I could tell she was astonished. I could tell she was searching for words, but then she leaned up and kissed my neck lightly, and I took it as an indication that we didn't have to have words at that moment. Sometimes just presence was the ultimate response.
"Well it took you two long enough!" Alice exclaimed, barging into the room. She was grinning like a madwoman, clearly elated. Amanda smiled shyly and looked down at the floor. "I know you both hate to be ogled at, so I'll leave you now," she continued. "But just know I'm so excited for you two! If you only knew what I do…" she shook her head and left us hanging mid-sentence. I hated when she did that. "Just a friendly reminder, it's after 2am and someone requires sleep," she added on as she glided out of the room back down the hall.
"Oh…right," I mumbled, completely forgetting one of the requirements of being human. I wasn't good enough for this, I couldn't even remember she had to sleep. She deserved better than me, if I couldn't remember something as simple as sleeping, then what if I forgot how fragile she was? All it takes is one second of carelessness…
The next morning wasn't nearly as awkward as I had anticipated. Everything seemed to fall into place. Amanda was the only person who I could ever spend hours talking about nothing with. Later in the afternoon I took her home, as a favor she didn't know about. At least one of us could be spared from the bombardment that would follow as soon as the others were home.
I opted to drive her to her house just incase someone was there. Amanda pouted because she thought the super-speed running deal was the greatest thing ever, but eventually conceded and agreed we had to drive. She still scowled when I opened her door, I got the feeling some things would never change.
"I'll never get used to your driving," she muttered. "It makes me jealous that I'd die trying it."
I laughed at her as I pulled into her drive, immediately dashing out and opening her door. She rolled her eyes for far back in her head that I seriously thought there was a chance they'd get stuck.
"Thank you," she said quietly as I walked her to the porch. "For successfully distracting me," she answered in response to my questioning look. I felt I should be the one thanking her for being willing to put up with me, but it didn't seem like the time. In lieu of a response, I kissed her hand as we stopped in front of the door.
"That's all I get?" she laughed. She then jumped up, quite literally as I'm a good bit taller, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. I was surprised, but pleasantly so.
"You need to get going," I reminded her as we broke apart. "Your grandmother needs you."
"I don't want to leave," she protested. "I don't want to leave you."
I scratched my head in bewilderment. Why she adored me so was something I'd never comprehend. "You can have me as long as you want," I reminded her softly. She nodded and I hugged her one last time before she went inside.
The drive back was dull, it was much less fulfilling to talk to myself than to her. I swung the Mustang into the garage and clamored inside, not really concerned with being quiet. Esme greeted me after I came in the house with a hug. I knew she was utterly thrilled for me, but knew not to verbally bring it up. She didn't have a problem with my self imposed distance. She tousled my hair and asked me for my opinion on something about her current house project.
She led me to her papers outlining her plans which were in the living room where Alice and Bella were already lazing on the couch and staring at the TV. Alice grinned insanely at me but didn't say anything. She must have known the others were coming back soon and was saving the barrage for then. Bella politely smiled at me, I knew that deep down she was still a touch unnerved by my presence and wasn't sure what to make of me. Not that I could blame her.
I answered Esme's questioning dilemmas, not that I offered outstanding interior decorating advice. I was a guy…that justified me not having any taste. Esme was being polite, but I could tell she was less than thrilled by my opinions. I could hear the Jeep rumbling in the distance and I died a little inside. At least I had a few more minutes…unless Emmett or Edward was driving in which case I had seconds.
My assumption was correct since a few seconds later the rest of my family trooped in from the garage. Rosalie went straight upstairs, probably to clean herself up, she hated looking even the slightest bit disheveled. Bella immediately swamped Edward and they meandered off from the group. Carlisle greeted us all and sat down with Esme.
Emmett flopped down in a chair and asked, " So what shenanigans did you kiddos get into while I was gone?"
"Nothing much," Alice chirped. I could see what she was doing and I mentally let out a string of cursing that Edward would be ashamed of. "I forced Bella to go shopping, Jasper and Amanda became an item, it rained some…the usual."
"Yay!" Emmett bellowed joyously. "I'm gonna have a new little sister!!!"
At that moment I thoroughly wished I could have melted into the wall.