Disclaimer: I do not own -Man or any of its characters.
Allen's POV:
When we met up with Lenalee, Lavi and Komui the first two were having their lunch and Komui was still reading through papers and writing in the margins. Kanda and I sat down on the grass with them so that the five of us formed a loose circle. We exchanged pleasantries and then fell silent as Lavi and Lenalee ate, until Komui brought up what was obviously on all of their minds.
"You shouldn't keep your privacy settings on for so long while outside of the Ark. This is something we all agreed to" said Komui in a careless voice without looking up.
"That's right. If you were both ran into trouble – which is a very real possibility, we might not have been able to help you in time or know what happened until it was too late," added Lenalee in a put-out voice.
As expected, their words made me feel guilty. I pushed down the urge to lash back and remind them that they could have called us at any time if they were worried. "I'm sorry. If we wanted to talk off-the-record, we should have waited until we got back to the Ark." Thinking back to what we were doing instead of talking, though, I didn't regret the slip in protocol.
"What was so important to talk about anyway? It took you long enough to come back," probed Lavi in the upbeat and nosy tone of voice than earned him the nickname of 'rabbit'.
I was starting to get irritated and it showed in my voice. "What would be the point of going offline if I told you all about it the second we came back?" Truth be told, the bad mood may have something to do with the fact that I didn't know how they would react to the truth.
"Touchy, touchy," he said to me with placating arms. "Hey Kanda, what do you have to say about all of this?" I thought he gave up on those obnoxious methods of getting information, at least where we were concerned.
"Shut up", was Kanda's only response. I could see him distancing himself from the conversation, but he had a slight flush to his cheeks.
In that moment, I resolved not to let this dishonesty drag out too long. Either we acknowledge this and tell them in a few days, or agree that it's not worth the risks. Kanda has come so far with opening up to us all. I don't want to see him back-track. Also, this team can't afford a rift of any sort if we're going to end this war. Inspiration hit me, and to smooth things over I told a partial truth. "We came up with an interesting theory about how strong we've been getting while fighting in teams, but we need a few days to work it out a bit further." It really was true that I wanted to explore Kanda's idea.
Komui's head jerked up at this. "A theory? What is it? I can help you work it out," he said while trying very hard to hide his excitement.
"I'm sure we can use your help Komui, but give it a few days, like I said." I barely resisted giving them that smile that they can all see through. Something like that would have made them more suspicious than anything that's happed so far in this conversation. Looking around: Lavi seemed curious while trying not to look curious, Lenalee was vaguely sad, Komui seemed a little devious – a troubling outcome, and Kanda looked like he wanted to get the hell out of here. On that note, I suggested that we all head back to the Ark. The sun was starting to set anyhow.
On the Ark, everyone essentially had their own Room which they made into houses, and we barely used up one percent of the space. The central building was all common area for training, research, and eating our meals. It went dark at 8pm and light again at 6am London time. We trained, looked for Accommodators, and captured Noahs – of which we had three. One day soon, we would seek out the Millennium Earl himself.
After dinner we four Exorcists practiced our meditation. We've improved greatly over these past two years thanks to Kanda's tutelage on the subject. Instead of allowing what happed between Kanda and me today to be a distraction, I made it the subject of my thoughts. I envisioned what would likely happen if we chose to ignore this romantic connection. I then envisioned what would likely happen if we both agreed to give it a try. There would be difficulties and rewards either way, and when I balanced them all against each other, admittedly giving extra weight to my own happiness, I knew that I wanted this to happen. But to mitigate as many risks as possible, we needed to be honest with ourselves and our friends. And in return, the horrors we face could be more tolerable, and we could each make the other a better person.
When I opened my eyes again, only Kanda and I were in the room.
Kanda's POV:
The focus of my meditation was our earlier sparing session. Was I progressing adequately for us to win our ever more difficult battles? Was the group progressing enough? Were our strategies sound? In answering these questions, my thoughts inevitably turned to Allen, the glue that held this band together. The man responsible for all of the major advantages that we currently have, and the one best able to use them. And once my thoughts did turn to him, I inevitably thought about all of the wonderful things he did to me today and his responses when I did things to him.
Knowing I wouldn't be able to concentrate any longer, I gave up and opened my eyes slowly. Glancing around the room, I could see that Lenalee and Lavi had left. We all began our meditation sitting in the lotus position side-by-side and facing the front of the room. Allen was now sitting facing me with that confident expression that I was hoping I wouldn't have to wait too long to see.
"I was just going to go to the piano room. Will you join me, Kanda?" The doorway appeared in the front of the room. He got up and held out his hand. As I took it and rose to my feet I simply said, "Yea".
We walked through the door and were in that oddly white room. He motioned that I should sit on the couch and as I did so I stretched my arm over the back and placed one ankle on my other leg.
