Tear Drops On My Guitar
Both Tommy and Adam didn't know one kiss would change their life so abruptly.
Sauli had been up hours ago, it was noon by now, checking his messages from Adam's family, friends, band mates, everyone who wanted to see if he was ok.
"I don't want to talk to anyone right now baby or see anyone… just you I'm going to get some aspirin."
Sauli nodded sadly. "I don't suppose you're hungry? I can make you something"
"Your sweet, love, but the even thought of food right now make me sick." with those words he left to go into the bathroom.
Sauli sighed leaving the notepad of Adam's phone messages on the table, he'd get to them when he was ready.
Since they started dating Sauli kind of moved in by accident. He wasn't officially offered to but Adam never really asked him to go home either, so he volunteered himself to pick up a little, to help Adam out. He started to pick up some close magazines that were on the floor and started doing the dishes.
"Sauli I love you for helping but we haven't even eaten here for days you don't need to do dishes." Adam smiled kissing his cheek.
"I know I just feel like moving around, you know, keep things neat."
"You're not nervous around me are you? I mean I know you haven't seen me drunk like that before I swear honey I'm not a mean drunk ask anyone in the group."
"Well, how often do you get drunk like that?"
"Not… not a lot just when there's something to celebrate."
"Yeah and while on tour celebrating great nights on stage and interviews and just relaxing how often is that?"
Adam slam his fist down on the table hard "damn it Sauli just say what your trying to say ok? I'm not in the mood to beat around the bush for once"
"N…nothing I.. I'm sorry I brought it up."
Adam cursed himself under his breath and brought him into a hug "Shh I'm sorry I am, I didn't mean to yell I'm just upset that this asshole is making me look like an asshole to everyone baby. You're the only one who's keeping me sane right now." Adam hugged Saulie, inside of him he was breaking.
"It's ok, love. I'll go sit with you on the sofa in a bit ok? Find something boring on T.V." he teased.
Adam chuckled as he left the room, he was thankful for having Sauli in his life he made him smile at times like this he made him laugh and keep him happy. Tommy was the only one who seemed to really understand who he was, Adam thought to himself. Tommy, no Sauli was the only one who understood him. Adam shook his head wondering why he thought Tommy's name after all this time. He sighed feeling stupid about himself thinking that. He'd be in huge trouble if he said his name out loud at the wrong place.
Adam flipped through the stations, not much on at this time he decided to turn it off and take some CDs out instead when he heard the knock on his door.
"Adam it's me…" called a familiar voice.
"Speak of the fucking devil" Adam mumbled under his breath. "Damn it can't I just have a few days alone with my own fucking boyfriend!" he screamed as he opened the door "What?"
Tommy stepped back startled, Sauli heard Adam from the kitchen and almost made him drop a plate.
"Adam… I'm sorry I just… I just wanted to see if your ok…"
"No Tommy I'm not! And you can tell the other to stop calling me and e-mailing me I may be having a shitty time right now but i haven't totally self destructed yet!"
"Fuck Adam I'm sorry ok!" Tommy gave him a hurt look. He didn't like how Adam's been acting lately. He never figured Adam be the type to forget all his friends because he had a new boyfriend right now and lately Tommy never heard from him at all except through tweets and when they were at rehearsing. Tommy turned around to go going back to his car.
"Tommy wait, please come in ok? I didn't mean to yell" Adam really started to kick himself now he's been up for only ten minutes and yelled at both his babies.
Tommy hesitated at first he didn't want to upset the singer anymore he knew what Adam was like when he got angry, but he just sighed and nodded going into his house.
"Sauli Tommy is here" he called out to the kitchen.
"Hey Tommy" he called back.
"Hey. Nice to see this place with furniture up in it" he smiled
"Oh yeah you haven't been over since you guys helped me move in."
"Someone hasn't invited me."
"Glitters you don't need an invitation."
"That's what I assumed today and I got yelled at." he scoffed pouting.