He sat in silence on the piano bench with his eyes closed for a few minutes and I knew he must be checking up on everything within the Ark. When he opened his eyes again, images flashed quickly on the far wall: street views, training and research areas, holding cells, vacant rooms. They were various places within the Ark but I could never tell what he was looking for before the point of view switched to someplace else. When I looked back at Allen, I was startled by the tell-tale gray skin and crosses along his forehead. I had known, logically, that he must transition to his Noah sometimes, but I'd never seen him do it so seamlessly. It made me a little on edge.
He started explaining what he was doing, in the aloof voice of his Noah self, "When I concentrate, I can mostly feel whether everyone who is supposed to be is on board, so I do that first. Then I try to sense and see if there are any intruders. It's becoming easier all the time to tune-in to the Ark's abilities. Of course, I have Neah's memories and the Noah instincts to help me now." He paused a moment to reflect. "Anyway, I'm done now. All clear." He turned to me with those amber eyes.
The best way to feel more at ease will be to understand this part of him more than I do now. Given our changing relationship, I felt more confident in asking more than I would have before today. "Just now, did you change to a Noah on purpose, or was it a subconscious reaction to using the Ark?"
He gave me a look of surprise and then raised his right hand to stare at it. He eventually responded, "It was conscious, but I guess I've kind of gotten used to doing it without much thought." He looked back at me and then closed his eyes in concentration. In just a few seconds he looked like himself again. "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but this is part of who I am." His now gray eyes were urging for my understanding.
I was angry because it seemed like he was challenging me to back away. "Che. Of course I know that."
His expression didn't change though, as if he was unconvinced. I looked into myself and thinking more about it, my answer showed that I wanted to ignore this part of him or treat it as unimportant. But the truth was so complicated. How can I express all of that? I felt some panic at the idea of trying. Allen wouldn't push for me to speak if I didn't want to, but we wouldn't learn to understand each other if I didn't. It wasn't even that I didn't want to, I was just afraid. And an Exorcist that gave in to fear wasn't worth anything.
He started to speak, and it sounded like this fragile thing we were building might fracture. "It's alright, Kanda. You don't have to…"
And the panic of losing my chance was worse than my previous panic of taking that chance. "No…just…hold on." I took a deep breath, leaned forward, and continued, "I know that you're in control of yourself, and that you stay in control when you're a Noah. But you act different. You, but different. And it makes you look like our enemy, who have tortured and killed so many of us. And who want to destroy the world as we know it. And you must understand that, because you don't transform in front of just anyone if you can help it. That you show this part of yourself to me means that you trust me. You're trust isn't misplaced...So, your gray skin and unemotional face bother me. But I want to know more about you so that they won't anymore." I felt drained and raw when I was done, but I continued to look him in the eye.
Allen smiled. "I'll be happy to answer your questions, and I would like to understand you better, too…I do feel the unease from others, even from my closest friends. But, they all try. I like to think there are no secrets among the Exorcists and scientists, but there are some things we just don't talk about. Thank you Kanda, I can always count on your honesty."
"It was easier to be honest when I didn't care how you felt about what I told you."
"I'll keep that in mind," he said warmly.
Encouraged by how things were going I asked something else. "What do you mean by 'feel' and 'sense' the people in the Ark?"
Just as he said, he seemed all too happy to answer. He thought a moment and said, "It's really hard to explain, but every presence on the Ark can be detected by me when I think hard enough. It's different from the normal five senses. But I know who belongs here and who doesn't. I can even feel a cat and two dogs that came on board last week. "
I felt irritated at the news that someone would find pets to bring aboard a war base. People acting as if this was their civilian home pissed me off. "Who brought them on board?"
"You're angry aren't you?" he said with a smile. "You've gotten better at hiding it but I can still tell."
Since he got me pegged, I let it show more clearly on my face. "I still get angry about the same basic things I always have; the only difference is that I've been able to hold it in much better." And when I get mad that people talk to me, I'm more likely to regret it now; and then I'm glad that I didn't scare them off right away. Many of the Finders with us today have been around for a couple of years, and don't even know the full depths of my anger.
He laughed at that, and I actually felt calmer as a result. I like being in the presence of his good-natured attitude. Today probably takes the record for the least time spent angry all-around anyway. "I only have a hunch of who it was, but I'm not going to tell you if you're just going to yell at them. It's harmless to keep the animals, and it makes the Finders happy."
I didn't feel like arguing so I said nothing.
"Do you still get mad at me too?" Allen asked.
"Do you really want to know?" I made it sound as though he wouldn't like the answer, but I was really just trying to avoid talking about how I felt about things that involved him. I would have to stop doing that so much…
Allen considered for a moment before saying that he did. It was an honest curiosity that he deserved an answer to.