Adam gave him the 'I'm sorry wounded puppy' look which made Tommy laugh "That's the most pitiful one yet Lambert" he joked remembering times when they would make weird faces at each other to get the other to laugh when the other was upset or sick or just needed to laugh."Why are you making me laugh anyways i came to check on you?"
"I'm fine Tommy Joe… just taking some days off… I don't want to see the public today."
"You said you didn't want to see anyone but me…" Sauli mumbled to himself. He didn't want to go in the den where "HE" was. Yeah Sauli was jealous of Tommy big time, but he knew he had to suck it up and play nice after all he was the one who got to go to bed with Adam when Tommy went home to an empty house, he had to smile at that.
Tommy talked about everything but the incident about Adam and Stephanie, he really came over because he hasn't seen his best friend in a while and it was nice just to see him, to hang out like they used to on tour. Tommy wasn't jealous of Sauli, angry at himself for not admitting things to Adam when he had plenty of chances to do so.
"Nice to see you feeling better Adam" Sauli said with a force smile
"I guess I just needed to wake up a little bit still not feeling perfect yet."
"Maybe I can help you with that baby" he grinned going over to him and rubbed his shoulders.
Adam started to moan a little moving his head against next to Sauli's arm and kissed it. "That feels good baby"
Tommy thought for sure he was going to call him babyboy and for some reason that broke his heart he really hoped that Sauli wasn't his new glitterbaby. He sat, watched them together pinching himself for what he missed out on. This could have been yours you fucking idiot! he yelled at himself.
He watched till he was sure he couldn't take it anymore without letting a few tears fall.
"I should be going I'm thing are going ok maybe we'll do something sometime ok?" he stumbled on his words as he got up to leave. Tommy bit his lips harshly to keep from looking like a complete fool, as he turned for the door.
"Leaving so soon Tommy Joe? We were just starting to visit?" Sauli smirked at himself hiding his look behind Adam's neck as he leaned over to nibble it.
"I know I just have stuff to do I'll call you Adam." he smiled wishing he never came there he wanted to rip Sauli's smirking lips off of his babyboy's neck! Wait his? Adam wasn't his he never was his he, could have been his.
Tommy gave another last week smile and left just as he made it outside he felt the tears fall. "stupid... stupid, stupid" he mumbled. He heard the door open behind and quickly wiped them away.
"Tommy Joe are you sure you're ok?" Adam went over to him.
"I came to check on you remember?" he smiled repeating what he said earlier.
"Did you want to talk to me?"
Tommy found himself nodding yes but not finding his voice, so many times he wanted to talk to him.
"Come back in ok? Stay and talk to me"
"I should have told you before" he blurted out.
"I lied to you this whole time, you the group the fans my family and even myself!" he choked out.
Sauli herd the shouting from inside and looked outside to find out what was going on
"Tommy what on earth are you talking about?"
"I'm gay… ok… I'm gay… Tommy Joe Ratliff is fucking gay"
"Tommy will you shut up people can hear you!"
"So what I want them to hear me now, I wanted them and you to hear me before… fuck I wanted them to just know it so I wouldn't have to admit it to you or worst of all myself, but you had to make me admit it didn't you?"
"Tomm…"
"You should know how hard it is over anyone to admit something like that! Especially since I was straight my whole life my whole fucking life! Now I'm gay, since you kissed me it's your fault I'm fucking gay and your fucking fault I love you so fucking much, but it's my fault I don't have you that much responsibility I will take! And then you go get another boyfriend… and you just forget me like I'm nothing! So guess I was just a stage act with you!"
Adam only saw Tommy this angry once when his father passed away, he ranted and raved over stuff for hours and Adam held him down while he yelled and cried on his shoulder.
But now the tiny bass player was ranting and raving on his front porch, he wasn't sure if he should try and hold him to calm him down or let him continue. It was obvious he had this inside him since they kissed at the AMA's. He never knew such a kiss would change their lives.