"Less often than I should." His expression showed that he wanted me to elaborate so pushing through the discomfort, and ignoring the growing flush to my face, I continued. "The more I get to know and understand you, the more I respect and agree with you. I get angry when you encourage me to socialize, but I also realize that you're trying to make me a more well-rounded person. Everyone here looks to you not just because you're strong and command this Ark, but because you naturally want us all to keep growing. It's possible that no one has told you this, but you're our General even if you don't use the title." I had his full attention and his eyes were wide while he listened to me. I had so much I could tell him but I just wanted to scratch the surface today. I wasn't sure if I was answering his question anymore, but I needed to say it and he needed to hear it. "And then there are the reasons beyond logic. I'm in a better mood when you're around. And I would rather focus my energy on understanding you than being or staying angry." And to take some of the vulnerability out of my words I said, "But don't think you're immune now. I'll still be the first person to tell you when you're acting stupid."
He walked over and set next to me on the couch. "I wouldn't have it any other way", he replied with a blush to his cheeks. "So you want to see where this leads between us? I sure do." Just like that, we were no longer dancing around the issue that was in the back of our minds this whole time. We'd been feeling each other out, and it seems he's made his decision.
In response, I leaned forward, grabbed the sides of his head and kissed him. It was a kiss full of promise and optimism.
I pulled back after a few moments, and when Allen opened his eyes he said, "That's a yes, then."
"Yes, that's a 'yes'. You can take all of my kisses as a 'yes' if you like, for future reference."
He smiled. "I'll add that to my 'Kanda-language handbook'." Then his smile became more teasing. "You have a different look and pose for so many phrases, like: 'I would rather be left alone than anywhere near you.', and 'Do you have to act so ridiculous, it's embarrassing?', and 'You're not training right now because you're lazy', and…"
I kissed him again to interrupt him and when I was done I said, "And this kiss means 'shut up'.
"Hm, on second thought I should just make a new handbook, not add to the one I have. I should call it the 'Sexy-Kanda-language handbook'.
I kissed him yet again more demandingly, plunging my tongue into his mouth and leaning over him so that his head tilted up to meet me. My arms grabbed his shoulders, and his arms wrapped around my waist. It took us much longer to part this time, but when we did I asked breathlessly "And what does that kiss mean?"
When he caught his own breath enough he said, "It means 'I'm insatiable when it comes to Allen Walker'. Then we smiled at each other stupidly.
A few minutes later the clock tower struck 11, which was the time that we were meant to go to bed. It was more of a suggestion than a rule, but our days were always quite full. Of course there was no actual clock tower. It was just the sound of one that resounded across the Ark at 6 am and 11 pm each day.
We looked regrettably at each other and then I faced forward on the couch in preparation to stand up. Allen caught my wrist though, and when I turned back to him he said, "We'll have to tell the other Exorcists and scientists." I could feel a new panic rise up in me when he said it. "I've thought it through, and the cohesion of the team would suffer if we don't." He searched my eyes, as though he thought this news might make me want to forget the whole thing. "They'll know that something is different, and if they don't know what it is, doubts will form. I don't know how they might react, but it's better to face those reactions head on, at a time of our choosing. It doesn't have to be tomorrow but within a few days, I think." I knew he was right.
It wasn't the fact of them knowing about us that bothered me. Rather, it was the thought of the exact moment when they did find out. After letting these people really get to know me, I didn't want to be subject to their ridicule, or even their teasing in an attempt at a joke. When they didn't know me, I could get mad at them and tell myself they didn't understand anything. Now after pulling back the layers for them to see, their reactions could hurt.
Allen pulled me from my thoughts. "Kanda, you're going to have to tell me what you're thinking for this one."
I looked back at him and gave my answer. "You're right. But we'll tell them individually rather than all-together. I don't want everyone feeding off of each other's idiocy."
Allen looked relieved. But a moment later he wore an impish grin. "So, how about three days of being sneaky first. This will be fun!" He got the same look in his eye as he does when he gambles. Allen has a strange sense of excitement sometimes, but since I was involved in his scheme I didn't doubt that it would indeed be fun.
"We could treat it like an exercise in stealth," I encouraged.
"Yes! And I'll use the Ark to my full advantage, too. I've never really challenged myself in that way. Come to think of it, we're all supposed to be building our strengths, and I've ignored this as a strength until now. The challenge is to have one date per day without anyone finding out or becoming suspicious!"
"I just remembered, Timcampy is a liability here."
"I already told him to avoid Komui until I say otherwise."
"I'll leave the first date up to you, then. Well, now that that's settled, I'll be going to bed." I kissed him one more time. When our lips parted, a doorway appeared. When I came out the other side, I was in the bedroom of my house.
I touched my fingers to my lips and wondered at it all.