"you're not just stage act Tommy your my best friend"
"Yes I feel like I am! I know I sound like a 2 year old right now but fuck it Adam I feel like your fucking meal ticket and I get the fact I missed out a great chance with you, but fuck, at least act like I'm your friend still don't just hang out with me because of work"
Tommy felt like such an ass! Now he was going to hang out with him because he felt sorry for him if he didn't have him locked up first.
Adam just stood in shock he felt like such a jerk for not seeing this in his glitterbaby and he had the fucking nerve to feel broken over what some stupid rumor? At least he had people who had the heart to call to see if he was ok and not to give up on him even if he refuses to pick up the phone like Sauli and Tommy.
Adam choked back a few tears himself it wasn't his turn to cry now. "Glitterbaby shh" he slowly put his arms around the blond as Tommy fell into his arms breathing heavily.
Tommy clung onto Adam's arms as if to keep himself steady. Adam ran his hand along his back gently kissing the top of his hair as Tommy cried.
"I would ask you why you kissed me at the AMA's and why you did this to me… but you didn't do anything to mem if anything you opened my blind eyes it took someone only like you to have that power."
"Tommy how long have you felt like this? Not being gay but so upset?"
"I don't know I don't even know when I started crying or why… I lost control of what I've been saying since I stood to leave. Adam I'm not even yelling at you I'm yelling at myself because I want what you have, hell I want what Sauli has" he wiped his eyes as he stood up.
Adam watched him still eyes filled with very much concern, it isn't every day this pretty blond bassist has a meltdown in his driveway.
"Glitterbaby... have you tried to talk to someone about this?"
Tommy just looked at him giving him a look that gave away the answer.
"No I mean like a physiatrist"
"why would I need a physiatrist?" he asked defensively "I just told you I'm gay and I loved you and you tell I need a fucking shrink!"
"What no Tommy that wasn't what I mean! I mean about why you're so upset?"
Tommy didn't say anything it wasn't a problem for himself he could keep his secret and keep kissing Adam and deny, deny, deny all he wanted that he was gay.
"I guess I'm the one who used myself…" he mumbled
"What?"
"I guess in a way I was hiding behind it I don't know I made a show of it for them at first but then I got into it you couldn't even feel it?"
"I could but you had to admit it to yourself first Tommy… that's the hardest thing ever… not telling your parents or who you love or even the world telling yourself is the hard part, it was hard for me, it's hard for everyone facing this"
"I thought I could do it Adam… I thought I could fake being straight but I can't"
"No one can fake who they aren't "
"I was hoping that night when I told you, you can kiss me on stage or wanted to touch me or flirt with me on stage that it would be ok with me that you would read through that and just know... without me telling you"
"I'm not a mind reader Tommy"
"I know... the reason I got so angry that night after that was because I never expected the kiss to feel so good"
Adam blushed a little but quickly covered it.
"Look I'll be ok… I promise I just have lot of thinking to do"
"Tommy... don't you ever fucking say you're just a stage show or my meal ticket to me again got it! You're much more then that you're my best friend my glitterbaby and no one can ever take that place."
Tommy smiled he still had a lot to work out with mostly himself and maybe he'd take Adam up for his idea about getting some help.
"I should let you go back to your boyfriend before his lap gets cold he teased.
"Ah Tommy Joe your such a perv please call me ok if you need to talk more?"
"Please pick up?" he asked softly
"Always"
Tommy smiled and went to go to his car after that carrying on he did he felt relieved. He got a lot off his chest and was thankful to Adam for letting him talk even if he did feel like an idiot.
As Adam saw him going he couldn't help but going up to him and giving him another big hug. Adam gives the kind of hugs that helps you know things will be ok.
Sauli saw this and he wasn't jealous anymore of Tommy instead he felt bad for how he tried to make him jealous the way he was holding Adam protectively while he was watching. Sauli realized he can't keep Adam away from Tommy or stop him from seeing him, not that he was trying to he knew Adam was Tommy's baby boy and Tommy was Adam's glitterbaby even if Sauli was his boyfriend and he also knew that will never change.
END!